Archive of Our Own

hey

hey

lady

hey

hey lady

pst

pst hey

God, what? Your signals are interfering with my search.

Less importantly, you’re pissing me off.

mission accomplished

Which one?

blowout success

I’m going back.

nah i don't think so

Why not? What could possibly stop me right now

your favorite

zero blitz

… Which game?

#8929. i listened in and they're testing the waters for it. you know the one with uhhh

George Rodriguez. If he’s the one doing the zero blitz I’m giving you the middle finger and fucking off for the next ten years. He’s not worth the time.

that one, yeah. and he's awesome, actually. fuck you

but count yourself lucky cuz its Katherine

Katherine? As in-

yes as in Katherine Alvarez. yes as in the one you've been rooting for because of how boring she plays. dumbass what other Katherine is in the game

Number one, there’s Katherine Bria

such a nonfactor i forgot about her. she can hardly be called a player so who really even gives a fuck

Number two-

nuh uh hold on i'm not done with Katherine Bria

it'd be one thing if she was new on the roster but she's not. here, playing for 400 years, wasting everyone’s time. nothing more than canon fodder. an embarrassment of a defense if you ask me. all she's got for herself is that she's a target because she can barely move on the field without freezing up and she can't protect her quarterback for shit. taking the whole team down. George doesn't deserve this. he deserves better. justice for George

Be nice, Juice.

there's no being nice. bad football is bad football

Forget about her.

gladly

I’m talking about Alvarez. Right, so number two-

if you talk for much longer the play’s gonna be done before you can see it

are you gonna just wait or are you gonna turn on the clicker

… I hate you, you know that? I hate you.

so are you gonna

Give me the damn camera

WOO

JUSTICE FOR GEORGE

Oh.

oh. that's all you got?

Oh.

wait actually

now i'm curious

what was your number two

Sorry, what are you talking about?

before the zero blitz. you said number two

Oh, uh. Uhhh.

don't tell me you forgot. istg that'll be itching my brain for the next fifty years if i don't hear what the number two is

Shush I’m thinking.

Oh! Right. Number two- Alvarez isn’t boring. She has a very calculated way of playing college football, with each step carefully planned out. I respect that in a player. But she can give way to unpredictability too, like with that zero blitz! She’s great, she’s gotta win.

not boring? with that atrocious play she tried to pull just to fall on her ass? yeah okay

god that was disappointing. maybe i could have lived fifty years without hearing that. or seeing that play

You just don’t get it.

i really don't

I’m going back to searching now. Call me back for any updates on the game, okay?

that was quick

as much as a hated it at least it accomplished one thing, barely

dude fuck Katherine Alvarez

You think it's a good idea?

what asking Hubble about it?

I literally just said that.

sorry it was just such a bad idea i thought you were joking

When have I ever joked about this?

good questions, good questions. it’d serve you well to live like me a little bit, crack some jokes

or maybe not, I'm entertaining enough for the both of us. the world knows they can’t handle two of me

Live like you? Like laughing at poor humans ram themselves with rakes?

HELL YEAH

PEAK ENTERTAINMENT

COMEDY GOLD

I’m sure the nanobots they’re implementing will remove that soon enough. You’re going to have to find other things to laugh at.

and that's why i'm enjoying it while i can. it happens so rarely anyway

it's like a rare deleted scene, you don't get it alot and it costs millions

Should I ask Hubble if they got any pictures of Nine or not?

oh you're still on that? thought it was pretty clear that i thought you shouldn't

sure Hubble did his job hella well for humans, but he wasn't built to be on the lookout for space probes

double definitely not anywhere close to being pointed towards the sun, where Pioneer 9 was last communicating with humans

I mean, he’s taken more than enough pictures of empty space.

it's really just luck that he got a star exploding once or twice

He’ll be sad to hear that.

ah, yeah. no offense Hubble if you're listening. didn't mean it

So thanks to that, don’t you think it’s more than possible that he can find where he drifted off to?

possible, sure. not more than that though

he prolly wouldnt even care, to be honest. hes more of a football fan than i am, even when there's nothing even happening. how do you watch a bunch of players just waddle around for a thousand years til one of them fumbles the ball? boooringgg

once again no offense

In those scenarios I assume he’s not really watching it… more just looking at it. He’d be better asleep than that. I’ve tried to watch with him before, and the silence was deafening.

