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“That’s the exact day I asked you out last week!” Mikoshiba threw his controller on the floor, the frustration finally getting the better of him. His newest dating game was unreasonably difficult to figure out, even for a seasoned player like himself. The girls would constantly change their minds on topics, deny his requests for dates, and generally be complete pains in the ass. One girl even rejected his gift because the wrapping paper he had picked wasn’t her favorite color. The game had been advertised as a challenging, skill-building type of game, but he had never expected it to be this complicated. There’s no way that real girls were this hard to ask out!
Mikoshiba paused for a second at that thought. He had never actually tried to ask a girl out. He had never wanted to. He’d spewed more embarrassing romantic lines than he cared to remember, but it was just a habit; there was no substance behind any of them.
That’s right, I got into these games because of that... He was fourteen when he got his first dating game, and he had never had a crush. Now, he was seventeen, a third year in high school, and he still hadn’t had one. When he bought that first game, he had wanted to see if he could learn how to fall in love, but the game never changed anything, nor did any game he played after it.
He liked the girls in the games he played, but it was only because there was enough of a wall to separate the video game world from reality. He was somebody else when he played; he took the role of the main character and fell in love, but those feelings couldn’t transfer over into real life because it ultimately was the protagonist feeling those things, not him. In an attempt to bring those feelings into the real world, he had tried talking to more girls at his school, had tried playing out the persona of the characters in the games, but that didn’t do anything either; girls started to like him more, but his own feelings never changed.
That’s really how he got here. He was just a nerd who played video games based around concepts he couldn’t understand, one who had developed an embarrassing speech habit that he now had basically no control over. He had just wanted to be able to fall in love like everyone else, but none of it had worked.
He’d even been confessed to several times recently, and the atmosphere alone had made Mikoshiba nearly die with embarrassment, but he somehow managed to pull himself together each time long enough to stammer an apology and tell them that he didn’t feel the same way. He had started to feel guilty about it, especially after the last girl had just smiled sadly and quietly said “I hope you get the one you like.” His heart had sunk straight to his feet at that moment, and he only felt worse when he remembered that it was all his cheesy lines that were making these girls like him; he was basically leading them on, even if that wasn’t his intention.
It was just too disheartening. Everyone else could love, couldn’t they? Even if the person they liked didn’t like them in return? Why was he doomed to being the only one who couldn’t return feelings no matter who they came from?
Mikoshiba realized with a jolt that he had gotten completely lost in his thoughts. He looked back up at the angry girl on the screen, then sighed to himself and moved to turn the game off. It was late anyway; he should get some rest. Tomorrow was Saturday, but Nozaki had asked them all to come over in advance, saying he’d need a lot of help for this chapter. Mikoshiba changed into his pajamas and crawled into bed, hoping he’d feel better in the morning.
“Ah, you’re here, Mikorin!” Sakura answered the door when Mikoshiba rang the bell, inviting him in with a smile.
“Ah, Mikoshiba, right on time,” Nozaki half-greeted him from his desk. Mikoshiba looked around.
“Mayu’s not here today?” The younger boy had become a fairly constant presence in Nozaki’s apartment since he entered high school; he’d often get too tired to take the half hour trip back to their parents’ house, so he would stay the night at Nozaki’s. Nozaki himself didn’t seem to mind much, and everyone else had gotten quite used to him being there.
“He said something about his teammates forcing him to get his grades up again and went home. I think he has homework to do.”
“Oh, I see.” Mikoshiba tried to not let his disappointment show too much. He still wasn’t feeling too great from the night before, and he got along well with Mayu and liked it when he was around, even if he didn’t do much but rest in the corner. Although, the boy’s stare could be a bit unnerving; sometimes he would sit at the table and lay his head down and watch Mikoshiba draw, his eyes following every minute gesture of Mikoshiba’s hands.
“Are you okay, Mikorin?” Sakura asked, peering up at him.
“W-what!?” Mikoshiba started, snapping out of his thoughts to look down at Sakura’s curious eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine...” Sakura didn’t seem too convinced, but she let it go, sitting back down at the table to resume the beta work.
“Here’s the pages that need accents,” Nozaki said, holding out a small stack for Mikoshiba. He took the pages and flipped through them.
