Work Text:
Kaeya and Rosaria are drunk. Absolutely, undeniably, borderline unconscious drunk. They are laughing so hard they can barely breathe.
Kaeya waves his glass around as he talks, coming precariously close to dumping the alcohol all over his lap. “- and there he is, sitting in the fountain, half-naked, just absolutely wasted, right? And I go up to him, and I’m like, ‘Venti, you need to put your clothes back on.’ And do you know what the little shit says to me?”
Rosaria wipes a tear from her eye. “What?”
Kaeya pitches his voice into a slurred, high-pitched whine. “He goes, ‘Kaeya, this is a free country! I have the right to bare arms. And legs. And midriff.’” He slams his drink down, looking pained.
Rosaria nearly falls off her stool, howling. “Did you actually arrest him?”
Kaeya groans. “I had to.” A pause. “But technically, no. I just dragged him to HQ and made him Jean’s problem.”
Rosaria snorts into her drink.
“Which means he probably got off without much more than a stern talking to, which was probably worse for her than for him, given-” Kaeya stops. You can almost see in his eye the exact moment his single brain cell momentarily wakes up as a thought visibly passes across his face. “Oh, wait. Do you know?”
Rosaria frowns. “Know what?”
“You know. Know. ”
Rosaria squints at him. “No, I don’t know? What am I supposed to know? I mean, I probably do know, but how am I supposed to know if I know what you know if you won’t tell me what I’m supposed to know?”
Kaeya stares at her. Then shakes his head. “You don’t know. If you knew, you’d know.”
“Well, I do know. Of course I know. But I can’t just come out and say it, in case we aren’t on the same page and you don’t know. I can’t just go blabbing that stuff to anyone.”
“No, no. You would know. There’s only one big thing, so you would know.”
Rosaria smirks. “Oh, you think there’s only one big thing? So you don’t know.”
Kaeya freezes. “Wait. What don’t I know?”
Rosaria tilts her head. “You know. The other thing. I thought you knew, but I guess you don’t know.”
Kaeya turns wildly, locking eyes with Diluc, who has been listening from across the bar. His expression is impossible to describe. He looks like he wishes he had gone home an hour ago, but has accidentally stayed too long and witnessed something too terrible and now he cannot bring himself to look away.
“Diluc! Do you know what she’s talking about? Is she lying, or does she actually know something I don’t know?”
Diluc stares at him blandly. “I wouldn’t know.”
Kaeya gasps at Diluc’s unimpassioned response, eye widening in betrayal. “Diluc. Don’t tell me you know too.”
Diluc, unbothered: “I can assure you, I have no idea what she, or you, are talking about.”
Kaeya gasps. “Oh my god. He knows.”
Rosaria slaps the counter. “Alright. On the count of three, we both say what we know.”
Diluc straightens. “That is a terrible idea.”
Rosaria and Kaeya, in perfect unison; "Shut up, Diluc."
Kaeya counts. "One. Two. Three."
Kaeya; "Venti is Barbatos.”
Rosaria; "Venti is sleeping with Jean.”
Silence.
Kaeya and Diluc both turn to stare at her.
"WHAT!?"
Kaeya grips the edge of the bar. "You're joking. You're joking. " His voice is urgent. He is not built to handle this level of stress while drowning in alcohol.
Rosaria just stares at him. She isn’t laughing anymore. She isn’t laughing anymore!
Diluc exhales slowly, eyes closed like he's deeply regretting letting them drink this much. "Both of you are drunk," he says, "And you should not be gossiping."
"I'm not gossiping!" Rosaria protests, looking suddenly entirely sober. "It's true. I swear. " She presses a hand over her heart. "I heard it from Jean herself. Well. Not directly, but Barbara told me Jean was late for work once because she, and I quote, couldn't get the bard off of her."
Kaeya is frozen, his brain struggling to reboot.
"And apparently, Barbara thinks she could do better, but like… Jean has been taking better care of herself lately. And sleeping better. And she’s in a way better mood, so, I guess she’s been getting some. Good for her."
Kaeya makes a strangled noise.
"And you know I had to see for myself," Rosaria continues, undeterred. "I mean, I wasn’t just going to take Barbara’s word for it - bless her heart I love that girl dearly but you know she’s prone to misunderstandings, especially with this sort of thing. Though, for Barbara to think it, you know Jean must have pretty much said as much point blank. But don’t let it be said I don’t verify my facts! So I stalked- I mean followed- I mean, watched Jean’s house for a bit. And yeah. Venti totally climbs in through her window at night and stays until morning."
Kaeya slowly turns his head toward Diluc. Diluc, who has not moved in a while. Diluc, whose head is now bowed, hands clasped.
Kaeya stares. "What are you doing? " He squeaks urgently.
Diluc lifts his head just enough to speak, voice solemn. "Giving him a head start."
Then he stands, summons his claymore, and marches out of the bar.
Kaeya watches him go, utterly horrified. Then he swings back to Rosaria. "...You were joking, right?"
Rosaria shakes her head solemnly. No. She was not jokin-
“Wait. Venti is Barbostas?”