Chapter Text
Killua wakes up in an alleyway.
There’s an irritating throb coming from the back of his skull, but other than that, he doesn’t think he’s hurt. Still, he examines his arms and legs for any injuries. He finds a few bruises over his pale skin—most likely from the fight with that Nen user—but it’s pretty much ignorable. He has no idea where he is, but considering that he’s no longer in that shabby warehouse, he assumes the Nen user had used some kind of teleportation skill?
He pushes himself up and decides to wander around, see if he can identify his exact location and get back to Gon with Godspeed. He can’t believe it’s been two years since they separated at the World Tree, a few weeks since they reunited with each other, and what was the first adventurous thing Gon suggested to do? Oh yeah, go on a supposedly easy mission. Typical Gon, always unable to stay at one place for too long and getting them in trouble.
Not that Killua minds it. Of course, a small part of him had been worried when Gon first brought it up, but then he reminded himself that they’re just fighting some small group of troublemakers—not the Ants—and it wasn’t as if it had only been the two of them sent for this mission. Gon has always been strong even without his Nen too, so he accepted the boy’s suggestion, hoping to seek out some action just like old times. Only for this to happen.
He passes through the street. It’s crowded; he swiftly dodges the few people who almost bump into him. The marketplace and the buildings in the distance are familiar, and it takes only a few more looking around for his brain to connect that this is Yorknew City. Though, the place looks a little... different. He can tell because he went here with Gon last week.
Huh. How come so much has already changed?
His brows furrow as his head turns to different directions, trying to absorb all the obvious changes to the city. When the hell did that building appear? And he’s pretty sure this shop had been a cafe a week ago—
He stops in his tracks when he feels a surge of power in the distance. He turns to the direction where it came from. The source of power isn’t far, just a hundred meters away. With how powerful the aura was, he expects something to explode, but from where he’s standing, he doesn’t see any signs of destruction. Should he check it out? Normally, he wouldn’t risk it, considering the dangers of unknown power. But something about this feels... familiar.
He decides to run over to the area where the power came from. He makes sure that his presence is concealed and that he isn’t standing too near lest he gets caught in the crossfire. The streets here have less people, so it makes it easier to move around without catching too much attention.
There’s a pained groan coming from an alleyway, followed by horrible coughing. Whoever is getting beaten up is clearly outmatched, and Killua doesn’t think he can help out with how seemingly strong the opponent is. But maybe if he gets a good look at the opponent’s face, he can notify the Hunter Association and hope that one of the stronger Hunters would deal with them.
He peers into the alleyway, poking his head from the wall he’s hiding behind.
His blood immediately runs cold.
Because standing there is an image that has haunted his dreams for years. The familiar tanned skin. Giant, muscular figure. Dark, honey-coloured eyes.
It’s not helping that there’s blood splattered on the ground too, and with that same ball of energy gathered in the man’s hand, all Killua can see is Pitou, Pitou, Pitou.
“...Killua?”
Those honey-coloured eyes are on him now. Whatever darkness surrounding the irises are gone, but Killua still feels the hair on his nape stand on end at the attention.
Instantly, images flash in his mind: explosion, shrivelled skin, a frail body.
Blood.
Blood, blood, blood—
Bile climbs up to his throat, and before this Gon lookalike can say anything else, Killua runs out of the alleyway and throws up everything he has eaten today.
➳
With the help of Godspeed, Killua hides somewhere he deems far, far away from that alleyway. Hopefully, the distance is enough to buy him some time to think.
Because, what the fuck?
He doesn’t understand. How is this possible? He wants to believe that what he saw wasn’t real, but it felt real. In fact, this whole world feels awfully real too, like a dream brought to reality. Unless... Maybe that Nen user’s power wasn’t teleportation but bringing nightmares to life? Why else was he seeing that version of Gon in the flesh?
His brain (unhelpfully) supplies another explanation: What if the incident two years ago didn’t happen? The part where he brought Nanika to heal Gon. Or—or what if Nanika’s wish has somehow gone wrong? But it would’ve been too much of a coincidence with his current situation. Killua was fighting that Nen user like—an hour ago. So it has to be that Nen user’s ability.
...Right?
