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Yelling.
There was so much yelling.
It’s nothing you weren’t used to, they fought often and, frankly, it hardly phased you by now. But what wasn’t normal was the intensity.
You hid in your room like you always did in these moments, shaking under your covers. The yelling rose to a crescendo when you heard a loud crash followed by the sound of glass breaking. Then everything fell far too quiet. Carefully and quietly, you tiptoed out of your room, trying to see what happened, and-
She’s… He just…
As quietly as you could, you got dressed and grabbed your essentials and ran. It’s not the first time you’ve run away from home, but things haven’t ever been this bad before. You always had your mom protect you and keep you safe and she was always there for you and now she-
You couldn’t stop running.
Realistically you could probably run to someone in your village for help and find somewhere to stay. But you didn’t want him to find you and make your life a living hell now that she was gone. You had to run as far away as possible.
You didn’t know how long you ran. It was hard to breathe, your knees ached, and your lungs were on fire. You couldn’t see through your unending tears, but you came to a stop when you felt the lightless sand underneath your feet. You wiped your tears and looked up, finding a boat sitting there on the shore. It should be fine to just borrow this, right? You could leave a note apologizing, saying you needed to escape but– but what if your father found it? You couldn’t take that risk. Instead, you took out your dagger and carved ‘I’m sorry’ into the wooden post before untying the boat.
With a deep breath, you pushed the boat into the sea and jumped in. Allowing the ocean to carry you, you clutched your knees tightly to your chest and cried. Why is this the fate your Universe gave you, why did this have to happen to you? What did you do to deserve any of this?
With your island still in sight, you cleared your eyes and looked up to the sky. You searched and searched until you found your favorite star and silently breathed out a wish. Please keep me safe, please keep me safe, please keep me safe . The faint smell of sugar enveloped your words as your island drifted further into the distance and everything went dark.
Out of that darkness, something… Emerged. They were walking on the ocean towards you, the water rippling under each and every step. They looked… like you?
You glanced down at yourself to make sure you were seeing things right but you were no longer in your boat, you were standing there on the lightless water. Why were you in a boat to begin with? You couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
“Who are you?” The figure before you just stood there, silent. “Why do you look like me??”
No response. Something about the way they stood there made chills up your spine, and something about them was just so terrifyingly familiar. You drew your dagger in self defense, not wanting to take any chances.
Before you could ask anything else, the environment around you shifted. You were back in a room that you couldn’t recognize yet felt so familiar at the same time. The stairs leading up to a room you spent your whole life in was shrouded in an unsettling darkness. You turned to look back at the figure and they morphed into… someone? You squinted, trying to remember her name and who she was to you but everything kept falling from your memory. All you knew was the sight of her made you cry.
“This was all your fault,” the woman cried. “You ran and ran and ran instead of saving me. All you ever do is run!” No no no she’s wrong she was already dead you couldn’t have- “You left me to DIE, — !”
You clutched your chest as your breathing hiccupped. You wouldn’t… You wouldn’t abandon anyone. Not again not again you couldn’t leave anyone you wouldn’t you-
The room swirled and shifted again, making you lose your balance as your vision lost sense of what was up and down. When everything stops spinning you look up and find yourself back in the House? Why were you back here again you were free you defeated the King you broke the loops. Did something go wrong again? Have you always been here? What were you just doing-
Isabeau appeared before you and you finally felt safe. You ran up to him, pulling him into a tight hug. You let out a deep sigh, breathing in his familiar comforting scent. Tears that you didn’t realize you were holding in began to fall, soaking his shirt as he just. Stood there. He wasn’t hugging you back something was wrong something-
You pulled away just enough to look up at him and he looked…. Disgusted. He took a step back, wiping his shirt to smooth out the wrinkles you left behind. When his hand touched where your tears fell they jerked back as his face twisted, twisted, twisted into something that made your whole core feel ashamed and disgusting and revolting. Why would you think this was ok?? Did you forget how disgusted he was when you kissed him? Did you forget how he hates you? Your face flushed in shame as you just looked away, trying to hug yourself for comfort.
“When are you going to stop running from your problems, Siffrin?” Isabeau’s voice was cold. Distant. You felt your blood run cold at the sound of it. “It’s really quite pathetic by now. If it wasn’t for your dumb wish I would have left you long ago.”
Oh. Oh of course he thinks this, you’re forcing everyone to stay for your own benefit. You shrink away, not daring to steal another glance from him. You’re disgusting, Siffrin. You manipulated everyone to stay by your side because of a dumb blinding wish when everyone has their own lives to go back to.
“You called me a coward, always hiding away from myself.” You cringed hearing your words thrown back at you. “But the real coward is you. Every time something went wrong you would loop back as an escape. When Odile found out about the loops, when you killed that sadness on your own, when you kissed me, you never, not even once talked about it. You never once owned up to your actions and immediately looped to avoid any repercussions. The only coward here is you.”
How did he… Regardless of how he knew, he’s right. You couldn’t deny it. You’d been running for as long as you could remember. You were pretty sure you were running when you left your home, though you couldn’t remember why. You collapsed to the floor, shaking as tears threatened to fall. Hah… how pathetic, he was right and all you could do was cry.
Everything around you began to shake and tremble, parts of the House falling away crumbling to the ground. You risked looking up, looking at Isabeau and he’s… half of his face looked like someone you couldn’t grasp but just the sight of him filled you with more fear and dread than you could ever remember feeling. And seeing him mixed with your Is- with Isabeau struck so much pain in your chest.
