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Charlie loved Neil and Todd. Dearly. He had known Neil for many years, more than he could bother to remember. He was an everlasting presence in his life and with Todd it felt similar, even though he was a newer addition to their circle. He couldn’t really remember a time where he didn’t see both of them every day. He adored them, really. But right now he wanted to throw various objects at them.
He prided himself, much to Neil’s dismay, on being the first of their friend group to notice the glaringly obvious budding romance between them. Charlie had seen it on their first halloween together, when Todd, after losing a silly bet against Pitts, had dressed up as a fairy and Neil had looked at him as if he were actually a mythical being. He’d known way before Meeks had brought it up and the remaining housemates had pondered whether anything would happen between them. Charlie had definitely known long before Neil himself realised it.
Now, however, Neil and Todd were both equally aware of their mutual affection and had decided to make it everyone else’s problem.
Right now the three men sat in the living room. Todd was typing relentlessly on his laptop. An essay on gay subtext in a collection of poems. He was leaning against Neil’s chest while his boyfriend had an arm around him, hand gently caressing Todd’s face in a way that had to be majorly distracting but didn’t bother the blonde at all. Neil had his reading glasses resting on his nose while his free hand held a copy of Death of a Salesman . Under his breath he whispered lines, pressing kisses into Todd’s hair in between pages.
They were adorable, really. In their honeymoon phase, clearly, and very into PDA, despite Todd’s initial shyness. By now he didn’t seem to care anymore. And Charlie? Charlie was seething with envy.
Right now, Neil’s thumb was brushing over Todd’s jaw, then his lips, bringing a shy smile onto his boyfriend’s face. Charlie leaned back in the armchair he’d settled in to try and get a statistical model done. He let out a groan which his friends gave absolutely no attention. “You guys are so annoying.” Charlie muttered.
Todd glanced over at him. “Still no luck with Kn—”
“Don’t mention him!” Charlie intercepted, throwing his hands up into the air. Todd frowned and shook his head.
“You should just talk to him.”
Charlie rolled his eyes, tossing the cushion he had leaned against vaguely in Todd’s direction. “Right. That is coming from Mr. I kissed a girl instead of just admitting my feelings .” This made his friend blush and look back at his laptop.
Neil glanced at Charlie over the rim of his glasses. “Should we arrange for a girl that you can kiss in front of him, then?”
“I’d take that.” He managed a grin, although it faded just as quickly as it had come. “Honestly, guys, this is just not an option for me. He likes Chris, I’ve accepted that.”
Todd shrugged, not looking up from his essay. “Has he ever actually said that he likes her, though?”
“He doesn’t have to.” Charlie insisted. “It’s just as obvious as you guys were.”
He could tell that Neil wanted to argue but he stayed quiet as the door to the house creaked open. Charlie fixed his gaze on his laptop, trying desperately to ignore the sting in his chest. They didn’t get it. They never would, because for them their feelings had been reciprocated.
He did not anticipate a paper bag dropping onto his lap only seconds later. “There.” Knox said flatly. Charlie looked up to find his friend shrugging off his coat and going to stow it in the hallway before returning. He inspected the bag. “What is this?”
Knox looked at him, gulping before looking down at the floor. “Vitamins and some ginger shots.”
“Why?” Charlie could feel his heart pounding now, the way it always stupidly did whenever Knox did something nice for him.
“Your voice is scratchier than normal when you wake up these days and you keep going out without a scarf even though it’s still really cold so… you should try and prevent a cold.” Knox’s voice grew smaller with each word and he scratched his neck.
Charlie had to force himself to close his mouth. He knew that Knox could be really sweet. But usually those sentiments were saved for Chris, who he thought could do no wrong, and Todd, who Knox had a very visible soft spot for.
But he had noticed that Charlie was on the verge of catching something. Without him saying it. He’d even tried hiding it, not wanting to be scolded by any of his friends for being careless with his health. But Knox had seen it. “I—” Charlie felt his face heat up an embarrassingly large amount. “Thanks, Knoxious.”
His friend gave him a timid smile, nodding. “You got it, Char.” He regarded Neil and Todd who were still exchanging gentle touches and sighed. “I’m going upstairs.”
Neil shot him a smile. “Don’t forget, tonight is horror movie night.”
Knox rolled his eyes. “How could I forget?” He waved before leaving for his and Charlie’s room. Todd groaned a little, looking up and craning his neck back to look at his boyfriend.
“Do we actually have to watch a horror movie?”
“We very much do, love.” Neil grinned, pressing his lips on Todd’s forehead. “I thought you didn’t mind scary films?”
Todd smiled back, sheepishly. “I don’t. But I can’t handle two hours of you using my arm as a stress ball.”
Charlie had to laugh at that. Bulky, fearless Neil Perry always initiated these movie nights which all housemates then were required to attend. But he was also the one who got the most tense, spending most of the time hiding his face in his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You have nerves! Don’t think I don’t see you hugging a pillow every time.” Neil retorted upon noticing his friend’s giggles. Charlie turned quiet immediately, pouting.
“Do not.”
“Do too.”
Todd sighed, closing his laptop and stretching his arms. “Well, I can’t focus anymore. I’m gonna go get a coffee. Do you guys want one?”
Charlie shot him a thumbs up while Neil sighed. “Todd Anderson, you are the love of my life.”
This made the blonde’s face flush up to his ears, but he just silently hurried into the kitchen, leaving behind a giddily grinning Neil and a flustered Charlie who was still staring at the bag he was holding.
That evening the seven huddled up in the living room, with Cameron on the armchair, Meeks, Charlie and Knox on the Sofa and the other three on the floor in front of them. As predicted, the initiator of this little tradition sat with his legs draped over Todd’s lap and his hands desperately gripping his boyfriend’s. Todd had only given him a playful eye roll before accepting his fate, thumb gently stroking over Neil’s palm.
Meeks and Pitts were commenting on every single thing that took place, ignoring Cameron’s annoyed whines, claiming they were ruining the tension.
Charlie had the misfortune of sitting close enough to Knox that their thighs were touching. He tried to not let it bother him, anxiously fidgeting with his fingers and the hem of his sweater. He normally talked through movies, but this one did not have him in the mood to speak.
The music became haunting, almost guaranteeing something dramatic would happen. Charlie felt his fingernails digging into his palms but he tried not to make it obvious how much rather he would retreat to his bed now and watch something actually fun .
Neil squealed a little, making Todd chuckle. Charlie wondered whether watching the film or watching the two lovebirds make heart eyes at each other was worse. He hadn’t quite found an answer yet when he felt a hand on his own, making his clenched fist loosen a little and threading its fingers through Charlie’s. He glanced up to find Knox looking at him with raised eyebrows and a smirk. “You okay?” he whispered.
Charlie looked at their intertwined hands, then back up at his friend, suddenly feeling like someone had sucked the air out of his lungs. Knox tilted his head, then, squeezing his sore palm. Charlie nodded, dazed and with a pulse that pounded through his entire body. He looked back at the TV, unable to hold his friend’s gaze. He expected the other to let go eventually. They’d never held hands during anything. Not during any movie, not when Knox was terrified on that one rollercoaster the prior year, not when they went ice skating and Charlie managed to fall on his face a whopping five times within the two hours they were at the rink.
