Work Text:
Buck: Can I stop by
I have some things that belong to you
Tommy: That’s fine.
Tommy took a deep breath before he opened his front door. He almost wished Evan had just stopped by instead of texting. Although, it was nice to be able to be prepared. He had been able to make sure he looked decent. “Hey, Ev-.” He cut himself off at the sharp look from Evan. “Buck. Hi.”
“Hi.” Buck smiled weakly. Now that he was here, he was certain he was making a mistake. But it was too late. “Uh, thanks for letting me stop by.” He lifted the box in his arms a little higher. “I already ordered your Christmas gifts. I didn’t see any reason not to give them to you.”
“Bring them in.” Tommy wanted to just stare at Evan, drink him in. He’d missed the other man so much. “I have gifts for you, too.” He stepped aside and watched Evan make a beeline for his living room. Probably looking for a tree that wasn’t there. He followed reluctantly.
Buck set his box and the bags he was carrying on Tommy’s coffee table. “Where’s your tree? Christmas is in two weeks. You love decorating for the holidays.”
“I wasn’t in the mood to decorate this year.” Tommy explained. He didn’t think it was necessary to explain why. He grabbed the wrapped packages from his bookshelf. “These are for you.”
“Th-thanks.” There was so much Buck wanted to say, but he didn’t think Tommy wanted to hear it. He was going to leave with his dignity intact. “Um, Merry Christmas, Tommy.”
Tommy walked Evan back to the door, resisting the urge to grab him and pull him into his arms. He wanted to beg for another chance to love him. But nothing was different. “Merry Christmas, Evan.”
Tommy: It wasn’t a lack of decorations that kept me from decorating.
Buck: I thought it might help
It’s just a tiny potted tree
Tommy: It’s cute.
Buck: I know. I picked it out.
Don’t forget to water it.
Tommy: I would never.
I put it on the dining table. I used the ornaments you sent.
I put my gifts underneath it.
Buck: Did you put up any other decorations?
Tommy: No.
Buck: I just ordered you a wreath.
Put it up when it comes.
“I’m still not sure this is a good idea.” Eddie started pulling the garland out of the bag that Tommy had handed him.
Tommy waved his hands, indicating the loft. “He hasn’t put up any of the decorations I sent him. Not the wreath, not the art, and not the snowmen.”
“So we are going to decorate the whole apartment?”
“I explained this to you already.” Tommy grabbed the unopened boxes from Evan’s storage. “If I have to decorate, he has to decorate.”
“And Buck made you decorate?” Eddie clarified. Not that he needed to. He’d been hearing about this from both of them over the past week.
Tommy sighed and started opening packaging. “You know this. Just get to your point.”
Eddie started placing snowmen at random. “I don’t know why you can’t just talk to each other. This is such a weird way to flirt. You could just get back together and celebrate the holidays together.”
“We’re not-, we’re not flirting.” Tommy frowned. “No one is getting back together. We’re talking, that’s all. It’s-. You know what? You don’t need to be giving any relationship commentary.”
“Hey!” Eddie protested. “I’m in a healthy relationship!”
Tommy shot Eddie an incredulous look as he started wrapping the garland around the stair railing. “You are fake dating your real boyfriend. Is that a healthy relationship?”
“It is not our fault that people think we aren’t really dating.” Eddie flipped Tommy off and grabbed the first string of lights to hang. “At least I’m not in love with my ex and too stubborn to admit it. Or, you know, talk to him for real.”
“Less talking, more decorating.” Tommy looked back at Eddie. “Me or him?”
“You’re both idiots.”
Buck: You decorated my apartment.
Tommy: Someone had to.
You didn’t.
Buck: M y mood is more bah humbug this year
Tommy: I guess that’s my fault.
I am sorry.
Buck: It looks pretty. Even with the random snowmen.
Tommy: Eddie got a little too into placing them.
Buck: So you didn’t put the big one on my bed?
Tommy: That was me. Eddie put him in the chair.
Buck: I ordered you a reindeer stuffie.
I’d rather you be in my bed.
Buck: Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.
Tommy: I can’t, Evan
Josh watched Buck continue to study his tea as if it held the secrets of the universe. “I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.”
Buck sighed heavily. He’d come to Josh because he wanted someone who would understand Tommy, but he was still scared. “He said I would break his heart. If we moved in together. That he was my first boyfriend, not my last.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Josh winced. “That’s-.”
“Don’t. I don’t think he was trying to be cruel.”
“It was still a direct hit.” Josh leaned over and hugged the younger man. “Does he know he broke your heart?”
“I don’t think so.” Buck’s smile was sad. “He was so certain when he said it. I know he’s been burned in the past, by guys that weren’t out. That’s why we almost didn’t happen.”
He slumped in his seat. “Do you think I have to date more men? Do you think it’s not possible to have forever with someone who has never been with another man?”
Josh shifted uncomfortably. This conversation had veered too closely to his own life. “Buck-.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about you and Eddie.” Buck sat up straighter when he realized this applied to Eddie as well. “Wait. I’m not sorry. Answer me.”
