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Getting an offer to write for Hermitcraft Live! had been a life-changing offer. Etho knew this, of course.
Hot off the tails of Minecraft’s wildly popular sitcom, Championship, MCC for short, Etho Slab was one of the most sought-after comedy writers. During his writing stint at the show, MCC had been nominated for a whopping 15 Emmy Awards over three years, tripling the number they had received in the first five years of the show’s running. While only about 20% of those nominations had been dedicated to the writers department, they had won all of them, which could not be said for the actors of the show.
(While a kind and wildly entertaining guy, the show’s lead actor, Scott Major, wasn’t likely to win an award for his actual acting any time in the future, in Etho’s humble opinion.)
Not to say that Etho made the show, or anything, but a show doesn’t just change like that overnight.
Waking up the morning after winning his third Emmy for the show, Etho had been greeted with multiple texts from an unknown number:
Unknown: I think you’re brilliant. Please come write for me
Unknown: This is Grian, btw
Unknown: Xelqua. I produce Hermitcraft Live!
Unknown: We spoke last night
Etho looked at his phone, saved Grian’s number, and promptly went back to bed.
Waking up hours later, Etho took in the gravity of what he was being asked.
Why Grian felt the need to identify himself with his show was beyond Etho. Grian’s departure from his own show just two seasons in had made headlines for weeks after it happened. The justification for his leaving, “creative differences among management,” led to frantic conspiring online. Not only had it rocked the show’s production, but it tanked rankings for the seasons following his departure.
Along with Grian leaving the show himself, the new producer, a nameless man Minecraft had pulled from an office somewhere, fired almost the entire original cast, leaving Pearl Moon as the sole survivor of the purging. This, of course, was an idiot idea that resulted in the show being on the brink of cancellation for the past three years.
What intrigued Etho the most, however, was Grian’s use of “produce” instead of “produced.”
Etho Slab: Produce? I think you might be living three years in the past, dude.
Grian Xelqua: I’m getting my show back.
Ah. That makes sense, Etho supposed. If he saw his dream be taken over by a corporate drone and destroyed, he’d want it back as well, regardless of whether he’d chosen to leave it himself or not.
Etho Slab: How’s the pay?
Grian Xelqua: Bad
Grian Xelqua: That’s the worst part, actually. But I need you
Grian Xelqua: I’m going to save my goddamn show even if it kills me.
Etho decided right then, that hazy morning after his third Emmy win, still half asleep and slightly hungover, that he and Grian were going to become great friends.
Etho Slab: When do I start?
-
If getting to write for Championship had been an honor, then writing for Hermitcraft Live! was a dream come true. Yes, there were sleepless nights. Yes, the pay was below par. But Etho wrote whatever he wanted.
He could write a sketch late at night that would make a non-caffeinated Etho blanch, and it would be kept in the table read. He could create something so wacky and so crazy that it would require two actual horses on the set, and Impulse and Skizz would simply cheer him on while telling Xisuma to make some calls.
That’s another thing about HCL! that he loved. The people. Sure, the crew at Championship were nice, and they were all good at their jobs, but the cast and crew of Hermitcraft Live! put a new definition to what a good cast and crew were.
His fellow writers, Impulse, Skizz, and False, and their head writer, Xisuma, were some of the most brilliant people he’d ever met in his entire life. They wrote some of the best things Etho had ever read at the drop of a hat.
False could drop a one-liner at 4 AM on writing night, and it would have to make it into the show. Her snap-quick ability to make anything funny inspired Etho to no end.
Wit seemed to just flow from Impulse and Skizz. They wrote jokes with so many levels, that they needed an elevator. The two played off of each other so well, that Etho wondered if they were actually twins. Their constant ribbing became a comforting background noise during the long nights.
Xisuma, their incredible head writer, was magic. At least, Etho thought so. He handled a pen with such fervor, that Etho was surprised he didn’t break more of them. He could breeze through an entire sketch in a half hour; it was remarkable.
Beyond the writers, the rest of the crew were amazing people and geniuses in their respective roles.
Mumbo, their director, a tall, awkward, and gangly man, turned into a completely different person once behind a camera. He directed the show with a strict precision that the entire cast had to respect.