His eyes begin to blur, and he feels that familiar, awful chill creeping all over his arms again. This isn’t the first time he’s feeling this way, and he wants to curse himself for experiencing it now of all times. He doesn’t have the time nor the luxury for this; not when he’s trapped in this unknown territory. Unfortunately, he only feels his breaths coming out shorter, shakier, and he buries his face into his drawn-up knees, rocking himself back and forth in hopes of the feeling to go away.
He’s so deep in his own thoughts, he fails to realise the approaching figure. “Killua?”
At the same time, gentle fingers brush his arm, and Killua doesn’t know whether he’s flinching at the sound or the touch first. Perhaps both. Because crouched right next to him is that—that thing Gon practically sold his life for, and he’s so paralysed with fear, he can only stare at the other with widened eyes, his body locked in its current position.
“Killua... are you okay?”
A noise escapes the back of his own throat. Something sharp pokes one of his knees, and it takes a few seconds for him to realise that it’s his own fingernails. He needs to calm down. No matter how similar those amber eyes are, this is not his Gon. Two years ago, Killua wished for Nanika to heal him. An hour ago, Gon was exactly his age, Nenless, and fighting the Nen user right at his side.
Gon would never end up like this, because Killua had saved him. (He didn’t fail him, he didn’t fail him again.) This is just him going face-to-face with his own nightmare.
Gon—Not Gon—frowns at Killua’s reaction and instantly pulls his hand away, keeping it limp at his side. “Killua, hey. I’m—”
Killua’s body moves before his brain can even think.
He activates Godspeed and makes a run for it. His throat feels all clogged up, and his mind is in shambles, but his reflexes are as sharp as ever, so he lets it take over and carry him to somewhere safe. For now, he doesn’t have a plan. But maybe if he finds a place where he can recharge and shut down his mind for a moment, he’ll be in a better headspace to come up with something.
Sadly, life has other plans, and he nearly chokes on air when he sees Not Gon easily catching up to him. Against Godspeed. It does nothing to his already building anxiety, but he forces himself to just focus ahead, don’t look back, and push himself to go even faster.
He is not going to panic.
He tries to lose Not Gon by swerving through the tall buildings, but no matter how hard he tries, it feels like Not Gon is just getting faster, quickly closing the distance between them.
“Killua!” Not Gon calls, and holy shit, why does his voice sound like it came directly from behind him?
A hand grabs his arm, and instinctively, Killua turns to swing his leg to kick the culprit.
Not Gon dodges with ease, using his other hand to stop the leg aimed at him.
Killua sends a jolt of electricity through the arm Not Gon is holding, but Not Gon immediately releases his hold. Killua jumps back, quickly deactivating Godspeed. If he continues using it, he can probably only last ten minutes of running, and he would be completely drained by the time he needs to fight this Gon.
He needs all the remaining electricity he has left to even survive against him.
“Killua, wait!” Not Gon says, raising his hands placatingly in the air. “You need to calm down! It’s just me!”
Even though hearing Not Gon’s voice is painful, he's right—Killua does need to calm down.
He is not panicking.
Killua snarls at him. “S-shut up! I know this is some kind of trick!” He’s trying to keep himself in an offensive stance, but the black spots that are suddenly gathering around his vision are making it hard. He thinks he’s hardly breathing too, but he’ll get through it. Somehow.
“Killua, please,” Not Gon says, eyes full of concern and hands raised nonthreateningly in the air. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m not!” Killua snaps. “Stop—stop trying to—” He finally feels it. The tremors that seem to have gotten way worse and is now spreading from his arms and down to his legs. His vision blurs again, but he vigorously shakes his head. As if that will keep him from his continuous spiral. “Stop saying my name like—like you’re him.”
“But Killua—”
Killua’s legs choose at this very moment to buckle underneath him. He would’ve fallen face first on the ground—if it wasn’t for the firm hand keeping him upright. It takes him several seconds to register that Not Gon is now standing beside him. Touching him.
“Don’t touch me!” Killua yells, shoving him away. It’s like pushing a brick wall, but at least Not Gon takes pity on him and reluctantly steps back. Killua feels like his head is spinning. His breaths are coming out a little too quickly. “You’re not real. Y-you’re not real…”
“Killua,” Not Gon says, and Killua needs to squeeze his eyes shut at how painfully similar this Gon and his Gon sounded (if he’s willing to overlook the tinge of deepness in his voice). “I know it’s hard to believe—”
“I said, shut up,” Killua chokes out, grabbing the front of his shirt. He really needs to breathe. How much did Alluka say he needs to count again?
