Chapter Text
And I used to be on your side
Now it's looking like we're going to battle
And why you taking shots at me like
Somebody's gonna give you a medal?
And I never wanna hurt you
But I'm tired of taking all these blows
And so I'd rather be on your side
But if you wanna fight
Baby, let's go
🌸
“Professor Amaranth said we don’t need to do any new missions to be accepted into Project Mew again. He said he was so satisfied with our help last time that we practically belong there”, Gary chuckles, and Goh tilts his head.
Gary just came to give the urgent package from Professor Oak to Professor Cerise, and Goh didn’t expect to hear anything related to Project Mew during his visit, like at all. It’s been a while since he has heard something about it, and it turns out that Project Mew still exists. Danika and Quillon are still chasers, and the demand to be a part of the Project is still high, so many challengers are trying their luck in the missions.
But the spots are still saved for Goh, Tokio and Gary if they would be interested in participating again, and the idea of potentially meeting Mew again sounds tempting enough to Goh that maybe he could try.
He takes a deep breath.
“But of course, there’s no pressure for us to join. He said we should think it through first”, Gary says again when Goh didn’t say anything yet, and the silence starts to feel awkward. Goh bites his lips.
“So um, did you think of going again?”, Goh glances at Gary, but the boy shakes his head.
“Nah, neither me nor Tokio. The last mission was so dangerous that I don’t think we would want to experience it again”, Gary truthfully says, frowning at Goh in suspicion. “Are you thinking of–”
“No, I was just wondering”, Goh replies as he gets deep in thought when Gary leaves the room to finally give the package to Professor Cerise, leaving Goh with his own thoughts.
Goh has bittersweet memories of Project Mew. Maybe meeting Mew isn’t bittersweet on its own, but the realizations that hit on Goh in the middle of it were. Project Mew was a partial reason why he separated from Ash to go on his own journey. He was depending on Ash too much. Ash was with him on almost every mission like Goh wouldn’t be capable of doing them on his own. Even while facing Mew, his brain had the audacity to think of Ash, like he wouldn’t be able to survive on his own. How much more pathetic can it all be?
“Man, I wish I could’ve been with you when you met Mew, I bet that was an awesome feeling”, Ash brings Goh to reality from his thoughts. He frowns at the words Ash has just spoken.
Of course. Of course, Ash would say that. Of course, Ash has to meddle. He has to meddle into anything, even Goh’s own dream.
“I think I’m depending on you too much”, the words leave Goh’s lips on their own, and Ash tilts his head in confusion.
“What do you mean?”, Ash asks, a familiar wave of upset bottling in his voice already, although he tries to stay composed.
Goh isn’t sure what he means in all honesty, but he knows that if he would love to be a part of Project Mew again, Ash would want to go with him, and Goh doesn’t like that at all. It shows that he’s weak, and he has the right to achieve his dream on his own, right?
“You heard me. I think I’m depending on you too much again”, Goh finally repeats, casting his gaze away. He can’t look into Ash’s eyes anymore. “I don’t think I’ve done something on my own since we started dating. You’re always everywhere with me, meddling into everything”.
Ash feels a painful sting on his heart as he processes what he just heard. He closes his eyes in an attempt to calm himself down. He opens them again, not even trying to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.
“If suddenly my presence bothers you so much, why did you even come to Alola to find me? It seems you’ve been better on your own”, Ash bitterly says. and Goh finally looks up at Ash, equally hurt now as well.
“You know, that’s not what I meant–”, Goh tries to say, but Ash cuts him off.
“Yeah? I’m sorry that I’m just trying to look out for you and that I simply care. With what do you even depend on me so much? I always try to give you space and when I see you want to deal with something on your own, I always back off”.
With each word, Goh’s heart aches more, so Goh tries to take a deep breath before he shakily voices out.
“Well, my panic attacks for example. I think I should deal with most of them on my own, but you’re always there, and–”.
“Oh, so it’s my fault that I’m always nearby whenever you have a panic attack? My mom always taught me that it’s better not to suffer from a panic attack on your own, so I’ve been just trying to help”, Ash says before the silence fills the room uncomfortably.
Goh doesn’t know what to reply. He knows Ash is right, but his brain has turned off all of the rational thinking in his body minutes ago. Before he can ponder on the silence too much, Ash speaks again.
“If you don’t need my help, then maybe you should do it on your own then. I don’t understand it, weeks ago you were crying about how we’re still not engaged, but when we do stuff together, it suddenly bothers you. You contradict yourself a lot”, Goh’s eyes widen in shock as he holds onto the corner of the table so he won’t crumble on the floor.
