Work Text:
"Hey! I hear we're gonna be roomates!" Neil said politely holding out his palm. The boy took his hand and shook it lightly, that moment was the first of many times Neil ever thought about how much he longed for a kiss from Todd Anderson.
1.
The line to Mr. Nolan's office seemed infinite, it streched further then Todd's naked eye could reach, however he found himself standing on top of some stairs next to pubescent boys -thankfully minding their own business- giving the situation around them little to no thought, as if they've done this several times before.
"Mr Overstreet-" another batch of faceless names was called "-Perry" he knew that one "Dalton, Anderson, Cameron." Todd felt his stomach flip as he climbed the stairs one by one inevitably finding himself infront of Mr.Nolan's Desk. It was wider than any desk he'd ever seen, Todd briefly questioned himeself if its purpose was to give Mr Nolan a sense of grandness over who was sitting on the other side.
As Nolan greated Knox into the room his face turned to Todd and addressed him directly "Mr Anderson since you're new here let me explain you some things-" every word that came out of Nolan's mounth became quieter and quieter as Todd tried to show confidence and interess instead of showing him his mindless eyes, just as his mother had tought him. "-These activities are to be taken every bit as seriously as any other class-" the longer the speech continued the colder todd's hands felt in his pocket, rubbing against his itchy uniform's fabric. "Isn't that right boys?"
"Yes sir"
What were they even talking about?
"Mr Dalton: school news paper, service club, soccer, rowing.
Mr Overstreet: Wealth and society candidates, school news paper, soccer, sons of alumni club.
Mr Perry: Wealth and society candidates, chemestry club, mathematics club, soccer, No school annual..." He felt so bad for the poor boy, he really seemed to care which seemed rather unsual for a boy his age.
"Mr Cameron: Wealth and society candidates, debate club, rowing, surfice club"
The dreaded time had came. "Mr Anderson." Yes?
"Based on your records at ballincrest: soccer, service club, school annual." Soccer? That was the same one almost all the boys had in common, which meant the inevitable time they'll realize he actually sucks at soccer will sooner or later come, and he knows he will make a fool of himself in the mix of it all. He just never liked it, he never felt any connection to it, it didn't feel his.
"I-" he tried, he really did. A simple sentence, that was all he needed.
"Anything else i need to know about?" Yes! He looked around franatically, looking for a firm point to fix his gaze on.
"Wha-..." Everyone was looking at him, Mr Nolan getting frustrated, Cameleon or whatever his name was, was starting to get impatient and Neil...
"Well speak up Mr Anderson!" Neil looked hopeful. He became his fixed point.
"I-I'd prefer rowing... sir." A confused glace coming from his roomate made him reconsider in less than an instant. It was like he was trying to tell him something.
"It says here you played soccer"
"Well... well i-i did but-" the air necessary to formulate coherent sentences seemingly vainished from his lungs like magic. "I-" he was panicking.
"You'll like soccer here Mr Anderson... Alright boys, dismissed." And just like that it didn't matter anymore whether he wanted to play soccer or not, it wasn't like he didn't just dug a hole for himself, everything felt as if it was a meaningless pattern.
It didn't matter how much freedom he longed for himself, he will always feel trapped in his own body, his own sense of self, alway something stopping him from actually making the difference, always something stopping him from seizing the day to the fullest.
"You really would have rather doing rowing than play soccer with me?" Neil asked with a sad but playful look. Neil had many aspects similar to ones of a dog, those puppy-dog eyes which todd was starting to become fond of, were one of them.
"No, i- really t-that's not-" it was just Neil, he could do it, and if he couldn'the would have to start to eventually.
"Hey calm down, i was just kidding, but i really meant what i said before, about needing to learn to speak up, or else you're gonna get walked over like a welcome mat by everyone but me."
But me?
Todd simply nodded and let himself be guided back to their room by Neil trough the still unfamiliar Hellton halls.
"No need to worry though, if anyone tries anything on you they will have to walk on my dead body first!" Said Neil with a proud smile, what had he done to deserve this, Todd never was a very religius man, however he did thank god for gifting him the company of such a wonderful person.
2.
Feet put on the steep ground.
What was even the reason he followed them? Ah yes, Neil of course! He just felt like he owned it to him in some sort of sick twisted way, like an exchange, Neil let him have a place he felt confortable in, a group of friends, and most of all a constant by his side and Todd followed. Another thing to add to the unbearably long point list of things Neil had in common to a dog was how he was always walking right by his side not a little further ahead or bihind, and Todd had to admit it, it felt Amazing with a capital A.
