Chapter Text
It had all started a week ago.
“I could come with you,” Eddie had offered. He was drying the dishes while Buck washed them after dinner at the Diaz’s household.
“Hm?”
“Dinner at Maddie’s, with your folks. I could come.”
“Oh, yeah. Maddie offered. But I’d rather not,” Buck had replied, nonchalantly.
“Buck?”
“Listen, it never goes well, dinner with my parents. And I don’t like the person I am around them. I don’t think I want you to see me like this.”
“Eh, Evan?” Eddie forced him to put the plate and the sponge down, before putting a hand where Buck’s neck and shoulder meet, to turn him around to face Eddie. “There’s nothing you can do or say that would change the way I see you, okay? I’m not saying I have to come if you really don’t want me there, but if you feel like it could help if I was, I want you to consider it.”
Buck held his gaze, something soft in it. Eddie also saw the brief shift down to his lips, but it was so quick, he didn’t even count it. It had been happening more and more since he had come back from El Paso, and he didn’t want to put a stop to it.
He’d rather actually encourage it.
His thumb pressed against Buck’s skin, right underneath the hem of his collar.
“I know, Eds. Thank you,” Buck eventually said. “But I’d rather sit this one out. Maybe next time, depending how it goes.”
And well… it went, that’s for sure.
It wasn’t that late when there was a knock at his front door.
Chris was curled up on the armchair, leading a hard-fought battle against sleep, that he was losing anyway. Jee was fully passed out on the sofa, face smouched against the fabric, hair thrown all over, not even reacting when Eddie stood up.
He wasn’t surprised to see Chimney first when he opened the door, Buck standing behind him, looking back at the street, so Eddie was unable to see his face.
And Eddie really wanted to see his face. Because Chimney’s expression didn’t announce anything good.
“Hey,” Eddie said. “Alright?”
Chim literally made a grimace, pulling his head between his shoulders.
That bad, uh?
Eddie wanted to ask immediately, but also, Chris was still awake, and he wanted to hear it from Buck.
“Let me get Jee. She passed out ten minutes in Tangled, which is quite rude, by the way.”
“Yeah, she’s not really into princesses at the moment,” Chim said with a tired chuckle.
Eddie picked up Jee from the sofa without waking her up, as she was boneless, completely out of it.
Chim had followed him inside, and they did the transfer from Eddie’s arms to Chim’s, and she nuzzled against her father’s chest with a huff.
Chim’s face did something so soft, like he was on the verge of crying.
“Thanks again, Eddie,” Chim finally told Eddie, looking up, eyes shiny.
“Eh, it’s not problem, man,” Eddie replied with a tap on the arm. “Is- is everything okay?”
“No, not really. It was bad, I wished you would have been there. You could have yelled back at them.”
Eddie didn’t like that one bit.
“Did they scream at you and Maddie? At Buck?”
“Eh, he’ll tell you more. Just… he might try to say he’s fine, but don’t listen to him, okay? And most importantly, don’t let him go back to the loft to be on his own. Maddie will kill us both if Buck is alone tonight.”
“Wasn’t planning on it.”
“Good night, Eddie. And thanks again, for…” Chim lifted his arms full of Jee, and Eddie shook his head again.
“Eh, as I said, not a problem. Whenever you want, yeah?”
As they moved back towards the entrance, finally Buck took that moment to enter the Diaz’s household. As Chim and him passed each other, Chim about to say something, Buck bent down and dropped a kiss on Jee’s temple, while one of his hands ran through her fine, silky hair.
It almost got Jee-Yun to wake up, reaching to grab who she knew was her favourite person, but Chim scooped around before.
“Nope, go back to sleep, sleepy baby,” he said into his daughter’s hair.
“Sorry,” Buck mumbled.
“Nothing to be sorry for. Come over after next shift, so she can also beat you at Mario Kart,” Chim tried to joke, but Buck’s attempt at a smile didn’t even lift the corner of his mouth. Eddie’s chest constricted.
“I don’t know, she showed us some moves she said she got from her Uncle Buck,” Eddie said.
“Well, there needs to be a rematch between the mentor and the mentee.”
Buck still didn’t react much, a slight frown in between in brows, as if he was lost in thoughts.
“Buck?” Chris called from the armchair, finally getting Buck’s attention.
“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” Chimney said with a tight expression. “Good night, Eddie.”
“Night, man. Careful on the road. Text me when you and Jee get home.”
“I will.”
And with that, it was just Eddie, Chris and Buck.
Buck, who stood in the middle of the living room as if he had never been there before, not knowing what to do with himself.
“Buck?” Chris called again.
“Mijo, I think Buck’s tired. Why don’t you get ready for bed, and we’ll come say goodnight.”
Chris didn’t reply at first, not even acknowledging what Eddie had said. But eventually, he nodded before standing up. On his way out of the living room, he stopped by Buck, and caught him in a tight hug.
