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There is an ache in Felix’s chest when he looks at Minho, and it has existed for a very long time.
It all feels so teenage, to still look at him this way after all these years. To still be this in love with him, if not more in love with him than when he first fell for him. To be yearning for something that he knows will never happen, but still can’t seem to stop dreaming about.
It’s unrealistic. It always has been.
“Ugh, I don’t get how you watch this stuff, Hannie,” Minho complains from the couch, glaring at the reality dating show that’s playing on the screen.
“Come on, don’t be like that! Just forget how stupid it is and get invested!” Jisung playfully pushes Minho’s shoulder. “They’re in love, can’t you at least appreciate that?”
“It’s all on TV, so I don’t really know what to think about it,” Minho huffs.
It’s the dynamic that he’s seen before, the undeniable chemistry between Minho and Jisung. It’s so clear that they’re meant to be, matching each other’s energy perfectly. Jisung says something snarky back, but Felix tunes it out as he fills his glass with fresh water and makes his way back to his room. As he walks down the hallway, he can still hear the faint echo of their banter.
It would be stupid to think that it could have turned out any differently.
-
Felix remembers the day he met Lee Minho. There were whispers around all of the trainees that day, about the new guy coming in who used to be a professional dancer. He danced for BTS in fact, and went on tour with them.
“Did you hear about the new guy?” Felix remembers asking Chan on that day while they ate lunch together in the cafeteria.
“Who, Lee Minho?”
“Yeah. He sounds pretty cool.”
“He is.”
Felix drops his chopsticks. “You met him?”
Chan nods, not even bothering to look up from his food. “Yeah, of course! I actually think you should meet him since you’re both dance-focused and all that.”
Felix’s jaw drops. “You want to introduce me to him? I’ll make a fool of myself!”
“No, you won’t, don’t say that! It’ll be good for you, I promise.”
The next day is when Felix gets to see Minho for the first time, Chan practically dragging him by his sleeve to the practice room. Immediately, when their eyes meet, Felix knows he’s a goner. Minho is devastatingly handsome, to the point where Felix has to stop and wonder how many hearts this man has broken. But his voice is sweet and polite when he introduces himself, and it’s so unexpected (in a good way) that Felix trips over his own introduction.
“I’ve got to go, but I’m sure you’ll be able to hold a conversation with each other. Felix’s been talking all about you these past two days,” Chan says with a dimpled smile. Felix tries to kick his ankle, but Chan is already halfway to the door.
“You have?” Minho asks curiously, tilting his head.
“I- I just heard some stuff about you being a dancer from the other trainees. I also really like dance so maybe,” Felix has to search for the right words in Korean. “You can teach me some stuff?”
Minho’s eyes light up, but his smile is still cautious as he says, “I’d be happy to. What was your name, again?”
“Ah, it’s Felix.”
“Felix? It’s English,” Minho remarks.
“Yeah, I’m from Australia,” Felix admits nervously. “I arrived…recently.”
“Are you still learning Korean?”
Felix winces. “Could you tell?”
Minho smiles and gives a little half-laugh that lightens the mood. “You’re not bad.” He says in broken English, and something in Felix’s chest swells at the gesture. Minho pauses for a moment, seemingly collecting his thoughts before suggesting, “Maybe though, I can help you?” Then he holds out his hand for Felix to shake.
Felix smiles, big and genuine. “I look forward to it.”
-
It’s maybe an hour after Felix has gone up to get more water that he hears a knock on his door.
“Come in,” he says, slipping off his headphones and pausing his game.
The door opens slowly and Jeongin walks inside, closing the door behind him before unceremoniously dropping himself facefirst onto Felix’s bed.
“What’s up?” Felix asks, swiveling around in his chair to face Jeongin.
“Lovebirds are hogging the living room,” Jeongin whines, his voice muffled by Felix’s sheets.
“Yeah, I saw them,” Felix mumbles. “Jisung’s been over a lot recently. I wish they would hang out at the other dorm at least once in awhile.”
“You and me both. I can’t use the TV if they’re there.”
“So why did you come and bother me?” Felix laughs. “It’s not like I have a TV in here.”
Jeongin shrugs. “Being with you is more interesting than being in my room alone right now, and Seungmin-hyung is watching a drama on his laptop, so he’ll kill me if I go in there.”
Felix laughs and turns off the light, walking over to sit down next to Jeongin on the bed. “Well, do you wanna watch a movie or something with me? Or are you just gonna lay down facefirst on my bed until Jisung leaves?”