That, however, didn't make any less unbearable the situation he found himself in: Mr keating kneeling on the ground with a yearbook in one hand and all the boys towering behind him.
"And please burn it, especially my photo" he said as he got up and left with a quick general Goodbye to the group.
Dead Poets Society.
How much he yearned to be part of that group was an information known only to him and his heart.
"Dead Poets Society" said Neil, the cogs in Todd's brain started to work as he slowly realized what was happening in Neil's brain. They might not have know eachother as long as charlie and Neil did, but he started to understand his ways rather quickl finding them utterly similar to his in some sort of way. No way.
"What" charlie asked with a puzzled look followed by the ring of the bell as the aggregation of boys around them started to move towards the main entrance.
"I say we go tonight."
Todd looked at him dumbfounded.
"Tonight?" Asked Cameron "wait a minute"
"Everybody in?"
The question seemed so simple yet so complicated, he wanted to, he wanted to be in, to read poetry, to run his fingers along the crisped edges of the book spine, to watch as Neil poured his heart out to him in the name of poetry. But he really couldn't, could he?
"Where is this cave we're talking about?"
"It's beyond the stream i know where it is"
"That's miles!" Pitts debated
"Sounds boring to me" said Cameron, Boring? If Todd had the chance to be part of it he would take it 10 times over.
"Dont go" Charlie was quick to shut cameron up
"You know how many demerits we're talking?"
"So dont come. Please." They were not the greatest pair... once again Todd found himself smiling stupidly at the idea of Neil actually beeing his roomate.
"Look all im saying is to be careful, we cant get caught"
"No shit, sherlock"
"You boys up there! Hurry up!" Mr Hager screamed from the other end of the courtyard.
Neil turned and with a determinated expression smiled.
"Alright, who's in?" Todd chest deflated a little, under the sun light Neil was really pretty-
"Aw come on Neil, hager's-"
"Forget hager, No! Who's in?" He could feel the need for freedom emanating from his voice, Neil might need that as much as he did, the difference was that Neil was actually everything he wasn't, and-
"I'm in" charlie said with a blooming smile, and did it surprise anyone? No, Charlie would have done anything if it meant that women 'swooned'.
"Im warning you, move!" Hager insisted, for all Todd cared he could shut up.
"Me too." Cameron was an unexpected second, but if he could do it, maybe, just maybe, he could too
And as new conversations started, and everyone left outside headed up to the doors.
Todd was left standining a little further behind.
It was dark, few streams of lunar light filtered trough the room, and todd, like anyone else should have in that ungodly hour of the night, was sleeping "Hey T?" Silence "Todd are you awake...?" Small whispers could be heard from the other side of the room.
"Ghrm...wha- what hour is it?" The newly awaken boy asked
"Oh im sorry, i thought you were awake, didn't mean to bother you, im so sorr-"
"Uhm, no worries, w-why are you awake though?"
"Oh no don't worry about it... we have a test tomorrow, go back to sleep"
"Yeah exactly, we have a test, so you better go to sleep soon... alright?"
And maybe todd wasn't exactly aware of how much that that soft tone could rile up Neil's mind, but he was aware that they did indeed have a test the following day, and he was tired, so, conforted by the sweet sound of silence, Todd closed back his eyes resigned of the fact that maybe Neil didn't want to share his hopes and dreams on a random thursday night to Todd out of them all.
"I'm just worried, about everything, but mostly the meeting... will you be there?" Tods eyes shot back open. Maybe he was wrong.
"I can come?"
Neil's head turned around so quickly most would have missed it, his face looked absolutely confused, almost offended.
"What? Of course you can!"
"Really?"
"Why would you think you couldn't?" Todd could swear Neil's face was so scrunched it would have left lines.
"I.. don't know?"
"So? Are you?"
"am what?"
"...Coming?" It would have been hypocritical not to, but again...
Silence
Was he going or not? It would have been stupid to say no to Neil, he could never bring himself to, but he would have to take turns reading, and he really wasn't too fond of that either...
So he just stayed silent, turned his back on the other side of the bed and pretended to go back to sleep. That night Todd laid awake for another 4 hours before getting up completely, contemplating his world view and why did he find it so hard to say no to Neil, and to find that out he would need much longer than 4 sleepless hours.
3.
Oh goddamit.
It wasn't too long after that night Todd had the realization.
"A midsummer night's dream? What is that?"
"It's a play dummy" Todd wasn't too perplexed by the answer, he knew how unpredictable Neil could be at times, and it was one of the many things that drove him absolutely crazy about him.