Grian, of course, was the most stubborn person Etho had ever known. It made him an amazing producer, though. When Grian wanted something for the show, he was going to get it, through hell or high water.
Doc, their social media manager, held the promotional side of the show on his shoulders with grace. Cleo, the head of the show’s costuming department, was a genius with a needle and made sure everyone in the cast always looked as wacky as Etho had imagined them. They quickly became one of his best friends. Jevin and Keralis, props and set departments, respectively, could bring to life the most intricate set pieces in such a short time Etho was sure they were wizards.
The cast was also incredible.
Scar could light up any room he walked into. He had this certain smile that the world had come to associate him with; it gave you no choice but to smile back at him. He handled the spotlight with such ease and confidence that Etho had no choice but to admire him for it.
Joel was a brilliant comedian. He presented himself with an ego the size of a planet, but once you could get past that, he was one of the kindest and most self-aware people you could ever meet. His commitment to a bit could go to extreme levels without ever getting boring (Trust him. Etho had been on the end of one or two) and his ability to insult someone while also making sure they felt loved was a talent Etho respected.
Tango was somebody else Etho quickly grew close with. The former technical director was quick with his wit and lightning fast with dishing back roasts he had received. He was a bit all over the place sometimes, but Etho wouldn’t have him any other way.
Gem and Pearl, when teamed up, could leave him in stitches. Alone they were funny, but together, they were downright hilarious. Joe, of course, could single-handedly keep Etho entertained for hours. Not only was he an especially talented entertainer, but he was also one of the most interesting people Etho had ever had the pleasure of knowing.
And then there was Bdubs. A fellow writer of his, and the anchor of the show’s Weekend Update segment. Etho knew who Bdubs was due to many years of working in an industry together, but they had never had the chance to actually meet.
Getting to work for HCL! changed that.
Upon properly meeting Bdubs for the first time, Etho thought he was loud, a little short, and, as was common with HCL! workers, hilarious. Another thing Etho noted was how easy it would be to get under the other man’s skin. And so, Etho attempted to do so at every chance he got.
Getting to annoy Bdubs was one of the greatest things about taking this job, Etho admitted to himself. Seeing the other get so worked up over the stupidest things honestly made his day. From playing devil’s advocate in an argument about horses of all things to insulting the absolutely absurd ideas he had for sketches, being a right pain in the ass to Bdubs quickly became his favorite pastime.
Yes, it just sounds like bullying, but Bdubs always took the taunting in stride, never being afraid to dish it back, loud and proud. If Etho could be mean, Bdubs could be downright cruel.
Etho wouldn’t trade it for the world.
They quickly grew to be very close friends.
And that’s it.
They were just friends.
End of story.
Until one of Etho’s insults finished landing, and he ended up staring at Bdubs for almost a full minute longer than necessary.
That was it until Etho watched Bdubs play out a particularly dramatic monologue on Weekend Update and could only notice how well the god light shining on him complimented his cheekbones. And his eyes. His chin, also. And just about everything else. The god lighting looked good on Bdubs.
It was the end of the story until Bdubs caught Etho with his mask off and stared at him in such a way that made Etho want to forget any justification and reasoning he had ever had for wearing it if it made Bdubs stare at him like that more often.
Until, in a rare moment of honesty between them, after an extremely late writing night, while they were both waiting for their taxis and the sun was just coming up, illuminating Bdubs’s face in the marigold light, the shorter turned to Etho and told him just how highly he thought of him. How brilliant of a writer he was. How much he enjoyed his company.
Just friends until Etho registered the other’s words, slipped his mask off and kissed Bdubs square on the mouth.
That was it. They were just friends. It was the end of the story. Until it wasn’t.
And Etho was okay with that. Scratch that. Etho was happy with that. Taking that ridiculous job offer from Grian, mere hours after winning an Emmy had given Etho Bdubs.
All the late nights. The pay. The stress. All of it had led Etho to a job he loved, friends he cherished, and, most of all, it led to Bdubs.
Etho would be eternally indebted to Grian.
-
Eventually, after two years of writing at Hermitcraft, he started to appear on camera. At first, he was simply hidden behind props, holding them up and moving them as needed, but it soon turned into more.