“No, I’ll watch something with you,” Jeongin replies, sitting up. Felix grabs his laptop from his desk and they readjust so that they’re both leaning against the headboard.
“Alright, what do you want to watch?” Felix asks. He prays that Jeongin doesn’t pick a romance, because he doesn’t know if he can stomach it right now.
“Action. Something that’ll get my blood pumping.”
“Do you really want your blood to be pumping? It’s like, kinda late at night. We have schedules tomorrow.”
“Since when were you a rational hyung, Felix-hyung?” Jeongin scoffs.
Felix shrugs. “Maybe it comes with age.”
Jisung laughs loud enough that it can be heard from Felix’s room. Underneath it, Felix can hear the higher, softer giggle that belongs to Minho. Something rattles in his ribcage at the harmony it creates, like two puzzle pieces fitting together.
“Here, pick whatever,” Felix tells Jeongin, gesturing to the laptop. It doesn’t take long for Jeongin to pick a random drama movie, and then they’re both watching it in silence, surrounded by the dark of Felix’s room with only the dim light of the night sky steaming through the blinds to illuminate them.
At some point into the movie, Jeongin says, “You know, I’ve grown up a little, Felix-hyung.”
“Yeah?” Felix’s voice is quiet. “Why are you bringing that up.”
“I’m just saying that I’m better at reading the room now,” Jeongin continues. “And that if you want to talk to me, I’ll be better at listening.”
Felix turns to Jeongin. “Is that so?”
“Yeah.” Jeongin nods. “And I know that while maybe some things have changed about you, a lot hasn’t.”
Felix huffs out a laugh. “I shouldn’t have told you all those years ago.”
“Don’t be embarrassed. I just wanted to let you know if something’s bothering you, don’t feel bad about letting it off your chest, okay?”
Felix smiles. He wraps an arm around Jeongin’s shoulders and pulls him closer. Jeongin rests his head on Felix’s shoulder.
“When did you become so wise?” Felix asks, sighing.
Jeongin looks up at him, smiling wide. “Maybe it comes with age.”
-
Felix stands in the center of the practice room with his hands on his knees while Minho goes over to shut off the music. Their first comeback is hard. Felix thought debuting was hard enough, but apparently, idol life gets harder the further you get.
He should have been expecting the backlash, really. He knew they weren’t going to be a hit from the start because no one is like that. It doesn’t change the fact that he still feels like he hasn’t worked hard enough at all to deserve his position.
If he keeps trying harder, he’ll deserve it. He’ll deserve to stand beside these boys and they’ll rise to the top, he knows it. He just needs to work for it.
“That was a better run-through,” Minho remarks, coming back to stand next to Felix. “Cleaner, but I saw you got tripped up on the part after the first chorus.”
“I keep mixing it up with the second chorus,” Felix agrees, still out of breath.
“Good that you’re aware of it. Now let’s work on it.”
Felix nods, standing up straight again and making sure to watch Minho’s movements closely. He tries to replicate it, albeit less smoothly and more out of control, but Minho still nods at him to commend the improvement.
“We’ve worked at this long enough,” Minho tells him. “Let’s head home.”
Felix sighs but nods anyway, following Minho out of the practice room as they turn off the lights behind them.
Felix really doesn’t try to be disappointed in himself. He’s been figuring out that he’s a little bit of a slow learner when it comes to this idol stuff. Or maybe he’s just a few steps back because he was kinda thrown into a new environment and just expected to know what to do, but he’s trying. He really is.
“I wonder if anyone cooked anything,” Minho asks.
Felix snaps out of his thoughts. Minho presses the button to the elevator and the door opens after only a few seconds.
“I’m kinda craving stew. Or they probably made rice at least, right?” Minho continues.
Felix tilts his head to the side. “Maybe. But the real question is if they left anything for us.”
Minho shakes his head. “I bet they left enough for you, but probably not for me.”
Felix laughs a little. “No, I bet they left you something. You’re too scary for them not to.”
Minho pushes Felix’s shoulder lightly, and Felix pushes him back.
They walk in silence until they reach the front door of the building, exiting the company. Felix watches his shoes as they walk on the pavement until he notices Minho stop next to him. He turns to see Minho looking up at the JYPE office, staring in silence.
“This building is kinda ugly,” Minho remarks suddenly, and Felix barks out a laugh. “But it’s ours,” Minho continues, and he turns to Felix. “We really do belong here, Yongbok-ah,” Minho finishes, and Felix can feel his heart pumping in his chest. He doesn’t know if he’s just obvious with his feelings (he definitely is), but Minho always seems to know what he’s thinking.