"I know that wha-" he wasn't stupid, even if beeing around Neil sometimes made him act like one "what does it have to do with you?"
"They're putting it on at henley hall, Open tryouts!Open tryouts!" Neil said ecxitedly, eyes shining with the newfound passion for life.
"Yes... so..?"
"So?! I'm gonna act! AH YES" Neil jumped on his bed almost tripping on himself while doing so, he threw a long scarf around hin neck to exagerate his movements. Todd was so happy for him, beeing finally able to have the freedom he always deserved was a special sight to witness only reserved for Todd and Todd alone.
"IM GONNA BE AN ACTOR! Ever since i can remeber i wanted to try this! I Even tried to go to summer stock audition last year, but of course my father wouldnt let me...!" Todd had seen that same light start the moment Neil first read the speech for the opening night of the dead poets society, and it only got brighter as the night went along reaching his peak while dancing hand in hand with Todd returning from their midnight trip.
"Now for the first time in my life i know what i'm going to do! And for the first time IM GONNA DO IT! Whether my father wants me to or not! CARPE DIEM!" He seemed so happy it would have been almost impossible to bring him down, but eventually his father would scatter his hopes and dreams and throw them away like paper in a fire. He really didn't wanted to be the one to break the news, but someone had to eventually.
"Neil, Neil hold on, how are you gonna be in a play if your father wont let you?"
"First i gotta get the part THEN i can worry about that." Neil you deserved so much more, nobody needs to live under constant surveillance and fear of either of their parents. Especially Neil.
"Yeah but wont he kill you if he finds out you went to an audition and didn't tell him? "
"No!" Todd shut up.
"Nononono! As far as im concerened he doesn't need to know about any of it" he laughed, that was impossible even for him to belive, Neil, who hasn't been able to get away with ANYTHING in his life before, getting away with skipping school twice a week?
"Neil that's... that's impossible!"
"No shit, nothing's impossible" oh how he wished he had that broken optimisim of his own.
"Well, why don't you just call him and ask him, maybe he will say ye-"
"Now that's a LAUGH." That was true. Oh so true and they both knew that.
"If i dont ask him at least i wont be disobeying him"
"Yeah but if he-"
"JESUS TODD! What side are you on?"
He had fucked up. And royally at that. He was on Neil's side, that wasn't even on the table, the question was, did Neil not know that? Did he just play the part of the dutiful son, the thought of having just done what Jeffery would have done was killing him.
And a few cogs started to turn, again.
He was sorry, so so sorry. He only wished he could say that, but his mounth was laying shut with no signs of opening it anytime soon.
But no it wasn't only the guilt of slowly becoming the worst part of his brother that was killing him, no, it was Neil's face, covered with horror as he instantly regretted yelling at Todd and that hurt way more than expected, he wasnt some doll that you could simply break by yelling at, he knew how to handle himself, yet all the poets seemed not to care about that, alway walking on thin ice everytime he was near.
"I haven't even got the part yet, can i e-even enjoy the idea for a while?" Neil continued, voice slowly breaking.
Todd wished he could take all of it back, he didn't need to be to one to break it to him, maybe charlie could have done it or any of the other boys. But he decided to fuck it all up and for what? A simple idea that Neil had?
Silence.
The silence was a dangerous weapon, Todd was very familiar about knowing how dangerous the sound of silence can be, trying desperatly to fill it with the sound of distorted music.
A faint noise of crumpled paper and a pencil scribling something on paper franatically was all that could be heard for seconds, the only thing breaking the tension was the soft sound of footsteps from the mildly busy halls.
"Are you coming to the meeting tonight?"
This felt like some kind of dejavou exept every emotion was running 20 times higher from every previous experience.
"I don't know... maybe" Todd mumbled throwing away another peace of paper
"Nothing Mr Keating has ever said means shit to you, does it Todd?" Now this was starting to become personal. He always loved the sound of his name coming from Neil's mounth, but this was under a new light. Todd a bit taken aback gave Neil a look of confusion, but he couldn't even afford that, he knew Neil was right, what Todd couldn't explain was how a Boy he met just a few months prior knew him better than his own mother.
"Beeing in the group means beeing stirred up by things" oh, oh. the day he was having nightmares about actually came...
"You look as stirred up as a cesspool!"
"You want me out" i couldn't bear hearing you say it
"No i want you in!" Neil pleaded. Todd body will make sure to remind of this sentence for the rest of his life, he might get it tatooed with an invisible ink on his open heart.
