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“Jayce will understand”
It’s what Viktor had told Singed, when he had caved and sought the old mentor out for help. For shimmer. And it was what Viktor had repeated to himself, as he carved runes deep into his rotting flesh.
Viktor had always feared death. Seeing the blood of his parents gush down the gutter as the life drained from their eyes might do that to an 8 year old.
But, one would suspect being constantly reminded of his mortality and the expected short length of it would have made it easier for him to come to terms with it.
But a fear of heights doesn’t go away when on a tightrope.
Over time Viktor’s dread of dying took over his rational thinking. His body eroded alongside his morals. The want to be painless and the ever stronger need to live worked hand in hand to break down the mountain of initiative and ethics Viktor had built despite his Undercity roots.
His strong-willed mind had become no more durable than his dying body.
Because each fit of achingly sharp coughs had hacked up blood and resilience.
His mind had turned to fight or flight, and Viktor had never had the luxury of running.
So Viktor clenched his jaw as blood trickled down his thighs and squinted his eyes against the light beaming from the hexcore as he reached out to touch it. Because he didn’t want to die. And he was willing to do the worst to prevent it.
But then Sky died.
Suddenly self-preservation became self-loathing. Admiration and intrigue for the hexcore became horror. The fear of death became an all consuming crave for it. And Viktor’s fought-for future became one step and a long drop off an aqueduct.
Viktor’s breaths came in deep but shaky. His hand clenched and flexed its grip on the crutch handle. For perhaps the first time in his life, his thoughts were blissfully quiet. Silent resignation that this was the best thing to do. He couldn’t allow the hexcore to live within him. He wasn’t able to live with himself either. Bile rose in his throat each time the image of Sky’s desperate face dissolved in shreds found its way into his mind. Guilt suffocated his every thought and movement. But now it was silent. Because this was the right thing. Viktor was doing the good thing by shuffling closer to the edge. Because in his pursuit for greatness, he had failed to do good.
Now was his chance.
He took another small shuffle towards the lip of the ledge. Eyes squeezing shut. Grip on his crutch loosening.
Deep breath in.
Mind quiet.
Resigned.
Ready.
“Am I inter-“
“Don’t.” Viktor didn’t even flinch when Jayce’s voice rang out. He had suspected this might happen. That Jayce might find him the same way Viktor had found Jayce.
Of course Viktor would have preferred to take that final step without directly traumatising Jayce, but that wasn’t enough to lessen his determination. He was finally going to do something right. After all the wrong he had done with the shimmer and hexcore…and Sky. He had to do this.
Viktor caught movement out of the corner of his eye.
“Stop,” said Viktor, quietly and resolutely. The figure that had tried to slowly approach halted.
“Viktor…” Jayce’s voice was soft but distinctly fearful in the way it wavered. Although he didn’t make any attempts at moving closer, Viktor could tell Jayce was organizing his thoughts to find the right words to say to him. To try and get him back from the ledge his toes were still overhanging. Viktor worried that if he let Jayce speak he might actually get through to him.
So before he lost his nerve, Viktor let his crutch slip from his hold, fell forward and finally, finally, let himself be weightless. Free from the weight of guilt that settled heaving in his gut. Free from the weight of responsibilities that sat achingly on his shoulders. Free from the gravity that crushed the weight of his own fragile body in on itself.
Free.
Weightless.
Falling.
Content.
Whiplash.
A hand gripped like a vice around Viktor’s forearm. His body jolted in rebound slightly as Jayce’s hold on him stilled his descent. The soft buzz of ignorant bliss that had been ringing through Viktor’s head snapped to a headache inducing cacophony of thoughts in time with the snap sensation in his shoulder from popping out awkwardly under the sudden weight of his body.
Viktor’s brain burned with every suppressed emotion he had been prepared to die ignoring. Tidal waves of nauseating guilt and shame hit him like a tsunami. Gut-wrenching sadness carved a void deep into his very soul. But in that instant, it was anger that boiled hot like lava and erupted like a volcano as he shot his head up to look at Jayce.
“LET GO!” Viktor all but screeched, voice cracked and throat dry. Jayce laid on the edge with his upper chest overhanging the ledge. One hand clenched on the edge of the stone and his other clinging to Viktor strong enough to bruise. Like if he let go Viktor might disappear completely.
But that wasn’t really metaphorical was it?
Scowl set deep in his face, Jayce ground out words through his teeth. “Fuck you Viktor.” Viktor couldn’t help but blink momentarily in shock.
“Fuck me-? What did I- Let go Jayce,” he didn’t raise his voice this time, only let as much venom as his exhausted body could conjure up seep into his words.