Eddie thought for a moment that Buck wasn't going to react, but the moment Chris’ arms wrapped around his middle, Buck folded like a cheap towel, completely enfolding Chris in his embrace. He was obviously still much bigger than him, but it made Buck appear so much smaller than he really was.
From his stand point, Eddie could now see Buck’s face fully, as it was resting on top of Chris’s head, in his curls. His eyes were closed tight, his jaw locked like he was holding back something.
They stayed like that for a long while, much longer than Eddie could have ever imagined. Chris was well into fourteen now, not much of a hugger anymore. And when it happened, it was always a quick, side one. So Eddie was really surprised Chris wasn't even the first one to let go.
“I love you, Buck,” Chris’s voice, muffled, came through the hug.
That seemed to get Buck out of his torpor, taking a deep inhale. It also made him let go of the hug. Chris didn’t release his hold, though, just lifting his head to look at Buck.
“I love you too, Chris,” Buck replied, the first words he had said since he had come back from dinner with his parents, his eyes so full of tenderness.
And Eddie got struck by lightning right then and there, as he witnessed something so profound, of his two favourite people, the two half-pieces of his heart, holding onto each other.
“Can we go to the planetarium, tomorrow?” Chris asked. “We could try their new VR thing.”
Buck- Buck smiled. So warm, so full of love, fully crinkling his eyes.
“Yeah. If- if there’s nothing else, yeah, I would love to.”
“There’s nothing, right?” Chris said, still holding onto Buck, while turning his face towards Eddie. Buck followed his lead, and now, both of them looked at him, and Eddie could cry.
“You did mention going to Jensen’s.” Eddie felt bad, but he wanted to make sure that no hearts would be broken tomorrow, after a night to sleep on it.
“It’s fine, I’ll go another day. I’ve done some of my homework, already. Buck was going to help me with the rest anyway,” Chris replied so nonchalantly, like there was no problem.
“Then, sure. We’ll go.”
“Great,” Chris said, now satisfied, “goodnight, Buck!” Chris unwrapped himself from Buck, and started to go back towards the bathroom and his bedroom. “ ‘night, dad!” he called, not even looking back.
Eddie raised his arms in slight offense.
“Am I like, bad milk or something?” he thought out loud. Buck didn’t react, his eyes still around the corner where Chris had disappeared. “Hey,” Eddie called his attention. He also had moved to stand closer to Buck, almost in arm’s reach. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Buck lied, turning to look Eddie in the eyes, as if he wouldn’t notice the truth laid down for him to see.
“Buck-“ Eddie said, stepping closer, in Buck’s personal space now. He also put a hand at the same place he always did, at the junction between throat and shoulder, more on the skin than the shirt that Buck was wearing.
Under his fingers, he could feel the rapid thrum of Buck’s heart, as well as the clamminess of Buck’s skin, like he had sweated loads and it had started to dry out a bit.
“I don’t-“ Buck started to say, but he choked before he could go any further, his face twisting in almost pain as he repressed the emotion that threatened to boil over.
“Eh, it’s good, okay? I know you probably don’t want to talk about it tonight, and I would let you get away with it if I didn’t think it would keep you from sleeping, yeah? So get out what needs to get out, then we’ll go say goodnight to Chris and go to bed.”
Eddie sincerely didn’t think it was going to work. He really had anticipated resistance, for Buck to deny it, to fight him on it.
Instead, Buck gulped air like he was drowning, and almost fell into Eddie’s arms. Arms that came to wrap him so quickly, to make sure he wouldn’t fall and disappear into a puddle on the floor.
The hand Eddie had on his shoulder move to the back of his neck, at the base of his skull, holding him there, forcing his forehead to rest on Eddie’s shoulder, while the other came to rest in the middle of Buck’s back, fingers splayed wide, in case it helped Buck to feel anchored. If not to the ground, to Eddie.
Buck’s face didn’t stay against Eddie’s shoulder, but came to borrow against his throat. Eddie held him there with a gentle firmness so that he wouldn’t change his mind and move away.
But Buck didn’t try anything, just hanging onto Eddie like a lifeline, his own hands gripping at Eddie’s shirt like a lifeline. His breathing was still rapid, until it stopped. Eddie moved his hand to the side, so that the tip of his fingers could reach Buck’s pulse point, and he waited.
Waited, and waited, and waited.
Eddie started to tense, until Buck finally pulled in a big gulp of air, right by Eddie’s collarbone, his lips grazing the thin and sensitive skin there. Eddie squeezed him tighter, move returned by Buck, taking another deep breath. It came out shaky, but his breathing pattern also had drastically slowed down, and even his heartbeat was starting to calm down.
