Archive of Our Own

“Are we forgetting anything?” Caitlyn asked, vision spinning around the living room. 

“No, Cupcake. I think that’s everything.”

Caitlyn and Vi were currently getting ready to leave for their first parents evening for their five year old daughter, Lilah. It was still half an hour away, but Caitlyn liked to arrive at any appointment ten minutes earlier. 

“Okay,” Caitlyn hummed. “We should probably start getting Lilah ready. I told Tobias we’d drop her off at quarter past.”

“Already on it.”

Vi moved up the stairs to Lilah’s room, Caitlyn still fiddling with the zipper of her bag. Vi returned with Lilah not soon after. 

“Mummy! Do you like my drawing!”

Caitlyn glanced up and spotted the colourful piece of paper Lilah was holding carefully in her hands.

“It’s amazing, Sweetheart. I love it. Can you get your shoes on so we can head to grandpa’s?”

“Why are we seeing Grandpa?”

“Remember, I told you that you’re staying there for a bit while Mama and I meet your teachers.”

“But I thought I would come with you.”

“I’m afraid children aren’t allowed to, but we’ll tell you all about it when we come back. We won’t be too long.”

Lilah nodded, and then moved to the shoe rack to put on her shoes. 

Vi held out one hand for Caitlyn to take.

“You know it’s going to be fine. Lilah’s such an intelligent and bright student, and her teacher loves her. She always talks about how well behaved she has been when I pick her up.”

“I know,” Caitlyn sighed. “I just get nervous about these kinds of things.”

“I know. But Lilah is an awesome girl. Any teacher will be lucky to have her.”

Lilah returned with her shoes on somewhat correctly. Caitlyn still had to do the velcro up. 

“Have you got everything?” Caitlyn asked Lilah.

“Wait, can I bring a figure?”

“Of course.”

Lilah had a whole collection of tiny cat figurines. They were Caitlyn’s before she passed them down to her. Now she won’t leave the house without carrying one in the palm of her hand. Not even for school.

They arrived at Tobias’s house, who was happy to see his loving granddaughter. Vi said they had a few minutes to spare before having to leave for the meeting. Caitlyn wasn’t happy about this, because by the time they arrived, they were only five minutes early, instead of ten. Caitlyn couldn’t go anywhere without planning the entire thing to the second. It meant nothing would go wrong if her plans followed through; however, it almost never did.

They rushed through the halls, Caitlyn speed walking and Vi following shortly behind. Vi was used to Caitlyn’s strict schedule, and just followed her lead to avoid arguments. 

Caitlyn slowed down to a normal walking speed when Lilah’s classroom came into sight. Mrs Medarda, Lilah’s teacher, was standing outside it.

“Mrs and Mrs Kiramman, so glad you could make it. You’re my next appointment. Would you like to take a seat?”

“Yes thank you,” Caitlyn responded kindly, still slightly out of breath from rushing down the halls.

Caitlyn and Vi took a seat opposite her desk. The room was extremely colourful, filled with children’s artwork and bright posters. Caitlyn cringed at the overwhelming, fluorescent lights that were slowly giving her a headache. She did not miss this.

“So Lilah is an amazing student. Very bright for her age. Her reading level is way above her expected age group, and she has no problem with any of the maths and english work we set. We believe that she’s on track to getting good grades in no time.”

“That’s great to hear! She’s been an avid reader since she was around two, and we always encourage her,” Vi said with pride.

“She’s a wonderful asset to the classroom. However, there are a few things I wanted to raise.”

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Caitlyn asked, thinking the worst before she could even explain.

“No it’s nothing like that. It’s just something we find commonly with intelligent students like Lilah. She can understand English well, no trouble reading or writing or listening, but when it comes to speaking, she seems to struggle with talking to other people. We’ve noticed that she’s made no friends yet, and even at opportunities she prefers to be alone. And even though she knows the answers to the questions, she doesn’t put her hand up in class.”

“Yeah, I mean, at home she talks a lot,” Vi offered.

“It’s nothing to be worried about. Some kids just take longer to come out of their shell, and this class is quite a loud and lively bunch. I just don’t want her to feel like she’s missing out.”

“Well there’s plenty of time to make friends,” Caitlyn states.

“Yes, that's true. I also did want to talk to you about something that happened the other day. I was wondering if you have ever noticed Lilah get upset when something changes?”

“Yes that does happen a lot,” Vi admitted.

“Well she got very upset when we changed the schedule from maths to art, which is completely out of character for her. She seems to love art. She refused to get involved, and when our teacher assistant asked what’s wrong, she started crying and banging the table. We took her outside for a moment, and that seemed to calm her down. So I just wanted to know if that's a common thing, and if there’s any ways we can help her.”

Caitlyn could feel her heart sink to her feet, and the way Vi’s eyes moved to Caitlyn’s for a split second. 

“It is a frequent thing at home. She gets upset at any changes to her routine, and any surprises no matter small. She usually resorts to hitting her surroundings and herself, so we’ve been trying to teach her ways to release her emotions that aren't harmful. And I know it’s not always possible, but telling her something’s going to change the day before normally helps,” Vi suggested. 

“Ah, I'll try that next time. Do you think giving her five minutes out of the classroom if she’s upset helps? I just want her to feel comfortable.”

“Yes,” Caitlyn spoke up. “Giving her a chance to step away from the environment that made her upset I think does make her feel better. So she isn’t reminded of it.”

“Okay. If there's any other suggestions on how to make her feel better, I'd love to know. She's a lovely student.”

“Yeah, we'll keep an eye out,” Vi said, cautiously sparing another glare to Caitlyn.

“It was great speaking with you both today. I'm afraid our time has run out, but I'm always at the gate if you need to speak with me,” Mrs Medarda said kindly. 