“No.” Jayce’s tone was flat and determined as he began to heave Viktor up. Viktor immediately began flailing in his hold, desperately trying to claw at Jayce’s hand with his free arm, however, unable to find any purchase.
“Stop! I’m serious Jayce!” His head was above ledge level now. “Stop, I need to do this!” He grabbed at the lip of it with his free hand and tried desperately to push himself away from Jayce and back towards what was meant to be a long drop and swift ending. But it was fruitless trying to pull away from Jayce. Once his upper body was beginning to be dragged over the stone Viktor changed tactics and once again scratched and clawed at Jayce’s fingers still clasped to his arm.
Still silent, Jayce simply yanked Viktor a final bit more, the momentum of the tug sending Jayce on his back with Viktor in tow. He let go for less than a second before immediately throwing both arms around him, holding him flush on top of him and pinning Viktors‘s own arms against himself.
“Jayce I need to- Just let me- Please-“ Viktor continued to thrash around as Jayce rolled over to put his body between him and the drop off. Viktor kicked at him with his good leg, anger twisted into pleas.
“Please! Please stop it!” His voice was betraying him as it went scratchy and cracked, wobbling slightly as tears Viktor hadn’t even noticed welling started to spill. Jayce curled tighter around him, tucking Viktor’s head under his chin as he began to shush soothingly into the space between Viktor’s cries. His protests began to dissipate alongside his energy and resoluteness. His resolve was dwindling down to nothing as his limbs fell heavy with fatigue, only able to throw half-hearted one-legged kicks and attempts at squirming against Jayce’s steady hold.
“Please just- please… please…” Viktor was unsure if the last cry had even audibly left his lips, let alone made it to Jayce’s ears. Continuing his soft shushing Jayce moved to plant a peck onto the top of his head, and Viktor finally snapped. He went limp, like a puppet with its strings cut, a bird with its wings clipped. His only movement being his fingers moving to curl into the fabric of Jayce’s shirt, and his chest shaking as sobs racked through his body.
Jayce moved to stroke one hand up and down Viktor’s back rhythmically. Murmuring gentle reassurance into his partner’s hair where his face was buried into.
They stayed like that for somewhere between seconds and decades. Viktor heaving out tears pent up from before he arrived in Piltover, and Jayce muttering calmingly as he held Viktor close, not once loosening his arms.
“It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re okay,” whispered over and over again. Breaths evening out until their chests fell into tandem rise and fall. Heartbeats settling but still fast and erratic.
- - - - -
Jayce clutched at the back of Viktor's neck, holding him close and burying his nose deeper into his hair as he felt Viktor's chest rise and fall in shaky breaths against his own. The sound was wet with tears still being shed and stifled through Viktor's clenched teeth. The scratches along Jayce's arm burned like fire and his throat hurt from the barely restrained words. Shock and sadness roiled in his mind, so palpable he could barely think. He was focused entirely on the weight laying on his body, being consumed by hateful, rattling sobs.
Viktor had wanted to die so badly he had turned into a seething, cornered animal that clawed and tugged at the very arms drawing him to life. The pure abhorrence in his stare had shorn straight through Jayce and; admittedly, broken a part of his heart. Both that Viktor was capable of such hatred for him and the fact that he had been driven to it by such pain he deemed death the better alternative.
Jayce knew the hopelessness that sparked that desire- but Viktor's case was likely that of a man who had calculated this, a terrible benefit vs cost, pro vs con analysis that left his life a bleak series of experiences quantified into a hellish punishment. Jayce tucked his partner's head closer still at the thought, misery seeping to him like a dark, sapping liquid that coiled snakelike in his stomach as if Viktor's emotions were communicated through touch. He felt his heart breaking more with every shivering inhale of the man so close to him.
Jayce’s lingering instinct to soothe was quiet, low hummings paired with the movement of his fingers carding through Viktor's sharp hair and another hand rubbing his back rhythmically.
Finally, he felt Viktor inhaling to speak. His voice was worn and quiet, completely lost, as if he didn’t even know if he would be heard at all, but still quivering with anger. “You ass. I'm already a dead man, if you couldn’t tell. It’s kinder to just let me go.” Jayce swallowed as he rolled the words over in his mind.
He settled on the answer he knew was true, murmuring it in return. “Viktor, I would never do that.”
