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“This is the worst idea any of you have ever had, and that includes the time Jimin tried to con a whole sorority house into letting him drain them in exchange for lapdances.” Namjoon hissed as the six vampires who weren’t Jin stood just outside the master bedroom door.
Jimin raised one eyebrow, smirking. “What do you mean, ‘tried’?” he drawled, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall.
Namjoon rolled his eyes but chose not to respond. He knew Jimin wasn’t done, anyway. He wasn’t done, but he was taking his sweet time with the follow-up, waiting until everyone was staring at him, varying degrees of irritation on their faces. Finally, he chuckled.
“I like sorority girls. They taste expensive,” he finished, and Jungkook wrinkled his nose.
“Ew.”
Jimin smacked him on the arm playfully. “You just don’t have my refined tastes, Kookie. You’ll learn,” he promised.
Namjoon shook his head with enough force behind the motion to induce an injury. “No. He won’t learn. He’ll never learn, because Jungkook doesn’t eat people anymore, right? Right?” He was intoning the words while staring into Jungkook’s undead soul, and the youngest vampire of them all was starting to shrink under that stare, just a little.
“Right, big guy,” Hoseok chimed in with a winning grin. “None of us eat people anymore,” he assured Namjoon calmly, patting his back in a placating gesture.
“Right. Totally,” came the remaining assertions from Taehyung and Yoongi, and even though Namjoon was smart enough to be far from convinced, he was also smart enough to know that they were playing a dangerous game on top of the upcoming dangerous game, chitchatting outside Jin’s door as he slept. It was only a matter of time before the voices of his idiot children knocked him from his slumber.
Namjoon sighed. “All right. So. What the hell are we doing, guys? And why?” His voice sounded pleading, begging everyone else to read between the lines of his words and stop this insanity.
“Because April Fool’s Day, obviously.” Taehyung replied, motioning to the rest of the group to huddle up. Once their heads were together in the middle of the haphazard circle, he spoke again.
“Okay, here’s the plan. Kookie needs to earn some sympathy points from Jin. Well, mostly he needs to stop using his moisturizer without asking, and maybe ease off the homicide, but anyway.” Taehyung ignored the offended look on Jungkook’s face as he continued.
“So, we’re all gonna take a bite off Kookie, and then send him in there all bloodied up and crying, and Jin will wake up and flip out and vow to avenge this injustice with his life, and in the process he will profess his undying love for our newest baby brother.” Taehyung finished, flashing a blinding grin at the rest of the family, as if to counteract the stunned look Namjoon was suddenly wearing.
“Wait,” Namjoon started, but Jungkook shoved ahead of him in the conversation line.
“Why does everyone have to bite me?” he asked, looking nervous for the first time in a while. “That seems...painful.” He wasn’t meeting anyone’s eye, focusing on his shoes, and Taehyung frowned. The plan had seemed so foolproof. Genius, really. Maybe a tad irresponsible, but when you’ve lived a few centuries, responsibility became more of a fluid concept than a personal goal.
Yoongi snorted, looking simultaneously disinterested in everything that was happening, and also very involved, for once. “No. We can’t do that. If we start taking chunks out of chocolate chip Kookie over there, we’re all gonna go batshit blood crazy and we’ll be no better off than he ever was,” he pointed out, and Taehyung hadn’t thought of that, so he frowned harder.
“What we could do,” Yoongi started, rubbing his hands together as he pieced together his thoughts, “Is...hmm. Hobi.” Hoseok’s head jerked up when he was addressed. “You think that weird werewolf kid you hang out with is awake right now?”
Hoseok shrugged, checking the time on his phone. “Yeah, probably. Full moon’s tomorrow night. Junhong’s probably getting a little itchy already. Why?”
“We could send him into Jin’s room, tell him to turn. There’s no way Jin would be in danger, since werewolves hate the smell of vamps. But, he probably doesn’t know that. For someone as old as he is, I don’t feel like Jin’s actually very aware of...much.” Yoongi said, a corner of his mouth quirking into a half-smile as he talked.
“You know, I’m actually not even into this whole pranking idea anymore, guys. Let’s just--” Hoseok started.
He was cut off by Namjoon. “No, this is fine. This is a half-decent idea.” he said finally, chin in hand as he thought it out. “We’ll send Weird Kid in, he’ll go all Teen Wolf, Jin will wake up screaming, and then Jungkook can be the hero who saves him.” It was more of a question than a statement, and he looked around to the rest of the guys for approval.