“Please, Killua,” Not Gon says, practically begging on his knees now that he’s in a crouching position again. “If you’d just let me—”
“Leave me alone!” Killua all but screams, summoning electricity in his hand to just immobilise Not Gon for one second. One second, and he’ll use whatever he had left of Godspeed to get the fuck out of here.
But Not Gon sees the move coming from a mile away. He grabs his forearm right before it can even so much as twitch. It sends Killua into a full-blown panic—because this Gon is fast (like back then, like back then), and he knows that if he takes him head-on, nothing of him will remain.
The hand around him seems to turn into a vice. Killua only sees the mangled body of Pitou, crushed by those very hands, and all of a sudden, he feels the phantom pain of his own wrist splinter at the hold.
He begins to scream and thrash around, desperate to save himself from Not Gon. His brain floods with images of blood, a crushed body, explosion over and over again. He doesn’t know if his brain is screwing with him when Not Gon seemingly attempts to calm him down, but he reacts on instinct and bites the hand that tries to reach for him.
There’s a faint hiss, and Killua feels his body being released. He takes the opportunity to scramble to his feet, a constant ringing in his ears as he tries to flee.
However, he only manages to take less than five steps, before something hard hits him at the back of his head. His vision tilts, and he feels his body land into a strong pair of arms, his mind quickly losing consciousness.
The last thing he hears is, eerily, his own voice, coming from behind him. “Gon, I left you for like ten minutes. What the hell happened?”
➳
There are whispers coming from somewhere in the distance. But because they’re practically half-shouts, he can mostly make out what they’re saying as he slowly regains consciousness.
“I thought you said it wasn’t that bad!”
“Of course it wasn’t!”
“Then what was that? Your younger self was terrified, Killua!”
“That was me years ago. I was being dramatic.”
“Killua—”
“Not now, Gon.”
Killua lets out a faint groan, placing one hand over his forehead, while his other arm pushes himself up into a sitting position. He’s on someone’s couch—in someone’s home. Before he can start to panic on how he’d ended up here, he sees a complete clone of himself, except maybe a few years older than he is now, walking towards him.
He freezes when a pair of his own blue eyes stare back at him. The gaze he gets is sharp—something familiar—but there’s also a softness around the edges now, as if time has worn them down. Pale arms rest against the edge of the couch, crossed together, only inches away from where Killua is sitting.
“Hey, you’re awake,” his clone greets.
Killua stares at the other in disbelief. He doesn’t realise that he’s holding his own breath when he says, “You’re... me.”
His other self smiles faintly. “Welcome to the future.”
It takes a moment for Killua to fully absorb his words. When it does, his eyes widen in shock. “The future?”
Other Killua hums, nodding.
Killua can feel his jaw dropping as he stares at his other self again. His hair is practically the same as his, just a little longer, with the white strands only growing out into unruly curls. He has always thought that he’ll become at least as muscular as Illumi, but no. The arms over the couch are slender, only toned. However, despite his delicate-like appearance, Killua can immediately tell the difference between their power. Though, the other’s barely noticeable. Muted.
“You’re strong,” Killua comments, breaking the abrupt silence that has fallen between them.
The corner of Older Killua’s lips slowly twitch upwards. “You can tell?”
“If you’re really me, you would know that I’ve been measuring people’s power since I was three,” Killua can’t help but huff, mildly annoyed. “Of course I can tell.”
“True,” Older Killua hums, leaning forward. He looks at him in anticipation, eyes glancing down at himself. “Well? What do you think about yourself in a few years?”
Killua pauses to think. “Amazing... I guess.”
“Glad to hear it. Because you can’t change anything even if you tried,” Older Killua smiles, before it drops almost immediately from his face. His gaze drifts to the side. “Listen, I know this is a lot to take in, but…”
Killua makes the mistake of following his gaze, and he immediately tenses upon seeing Not Gon standing in the kitchen, almost unmoving. His expression is unreadable as he stares at Older Killua, but when he catches Killua looking at him, his face immediately shifts into something softer.
Killua’s hand subconsciously turns into a fist. This... older Killua said that he’s in the future, but if he’s really in the future, then why the hell did his older self allow Gon to end up like that?