He felt a sputtered exhale against his neck and a few of Viktor’s fingers shifting over his shirt as he continued in the same low tone “I’m so tired, Jayce. I’ve tried to prolong my life out of fear but natural law doesn’t like to be broken. I can’t- keep going. This has always been what’s meant for me. No amount of time I spend within the walls of Piltover will change who I am. I’m from the undercity, it’s only to be expected that this disease will either kill me or I kill myself first.”
Jayce’s mouth opened in surprise, even as he tried to keep running soft patterns against Viktor’s back. “The undercity doesn’t define you, Vikt-“
A sharp interruption caused Jayce’s hand to lift as Viktor hissed frustration into the heat of his skin. He could practically feel his brows lowering, even though he said in the same similarly resigned voice “No. Jayce- you don't understand that the undercity does define me, and that denying that is simply willfully ignorant. I grew up on those streets, I drank that polluted water, I scrounged and fixed toys and machines for coins to scrape by- I watched my mother curl quietly into death like so many others did, and I fucking stole a uniform to sneak into academy lectures. I am still that exact same person, no matter which side of the river I sleep. and you won’t underst-“
Jayce returned the interruption and spoke the words caught in his throat, his heart already clenching at the heavy sadness masked in Viktor’s words. “Yes, maybe I don't understand- I'm-I’m sorry for that. I can be a brute and an ass and- that’s not what you deserve. But I still do know that you deserve to give yourself a chance, Viktor. I can't claim to understand everything about you, but I've seen you and I see you, and I know that you are far too incredible to ever let your disease or your past break you.”
He continued on, momentum carrying him through the things he’d thought a million times before. “Because you are brilliant, and you are good and you are stronger than I could ever hope to be.”
He wished he could look into Viktor’s face, to read his expression, but he was still tucked deep under his chin. And maybe the quiet footsteps of his breath told more than his face would. He just needed to let his partner…know… just how much he meant before he became completely and utterly convinced of his own spiral of thought.
Viktor was still for several moments, and the rush of water from outside was the only thing to fill the silence until his voice picked up again, a little shakier, unless Jayce was just imagining it. “I’m so tired, Jayce, it doesn’t matter what you think you’ve seen in me. Maybe this is my one act of rebellion. To die of my own volition is my last chance to help… because… I'm afraid of what I might do when things get worse. I’ve already failed to do good.”
Jayce felt his throat catch with Viktor’s words, the sheer amount of regret imbued in them speaking to a rotting loathing that festered in his mind. Jayce had suspected that Viktor might think like this, but the abject truth being laid out for him was still crushing.
“Oh I know Viktor, we’ve always meant to do the best- and I wont say that the things we’ve caused aren’t our fault- but we always have the opportunity to change and do good. Trying to seize control in your own death? Viktor, it isn't going to fix anything. I don't think you realize how much you mean to people.”
Fuck, he really wished he could see Viktor’s face to gauge whether he could understand the immensity in his words.
Viktor huffed a wry laugh, fingers plying the ends of Jayce’s shirt as he said “To which people Jayce? I killed Sky- I grew up with her, after all these years, and now she’s nothing more than ash in the water. She never deserved that. But outside of that, no one will even notice I'm gone. Not when Piltover has its golden boy, because they don’t love the poor, crippled scientist who’s-“
Frustration finally got to Jayce and he shifted to grip Viktor’s shoulders, pulling him back to peer directly into his face, appalled at Viktor’s thought process. His next words came out sharper than he intended, but he really didn’t have any self-restraint left to spare, and his voice began to crack under the pressure. “Viktor, I care! You fucking matter to me! Can- can you not see that? 8 years by your side, how could anyone not? And the people who see you and don’t are blind and prejudiced douchebags who don't really see you. Because you’re extraordinary, you’re witty and you’re beautiful, and you’re the best person I know.”
He stared intently into Viktor’s face, refreshed to be able to see the features etched into his mind in front of him again, expectant and frightened to read what he saw. But Viktor seemed to flash through several emotions at once, conflicting and crashing into each other before he composed himself and said quietly “You love everyone, Jayce, please dont- dont make me feel like this means anything.”
Jayce was floored by the blatant denial of what he had quite literally laid out in blazing red print. He felt laughter bubbling up in his chest, not out of amusement but instead the searing shock at Viktor’s words. His voice was riddled with breaks as he finally fully laid bare what he had always meant. “Viktor- god you’re insane. You really don’t know. You- I love you Viktor. I love you so much it hurts and it hurts even more to know that you can’t believe that.”
Jayce could practically feel his face saying his words as loud as his voice had, and it probably showed his shock all the same as Viktor gaped and pulled away from Jayce, sitting clutched together near Jayce’s knees. Jayce felt the absence of his weight like someone carved away a part of himself. Viktor’s face was pulled tight in an expression so pained that Jayce couldn’t connect it to the words he said before. Had he really misread the situation so badly? Did Viktor really despise him?