But now Knox’s fingers fit perfectly into the space between Charlie’s and neither of them commented on it nor made any effort to pull away.
When Neil had once again turned his head away from the screen his eyes fell on them and he immediately looked at Charlie, raising his brows and grinning sneakily. Cute , he mouthed at him, making Charlie want to sink into the floor. His friend shook his head in disbelief before leaning in to whisper into Todd’s ear. The latter looked at Neil and smiled.
Charlie kicked the brunette into his side subtly enough to make it seem accidental. He did not need the happy couple whispering about his dilemma, not in front of Knox.
His roommate, however, did not seem to notice the silent conversation, sitting perfectly still as he watched. Charlie allowed himself to catch a glimpse of his face from the side, the contour of his nose and his slightly parted lips. He smiled to himself. Knox Overstreet was holding his hand.
For the rest of the movie he allowed himself to revel in their little secret. Knox would squeeze his palm gently whenever they reached a scarier scene and Charlie let his thumb trace circles across his friend’s knuckles.
It ended abruptly once the end credits began rolling. Knox pulled his hand away and stretched his arms, yawning. “Well, that was something,” he stated, looking around at his friends.
Pitts had somehow managed to fall asleep and right now Meeks carefully shook him awake again. “I don’t know, it seems like Pittsie did not enjoy the selection as much this time.”
“I slept two hours last night.” Pitts mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “But definitely not the scariest one we’ve seen.”
Neil scoffed in protest. “Excuse you, that was a great and reasonably terrifying film!”
Todd gently shoved his boyfriend off his lap, a lopsided grin on his lips. “I think we should do a romcom night next time. Otherwise Charlie may not join us anymore.” He gestured vaguely towards Charlie who now felt a little lost about what to do with his hands. He frowned as his friends grinned at him.
“I think that’s the first reasonable suggestion anyone in this house has made all week. Thank you, Todd. You are my favorite for a reason.” He did his best to sound his normal, cheeky self, fully aware of the way he was trembling now that the touch that had warmed him for the better part of the evening was gone. Neil poked his tongue out at him, getting up and pulling his partner along with him.
“Well, we are going to bed.”
Cameron clapped his hands together. “There we go, that’s a good idea. We should all call it a night.”
Nobody had it in them to argue so eventually all of them headed upstairs into their rooms to get ready to sleep. Charlie could hear Todd and Neil giggling as he passed their door on the way to the bathroom, but he didn’t mind. Inside, he found Meeks and Cameron both already inside, brushing their teeth. There was definitely not enough space for three people, but Charlie squeezed in between them anyway.
“So, what’s been going on with you?” Meeks asked curiously.
“What do you mean?”
His friend tilted his head. “You have been acting a little off recently. Any new developments with Knox?”
Charlie nearly dropped his toothbrush onto the floor. “Christ, do all of you just know about this? Did Neil tattle on me?”
“Todd told me, actually.” Cameron commented.
“What?”
Meeks waved it off. “Eh, only because Richard was the only one who didn’t see it on his own. Well, aside from Mister Overstreet himself, of course. You’ve not been subtle at all.”
Charlie groaned. “Great. That’s just wonderful. Well, there has not been anything and there won’t be because first of all he’s straight and second of all he likes someone else .”
His friends rolled their eyes almost in sync. “Right. And you know that, how? Have you actually talked to him about it?”
“Obviously not! I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to ruin the friendship with my favorite person ever just to get clarity on something I already know.”
Cameron scoffed. “Wow, you’re dramatic, Dalton.”
“Rich coming from you, Dick.” Charlie frowned while the others finished brushing their teeth. “Whatever, just don’t mind me, okay? I’m working on getting over it. I really am. It’s just difficult to do when all of you keep nagging me.”
“You got it, boss.” Meeks gave him a smile and patted his shoulder before heading outside.
“I don’t know, I think it’s worth a shot, Charlie.” Cameron said seriously.
The other looked up at him. They rarely ever talked like this. It felt odd, to say the least. Charlie had to bite down a bitter and possibly hurtful remark. “Listen, I really don’t have the strength for this talk, yeah? You can— it’s fine. I’ll handle it.”
His friend shrugged. “Okay. You have to decide that for yourself.” With that he left as well, leaving Charlie staring at his reflection in the mirror, wondering how he could have possibly let his guard down enough to make his feelings so incredibly obvious. “You, Charles Dalton, are absolutely screwed. Get it together!” he said sternly.
Then he inhaled deeply before spitting out the remainders of his toothpaste. He had to get a grip, soon.
When he returned to their room, Knox took his turn to head to the bathroom, giving Charlie a few more minutes alone with his thoughts. He fell onto his bed, covering his face with his hands. It was ridiculous, really. He had dealt with various crushes throughout his life, on boys and girls alike. They’d never been an issue. Usually it worked out well for him. All he would have to do is flirt a little, show the person a little more attention, and they had made the next move.
He had never liked a straight guy before, let alone one that was his best friend.
It wasn’t like he had planned for it to develop. Originally, there was nothing there. He enjoyed Knox’s presence right away, his almost childish wonder at the world and his unshakeable belief in love and romance. But eventually, gradually, something else had snuck into Charlie’s heart. Slowly, he found himself thinking of Knox more, remembering him at the most random moments, catching himself smiling softly. He would feel his chest grow warm when their bodies brushed against each other while walking. His heart would flutter ever so slightly when Knox called him.
Charlie barely had the chance to process what was happening before he’d fallen for Knox Overstreet. It happened so naturally, like breathing. And the last few months since he’d realised it had been simply agonising. He couldn’t risk it, not when he knew the truth could ruin everything they had built together in the blink of an eye. So he kept quiet, suffering silently when Knox first told him about Chris Noel, the beautiful daughter of family friends. She was the epitome of the girl-next-door, a dazzling smile and the sweetest personality.
Just hearing Knox speak about her made it very obvious to Charlie that Chris had everything that he didn’t. And that with her in the picture, even the smallest possibility of his feelings being reciprocated was out of the window.
He hadn’t noticed that his roommate had returned so he flinched when he felt a hand on his arm.
Charlie bolted up into a sitting position to find Knox at the edge of his mattress, looking at him with wide eyes and a shy expression. “Hey,” he said softly. “Didn’t mean to startle you, sorry.”
“I— it’s fine.”
Knox pressed his lips into a thin line, averting his gaze. “Uh, Char, can I ask you for a favor?”
Ignoring the way his entire body tensed up at how nervous Knox seemed to be, Charlie nodded. “Sure, anything.”
His friend cleared his throat and grimaced. “Well, it’s gonna sound a bit weird. But I need you to hear me out.”
“What, do you need me to help you hide a body or something?” Charlie joked, earning a laugh from the other and a playful shove.
“Stop! No. That’s not even remotely close. Uhm, I was just thinking… you’ve had a lot of, like, relationship experience, right?”