“Yeah?” Felix acknowledges.
“Yeah.” Minho pats Felix’s head and looks up, his gaze reaching past the company building and turning towards the sky. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
-
“The main character in this movie is stupid,” Jeongin remarks at about the halfway point. Despite Jeongin picking an action movie, the romance subplot is painfully obvious and it might as well be the main storyline. Felix is only dying inside a little bit, but Jeongin’s commentary is a good distraction from his own romantic failures.
“Do you not remember her name?” Felix asks, scoffing.
Jeongin turns to Felix with complete seriousness in his expression and asks, “Why would I bother remembering the name of an idiot, Felix?”
Felix barks out a laugh that he’s sure can be heard from the living room.
“I don’t think she’s that bad,” Felix offers. “She isn’t sure if he likes her back, so she’s sticking to what she knows.” He hums, and tries to ignore the feeling of uncertainty that thrums through his veins.
“Is that what you’ve been telling yourself all this time?” Jeongin asks.
Felix shakes his head, smiling. “It’s different. I knew he was never gonna like me back. Sticking with what we already had was as good as it was gonna get.”
“But how did you know that?” Jeongin pushes. “There’s no way you could’ve known since all the way back then. Just like he couldn’t have known that you liked him! It was just guessing games, and what if you guessed wrong? What if it was a missed opportunity?”
Felix sighs. “And what if it was?” He turns to Jeongin. At this point, they’re both completely tuning out the movie. “Would you rather me have stopped him and Hannie from getting together?”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” Jeongin insists. “I’m saying that you could’ve been Hannie-hyung.”
“Well, I guess we’re past that, aren’t we,” Felix says, his voice harsh. It makes Jeongin scoot back a little, and he immediately regrets the tone. “I didn’t miss an opportunity or anything like that,” Felix continues, his voice gentler. “He loved Jisung even back then. He always has. And I always knew.”
Jeongin exhales and leans against Felix’s shoulder. “You’ve just been so miserable for years, hyung.”
“Way to make me sound pathetic.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.” Jeongin grabs Felix’s hand to play with his rings. It seems out of character for him, but it’s late and they’re both tired out of their minds, so he doesn’t think anything of it.
“I don’t know how to not be in love with him, I don’t think,” Felix admits quietly. He’s thought it for a long time, but saying it out loud feels like utter defeat. Like he’s condemned to a life of heartbreak and loneliness for all of eternity.
“Promise me you’ll move on, though?” Jeongin pleads. He’s still playing with Felix’s fingers. The sounds of the movie have faded into white noise. “I don’t like seeing you sad.”
“I’m not sad,” Felix says, nudging Jeongin lightly with his elbow. Jeongin frowns. Felix has always been a bad liar. He sighs. “I’m just…resigned, I guess. To loving someone who will never love me back.”
“He loves you, hyung,” Jeongin mumbles.
Felix hums. “I know he does.”
Just not the same way. Never the same way.
-
The convenience store is bright inside to the point where it starts to hurt Felix’s head.
“Hyung, you couldn’t have made ramyeon at home?” He asks, blinking the remnants of sleep from his eyes.
“You told me you haven’t been to the convenience store in the middle of the night, so I brought you here.” He looks at Felix and pats his head. “Stop pretending like you just woke up. You were already awake when we left.”
“Barely. Ugh, and I was just about to fall asleep, too!”
“Oh come on.” Minho leads Felix down one of the aisles and they come up on a shelf filled with instant noodles. “What’s your favorite flavor?”
Felix doesn’t know since his vision is blurry and he isn’t able to read too well right now, so he grabs one with orange packaging and hopes it’s chicken flavored. He holds it up to Minho, frowning slightly when Minho stares wide-eyed back at him.
“What?”
Minho shakes his head and smiles. “Nothing! Here, let me pick mine.” He scans the selection briefly before grabbing a cup with blue packaging. Felix watches as Minho shakes it like a maraca before starting down the aisle towards another area of the store. All Felix can do is blindly follow until they arrive at an area with tables where they can sit down.
“You just use the water heater here,” Minho explains. Felix watches the way that Minho quickly but precisely removes the cup lid halfway before taking out the seasoning packet and dumping out the powder onto the noodles. Minho fills the water up to a little bit above the line, and then closes the lid back up again, weighing the plasticky paper down with chopsticks.
Felix steps up to make his own ramen cup, but Minho simply takes the cup out of his hands and repeats the process. While Minho is filling up the water, he turns to Felix for a second to smile and Felix suddenly becomes very aware of his heart beating in his chest.