But his surprise only continued as Viktor tugged off a dark glove over his hand, and his voice finally broke out of the resignation it had been before into something adjacent to desperation. “Jayce, you don’t, look- look at this.”
He pulled the glove away and held out a hand made of mesh and metallic sinew, a dark purple sewn together so delicately and organically Jayce was momentarily stunned as he tried to process it. But Viktor barreled on, “I’m a fucking disaster, I’m- I thought the hexcore might save me but it’s too much- that is what killed Sky, Jayce, isn’t that cruel? I’m a coward who wanted to stave off the inevitable and I’ve only ever been able to dig myself deeper into this hole and become more and more despicable in the process. That isn’t someone you’d want to love.”
Jayce’s breath stuttered at his confession, eyes blown wide and flicking down to stare at the intricate, foreign hand. He could almost picture it, the quiet lab occupied only by Viktor poring over diagrams and piecing together the experiments in which he would be the subject; a toxic gamble of his own safety for the chance of success. He could imagine the methodical determination Viktor proceeded with, honed in on a sparking web of magic laid before him. He could see it explode into the chaos of the arcane Jayce was so afraid of; except this time, it would have latched onto Sky who Viktor hadn’t noticed entering, sapping her life as soon as it had with the plants in the lab.
Of course, he didn’t know exactly how it all played out, but from what he knew, Viktor would never throw anyone aside from himself in harm's way, his morals were etched into his bones, something Jayce always had admired about him. He just wished Viktor wasn’t always the one making sacrifices. Jayce finally looked up from his hand and into Viktor’s face, inspecting the intricacies of his expression, the way he braced for rejection, the knitting of his brows, the frightened amber of his eyes, the tightened lips, the crescent strands of dark hair falling over his forehead. He really was gorgeous, all sharp angles and somehow full of a tenderness that made his chest ache.
Oh Viktor. No, he would never intentionally hurt someone else, and not Sky. He was too good. Jayce knew it with a resounding certainty, because it was evident in everything he did. He slowly reached out and grabbed Viktor’s outstretched hand, feeling the cool sinew against his overheated palm as he pulled it down to inspect closer.
He was vaguely at a loss for words even as thoughts flew through his mind. He only managed a quiet “I understand.”
Viktor sputtered “I- I don’t think you do.”
Jayce stayed silent for a moment, tracing his fingers along Viktor’s unnatural hand before finally vocalizing his thoughts. “Just - Viktor- I-I don’t blame you for anything. I know Sky’s death is the fault of the hexcore, not you. You would never do that. I’m so sorry for her… but I don’t want to see you throwing your life in after her to satiate the balance in your mind. You won’t righten anything by doing it, because it’s always weighed against you. And I just need to say that.. I know you’ve always wanted to fix what you thought were weaknesses… but you were never broken. I just want you to understand that there is beauty in imperfections, and you’ve always been perfect, because they made you who you are. And I love who you are. I always have. No matter what you do.”
- - - - -
Viktor blinked dumbly, his eyes flitted over Jayce’s face for signs of disingenuity as his mind scrambled to make sense of what he had heard. It’s not that he hadn’t been listening, or that Jayce hadn’t articulated properly or spoken objectively incomprehensibly. More so that it was incomprehensible to Viktor .
It didn’t make sense. Everything Jayce had said since Viktor had finally settled down had gone in one ear, buzzed around in his head, then came out the other as confused sludge. Viktor could admit that his self-loathing could sometimes taint his opinions and even his view of the world around him as a whole, but that’s not what had left Jayce’s confessions so surreal. Viktor had killed someone . Unintentional as it was, the blame still laid solely on him. Maybe the hexcore too.
The hexcore.
How had Jayce heard him admit the vile unforgivable acts of his fears and actually forgive him anyways? Maybe it wasn’t that Viktor was always clouded by pessimism and hate, but rather Jayce who was clouded by denial and whatever concept of ‘love’ he had wrongly created and projected on his lab partner.
Viktor continued to let it all stir for a few moments longer. Moving to sit up, his shoulder still caged by Jayce’s hand and his mutated arm still held in a surprisingly delicate grip. Jayce joined him in finally being vertical. Viktor furrowed his brows, squinting slightly as he tried to grasp what was still not clicking in his head.