"But beeing in means you gotta do something, not just say you're in!"
Neil was trying to help someone that didn't need saving, how could he not get it?
"Listen Neil, i appreciate this concern, but- but i'm not like you! Alright? You-"
His words were starting to slur a little, but this was the most confident he felt towards anyone before
"-You say things and people listen, i'm, i'm not like that!"
"Dont you think you could be?" What?
"No! I-" ... "-I don't know, but that's not the point! The point is that there's nothing you can do about it, so you can just butt out." Neil even if it was in the unproper situation found the words 'butt out' coming from Todd's mounth incredibly funny.
"I can take care of myself just fine, alright?"
It wasn't like he could fuck up his relationship with his only friend any further than that now.
Neil looked... how did he looked? Offended? Certanly not, maybe a little sad, but what about? he was just stating the obvious.
"No." What?
"What do you mean no?"
Neil grinned, how could he smile after that? "No!"
And THAT ladies and getleman, was the realization striking.
A quick hand, a flash of eyes and they were running and jumping chasing eachother around the room. All of it was so clear, how could he live without understandimg what living meant? Todd felt truly alive.
"We are dreaming of Tomor- POETRY! HAHA I'M BEEING CHASED BY WALT WHITMAN!"
Laugher echoed trough the air like nothing else mattered, it filled a silence that felt so wrong between them.
Todd never noticed how vibrant the colors around him really were before.
4.
Tears threatened to well up in his eyes and spill over his rosy cold bitten cheeks.
He shouldn't have been to winded up about it, it wasn't the first time something like this happened, but it still left a little wound in his heart.
He just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for a while, that was something he hasn't been able to do since he started attending Welton, yet it was something he so desperately needed.
Crying alone in his room felt like a natural first decision, but the chances of getting caught by one of the poets, especially Neil, were far to high. Instead he opted for the passage bridge from the main Welton structure to the dorms and gym.
Another deskset.
It wasn't the deskset in itself that bothered him, oh no, it was the thought that they didn't care enough to check up on what they gifted him the year prior to that, the one before and so on. They hadn't sent even a letter since the start of the school year, the only mail he receaved was an invitation to a celebration of Jeff's newest achievement.
Did he at least reach the 6th pound or did his worth plummeth the moment he got a B in chemestry instead of an A?
"Hey" a quick turn of the head showed him Neil coming towards him, he should have guessed he couldn't escape the grasp Neil had on his every thought even if he tried to.
"Hey" simple and dry. Maybe the shorter the conversation was the sooner he would be left alone to cry out his misery.
"What's going on?"
"Today's my birthday..." Todd always took the stance of someone who didn't care about their birthday, it was just as depressive as any other day, but deep down it still stung whenever not even his brother sent him a birthday card.
"Is today your birthday? Happy birthday!" And of course the first wishes had to come from the boy he was oh so helplessly in love with.
"Thanks...!"
"What'd you get?"
"My parents gave me this" he said as he nudged to his left showing the -still wrapped in plastic- box.
"Is this the same deskset-"
Todd cut him off, he didn't need to be reminded "yeah, yeah... they gave me the same thing as last year" an akward silence filled the air for a few moments too many, why did Neil care so much anyways?
"Oh"
"Oh"
"Maybe they thought you needed a new one"
"Maybe they weren't thinking about anything at all" responded Todd without thinking it trough, Voice breaking with a sour laugher, this was the reason he didn't want anyone around, he was having a bad day and didn't want to make it anyone else's problem, however Neil seemed to have a soft spot saved for him that not even Todd himself could erase with bitter remarks.
"Oh um- the funny thing is that i didn't even like it the first time" he said, a small smile cracking up, whatever Neil was doing was working, it made him feel seen, something new.
"Todd i think you're underestimating the value of this deskset" Neil said carrying his reddened lips and a warm smile that could make souls wonder if heaven was worth it.
"I mean... who would want a football... or a baseball..."
"...Or a car" Todd added, matching Neil's smile if not smiling more.
"Or a car, if they could have a deskset as wonderful as this one" It was moments like these Todd hadn't got a doubt in mind that he loved that man. Hell was worth it for all he cared if it meant loving someone as perfect as Neil. It was moments like these in which Todd was able not to care about god's judgment, because if he couldn't love Neil, then who would? Certanly not his father.
"I mean, if i were to buy a deskset... twice! I'd probably buy this one both times!" Neil finished his rent with chuckle. And how could Todd not laugh at whatever was happening.
"Infact it's shape is... rather... aerodynamic, isn't it?