They sit across from each other at one of the tables. Minho grabs some noodles and blows on them before eating. He closes his eyes and nods to himself as if he’s confirming a fact. “Ramyeon is always better at night.”
Felix side eyes him but when he lifts the lid, he does have to admit that the soup smells good. Maybe it’s a little more red than he would have thought, but he’s not surprised to see artificial colors in food that has a shelf life of probably five million years.
However, no matter how good it smells, the first bite sends him coughing and hacking into a napkin.
“Holy fuck,” he manages to get out between wheezes. It was just one bite, but he can feel the spice coating his tongue like some sort of evil blanket. Felix musters up enough composure to glare at Minho who is currently laughing his head off.
“What is this?” Felix turns the cup around to find the label. The spice cleared his senses up, so his vision is finally clear enough for him to make out a very recognizable bird on the packaging.
“You let me get Buldak?” Felix looks from Minho to the package then back to Minho in disbelief.
“You seemed so sure of yourself!” Minho argues back, still laughing.
“I couldn’t read the package! I was half asleep!” Felix complains, but he catches himself smiling at Minho’s giggles. He quickly makes sure to turn his face into a pout. “I trusted you, Hyung.”
“Aigoo-ya, are you really such a baby?” Minho shakes his head, but he grabs Felix’s hell ramen and swaps the cup with his own. “Here. You’ll like this one.”
Felix’s pout melts into a smile. “Thank you, I love you!”
“Yeah? Well start eating before I change my mind.”
Felix nods seriously before digging into Minho’s ramen. He was right - Felix really does like it a lot. After tonight, he’ll probably call it his favorite flavor. It’ll also forever be paired with the memory of Minho’s ears turning red from eating spicy noodles, which is a nice little added bonus.
Felix’s phone says that it’s about 3 in the morning when they start walking back. It always baffles him a little that he can safely walk down the street in the middle of the night. Back home, he wouldn’t have tried to pull anything like that in the city, but here, it’s completely normal.
He doesn’t often think in depth about how much his life has changed, but when he does, it consumes him entirely. Every single detail pops out. Here, he’s a singer and a dancer and a rapper and a showman when just a few years ago he was studying for his high school exams as a scrawny teenager. In Australia he had his own room. Here, he shares, but it’s fun and he likes his roommates. They’re like family to him. In Australia, he could sometimes see the stars in the night sky if he looked hard enough. Here, he struggles to make out any constellations.
On a whim, Felix reaches forward and grabs Minho’s sweatshirt sleeve. Immediately, he stops walking and turns to face Felix.
“What’s wrong, Yongbok-ah?” He asks, tilting his head to the side.
“I miss the stars,” Felix says, and it feels like his throat is closing up because what he really wanted to say was, I wish I could see the stars tonight with you.
Either way, Minho smiles softly at him and links arms with him. “You see how there’s still light in the sky even though it’s the middle of the night?”
Felix scoffs. “I’m familiar with light pollution.”
Minho laughs, and Felix doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the way his entire face lights up when he does. “True. But there’s also scattered starlight. I promise the stars are still there. They just show up differently. Doesn’t make their light any less bright.”
Minho starts walking again with his arm still linked with Felix’s, and Felix has no choice but to follow.
-
Love. Felix used to laugh quite often at himself for having a crush like a little schoolboy, but at some point, his unrequited love became pitiable. He remembers that night in the old dorms where he had told Jeongin in the middle of the night that he was in love with Minho. He remembers how desperate he felt to say it out loud, to get that statement out into the world so that someone other than him would know it was true.
He remembers the sympathy in Jeongin’s eyes the moment after the confession had slipped out of his mouth.
It was a lost cause since the beginning, he supposes. Everyone knew it. Jeongin knew it then, and he knows it now.
“Tell me the truth,” Felix whispers. “Am I pathetic?”
Jeongin could reply with his usual snark, but Felix hopes that there was enough emotion in his voice for Jeongin to take him seriously.
“It’s not pathetic to be in love,” Jeongin replies finally, and Felix has to close his eyes to keep from tearing up.
-
“Hey, hey, Felix! Wait up!”
Felix turns around to see Jisung running after him.
“I’m just going to the vending machine,” Felix tells him. “Why are you running?”
“I didn’t want to lose you,” Jisung says.
Felix raises an eyebrow, but says nothing as they walk side by side down to the vending machine. He feels Jisung staring him down the whole walk there, but he tries to ignore it.
“I think I’ll get a mogu mogu,” Felix says mostly to himself, putting in the number for the drink. “What about you?”
