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After Lilah's diagnosis, Caitlyn thought that the hardest thing would be supporting her, and accommodating her needs. Caitlyn's now realised that that's actually the easy bit. The hardest bit is overcoming her own ingrained fears.
Lilah looked up to Cait, in every way possible. She saw her as her North Star, brighter than all the rest, and Caitlyn was honored to be that person for her.
But after only getting a diagnosis at eighteen, she still carries a lot of judgment towards herself and her autistic traits. She had learned from a young age the things that made her different were things she needed to hide and be ashamed of, or else she would be bullied. She still fears that if someone were to ever find out that she’s autistic, they would view her differently and despise everything about her. Being diagnosed helped her in a lot of ways, but it also brought a new found pressure. The community had always been so open, and she was repeatedly told that her traits that made living harder was a ‘superpower’ and something she should be proud of. But she didn’t feel proud having screaming matches with her wife after a slight change in plan. She didn’t feel proud crying herself to sleep after an awkward conversation. She didn’t feel proud about being different.
She felt tired all of the time.
Masking was how she survived with a mother who despised her being different, and now she was suddenly meant to stop? She felt like a fraud in her own community. She didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere.
Having gone her whole life without a single accommodation, she didn’t feel like she needed to start now. She knows she can handle it, it may cause a panic attack or two but she can still handle it.
But with an autistic child, she isn't allowed to feel that way. She's not allowed to feel ashamed anymore, because it doesn't just affect her, but her daughter as well.
So the hardest part about Lilah's autism diagnosis is not accommodating her, but learning to accommodate herself.
–
Caitlyn awoke with the sun's beams in her eyes. The left side of her bed was empty and cold, her wife nowhere to be found. Anger quickly rose as she looked at the time to see she had completely overslept, and she was behind on schedule. She ignored her stomach cramping and her pounding headache like she did every morning. It had somehow become part of her daily routine.
Her irritation lessened when she saw the sight of her wife and daughter downstairs. They sat opposite each other at the table, Vi sipping her morning coffee and Lilah diving into a stack of homemade pancakes. Lilah was grinning from ear to ear, and Vi wore a similar expression. Vi's eyes lit up when she saw Caitlyn.
"Morning, Cupcake. I've saved you some pancakes," she greeted.
"Why didn't you wake me?" She spoke carefully, trying not to let the anger show through. Her insides were trying its hardest to bury her emotions until they would become nonexistent. It was taking longer than it should.
"You looked so cute sleeping, I couldn't do it. Plus you need all the sleep you can get," Vi explained. "And Lilah doesn't mind if we leave later than expected. Right, Firecracker?"
"Nope," she grinned with a mouth full of food. "I got pancakes!"
"They do smell delicious,” Caitlyn admitted.
"Come sit and I'll get you some."
Caitlyn obliged, reluctantly. She still had a hard time not letting her plans get in the way of having a good time. Planning meant she was in control, and she liked being in control.
"What are you hoping to find in the city today?" Caitlyn asked Lilah.
"I really hope they have the new cat figure co-llec-tion! It's so cool!" She stimmed happily.
"Ah yes! I've heard you talk about that. You do deserve a treat for being so good at school the other day."
"Yes!"
"What about clothing wise? It's the main reason why we're going. You're growing so fast most of your clothes no longer fit you."
Lilah frowned. "Clothes are boring. I don't want any clothes."
"After we get you some clothes, you can go in the toy shop and buy any toy you like," Caitlyn offered, biting into her pancakes in front of her.
"Okay! Yay! I want the cat one,” she said again.
"You can get the cat one," Caitlyn smiled.
Lilah was growing up so fast, too fast for her liking. She wasn't looking forward to the dreaded teenage years, when she no longer only wanted figurines.
It took longer for Caitlyn to get ready to leave than normal. Her brain was stuck on the fact that they were leaving later than planned. She wanted to scream at Vi for not waking her up, and throw her alarm on the floor for not working. But she was the only one to blame, and fighting would not fix anything.
It seemed like Lilah was having similar issues.
"But where are we going?" Lilah whispered, voice now so small.
"We're going to drive for about twenty minutes into the city, and then visit the clothes shops they have there. You may have to try on a few things while we're there but it won't take too long. Then, we can go to the toy shop," Vi explained in detail.
"But, but I don't want to get more clothes. I like my clothes."
"And you'll still have your clothes. You'll just have other options as well."
"But- but." Lilah groaned frustratedly, covering her eyes.
"Hey, it's okay. What are you worried about?" Caitlyn asked gently.
"You said it's going to be loud."
"I did. But we practised the other day with your headphones. You said it's not too loud with them on."
"I don't want to wear them," Lilah mumbled.
"Why not?"
"No one else wears them. It's not fair that I have to," Lilah complained.
Caitlyn turned completely still.