You can feel it, it wants to fly!" Todd stood up looking over the bridge, it wasn't a hard guess that his notebook by the end of the night would be brimming with poems about this same moment.
"Todd?" His name dripped from his tongue like honey, or a love poem at a midnight meeting with the other poets.
"The world first, unmanned, flying deskset." he said as he tossed at tood the package.
"YEAH!" Todd screamed as he threw the deskset over the bridge, it felt so liberating, as if with it he threw all his doubts, scares and respect towards his parents, and Neil taught him how to do that. He will never be able to thank him enough for everything he did for Todd, for how much he meant to him and for how Neil showed him all that he deserved.
"Well i wouldn't worry about it too much, you'll get another one next year" Todd bursted out laughing at that point, there was no point in holding it in, so there he was, laughing alongside
Neil Perry. And for the first time in his life the thought of a next birthday didn't come with dread and anxiety with meaningless gifts and words, but with a warm reminder of how he was loved.
"Now come on let's head inside and we'll have a proper party! It's freezing out here" said Neil as he offered him his hand. Fucking fuck Todd was down BAD.
"5.98£" Said Todd taking it, Neil didn't respond, instead derected him a puzzled look,
"My father used to call me that," he stopped for a second, was it worth it? He then reached his conclusion the second he felt Neil's hand squeeze his reassuringly.
"He said that if you put all of my atoms and fibers in a jar and sold it, it would have been worth 5.98£" Neil's eyes widened, not only this was one of the first times he heard Todd talk about his personal life, let alone his family, but this also explained a lot about Todd's character.
"What? That's insane Todd!"
"He said the only way to raise my worth would be by studying, but i-"
"Todd." Neil stopped and placed both of his hands on Todd's shoulders keeping him firm.
"I want... no, i NEED you to know how, for me, your worth is priceless, i wouldn't give you away for anything in the world. Todd you are one of the most amazing, sweetest and most talented people i know, and i need you to understand that. Ok?"
Silence
Todd was speachless, he knew Neil and him were close, he never thought Neil cared about him even half as much as he did about their unconventional friendship -which was apparently a great lot- but he did. The increasing amount of blush on the tip of his nose wasn't helping keeping his gratitude hidden, but if Neil noticed he didn't question it.
"I-...Ok."
Todd couldn't tell if he actually saw Neil frown a little when he broke the hug they shortly fell into or if it was just his mind playing the delusional card.
5.
"To live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life"
The opening speech went as smoothly as any other time, this time beeing welcomed with great gestures by Neil. Acting made him only more intresting by the second.
"So... before we start this meeting everyon-" Neil stop as he began to hear quiet giggles echo trough the air and as they got closer and closer Charlie Dalton popped his head trough the opening of the cave.
"Oh my god!" Said Cameron annoyed by once another Charlie-stunt.
Todd gave a quick look to Neil to see if he knew anything about this, but he also looked rather confused.
"Is this it?" Said Girl N1 slowly bringing her head back up.
"Yeah, this is it. Go ahead, go on in! It's my cave! Oh, Watch your step. " Said Dalton as he also emerged trough the light shadows.
Todd doesn't take too long to notice the dozen bottles of beer the girl N2 was carrying, passing an open one around between Charlie and Girl N1 who was poured under the reflectors of school flashlight pointed by Horny Highschool boys. Why did they all had to be so weird about meeting any girl? All exept for Neil who, when todd glanced at him to confirm his thesis, was caught like a deer in headlights already staring at him.
"You guys meet Gloria and... uh-"
"Tina."
"Tina! This is the pledge class of the Dead Poets Society!!" Finished Charlie officially welcoming them into the cave.
Neil was not pleased. He looked rather pissed actually, Todd knew how much Neil cared about this club and how every night that passed he spent it in their room ether rehersing for his upcoming play or searching for poems to bring to their next meeting.
"Hey, how do you do?" Said Pitts offering a quick smile, Neil was not so polite mumbling a quick hello before moving next to Todd to make some space for the new girls.
"Guys, I have an announcement to make. In keeping with the spirit of passionate experimentation of the Dead Poets, I'm giving up the name Charlie Dalton... From now on, call me... Nuwanda!" This was nothing less than hysterical at this point, Charlie clearly intoxicated couldn't expect to just barge in the club after he ditched them for some girls only to then come back a few hours later blatering something about the spirit of the club.
"Nuwanda?" said Neil chuckling a bit, he wasn't sure if he was laughing out of confusion, happiness or just for how rediculous this all sounded.
