Chapter Text
It didn't start off a competition. It started out as a favor for Roy by Jan turned misunderstanding turned complaint turned bet. Let me explain.
Keeley Jones was probably the best girlfriend Roy Kent had ever had. She was funny and kind and a live wire of unbridled energy. She was addicting.
He had met a lot of her friends. Her friends and their footballer husbands. Guys who were still playing or retired and modeled. Guys who Roy had nothing in common with.
Keeley and her friends would drag them on double dates where they were forced to talk a bit of football politics and British politics while Roy wished he was more shitfaced than he actually was. It was pedantic and annoying.
Roy made the mistake of complaining about it to Keeley.
"Well I don't see you inviting your friends on double dates, babe," she had said in her cheery-angry tone.
"My friends are all divorced women. And I don't like double dates," he said, trying to get her to drop it.
"Jamie Tartt is your best friend, babe. If you invite one of the guys on a double date I'll never make you go on another double date again," Keeley promised.
Jamie Tartt was not his best friend. But getting out of double dates was tempting. And there were other players besides Jamie. Some that he actually liked to spend time with.
He walked into the locker room knowing that he would ask either Jan or Isaac, whoever he saw first. He'd go for Sam but he did not want to be on a double date with Dani Rojas. He couldn't handle that much enthusiasm. He didn't know if Isaac or Jan were in relationships, he tried to ignore locker room gossip. He only knew about Rojas and Obisanya because he helped Sam move in with him. And he knew about Colin and Jamie because he was there when they got together and he had walked in on them feeling eachother up in the boot room, twice. Poor Will.
Isaac wasn't there yet so he headed to where Jan was sitting on the bench chatting idly with Colin.
"I don't care and I don't want to know," Roy heard Jan say as he walked over. Perfect. He needed someone apathetic to go on this stupid date. Maybe they could all just spend the night drinking in silence and Roy would never have to double date again. Just him, Keeley, the dutchman, and whatever bird he was seeing.
"Maas," He said, interrupting their conversation, drawing both men's attention to himself. "Keeley is making me pick a player to go on a double date with. Can you go out Friday night?"
Colin gaped at Roy like a fish. Jan tilted his head in confusion. "I am free. Are you sure you want to go with me? My boyfriend can be a handful," Jan said.
Oh, Jan was also queer, he didn't care, him and his girlfriend were bisexual, it just shocked him how much of this team wound up being queer. But a handful to Jan Maas was probably someone pretty chill, Jan seemed like a guy with high standards.
"Yeah, whatever," he said, "I'm just doing this for Keeley. Dress nice, she likes expensive restaurants."
Colin laughed when Roy walked away. Whatever, it was one night. How bad could it be?
-
Roy Kent was going to kill Jan Maas and then himself.
Roy and Keeley arrived first. She was wearing a chiffon blue dress and he wore a black suit. She also didn't know Jan was queer. But she liked Jan enough the few times they've talked. Apparently he told her PR-wise he liked podcast equipment and Swiss army knives which Keeley had claimed to find charming.
He saw Jan enter the restaurant first, because the man was quiet, tall, and waving at him with a grin on his face. He was wearing a plain button down and navy slacks. It wasn't as nice as the venue demanded but Roy was fine with that. Fashion was never really his thing.
Keeley waved back but Roy couldn't. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the man following Jan into the restaurant. Couldn't help the furrow of his brow as he regretted every decision that led here.
Richard Montlaur had never ever been Roy's favorite player. He was so annoying. Well, a lot of the players were annoying. But there was something about Richard that made Roy ridiculously angry. Maybe it was his playboy persona, or his pretentious opinions, or Roy's healthy distrust of the French but since he had seen the little snot leaning across the bench to whisper in Tartt's ear years ago he had despised the little fucker.
So seeing him excitedly trotting behind Maas in a suit that looked like it cost a grand made Roy's skin boil. This was Jan's boyfriend? This would be the longest evening of his life.
Keeley greeted both boys with a hug and a squeal about how she could not have known they were together. They both smiled back at her, Jans full of warmth and feeling genuine, Richards Feeling fake and slick. Roy let out a growl. Which had Jan tilting his head in confusion and Richard lifting his eyebrows in amusement, but the two sat down opposing them nonetheless.