Charlie’s pulse was taking over his body now, pounding in his head. “Where are you going with this?”
It may have been the dim light of the string lights they had decided to hang up instead of a disgusting big light , as Neil had dubbed it, but Charlie could swear that Knox’s cheeks had turned a slightly rosy colour. He had his hands folded in his lap, looking oddly small. “I, uh, I was wondering if you would help me practice.”
“Practice what?”
Knox coughed loudly and turned away. “No, sorry, it’s dumb, forget it—” He was about to get up, but Charlie, in a sudden surge of confidence and curiosity, grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.
“Tell me!”
“I— well, I haven’t really dated much. So I thought… maybe you could help me and practice kissing with me.” Knox’s voice had gone down to such a low whisper that Charlie surely wouldn’t have heard him if they weren’t sitting so close. For a moment he thought his mind was playing a trick on him. Surely this was some cruel dream his brain was constructing to satisfy his yearning.
But the look of embarrassment and shame on his friend’s face indicated that he had, in fact, heard him correctly.
This was not something that happened to Charlie. This was something out of the books Knox liked to read or the movies Pitts secretly loved the most. This was dangerous and Charlie was bound to get his fingers burnt. He knew that the reasonable thing would be to decline, to laugh and put this off as a stupid joke, a test from Knox to see if Charlie would actually do such a ridiculous thing. But the state his friend was in was no laughing matter. He looked pitiful, staring at the ground.
So he had to be serious.
And Charlie was too desperate to think rationally. “Sure,” he blurted out.
“What, are you— seriously?” Knox’s eyes widened and he stared back at him now. His beautiful brown eyes were fixated on Charlie now, making him feel dizzy and lightheaded.
“Yeah. Sure. Although I don’t see why you would need practice.”
He had assumed this would make the other laugh, or maybe roll his eyes in amusement, but Knox seemed even more flustered now, pouting lightly. “I mean… I don’t know, I just feel like I might be really bad at it. And I trust you. I mean, more than anyone. So I thought I should ask you to help me.”
Something, deep in the back of Charlie’s mind, was screaming at him. About how this was a stupid, foolish idea. Something he should under no circumstances entertain. Something that would blow up right in his face. But he found it hard to listen when he was looking right into Knox’s eyes, which carried such warmth and sincerity it almost hurt. “I’ll help.” he said, then, the final disregard of his concerns.
Knox smiled hesitantly. “Thank you. Uh— I don’t know, I didn’t plan this far.” His gaze flickered from Charlie’s eyes to his lips, then his hands and finally back up.
Charlie felt a tugging sensation in his guts as he carefully leaned a little closer, fingers reaching for Knox’s and intertwining them softly. “Well, what do you want to do? I mean, normally before kissing someone, there’s some… hm, tension building up. You can touch them. Make it clear you’re interested. Do you maybe— do you think that would help? Leading up to it?”
Knox’s mouth was opened ever so slightly. He nodded softly. “Yeah, maybe that would be helpful.”
It was dangerous, idiotic. But Charlie was a moth to the flame in this moment, allowing himself to indulge in the opportunity to get what he’d wanted so long, even if the context was all wrong. “Okay. Then go ahead, what do you want to do? You can do anything. I trust you.”
The last three words seemed to flip a switch inside the other. He suddenly straightened his shoulders, shifting so he sat properly on the bed. He lifted their laced fingers, letting his free hand run over the bare skin of Charlie’s lower arm. It sent goosebumps over his skin and his breath hitched. Knox smiled shyly, making his fingers brush over Charlie’s biceps before falling down to rest on his thigh. He shifted a little again, ensuring he sat directly across from the other.
“What do you like? I mean, when someone flirts with you.” Knox whispered softly, eyes curiously wandering all over Charlie’s body.
“I— I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”
Knox frowned. “Hm, okay.” He seemed to think for a moment. Then he loosened his hand from Charlie’s and instead cupped his face, thumbs stroking his cheeks gently. “Is that nice?”
He somehow had come even closer and Charlie was grateful he was seated, for he would probably be weak in the knees by now. “Mhm.” he hummed. Knox bit his bottom lip, seemingly satisfied with that. His left thumb brushed over Charlie’s mouth now and his gaze followed it curiously. “You need to use chapstick more often. Your lips are all cracked.”
“Sorry.” Charlie muttered, suddenly feeling weirdly vulnerable, as if he were about to shatter into a million pieces.
Knox smiled softly, shaking his head. “No, it’s okay.” His right hand touched Charlie’s jaw, then his neck and collarbone, before resting against his chest. “I’ve never really… Am I being weird? Is this weird?”
“Not at all.” Charlie offered a reassuring smile. “It’s nice.”
The other hesitated for a moment before continuing. His left hand now wandered to cradle the back of Charlie’s head, fingers threading through his hair. He was so warm, so gentle, so unbelievably soft. Charlie realised that he was absolutely screwed now. This was not something he would be able to erase from his memory, probably ever, and right now he didn’t even mind.
“Can I kiss you now?” Knox asked under his breath.
Charlie suppressed the please sitting at the back of his throat. “Yes,” he responded instead.
Knox used his hand to guide the other’s head, pulling him closer until their foreheads were touching. Charlie’s eyes fluttered shut upon the sensation of shallow breath hitting his skin. Then Knox tilted his head ever so slightly, bridging the last bit of distance between them.
It was so soft. Knox’s lips were just as warm and inviting as his fingertips, moving hesitantly and unsurely against Charlie’s until the latter urged him a little by responding enthusiastically. They had time, they were in no hurry at all, so they allowed themselves to be slow. They adapted a steady rhythm and the hand that lay on Charlie’s chest dug into the fabric of his shirt.
Charlie put his own hands onto Knox’s waist, enjoying the way the other seemed to move even closer at that, trying to keep the gap between their bodies as small as possible. It was tender and careful and so unbelievably loaded with sweetness that he found himself wondering whether he should simply perish after this, for he was sure he would never experience anything this lovely again.
When Knox moved away Charlie found himself chasing after him, disappointed as he failed. His friend was looking at him now, dazed and with a shy smile. “How was that?”
For lack of the capacity to lie, Charlie just grinned. “Really good.” There was no use in hiding his joy. He had enjoyed it, even if he didn’t want to. Even if he could feel a sting in his chest as the adrenaline wore off.
Knox pressed his lips together. “Yeah?”
Charlie nodded. “You’re really… you’re a great kisser, Knox.”
“Thanks.” His friend looked down at where there hands were now lying across each other’s laps. “I, uh— thank you again. For agreeing to that. I guess we should sleep now.”
Trying to ignore the sudden realisation how he had just ruined his life, Charlie simply nodded. “Yeah, okay. Goodnight, then.”
Knox got up from his bed, legs a little shaky as he wandered over to his own side of the room. “Goodnight, Char.”
Charlie fell back onto his pillow, head spinning as he stared at the ceiling. He would not sleep very well that night.