“Oh, I don’t want anything. I just wanted to talk to you.”
Felix paused. He looks at Jisung, then at the vending machine, then back at Jisung. “Well, you’re already here. Want something? I’ll pay for it.”
Jisung raises his eyebrows in surprise, as if he hadn’t thought about getting a drink himself at all. “Oh, yeah, I’ll totally get something. Thanks.” Felix steps to the side and watches in amusement as Jisung scans the vending machine in search of what drink to get.
Instead of walking straight back to the waiting room, Jisung takes them on a detour through the long hallways of the studio.
“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Felix asks after they’ve been walking for a little bit.
Jisung stops walking. “Oh. Right. Well, uh…”
“Do you even remember what you wanted to say?” Felix asks incredulously.
“No! I mean yes. I do remember, it’s just…” Jisung looks at Felix and shrugs. “Awkward?”
“Why? What? What are you going to tell me that awkward?”
Jisung takes a deep breath in, seeming to gather his courage. He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it again and shakes his head.
“Jisung, I swear to God if you don’t-“
“I asked out Minho!” Jisung blurts out, so loudly that Felix moves as quickly as possible to cover his mouth from saying any more.
“Keep your voice down!” Felix hisses. He quickly looks around to make sure that there are no lingering staff or idols around them. Luckily, the coast is clear, and he slowly removes his hand from Jisung’s mouth.”
“I asked Minho-hyung out, and he said yes,” Jisung repeats, this time much quieter.
Felix squeezes his eyes shut, but he smiles, exhaling through his teeth. “You did?”
Jisung nods. “I really did.”
Felix opens his mouth, and he smiles more genuinely after seeing Jisung’s awestruck expression. “I’m happy for you, dude. It took you long enough.”
“I just wanted to tell you first because…”
Felix tilts his head to the side. “Because why?”
“Because I know you like Minho too, and I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Felix can feel the smile slowly fade from his face.
Jisung inhales. “I’m sorry that I asked him out even though I knew you liked him, and that’s probably against bro code or something, but Minho is also sort of our bro so I don’t really know how that works-“
“Han-ah, It’s okay.”
“What?”
“Don’t be sorry,” Felix tells him. “It’s not like I was ever going to do anything about it anyway.” Felix smiles nervously and looks down at the floor. “He doesn’t like me like that and he wasn’t ever going to.”
Even though I’ve been in love with him all this time.
“Still, I wanted you to find out from me. And I really don’t want to hurt you-“
“You aren’t,” Felix reassures him. “And I’m happy for you. I really am. Congrats, dude.”
“Thank you,” Jisung says, smiling. “But I still feel bad. Can we hug it out?”
“Alright, you idiot.” Felix walks into Jisung’s open arms and feels them wrap around him. He hugs Jisung back just as tightly, trying his best to ignore the persistent ache in his chest that won’t ever seem to go away.
-
The credits are rolling. Jeongin snores softly against Felix’s shoulder. Felix does his best to move the laptop off to his nightstand without jostling Jeongin too much and is eventually able to lay him down on the bed. As he spreads out the blanket over Jeongin, he grabs his phone and exits his bedroom, carefully closing the door behind him.
He does all the usual things. He brushes his teeth, washes his face, and he’s about to head to Jeongin’s room to sleep there instead when he notices that the TV is still on in the living room.
Felix can see that Netflix is stuck on the “Are you still watching screen?” as he walks closer. He grabs the remote from the coffee table and clicks “No”, returning the TV to the menu. It fills the dark room with soft blue light.
Felix turns around to see Jisung against Minho’s chest, the two of them fast asleep on the couch. Minho’s arms are wrapped around Jisung’s waist and Jisung’s cheek is pressed against the side of Minho’s neck.
Felix sighs. He loves them a lot, he really does. He loves the way that they love each other, that they’re there for each other no matter what. He loves watching the way that they just know each other, inside and out. He loves knowing that two of his best friends found their person in each other.
The little tug in his heart when he looks at them doesn’t go away. It might never. But now, as he turns off the TV and walks down the hall, it's drowned out by something more comforting. The knowledge that he is loved, even if Minho isn’t in love with him.
He can hear Jeongin’s voice from a few hours ago, the whisper of “He loves you, Hyung,” still rattling around in his ribcage. Minho loves him, he does. Felix knows it.
The blinds to the windows are still open. There are still buildings with lights on that Felix can see, but what should be a pitch-black sky still has a faint glow, turning the trees on the horizon into dark silhouettes. Scattered starlight.
I promise the stars are still there. They just show up differently.
Felix pulls the blinds shut.