That’s not a sentence he would ever want to hear from Ash, but he just did, and he feels his chest tighten as the words bitterly leave Ash’s lips.
Goh clumsily tries to hold onto the necklace under his shirt as he tries to take deep breaths, but with how hard he gripped the jewelry it fell to the floor instead. He looks terrified at Ash, still trying to breathe, but Ash just raises his brow at him.
Goh still desperately tries to inhale something – preferably air into his lungs, gripping the table hard as Gary comes back into the room, looking terrified at the whole situation.
“Ash, what the hell–”
“Wait, hold on. He said he wanted to deal with it on his own, so why don’t we let him”, Ash says, his voice harsh, and even Gary winces at the tone.
“Okay, I get it, Ashy, but he looks like he’s gonna pass out–”, Gary says worriedly, and Goh just now realizes that he feels like he’s gonna fall onto the floor with the lack of air indeed.
Goh falls into Ash’s steady arms, and Ash hugs him close to his chest, taking deep breaths himself so Goh can copy it at his own pace. Ash takes the fallen necklace from the floor and pushes it into one of Goh’s shaking hands. He holds onto it tightly.
Gary looks at the scene, concerned, but only leaves the room when he notices Goh’s breathing getting even enough.
“I assume you’ll both be fine?”, he asks, still worried, but doesn’t take it to heart when neither of them reply.
🌸
When Goh pulls out from the hug, neither of them say a word. The tension is still in the air, and Goh bites his lips so he won’t cry. He feels the tears gathering in his eyes though, but they don’t fall, even when Ash announces that he’s gonna do some training, even when he leaves the room and he closes the door with too much force in his moves.
Goh comes closer to the window pane and he’s not surprised when he sees that the training was just an excuse to leave the room. Ash is not doing any training altogether. Instead, he lays under one of the trees in the park, covers his eyes with his cap and holds onto the locket on his chest.
Goh turns around before Ash’s body starts shaking from crying. With each passing second, Goh is close to crying as well. He still holds onto the necklace in his hand. The upset, hurt and anger is still lingering over his whole body. Biting his lips, he fishes his Rotom Phone from his pocket, teary-eyed as he types.
Hi Jess x
Do you think you could set up an appointment with Betty for today?
It doesn’t even take 10 seconds for the woman to reply.
I’m afraid not for today, but I can for tomorrow if you’d still be up for it.
Goh shoves the Rotom Phone back into his pocket as he sighs. He holds onto the sill so hard that his nails could break any minute from it. He ignores the rest of the messages Jessie is sending to him as he finally lets the emotions take over him. First, a broken sob leaves his mouth, then tears stream down his face, and lastly, he notices a woman figure standing in front of him with his blurry vision.
“Hey, Goh, what’s wrong?”, Chrysa asks, concerned, putting both of her hands on his shoulders. Although, it makes him cry even more, and without thinking, she hugs him to her chest instead.
The sound of Goh’s hiccups fill the room as Chryssa gently moves her hand through his hair to calm him down. She looks through the window to see Ash hanging out by himself and being in a similar state. She locks her gaze with Gary, who just came into the room, and she gently points at the window and Ash, and Gary nods his head in understanding as he leaves the room without announcing that he was even there.
“Shh, it’s okay, you can let it out”, Chrysa softly coos as she gently sways Goh’s shaking body left and right.
Goh only clutches to her tighter.
🌸
“It’s so rare to see you cry like that”, Gary states, sitting next to Ash, and the boy takes the cap off his eyes to look at him.
He can’t argue with that, he really rarely cries. He remembers crying when he was separating from Misty and Brock. He remembers crying when he released his first Pokemon. He cried when he almost left Pikachu behind.
He almost cried when he and Goh went on separate journeys, but he cries when they have another one of those silly arguments that probably won’t even matter in the next hour. But does it really not matter when Goh’s words hurt him so much? That he had to leave to be alone and just cry?
“You shouldn’t hurt him back”, Gary says, and Ash turns his gaze to the sky instead. He knows that, and if his mom would ever find out about it, she wouldn’t be pleased with him.
“I had many arguments with Tokio, but even if you’re upset with how the other acted, hurting them back is the lowest you can do”, Gary continues, and Ash bites the inside of his cheek. “It’s even low for you”.
“Are you here to make me feel better or to dig my own grave?”, Ash quips back, and to his surprise, Gary just laughs.
Ash just sighs. “You’re right. I’m sorry”.