Eddie turned his face to the side, his own lips resting against Buck’s temple, right by the birthmark, and he breathed in. Let his own panic recede, closing his eyes as his fingers on Buck’s skin moved in an infinite pattern along his skin.
After another deep inhale, Buck started to push back.
To Eddie’s relief, his eyes were brighter than they had been since he had arrived, less dull. His cheekbones were reddish, and his hairline looked a bit damp, but Eddie knew that stress and panic attacks came in hot flushes for Buck. So he didn’t let it worry him too much, while also knowing he was going to keep an eye on it in the near future.
“I’m good,” Buck finally said, voice rough, but also livelier, “thanks.”
Eddie had not let go of him yet, holding his gaze.
“Nothing to thank me for. So, tell me at least what you need to know to reassure you,” Eddie said sternly, and that made Buck chuckle a bit, closing his eyes, sighing again, letting go of more of the panic. He looked exhausted, but also a bit relieved.
“Nothing. You’re there. It’s all I need.”
Eddie wanted to strangle him for saying stuff like that, like it didn’t mean anything. It must show on his face when Buck reopened his eyes to look at his silence.
“My dad said stuff. The usual. It’s almost comedic villain, anyway. There’s not point lingering on it.”
“Let me decide of that.”
“They don’t like that the firefighter job takes so much from families. But that was fine for me, because I don’t have one.”
“Have what?” Eddie asked, confused, but more like his brain was forcefully keeping a key information from him, as protection. Maybe for his own heart health, or something.
“A family.”
“What about it?”
“I don’t have one, according to my father,” Buck said with a small smile at Eddie’s refusal to understand, while also rushing to second part of the sentence.
Eddie’s eyelids batted in confusion, letting his brain take on the words, chew on them, so that he was certain of what it meant.
And indeed, in his chest, his heart did something not safe or sane or healthy.
“I-“
“There’s nothing you can say that Maddie or Chim haven’t said, already. Also, I know, okay? Christopher… I have Christopher, I have…
you-“
“-me,” they said at the same time. Eddie was frowning, because Buck had taken too long to say it. “You have me. What the fuck does that mean, anyway? Do they think we extinguish fires by making sacrifices to the gods? That we pick probies so we have virgins to appease them-“
“Well, if that was the case, ‘wouldn’t work with me-“
“It’s your blood that is virgin, tonto,” Eddie almost snarled, but Buck was laughing. Eddie, with still his hand on the back of his head, his fingers still on his fragile throat, leaned closer to feel the rumble of the laugh in his chest too.
“Oh, Eddie, you’re so funny,” Buck said with a deep tenderness. “How do you even know about the real meaning of the blood of a virgin but refuse to believe in jinxes or curses.”
“Common sense,” Eddie deadpanned, making Buck chuckle again, his lips shaped into his beautiful sunny smile. Eddie wanted to-
“Well, I don’t care, what they think anyway. It’s stupid. And even if it was true, as Chim said, he was also single without a partner and child, once, and thank god he didn’t die then.”
“My god, that dinner made you all insane. What does that even mean?” Eddie whined at the horrors he was hearing.
“Well, I think he was trying to say-“
“I know what he was trying to say, Buck. I’m saying what the fuck?”
Buck hummed.
“Yeah, Maddie said something along the line.”
“Well, thank god, then. One Buckley with some logical thinking skills.”
Buck hummed again, still looking at Eddie’s with a tired smile on. It did reach his eyes though, that was a win at least.
“You know you have a family, right? Beyond the fucked-up idea that people without family can die- that’s eugenics, by the way-“
“That’s not what eugenics mean,” Buck laughed.
“Isn’t it about the disposability of people because they are in no use to the capitalist society system we are in?”
“Oh so you were listening-“
“Well, also I have a child with CP, you have no idea what the horrors people said to Shannon after the diagnostic. No one said it to my face, really, but it was implied.”
Buck’s expression had turned sour.
“Who-“
“What, you’re gonna fight them all, Buckley? You think I didn’t try?”
Buck didn’t reply, something like defiance in his eyes, and Eddie wanted to-
“The point is, you have a family. Not them, never them- but you have the 118, you have Maddie, you have Jee, that’s your family. And Chris is your kid, too anyway. People believe you’re more related to him than I am. So fuck your dad, yeah? Fuck your parents, that wouldn’t know about love without blood, because they weren't even able to have that. You deserved better, and I’m sorry it was them. I’m sorry both you and Maddie had to endure that.”
“At least we have each other,” Buck said.
“Exactly.”
They stayed in a comfortable silence for a moment longer, still holding onto each other. The thought of being so close to one another was on the edge of Eddie’s mind, but he refused to linger on it.
“Can we sleep, now? And we’re supposed to say goodnight to Chris,” Buck pointed out.
“I think he might be out for the count,” Eddie said sheepishly.
“That’s okay, I can tell him again that I love him tomorrow.”