“Is this a new character?” Mikoshiba asked, surprised. That would explain why Nozaki needed the extra help.
“Yes, his name is Hiroyuki.”
“Hiroyuki...”
“We went people-watching last week to find a model~” Sakura chimed in.
“Ah, don’t draw too many accents on him.” Mikoshiba looked up from the pages, raising an eyebrow in question.
“Why not?” He had never heard that kind of request from Nozaki before.
“I haven’t come up with a love interest for him yet, and I don’t want readers to get the wrong idea.”
“Hmm... I guess all your characters come in pairs, huh? But what would they get the wrong idea about?” Nozaki shrugged.
“They might think he likes one of the other characters,” Sakura supplied. “It’s probably best to keep his charm down somewhat until you have someone to direct it at, right?”
“I guess...” It seemed a little odd, but Mikoshiba didn’t think much of it and sat down to get to work.
“Hey guys,” Mikoshiba said, taking his shoes off and stepping into the apartment.
“Hey,” Nozaki said.
“Hey!” Sakura also greeted him. Mayu raised his hand from where he was lying in the corner.
“Here’s the pages for this time,” Nozaki said, holding out the papers for him. Mikoshiba quickly flipped through them.
“Oh, Hiroyuki’s back this chapter?” It had been several months since the character’s debut, but he hadn’t appeared in the last couple of chapters. Mikoshiba had become a little attached to him as the only main character in Nozaki’s manga that wasn’t romantically involved.
“Yeah, but I’m not really sure what he’s doing.” Mikoshiba gave him a look.
“Didn’t you write it?” He didn’t know why he was questioning it, really. Nozaki was always like that.
“I did, but...” He trailed off, and Mikoshiba went to sit down. He heard a bit of shuffling, and then Mayu appeared at his side, resting his head on the table.
“But?” Sakura finally prompted.
“I still haven’t given him a love interest...” He seemed a little embarrassed by this failure on his part.
“But why not? It’s been awhile...” Sakura asked.
“It’s just that... I guess—” Nozaki seemed to struggle for words. “I can’t think of the kind of person he would fall in love with?” Sakura tapped her lip with the end of her brush, looking at the pages in front of her.
“I think I understand what you mean. I can’t really imagine him with anyone...” She finally said.
“Maybe he doesn’t have someone,” Mayu’s quiet voice made Mikoshiba’s heart seize, his breath catching in his throat as a painful mix of fear and hope washed over him. His eyes slowly moved to look at Nozaki, and after several moments of tense silence, he spoke.
“Maybe just a friend would be better? Someone he could depend on...”
“I think that still fits the spirit of shoujo manga!” Sakura agreed excitedly. “It might be a nice change of pace!”
“Yeah,” Nozaki said with a decisive nod. His eyes flicked over to the three people gathered at his coffee table, then he stood up suddenly. “Sakura, bathroom.” He didn’t give her the chance to object, pulling her up by the arm and away from the room. Mikoshiba watched them go with a concerned look.
“Geez, that Nozaki...” He said quietly, shaking his head. Still, I wish I knew what they were talking about... He reluctantly turned toward his pages, picked up his pen, and started on the accents, all too aware of Mayu’s eyes on his reddened face.
“Which girl do you actually want, Mayu?” Sakura had had to go home, but Mayu was staying the night and Mikoshiba had ultimately decided to stay as well, not wanting to go home and be by himself. The three of them were playing one of Mikoshiba’s dating games, and after a dangerously close repeat of the last time he played one with Nozaki, Mikoshiba had decided Mayu should give it a try. He was doing better than Nozaki, but he couldn’t seem to show favor to any one character in particular, hence Mikoshiba’s exasperated question.
Mayu seemed to think about it for a second, his eyes flicking down to the controller resting loosely in his hands.
“You pick,” he finally said. Mikoshiba sighed, grabbing the game booklet.
“What’s the point of you playing if I pick?” He grumbled, flipping through the character pages. “How about her?” He turned the book towards Mayu. “She’s the archery club captain.” Mikoshiba figured she was the most to his tastes, and Mayu confirmed his choice with a small nod. “Alright, try to pick things for her sake, okay?”