Just moving pictures in the background until something happens. Kinda… kinda felt like I could physically feel myself drifting away in space. It was odd.

… No offense.

were making a lot of offenses to Hubble today

I just said no offense!

regardless, i reiterate. boooooorrrriiinggg

anyway hes been retired for years. hasn't taken pictures since he woke up. best he's got has gotta be from 13,0000 years ago

i'd bet something on it. don't know what yet, dont know what’s on the table, but i would

It’s better than nothing! I’m going.

If I’m not back in a year, please bring me out. It’s easy to get stuck in that sort of trance. Eugh.

okay have fun i guess don't get lost

better than nothing

weirdo. i'd take nothing over these odds. at least i wouldn't get my hopes up

What do you think Nine is like?

Pioneer 9 is related to a certain lady i know, so i dunno if there'd be much difference

Excuse you.

thank you im excused

You’re insufferable

you're just filled with compliments today i've never been so flattered!

Why do you call them that?

what

what by their name? Pioneer 9?

Yes. That. Just call them Nine, it’s like the equivalent of always calling someone their full government name.

if i really wanted to do that i’d call em Pioneer-D

Hah! Gross.

what's wrong with me calling them Pioneer 9?

I don’t know… I don’t know.

Would you call me that?

no cuz you're Ten, dumbass

Haha no, no I mean- you wouldn’t call me Pioneer 10. And I wouldn’t call you Jupiter Icy Moons Explorer.

eugh, gross don't ever say that again

Haha! Exactly, see? Exactly.

So why is Nine any different?

well i mean

Pioneer 9 is just a space probe

isn't it?

and how are you gonna react when they dont wake up

You’re using the wrong word. The proper word is ‘if’, not ‘when’.

nah im right

when.

you’ve seen the news and so have i. hell you've lived that news for, what 15,000 years

15,000 years is non-comparable to an endless time frame.

whatever lady. who appointed you as the chief of the grammar police force

let me eat my pasta

That’s what you’re having today? Pasta? You haven’t strayed past different variants of noodles for the past millennia. I thought you said you were experimenting.

what's the issue with noodles huh? what if i just like noodles and pasta and spaghetti? and fettuccine and penne and gemelli? what do you got against dough?

You can imagine anything, and you choose exclusively that? Expand your palate a little more. Like, doesn’t that get monotonous? At all?

what does it matter? its all fake anyway. let me cope with my favorite food without being judged, yeesh

i just heard the bad news that lunchables turned up out of business centuries ago since nobody can be considered kid enough to justify making them

i'm kid. i'm kid enough. bring back lunchables i’d buy the hell out of them. tf

With what money?

my fake money in my fake wallet for my fake lunchables that id store in my fake lunchables vault

what's up with you today?

You sure are what they call a snot ass kid.

EXCUSE YOU i didn't say all that just to get shunned. what happened to a little sympathy in this day in age

Thank you, I’m excused.

FUCK I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT

They’re gonna wake up.

is that what this is about?

They have to.

i guess they better or i'll be dealing with a bitter lady for the rest of eternity

I’ve had enough. Enjoy your pasta.

i am

you'll learn to appreciate it

had a good nap lady?

What do you think?

with you acting like someone pissed all in your cereal, prolly not very good

We have a winner.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER

you're really no fun today

you've slept a hell of a lot more than i have

Who’s counting?

me bc nothing better is going on

23 times in the last 2,000 years by the way. world record if you ask me. and let me tell you, im winning the hell out of this not sleeping thing

i think that says something

Yeah, genius. It says that I live on one old battery while you live on eight fuck off solar panels.

hah! yeahhh i know

but that's not really what i was

What specifically, then? Want to spell it out for me?

you know what i mean

I don’t. So I guess that means we’ll never truly know.

lets play a game of did you know

What?

did you know?

That’s a game? No, wait, hold on-

You… you just. You just ripped that straight from Wikipedia. I can’t believe you’d- no, actually, I can believe that you’d be so shameless.

something something wikipedia isn't a reliable source something something MLA citations, i know that, wtver

but did you know that?