“It would have been so much better for everyone if you were just gone. If you had died in her place instead of running away like you always do!” Isabeau raised a hand. “Then I never would have had to deal with you!” and he-
Before his hand could make any contact with you, you startled awake. Isabeau was hovering over you, shaking you awake, concern written all over his face. Your eye widened in fear and you shuffled away from him, falling out of bed with a loud thud. You kept pushing yourself back until you hit the wall. You squeezed your eye shut and hugged yourself tightly, hiding as far as you could behind your knees.
“Don’t… please don’t hurt me I’m so sorry I’msorryI’msorryI’m-” You hiccupped as tears spilled over unable to stop, the sight of him about to hit you was still so fresh in your mind. Not again, stars not again you were safe you were supposed to be safe.
You heard the sound of a match as light crept into the room. You heard the floors softly creak as they shifted under Isabeau’s weight, slowly moving closer. The movement stopped after you tensed up, and you could hear him sit down.
“Sif…?” His voice was impossibly soft, full of care and worry and different from the disgust you heard from him not too long ago. “Hey I’m right here, I’m not going to hurt you.”
Ever so slowly, you looked up from where you were hiding behind your knees. He was just sitting there, not moving. And he was looking at you so carefully, trying to figure out how to approach you.
“I-I’m sorry you were right just… just please don’t… you were right…” Your voice was just barely over a whisper and he looked so pained when you spoke. You were just hurting him even more by being here like this. He doesn’t want to be here you know he hates you so why is he still here?
“Hey, you’re okay, it’s okay. You’re awake now. Can you breathe with me?” You met his eyes and felt a little more calm than you were before. You managed a nod, and tried to follow his exaggerated breathing. It took a few attempts, your chest stuttering and failing to breathe properly multiple times. Eventually you were able to get a few deep breaths in and you could think clearly. You were just having a bad dream, but you’re here, you’re safe, you’re home.
Isabeau shuffled towards you, sitting down next to you. With a sigh you leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder. Each breath you felt him take helped ground you further. He placed his hand over yours, giving it a quick tight squeeze.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
You thought for a moment before shaking your head. You didn’t really have anything to talk about. You knew you had a nightmare, but all the details were slipping from your memory like the lightless sand slips through your fingers. You wished sometimes you could remember your dreams, even the bad ones, because you knew talking about them helps. At least you know it helps Isa when he has them, so why wouldn’t it help you?
“Can’t remember…” Your voice was so hoarse from crying, if Isabeau wasn’t right there you fear he wouldn’t have heard you at all. “‘m sorry…” You felt warm as lips were pressed to the top of your head, Isabeau’s breath stirring your hair.
“What are you sorry for, love?”
Everything! Forcing him to stay, against his will? Manipulating your family to stay by your side so you don’t destroy the world? For not asking him first before you- what weren’t you sorry for?
“I’m… I’m sorry for being a coward. You deserve to be with someone braver than me, anyone…” It hurt to admit, but he was probably unhappy with how you’re always dragging him down just because you’re afraid of being alone again.
“Hmm, no.” What?
“No?” You sat up to look at him, a soft smile danced across his face.
“I love you, Sif. flaws and all. Besides, I’ve never thought of you as a coward.” You just looked away, struggling to believe him.
“I am, though. I run away from everything the moment things get tough and run from consequences and-” tears started welling up in your eye again threatening to spill.
“Hey, even the bravest people run away sometimes. That doesn’t make you a coward.” You just looked at him confused. Brave people didn’t run away, they would just face what’s scaring them. Isabeau gave your hand another squeeze, his thumb running circles over the back. “I ran, I am still running. I ran from the defenders to help Mirabelle save Dormont. I ran from that nerdy teacher’s pet I once was to become who I am now. But that doesn’t mean I’m a coward, does it?”
Your breath catches in your throat, “but-”
“Mirabelle ran too. She ran from the House when the King attacked so she could live to see another day. If she hadn’t run, everyone would be frozen in time and he would have won. Do you see anyone ever calling her a coward?” Well, he had a point.
“I mean no, but-”
“Bonbon ran away too. To save their sister, to save themself. And they’re one of the bravest people I know!”
“But that’s different…” Everyone goes back to fight their problems eventually. They didn’t run forever, they didn’t avoid everything until it was too late. You did. All you’d ever known was to run when things get tough. Run until you couldn’t remember what you were running from in the first place. “I’ve always been a coward, Isa.”
He let go of your hand and pulled you into a tight hug. “I don’t see it that way, Sif. You’re probably the bravest person I know. Everyone gets scared, everyone has monsters they can’t face alone. But the fact that you’re here, after everything you’ve been through… You’re so, so brave, Siffrin. I need you to know that.” You didn’t know how to respond, so instead you just clung onto Isa- your Isa, as tightly as you could.
Another kiss was pressed to the top of your head, and gently Isa picked you up. “Let’s head back to bed, okay?”
“-mkay…” you suppressed a yawn as you were carefully set back into your shared bed. When Isabeau laid back down he held you tightly as if you’d disappear if he lets go. You relaxed in his arms, drifting back into sleep’s embrace. “I love you.”
“I love you too, starlight. Don’t forget that.” His words danced in your head as everything faded away once more. You dreamt of home.