The game continued for awhile longer, Mayu finally making choices towards a route instead of just at random. As the time of the girl’s confession finally came, Mikoshiba suddenly became aware of a soft snoring coming from behind him. Mayu seemed to have noticed it too, turning slightly.
“He’s asleep!?”
“Niisan works hard,” Mayu said. Mikoshiba belatedly noticed that Nozaki was holding a notebook to his chest—was he taking notes this whole time? Despite the annoyance (and slight curiosity), Mikoshiba figured they should probably let him sleep. He motioned for Mayu to continue, and they quickly finished up the route.
“Did you like her?” Mikoshiba asked as the credits rolled.
“I had fun,” Mayu replied. Mikoshiba felt oddly proud, despite the boy’s usual deadpan tone. He turned the game off and waved for Mayu to follow him to Nozaki’s room. This arrangement seemed a little off, but it wasn’t like he could carry Nozaki to his bed, and though Mayu probably could, Mikoshiba sincerely doubted he could persuade him to. It would definitely be easier for them to just go to the other room and let Nozaki sleep for now. It was pretty late, after all.
Once Mayu had slowly moved into Nozaki’s room and made himself at home in the far corner, hugging his knees, Mikoshiba quietly closed the door and sat down next to him. He sighed to himself.
“Is something wrong?” Mayu asked. His intense gaze was already fixed on Mikoshiba when the older boy looked over. Mikoshiba promptly dropped his eyes to the floor.
“Just not sure what to do now.” Mayu gave him a strange look, though his face barely moved.
“Mikoto-san.” Mikoshiba reluctantly looked up again. “You’re the same as Hiroyuki-kun?”
“W-what are you talking about?” He stammered, startled by the sudden change of topic. Mayu looked deep in thought for a moment, and Mikoshiba thought to himself that despite his laziness, Mayu sure spent a lot of effort in figuring out how to say something in the shortest way possible.
“Friendship is more important to you,” Mayu finally said. “You seemed happy earlier...” He added. Mikoshiba felt his face flushing.
“I-I just like Hiroyuki as a character, that’s all...” Mayu looked at him quietly. “Ok, maybe I relate to him a little bit. It’s just—” Mikoshiba cut himself off, looking down again. Somehow, he couldn’t bear to admit it to someone else.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked over at Mayu. Something in his eyes made Mikoshiba feel at ease, though his gaze was as startling as ever.
“It’s just—” Mikoshiba tried to start again. “I’ve never... I’ve never felt that way. About anyone.” Mayu’s head inclined slightly, bangs falling delicately in front of his eyes. “I’ve never fallen in love, or had a crush... I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just don’t have those feelings...” A heavy silence fell. After several long moments, Mayu finally spoke.
“I... am the same.” Mikoshiba’s ears rang, and he looked over at the other boy in shock.
“What?”
“I’ve never felt them either.”
“Y-you haven’t?” Mayu gave a small nod. “I thought I was the only one...”
“I only realized when I started reading Niisan’s manga... I didn’t know it was a real thing until then.”
“M-me too!” Mikoshiba said excitedly, a deep feeling of relief quickly overtaking him. “I thought people just did that stuff for fun! I didn’t know they actually meant it...” Mayu’s head tilted again softly.
“Does it bother you?” Mikoshiba sighed.
“Yeah... Doesn’t it bother you?” Mayu shook his head.
“I have people I care about and love... It doesn’t matter to me if I can’t feel that exact kind of love.”
“Oh,” Mikoshiba said. “I guess that’s true... I have people I care about too.” He suddenly felt Mayu’s head resting on his shoulder.
“You’re important to me, Mikoto-san,” he said quietly. Mikoshiba looked down at him, his heart skipping a beat.
“Y-you’re important to me, too...” Mayu gently nuzzled into his shoulder and closed his eyes, as though talking about the personal subject had made him tired. Watching him, Mikoshiba couldn’t help but feel a bit tired too. It really was late...
Mikoshiba gently rested his head on top of Mayu’s, the boy’s soft hair brushing against his cheek. Mikoshiba had always found Mayu’s presence comforting, but now more than ever it quickly took him over, and he found himself dozing off within minutes, settled comfortably with someone he loved.