“It’s not me who you should apologize to, but him”, Gary says, looking at Goh walking over to them with uncertain moves. Ash follows his gaze as Goh sits in front of him, putting the necklace delicately on the grass. The clasp got ruined before, so it will probably have to be repaired or even replaced.
Gary leaves them alone, but he hides sneakily behind one of the trees to listen to the conversation.
“We should…”, Goh shyly starts, and Ash casts his gaze away.
“Communicate, yeah”, Ash adds, but none of them utter anything more.
There’s a few minutes of silence that no one dares to break. At least not yet. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. Goh plays with the grass around him to kill time, when he hears Ash take a deep breath before he finally speaks.
“You said again", Ash quietly says, and Goh tilts his head, letting out a confused huh? .
“That you’re depending on me again”, Ash explains, and Goh casts his gaze away. “When did you depend on me before?”
There’s another moment of silence before Goh finally braces himself to reply.
“When we first travelled together. That’s partially the reason why I wanted to go on our own journeys. I started to feel like I can’t do anything on my own because you were always with me. You always meddled into anything, into my battles and–”.
“Oh, hold on. You’re not serious right now. When did I meddle into something you didn’t want to? I always backed off whenever you wanted me to. No matter if it was you battling with Suicune, or you battling against Zapdos. I was always in the background during your Project Mew missions, always backing you up and supporting you, but I never got into your way”.
Goh bites his lips because he knows Ash is right. He never interfered with something Goh didn’t ask him to, but still–
“You did when I wanted to leave Raboot in Hoenn”, Goh quietly admits, and Ash’s eyes widen.
“Ohhh, right, cause seeing you almost leave your most important partner Pokemon behind was such a delight to see”, Ash sarcastically muses before he continues. “Seriously, Goh, why is it so hard for you to understand that it’s okay to accept someone else's help? If I didn’t meddle, you would’ve left Raboot behind and you would’ve lost someone who really cares about you. Sometimes you just need a little push to understand what you’re doing is wrong”.
“But I was even thinking about you when I was facing Mew, how pathetic it will be when you come back with the trophy and I come back with… nothing. I was so weak, I still am. That’s why I think I shouldn’t depend on you too much”, Goh quietly states. He feels a fresh wave of tears gathering in his eyes, and Gary finally interrupts the conversation, understanding something.
“Hold on a second, it’s about Project Mew, isn’t it?”, Gary asks, coming out from his hiding spot, and Goh looks down. “You thought of doing it again after I mentioned it, but you knew that Ash wouldn’t be thrilled about you wanting to go alone, right?”
“And he’s so right about it, there’s no way I’m letting him do it again”, Ash interrupts, and Goh looks at him offended, with tears in his eyes.
“I don’t think I need your permission, Ash. I can do what I want”, Goh says, visibly upset, and Ash shakes his head.
“But I didn’t say we can’t do it together”, Ash proposes, but Goh rolls his eyes. Ash doesn’t get it, doesn’t he?
“Did you even hear what I said? I said that I’m depending on you too much. Why do you always have to meddle into anything? Don’t you see how Mew is important to me? That’s my dream, and I want to achieve it alone”, Goh slowly loses patience for Ash, and the boy just frowns at his words.
“You don’t need to achieve it alone. It’s okay to share your dreams and achievements with your friends and loved ones”, Ash says, and Goh feels the anger bottling inside him again. “Besides, these missions are way too dangerous to face them alone, I don’t wanna lose you”.
“You’re so selfish right now”, Goh angrily says, and Ash’s eyes widen in shock. He blinks a few times before he calmly says as he stands up. He’s way too upset right now to be here anymore.
“I…wanted to lose my title for you, but you’re right, maybe I am selfish. I’d rather have you here safe and sound than lose you on some fucking dangerous mission. Losing you and not being able to help is something I don’t wanna face, but maybe you’re too stubborn to fully understand it yet, or maybe you just don’t care. I always put you first”, Ash walks away a few steps, before he stops and turns away to face Goh again. He’s facing Goh’s back instead, because the boy doesn’t dare to turn around and meet Ash’s upset gaze. “Maybe you really should be doing it all on your own. Maybe we should part ways again. Maybe some distance will knock some sense into you”.
Ash walks away, and Goh’s body starts to shake and he cries hard. He takes the necklace from the grass and holds it close to his chest as he sobs even harder.
His biggest nightmare turns into reality.
Ash is gonna leave him, and he isn’t doing anything to stop Ash from walking away.
It’s not supposed to end this way.
Goh bites his lips. It’s the bitter taste of losing everything he’s held so dear.