Taehyung sighed at length. “I mean, it’s not very funny, hyung. This is supposed to be a funny prank for April Fool’s Day.” He pouted, and Namjoon threw his hands up in defeat.
“It’s not funny. But when was the last time any of us were very good at getting anything right?” Namjoon pondered, always the voice of reason.
No one could argue with that.
“Okay. So. Good plan. Good talk. Hoseok, go call Weirdwolf, and Kook, start practicing your avenging face,” Namjoon ordered, because at this point, he honestly just wanted this to be over with, so April 2nd could come and everyone would be normal, as normal as they could get, anyway, until the next holiday. What was it with this bunch and holidays?
Hoseok hummed, scrolling through the contacts on his phone as the others continued stage whispering to each other.
“Kookie, your mouth looks angry, but your eyes are dead. Like, literally, obviously, but also metaphorically. Look. Do it like this.” Taehyung muttered, dragging Jungkook to the side to coach him.
“It would be much more frightening if Jungkook was wearing one of Jin’s favorite sweaters, wouldn’t it? All bloody and torn up?”
Namjoon cringed. “Jesus, no. We want to scare Jin, not get Kookie’s limbs torn from his pale, even more lifeless body, right?” he stammered, glancing up, looking for the source of the suggestion.
It wasn’t Jimin, like he’d assumed, based on the relative intelligence level of said suggestion.
Hoseok’s phone clattered to the floor, forgotten. Jungkook and Taehyung shot in opposite directions from each other, eyes wide. Yoongi began backing up slowly, eyes darting behind him, to the safety of his bedroom. Jimin, who had not actually said a word since his tossed-off comments re: sorority slaughter, inched closer to Namjoon automatically.
Jin stood in the hallway, carrying a paper bag of groceries and the disappointed aura they were all familiar with.
The silence was deafening, until Jin broke it.
“One thousand years,” he said slowly, bending down to place the bag safely on the ground. When he straightened up, his shoulders were already squaring, fangs popping out whether or not he meant for them to. That tended to happen when vampire emotions ran high, but it was especially unnerving for the rest of them when it happened to Jin. It meant they were in deep, deep shit.
“I have been alive, or some version of it, for one thousand years. I’ve seen a lot of things. Met a lot of people. I’ve been a knight. A soldier. I’ve taken countless, countless lives,” Jin began, glowering at the moron brigade he was currently, indefinitely commanding.
“And yet. And yet, I have never met six bigger idiots, in a thousand years. And the worst part is, your idiocy feeds off each other’s. You somehow manage to, almost daily, push the boundaries of all that is stupid until they break.” He was speaking quietly, too quietly. Menacing in his softness.
Namjoon swallowed. “How, uh...how much did you hear?” he squeaked in a tiny voice that was far less threatening.
“All of it.” Jin shot back, glaring at his second-in-command. Namjoon wisely chose not to say anything else.
“The only person here I am not seething with anger at is you, Jungkook.” Jin continued, almost conversational now as he glanced at the baby among them. “You seemed to be the least enthralled with all of this. Therefore, you are my new favorite. I like you, all right? I like you. You’re okay.” Jin said firmly, and Jungkook relaxed visibly. The rest of them were still coiled up like springs, ready to run if necessary.
Jin reached into the bag he’d brought home and produced a small jar, tossing it to Jungkook, who caught it easily. “Here. Bought you your own moisturizer.” Jin said simply, picking the bag up off the floor with one hand again as Jungkook’s jaw dropped in pleased surprise.
“I’ll figure out what to do with all of you tomorrow.” Jin decided, waving a hand in the direction of the perpetrators of this failed crime. “Come on, Kookie. I’ll show you how to use that stuff.” Jungkook went willingly, trying to hide his wide grin as the others scowled.
They were halfway down the hall when Jin turned back, leveling his steady, authoritative gaze at Jimin.
“You. It’s Spring Break. Don’t even think about drowning your sorrows or sinking your fangs into anything...anyone...on Greek Row.”
Jimin opened his mouth to argue, but Namjoon reached back and clapped a hand over his lips without even looking. “Don’t,” he murmured. Jimin made as big of a sound of protest as he could against Namjoon’s palm as Jin and Jungkook disappeared into the kitchen.
The quiet continued for a moment longer among the remaining vampires, until a little shriek bubbled up from Namjoon's throat, and he glared at Jimin.
“And don't bite me, either, brat.”