“Nice try,” Killua says through gritted teeth, before he moves himself to get up from the couch, leaving as much space as possible between him and his older self. “I’m not falling for this.”
“What?” Older Killua quickly catches up to him, but Killua doesn’t bother looking at him. He only makes sure that his eyes are locked onto Not Gon, preparing for any moves that he might make. “What are you even talking about?”
“This isn’t the future,” Killua says, and he hates how his voice shakes near the end. The suffocating feeling returns to his chest. He tries to rub it away with his hand. “This is just a nightmare. Both of you aren’t real.”
“And why the hell would you assume that?”
“I was fighting a Nen user.” Killua lets out a shuddering breath when he’s hit by a dizzy spell. He needs to get out of here. “I-it has to be his doing.”
“Hold on—can you like, think for a second?” Killua is stopped when a hand grabs his arm. He’s forcefully spun around, and he endures the wave of nausea at the motion. “Logically, would your nightmare be about you becoming stronger?”
“Let go of me,” Killua hisses.
“Killua—” Not Gon begins, slightly alarmed.
Older Killua waves a hand dismissively at Not Gon. His gaze is sharp when he looks at Killua. “I know you’re in denial, but you’ll have to face the facts eventually. We—” he gestures at himself and Not Gon, “—are from the future. You are going to be me, and your current Gon will be him.”
“That’s not true!” Killua yells, trembling. “I would never—” He exhales another shaky breath. “I would’ve never let Gon turn into that thing!”
It was the wrong thing to say. Killua knows it the moment the words tumble out of his mouth. Not Gon’s face goes pale, while Older Killua has his lips pressed into a thin line, his eyes narrowing dangerously at him. It’s ridiculous—to be afraid of himself, if what this older Killua said had been true about him travelling to the future. Yet, Killua feels it in his bones; the imminent danger.
He activates Godspeed and tries to run to the door, but a strong hand yanks his arm, and the next thing he knows, his back is slammed to the wall. He hears something crack; he’s not sure whether it’s his skull or if he’s knocked something over.
Older Killua didn’t even use Godspeed to catch him.
“Killua!” Not Gon exclaims, rushing to grab the Older Killua’s arm. “Stop it!”
“No! Back off, Gon!” Older Killua seethes. Angry blue eyes focus back on Killua. “Listen, you little shit. I don’t care if you’re currently in your pathetic phase, but if you don’t fucking pull yourself together right now, I swear I’m going to punch you until you will.”
“Killua!”
“Take it back,” Older Killua continues, eyes wide with nothing but ire, and Killua feels his nails digging into his shoulders. “Say it! Gon is not a ‘thing’!”
Killua wants to retort. He feels the need to hurt this guy, even if it’s himself. Unfortunately, his lips only end up wobbling. His vision is so blurry, the image of his older self’s face becomes nothing but a mess of white.
“Say it!” Older Killua yells again, shaking him aggressively. “Say it, you fucker—”
“KILLUA!”
The hands over his shoulders are gone, and Killua immediately finds himself sliding to the floor, curling in on himself with his knees drawn to his chest. Vaguely, he thinks he’s hyperventilating, if the lack of air in his lungs is any indication. He tries to inhale, but his body isn’t cooperating.
“Killua? Hey, Killua?” Blurry, amber eyes enter his field of vision. If Killua wasn't spending all of his strength focusing on how to breathe, maybe he would’ve continued panicking and start running away. “Hey, can you breathe with me?”
“Gon, what are you doing?” Older Killua asks flatly, from a distance. “He can handle this himself.”
“Killua, what is wrong with you?” Not Gon nearly cries out. Killua feels a warm hand tentatively touching his back, gently rubbing it up and down. As much as he hates to admit it, the gesture kinda helps. “This is you we’re talking about!”
“If it was me, I wouldn’t have called you a ‘thing’!”
“Killua!” Not Gon shouts, and this time, he sounds really upset. “Oh my god. Can you just— Can you please stop being hateful to yourself for one second?!”
Older Killua stiffens, his eyes widening.
“You need to cool down,” Not Gon says, voice softer this time. “I know you weren’t fine when we first got back together, but I didn’t want to bring it up because you’ll always look so pained whenever I try to.”
