Work Text:
thingtwo : hey samu
thingone : what do you want
thingtwo : rude
thingone : whatever
thingtwo : what if i was reaching out for help? what if this was my last straw and that message was my thirteenth reason
thingone : i don’t think you’d be reaching out to me if that were the case.
thingtwo : what have we said about that. dude that was so many years ago.
thingone : …whatever. what did you need?
thingtwo : if i grew out my hair do you think it would look good
thingone : no
thingtwo : why nooooot
thingone : nah you’d look like matilda and i hate that bitch
thingtwo: what??? what’s your beef with matilda
thingone : she’s annoying. and mean to danny devito, which i don’t like
thingtwo: he’s a terrible parent in the movie??
thingone: so?? still
thingtwo: you’re insane
thingone: out of the two of us, i’m the one who can say they haven’t been to a psych ward
thingtwo: i can’t stand you
thingone: happy to help <3
“Atsumu are even listening?” The voice of his best friend pulled him out of his conversation.
“Sorry, was talking to my brother, what were you saying?”
“We only have so long til I have to head back to Argentina. You want to make this video or not?”
“Right right.” Atsumu said, grinning. “Let’s start.”
Rating My Highschool Tweets (ft my best friend!!)
atsumumiya
1.25 million views
“Hello and welcome back to my channel!” Atsumu says, smiling. “We have a special guest today, say hi Kawa.”
“Hi everyone!” Oikawa says, waving. “ 'Sumu asked me to be in a video with him before I went back home, and I figured why not.”
“I’m glad you’re here!” Atsumu said, grinning. “But let’s get started. People really like this last one I did, so I figured why not do another one. Especially with someone who knew me in highschool. Now don’t worry, I had an independent third source pick these out.”
“If you wanted people who knew you in highschool why didn’t you ask your twin brother or-”
“Because they are lame asses and don’t do videos with me. ” Atsumu rolled his eyes. “Something about not liking cameras.”
“They’re both in the public spotlight!” Oikawa said, throwing his hands up in disgust. “One more than the other!”
“Yeah, well…” Atsumu said, shrugging. “I don’t pretend to know how their minds work.”
Oikawa shakes his head. “ So, is it just your tweets? ”
“Nope! ” Atsumu grins. “I included your’s too. We’re actually going to be rating each others, I lied.”
“The old bait and switch, huh? ” Oikawa said, laughing. “I see you ‘Sumu, you ain’t slick.”
“Whatever.” Atsumu said, laughing. “Let’s start.”
The tweet, redacted, appeared on the screen as atsumu read it. “You think you’re the better kisser than me? Prove it. Let me have it, let me taste it. Put your lips on mine, I’ll be the judge of that. ” Atsumu said, raising his eyebrows. “…This one is crazy.” ”
“I thought I deleted that! ” Oikawa frowns. “…Now I’ll have to check.”
“Anyways. I have to rate this a 4/10 because it’s sounding a bit desperate.” Atsumu said, winking at his friend. “Funny though and perfectly accurate ”
“You won’t be laughing when yours comes up.” Oikawa muttered. He picked up the next one from the bowl, and the next tweet flashed across the screen. “Do you think every compliment you get is a lie or are you normal?"
Atsumu laughed. “In some ways, I still feel like that’s true.\”
“Same man, same.” Oikawa says, looking at the paper. “For relatability, I’m giving this a 8.5/10. ”
“Why only 8.5? ”
“Because it’s you who tweeted it.”
“I can’t stand you.”
“Then sit down.”
“Next one!" Atsumu says, handing Oikawa the bowl.
“Ooo this is a funny one.” He says, waving the paper around. “It says, ‘yeah I have season depression, it lasts 4 seasons’.”
“I’m gonna have to give that a 7.25/10.” Atsumu said. “ Because it’s funny but I can’t personally relate to it. ”
“You’re a liar but okay.” Oikawa said, rolling his eyes.
Atsumu gave him a look. “Next.”
“Okay, geez.” Oikawa frowns at him. “This was tweeted last week, it’s not from high school.”
“Blame ‘Samu, he’s the one who randomly picked them.” Atsumu shrugged. “I’m sure it’s still applicable.”
“Whatever.” Oikawa said, rolling his eyes again. “You said ‘sometimes i don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird’.” He laughs again, “I can’t tell you how many times that has happened. Like what do you MEAN it wasn’t funny, I’m laughing telling it.”
“Seriously!” Atsumu says, nodding. “Like when anyone asked how we met. Always a funny story.”