“Likewise,” Caitlyn stood up, wanting to be anywhere but under these god-forsaken lights. 

“See you on Monday,” Vi waved off. Caitlyn had already left before Vi could speak the words. Once again, Vi hurried to catch up with her. You'd think going to the gym twice a week would mean Vi had gotten faster, but nothing could beat Caitlyn's speed walk. 

It was dark  when they made their way outside to the car. Even darker when they closed the car door behind them.

“See? All fine,” Vi affirmed.

“Tell me, Violet, how any of that was ‘fine’?” Caitlyn's agitated voice sounded. 

“She thinks she's a wonderful student, and that's all that matters. We already knew about her outbursts and we're already doing everything we can to find a solution.”

“Y-yes but I didn't realise it was happening at school as well.”

“Mrs Medarda will support her if it happens again,” Vi comforted. 

“It shouldn't be happening in the first place, Vi. They're becoming way more frequent and more exhausting. I don't know how to help her.”

“Just support her through it, it's all we can do right now. Tantrums are normal for a girl her age.”

Caitlyn shook her head. “They don't look like tantrums.”

Vi's eyebrows furrowed. “Are you saying…meltdowns?”

“I don't know what I'm saying. I just want to go home.”

Vi nodded and started the engine.

Caitlyn didn’t realise how much Lilah’s outbursts looked like her own childhood meltdowns until Mrs Merdarda said something. She didn’t know why it took her so long, but something just clicked in her head. 

–

“What was I like as a child?” Caitlyn asked her father one afternoon. They rarely had alone time anymore as just the two of them, so when Vi followed Lilah upstairs to help her look for one of her stuffed animals, Caitlyn seized the opportunity. “It seems so long ago now I can’t remember.”

“Well I remember like it was yesterday. You were very headstrong, knew what you wanted and wouldn’t let anyone change your mind. Extremely smart and gifted, we had gotten you this toy one christmas where you had a fake gun and you’d have to shoot the cans. I don’t think you ever missed a shot. You had an eye for detail, that's for sure.”

“So there wasn’t anything…out of the ordinary?”

“Well looking back at it, now you’re diagnosed, there were definitely signs we missed.”

“Like what?”

“For starters, we definitely underestimated how much change affected you. We thought your meltdowns were because you were tired. We couldn’t quite understand why you would get so upset if we gave you the wrong plate. You’d rewatch the same movie over and over again for hours, and refuse anything differently. You didn’t like to wear anything other than those… questionably styled patterned leggings. And you were extremely shy, but most kids are. We just assumed you’d grow out of it.”

“When you say meltdowns, what were they like?”

“Oh the bane of me and your mother’s existence. You’d start screaming and scratching yourself. You wouldn’t let any of us touch you, even if we were out in public. It could last for hours before you grew tired, and then everything would stop and you’d rock back and forth until you fell asleep. It took you a while after until you could speak again. Definitely something I regret not getting looked at.”

“What did you do to help?” Caitlyn asked, fully invested in stories of her younger self. She couldn’t remember exactly what they were like, not because they were so long ago, but because her brain blocked those memories out. 

“We found that if we left you alone they didn’t last as long. You liked to be in the dark and you liked quiet. We brought you these headphones that you liked to wear during and afterwards. It stopped pretty soon after, when you were around eight.”

Caitlyn sighed, hearing Lilah’s voice echo from upstairs.

“Is there any reason why you’re asking?” Tobias questioned.

“We’re having a similar problem with Lilah. She has these outbursts, that mainly happen when something changes. There’s a lot of crying and a lot of hitting, and it’s happening at school too. We’re trying to find something that will help.”

“There’s not a lot you can do, but let it happen. I wouldn’t be too worried about it, a lot of children have outbursts when they’re upset. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“You just said you regret not getting it looked at.”

“Well, yeah, but it was because of the other stuff too. I always knew something was off, but Cassandra always brushed it off. It’s different when you know what to look for and when you don’t.”

“Cupcake, can you come here please,” Vi shouted from Lilah’s room.

“Coming!”

Caitlyn dashed up the stairs to see what was happening. 

“What’s happened?” she asked Vi when she appeared outside Lilah’s room.

“We found Bunny,” Vi started, fake excitement in her tone. “But it was behind her wardrobe. So I had to move a lot of things around to get it, and now I can't remember how it used to go, and Lilah wants it exactly how it was before. I keep getting it wrong so I was wondering if you know?”

“I’ll try.”

Caitlyn walked in to see the disorganized room. It wasn’t too bad, it was just that the wardrobe was now right up against the wall when before it was a few inches away. And the doll house had moved from the left side to the right. Lilah was curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor. Her bed covers and pillows and stuffed animals were next to her in disarray, on the floor when they should have been laid perfectly on her bed.

“She did that. She said she only likes when you make her bed. You do it right,” Vi added, referring to the state of her bed.

Caitlyn nodded, and then dropped down beside her on the floor. 

“Hi Lilah, It’s Mummy,” Caitlyn greeted softly so she didn’t scare her. “Would you like to help me move your stuff back correctly?”

Lilah looked up from her cocoon, and gradually nodded.

“Should we start with the wardrobe? Do you remember what it was like before?”

Lilah nodded once again, and slowly moved to where the wardrobe was. 

“I’ll move it, and then you tell me when it’s right,” Caitlyn ordered. Vi was watching from the corner, Tobias having joined her.

“Here?” Lilah shook her head. “What about here?” She shook her head again. “This?” Lilah looked at it closely, and then nodded her head.

They then moved the dolls house and picked up anything else off the floor that didn’t belong there. Caitlyn made her bed to Lilah’s standard, making sure her stuffed animals were in the same order they always were.