Viktor knew he loved Jayce. It was a fact he had finally resigned to admitting to himself years ago. Alongside resigning that he would have to live his life in single-sided yearning. Because there were a lot of facts that came with Viktor’s love. Viktor was from the undercity; Viktor was a cripple; Viktor was visibly sickly; Viktor was dying.
The most glaringly prominent fact however, was that Viktor wasn’t good. Yet that had been the one Jayce had so vehemently argued against. And Viktor couldn’t understand that.
“How can you sound so sure?” His voice had become quiet again. Anger and argument washed away as he had let himself fester in his thoughts, brief as it was. Jayce hesitantly moved his hand from Viktor’s shoulder to cup his jaw, a thumb swiped under his tired eyes to remove a tear he hadn’t even known had dropped.
“I can’t be sure. Of anything really,” Jayce began. “But out of everything I feel, loving you is the one I can be the most certain of. So I have to sound sure, for if not, I have nothing in this world grounding me.” He raised Viktor’s metallic hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the knuckles, gliding his thumb across them as he held the hand still in place.
“ You ground me Viktor.” With a sharp intake of air through his nose Viktor finally felt the words pierce his heart. He laid a hand on the forearm where Jayce was still cradling his face, letting himself lean into the heat of Jayce’s ever-warm skin.
The warmth was grounding in the way Jayce had described Viktor to be. That thought clicked something in his brain. Among all the facts Viktor clung so dearly to, a constant distrust to opinions, Jayce being an anchor, his anchor, was one of them.
Always a tether to reality. From a grip to keep him from dropping to a touch to keep his body still even as his eyes flickered wildly around the aqueduct. Jayce was a constant. And Jayce was smart.
Another fact Viktor acknowledged.
Then, letting himself have a moment to collect evidence, entertain a hypothesis and analyse data, Viktor was able to connect facts.
Jayce was smart. Jayce was caring. Jayce was there , clinging to Viktor like a non-metaphorical lifeline. And Jayce said he loved him.
Viktor was a selfish man at his core, another fact. So despite his stubbornness and struggle to actually accept Jayce’s unconditional love as a fact by proxy of others, Viktor let himself hope .
“I- I can’t say I believe you, but- I really want to,” he admitted quietly. Jayce slowly leaned his forehead against Viktor’s. Their breaths danced together in the small gap between their lips. Their eyes finally locked consistently, no more of Viktor sporadically shifting his look away from the intensity of Jayce’s gaze.
“Well, I’ll keep doing everything I can to show my love until you do. And then, I’ll continue anyways until my final breath, and beyond that too,” Viktor let out sort of half laugh half sob.
Every fiber of Viktor’s fragile being wanted to pull back. Inadequacy and unworthiness burned through his very veins at Jayce’s words. Alongside an overwhelming genuine disbelief at the knowledge that despite everything Viktor had done, Jayce continued to persist.
He would think it all a prank if not for the sincerity brewing a storm in Jayce’s hazel eyes. Viktor didn’t trust this notion of being so unconditionally and irrevocably loved, especially by a heart as pure as his partner’s. But he also couldn’t bring himself to deny what was so blatantly stifling affection radiating from Jayce, as palpable as his body heat.
Undeserving as he felt, Viktor brought himself to resign. That pure love and care he was receiving. If not for himself then for Jayce, who had looked so betrayed and outraged when hauling Viktor back to safety. So he swallowed down his convictions of negative self worth, and let himself have this.
Deep breath. Eye contact. Teasing smile.
“You’re a sap,” he chuckled wetly. Jayce’s lips pulled into a grin, crinkles forming around his eyes.
“Probably, but you’re stuck with me. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you. Not now, not until we’ve done everything we can to save you, and even long after that, I’ll follow you into the astral plane.”
Normally Viktor would scoff. Tell Jayce that he’s being stupid and sentimental. Five minutes earlier he would have yelled, and told him that there is no way to save him. That time is up and he wants to go now, on his own terms. But in that moment, all Viktor’s love-addled mind could do was let his eyes slip shut and his head tilt to close that final breath of space.
It wasn’t how Viktor had imagined it, those few times he had humoured himself to consider a moment like this. There was no heat. No pressure in the push of lips against one another. No desire fueled by years of — apparently requited — wanting, pushing them forward and further. Simply the sweetest of declarations spoken in silence between the smallest of touches.
There would be time for those other moments. But it wasn’t what was needed right then. And that’s exactly what Jayce had gifted Viktor. Time. Quantity unknown, quality promised right there in every point of contact between them, Jayce had given Viktor a tomorrow he didn’t think he’d wanted.
“Thank you,” he whispered against Jayce’s lips. “For not letting go.”
“Always”