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It was two thirty-six AM.
Larry was crying on the doorstep.
"Um." Phoenix said.
"Listen to this, ole pal!" Larry spluttered, and then flung his arms around himself and recited, starry-eyed: "Pheonix: A sweet popular girl who everyone thinks she is a bitch but she really just wants to be loved by everyone." He cast a tender look at Phoenix.
"I'm not a girl, Larry," Phoenix reminded him. "Also, who's calling me a bitch, exactly?"
"She has a lot of friends, and usually has brown eyes." Larry raised his voice, and then his eyebrows meaningfully on that last bit. Phoenix rolled his (currently blue, yes, and nothing was wrong with colored contacts if he felt like them, thanks) eyes.
"She is beautiful and loves music!" Larry exclaimed. "She isn't afraid to speak out and loves to win arguments. If u have a friend named Pheonix then u are... a lucky person..." He choked up, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. Somehow, his pronunciation of 'u' instead of 'you' was very audible.
"...Thanks?" Phoenix said. "Larry, are you drunk?"
"Wow Pheonix is amazing," Larry whispered through his tears, then fell forward against his friend's chest and - did he just blow his nose on Phoenix's pajamas?!
"Hey-!"
"IT'S ALL TRUE, NICK!" Larry sobbed. "That's why I trust in Urban Dictionary, because it's never ever wrong! And when I typed in P-H-E-O-N-I-X I knew-"
".....Larry, that's not how you spell my n-"
"I knew I would only see good things! Which is w-why - which is why this is so hard to tell you, Nick - but I had to call out your name during sex tonight."
"Wait, you did what?!"
Larry smeared his face further into Phoenix's chest, spreading snot and tears all over his shirt. Making a face, the lawyer attempted to shove him off, but his (depressingly, probably totally sober) friend was latched on tight to his lapels, and would not be budged.
"I had to follow the U-Dic, Nick! I have since I was thirteen, I can't turn my back on it now, so earlier tonight when Jennifer stuck her-"
Phoenix abandoned all attempts at getting rid of Larry to frantically stuff his fingers in his own ears. "LALALALAAA," he said, squeezing his eyes shut for good measure, and waited several minutes until the weight clinging to him finally stopped heaving so much.
Carefully, he removed his fingers and cracked his eyes open. Larry was still collapsed against him, eyes shut with tears still leaking out, but his voice was quiet now and he seemed to be nearing the end of his tale.
"...bearskin, I had no choice but to say it! I know it was wrong, but it felt so right! It was Wright, you see? You see, Nick!" Larry opened his eyes and pleaded. "I'm sure everyone all over the world has called out your name for things like that! It can't be anything unusual! Even Edgey's done it, I bet!"
"Oh god, Larry," Phoenix groaned. It occurred to him that he had court in the morning. With Edgeworth.
...who he probably wasn't going to be able to stop thinking about 'calling out his name' for sex things now. Just great.
"Nick, you gotta forgive me!" Larry begged. "B-buddy, please! For this time and all the rest!"
"How often do you say my name during - no, no, don't answer that." Phoenix massaged his temples. "Okay, I forgive you."
It was the fastest way to make this stop, after all. And Larry had already done enough damage with the Edgeworth comment; Phoenix had no desire to let him carry this conversation any further down whatever awful path it was on. He could... tackle this worrying Urban Dictionary thing some other day.
"N-Nick," Larry beamed wetly, finally letting go of his shirt. "I knew you'd understand. You're my number one BBFAE, I bet you'd even bring me chicken nuggets if you were nine months pregnant, whatta pal, you're so- Nick? Hey, Nick!"
"Good night, Larry!" Phoenix yelled through the hastily slammed door, as he retreated through his apartment back in the direction of his bed, stripping off his soiled pajama shirt as he went. "Go home!"
"Love you, buddy!" he could hear Larry yelling faintly as he slid back into bed, and despite everything, he couldn't help the smile that brought on.
...at least until the thought of Edgeworth calling his name during 'so wrong but so right' sex flashed back into his head. Then he quit smiling, groaned, buried his face in his pillow, and determinedly cursed Larry's name until he fell back asleep.