“Buck, that is really not fair.” Josh scowled at him. This was between him and Eddie, not something he should be discussing with Eddie’s best friend.
“I don’t care.” Buck shook his head. Josh was his friend and he loved him, but he would never forgive him if he broke Eddie’s heart. “ I don’t care. I don’t want Eddie to end up like me.”
Josh was quiet for a long moment. He didn’t want to answer. Not just because it was invasive, but because he didn’t know that he could help Buck. “It is…scary. Being with someone who is discovering themself or exploring a part of themself for the first time. You can’t help but think he will move on from you. When he feels more secure. When the shine has worn off. That’s something that’s easier for me. Eddie has never had me on a pedestal. We had a relationship before we had a relationship.”
Buck’s brow furrowed. “Are you saying I put Tommy on a pedestal? Is that what he thinks?”
“I don’t know what he thinks. You do seem to have some hero worship.” Josh said it gently. He wasn’t sure it was even a criticism.
“No, I-I don’t…it’s not hero worship.” Buck paused to consider. Was this what he had been missing? Was this what made Tommy’s abrupt decision to leave him make sense? “I-I said I admire him. And I do . But it’s not hero worship. I know who he is, Josh. I know who he is.”
Tommy: The firefighter who saved Christmas, huh
Buck: Shut up
It’s not funny
Tommy: You’re right. It was good work.
Buck: Thanks
Are you ready for Christmas?
Tommy: It’s easy to be ready to do nothing
Buck: Chim said they invited you to dinner tomorrow
I won’t be there
I’ll be at family Christmas at Bobby’s
Christmas morning with my Jee-bug
Tommy: I’m not going to intrude
It was a pity invite
Buck: Chim doesn’t feel sorry for you
You should go
Tommy: Maybe
“I brought you pie.” Buck set the pie plate on Tommy’s kitchen counter. “I’ve been very into baking lately.”
“I heard.” Tommy grinned. “And I had the pie you made for Christmas Eve dinner, so I’m excited for this one.”
Buck ducked his head and lifted his shoulders in a small shrug. “Thanks. It’s your favorite, apple. Um, thank you for the gifts. You uh, you made that frame for the pictures of me and the kids, right?”
“Yeah. I did.”
“It was-, it’s beautiful and it means a lot to me.” He made a face. “I like the model of the Jeep, but I could hear you reminding me that my actual Jeep isn’t going to live forever.”
“It’s not.” Tommy tried not to feel the warmth of familiarity of this conversation. “I already put the sheets you got me on my bed.”
“You love my sheets so much. I knew you’d appreciate them. And never buy them for yourself.”
Tommy sighed and indicated for Evan to follow him to the dining room. “I put the glasses in the curio. I don’t know how you found them.”
Buck looked at the four hand painted glasses sitting in a place of honor in Tommy’s curio cabinet. “It took me four months. I have a couple of friends in the vintage glass community now.”
“No one has ever given me such a thoughtful gift. They are the exact ones my grandmother had.” Tommy turned to face Evan. “Four months?”
“Telling me about your grandma and the reason behind your vintage glass collection was one of the first times you really opened up to me. I wanted to do something meaningful for you.” Buck could feel his throat tightening, so he cleared it. This felt like the moment. His chance to change things. “Tommy, I’m sorry.”
“ You’re sorry?” Somehow, Evan always managed to surprise Tommy. Why was he the one apologizing when Tommy was the one that had walked (okay, run) away?
“I-I am.” Buck took a deep breath. “I always wanted someone to choose me and when someone - you - finally did, I forgot to make sure you knew I was choosing you too.” He felt like such an ass.
“Evan, it’s okay. You don’t have to feel-.”
“I love you Tommy.” Buck winced, closing his eyes. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that. I keep doing this wrong.”
“What do you mean you keep doing this wrong?” Tommy was trying not to focus on the word love. Not to start crying at the idea of having the very thing he wanted most of all.
Buck, on the other hand, didn’t bother to try to stop his tears. “I love you. That’s why I want to move in together. I thought we were in the same place.” He put a hand on Tommy’s arm. “It’s okay that we weren’t. But I don’t want to explore. I don’t want to date or sleep around. I don’t want anything but you. I love you. I-I guess I just needed you to know that.”
Tommy stood there, frozen. He could feel Evan’s hand on his skin, anchoring him. He didn’t know what to do. “No one has ever loved me. I don’t know if I-, Evan, I’m scared. I’m scared.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Evan. “I love you too. But I’m so scared. I meant it when I said I won’t survive you breaking my heart. And there is so much more out there for you. So much better.”
“No.” Buck shook his head and pressed his face into Tommy’s chest. “There’s not better than you. Why does it feel like you’re breaking up with me all over again?”
“I’m not. I’m not.” Tommy held Evan tighter. He never wanted to let go. Had never wanted to let go. “Stay? Please?”
Buck let out a watery laugh. “Of course.” He would never leave Tommy, not if he had any choice in the matter.