"Thank you for inviting us, Roy, Keeley," Richard said with a smile on his face. "This is a very nice restaurant, I have been wanting to try it for a while but this one," he gestured to a smiling Jan, "prefers peasant food."
"Fried chicken is not peasant food," Jan argued, in mock offense, hand jokingly aghast on his chest. Richard grinned back and placed his hand on Jan's thigh to give him an affectionate squeeze.
Roy was fucking confused by them. Since when were Jan and Richard even friends? He really needed to be more aware of what was going on with the team. Especially if there were going to continue to be more HR problems. Three seperate gay couples on one team? What a proud disaster.
"Boys," Keeley grinned excitedly, "You have to tell me how this came to be. How long have you two been together?"
Richard looked at Jan with wide eyes, gesturing to him to tell the story. Christ, Richard looked like a cartoon character, with heart shaped eyes and all.
"We got together last season. After the friendly in Amsterdam. We had been fighting the whole trip. The Netherlands versus France. And then I said that he was arguing awful passionately for something as silly as nationalism. Then we were making out. Been together since," Jan looked at Richard as he spoke. It seemed to Roy by the love sick gaze Jan had that he got lost in Richard's eyes. It was disgusting.
Roy cleared his throat a smidge to remind the two that they weren't alone. They both widened their eyes and turned to look at himself and Keeley. Keeley, who seemed to find their grossness cute. Disgusting.
"So how did the two of you reconnect? I know that there was a period of time where you were separated." Richard asked. Forward as ever. That combined with Jan's Dutch bluntness? They might be the most annoying couple in the world.
Keeley answered, thank God, because Roy doesn't do couple talk. "It was the break before this season started," Keeley began, "I had just finished helping Jamie through his bisexual crisis and I recommended he talk to Roy, as they are both bi men. And Jamie took that to mean he should invite both of us and Colin over my place to help him figure himself out like a council of gays. Next thing we know him and Colin are going at it on the couch, randy little shits. So me and Roy stepped outside to give them privacy and we wound up talking about everything and I realized I'd rather work to be happy with him, then do nothing and be without him."
"So if it weren't for the horniness of Jamie you'd both be single," Jan asked with amusement, Dutch prick.
Keeley took it in stride, "Jamie Tartt has been instrumental in many moments of my life. After all I'm dating his best friend."
Roy rolled his eyes at the thought. "Where the hell is the waiter? if I don't get a drink soon I'm gonna be a right prick."
"Should we order a bottle of wine for the table," Richard asked hopefully, sitting forward in his seat and little .
Jan turned to his boyfriend looking at him affectionately, like he found his boyfriend's alcoholism adorable.
"I could do wine," Keeley shrugged.
Roy huffed out a "fine."
So they ordered some fancy wine Richard was excited about and placed their food orders.
They chatted mainly about Richmond and their upcoming match until the food came. Keeley had said no sports chat but she obliged as Roy needed to keep things in his comfort zone.
Of course Roy feeling comfortable wouldnt last as Richard's pasta order then came and Jan commented that it looked good and Richard started feeding him like he was a fucking baby. Weird.
Keeley cooed, "You guys are so cute, I can't believe how long you've been together, it seems like you're still in a honeymoon phase."
Jan seemed to be blushing but Richard just grinned as he ate a forkful of ravioli off Jan's plate. "Jan is my heart," Richard said fondly, "I could not imagine a more perfect man. It's hard to leave a honeymoon phase when he keeps getting better and better."
Jan's face was as red as his pastas sauce. He was looking down not able to look anyone in the eye. "Richard is very romantic," Jan mumbled.
"It's easy to be romantic, when I'm romancing you, mon amor" Richard said and placed his hand on Jan's chin turning him to look up and face Richard.
"You're so corny, Richie," Jan said, clearly enamored and gaining confidence.
Richard leaned in even closer grinning like a fox, "Richie? You are a menace tonight, mon cœur."
Roy cleared his throat to remind the two men that they weren't alone. That this was a double date. That they weren't in the God damned bedroom. Fucking randy fucks.