“Would you like to be left alone in your room, or would you like to come downstairs?”

Lilah pointed to her bed and then at herself. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She gave a frustrated sigh.

“It’s okay,” Caitlyn reassured. “You can stay up here until you feel better.”

Caitlyn left the room, ordering Vi and Tobias to do the same.

“You’re so good with her, Cait. I don’t know how you do it,” Vi flushed.

“I just…imagine what I would want in that situation.” 

She thought it was pretty simple. There had been countless times when she’d felt off because something didn’t feel right. Her bedroom had been a safe haven for her since she was a child. It was important to her that everything was where it should be. Cassandra had ridiculed her whenever she had gotten so overwhelmed she couldn’t speak. It wasn't her choice, she just physically couldn’t. She knows how it feels to want to talk so badly, but no words come out no matter how hard you try. She knows it doesn’t feel good.

“On second thoughts, maybe you should get her looked at. Just to check it isn’t serious,” Tobias said after collecting his thoughts.

Caitlyn thought about what it would mean if Lilah is autistic. Caitlyn always imagined all of the things she wished her own mother would have done differently with her. She always thought about what her life would have looked like if she had gotten an earlier diagnosis. Would things have been different?

The world was so so cruel about everything that made her different. Caitlyn didn’t think she could bear to see her daughter go through the same thing. Because of her.  

Caitlyn had to wait eighteen years until she had a name to explain the way she is. Eighteen years of bullying from her peers and her own mother. Eighteen years of guilt and self-hatred because she just didn’t understand how everyone else could speak to people so flawlessly, and why she couldn’t.

No, she couldn’t bear the thought of her Lilah going through that.

Because of her.

–

“Morning Lilah,” Vi greeted a tired Lilah. The school run was always chaotic in their family, mainly because none of them are big morning people. Caitlyn’s always stressed trying to get everything ready for work, while Vi rushes to get Lilah ready for school. Vi works from home ever since Lilah was born, it was just easier that way so they can always have someone to look after her. Caitlyn works as a police detective, and even though she’s changed her hours so she is still there for Lilah, it still causes so much stress for Caitlyn.

“Morning Mama.”

“How’d you sleep?”

“Good.”

Lilah wasn’t a big talker in the morning, Vi found. She still tried to get her engaged. 

“I was thinking cornflakes for breakfast?”

“No thank you, I want weetabix.”

“Ah, I’m afraid we’ve run out of them. I’ll stop by the shops after I've dropped you off.”

“But I always have weetabix,” Lilah frowned.

“I know, but the shops aren’t quite open yet and you have to go to school. Cornflakes are just as good.”

“But I don’t like cornflakes, I want weetabix,” cried Lilah. 

“What’s going on?” Caitlyn asked, appearing in the kitchen.

“Lilah wants weetabix but we don’t have any.”

“What about a yoghurt? Do you want yoghurt, Lilah?”

“But that’s for after dinner,” Lilah sniffed. 

“We can have it now instead. As a treat. You can have Weetabix tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Lilah said curiously. 

Vi handed her a yoghurt and a spoon, which she happily ate with no more fuss.

“What- how’d you do that?” Vi asked.

“I’m not really sure. Lucky guess?”

Vi scoffed “You’re so much better to her than me. I keep messing up.”

“It takes time, and a lot of practice. You’re doing your best.”

Vi didn’t realise that having Caitlyn carry their child, would mean she’d be a clone of her. But that’s what happened. Instead of only having to deal with one Cait, Vi now has two. Vi loves her wife more than anything, but gods is she stubborn.

Lilah finished her breakfast and moved on to do her teeth. Caitlyn continued to stand there and smooth out her uniform, like that would help the scratchy, irritating texture.

“You look amazing, Cupcake,” Vi complimented, coming up behind her and kissing the side of her neck. Caitlyn sighed at the touch. 

“Come on, Mama we’re going to be late.” Lilah took Vi’s hand and started dragging her to the door.

“Okay okay, let me just get my shoes on.”

Just like her mother, she thought. Caitlyn must’ve thought of it too, because the smirk was ever so present on her face.

“Bye, Cupcake. Have a great day at work!” Vi called halfway out of the door. 

“You too. Love you.”

“Bye Mummy!”

And then they were out of the door, and Vi was strapping her into her carseat. Caitlyn’s work was only a ten minute walk away, and she loved the fresh air, so Vi took the car to drop off Lilah each morning. Then when she returns home, Caitlyn would have already left.

Vi took Lilah to the school gates and watched her as she walked in, spotting Mrs Medarda in the process. When seeing Vi, Mrs Medarda smiled and waved at her. 

“Good morning, Mrs Kiramman. How’s your morning been?”

“Ah a lot, like it usually is. Uhm, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something?”

“Of course, what is it?”

“It’s just that we’ve been thinking about what you said at parents' evening, and what we’ve been noticing ourselves, and we have some suspicions that Lilah might be autistic. And I was wondering if there’s any way we could go about maybe getting her assessed. I mean we could be completely wrong here, it’s just that she’s really similar to Cait and Caitlyn’s late diagnosed so… we don’t really know how any of this works,” Vi admitted.

Mrs Medarda smiled. “It can be challenging picking up signs of autism when a child is so young, but I don't think it hurts to get assessed. I have seen signs myself, so I can understand why you think that. I can refer her for an evaluation through the school district, it usually takes a few months before the evaluation takes place. This is when the school's special education teacher observes Lilah in the classroom, and asks her different questions. This will determine if she needs an individualised education plan. If you want a medical diagnosis then I recommend seeing a pediatrician. Would you like me to refer her for an evaluation?”

“Yes please, that’d be great!”