“They just can’t understand our humor.” Oikawa says. “ I’m gonna have to give it a 9.9/10. ”
“Why not a perfect score?” Atsumu asks him.
“Because I don’t want to.” Oikawa said, smirking at him.
“What we. See if I give you any perfect scores.” Atsumu said, lightly shoving his friend. “My turn.”
“Here we have, ‘i hope no one lowkey hates me. high key hate me, with every fiber of your being. go big or go home . ” Atsumu smirked at his best friend. “ Was this targeted? ”
“No!” Oikawa said, scowling at him. “Not that one any way. ”
Atsumu rolls his eyes once again, and sighs. “ Okay, we got time for one more. ”
“You’d didn’t even rate it!"
“Fine, 6/10 because I think you’re lying.” Atsumu handed him the bowl. “Last one, what a honor.”
“Okay, last one.” Oikawa says, reaching into the bowl, rummaging around, and pulling one out finally. “The final tweet says, ‘I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. a slender majority of the panel decided in my favor’ i think this one is targeted. ”
“Well duh,” Atsumu says. “It was aimed at my brother who I knew would see it. Especially if he was hanging out with Suna.”
“I’ll give it a 8/10 just because I know it annoyed your brother.” Oikawa said. “And I am all for that.”
“Will you ever get over that? ” Atsumu laughed. “You guys have such beef and I don’t understand why.”
Oikawa shrugged, looked straight into the camera, and said, “He knows why.”
Atsumu shook his head, pushing the bowl to the side. “Thanks again Kawa, I appreciate you coming on here and hanging out. If all goes well and I can post this, it should be up by the time you get back. Say hi to your boo for me, and say goodbye to everyone. ”
“It’s so funny you call ‘em that.” Oikawa laughs. “But yeah, I will. You too, even though I think you could do way better.”
“Yeah so you’ve said.” Atsumu said, rolling his eyes again. “But I don’t think so. I’m surprised I found someone to put up with me. I can be quite a lot to handle.”
“And on that note, we’re signing off. Don’t forget to follow my best friend here, all his socials are in the description and pinned comment, and don’t forget to tune in for the next video where I somehow get my brother to join in for a video. ”
They both waved as the screen faded.
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Cooking Adventures (with my brother)
atsumumiya
2.75 million views
“This is going to end in a,” a long beep was heard, “disaster. ” A voice says off camera.
“Aw come on Omi, I’m not that bad.” Atsumu says, appearing into frame. “Besides, Samu is here, so no chance of burning the kitchen down! ”
“Yeah, that’s what you said last time.”
Atsumu rolls his eyes, grabbing his brother and pulling him into frame. “Hi everyone! We’re back again, and this time Samu is going to help me make a dish without a recipe!”
“I don’t know what’s worse,” Osamu said, turning to his brother. “The fact that we’re doing this, or the fact that I agreed to it.”
“I have no idea how he convinced you.”
“Neither do I.” Osamu agreed. “But we’re here. So ‘Sumu what are we making? ”
“Playing on his brotherly guilt and need to be forgiven! ” Atsumu says cheerily. Ignoring the look he gets from his brother he grins, continuing on. “Today, we’re going to make donuts. ”
“I can’t stand you sometimes.” Osamu said, rolling his eyes.
“Then sit down.” Atsumu said cheerfully. “So, what kind of ingredients do we need?”
“This should be easy enough. I don’t know about your skills, but mine won’t be under and overcooked at the same time like yours were the last time you made this.”
“*Beep* you, that was in high school!”
“And you’ve only gotten worse.”
“Then why don’t we start, huh?” Atsumu asked him, raising his eyebrows. “Mister Best Chef Ever.”
“No one said anything about being the best chef ever.” Osamu said, irritated.
“You were implying it.”
“Anyway,” Osamu said, turning to Atsumu. “Let’s see who makes the best cinnamon rolls.”
“Sure let’s pit the professional athlete against the professional chef who does this for a living.” Atsumu muttered. “That’s fair.”
“You’re the one who wanted to do this!” Osamu said, throwing his hands up.
A new title card showed, “Making the Dough!”
The video showed Atsumu looking at his mixture. “Is it supposed to be this lumpy?”
Osamu looked at his mixture. “…No.”
“How’d you get yours smooth?” Atsumu asked him.
“I’m not telling you!”
“This isn’t a competition!”
“Yes it is!”
“*Beep* you.” Atsumu said, glaring. “When I make my amazing donuts you’ll be regretting you’d don’t help.”
“That’s never going to *beep* happen.” Osamu said.
“Can you two not swear so much?” The off camera voice said. “The editors will have to work overtime to censor your words.”