Goh lets out a frustrated scream as Ash walks away, and the necklace he holds falls from his hand again like it would be burning him.
What happened?
Why isn’t he doing anything to stop Ash from walking away? From leaving him?
Goh, what happened?
He hasn’t done anything to stop Ash, and now it’s too late.
Goh, what’s wrong?
Ash walked away. Ash has left him. His last words still ringing in his head as he cries hard.
Goh?
Maybe he really should be doing it all on his own. He deserves to be alone.
Goh, baby, wake up.
Goh wakes up to someone shaking him and saying his name like a mantra. He’s scared and sweaty, his breathing is absolutely raged. But he’s not in the park, he’s in his and Ash’s room instead. In bed. His necklace hangs on his neck as it always was. Gary isn’t here, but Ash is, sitting next to him, alert and worried. Goh turns to face him, and he sees brown, concerned eyes looking at him, not angry and upset. Ash still grips his shoulder, but he lets go when he sees how startled Goh is.
“Are you okay? You were screaming”, Ash whispers to not disturb the Pokemon’s sleep, but their sleep was already interrupted by Goh’s scream anyway, because they woke up and are looking worriedly at Goh to see what’s going on. Grookey and Eevee come closer, but Ash extends his hand to let them know to not to come too close and to let Goh calm down on his own. They stop in their tracks as they sit next to Pikachu instead, still close enough so Goh can feel their comforting presence.
“I think I had a bad dream”, Goh says, still breathing heavily, and Ash kisses him atop of his head, intertwining their fingers together to offer some comfort.
Goh stares for a few minutes into the dark distance before Ash lays them both on the bed again, Goh atop of his chest. He stares now at the ceiling instead, being afraid of closing his eyes to see the nightmare again. Ash moves his hand gently through Goh’s hair to soothe him as he whispers a soft it was just a dream. Eevee and Grookey cuddle next to Goh to offer some comfort too, and Goh pets Eevee with slow moves, matching Ash’s hand pace in his own hair.
Tiredness takes over him as he finally closes his eyes, but it’s hard to erase the image of brown, angry and upset eyes looking at him, telling him to go. He opens his eyes again as his body shakes a little at the dream memory, and Ash hugs him even tighter if that’s possible.
“It was just a dream”, Ash repeats reassuringly, and Goh exhales a shaky breath.
Yeah, it was just a dream.
🌸
Somehow, Goh had managed to fall asleep, and now he wakes up to Ash moving his hand through his hair in slow, but comforting moves – like Ash would never stop doing it since he had woken up from the nightmare hours ago. He melts further into Ash’s embrace, and Ash chuckles as he hugs Goh tighter.
Goh pouts as Ash has stopped moving his hand through his hair, and Ash laughs again. “I can’t do two things at once”.
“I know”, Goh breathes out. “But I–”
“Shh, I know. I’m here”, Ash whispers as he kisses Goh’s temple, and it helps to keep his racing mind at ease for a little bit.
Goh closes his eyes again, only to open them when he sees angry and upset brown eyes looking at him again.
How much of that stuff Ash would really tell him, though?
And Goh opens his mouth to voice out his concerns, but Ash cuts him off.
“You don’t need to tell me any of it”.
Goh sighs. “But I feel like I should”.
“Only if you want to and if you’re ready”, Ash gently smiles, and Goh shifts uncomfortably, but he takes a deep breath before he utters.
“So um, we had some misunderstandings”.
Oh.
“You broke up with me. You told me we should part ways”.
Oh.
A sob. “You walked away. You let me go”.
Ash hugs Goh tighter as he kisses him atop his head. He whispers comforting words to his ear, even if there’s a 90% chance that Goh doesn’t hear him through his loud sobs. He uses one of his hands to stop the tears from falling, even if it becomes harder with each second. He wipes them constantly, even if a new wave of them is falling from Goh’s eyes.
Goh tells Ash the rest of the dream through his sobs and hiccups. Ash stops to try to wipe Goh’s tears altogether, but he keeps both of his hands firmly secured around Goh’s waist. He lets the boy let out everything he needs before he’s ready to do his part – comfort and reassure him with all he can.
“Man, your dream me is so cruel”, Ash states when Goh is feeling a bit calmer. His hiccups still fill the room, but the tears stopped streaming at least. “There’s no way I would ever leave you”.
“Yeah?”, Goh makes sure, looking up at Ash, and the boy chuckles before he places a soft kiss on Goh’s forehead.