Older Killua looks like a deer caught in the headlights. “T-that’s not…”
“It took a long time until you were really okay, Killua,” Not Gon says, his face sorrowful. “So imagine how your younger self feels. Of course he’s going to freak out after seeing me.”
Older Killua’s hands are clenched into tight fists at his sides. Other than that, he remains silent.
“I think... there’s a lot we need to talk about later. Stuff that I should’ve talked to you way before, when we were younger,” Not Gon says gently. “But first, can you give me some time to talk to your younger self alone? Please?”
Older Killua swallows. Hesitates. He looks at Not Gon, as if silently pleading to change his mind, but Not Gon doesn’t waver. Eventually, he nods numbly and disappears into one of the rooms in the apartment.
Not Gon doesn’t say anything as he continues to rub Killua’s back, and Killua feels himself slowly getting air into his lungs, putting his mind only into inhaling and exhaling. It takes a few more minutes to finally feel like he’s not dying, and he relaxes a little, his shoulders slumping.
Not Gon probably thinks that now is a good time to talk, because he’s the one who breaks the silence first. “Killua, I—”
“Why?” Killua whispers, and he instantly regrets even making a noise, because now his eyes are filled to the brim with tears again. He chokes back a sob. “W-why did you leave me? Back t-then?”
Not Gon’s face turns remorseful. “I’m sor—”
“Sorry doesn’t even cut a fraction of it!” Killua shouts, voice cracking. The painful feeling in his chest returns tenfold, and his mind is telling him to shut up, shut up but he can’t. Maybe it’s because he knows that this isn’t his Gon. So, he’s finally letting loose of the emotions he’s been bottling up for so long. “You died on me, Gon! You died on me!”
“...I know,” Not Gon says quietly.
“I had to— You were—” Killua’s body shakes as he weeps. He roughly wipes his hand against his cheek, pushing the tears away. “Do you know how horrible it was? I d-didn’t know if Godspeed could last until I reached a hospital. I had to keep—r-restarting your heart!”
Not Gon lifts his head at that, staring at him in horror.
“You left me,” Killua sobs, grasping his hair, digging his fingers into his scalp. Anything to ground himself. “Y-you fought Pitou. Alone. And then you were dead. I—I couldn’t even do anything to h-help you…”
Killua keens, burying his face into his knees. The pain in his chest keeps growing, and he tugs at his hair even more, nearly ripping off the strands.
A part of him knows that what he said isn’t true. It’s wrong to blame Gon when Killua was the one who left him all alone with Pitou. Maybe if he had stayed by his side, Gon wouldn’t have lost his mind and made that covenant. Maybe if Killua had tried harder, become a better friend, Gon wouldn’t have died.
(In other words: He failed. He failed. He failed.)
He doesn’t deserve to be Gon’s friend.
“I’m sorry—” Killua is cut off when a pair of arms wrap around him.
Killua’s body momentarily goes rigid. He wants to pull away; he doesn’t need this Gon to comfort him, doesn’t deserve it after calling him a ‘thing’. But the pathetic part of him (like Older Killua had called it) craves for any signs of comfort. Because it’s rare for him to usually receive it, and when he does get it because Gon or Alluka was just too perceptive, he melts into it like some hopeless child.
“I’m sorry, Killua,” Not Gon—no, Older Gon says, hugging him close to his chest. He buries his face in Killua’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for making you go through all of that. For making you clean up my mess. For making you feel like you didn’t do anything, even though you’ve already done so much for me.”
Killua exhales a shuddering breath. His cheeks are damp, and his eyes hurt from all the crying. “I was ready to die with you,” he croaks.
“No,” Older Gon immediately says, pulling away to look him in the eye. There’s a horrified expression on his face as he gently holds his shoulders. “I— I would never want you to sacrifice your life. Ever. That’s just— You can’t die, Killua. That is the one thing that I won’t allow to happen.”
Killua doesn’t mention that he had almost died to some Chimera Ants, alone in a cave—if it wasn’t for Ikalgo. “But then you’re willing to leave me,” he whispers.
“No—never again.” The determination in Older Gon’s eyes is everything Killua needs to know that he’s completely serious. “I know—I didn’t make the best choice back at NGL. I felt like Kite’s death was my fault, so it was only fair that I sacrificed my life too.”
Killua sniffs.