Atsumu and Osamu looked at each other. What they said was covered by a long continuous beep. They gave each other a satisfied smile.
“I can’t” another beep was heard. “ stand you. I’m done! Burn the kitchen for all I care.”
“Love you too!” Atsumu said, as the voice off camera left.
“He’s going to be mad later.” Atsumu said, laughing.
“It’s deserved,” Osamu scoffed. “Telling us what to do? Not in my house.”
Atsumu laughed. “It’s okay. His temper tantrum doesn’t matter, Let’s get back to baking.”
“Whatever you’re doing is not baking.”
A new title card reading, TWENTY MINUTES LATER, appeared, before showing Atsumu giving his brother a weird look.
“I don’t get what the point of putting that in the oven was.” Atsumu said to him, rolling his mixture. “Weird.”
“And that’s why my donuts are going to be better than yours.” Osamu said, unwrapping his mixture. It was twice the size of Atsumu’s. “I actually know what I’m doing.”
They were quiet, rolling the balls until it was time to fry the donuts. Osamu set his set up, and gave a look to whatever Atsumu was doing.
“…What are you doing?” Osamu asked him. “And why do you have a frying pan?”
“To make the donuts, duh.” Atsumu said. “Why, what are you using?”
“That.” He points to a pan that has oil sitting next to it.
Atsumu shrugged. “Your loss.”
A final title card showed. FROSTING & TASTE TESTING
“I think yours looks more like fried chicken, than donuts.” Osamu said, frowning. “It should not look like that.”
“Whatever. I’ll slap on some frosting and we’ll be all good.” Atsumu shrugged, grabbing the icing, slathering it on the donut.
Osamu gave him a look, putting the frosting on his perfectly round donuts. “If you say so.”
A moment later they were finished and Atsumu said, “Well, we need someone to judge these. We can’t do it ourselves. That’s a biased vote.”
“I’m surprised you know what bias is.” Osamu said, smirking.
“Shut the *beep* up, I was in a higher class than you in high school.” Atsumu said, scowling.
“Wonder what happened to all that intelligence then.” Osamu said, grinning. “Must have gotten too many hits in the head, huh?”
“Omi!” Atsumu yelled off frame. “Come judge our donuts and tell me mine is better than ‘Samu’s.”
“All right, no need to yell.” On screen, Sakusa Kiyoomi walked into frame. “What do you need?”
“You sound like my mother.” Atsumu laughed. “Just get the disgusted and passive aggressive tone and it’s like I’m talking to her.”
Osamu hid a laugh behind his hand. “Nah, she would say, ‘Atsumu how many times have we discussed this. Why can’t you be like Osamu who doesn’t yell at all.’ Or something else.”
“She always did like you better.”
“I don’t think that’s a compliment.” Osamu muttered. “Anyway, what this annoying little *beep* said is that we need a judge. Tell us who’s is better.”
Sakusa nodded. He looked at one that looked presentable, and one that…didn’t.
The text next to his face said, “Re-evaluating his life choices.”
“Fine.” He took a bit from Osamu’s plate. He gave him a look. “You made this? It’s impressive for no recipe.”
“Well he’s a chef, and owns restaurants. Of course he did a good job.” Atsumu said, crossing his arms. “Now mine!”
Sakusa grabbed one gingerly, and took a small bite. He looked to be in pain while doing so. The text beside him said, ‘Definitely re-evaluating his life choices.’
“…It tastes like straight oil.” Sakusa said, putting the donut ball down. “How is that possible. That’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.”
Atsumu stared at him for a moment, looking pensive. “Seriously?”
“Yes.” He took a piece, chewed it and shrugged. “I eaten worse things. But yeah, that’s not great.”
“What could you have possibly eaten worse than this?” At Atsumu’s death glared, Sakusa winced. “ I mean, it’s fine! Perhaps let’s just…let your brother cook from now on?”
Osamu laughs. “He’s saying your donuts are *beep* Sumu. Like I told you.”
“Well who could have guessed this outcome.” Atsumu said dryly. “I don’t even know why I agreed to have you here. This was a terrible idea Samu.”
“It wasn’t my idea!” Osamu turns to Sami’s. “Right? You heard him earlier?”
Sakusa opened his mouth, but was stopped by the force of Atsumu’s glare that promised pain if he didn’t agree. “…Not your best moment Osamu. I mean a professional chef against an athlete? it was hardly a fair chance.”
“I can’t believe you!” Osamu threw his hands up again, stomping off.
Atsumu grinned, turning to the camera. “ Thanks everyone! See you next week!”
The screen faded to reveal text saying,
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