It started just as being an extra in the background during a restaurant sketch or sitting next to Tango with his back turned during a bus scene. Then, he got the smallest of speaking parts, usually disguised under his mask and a wild-looking wig.
But soon, Grian dropped a bomb on him.
He wanted Etho to join Bdubs as a co-anchor for Weekend Update.
Etho’s first thought was not: Man, this would be a great promotion! nor was it: My name would get a lot more recognition!
Rather, Etho’s first thought was Oh, this will really tick off Bdubs.
Despite that rather tempting idea of accepting Grian’s offer, it was a hard decision to make. Yes, it would likely come with a substantial pay raise. Yes, it would mean more recognition for himself. But it would also mean being on live television once a week.
It would mean showing his face on TV and baring his face for millions of people to see. Just thinking of it made him sick to his stomach.
When he explained this to Grian, ready to decline his offer, the man simply looked at him and went, “Why can’t you just wear your mask? You wear it all the time already.”
Initially, Etho tried to decline it again, “I would be a staple of the show. What would people think if I didn’t show my face?”
“Who cares what they think? You’re Etho fucking Slab. You have 3 Emmys.”
Etho accepted the offer.
-
“Good evening, everyone! Welcome back to Weekend Update! I’m Etho Slab.”
“And I’m Bdubs Hundred.”
“Here are our top stories tonight!” Etho loved doing Weekend Update. As usual, it turned out to be an amazing opportunity, despite his original reservations.
He was right about the mask thing. There was a sizable amount of backlash over his mask online, but it was combated with just as much support. It threw Etho off at first, but Bdubs gave him a lecture on how to ignore it as soon as he realized how much it was actually affecting Etho.
Another thing Etho was right about was just how much it would annoy Bdubs. He never said anything, but Etho knew it took him a few weeks to get used to sharing the spotlight. There were enough snarky comments here and a few offhand insults there to clue Etho into the other’s displeasure, but a long conversation about it quickly assuaged any worries.
Etho snapped back into the present as he saw his corresponding color written on the cue cards.
“Here’s an off-season one for you guys. A popular Santa tracking app for iPhones malfunctioned recently, releasing a message to all ‘elves’ one month too early." Etho paused a second to allow the audience to take in the fake news before continuing, “The app released a formal apology on X, formerly known as Twitter, promising all elves that they still had a full month before they had to return to work.”
Etho shortly paused once more before continuing, “Minutes later, I heard a yell from down the hallway that sounded suspiciously like Bdubs yelling, ‘I was scared I forgot again!’”
The audience burst into laughter. The longer-winded jokes were some of Etho’s favorites to write, especially when they made fun of Bdubs.
The camera quickly cut to Bdubs sitting on his left, giving his meanest fake glare at the audience, “Don’t encourage him! Don’t laugh; that wasn’t funny!”
It was, of course, very funny to Bdubs, but the man had a reputation to upkeep!
Bdubs quickly turned to Etho, “I hate you.”
Etho mimed indignation as he threw his hands up, “Hate the cards! I’m just reading what the cards say, man.”
The camera cut away again, this time to reveal Wels holding the cue cards next to the camera. He was holding a card that just read, “WTF.”
The audience continued their laughter. Etho loved it when they were able to include the tech personnel in sketches. He loved how it gave an insight into how the show worked behind the scenes.
Wels lifted the card to reveal one under it that read, “I’m not a writer here. You are,” with the “you” underlined multiple times.
The camera cut back to Bdubs rolling his eyes, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” Bdubs grumbled under his breath as Wels revealed the correct cards off-camera.
“A group of scientists in Alaska were working to identify a new species of tree before one of the younger scientists had a breakdown, claiming that she could feel the trees moving whenever she looked away,” Bdubs returned his voice to its normal volume as he set up the next joke, “wasn't this the plot of a Doctor Who episode?”
A picture of Doctor Who’s famous weeping angels appeared on the screen.
While the audience didn’t find that joke as funny as the previous one, it still got a few chuckles.
Etho saw Scar appear in the wings of the stage and remembered one segment they were going to include in the show tonight.