"Other people don't have to wear them because they don't need to. But it helps you with the noise of the busy shops, and I'm sure you'd rather that than get overwhelmed by all the noise," Vi explained.
"But it isn't fair."
"How about I wear my headphones too, that way we'll be matching, and you won't be the only one wearing them," Caitlyn offered, regretting it when it came out of her mouth.
Lilah's eyes grew. "Really?"
"Of course. You know, I hate how loud the shops are as well."
Lilah nodded, and agreed to carry her headphones to the car.
"That's kind of you," Vi told Caitlyn.
"Yeah well, if it gets her to wear them," she brushed off like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing, it was a massive deal. Caitlyn had never worn her ear defenders outside of her own home, her own room. That was the rules. For eighteen years she didn't need them, so she never used them. She felt anxious just thinking about it.
It's for Lilah, she reminded herself.
It's for Lilah.
--
The first clothing shop they visited was busy and loud, as expected. Caitlyn was almost glad she had her headphones on.
They went to the kids section and picked out a few items for Lilah to try on. Vi and Lilah went into the changing room while Caitlyn waited outside, as it was only big enough for the two of them. They returned empty handed.
“Nothing there that you liked?” Caitlyn asked Lilah.
“No, they all felt yucky. I like my old clothes,” Lilah sniffed.
“I know. But maybe in the other shop you’ll find something you like,” Caitlyn supplied.
Caitlyn led them into her favourite clothes shop. She had gotten all of her clothes from here ever since she was little. There were less people in here than in the other shop. Lilah was clearly bored and uninterested while Caitlyn and Vi searched through the isles of clothes. That was until something caught her eye.
“Kitty!” she screamed in excitement. She rushed over to the rainbow shirt with a cat printed on it. “Can I have this! Can I have this Mummy!”
“Of course.” Caitlyn found the shirt in her size. “Shall we keep looking to see if we can find anything else.”
Caitlyn continued to run her hands over the racks of clothing, to test what shirts are a good texture. She would then ask Lilah if she liked how they felt. Caitlyn found that Lilah refused to wear anything if it wasn’t a texture she liked, so she always checked with her first. She hated when her mother would buy her clothes without asking her first, and then being forced to wear scratchy clothes just because it looked nice.
In the end, they had found three shirts and a pair of trousers to try on. Caitlyn went into the changing rooms this time with her.
“Let's start with the cat shirt.”
Caitlyn helped an eager Lilah into the shirt. “How does that feel?”
“I love it!” Lilah grinned, staring at herself in the mirror.
“I’m glad to hear it. Shall we do the pink one next?”
“Okay.”
Lilah stood awkwardly in the new shirt.
“Do you like that one?” Caitlyn asked.
“There’s no cat,” Lilah frowned.
“No, there isn’t. But what about the texture? Do you like how it feels? Does it fit alright?”
“I guess,” Lilah commented.
“What’s wrong?”
“I haven’t worn something like this,” Lilah faltered.
“It’s definitely something new. But I think it looks good on you. Would you mind wearing it around the house?”
“I want to wear my cat one!”
“And you will. But sometimes that one will need to go in the wash, and it’s good to have other options,” Caitlyn explained.
Lilah huffed, covering her eyes. “I don’t know.”
Caitlyn bent down to her level. “Hey, Lilah. How are you feeling?”
“I want to go to the toy shop,” she complained. To some, it may have seemed rude and spoiled, but Caitlyn knew how hard she was trying to stay patient. Especially in the overwhelming shopping centre.
“We’re going to go there soon, just one more shop to go. But how are you feeling? Can you remember any of the words that Sky’s taught you?”
Lilah thought for a moment. “Tired.”
“That makes sense, it's been tiring looking around these shops. One more clothes shop and then we’re done,” Caitlyn said, softly. “We don’t need to buy these other shirts if you don’t want them. How about we buy several of the cat shirts so if one’s in the wash you can still wear it.”
“Yes!”
The three of them left the shop with four of the same cat shirt. Then they headed for the last clothes shop of the day.
“I’m afraid this will be quite boring. Me and Mummy need more boring work clothes,” Vi said.
Lilah frowned.
“But it won’t take too long,” Caitlyn added.
The shop was quite small for the amount of people in it. It was hard to get around, let alone find the clothes they wanted. Lilah gripped Caitlyn’s hand tightly as Vi flicked through the men’s button up shirts.
Lilah peeled her headphones off and carried them in her hands, Caitlyn noticing immediately.
“Hey, why have you taken your headphones off?” Caitlyn asked.
“They’re stupid! I can still hear all the noise!” she cried. She threw the headphones on the floor, and resorted to covering her ears with her hands instead. Vi picked them up and tried to hand them to her again, but she wouldn’t take it.