“I’ll be here with you until you kick me out of your life”, Ash laughs, before he gets serious. He lifts Goh’s chin with one of his fingers so their eyes can completely meet. “But in all seriousness…I don’t think you ever depended on me as much as you thought you were. Everything you achieved is all of your effort, and sure, I was there with you, but just like the dream me said – to back you up and support you. And that’s all, everything else was your effort, your hand throwing the Pokeball, your voice giving the commands to your Pokemon. I didn’t do anything besides supporting you in what you were doing. So yeah, I don’t think I meddled that much. Well, yeah, I agree with the Hoenn thing though, I couldn’t just watch and let you leave your friend behind and let you make the biggest mistake of your life – that was the only time I truly felt like I had to meddle. Oh, and maybe when you decided to get Kingdra and you went into that whirlpool on your own, oh that was, that was scary back then”, Ash says the last words quietly. He clears his throat before he continues. “But other than that, I didn’t need to meddle into anything because I always trusted you in what you’re doing. But even if you knew what you were doing, I have to admit one thing…even if I trusted you, I would absolutely meddle if things would go out of control”.
Goh chuckles before he places a soft peck on Ash’s lips. “Figured, you always looked out for me”.
“Someone had to”, Ash smiles as he intertwines their hands together.
“I don’t think I would want to go alone, though”, Goh confesses, and Ash tilts his head. “If I would want to join Project Mew again, I mean. I always love your company and your support”.
“I actually think even if you didn’t let me join, I would tie myself to you”, Ash winks, and Goh laughs. “That’s one of the things I agree with the dream me”.
Goh nods. He expected as much, and he’s not upset about it as he was in the dream.
“And you really don’t need to be alone to achieve your dreams. I always want to be with you to support you, and to see how happy you are becoming closer and closer to achieving it”, Ash says as he lets go of their intertwined hands, and before Goh can make any form of protest, Ash takes a few of Goh’s hair strands and starts to make a little braid from them. “Besides, do you really need such a dangerous thing as Project Mew to meet Mew again? It can be anywhere. When I met it–”
“Ugh, don’t remind me that you met it”, Goh playfully pushes Ash, and he pouts as the braid he was making from Goh’s hair got ruined. Well, he needs to start over again.
“You met it, too. And you even got to hold it in the palm of your hand”, Ash muses as he focuses again on the braid, and Goh smiles. “Gary told me a lot about that mission and I know some stuff you didn’t mention”.
Goh’s smile fades as he looks down at his hands. “How much do you kn–”
“Well, enough that I wouldn’t let you go by yourself, even if I trust you. At least now that you’re the future I hold in the palm of my hand. I really wouldn’t want to lose you”, Ash says with a lot of seriousness in his voice, and Goh rolls his eyes. Even if the dream Ash and his Ash are different, they still are pretty similar in some aspects.
“Standing in front of a Hyper Beam, what made you think that it was a good idea, huh?”, Ash mumbles to himself, finishing the little braid on Goh’s hair, but Goh hears him just fine. He glances at Ash before he says.
“Well, I might’ve taken an inspiration from a certain someone when he stood in front of two Hyper Beams to save a bunch of Ivysaur”, Goh teasingly says, and Ash sheepishly laughs.
“Maybe Chloe was right when she said I’m rubbing off on you”, Ash says in thought, and it’s Goh’s turn to laugh.
“Yeah, maybe she was”, Goh chuckles, and Ash intertwines their hands together.
“I don’t know if I’m happy or terrified that my recklessness rubs off on you”, Ash admits, and Goh laughs again, putting their threaded hands on Ash’s chest near the locket.
There’s a few minutes of silence before Goh meets Ash’s eyes and he whispers.
“You won’t”, Goh promises, and Ash tilts his head. You won’t lose me. There’s a familiar spark in Ash’s eyes, and Goh seals the promise with a kiss. He connects their lips together in a soft kiss. When they pull away, Goh admires the little braid that Ash has just made from his hair.
“Did Chloe give you some braiding lessons?”, Goh chuckles, and Ash laughs as well.
“No, but I have to admit, you look beautiful like that. Maybe you should braid your hair more often”, Ash playfully says straight into his ear, and Goh feels the heat and blush creeping on his face.
Goh blinks a few times before he hits him with the pillow.
“Ouch. What was that for?”, Ash scowls in pretend pain, and Goh scoffs.
“For saying such stuff to me”, Goh says, embarrassed, and Ash laughs before he pulls Goh into yet another kiss.
🌸
It only feels this raw right now
Lost in the labyrinth of my mind
Break up, break free, break through, break down
You would break your back to make me break a smile