----------------
As the night went on and on so did the beers which were all passed around and almost finished by the early morning, around 2AM.
They all stopped at some point or another sharing poems and stories and just started chatting about Welton, grades, and in general life, however the tension could still be heavly felt, and as longer and longer minutes of silence streached, the tension only grew up to a point where you could almost slice and serve it up like a cake.
"Don't you guys miss having girls around here? " said Gloria
"That's part of what this club is about. In fact, I'd like to announce I published an article in the school paper, in the name of the Dead Poets. "
"What." A now exasperated, intoxicated Neil could not deal with fuck ups as big as this one right at the moment and -maybe as a sort of cooping mechanisim- looked at Todd who was also wide eyed in shock and layed his head helplessly in the crook of his neck. In any other moment Todd might had just melted on the spot, however the threat of beeing found out and expulsed was enought to make him keep his cool. This, all of it, made his stomach twist and scream, almost throwing up out of anxiety.
Earlier today Neil's dad had called asking about nothing else but his reports and if he had yet found a girlfriend. Not a single question about how he was doing or if things had been going well with his friends was asked. That had done some numbers on the poor boy who was already lacking sleep.
Someone finally spoke, and that someone was Pitts, voicing what Todd guessed they all were thinking "You didn't."
"How did you do that?"
"I'm one of the proofers. I slipped the article in." Of course he did.
"Look, uh, it's, it's over now." Said Meeks getting up and rubbing dirt out of his clothes starting to head towards the opening of the cave.
"Why? Nobody knows who we are!"
"Well, don't you think they're gonna figure out who wrote it? They're gonna come to you and ask to know what the Dead Poets Society is. Charlie, you had no right to do something like that! "
Said Neil throwing his head, angrily, back up.
"It's Nuwanda, Neil." Said Charlie taking another swing at a bottle.
----------------
Once on their way back Todd, who was also fairly tipsy, had to gently hold Neil's shoulder to avoid him tripping on his own steps.
"You are not a talker when you drink huh? Should have been e-expected honestly" Todd remained silent. His incapacity to speak was not something he liked about himself, he honestly wished he could open up to people a little easier, it was more of a defence mechanisim to prevent anything stupid coming out of his mouth like how pretty his roomate looked under the moonlight gently kissed by the shadows of the trees.
"That's alright i can understand you regard- ...rega- anyways..." "you are so stupid, i hope you know that" were the first words Todd spoke since exiting the old indian cave.
"It really bothered me that Charlie did that, im not kidding" Todd nodded
"He knows my fathe- mhm... he knows i'm ga- oOP" Neil tripped on a brench for god's sake.
Silence fell after that. Not too long after they finally reached their dorms miracolously unharmed, put on a Welton hoodie and some pants and went to sleep.
Or at least that's how it should have gone the night after that.
"Do you belive in god?" asked Neil, Todd shifted his side facing the other bed and contemplated answering for a moment too long. Should he actually intraprend this while slowly sobering and getting a headache.
The answer was not so simple, he did belive in god, he also belived that whatever was up there hated him, and that must have been the why he was that way. He always struggled with religion since he was a child raised by nuns.
"It's... complicated i guess"
"Tell me about it"
"Maybe another day" Said Todd offering him a gentle but sweet smile.
"But i wanna hear you talking so that i can fall asleep" what the actual fuck.
"Do you find me boring?" Todd was honestly taken aback, that must have been it, either Todd was boring or Neil was too drunk to know what he was saying, and he didn't know which one was worse.
"What? No! I find that you have a very calming soothing voice to match your very beutiful face!"
Silence
"Goodnight Neil..." And he meant every word that came out of his mind, he really did not want to risk the possibility of letting himself hope, and on top of that he really did wanted to sleep, but the moment Todd heard a soft trembling sigh coming from the other bed he asked himself: was this really worth it? Yes. Yes it was
"I always had a... complicated relationship with God. My mother always pushed religion on me and Jeffery, however as i watched everyone pray on their knees i always felt out of place, like i was invading a place that wasn't meant for me."
This time Todd decided that speaking up about something so marginal to his and Neil's life couldn't bring much harm, if anything Neil would had probably forgot it by the time the sun began to rise. Silence.
"Mhm." Was all he got as a response for a few seconds "I felt the same way, like if god had high expectations of me and i was crushing them by beeing the way i am."
The way i am?
"Neil i dont think you should be sharing this sort of things to me under the influence" what was he ever refering about? the acting business? The way he always was a little different in all the best ways from everyone else?