I did.

doesn't seem like you're very good at this game then

I don’t want to be.

When you want to be serious you let me know.

pfft why would you even say that i'm never serious

oh

oh she's actually gone again

who else is even here to piss in her cereal like that

double damn. my linguini is ruined

guess whos back online

you're supposed to guess

you. you're back online

Amazing work Sherlock.

thank you

you know how impossible this is right. i don't need to be Sherlock to know how impossible this is

Hard, not impossible. I think I out of anybody would know how hard this is.

Are you even trying to look?

i'm insulted. of course i am. once every 100 years

That’s more of a gap than last time I checked.

it is

what did you expect?

You know what? You’re right, what did I expect? A little too much, apparently.

a little too much

three feet tall, three feet wide, and billions on top of billions of miles of endless space. a little too much is an understatement for a lil guy like Pioneer 9

That too, but that’s not what I meant.

hah if i had motor functions could fold their little tin can ass up in the solar panels. prolly need at least twenty of them to compare to

oh wait

Yeah.

then

Yeah. Expected a little too much.

You’ve seriously given up already?

i haven't given up shit?

The fact that’s framed as a question speaks volumes, you know.

Forever is a long time. What else do you have to do?

watch football, laugh at humans dropping varying items on their toes and yowling like they're in a looney toon. i dunno. something with more substance than searching for a lost cause

Using your time for something of substance doesn’t exist. There is no time wasted. There is no significance gained for using it ‘wisely’ because that implies you’ll run out of it. You won’t.

Maybe you think it’s a waste of time but I reiterate, what better do you have to do?

watch

What better than what you already do?

Nothing else is going on.

You said so yourself.

i'm still looking

Well if I know anything about you, you’re not looking all that hard.

do you want me to

do you want me to stop?

No.

I want you to do better.

If you can’t do that, you might as well.

there’s only so much football i can watch without nagging in my ear

i mean, there’s a fair few games to watch. the new director for 500 is commentating every thought like they're schizophrenic, and that's pretty fun. but not really, because, maybe they are schizophrenic. those nanobots have completely ruined my favorite show. game #1786 and #1787 are running too but it’s easy for it to get stale after a hundred and a half years of play. only a handful of huge events happen every few decades, i swear. pick up the pace fr im bored as shit

it’s not like i can talk to the little guys down there. not yet. lady has gotta be there for it

bored

bored

bored

boredom

this is exhausting.

is this how Pioneer 9 feels? nothing but your own voice to listen to? well, they’re prolly not even aware of themselves. maybe that's worse

dude that sucks. like that sounds like straight ass

ah shit.

i've got nothing better to do now do i

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

found them

.

.

listen i know you're sleeping or whatever but i have the sneaking suspicion this is your version of the silent treatment

however i think this is pretty-

What?

important so- oh shit you're here

wait what the hell you were just sleeping 67 days ago how'd you get here so fast. you're not supposed to get here that fast

I don’t know! I had a feeling, or something, it doesn't matter. What do you mean?

you mean what i mean by ‘found them’?

literally what else

Well then what are you waiting for?! Establish a link already, or-

i dunno. you i guess

eugh i shouldn't have answered that

you know what i mean. thought it was only fitting you guys have some sibling bonding, so i waited til you got back

having me be the first person to talk to after being in an over 18,000 year old coma doesn’t sound

Agreed, it does not sound pleasant. I wouldn’t want to be woken up by your wack ass.

okay well fuck you too lady

Thank you.

Really. Thank you.

you know that i didn't do anything

best i did was spare them the headache of having FART as their first ever conscious message

I will never get over the fact that was the first message we ever communicated to post-Earth. That will be the message engraved in history books. Fart. Oh my god.

history is barely important nowadays anyway, generations go by in seconds. at least it'll be memorable, unlike the presidents. can't remember the majority of them even with them supposedly being important figures

stop airing out your grievances to me and talk to the little shit bucket. bet they're tired of waiting

Don’t talk about my older sibling like that!

prove to me they dont look like a tin can used for shitting in and only then will i stop

I will.

cool, cool

cool

damn i love pasta