He woke up to Knox already awake and, nearly making Charlie break out into a cough, sitting on his bed without a shirt on. He scrolled through his phone, the sweater he seemingly wanted to wear disregarded and lying beside him on his duvet.
His hair was damp and fluffy and Charlie wondered whether he should just turn back around and pretend to sleep. His friend, however, glanced over at him and raised his brows. “Oh, hi.”
Charlie, knowing that he had to act normally now that he had left the secret bubble they had existed in last night, groaned. “Morning.”
Knox laughed. “It’s noon, Char. It’s hardly morning.”
“Time is made up.” He hesitated. “What are you doing?”
“Getting ready. Neil and I are going to that pottery class today.” Charlie’s face must have shown his confusion because Knox rolled his eyes. “I told you about this. I even asked you to come with me but you didn’t want to. Neil is the only one who agreed.”
Charlie sighed. “Yeah, that figures. I’m not exactly an artsy guy.”
Knox frowned. “It’s not about being artsy. It’s about having fun and letting your creativity flow naturally.”
He reached for his sweater now, pulling it over his head and leaving Charlie no chance to steal glances any longer. The latter sat up in his bed, then, stretching his limbs and yawning. “Do you want breakfast? I was going to have a bite before leaving. We could eat together, if you want. More fun than alone.” Knox suggested casually, getting up from his bed.
“Sure. I’ll just get dressed first.” Charlie ignored the pressing questions and doubts in his mind. Were they just going to ignore what had happened? Was he meant not to feel the tingle on his lips anymore now that the magical moment had passed? Would Knox go kiss some girl now, maybe Chris, after he had torn down any wall Charlie had built between them to protect his heart?
Knox smiled at him, clearly not dealing with the similar plaguing thoughts. “I’ll make us some coffee.”
“Thanks, Knoxious. You’re the best.”
“I know.” Knox winked before leaving their room. Charlie pressed his face into his pillow sighing. He would have to deal with it, inevitably. There was no way to take it back but also no way to bring it up without risking their friendship which mattered to him more than anything.
“Get a grip, Dalton!” He muttered as he got out of bed and grabbed some jeans and a sweatshirt out of his closet.
He ran into Pitts in the hallway, who mustered him curiously. “Wow, what happened to you?” He asked incredulously, scratching his chin.
“What do you mean?” Charlie asked.
His friend shrugged. “You look like, hm, how do I say this nicely… You look like crap.”
“Very kind, thanks, Pittsie.” Charlie rolled his eyes. “I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Alright, if you say so!” Pitts ruffled his hair. “Here if you want to chat, though.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
Charlie made his way downstairs to find Knox sitting at their dining table already, two steaming mugs of coffee before him, as well as plates with pastries. “Woah. Where’d those come from?” Charlie asked. Normally, breakfast in their house consisted of whatever cereal was on sale or toast with cream cheese.
Knox grinned. “Well, while you were getting your beauty sleep, I went down to the bakery and got some goods for everyone. The others already ate theirs.”
“Wow. What did we do to deserve that?” Charlie sat down, inspecting what his friend had gotten him. Puff pastry with cheese, slightly warm.
“I put it in the oven for a minute to warm it up.” Knox elaborated. “And I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep so I figured I may as well use the time I have. Wanted to do something nice for everyone.”
Charlie’s heart was threatening to burst in his chest with adoration. “You spoil these guys too much. It’ll get to their heads.”
His friend grinned. “Only one I’m worried about is sitting across from me right now.”
“How dare you!” Charlie gasped playfully. “I do not let things get to my head. Ever.”
“Sure.” Knox sipped on his coffee, eyes not leaving the other’s. “So, what’s your plan for the day then?”
“I have an existential crisis scheduled at about two.” Charlie said matter-of-factly, relishing the smile he managed to bring to the other’s face.
“You’re so…” Knox shook his head.
Charlie sighed. “I don’t really have plans. Maybe I’ll annoy Todd a bit, with his other half gone.” His roommate nodded.
“That sounds reasonable. They’ve been so attached by the hip.”
“Can you blame them?” Charlie sighed. “They make me believe in love.”
Knox looked at home with an unreadable expression. “Yeah. I guess so. They’re really sweet.”
“Maybe you’ll be able to have that soon. With Chris… or some other girl.” Charlie ignored how much the sentence hurt to say. Knox’s expression seemed to falter for a moment into something he couldn’t decipher.
“Oh, yeah. Maybe.” Knox pressed his lips into a thin smile, taking the last bite of his pastry. Before either of them could say anything to try and attempt the sudden awkwardness, Neil materialised in the doorframe.
“Ah, there you are. We should get going, Overstreet!” He walked over, grabbed Charlie’s breakfast and took a bite. “Oh, this is a good one!”
“It was the priciest one.” Knox elaborated. Neil raised his eyebrows.
“I see. Char’s worth the most to you… you wound me, Knox.” He patted Charlie’s shoulder, not noticing the desperate look the latter was throwing his way. “I’m quite excited. I’ll make a mug for Todd.”
“Right.” Knox rolled his eyes.
Neil grinned. “I’m in love ! I thought that’s your niche, Knox! You love love!”
“He just envies you guys and how easy it is for you.” Charlie commented. Neil shrugged.
“That’s not really my fault now, is it? Anyways, let’s go!” He clapped his hands together and seconds later Charlie was left on his own, suddenly feeling scarily hollow.
He spent the day playing board games with Meeks and Todd, thankful for the distraction. His friends also had the decency not to bring his romance dilemma up again. Still, small glimpses of the previous night kept sneaking into his head, reminding him of how what he’d always wanted had been so in reach but had slipped right through his fingers.
He would have to deal with it. There was no way of taking it back and no way to remove the images from his mind. He would have to enjoy his small evening of light, of getting to do what he’d been dreaming of for so long. And he would have to be satisfied with the pretense.
But it didn’t come easily. Instead, Charlie felt the knot in his chest growing stronger as the hours passed by, tugging at him and stinging, making him swallow harder and having him try desperately to keep up the facade of being his usual self rather than an empty shell.
He did notice the concerned looks Todd was giving him. Todd had a way of sensing when something was off with one of them. He always knew but he never asked. He knew that they would approach him if they needed to talk. There was really no one else to approach, he just made it so easy to talk to. There was no one any of them would trust more with their concerns than Todd.
But Charlie wasn’t ready to talk about it. Talking about it would make it real and it would stop being his and Knox’s secret. He wasn’t sure if he wanted that, at least not yet. He would be fine, surely.
Neil came back at three in the afternoon, frown on his face. For an actor he was terrible at hiding his emotions. He sat down beside Todd and took a disapproving look at their current Monopoly progress. “Jeez, who’s the one with three houses on one street already?”
“That would be me.” Meeks said.
The other nodded. “That makes sense.” He put his head on his arms, face squished. Todd regarded him with a raised eyebrow, gently pushing the hair out of his forehead. The casual tenderness of the gesture made Charlie’s stomach twist.
“What’s the matter?” Todd asked his boyfriend. Neil sighed.
“My mug shattered in the kiln. I worked so hard on it.”