Richard pulled his hand away, "Sorry, I got carried away," he let out a dramatic sigh, "I often get lost in Jan's eyes."
The worst part of all of this was that Keeley seemed to be fucking encouraging this.
"Awe,," she said, "I love you two as a couple! Have you been on any other double dates yet? Like with Colin or Jamie or other couples on the team?"
Jan let out a loud laugh, "People find me and Richard off putting and annoying as individuals, they are not overjoyed with the idea of spending date night with us."
Keeley frowned, "Well we find you quite delightful, don't we, Roy?"
Roy grunted out a nod. He was visualizing making them run laps till they vomited in his head, but sure, delightful.
Richard smiled, "Thank you Keeley," he put his hand in Jan's and began eating using his non dominant hand so they could clasp hands while eating. It was disgusting.
"So tell us more about you two," Jan said to Roy and Keeley.
Keeley talked for a while about her job and Phoebe and them looking to move into a house together. Roy drank his expensive wine very fast and ate his steak angrily. Maybe if he ate fast the others would take the hint and they could get the bill soon.
Unfortunately Richard seemed content to eat one piece of pasta every 5 minutes as he was too busy smiling at his boyfriend. He wasn't even sure that Richard was listening to Keeley. Prick.
"What do you two think our chances are against the Wolves Sunday? Roy asked hoping to talk about anything other then these dumb fucks and their dumb relationship or have Keeley talk more about his fucking personal life.
"Oi babe, we said no more work talk," Keeley chastised him. "You guys have a meet the parents type thing yet? I met Roy's sister and niece and they are truly wonderful women."
Richard looked a little uncomfortable and began eating his food faster then he was before which Roy was grateful for.
Jan passes his boyfriend a careful gaze before continuing undeterred, "neither of us have any family in the United Kingdom. Part of the profession. When I visit my father in Groningen next Richard is going to accompany me. Thank you for asking."
It was a measured response. One that was used to avoid certain topics. It was okay because Keeley was too polite to ask and Roy didn't care about their personal shit. Thank fuck one of the shitheads like Tartt wasn't hearing that fucking shit or they'd make Jan and Richard uncomfortable. Roy didn't give a shit about them at all but they didn't fucking deserve to be uncomfortable and shit.
Keeley smiled at Jan. "That's great, Jan. What is Groningen like?"
Keeley and Jan chatted about hometowns and travel while Richard gazed down timidly and finally fucking ate his dinner. Roy just glared in his direction. The faster they ate the faster they could all leave.
"Oh wow," Jan said, grin still present on his face, "I have never been a beach vacation guy, but that does sound like it was quite the romantic voyage. We will have to keep it in mind."
Jan turned his attention back to his boyfriend who was on his last few bites of pasta. "Maybe we can go there, liefde," Jan said. "Could be fun."
Richard put his fork down. Which was annoying because he was so close to being done and once Richard finished eating it wouldn't be rude for Roy to flag down a waiter. "I'll go anywhere with you, mon cœur."
Keeley let out a little squeal sound like when she girl-talked with Rebecca, "You two talk like you're in a bloody romance book, it's ridiculous."
Jan blushed again and looked down.
Richard grinned like a menace, "Hard not to talk poetically about my Big Guy here."
Jan's face was impossibly red, tomato did not begin to compare to the hue on Jan Maas's fucking face. Roy rolled his eyes as he found them ridiculous.
He didn't mean to scoff, he had been doing his best to keep it in, but Big Guy was apparently too far for Roy.
Keeley softly swatted him on the arm. "Babe," she chastised again with anger in her tone.
Jan's face was still red and he was still looking at his empty plate. "This is why I was surprised you invited us on a double date, Coach," Jan mumbled. "Richie here is known for being a lot on double dates. Even before we were dating I had heard that about him. Overtly romantic."
Richard just snickered, love sick eyes latched to Jan's face, "Oh you love it, babe."
Roy felt Keeley glaring at him even if he was looking at the pair across from them. "Right, fuck, well to be honest, I didn't know the two of you were in a relationship when I asked Jan, I just wanted to go on a double date with someone I respected on the team or some shit and Jan was the first person I thought of."
