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The Christmas tree in the living room glimmers softly into the darkness of Christmas Eve night and the fire in the fireplace crackles faintly. Remus lays curled up on the couch. Sweatpants, a hoodie, and tall hospital socks drown him in clothing. His amber eyes, wide awake, peer out from inside his hood and seem to glow bright orange with the reflection of tree lights.
He shivers and pulls himself further into his clothing cave, tugging his blanket even closer to his face. A cough wracks his body and he closes his eyes in fear. His heart can’t be failing him again. Not now. If he dies on Christmas, his mother will never recover.
With a shaky breath, he tries to calm his racing mind and reminds himself he just overdid it the day before. His heart was fine, he was just tired. For once, they got a white Christmas. It snowed all night before Christmas Eve and into the morning. When Sirius saw the white glistening snow, his eyes lit up and Remus quickly assured him that the cold was fine and he could totally handle some sledding.
They spent the afternoon wrapped up in scarves, jackets, and mittens trudging through the snow with wide eyes and pink cheeks. Giggles and smiles followed them down every snowy hill and through every snowball fight.
A faint smile brightens Remus’s exhausted features at the memories. He shifts slowly on the couch, rearranging his tired and stiff limbs. Everything seems to ache and groan. He settles back down and allows himself to sink back into the cushions, enveloped with a warmth that hasn’t seeped into his bones yet.
Remus knows Sirius sleeps in his bed, just a few paces away. They had gone to bed together. Remus tried to hide his stiffness and pain the best he could, curling up into Sirius's comforting arms. Soon enough, Sirius’s breath evened out and he fell into a deep sleep. When every position just hurt worse and worse, Remus called it quits and slipped out of the darkness of his room.
His mom had come down to check on him earlier in the evening. She had kissed his forehead and he assured her he was fine. He watched the exhaustion and weight from trying to make Christmas still feel magical despite all of Remus’s issues settle into her skin and pull on her muscles. She brought him a drink and left him for bed. A part of his heart longs for her to come back down the stairs and sit with him until he feels better.
He sniffles and curls deeper into the couch, trying to shove the hurt down. He always feels ill, he tells himself. He can’t expect comfort every time he feels this way. Yet still, he shivers, missing the warmth of another person.
A quiet whimpering startles him out of his own pity party. He picks his head up from the couch with a wince. The noise sounds again, he thinks from his bedroom.
“No, not Regulus, please,” he hears Sirius murmur in a sleep-hazy voice still sharp from fear.
In moments, the snowflake blanket lays abandoned on the couch and Remus dashes into his room, his hospital socks making sticking sounds as he runs across the hardwood. Sirius thrashes under the deep green blankets on Remus’s bed, hair sticking to his forehead with sweat.
“Hey, shh, you’re okay,” Remus murmurs, dropping to his knees next to the bed and stroking Sirius’s long, dark hair, his cold and achy joints forgotten.
Sirius tosses his head a few more times before sitting bolt upright, fully awake, terror clouding his eyes. Remus quickly flicks the lamp on his bedside table and casts the room in a soft light.
“You’re safe, you’re in my bed with me.”
“Moony?” Sirius mumbles. “You’re not in bed with me.”
“Oh sorry, I couldn’t sleep, hold on.” Remus slowly pulls himself off the ground and coaxes his body into his bed. He runs his cold fingers up and down Sirius’s arm. “I’m right here.”
“Sorry,” Sirius mumbles. “I think I’m broken.”
Remus’s heart clenches at Sirius’s words.
“You are not broken, my love. Why don’t you tell me about what’s on your mind?”
“It’s not that important, it’s just my first Christmas without Regulus. I’m really worried about him. And I miss him.”
“What are some of your favourite memories with him?”
“I know all your tricks to calm me down, by now, Moons.”
“Don’t let that stop you,” Remus says with a smile. Sirius rolls his eyes but starts talking anyway.
“When we were kids, every year I would convince him to sneak outside with me. We almost always spent Christmas in our city home, so come January, when we were back at the manor for the end of the winter holidays, and the snow was thick, I would lure him outside for a snowball fight. Mother always had a right fit about the mess we made, but it was always worth it to see him smile so much.”
“I’m glad you have those memories.”
“Me too,” Sirius says, his voice wistful. “Now what was that about you not being able to sleep?”
Remus groans and shoves his head into Sirius’s side, tucking himself into the small space along his side.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Remus wines.
“Nope, we’re talking about it.”
“Okay, I maybe kind of, just a little bit, overdid it earlier and now everything hurts.”