Meeks grinned sheepishly. “Rookie mistake. But you guys are going there again soon, aren’t you? You can just make a better one then.”
Neil pursed his lips. “Yeah, but it looked so easy for everyone else!”
Todd smiled. “I’m sure that could have happened to anyone. You can’t expect to be perfect at everything on the first try.”
“Mh.” Neil closed his eyes. “I guess so.”
“Hey, where’s Knox?” Charlie asked, earning another frown from Neil.
“Oh, he ran into a friend and… they’re grabbing a coffee.” He spoke slowly, dragging the words out in the way he only ever did when he was hiding something. Charlie felt a sinking sensation in his gut as it hit him.
“Chris?”
Neil bit his lip. “Uh, yeah.”
Charlie nodded. “Yeah, that figures. Of course it’s Chris.”
“They’re only hanging out.” Todd said carefully. “It doesn’t really mean anything.”
“Are you kidding? With Knox things always mean something.” Charlie released his breath defeatedly. “Uh, whatever. I’m giving up. I need to take a nap, I think.”
His friends looked at him with a sense of urgency. Meeks put a hand on his wrist. “Char—”
“Please. I’m tired.” Charlie pressed out, getting up. The others looked at him with concerned expressions but let him go anyway. He nearly ran upstairs and shut the door behind him. He didn’t even bother to change into more comfortable clothes, simply crawling under his covers and ignoring the way his eyes stung. He fell asleep quickly, mental exhaustion taking the upper hand.
He slipped in and out of consciousness but eventually, when the sun had already set, he awoke to someone gently stroking his arm. He inhaled sharply, suddenly hyper aware of how hot it was under his blanket and fully awake.
Opening his eyes, Charlie found Knox sitting at the edge of his bed, absentmindedly letting his fingers ghost over Charlie’s shoulder. Now his roommate noticed him and smiled. “Hey. Didn’t think you were this tired.”
“What time is it?”
Knox hummed. “Shortly past eight. You missed dinner but we left some for you. Pitts made his carbonara.”
“Oh. Thanks.” Charlie breathed shakily. “When did you get back?”
Suddenly, the touch felt too hot, searing his skin even through the fabric of his shirt. The sight of Knox’s face that Charlie adored so deeply suddenly made him feel a sharp pain, as if being stung with needles. “Oh, like, an hour ago.” His roommate seemed shy admitting this. It sent searing hot anger through Charlie’s body.
“Wow. Must have been a great date then.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm and venom. Knox flinched, his hand tensing and retracting from Charlie.
“What?”
Charlie rolled his eyes, sitting up. His breath was fast and shallow now, filled with frustration. It was as if Knox didn’t want to see how he was hurting him. “You hung out with Chris, didn’t you? How was it? Seems like you had a lot to talk about if it took literal hours.”
His friend’s mouth gaped open, then he closed it again and furrowed his brows. “I mean, yeah. We haven’t seen each other in a while so we had stuff to catch up on. But it wasn’t a date!”
“Fucking hell, Overstreet! Isn’t that the whole reason you kissed me? So you could practice for when you finally ask out the girl of your dreams? Now you had the opportunity to have a date with the girl you’ve been gushing over for ages and you didn’t even take it?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” They had both begun raising their voices. Charlie was riled up now, filled with all the anger and jealousy he’d swallowed down for months now.
Knox seemed confused rather than angry, which only made the other more furious. “I really can’t listen to this crap right now. Just leave me alone, Knox. Please , for once, leave me alone.”
“Char, what are you saying? What happened?”
“Just piss off!” Charlie yelled, biting back tears. It had been a stupid idea, agreeing to the other’s request last night. They had crossed the line and it could not be reversed now. It had been an even worse idea to try and pretend like everything was normal. And now it was probably the worst idea of all to yell at the person he cared for the most. But Charlie was overflowing with rage and despair. He felt invisible, as if he were a ghost and Knox was looking right through him.
His friend flinched again, as if Charlie had struck him. His eyes were widened and glassy, as if he were about to cry. Then, without another word, he got up and swiftly left the room, slamming the door behind himself. Charlie gasped for air, trying to calm his swirling thoughts.
It came dawning on him then, that he had ruined any chance at sweeping their kiss under the rug now and that he had just pushed away the only person he wanted near.
He jumped out of bed and considered his options. He could run after Knox but a small voice in his head told him that would be unwise. He’d been in the wrong here, screaming at his friend who clearly hadn’t purposefully hurt him.
Instead, Charlie decided to go see the only people he felt comfortable asking for advice, distraction, or both.
He pushed the door to Neil and Todd’s door open without knocking. His friends were sitting on Neil’s bed, a laptop in front of them and with their fingers intertwined. Neil didn’t bother to look up and Todd gave Charlie a confused smile. “You need to learn how to knock or you’ll eventually walk in on us in a compromised state.” Neil said sternly, still not looking away from the laptop screen.
Charlie let himself fall on the space beside Todd in a casual manner, attempting to be as normal as possible. “Don’t threaten me with a good time, babe!” He said, although the joke felt a little sour on his tongue. Todd let out somewhat of a sigh. “What’re you guys doing, anyway?”
“We’re watching Before Sunrise ,” Neil explained matter-of-factly, as if that explained everything.
“Neil thinks the guy looks like me.” Todd added.
Charlie looked at the laptop screen where a young couple was currently sitting in a café. The woman was beautiful, blonde long hair with stunning waves in them and soft facial features, making her look more like she’d escaped a painting than a real person. The man, surprisingly, looked eerily like Todd, except that he had a stubbly mustache and beard. “Oh yeah, that’s totally your long lost twin. Straight Todd, if you will.”
“I don’t see it.” Todd insisted, huffing. Neil seemed to ponder over this, humming.
From the corner of his eye Charlie saw him take his boyfriend’s face into his hands, pulling an expression as if he were actually inspecting it. “No, you’re right. You’re way prettier than that guy.”
Todd groaned with flusteredness shaking his head. “You’re so…” The wide grin on his face told the truth. Charlie felt another sting deeply in his chest. It looked so easy for them. So simple, uncomplicated.
For a while he watched with them, all three of them falling into silence. Eventually, though, Todd pressed pause and gently shoved Charlie’s head off of his shoulder. “Why did you come here, by the way? Surely you’re not that into watching a movie with us.”
Silently, in a fraction of a second, Charlie considered his options. He could lie, could claim he’d forgotten already. But he knew that truthfully there had been a good reason for him to interrupt his friends’ date night. He needed help. But he’d never really been the best as asking for it. “I…” He sat up straight, opening his mouth to speak, but his throat felt dry. Then, without him having any real control over it, a sob escaped him, bellowing out of his guts.
The singular hiccup was followed by hot tears streaming across his cheeks and violent cries escaping his throat, making him gasp for air and bury his face in his hands. He heard the laptop shut and soon after both of his friends were rubbing circles over his back. “Fuck, Char, what’s going on?” Neil asked, the usual smugness wiped from his voice. He sounded concerned, raw and worried the way he usually only was when Todd had something on his mind.
