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The Vanilla Kingdom was peaceful. The birds were singing. The villagers were going about their day. The flowers were blooming.
And somewhere near the castle, Shadow Milk Cookie was aggressively pole-vaulting over the palace wall with Pure Vanilla’s staff while screaming at the top of his lungs:
“I AM THE MOON!”
Pure Vanilla gawked from the garden, clutching at his chest as his staff was yeeted over the wall, vanishing into the void. His mouth fell open in sheer disbelief, watching Shadow Milk’s body ragdoll over the edge with the grace of a drunken seagull.
“WHAT—?!”
There was a horrible crashing sound in the distance. Several villagers screamed. The sound of multiple flower pots shattering echoed through the kingdom.
Pure Vanilla slowly turned around.
From beyond the wall, he heard an unhinged, giddy shriek:
“I’M FINE!!”
“…I’M NOT.”
It all started about an hour ago when Shadow Milk—completely unsupervised—had apparently discovered a shroom patch growing near the palace courtyard.
The “EXPERIMENTAL MUSHROOM GARDEN” sign was very clearly labeled “DO NOT TOUCH.”
But Shadow Milk? He took that as a personal challenge.
And now, Pure Vanilla was chasing him across the kingdom, begging him to stop while half of the castle staff watched from a safe distance with their hands over their mouths.
“PUT THAT DOWN!!”
Pure Vanilla practically tripped over his own feet as he sprinted toward Shadow Milk, who was now standing on the castle fountain, holding a large wooden bench above his head like he was about to throw it into orbit.
“PUT WHAT DOWN?!” Shadow Milk shrieked gleefully, blinking with wild, dilated eyes. “THE BENCH? OR MY SANITY? BECAUSE I LOST THAT AGES AGO, SWEETHEART!”
“BOTH!!”
“NEVER!!!”
With a maniacal laugh, Shadow Milk flung the bench like a deranged Olympian. It soared through the air in slow motion, rotating gracefully—before landing directly in the royal koi pond with an enormous splash.
“NOOOO!!” Pure Vanilla slapped both hands to his head, staring at the now flooded pond as several very traumatized koi fish fled for their lives.
Shadow Milk, meanwhile, leapt off the fountain with a clumsy front flip, splashed into the pond, and popped up dramatically with koi fish draped over his arms like feather boas.
“I AM YOUR GOD NOW.”
By the time Pure Vanilla finally dragged him out of the pond, both of them were soaking wet, and Shadow Milk’s clothes were weighed down with pond water. His hair stuck to his face, leaves clung to his legs, and one very confused fish was still hanging onto his arm like it wanted to leave the kingdom altogether.
“Okay,” Pure Vanilla gasped, barely able to breathe, “okay—NO MORE WATER. No more jumping, no more—”
Without breaking eye contact, Shadow Milk slowly bent down, still dripping wet, and picked up a garden hose.
Pure Vanilla’s eyes widened in immediate, primal horror.
“Don’t.”
Shadow Milk narrowed his eyes mischievously.
“I am… become rain.”
“NO—!!”
Before Pure Vanilla could even react, Shadow Milk turned the hose on him, blasting him square in the chest with the force of a thousand angry sprinklers. Water shot directly into his face, causing him to stumble backward, spluttering like a drowned cat.
“WHY?!” he wailed dramatically, soaking wet and betrayed, his entire robe now clinging to him like soggy laundry.
“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU,” Shadow Milk declared with profound sincerity, waterboarding his boyfriend with a garden hose.
It took four palace guards, a very unamused Custard Cookie III, and Black Raisin Cookie, who only stood there with a look of tired disappointment, to pry the hose out of Shadow Milk’s hands.
By that point, Pure Vanilla was coughing and spluttering, his entire robe and hair soaked beyond saving. There was mud in his shoes. He was drenched to his very soul.
“I hate you,” he gasped weakly, shivering violently.
“You love me~,” Shadow Milk purred, still smiling gleefully, mud streaking down his face.
Finally managing to shove Shadow Milk back inside, Pure Vanilla dragged him into their shared bedroom, determined to keep him contained before he somehow destroyed the entire kingdom.
He forcibly sat him down on the bed, hands on his hips, breathing heavily, his hair still dripping water onto the floor.
“You are going to stay here,” he panted, voice hoarse with exasperation, “and you are going to behave.”
Shadow Milk blinked at him innocently, eyes still completely dilated.
“Define behave.”
“DO. NOT. MOVE.”
There was a long beat of silence.
And then, slowly, Shadow Milk slid off the bed, rolled onto the floor like a worm, and began dramatically inching his way toward the window.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING—?!”
“You said no moving,” he whispered ominously, “but you didn’t say I couldn’t slither.”
Pure Vanilla let out a frustrated yell and bodily dragged him back onto the bed, practically flinging him into the mattress. He pressed his hands into his face in exasperation, considering whether he should move to another kingdom altogether.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” he groaned, voice muffled by his hands.
Shadow Milk giggled, clearly enjoying himself. He rolled onto his side, still grinning mischievously, then reached out and patted Pure Vanilla’s cheek with muddy, wet fingers.
“It’s okay, Nilly,” he purred sleepily, nuzzling into him like a feral cat. “If you die, I’ll join you.”
“OH MY STARS, PLEASE JUST GO TO SLEEP.”
Finally, after what felt like eons, Shadow Milk collapsed into the blankets, thoroughly spent from his shroom-induced rampage.
He curled into Pure Vanilla’s side, damp and disheveled, still murmuring nonsense in his half-sleep.
“You’re so pretty…” he slurred softly. “Like… a really fancy chair… but alive…”
Pure Vanilla stared at the ceiling, completely dead inside.