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Things with Stede were going fine great, but lately there have been a few bumps on the road because the honeymoon phase seems to finally be over and Ed starts noticing many a few things in his new life that he hates doesn’t like, but it’s not really a big thing. It’s just that Stede’s favorite scented candles make him sneeze and Ed is not allowed to walk barefoot around the house and they go to the pubs and parties all the time even when Ed would like to stay at home and simply watch a movie instead.
And Stede is great, he really is, but Ed has noticed Stede being snippy with him a few times when they were arguing disagreeing on something, but Stede never yells at him or says anything hurtful. Although Ed has noticed the way Stede purses his lips when they are having an argument talking things through, as if he is tasting something bitter or as if he is holding back from saying something nasty out loud.
And Ed has been trying to be better, more positive, he really has. But despite how great his new life is, his dark moods haven’t completely disappeared and Stede didn’t do well the first time they hit. When the depression that had been lurking for a while eventually closed in and Ed didn’t want to get out of bed for days, not even to take a shower, Stede tried to be his usual cheerful self and brought him little cakes and tea and read to him, but when nothing seemed to work Stede got frustrated and sad and Ed remembered Izzy, who would kick him out of the bed to make him shower and yell at him until he agreed to eat something, but then he would just close the curtains and keep quiet so Ed could curl under the blankets to sleep and he would kiss his blanket-covered head and tell Ed he loved him and
So, well, things haven’t been perfect lately, but Ed is trying and that’s why he is in a crowded and noisy shopping centre, waiting in the queue of a soap store with his arms full of expensive bath products Stede has excitedly picked for them. Although Ed thinks they have quite a lot at home already, Stede has gone to the back of the store again to pick another shampoo he has forgotten so Ed is waiting alone in the long queue, trying his best to ignore the annoying 80’s music mix coming from the speakers.
It’s not that he hates the music, he likes it, it’s just that the 80’s songs remind Ed so much of Izzy. The song that was playing when they were both kicked out of a pub for the first time together, the songs on the mix tape they listened to while they drove to the coast one summer, the song that was playing in the background while they were having the most intense sex they ever had after Ed had told Izzy he loved him, had promised him it would be them against the world forever. For years listening to that song had made him instantly horny and it still does.
And Ed has been thinking about Izzy too much lately and he has the feeling Stede can tell, but he tries not to because he always ends up remembering Izzy’s face when he left him, the hurt in his eyes, the sadness, and it makes him feel bad, guilty, regretful, sad. So he tries not to think about him or their old friends, who barely talk to Ed anymore and even when they do, they aren’t very nice to him or Stede and that’s why Stede hates them and doesn’t like to go to their old pubs and Ed can’t blame him but he misses those old, dusty places and his old friends.
But it’s very difficult not to think about them while waiting there in line, with nothing to do but listening to that music until Stede comes back. He manages, sort of, until the moment a new song starts. Ed recognizes it, but it was never one of their favorites, he barely remembers it so Ed thinks it won’t be a problem.
How can I just let you walk away?
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you?
You're the only one who really knew me at all
It’s a lame song from a boring movie Ed never even liked and he has heard it so many times before so how is that now every line from that song feels like a stab to his chest?
So take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ed tries to ignore the lyrics, but he can’t escape and he feels stupid and heartbroken and Stede hasn’t come back yet.
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
The song goes on and the stabs keep coming and when Stede comes back with a new mango hair conditioner he finds Ed still in the queue, crushing the bath products against his chest while tears fall quietly down his cheeks.
“Ed, darling, what’s wrong?” Stede asks confused.
And Ed simply starts sobbing as he falls to his knees in the middle of the store.