“If it’s okay with you, I think it’d be a good idea to have a meeting with you and your wife. We have to have a written document signed by you to go ahead with the evaluation.”

“That’s fine. Is it possible for it to be a friday? Both me and Caitlyn don’t work fridays.”

“Sure. What about Friday in two weeks?”

“Perfect.”

“Great, I’ll see you then. And I'll keep an eye out for any more signs.”

“Thank you,” Vi replied.

Vi felt confident that this was the best approach. She knew Caitlyn would be more reluctant about it, but she had to admit it was the best cause for action.

–

“A meeting?! When?” Caitlyn asked, furiously

“Friday twenty first. Look, Cait, I think this is what’s best for Lilah. It’d mean she’d get extra support in school and I think it’d really benefit her!”

“What else did you say?”

“Well, in order to have this I had to give a reason,” Vi explained.

“Vi what did you say?” demanded Caitlyn.

“All I said is that we suspect she’s autistic. What’s wrong with that?”

“When have we ever suspected that?!” Caitlyn argued.

“You said it yourself! They’re not tantrums, they're autistic meltdowns.”

“We don’t know that! You can’t just throw accusations around like that! All children have outbursts, all children get upset sometimes. It does not mean she’s autistic.”

“Over a timetable change? A seating plan change? Cait, I don’t see any other children doing that. I know you read a lot of parenting books, do any of them say that that’s normal?”

“No, but a lot of neurotypical children like routine. Change feels like a big thing for a five year old,” Caitlyn justified.

“It’s the outbursts, Cait. The meltdowns . She’s hitting herself, she’s biting. She can’t talk. Like she physically can’t talk when it happens. It can last for hours, all over a change of plan? That’s not normal, you have to see that.”

“Of course I know it’s not normal! I’m not daft! It’s just we have to think this through before throwing labels around. This is a big deal and it could affect her entire life.”

“It already is! It already has affected her life. But if we get her accommodations at school, if we get a diagnosis, then in time, it will get better. You must know that better than anyone.”

Caitlyn huffed and looked away, throwing her arms up at a useless attempt to let out her stress. She paced round the living room for a few seconds before regaining her composure. 

“So it’s my fault, isn’t it? I’ve given her this lifelong disorder that’s ruined any chance of her living a successful life. I’m to blame.”

“Of course not! It’s not ruined her life and you’re definitely not to blame.”

“Autism is genetic, is it not? If I'm not to blame then who is!” 

Caitlyn’s fingers automatically started moving up and down at her sides, tapping against her work clothes. She usually takes them off as soon as she gets home, but Lilah had another meltdown when she got home from school. It lasted an hour and a half until she fell asleep out of exhaustion. Guilt chewed at her the entire time, seeing her daughter so upset hurt her so much. It hurt so much because there was nothing she could do but watch her hit herself, and try so desperately for her to hit the pillow instead. Caitlyn was tired and Vi was tired, and instead, they were taking it out at each other. 

“Nobody is to blame for this! There’s no point pointing fingers, that’s not going to help Lilah! She needs a diagnosis so she can get the support, and then it will get better,” Vi explained.

“She wouldn’t need a diagnosis if it wasn’t for me. She wouldn’t need support if it wasn’t for me.”

“Caitlyn Kiramman, it is not your fault. You didn’t know.”

“I knew there was always a possibility. I chose to carry her. I chose to reproduce.”

“Do you even hear yourself right now!” Vi scoffed. “Blaming yourself for having a child? It was both of our decisions!”

“Violet, I cannot watch my child go through the same thing I did.”

“You won’t have to! She’ll have support. She’ll get an early diagnosis. We’ll support her.”

“And know in the back of my mind that it’s my fault? No, no way. She’s not autistic, end of,” Caitlyn finalised.

“There’s nothing wrong with being autistic! It is not a bad thing!”

“I need space. I need space,” Caitlyn whispered. Her hands were spinning out of control, and if she didn’t move in the next thirty seconds she was going to shut down. 

Vi watched Caitlyn rush upstairs and shut their bedroom door. Vi knew Caitlyn needed a break from talking after arguments. She needed space and quiet, until she’s ready to come out on her own time. If that wasn’t before eleven, Vi would be sleeping on the couch. 

Vi knew she hated arguments, but she couldn’t help but fight for her daughter. She knew Lilah’s meltdowns were killing them both, and they both so desperately wanted them to stop. She couldn’t understand why Caitlyn’s so against the idea of a diagnosis. She knows her life was hard growing up, being undiagnosed, so why wouldn’t she jump at the idea of stopping that from happening to her child?

It didn’t make sense and she really needed to properly talk to her.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Cailtyn was racing against herself to take off her uncomfortable work clothes and get into some baggy clothes that didn’t touch her sweaty skin. She felt exhausted to her bones and just wanted to sleep. She dumped her work clothes in the corner of the room, something she rarely ever did because it made them wrinkly and she hated the feeling of wrinkly clothes, but at this moment she didn’t care. She didn’t care if all of her clothes turned wrinkly. Caitlyn paced up and down her room, flapping her hands violently in order to self regulate. She didn’t do it often and she never did it in front of people. Not even Vi. She closed her eyes and let herself feel how good the repetitive motion made her feel. She focused on it, hoping it would be enough to hold off a full blown shut down. Caitlyn picked up her headphones and placed them over her ears, the pressure on her head helping her ground her. When pacing wasn’t enough she sat down on the floor and rocked back and forth. She didn’t know how long she was doing it for but it felt like too long. She wanted this horrible feeling to end now. 

She glared daggers at her arms. If nothing was working, she knew what would.

Nails dug into her skin, drawing red as she moved up her arms. She scratched and she scratched and she scratched until the feeling went away. Time didn’t feel real. 