Jan looked up from his plate at that to smile at Roy, grateful for the compliment. "Thank you coach. I probably should have done more to warn you about my taste in men," He joked.
Richard let out a half joking gasp of offenses. "Mon dieu, I am a delight. You should be grateful for my company," Richard said to his coach. "And you," he said to his boyfriend, "We both know how much you love the attention."
Richard then leaned in to whisper into Jan's ear. And based on Jan's facial journey of redness, it was likely fucking randy as fuck. Fucking French people.
Thankfully the waitress stopped by with the bill as Richard pulled away from Jan's ear. Roy never reached for his wallet faster.
"Please, Roy, let me pay," Jan said sternly.
"No." Roy said and put his card in the black book.
Jan stared him down harshly but relented when Richard placed a hand on his wrist. It was sickeningly sweet.
"Don't mind Roy, Jan," Keeley said,waiving a hand calmingly, "he always likes to pay on double dates. Awful chivalrous."
"We'll pay next time," Richard said with a smile.
"Next time?" Roy asked gruffly. "I don't know-"
Keeley elbowed him under the table.
"Sounds great, Richard," Keeley said sweetly. "This has been a wonderful double date."
Both men smiled wide at the comment.
Later on, when it was just the two of them on the drive back to Keeley's, Roy spoke up.
"I thought you said after tonight I was done with double dates?" He asked from the passenger seat.
"Roy, how could you say that? The two of them were so sweet and clearly look up to you. Why do you have to be so set on tearing them down?" Keeley gripped the steering wheel angrily.
"Sweet?" He asked in disbelief, "they were ridiculously sweet. Too sweet. It was like they were middle school girls talking about Jake fucking Gyllenhaal or something."
"They were romantic! Would it kill you to talk about me like that?" Keeley shot him a murderous look before her eyes returned to the road.
Great. Now not only did he have to go on another double date but he was fighting with Keeley. Fucking Richard, French prick.
The next day, Colin and Jamie were smirking at him when he walked in the locker room before training.
"How was the double date, Coach?" Colin asked in the half empty room as he shoved a shirt on. "Did you wind up killing Richard?"
Roy groaned, "Not yet."
"That bad?" Jamie asked, next to Colin.
"I wanted to stab myself with my salad fork," Roy said. "They flirt nonstop, it's sickening. And not in a homophobic way, in a Richard-phobic way."
"It's just flirting, coach," Bumbercatch piped in, from the other side of the locker room, bringing in the attention of the whole team that was present.
"I don't think any of you fucks could go on a double date with those two without wanting to set the restaurant on fire," Roy said honestly.
"Is that a challenge?' Colin asked with a grin. Roy really needed to talk to Isaac about getting Colin's betting problem under control. "Say 200p?"
Still, Roy liked the idea of torturing Hughes and Tartt, "Honor system?"
"Best system there is," Colin said, grinning and holding out his hand to shake with Roy.
"Oi," Isaac said who was apparently also listening. "Me and Moe want in on this. We can absolutely out romance those two."
"What like a triple date?" Roy asked with eyebrows raised.
"No, like two sets of boyfriends," Moe corrected, a cheeky smile on his face.
Fuck there were a lot of couples in this team. Someone needed to give their human resources team a raise.
"Me and Sam will participate too. Not the idea of not wanting to commit arson but the idea of outromancing them. Me and Sam are very romantic," Dani smiled.
Colin grinned, "anyone else want in before I close ranks on this bet?"
Roy saw Paul Reynolds and Tom O'Brien raise their hands too. He didn't even want to know if those two were together or not. The less he knew about the players' non professional lives the better.
Jan and Richard walked into the locker room as Colin began walking around collecting cash.
"Oi you two," Isaac said, "You've got a lot of double dates coming up, innit?"
Jan and Richard smiled. "Raving reviews from Coach?" Jan asked with raised eyebrows and a smile.
"Something like that," Roy huffed. "Get changed and get on the fucking pitch."
Roy went back to his office. This would be the easiest and most fun 800p he ever earned.