"Todd, even if i was totally sober i would still be confortable sharing almost everything with you, and i hope the same goes for you." Said Neil with a serius face, eyebrows frowned a little and his lips slightly parted.
"Yes... i'd lov-" Todd bit his tongue just in time "i dont think i'll ever be able to find anyone i care so deeply about as much as you"
A light snore escaped Neil's lips, which left the blond one just standing there, speachless, why would he ever do that? He could only pray to some god that Neil hadn't heard most of it. The thought of flying so close to the sun sent him the goosebumps, it was terrible but it felt so ecxiting at the same time.
+1
It was a little before christmas break, a handfull of hours untill their first day off actually.
9.47PM.
Neil didn't show up to dinner for the second day in a row, which meant that something was really wrong.
After the play Neil was able to persuade his father, with the help of Todd from the other line of the phone, to compromise. He was gonna stop acting, but he would be able to keep attending Welton.
That had stung a little more than initially shown, Todd knew just how much acting meant for him but it didn't make it any less hard to see Neil's eyes shine a little less than the day before.
All of this to say neither of them were looking forward to coming home for the holidays, Neil with having to confront his father, Todd having to confront his feelings, or rather the amplified version of them gave the lack of Neil Perry in his household.
As Todd pushed open the door to their dorm he found himself facing the sight of a curled up in the corner of his bed Neil Perry, gently holding Todd's blue sweater for confort and to dry his tear-stained cheeks.
Todd quickly dropped everything he had at hand -which realistically wasn't a lot- and rushed to Neil's side, maybe conforting people wasn't his best quality, but he was willing to try whatever he needed to understand what was really happening inside Neil's brain.
"Hey, hey, wh- what's wrong dude?" He said as he placed a hand on Neil's back gently rubbling cricles with his thumbs over his shirt.
"I-" his voice was broken by gasps for air making it impossible to think, much less to form a coherent sentence.
"It's simply all too much"
"Wha-" ... "what's too much?" It was a stupid question, really, everything was too much, the bitter coldness of their broken radiator in the middle of december, the stress of all their finals coming up, the lack of sleep due the pile of missing assignemt due the end of the week, and mostly not having a way out anymore.
"This, everything! Welton, my dad, you!" And just like that most of Todd's senses shot up by about 38%, He could have easily guessed all but himself to be on that list and he damned every second of his life for that. Had Todd been so preoccupied about his own feelings for Neil that he forgot to notice if he had hurt Neil in any way?
"Me?"
"Yes," Neil's eyes widened a little further in a state of helpless panic "no, i'm sorry... i'm simply... ngk!"
Another sob escaped his lips, needless to say that broke Todd's little gay heart even more than it already was.
"I feel like you should hate me, but here you are conforting me!" Was he doubting him or simply had such low expectations he was flabergassed by something so little?
"Neil trust me when i say nothing will ever make me hate you, ok?" Todd smiled and Neil just couldn't hold it any longer, he just threw himself in Todd's arms giving him the most felt soul-and-bone-crushing hug Todd had ever receved.
Silence
Silence was all that could be heard coming from their room for the following several minutes, what the passing students didn't know was that if you listened closely enough you could almost hear a sooft low humming and maybe ever so often some incoherent mumbling coming from a Neil who was face deep inside the furr of Todd's jumper.
"Where would you go if you had nowhere left to be?"
The silence was a thin line between the world of the living and the dead, holding around Todd's neck like a rope ready to take his final breath away.
The answer seemed so close yet unreachable, slipping from his fingertips everytime he tried to grasp it.
It wasn't the first time those words crossed his mind, but it was the first time he ever heard anyone voice his lonely thoughts.
Where would Todd go? What did anywhere mean? He was already living in a 'anywhere' his house never really felt like a home to him, Welton was the closest he ever felt to a safe place, but it was still helton, driving most of his students to insanity, so out of all places, why Welton? The answer was clear, as clear as it was since that beinning of october.
"Wherever you are."
Silenece
"And what if-" the air was still, in the figural sense of course. "-If i was nowhere? ...What if i was just gone one day? Would it really make much difference after all?"
He was going to kill Thomas Perry. That was the first thoghts that followed the understanding of the previous words spoken. He could hear both their excuses of a father's words on Neil's lips, the same man that called him 5.98£ was now resonating his insicurites trough his mounth, putting to life the possibility of living his worst fear: a life without Neil Perry.
Todd would have rather kill himself than belive Neil gone.