“How about you wear mine instead? They block out a lot more noise,” Caitlyn offered her her own headphones. Caitlyn was met with the high amount of the noise in the shop, and she understood why Lilah didn’t like it. “They may feel a bit big.”
Caitlyn’s headphones seemed to calm her down, but she didn’t want to risk overwhelming her anymore.
“We’re going to go to the toy shop now, okay?” she reminded Lilah.
She nodded, but her frown didn’t change.
Vi successfully found a shirt, and they moved to pay.
“What about your new shirt? You’ve been saying for ages that it’s too-”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll make do,” Caitlyn brushed off. Lilah was her priority, and three busy shops had been one too many.
After paying, they made their way to the toy shop. When they arrived, Lilah immediately rushed to where she knew the figurines would be.
“They have it! They have the cats!” Lilah chanted. She grabbed the box that was way too big for her, and showed it to her parents.
“That’s so cool, Firecracker! Where’s that gonna go in your collection?” Vi asked excitedly.
“Next to the white cats and with the gecko’s,” she explained.
“Gecko’s? Since when did you have gecko’s?”
“I’ve got them all! Except for these ones! Which is why I need them.”
“Of course you can get them,” Caitlyn smiled. “You’ve been so good today.”
“Yay!”
Lilah waited eagerly in the line to pay.
“Ooh is this for you?” the cash register asked Lilah when scanning it through.
“Yes,” she replied shyly. “I’ve got all of them but that one.”
She wanted to tell the whole world.
“Wow! Quite the collector then aren’t you,” he smiled.
“I am! I’ve got them all now!”
–
Lilah ran inside as soon as they had returned home. Caitlyn helped open the packaging the figurines were in. She squealed when she held the four cats in her hands.
“Thanks Mummy! Thanks Mama!”
“You’re welcome, Honey. You were so well-behaved.”
Lilah carefully tore the headphones from her head and handed them to Caitlyn.
“Here you goes. I’m sorry for throwing mine on the floor.”
“That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to,” Caitlyn reassured.
“I’m gonna go play with these in my room.”
Lilah rushed upstairs, leaving Vi and Caitlyn on the sofa.
Caitlyn let out a sigh she didn’t know she was holding. “I’d say that went pretty well.”
“Did the four cat shirts tell you that?” Vi smirked.
“It might not have been exactly what we had in mind, but it’s still something. And I think she’s doing better at telling us how she feels. I’ll have to tell Sky that when I drop her off at school tomorrow.”
“Hey, listen. About that,” Vi said reluctantly. “I’ve heard some parents say stuff about us, and I wanted you to know in case you hear something too.”
“What?” Caitlyn asked, confused. “Why would they be talking about us?”
“You know how people are, love some gossip. Anyhow, I've heard some parents say they think we… spoil Lilah too much,” Vi scratched the back of her head as Caitlyn’s expression constorted.
“Who has said that?” she demanded, angrily.
“Just- people. It doesn’t matter. They're wrong anyway so don’t worry about it.”
“Why would anyone think that? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Well… we do give her what she wants most of the time.”
“So listening to our child’s wants is spoiling her now?” Caitlyn retaliated angrily.
“Of course not. People just parent differently, that’s all. All children are different and need different things,” Vi explained.
“How could we possibly be spoiling her? We did buy her the figurines but that’s a reward for being so good in school and at the shops. She didn’t have a meltdown and she told us how she felt. Our aim was to buy her new clothes, and even though she didn’t want any she still tried them on, and we left with new clothes. I mean did you hear how loud those shops were? Plus she’s wanted those figurines for ages,” Caitlyn lectured.
“I know, Cupcake. Some parents just don’t understand that some children are different-”
“Stop saying that. She’s going to learn that she’s different when she’s older. She doesn’t need us constantly reminding her of it when she hasn’t even gotten her pen licence yet,” Caitlyn argued.
“You’re right. I was just saying that parents are going to judge anyone who parents a little differently to them. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Sky said we’re doing perfect for Lilah and that’s all that matters.”
“What if they’re right? What if we are spoiling her?”
“We’re not spoiling her, we're accommodating her. I know you get a bit confused sometimes with what that means. But you do it so automatically it doesn’t even need to be a problem. I mean, you wore your headphones out in public for her, you’ve never done that ever!”
Caitlyn huffed. “You’re right. Sky did say that we’re doing okay. I’m sorry for arguing.”
“We’re not arguing, Baby. I understand where you’re coming from. But you don’t need to worry, you are doing an excellent job at adapting to her needs,” Vi reassured.
Caitlyn nodded, and for the first time she believed it was true. All of those years where she felt nothing but fear and self hatred were just that. A memory. She didn’t have to feel like that anymore. She had no reason to anymore. And although she was still masking, she began to make a bigger effort with accommodating herself. Just because she could put up and deal with it doesn’t mean she should have to.
She knows that now.