“But you gave me a second chance at living, Killua,” Older Gon leans forward, and they touch their foreheads together, forcing him to meet his gaze. Killua finally notes the short spiky hair; different from the long, silky one that floats in the air with the flow of Nen. He has to hold back another choked sob. “So, I made a promise to myself. I’m going to live this life to the fullest—with you, if you’ll let me. I will never throw my life away ever again, not when you were the one who gave it back to me.”
“You... promised,” Killua says slowly, but it comes out more like a question.
“I promise,” Older Gon reassures, lifting his pinky in a familiar gesture.
Killua stares at the appendage for a moment, before he laughs wetly, extending his own pinky. Even after years have seemingly passed for this world, he’s glad that some things about Gon never change.
Truth be told, when he and Gon first reunited after parting from the World Tree, Gon made the exact same promise, telling him that he’s sorry and that he wouldn’t do anything reckless to hurt him like that again. So when he sees this Gon promising again and ‘sealing it with a kiss’, his heart finally feels at ease, his eyes closing.
➳
Killua wakes up to a warm blanket wrapped around him like a cocoon. He blinks, eyes bleary, before he looks around the place. It takes him a few seconds to realise that he’s still in the future. He doesn’t even remember falling asleep, especially on the couch, but he has a feeling that Older Gon has something to do with it.
He smiles, before he moves into a sitting position—only to react with a start when he hears a crunching noise coming from his side. Whipping his head to the direction of the noise, he’s shocked to find his older self sitting on one of the living room seats, a bag of chips in one hand, eyes red-rimmed.
“Thanks for ratting me out,” Older Killua mumbles, throwing another chip into his mouth. “I did not need Gon getting on my ass about how depressed I actually was.”
Killua can’t help but snort. Deserved, he thinks, though he does feel a little bad. Because if it was him, he would never tell Gon about how he truly felt either. It’s just really mortifying—to let people know when he’s being weak. But since this is Older Him they’re talking about, maybe the same thing is going to happen to him now that his future self is experiencing it?
Older Killua places the bag of chips on the coffee table and grabs a tissue. He wipes his hand, before he stands up. Killua watches him warily as he suddenly approaches him. What is this guy trying to do?
“Move,” Older Killua says, making a faint gesture with his head. Killua realises that he only wants to sit on the couch and quickly scoots to the side.
He stiffens when the couch dips under Older Killua’s weight. Subconsciously, he grabs the thick blanket still pooled around him. He has mixed feelings about his older self. On one hand, he’s aware that this will be him in a few years. On the other hand, he doesn’t think his older self will hesitate to beat him for ruining things between him and his Gon.
To his surprise, Older Killua spreads his arms, looking at him with a deadpan expression. “Come here.”
Killua eyes him sceptically. “Is that supposed to be an invitation or a threat?”
“What does it look like?”
“...Like you’re about to suffocate me.”
Older Killua frowns, before his facial expression turns blank. All of a sudden, he twitches his lips into what seems to be a very forced smile. “Better?”
Killua wants to roll his eyes, but a small voice in his head reminds him what his older self is capable of, so he doesn’t. Still, that’s not enough to keep the sass out of his voice when he mumbles, “Might as well you don’t even try—”
Older Killua doesn’t wait and embraces him, squishing him inside his arms and forcing him to bury his face in his chest. Again, the speed his older self has gained is terrifying, and for a split second, Killua thinks his older self actually intends to smother him to death. But then he remembers to breathe and—oh, the hug is not so bad. A little bone-crushing, but that’s probably because his older self has become stronger, like the other Gon. Though, unlike Older Gon, who was careful during his embrace, his older self probably must’ve forgotten all about his strength.
It’s nice, he thinks. Maybe it’s weird that he’s being comforted by himself, but he has never liked his own self, so... this makes it bearable.
When Killua starts to really feel like he’s about to suffocate, he wiggles his hand free from the other’s hold and pats his back. Older Killua finally releases him, his expression rueful.
“Sorry, for earlier,” Older Killua sighs, staring down at his own hands. “Gon already blamed himself a lot when we first separated back at the World Tree, so when you brought it up again, I got mad.”
Killua had a feeling—wait. Back at the World Tree? “Why would he blame himself?” he asks, brows creasing. “He apologised already back then, and I told him that he was long forgiven—as long as he doesn’t pull any of that again.”