Over years and years of friendship, Charlie had learned to trust him more than anyone. They usually didn’t need words. They seldom had helpful advice for one another so they didn’t talk, but they knew when something was happening and they offered each other comfort and distraction. Laughter and lightness even on the gloomiest of days.
With Todd things were different. He knew the right thing to say and he always asked to hear what was going on. He was so perceptive and Charlie envied him for it sometimes. These were exactly the right people to speak to. The two he trusted the most, except maybe for Knox. But he couldn’t speak to Knox right now, not about this.
“I fucked it up.” The words tumbled out in between yelps and hung in the air heavily, weighing down on Charlie in a way that hurt. “I fucked everything up.”
“What happened?” Todd’s voice was quiet, gentle and careful. As if he were asking for permission to break Charlie’s walls down. He was so sweet with it that it made the other cry even more. “I’m sure we can figure something out.”
It took a while for Charlie’s breath to even out enough for him to gather a coherent thought. There was a knock on the door at some point. Neil got up and opened it just ever so slightly. He slipped out for a moment but the muffled conversation was drowned out by Charlie’s crying. Todd kept stroking over his back, hushing him softly. Neil came back inside and didn’t say anything about what had happened. Charlie didn’t find enough strength in himself to care.
Eventually his shoulders were only shaking lightly anymore and he peeled his hands away from his damp face. Todd reached to his nightstand and offered him a box of tissues. Once Charlie had cleaned up a little he began to speak, feeling his friends’ warm and kind eyes on him. He was safe. He inhaled deeply, pressing his lips into a thin line before explaining. “Yesterday… It all started with that stupid movie. Knox just took my hand. And he didn’t let go the entire time.” The others nodded, although they’d been there.
“Afterwards, in our room… When we were about to sleep, Knox asked me if I— he brought up how I’m so experienced in relationships. I’m not really, right? I mean, I’ve had, like, two girlfriends and one boyfriend. And maybe I’ve kissed some people… but usually I was not thinking clearly when that happened. Anyways, he then asked me if I could help him.”
Neil’s eyebrows were knitted together and he scratched his chin, seemingly confused. Todd’s expression was neutral, except for an almost unnoticeable smile. He nodded, encouraging Charlie to continue.
“He asked if I could help him by practicing how to kiss. Like… Like in those stupid cheesy novels he’s so obsessed with. I mean, who does that? Who on earth asks that?”
Todd’s poker face faltered and his mouth gaped open in surprise. The hand that wasn’t holding Charlie’s ghosted over Neil’s thigh in an almost automated, absentminded manner. Charlie ignored how much he envied that closeness and intimacy came so thoughtlessly to them. Instead he focused on how loved he felt now, with Neil’s thumb stroking over his wrist in a calming manner.
“I know. I— was so confused. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. All I could think about was the… the possibility of it, you know? He’d never kiss me. Not under normal circumstances. So I agreed, because I’m a fucking idiot, apparently.” Charlie took a deep breath, feeling his pulse speed up again. “And we kissed and it was just… marvellous . Like, hell, it was so good and addictive and I felt like I was floating on some stupid cloud. And then it stopped and we went to sleep and today we just acted like everything was normal.”
His friends looked tense now, as if they were barely holding back from interrupting him. Still, Charlie kept going. Todd and Neil exchanged a look, a silent and fast conversation that he wasn’t a part of. He didn’t care.
“But then he— you tell me he met up with Chris. Out of all people. And I just… It all came crashing down on me then. And I thought sleeping would help but then I woke up and he was just being sweet and touching my shoulder and he was smiling and I suddenly only saw red. I mean, hell, I love him! Do you understand? I love him and normally when I look at him I only feel warmth and joy and I still felt that but I also felt so much fury and pain and it felt like someone was ripping my heart right out of my chest. And I just… I acted like a real asshole. I mocked him and then I yelled at him and I didn’t listen to what he was saying and I also didn’t explain what was going on. It was just stupid. And I told him to leave. Like, that’s the last thing I ever want him to do. Why would I say that?” He let out a humorless laugh. “I really fucked it up. Now he will never want to see me again and he’ll be hurt and upset and it’s all my fault. Because I can’t keep my mouth shut and my feelings to myself.”
Todd squeezed his hand, sensing that his monologue had finished. “Oh, Charlie,” he said softly, affectionately even. As if he were speaking to a child that had just scratched open their knee.
Charlie breathed heavily. “I feel so… I don’t know what to do. He’s my favorite person and I don’t quite know why I did all that. I don’t know why I said yes last night and I don’t know why just talking to him honestly scares me so much but it does. It scares the shit out of me. And I’m so afraid of losing him and now I fear I may have pushed him away and I can’t reverse that.”
“Charles Dalton, you’re going to listen to me now.” Neil said seriously, shifting so he sat even closer to him. “Knox fucking adores you, okay? He worships the ground you walk on. Yeah, the way you acted was really shitty and you should not have done that at all. But you’re not the person I think you are if you just…” His voice faltered.
Todd sighed deeply. “Charlie, what I think Neil means is that you have to talk to him. Even if it’s scary, it’s the only way to do this. And Knox surely won’t hate you. He cares about you a lot and that won’t just change.”
“I know I have to talk to him.” Charlie groaned. “I know, okay? But it’s not— you guys act like it’s so easy! Either of you has an issue and you just… you talk about it and then you kiss and make up and things are fine. I’m not like that, okay? When I see him I always just… It’s like I forget how to be normal. And I have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone . Hell, I barely manage telling you two. With Knox I always just am so scared that he won’t understand or that I won’t find the right words.”
Neil frowned. “It’s not easy for us either, okay? It may look like it but I usually try to swallow things down if they bother me and Todd rather cries alone in the bathroom sometimes than coming to me. But we try . We try and that’s why it works. You’re not even giving yourself the chance to try, though.”
“I just— what do I even say to him?”
Todd shrugged. “The truth. There’s really no way around it anymore. You two broke through the last barrier when you kissed and there’s just no scenario that plays out well if you just continue hiding it.”
“But he’s… he doesn’t see me that way. What if he finds it disgusting?”
“Come on, Char. We know Knox. You know him. He’s the last person to ever judge anyone for their feelings.” Neil shook his head. “You have to speak, Dalton. Open your mouth and speak . He will find out eventually, probably sooner than later. It should be you he hears it from.”
Charlie sighed. “Look, I know. I know, it’s just… so scary.”
Todd offered a warm smile. “You can do it. I know you can. And you will feel better once you’ve been honest. I’m certain of that.”
“Yeah.” Charlie freed his hands from his friends’ grips, carefully getting up. “I’m sorry I interrupted your date.”
Neil laughed. “It’s fine.”
“You’re always welcome to come to us.” Todd added.
“Thanks I… I really love you guys, you know?”
“We know.” Neil promised. “And we love you too. Everyone in this house does.”