Her cloudy vision went away and she stopped needing to rock back and forth. She focused on the stinging, and then the blood that was dripping down her arms. She hadn’t noticed that it had been seeping into the carpet, now it was probably going to stain and it would be all her fault. 

“Vi,” she called out but it was only a mere whisper. She continued calling for her wife, until she managed one loud enough. 

When Vi saw her like that her heart broke.

“I’m sorry,” Caitlyn stuttered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Cupcake, it’s okay,” she reassured excessively.

Vi dragged her to the bathroom and cleaned her arms. She wrapped her arms in white bandages, and then tucked an exhausted Caitlyn into bed.

Vi joined next to her, and Caitlyn fell asleep in her arms. Vi fell asleep almost immediately.

It had been a long night.

–

“I'm so glad you could make it,” Mrs Medarda greeted as Caitlyn and Vi sat down in the meeting room. Mrs Merdarda and another lady sat opposite the both of them.

“My name's Miss Young, but you can just call me Sky. I'm the school's special education teacher who will be assessing your daughter,” Sky introduced.

Vi smiled, while Caitlyn's expression remained the same. Caitlyn had found it hard to sleep recently. Friday was supposed to be the day where she caught up on it, not spending it having this meeting.

“So we just wanted to talk about what an individualised education plan is and why you think your child will benefit from it,” Sky said, kindly “Firstly, do you know what an iep is?” 

Vi shook her head.

“Yes, I searched it up. It's for children with a learning disability, right?” Caitlyn asked.

“Yes, it's designed for children who have a disability that affects their ability to learn in a general education setting. It's a document that ensures that a child with a disability receives the specialised support they need to succeed in school. I want to clarify that this isn't a medical diagnosis, it's just an assessment of what affects Lilah's learning,” Sky explained.

“Now I want to start with you Mrs Medarda, have there been any traits that you've seen in Lilah?”

“Yes I've noticed a few things,” she started. “She doesn't like to socialise with her peers, but she doesn’t mind speaking with me and Mr Talis. She likes to play alone and she doesn't like working in group settings. She has a hard time transitioning from one task to the next. If she hasn't finished the task, she'll sit there and finish it no matter how long it takes. She has a hard time with changes. She gets very upset if there's a change in seats or a timetable switch. When she gets upset, Mrs Talis takes her outside for five minutes to cool her down, and we've found that usually works.”

Caitlyn sighed.

“Okay, thank you Mrs Medarda. That's very helpful. Mrs and Mrs Kiramman, is there anything you've noticed at home that has led you to suspecting that Lilah meets the criteria for ASD.”

“Her meltdowns,” Vi said immediately. “That's why we want to do this.”

Sky nodded for her to keep going.

“It's like, recently, every time she comes home from school, something that would usually be minor, causes a massive reaction from her. These meltdowns can sometimes last hours, before she just suddenly falls asleep. There's a lot of hitting. She will repeatedly hit herself until her arms ache. We've tried everything to get her to stop doing it, but nothing helps. She'll scream at the top of her lungs, this piercing horrifying scream like something has terrified her. Me and Cait have done everything to make sure there's no changes in routines or plans, there's no loud noises and everything is exactly how it was before she left. But nothing's helped. It's almost everyday after school now and we don't know why anymore. We don't know how to help.”

Vi wanted to explain in as much detail as possible, so they could properly understand. 

“I understand this must be a lot for you both,” Sky answered.

Caitlyn scoffed, and re-crossed her legs. Vi glared at her, she knew she didn't want to be here but she could at least look like she wanted to.

“But you're both trying your best. Just keep trying new things. Give her space, give her a comfort item, maybe give her headphones if you have them. Keep trying until you find something that works,” Sky supplied. “Is there anything that you've found, Caitlyn?”

“No,” she mumbled unenthusiastically. 

“Come on, Cait. You're the most detail oriented person I know,” Vi protested.

“Fine. Yes I've noticed things. She doesn't like loud noises, she covers her ears when airplanes go past, she repeats phrases from shows, she flaps her hands when she's happy, she likes to line her collection of figurines before she goes to bed, she makes me read the same bedtime story over and over again, there are times when she opens her mouth to talk but nothing comes out, and not only does she get upset and change, she gets upset when somethings not put exactly how it was. She notices everything.”

“Oh wow. That's quite a long list!” Sky remarked.

“I like lists,” Caitlyn mumbled.

“Well I think getting this evaluation will benefit Lilah. If she does qualify for one, and get accommodations at school, it might help the meltdowns at home. Now, I need you to sign a consent form so we can proceed with the evaluation. It will take around a month to complete the evaluation, and then we'll have another meeting to discuss the results and decide on iep eligibility.”

Sky handed them both the piece of paper and a pen, and they both signed on the line.

“Before you leave, I just wanted to ask if there's any history of autism in your family. It's common for autistic children to have an autistic relative. That's not always the case because of people going undiagnosed, so it's absolutely fine if you don't.”

“I'm autistic,” Caitlyn admitted, it felt like poison against her tongue. Her mother used to tell her not to tell anyone because it would bring shame on the Kiramman name. “I carried Sky.”

“Okay, thanks for telling me.”

“I just…want what's best for Lilah,” Caitlyn hesitated.

“As do I. We'll be in touch after the evaluation is complete, but in the meantime, Mrs Medarda will make sure Lilah is supported in the classroom.”

“Thank you.”

They said their goodbyes and then Caitlyn could finally leave. 

“I'd say that went well, Sky seemed super nice,” Vi said as they walked back to their car.

Caitlyn hummed.

“Not in a chatty mood?”

“Just tired.”

She always was these days.

“Maybe you should take some time off. You've got spare holiday. You could use a break.”