"Yes! what the fuck!" Todd couldn't cointain the rising voice "Neil you are..." everything. "You are everything to me, you are everyone that will ever truly matter to me ok? I love you! I love you so Fucking much it's unbearable sometimes so dont ever say that again. You are not leaving me here alone ok?
If i had nowhere left to be... it would mean that you're gone, and nothing would even matter anymore at that point. And- and-" a sob shut him up for good before he was able to spill any more water over the stream of careless toughts that were pouring from his mouth.
"You love me?" He what?
"I-" All his previous mistakes seemed like nothing compared to this. Was it even a mistake if it meant that Neil stopped crying?
Todd's brain immediately created a map of their room and where all his most important belongings were. It would have take him roughly 6 minutes to gather everything into a suitcase and leave once and for all. Beeing a homosexual could get him in jail or worse. But not even an arrest threat could compare to the heaviness of Neil's eventual rejection. And finally the silence released it's hold on Todd's neck making him breathe. What was done was done, all he could do now was face the consequences.
"I didn't want to go home becouse i know my father would have found out my lack of intrest towards anyone my father set me up with... but you came along and-" a sigh "And if he did find out i was- he would kill me goddamnit Todd... Todd i-" panic rose back in Neil's voice, the problem was that Todd was unable to form any thoughts. He was frozen, caught as a deer in headlights and he just got ran over by a truckload of informations. Neil was intrested romantically in Todd anderson.
"I can't go back there, please i-"
Todd placed his index finger on top of The brunette's lips gently moving it down towards his chin resting his thumb on his magnificent jawline.
And Todd leaned in placing a gentle peck on the corner of Neil's lips. It wasn't a lot, but it gave them both enough dophamine to last them a lifetime.
His eyes slowley opened and met the other's. His stomach was twisting in all sort of ways, the ghost of Todd's lips still lingered in Neil's mind leaving him wanting more, needing more.
Neil took the lead and ran his fingers trough the back of the blond's hair just to then lean in and kiss Todd as if his life depended on it, biting carefully his bottom lip and deepeining the kiss by the second.
They eventually parted and didn't know if they wanted to laugh or cry. They went for the third unspoken option and kissed again and again and again untill eventually Neil grew too exausted and simply laid his head on the crook of Todd's neck while the other welcomed the embrace. No words on a poem could ever describe what that felt like, too grand for anyone else but them to understand, it was like if all their problems never existed in the first place, all they had was eachother in the fullness of the whole universe. Nothing else mattered, nothing else was worth their care over those sweet moments.
A laugh followed by another broke the evergrowing silence, nothing felt relevant, but in the way in which they were unstoppable if paired, and not lonely like they used to be.
"I used to look in the mirror and see my father in my eyes you know? I used to belive i was made to live his dreams, but when i descovered acting, when i descovered you, i understood what life could be."
"The only thing i'll ever see in your eyes is you." Said Todd barely understading what he himself said, the weight of his words slowly descending over them.
"Let's not." Todd started "Go back i mean... I could never bare to spend these holidays away from you," And Todd was finally able to speak free of any care, he wasn't afraid of Neil going away, leaving him behind, not anymore. This was a moment not even if Jeff tried he could outshine. It was their moment, their own little buble, it was Todd and Neil's. "if you had somewhere to be, where would you go?"
Neil chuckled seeing the irony in the question.
"NewYork" he said after thinking for a few moments "We could buy an appartment, you could write and i could apply for some roles, do what i always wanted to do" Neil smiled with all his teeth showing, Todd would have loved to kiss each one of them.
"Let's go then" It wasn't impossible, they could catch the next bus to NewYork or wait for a little and run away togheter after they saved enough money to afford at least the trip itself. Todd had some connections in NewYork, his Aunt lived there and she always was discarded by his father's side of the family for supporting the left side agenda of politics. They might crash over for a few nights before getting an appartment and a job.
"Todd, i love you so much." Neil Perry loved him.
Confessing might have been the best mistake of his life.
'Happy little accidents' they called them. Happy indeed.
Needless to say when the following meeting came around the other boys teased Todd to death, asking who the special girl was, when he decided to recite a poem written by him that infamous night, that poem ended with:
"[...]Your kiss-swallen lips are something impossible to forget.
I feel as if all my love has been torn from me and gifted to you with a blood-imprinted hand.
I dream of our escape, i dream of a new life with you just like we planned.
I still feel ghost tuches from that evening, my teeth still wet.
And now i hope you understand that it's you,
always and forever will be you"
Too bad the 'special girl' was pouting at charlie for teasing todd about someone he knew wasn't a girl.