Hours later, they were curled up on the couch sharing the pie. Tommy set his fork down. “This is the best Christmas of my life.”
“Mine too.” Buck speared an apple slice and popped it in his mouth. “Is this…are we back together?”
“I want to be. We probably need to talk more.” Tommy winced at Evan’s flinch. “Not bad talk, baby. But we should talk about where we are and where we want to be.”
“I know you’re right.” Buck set the pie plate on the coffee table and shifted on the couch to be facing Tommy. “But it feels like it’s going to be bad. I’m scared too. I love you and I’m afraid I’m going to be too much.”
“You’re not.”
“Tommy, I scared you into breaking up with me.” Buck put his arm on the back of the sofa. “I-I have big feelings. I don’t know how to hold back. I’m sensitive and jealous. I have abandonment issues. I want to cling on to everyone I love, tightly. Too tightly. I’m scared I’m going to drive you away again.”
Tommy placed a hand on Evan’s wrist where it rested on the back of the couch. “You are not too much, Evan. I love your big feelings. I love how expressive you are. And I…I might need you to cling.” He looked away, trying not to advertise his discomfort. “Your big feelings didn’t scare me away. Or, maybe they did, but not how you mean. I’m so afraid that you don’t see the real me. You admired me, Evan. I am not admirable.”
“Yes you are. But admirable is not perfect. I am well aware you are not perfect.”
“Were you aware of that before I broke your heart?”
Buck smiled and shook his head. “Of course I was. Honey, you are an amazing, wonderful man. Sweet and generous. A thoughtful, caring boyfriend.”
“Those are not flaws, baby.”
“True.” Buck shrugged, unbothered. He wasn’t all that interested in listing Tommy’s flaws. “Look, you have told me enough to know that you had flaws thrown in your face your whole life. Probably not even real ones. I don’t want to point any out.”
Tommy wanted to keep pushing, but he could see that Evan was not going to give in. He was too stubborn and too protective. “Will you at least tell me what your biggest fear is about our relationship going forward? I mean about me.”
Buck sighed through his nose. He knew this was a fair question and it was important to communicate. “I-I-I’m afraid you’re going to bail on me a-again. Instead of talking to me. I don’t want to break your heart, Tommy.”
“I know.” Tommy scooted a little closer and cupped Evan’s cheek. He knew he could promise not to run, but he wasn’t sure he could promise not to retreat. “Running is my default. No one has ever come after me before you.”
“I always will.” Buck nuzzled into Tommy’s hand. “Y-you have to tell me yours too.”
“My what?”
“What’s your biggest fear about our relationship going forward?” Buck met Tommy’s eyes. “I’m not so fragile that I can’t take it.”
“You’re not fragile at all.” Tommy replied and leaned in for a brief kiss. He knew he had to answer the question after pressuring Evan to find fault with him. “I am afraid you will ignore my faults to spare my feelings.”
“That’s fair.” Buck suddenly threw himself forward and tackled Tommy back on the couch. “I promise I will tell you if something bothers or worries me.”
Tommy locked his arms around Evan to keep him - or both of them - from rolling off the couch. “We have to talk about one more thing before more makeup sex.”
“No we don’t.” Buck nibbled on Tommy’s jaw because it was right there and he wanted to.
“Yes we do.” Tommy pinched Evan’s ass through his sweats. “You wanted to move in together.”
Buck pouted. He did not need to be rejected again. “You don’t. That’s okay, Tommy. We both have to be ready. I love you, even living in different homes.”
“I know. I wish I could be ready to share a home with you, but I’m not. But I want you to have a key for here, so you can come and go as you want and I want a key for your apartment.” Tommy felt his heart racing with anxiety over asking for the key. He didn’t ask for things because he’d learned a long time ago that the answer was always no. Then his heart calmed as a beatific smile spread across Evan’s face.
“You want to exchange keys?” Buck didn’t believe it. He thought he’d really Bucked things up so much that they were back to square one. “Yes, please. Right now. Let’s go make keys for each other.”
“It’s Christmas, baby.” Tommy hated to have to remind him and dim that joy even a little. “We will go first thing tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow.” Buck pouted and was rewarded with another kiss. “I guess it’s time for makeup sex now.”
“What’s with the bright blue key?” Eddie asked when Tommy emptied his pockets.
“It’s my key to Evan’s apartment.” Tommy answered. “He picked it out.” He added unnecessarily.
“Does that mean you picked out the sparkly blue key that has appeared on his key ring?” Eddie grinned. He knew the answer. He’d had to listen to Buck gush about Christmas and exchanging keys for an entire shift.
“It reminded me of his eyes.” Tommy smirked. He was so happy. He’d never been so happy. So, he didn’t care that his friend was making fun of him.
“You two are both so pathetically gone over each other.” Eddie rolled his eyes and hoped he wasn’t called out as a hypocrite.
“I’m okay with that.”
Tommy: On my way home.
Buck: Already here.
Took over your kitchen.