“Yeah maybe.”

The next week, she made sure to book the next entire week off work. An entire week resting in bed sounded like a dream. An entire week with Vi also sounded like a dream. Maybe they could even talk about something that wasn't to do with Lilah. Caitlyn loved to boast about how much of an amazing daughter she has, but having the same conversations with Vi repeatedly had gotten a bit much. 

She was going to spend the whole of next week in bed, and it couldn't have sounded better.

–

The week after, Sky observed Lilah’s behaviour in the classroom. 

“Hi, you must be Sky. I’m Mr Talis, the teacher assistant here. Are you observing Lilah?” he introduced, standing next to her at the back of the classroom,

“Hello Mr Talis, and yes I am. Did you place her alone at her own table?” Sky asked.

“No, that was Lilah. We let them choose where to sit, and Lilah likes to work by herself. We’ve tried to suggest the idea of her to sit next to someone, but she doesn’t want to.”

“It’s just that young children should socialise. And I'm seeing a lot of socialising from other children.”

“Yeah, this is definitely a chatty bunch. But Lilah’s always been a bit quieter than the rest, she doesn’t like interruptions when she’s working.”

“Would she be angry if I went over and talked to her?”

“It depends.  She doesn’t mind talking with adults so much, but if she’s solely focused on her work then she might.”

Sky nodded, already heading over there.

“Hi, my name is Sky, one of the teachers that work here. What’s your name?” Sky asked, trying to get a feel on Lilah’s speaking skills.

“Lilah Kiramman,” she mumbled, not looking up, tight grip remaining on her pencil.

“Hi Lilah. What are you doing right now?”

“Maths.”

“And what are you learning in math?”

Lilah paused. “Timesing numbers by one hundred.”

“Do you like doing that?”

“Yes, I love maths,” Lilah stated.

“I’m glad to hear, I love math too. Lilah, how would you feel if we moved you to sit at that table over there, so you can talk to people about the work.”

“No,” Lilah stated. She stopped moving the pencil across the page, and started toying with the sharp lead instead. Her eyes still haven’t moved from the page.

“Why not?”

“‘Cause I can’t concentrate on my work, they're so noisy. And Daisy tried to play mum’s and dad’s with me at lunch and got mad at me when I didn’t want to,” Lilah grumbled.

“Do you like to play with the other children?” Sky asked.

“No. Daisy thinks there can only be a mum and a dad. But there can be two mums and two dads. I’m not playing with someone who’s wrong.”

“So what do you do?”

“Stay in here and do work,” she proclaimed.

“How about I bring Daisy over here? Then you can talk about why she’s wrong.”

“No!” she barked. She dug the sharp lead of the pencil into the palm of her hand.

“Okay,” Sky concluded, not wanting to push the girl too much.

Mrs Medarda called out that break time had started. All the children rushed outside, except for Lilah, who remained where she was.

“Does she not go outside?” Sky asked Mrs Medarda before she went outside to watch the excitable children.

“Lilah? No she doesn’t. She hasn’t made any friends yet, and it gets a bit much for her out here. She likes to carry on working. We’re printing out worksheets for above her age range and she has no trouble with them. Mr Talis watches her and she doesn’t have a problem talking with him.”

Sky carried on observing her, who was currently fully focused on her work.

“Lilah, would you like to go outside with me and we can find someone to play with?” Sky offered.

“What? No,” Lilah shut down, almost fear present in her voice.

“I’m sure you can carry on with your work later. Friends are important and I see you haven’t made any…?”

“I don’t want to. Nobody likes what I like.”

“Maybe if you talked to someone you’d find someone who does.”

Lilah didn’t reply.

“Come on. I’ll come with you.”

“No, no, no! I don’t want to!” She kicked her feet in and out under the table.

“You’re a super kind girl. I’m sure someone would love to be friends with you. I’ll help you if you don’t know what to say. Come on,” Sky urged.

Sky almost thought she was going to when she dragged her chair back, but instead of joining her outside, she threw herself under the table.

“Lilah?” Sky asked in confusion.

“Is everything alright?” Mr Talis questioned.

“It’s fine. Lilah?”

Sky dropped down to the floor. Lilah was curled up on the floor, head hidden in her knees and a hand angrily threading through her long dark hair. 

“Lilah, it’s okay.”

A harsh sob escaped her throat, as she continued to rock back and forth.

“Why don’t you come out and we’ll sort this out,” Sky offered. She wasn’t too sure what to do; she didn’t know what would calm her down.

Sky looked up, signalling for Mr Talis to come here. When she looked back at her, she was now banging her head ruthlessly against her knuckle.

“Remember what we talked about Lilah. Kind hands,” Mr Talis said, gently. 

Lilah stopped and looked up at the new voice. 

“Would you like to come with me to the quiet room? The one we went in last time.”

“No!” Lilah screamed, banging her knees against her eyeballs. She started hitting her head again.

“Stay with her. I’m going to talk to Mel,” Sky ordered.

Sky rushed outside to where Mrs Medarda was standing.

“Is everything alright?” she asked, noticing the screwed up expression on Sky’s face.

“How long until break ends?”

“Five minutes, why?”

“Is there any way you can keep the children outside for longer? Lilah’s having a meltdown under the table and she won’t come out.”

“Oh, I don’t think it would be a problem. Is she okay?”

“I’m not sure. Thanks, Mel.”

Sky rushed back inside, to see Lilah slowly coming out from under the table.

“That’s it. Good job,” Mr Talis praised. 

Sky silently followed them into the vacant ‘quiet’ room. It was meant for people with learning disabilities to be able to have somewhere quiet to go. As a special education teacher, Sky had spent a fair bit of time in this room.