Etho was excited to do it, and he knew Scar was as well. It was an audience favorite, as well as a writer’s favorite.
“With Halloween quickly approaching, many children are in search of the perfect costume this holiday. Here to share his tips for finding the perfect outfit, my least favorite son!”
Scar came sliding to the desk, looking ready to take on the world. The scar across the bridge of his nose was covered up in a heavy layer of foundation, as normal, along with some abnormal cat whiskers drawn on with black eyeliner. On his head sat a headband with fake grey cat ears glued to it.
“Dad! Thank you for having me this fine October evening.”
A smile was bright on Scar’s face. Etho always thought the stage lights complimented his face well. Scar shone on stage. It was hard to imagine him ever belonging anywhere else.
“You say that like I was the one who invited you, son!” Etho laid the fake annoyance on thick, narrowing his eyes and adding a very punchable tone to his voice.
“Oh Dad, you flatter me,” Scar leaned closer to Etho to emphasize his point, “but seriously, I love coming on Update! I love getting to talk to all of the wonderful people out in our audience! At home and in the studio!”
At the shoutout, the studio audience started cheering. Scar stopped talking to nod along and lightly clap with them.
Once they had quieted down, Scar continued his lines, “Growing up your father’s least favorite son can be tough, as we’ve discussed before. Getting to come here and talk to you guys reminds me that I am somebody’s favorite son!”
Etho pretended to look at Scar confusedly, “And who’s that?”
Scar widened the smile on his face and spread his arms as he looked into the camera, “America, of course! I’m America’s favorite son!”
Etho rolled his eyes and looked down at the paper on the desk as the audience applauded. Scar continued to smile at the camera, and he even winked once.
“Now, you said you have some tips for parents out there looking to not disappoint their children this year?” Etho toyed with the pencil that sat on the desk. As he turned towards Scar he dropped his voice back into its normal tone and let his face relax.
Scar pretended to get scared at the interruption and shook himself.
“Yes, indeed! As you can see here, I’m a cat this year,” Scar made a wide gesture towards the headband on his head, “Do you know who chose this costume, Dad?”
“Well, taking a wild guess, was it yo-“
“I picked out my own costume this year!” Scar interrupted Etho, gaining a laugh from the audience, “And that is my first tip to the parents watching tonight.”
Scar looked back towards the camera, and, more importantly, where Wels was holding the cue cards. He had that grin on his face that most people now associated him with. It was a grin that told the audience, yeah, I’m talking to you! This is why you should listen to me.
He could talk the skin off an onion if he really wanted to, Etho thought to himself, and the onion would be happy to comply.
“Let your kids pick their own costumes this year! You may not remember in ten years what they dressed up as for Halloween when they were five, but they will. And in no way is this coming from experience, is it, Dad?”
Scar shot his “father” with a fake glare and a more pointed smile.
Etho pretended to be offended, throwing a hand to his chest, just above his heart, “I resent the implications of that, Son!”
“Dad, when is my birthday?”
“…February…uh…February 1st!”
“It’s August 19th.”
The audience erupted in peals of laughter. Etho looked down at the pencil he was still holding, and pretended to look consideringly at the paper in front of him before frantically scribbling something down.
“Close enough.” Etho shot a knowing smile at the camera.
“No, I actually think that’s about as far away as you can get!” Scar commented, clearing his throat to cover a small laugh.
Etho let out a chuckle in tandem with the audience as Scar composed himself.
“If your kid wants to be Luke Skywalker in that one specific scene in A New Hope just before he goes to destroy the Death Star, then let him!”
“That’s an oddly specific costume idea, Son.”
“Oh, I know it is.”
Etho closed his eyes in fake contemplation, “And why does it sound so familiar…”
A picture of a young Scar in that exact costume appears on the screens facing the audience. The audience burst into applause.
Etho opens his eyes, pretending to see the screen, “Ah. That’ll do it.”
“Like I said, you parents may not remember that costume, but I will!”
“My least favorite son, ladies and gentlemen!”
Etho saw the cue cards signalling the end of the Update segment and began the outro as the audience continued to cheer for Scar.
“For ‘Weekend Update,’ I’m Etho Slab!”
“And I’m Bdubs Hundred! Goodnight!”