Charlie let the words settle, seeping through his clothes and skin all the way down to his bones. Everyone in this house. Tentatively he left the room and headed for the bathroom instead, glad to find it empty. He washed his face and brushed his hair, as it had begun clinging to his forehead uncomfortably. His eyes were puffy and red now and his cheeks were flushed. He looked messy, dishevelled even.
This was not the state he wanted to face the rest of his friends in, let alone Knox, but it would have to do. He patted his face with his hands and took another deep breath. “Tell him! You must.” The words came out a little shaky, still, but he had mostly regained his composure. So he left the bathroom and, after straightening his shoulders, made his way downstairs to the living room.
The room was empty, but Pitts and Cameron sat at the small kitchen table, eating the apples Meeks had sworn he’d bake into a crumble but neglected as soon as they had been purchased. They looked solemn, both of them absentmindedly staring into the air. Upon Charlie’s entrance they glanced up and Pitts swallowed hard. “Hey.” His voice came out bland and quieter than normal.
“Hey.” Charlie stood in the door frame awkwardly. “Where is Knox?”
Cameron offered him one of the slices he had cut out of his apple. “He just went back to your room a few minutes ago.” He sounded casual, which did not match his demeanor. Charlie tensed but accepted the apple anyway.
“Is he okay?”
Pitts cleared his throat. “He’s fine, he was a bit… shaken up. But he calmed down.” Upon seeing Charlie wince, he continued: “He didn’t say what exactly happened, just that you guys fought.”
Charlie sighed. “He humors me. Wasn’t exactly a fight, just me being a dick over… over my own idiocy.”
Cameron raised his eyebrows but remained pointedly silent. Charlie made his way to the fridge and got out milk. He grabbed two mugs and filled them up before placing them in the microwave to heat up. Then he took out the instant hot chocolate that nobody in their house except Knox liked. It was Knox’s little guilty pleasure, his favourite sweet treat. And it would be a perfect peace offering, an apology.
“Look, I know I messed up. And I will apologize to him the moment I arrive upstairs.”
Pitts hummed. “You know he’s not mad at you. He never is.”
Charlie sighed. “Yeah, I know. He’s… he’s too good for me. But I owe him an apology nonetheless. I was just being an asshole, but I love him and I’ll make it right.”
Upon the surprised gasp leaving both his friends’ mouths at the same time he realised that he had not admitted the full extent of his feelings to them before. “Wow.” Cameron whispered.
Charlie stirred the cocoa into the mugs until a sickly sweet scent reached his nose. “I’ll fix it.” He didn’t know whether it was his friends he was making the promise to or himself, but it didn’t matter. He felt determined now.
With careful steps he made his way upstairs, mindful not to spill anything. He was happy to find the door to their room already slightly ajar, allowing him to push it open with his body without having to touch the handle.
He kicked it closed behind him and, after breathing deeply, allowed himself to look at Knox. He sat on his bed, legs crossed and a book in his lap which he was reading with great focus. He hadn’t noticed Charlie yet, so the latter took a moment to simply admire him. His friend looked soft, edges blurring in the dim light. He had sunk into himself just slightly, the only hint of their argument. Charlie was so in love, so enamored, that he caught himself smiling anyway. Any anger he’d felt was gone now, replaced with that familiar sensation of gentle adoration.
As not to startle Knox too much, he cleared his throat audibly. His roommate looked up, eyes widening and shoulders tensing up just a little. He didn’t speak, just stared at Charlie expectantly.
“Hi.” Charlie offered a tentative smile. “I made you hot chocolate.” He walked over the remaining two steps and handed one of the mugs over. Knox let his book lay openly in his lap and took the drink with both of his hands, looking at it with confusion, as if he’d never seen it before.
“Oh. Thank you.” His voice was quiet and raw. It seemed like Charlie hadn’t been the only one crying. The realisation shattered his heart.
Now, however, as Knox took a careful sip and looked back up at his friend, Charlie didn’t quite find the courage in himself anymore to start speaking. Instead, he backed up a little, awkwardly gesturing at the book. “What are you reading?”
Knox’s untelling expression faltered and his mouth gaped open ever so slightly. “I— uh, Meeks gave it to me. It’s… I’m not sure, some coming-of-age novel.”
“Is it good?”
He shrugged. “So far, yeah.”
For a while they both just stared at each other, thoughts forming in Charlie’s mind but falling apart before they could take shape. His hand trembled, so he set his mug down on his nightstand, toying with his sweater instead. Knox took the bookmark lying beside him and placed it on the page he had open, closing the book and laying it aside.
“Charlie…” he said, then, “I’m really confused right now. You— you were so upset earlier and I know I did something wrong but I really don’t know what it is and I’m sorry but you’re being very— I don’t understand.”
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Charlie said sternly. The other frowned.
“Will you please just talk to me, Char? What’s going on? Why are you suddenly— I can’t handle this sudden hot and cold. Please just tell me what happened and what I can do to make it right. Please explain!” Knox was pleading now, putting his mug away and clasping his hands together and breathing heavily. Charlie felt stone cold sober, suddenly, as he looked at him.
“I will! I will explain everything. I promise.” Charlie took a deep breath, nodding affirmingly. He was still standing in the middle of the room, painfully aware of the distance between them. “Look, Knox, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you because you really didn’t do anything wrong and I just let my anger out on you. That wasn’t fair of me to do and you didn’t deserve that.”
Knox nodded, urging him to continue. His eyes were warm, gaze holding Charlie’s even when the latter looked away.
“The… the thing is that I’ve avoided this conversation for really long, too long, even. Because I was scared and I still am scared. I thought it would just blow over if I kept it to myself but now I’m not so sure anymore. I think if I don’t tell you it will just get worse and I will just fall into this endless spiral of… regret. Because now I ended up hurting you, which is the last thing I ever wanted.”
Knox smiled softly. “It’s okay.”
Charlie shook his head. “No, it’s really not okay, Knoxie. It isn’t. The thing is that you’re my favorite person and I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever upset you like that again. So I will be honest now.” Another deep breath. Charlie closed his eyes shortly, gathering every last bit of courage in him. “Knox, I know you’re… you’re straight and you like Chris. And that’s okay. I’ve heard how you speak about her and I know that she’s lovely and wonderful and that’s exactly the kind of person you deserve. So I’m not mad at you, it’s just… I like you. More than a friend, more than a best friend, even. I think I’ve felt that way for quite a while. It wasn’t there the whole time, but it developed eventually and once I realised it was already too late.”
He watched Knox’s eyes widen and his mouth open as if to speak. “No, let me finish!” Charlie demanded. The other gasped softly, but didn’t interrupt him.
“I’m so sorry about this and I’m sorry for keeping it from you but I was so scared of what you’d think and say if I told you. I know it’s… it’s crossing a boundary and I understand if you don’t feel comfortable sharing a room anymore. I can ask Meeks or Pitts to switch or I can even move out and get my own place. I promise, it’s fine. I didn’t— I was trying really hard to act normally because I thought that way it would all just end without any trouble. But then you— I should have said no yesterday. But I took advantage of your vulnerability and that was so wrong of me. I’m so sorry, Knox. It just screwed with my head, kissing you. And today, acting as if it hadn’t happened… I couldn’t take it. It was too much. So I blew up at you and it was really fucking stupid and wrong of me and I am genuinely so sorry. You have to believe me. I’m sorry, Knox.”