Lilah curled up on the floor in the corner of the room, still hitting as hard as she could. Mr Talis joined Sky outside of the room, and closed the door so no noise could upset her. The door had a window so they could still see inside.

“Has this happened before?”

“It has, but it hasn’t been this bad. She usually stops hitting after a minute, and she cools down quickly. I’ve never seen her like this.

Sky nodded.

“What should I do?” he asked.

“Stay with her and try to get her to calm down. Try to get her to hit one of those pillows instead. I think she trusts you more than me. I’m going to call her parents.”

–

Caitlyn remained faced down in bed at eleven o’clock. She hadn’t had to get up for work, or to drop Lilah off, or any other reasons someone gets out of bed in the morning. Caitlyn didn’t remember why anyone would want to leave the warmth of the covers. 

“Cupcake, I made you breakfast,” Vi said, opening the door.

Caitlyn groaned.

“I know you’re tired, but you have to get up at some point. You can’t spend all of your holiday off work in bed.”

“Yes, I can,” Caitlyn grumbled.

“Just- come downstairs and have breakfast with me. Please?”

“Fine,” she huffed. She reluctantly tore her duvet covers off, and padded downstairs in a dressing gown.

“Glad to see you’re alive, Cupcake,” Vi humored as she saw the state of her. “I made bacon and eggs.”

Usually Caitlyn would be happy to see her favourite meal in front of her, but all she wanted to do was return to her bed.

“Let me know how it is,” Vi climbed onto the seat opposite her. “I’ve got a relaxed day- oh?” 

Vi’s phone started to ring in her pocket. She was confused who would be ringing her at this time. 

“It’s Lilah’s school,” Vi stated, answering the phone. “Hello?”

“Lilah’s school?” Caitlyn immediately sat up straight and dropped her fork.

“Hello, is this Violet Kiramman?” The voice said on the phone.

“Yes, speaking.”

“This is Sky, we had a meeting the other week to discuss the evaluation?”

“Oh yes of course. Did something happen?”

“Are you or your wife available to come into the school right now?”

“Yes both me and Caitlyn can,” Vi said confused. “Why?”

“I think Lilah is experiencing a meltdown and we don’t quite know the best cause for action. I know you’ve experienced this before and she feels more comfortable around you than us. I think she’ll have a better chance at calming down with you there.”

“Shit, yeah. We’ll be on our way.”

“Try not to worry. She’s in safe hands.”

Vi hung up and started to get her shoes on.

“What’s going on? What happened?” Caitlyn asked frantically.

“Lilah’s having a meltdown and she won’t calm down. She wants us to come in.”

“Fuck,” Caitlyn cursed, already taking her dressing gown off. She rushed upstairs to put on something presentable. Vi was packing a bag with all the things they’ve found that helped.

“Is she okay?” Caitlyn asked, fully dressed and sliding on her shoes.

“I don’t know,” Vi answered, truthfully.

“We need to leave now.”

What was usually a fifteen minute journey, took less than ten. Vi drove as fast as she possibly could. 

They waited in the reception until Sky met them there and led them to where Lilah was. She was still rocking back and forth in the corner, but now frantically hitting a pillow instead. Her eyes were pressed shut and she looked so small.

Both Vi and Caitlyn winced at the sight.

“Lilah, It’s Mummy. Can you look at me for a moment, baby?” Caitlyn said softly.

Lilah stopped hitting, and slowly opened her eyes. She winced at the light and then closed them again.

“Can someone turn off the lights?” Caitlyn ordered. The room went dark.

“Can you try again for me, sweetie?”

Lilah followed her lead, and opened her eyes again. This time they stayed open.

“Good job. Both me and Mama are here, alright? Would you like your headphones on?”

Lilah’s eyes slightly lit up when she heard this. Vi handed Caitlyn the headphones, and Caitlyn gently placed them over her head. Lilah’s hands were drawn in tight fists, but she hadn’t begun hitting again. Caitlyn took that as a sign that it had probably finished. 

Caitlyn took her favourite stuffed animal, Bunny, out from the bag.

“Can you open your fists for me? I’ve got Bunny and she’s really missed you. Would you like to hold Bunny?”

Lilah opened her fists and held the bunny. She stroked its fur, focusing on its fuzzy texture. 

Sky watched in shock as Lilah easily did whatever Caitlyn said, while they had found it almost impossible for Lilah to get out from under the table.

No new tears appeared and her breathing had returned to normal. 

“That’s great. How are you feeling now?”

“Hurts,” she croaked. Caitlyn was surprised she spoke.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Arms.”

“I know it aches right now, my love. But when we go home you can have a nice warm bath and it will make the stinging go away. You did such a good job, darling. You’re so brave,” Caitlyn soothed. “Has the bad feeling gone away?”

Lilah nodded. 

“That’s good,” Caitlyn supplied. “You did such a good job.”

While Caitlyn kept on comforting a now calmer Lilah, Sky spoke with Vi outside the room.

“Is she always this good?”

“Caitlyn? Yeah pretty much. She knows exactly what she needs to calm her down. She’ll sit with her for hours until she calms down.”

“A lot of parents I meet do the wrong things by accident, touch them when they don’t want to or overstep, but Caitlyn calmed her down straight away. I can see they’ve got a lot of love for each other,” Sky observed.

“Yes, Caitlyn adores Lilah and Lilah looks up to her. Caitlyn’s a natural with her and I wouldn’t know what to do without her,” Vi raved.

Caitlyn opened the door. “She’s okay now, and she wants to go home.”

“Of course. I’ll let Mrs Medarda know she’s gone home early,” Sky said.

Vi and Sky stepped back into the room and waited for Caitlyn to pick up Lilah.

“Do you want me to carry you so you don’t have to put on your yucky shoes and socks?” Caitlyn made sure everything was a choice, Lilah liked to have a choice.