“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
“I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas,” Remus admits, trying to push himself further into Sirius's side.
“You could never,” Sirius whispers, caressing Remus’s curls. “Hey, come out of there and let me help.”
Remus reluctantly pulls away from Sirius’s side and lets Sirius move him so he’s facing his bedroom wall. Sirius fingers slowly and gently start to dig into Remus’s tight muscles. He massages Remus’s back and works his way down each arm before moving to his legs, turning Remus back around to face him as he works.
“What’s really bothering you?” Sirius asks as he works. Before Remus can answer saying he’s fine, Sirius raises his eyebrows in challenge.
“I’m just frustrated. I only have so many Christmases I know I’ll be alive for and every time I’m sick on Christmas, it just feels like I’m losing another Christmas. If I only have so many left, I want to enjoy them all. But sometimes it feels like the world just keeps trying to take more and more of them away from me.”
“I know I can’t give you more Christmases or years or good days, but I can try my best to make sure that no matter what, we enjoy the days we have, good or bad ones. You haven’t ruined Christmas and I promise today will still be magical, whether or not you can stand up for long. I love you.”
Sirius kisses Remus’s forehead as he says ‘I love you.’ Remus leans into the warmth, his muscles less tense and strained than they were before.
“Thank you, I always see the strain on my mom to try to make Christmas still Christmas and I know it’s harder because of me. It’s just hard sometimes to know that we can still be normal, even if I’m not. So thank you for being here this year and helping everything feel normal.”
Sirius rests his hand over the small little pacemaker beneath Remus’s skin, hidden under his hoodie. Remus’s hand drifts up to cover Sirius’s hand. The memories of their hospital stay together washes through him.
“Do you think we could try to get a gift for Regulus?”
“It would be hard, but as long as my name wasn’t on it, I think my parents would let him have it.” Remus furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “They read all his mail and packages to make sure they approve of everything he receives. But we could sign it from you and give him a card as if you were in one of his classes, then we could code the letter. We had this secret code together when we were kids.”
“That sounds like a great plan,” Remus murmurs and then yawns. “I think I may actually be able to fall asleep now.”
“If I knew that one of my nightmares was enough to make you tired, I would have them more often.” Remus weakly punches Sirius’s arm. He feigns collapsing with pain and cries, “You wound me.”
“Shut up, you oaf and move over, you’re on my side.” Remus curls up under the blankets before tugging Sirius back over to his side to snuggle.
They both fall asleep soundly in each other's arms. When Remus wakes again, it's to an empty bed and the smell of cinnamon rolls. As he opens his door, he hears murmurs from the kitchen. Wrapped in a blanket and fresh Christmas PJ pants, he wanders out of his room. Sirius sits at the island counter with his dad while his mom finishes frosting cinnamon buns.
“You could have woken me,” Remus says. Sirius turns around with a grin and lit-up eyes, looking every bit like an eager child on Christmas morning.
“Moony! Happy Christmas!”
“We knew you may need the extra rest,” Hope says. “And besides, this gave me a chance to hear all about your adventures from yesterday.”
Remus smiles and plops onto a chair at the counter between his dad and Sirius. Hope sets a plate down in front of each of them and hands out forks.
“How about breakfast and then presents?”
Sirius and Remus both nod eagerly. They all happily munch on their rolls, Hope takes a bite before pulling some potatoes off the stove. She slides them onto everyone’s plates. Remus manages to eat all his potatoes and half a roll. Sirius lights up when Remus slides the rest of the roll onto his plate.
Hope moves all the plates to the sink and Sirius quickly slides off his own chair and crouches in front of Remus.
“Your Christmas chariot has arrived,” Sirius says. Remus laughs and shakes his head. “I’m not moving until you get on.”
Remus slides off his chair and onto Sirius’s back. He wraps his arms around Sirius’s lean chest and grips tightly as Sirius stands. They both laugh the entire way to the living room. Remus stays on the couch, bundled in blankets while Sirius passes presents from underneath the tree to each person, bounding around the room.
When he finally tires and collapses onto the couch next to Remus, he has a content smile as he snuggles into Remus’s side.
“Thank you,” Sirius says. “The Potters are wonderful, but sometimes they’re just as formal as my family is. This was one of my favourite Christmases ever.”
“Thank you, Sirius. We needed your energy this year. I love you so much.”
“I love you, my Moony. Happy Christmas.”
“Happy Christmas,” Remus says with a yawn. They both contently sink further into the couch and each other to nap until dinner time.