“You know how Gon is,” Older Killua says, and the smile he gives to him is faint. “He thinks he was the reason why we had to separate.”
“What?” Killua’s jaw drops. If anything, Killua feels like he’s the reason why they had to leave each other. “I had to take care of Alluka—”
“Oh, come on.” Older Killua stares at him, hard. “You and I both know that was not the whole reason why we had to separate. All three of us could’ve met Ging.”
Killua doesn’t want to remember that day, if he’s being honest. He’s happy that Gon is here now with him (before all of this time-travelling thing happened). But now that he’s forced to face his memories, he knows those few days before the World Tree had been quite an emotional rollercoaster. Because he hadn’t wanted to leave Gon’s side, but... a lot really happened back then. Remembering that he abandoned his sisters in that basement, his fight with Illumi, and bringing Gon back to life...
Bringing Gon back to life. Because he failed to stop him from climbing onto his deathbed.
“Our failure made us think we didn’t deserve to stay by his side any longer,” Older Killua says softly, knowingly. “So, we left.”
Killua swallows and nods. It’s the real reason why they separated. Or, why Killua had to leave Gon.
“And Gon thought him pushing us away had been the cause of it.”
Killua can’t help but pinch the bridge of his nose. Gon, always blaming himself when it’s not even his fault. Killua makes a mental note to talk to his Gon, if he ever notices him feeling guilty about their separation. “That idiot,” he breathes out. “I already said I don’t care about that anymore. He was in a bad mental spot, I get it.”
“Exactly. Sure, I still wanted to punch him in the afterlife for dying on me, but the whole ‘pushing away’ was not the reason why we left him.”
Killua nods vigorously. Something about discussing his feelings out loud makes him feel lighter. The best part is that he doesn’t even need to worry, because he’s talking about this to himself. “I still remember giving him a good smack for what he said though,” he says, chuckling, only to realise that his older self might not remember—since he does look kinda old. Maybe ten years older than he is now? “Wait, do you even remember the thing he said while Pitou was healing that girl?”
Older Killua’s lips break into a knowing smirk. “How can I forget?” he says, and all of a sudden, his facial expression turns serious, his voice purposefully deep when he adds, “You have it easy, Killua.”
“...Since it means nothing to you,” they continue together in perfect sync, before they burst into a fit of laughter.
“God, you have no idea how depressed that made me!” Killua exclaims, flicking a tear away from the corner of his eye.
“You tell me!” Older Killua guffaws. “I remembered trying so hard not to cry while moving around the palace. That shit hurt.”
“Dude, we cried in front of Palm, remember?”
“Fuck, you’re right. That was horrible.” Older Killua buries his face in his hands, completely mortified, before he massages his forehead. “Imagine, out of everyone in our team, it was Palm seeing us have a breakdo—”
Older Killua lets out something akin to a shriek and nearly falls off the couch. Meanwhile, Killua flicks his gaze, wondering what the hell has gotten him to react like that, only to have his entire body freeze.
He has no idea how they both completely missed it. They probably had been too engrossed in their conversation to realise that Older Gon is standing near the kitchen with several plastic bags in each hand. But what makes them both horrified are the rounded eyes Older Gon is giving, all glistening and watery.
“G-Gon!” Older Killua exclaims, throwing a glance at the clock on the wall. He looks back at Older Gon, before he pushes himself off the couch. “We didn’t realise— You’d said you would be back in a few—”
Older Gon sniffles. The tears start spilling from his eyes.
“Oh... shit. No, no, no—please—” Older Killua is panicking as he rushes to him. His arms wave around uselessly in the air. “Gon, it’s not—”
“I-I’m sorry, Kil—both Killuas!” Older Gon wails, before he drops the plastic bags and runs straight to the bedroom.
“Gon, wait—!” Older Killua winces when he hears the door slammed shut. He looks back at Killua, expression frantic. “I— Oh god. Hold on, let me just—” He scrubs a hand over his face, groaning. “I need to talk to him—”
Killua genuinely feels bad as he watches his other self hastily leave. He didn’t mean for Older Gon to hear that bit. He wants to go and comfort the man, like how he did to him, but something in him tells him to let the older version of himself handle it first.
So, he stays put on the couch. Staring at the ceiling while he thinks of an apology.