Caitlyn carried her to the car, while Vi carried the bag of things. Lilah fell asleep on the car ride home, and Caitlyn so desperately wanted to do the same. Now out of the situation, she no longer needed to bury her needs, her exhaustion ever so present now.

“You did amazing,” Vi whispered so as not to wake Lilah up. “Seriously, Cait. Even Sky was impressed.”

“It’s really nothing,” Caitlyn defended. It really was nothing. It just came so easy to her.

“Well I couldn’t do that.”

She knew that not everyone could do it. She remembered what her own mother used to do when Caitlyn had her own meltdowns . So much touching. Caitlyn hated it.

But if that’s what made her good at it for Lilah, she didn’t care anymore. It isn’t about her, it’s about her daughter.

She is her priority.

–

“Hello Mrs and Mrs Kiramman, it’s nice to see you again. Take a seat.” 

Violet and Caitlyn were at their second meeting in order to discuss the evaluation results.

“So this meeting is to discuss whether Lilah qualifies for an individual education plan. I’ve been observing your daughter the last few weeks, and I think I’ve got a pretty good understanding in the areas where Lilah thrives, and areas where she may need a bit of help with,” Sky said.

“Firstly, I want to talk about what I’ve found her strengths are. In terms of academically, Lilah is extremely good at her reading, writing and math skills compared to her peers. She focuses on it really well, and she has no difficulty with following the instructions. I’ve noticed that she likes to complete the task, no matter how long it takes her, and even if she has to move onto a different task. I think she could benefit from extra time for tasks and tests, because I've noticed she works at quite a slower pace than everyone else,” Sky observed.

“Now I want to talk about some things I've found she struggles with. I’ve noticed she struggles with communicating with her peers and making friends. I tried to give her opportunities to talk to people and help her make friends, but she believes that being alone is better and that she doesn’t need friends. I’m worried that if she carries on with no friends, it will make it very difficult in the future for her to talk to people if she does want to make friends. I run a session during school time, where I take select students out of class and help practise interactions, one to one. I think she’ll benefit from this, and I can also keep track of how her social skills are improving. Is that something you think she’ll benefit from?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” Vi encouraged. Caitlyn didn’t know what to say. She had no friends growing up, and it was awful and terribly lonely. She always wished it would be different for her daughter.

“Another thing, and in my opinion the main thing, would be how distressed Lilah gets over changes and transitions. She gets extremely upset over routine changes, like changes in subject, changes in seating arrangements, changes in teacher, and also transitioning from one thing to another. For that, I've already spoken to Mrs Medarda, and she's implemented written schedules with timings for when the next task starts. This has worked very well so far, and she’s no longer getting stuck at focusing on one task for too long. For her meltdowns over changes, I've suggested that she can go to a quiet, designated area, before it gets to the point where she’s so overwhelmed has a meltdown. The room you were in before is the quiet space she can go to at any point, if an unexpected change does happen and she needs somewhere she can process it. I think it will also help with her sensory issues from the noisy classroom. In our one-to-one sessions, I also want to teach her some breathing exercises she can do when she feels overwhelmed, and hopefully it will help so she doesn’t resort to hitting,” Sky explained.

“You’ve mentioned before that meltdowns are a frequent thing at home. I was wondering if you wanted to implement a daily log tracking her meltdowns, and what triggered it, as well as useful strategies that worked. That way we’ll know what caused it and what helps her. I want to focus on reducing the amount of meltdowns she has.”

“Yeah of course. We’ll do that,” Vi said.

“Great. I believe that Lilah does qualify for an iep, and I think she’ll benefit from it a lot. Do you have any questions for me?”

“I think you’ve answered everything,” Vi answered. “Do you think getting a medical diagnosis will also help? We’ve recently spoken with a paediatrician who’s going to refer her to a specialist.”

“I think it will help get the answers you need. In the meantime, we will do everything to help Lilah feel supported in school.”

“Thank you. That’s all we wanted,” Caitlyn concluded.

–

Vi opened the bed covers and laid beside Caitlyn, who was already under three different blankets. Caitlyn never felt warm enough in bed, whereas Vi always got too hot. 

Caitlyn leaned her head onto Vi’s shoulder, as a subtle attempt to steal her warmth. Vi threaded her fingers through Cait’s hair just the way she liked it. 

“How did you feel about the meeting?” Vi asked, knowing Caitlyn probably wasn’t going to be able to sleep anytime soon. 

“I mean, yeah it went fine. It’s what we wanted. She’s getting all the accommodations she needs.”

“I mean how do you feel? What is my beautiful wife thinking in that sweet head of yours?”

Caitlyn scoffed at the teasing.

“I think that it will really help her, and it’s something I would have dreamed to have as a child. But a part of me still feels guilty because what if she’s lonely all her life all because of me, and this diagnosis will only prove that. And what if it means she’s going to hate me because of it.”

“Cait, you love Lilah. I can see it in the way you speak to her and the way you look at her. You are her idol. She looks up to you and she wants to be just like you. Did you hate your mother for passing it down to you? No, you hated the way she made you feel about it. She made you feel ashamed. We’re going to support Lilah no matter what the diagnosis says, and she’s not going to hate you for that. She’s going to be grateful for having a mother so supportive like you are. And she can’t be lonely all her life when she’s got us. Your parents made you feel lonely, but we won’t make her feel the same. You won’t make the same mistakes as your parents, that’s not the Caitlyn I know. Is it?”

Vi waited for an answer, but she didn’t get one. She looked down at her shoulder to see Caitlyn fast asleep. Vi smiled, and relaxed against her body. 

That was the best sleep Caitlyn had experienced in a long time.