When he finished he gasped for air, as if he had been holding it. His head was spinning and he was blinking back tears but he felt a weight fall off his shoulders. He swayed a little, stumbling backwards. “Woah!” he heard Knox exclaim, then he felt a hand around his wrist and another on his shoulder, steadying him. “Are you okay?”
“Peachy.” Charlie mumbled, keeping his eyes closed.
“Come on, let’s have a seat.” Knox gently led him to his bed, making him sit. Judging by the weight that dented the mattress beside Charlie, he also sat down with him. “Char, look at me!” The words came out gingerly, almost a whisper. It was that voice that Charlie could never say no to, so he obeyed, eyes fluttering open to find his friend right beside him, gentle eyes fixated on his face and a tender smile on his lips. “Can I speak now?”
Charlie nodded, not trusting his tongue to form a proper response. Knox inhaled, his chest moving along with it. “Okay. I think I have to clear up a few things.” He smiled knowingly, letting his hand slide from the other’s shoulder down to his fingertips, letting his own ghost over them softly. Charlie got goosebumps, a shiver rushing down his spine. “First of all, I don’t want you moving out or changing rooms or any of that crap, okay? You can forget all about that immediately.” He raised his eyebrows and Charlie slowly hummed. “Okay.”
Satisfiedly, Knox continued, poking the other’s chest with his index finger. “Secondly, I am not straight. I know we haven’t spoken about it so I see where you’re coming from. Hell, I thought I was straight until very recently. But I’ve thought about it and… I definitely like men. I’m not even sure if I like women, but I do like men. I’m certain of that. Attraction is confusing and all, but this is clear as day to me. I just didn’t think it was… I guess I didn’t have the guts to bring it up. I mean, all of you here are so open about being queer and I was still figuring stuff out— still am . But yeah, not straight.”
Charlie felt like Knox may as well have revealed to him that he was actually a vampire, it would have left him equally baffled and confused. “What?”
His friend grinned shyly, looking down and then back up. “No, now it’s my turn talking. And you’ll let me finish, okay?”
“Okay.”
Knox took another breath. “The third, and maybe the most important thing— even though I’ve told you this before is that I don’t like Chris. Not like that. She’s really sweet and fun and a friend I greatly appreciate and maybe when I first met her I was a little starstruck, yeah. But I realised pretty quickly that it wasn’t romantic. I don’t have any interest in her that way and I find it so frustrating that you kept insisting. You really confused me with how persistent you were because the whole time I really didn’t want to date her but you kept telling me that I should so I figured you just… I don’t know what I thought.”
Charlie swallowed down a retort, sensing that the other wasn’t finished yet.
“Char, I don’t like Chris. I like— I like you . You stupid, irritating, infuriating idiot, I’ve liked you this entire time. You were hurting me because you kept insisting and I figured if you wanted me to date Chris so much there was no chance you felt the same.” Charlie choked on his own saliva, coughing wildly. Thoughts spun wildly in his brain as the other burst into laughter, patting his back until he calmed. “Charlie, I want you. I don’t want anyone else. I want you. That’s why I asked to kiss you. I figured that it was a safe way to finally kiss you without having to worry about you rejecting my advances. I know it was a silly idea and I’m sorry for hurting you. But holy crap, I want you so badly, Charlie. The reason I came to realise that I liked men is you . I couldn’t— at some point I caught myself staring at you and thinking of you constantly and imagining how it would be to kiss you and touch you and how it would feel to— you get what I mean. It’s you. It’s always been you. It was you when you bought us that stupid couple’s costume for halloween last year and it was you when you nearly froze to death at that christmas party. It’s you, Charlie.”
He was grinning even wider now, lopsided and idiotic and beautiful. Charlie felt his heart pounding in his entire body and found that he himself was also smiling now, unable to avert his eyes. “Shit, I love you.” The words practically rolled off his tongue, making Knox gasp in surprise.
“You— you love me?”
And of course Charlie did. He nodded strongly. “I love you, Knox Overstreet.” It solidified now, the words hanging in the air between them, electrifying and bright. He couldn’t stop smiling.
Knox’s hand cupped his jaw and in a swift movement he surged forward to connect their lips. It was different today, any hesitance had faded and been replaced with a fiery passion, both of them almost crying in despair for each other. It was messy and sloppy and Knox knocked them both over with force. Charlie landed on his bed, the other hovering over him and kissing him tirelessly, not leaving room to properly breathe or think.
Charlie’s hands dug into the other’s waist, sliding under his sweater effortlessly and finding soft, warm skin. He sighed gleefully, lips moving with even more urge. He bit down on Knox’s mouth, wanting to bathe in the sound that escaped the other. Somehow, they turned around, Charlie’s fingers restlessly wandering over his friend’s torso while he felt a pair of arms wrap around his neck. Their breaths were hot and their legs tangled up, as if any part of them that wasn’t touching the other would burst into flames.
Knox pressed his lips against the corner of Charlie’s mouth before moving down to kiss his jaw, his neck and his collarbone, stopping to nibble at the sensitive skin every now and then. Charlie’s eyes remained shut and he focused on his breath and the way the other’s muscles tensed slightly under his touch.
The other’s own fingers were digging into Charlie’s thighs, igniting more fire inside him. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed being wanted this way and how much more magical it was with this man who not only was the object of all his desires but also his best friend, moving almost routinely, as if he’d done it a thousand times before. Knox knew him, knew what Charlie wanted and needed even when he himself couldn’t describe it.
“I love you.” Charlie repeated, breathless and trembling.
Knox stopped kissing him, then, leaning up just slightly so they could lock eyes. “I love you, Char.” The nickname sounded more like a song, coming out of his mouth. Charlie had never imagined his own name could be pronounced so beautifully, as if it were a profession of love in itself. He allowed himself to take in every detail of the other’s face. His lips, swollen and red, his cheeks, flushed in the loveliest pink, his hair, ruffled and messy the way Knox hated but Charlie liked the most. His eyes were glazed over, as if he were in a dream.
Charlie smiled, flipping them over again. He let his own mouth ghost over the other’s face, his forehead, nose, lips, then his chin, his jaw, up to his ear. Knox hummed happily under him. The scent of his cologne filled Charlie’s nose and he paused for a moment. “Maybe we could practice more often, hm?” He suggested, carefully sucking on a spot right below Knox’s jaw, making the other inhale sharply.
“Y-you’re so…”
“You’re beautiful.” Charlie grinned, satisfied with himself. “And I’m so crazy about you, you have no idea.”
“Be my boyfriend!” Knox spoke under his breath, clearly overwhelmed, but he was looking right at Charlie, a pleading expression on his face.
“You don’t even have to ask that, idiot.” Charlie kissed him again, a little slower this time.
Knox let a moment pass, sighing deeply. “Our drinks are getting cold.” He mumbled.
“I like this more, anyway.”