Chapter Text
I'm not one to complain.
Never was, never will be.
I have a good life.
I have amazing parents. I have a lovely sister. They mean the world to me.
I have great friends. Rui is smart- he's a genius. Nene is a bit quiet, but she has a good heart. Emu is playful and fun, and she already has a good future ahead of her.
All of us do.
Don't we?
The teacher drones on. I've already written the notes in advance. In fact, I already know this. This is just review.
Biology.
Gene therapy. Stem cell research. Dominant alleles, recessive alleles.
It's all the same. I know this already.
Of course, I have to. I'm the top student, after all. I have places to go, universities to apply for.
After all, if I don't do well now, then I'll be useless in the future.
Besides, this has always been my goal, hasn't it?
To help others. To see them smile, to see them healthy and happy. Ever since Saki got sick, it's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to help her. I wanted to help people like her. I wanted to make them smile, I wanted to help them feel better. Ever since then, I knew what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be.
That is why I'm here right now. Listening to the teacher, reviewing my notes. Scribbling down any extra details that I missed, just in case.
That's why I want to become a...
A...
..Ah.
Hold.. hold on. What was it again..?
The teacher's voice slowly muffles, blending into nothing more but background noise.
How could I have forgotten? What do I want to be again?
This has been a huge problem... I really should see if there is something going on with my brain. Perhaps I just need to sleep for a bit longer- I do spend a lot of time taking notes and studying in advance. It's a bit boring sometimes, but it gets the work done. It's all worth it.
But is it really if I can't even remember what it's for?
I look down at my notes, taking a deep breath. There's nothing wrong. Just a short lapse in memory, surely.
I know what I want to do. I know what I want to be. I've made this choice for myself, I have known it all my life.
I want to be, I want to be a...
The writing on the notebook is smudged, intelligible. Like it's been sprayed with water, damping the paper and letting the ink blot the page.
Why can't I read it? Why can't I read what it says?
I swear, just a few minutes ago, it was fine, it was perfectly clear.. there has to be an answer here somewhere. I know it, I just know it.
But flipping through the pages gives me nothing. All the writing is smudged, blurred. I rub my eyes, but nothing happens.
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong, something is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
My shoulders tense, caving in as I crack my knuckles nervously. The sound seems much louder than the teacher's lesson.
Something is not right here. My eyes dart up to the front, staring at the digital clock on the classroom wall.
...11:39.
Class is ending soon. But the dreadful pit in my stomach doesn't fade away. It only gnaws at my mind.
It only grows wider when the teacher stops talking and erases the chalkboard behind her. It only sinks deeper when the chairs screech irritatingly as people stand up, packing their bags and placing their books inside. It only feels worse when the bell rings, doors swooshing open as they all leave.
It takes a moment for me to follow suit. I don't want anybody asking me what's wrong.
They shouldn't worry about me. They have their own things to focus on. Rui and Nene are probably waiting for me in the roof already, too. I eat lunch with them.
My footsteps echo through the stairwell as I make my way up to the rooftop. I push open the heavy door, walking over to the two sitting on a bench.
"There you are, Tsukasa." Rui smiles. Something about it throws me off, but I don't mention it. I should get some more sleep tonight. "Did you stay behind again?"
"..Yeah." The answer tumbles out of my mouth, unwarranted. "How are you two?"
"Good." Nene replies, nodding in confirmation. "Started a new project today."
The conversation feels plainly natural. Boring. Like a script being recited.
Why do I feel this way? There must be something wrong. Perhaps I should take a visit to the...
"You didn't bring a lunch today." Rui points out. I look down at my bag.
Oh.
I must have forgotten.
Nene tilts her head to the side, "We can share some of our food if you'd like." She offers kindly. She pushes her bento towards me, taking out an extra fork. "Take some, I don't mind."
Rui nods in agreement, quickly following suit. He sets his notebook to the side, taking out his own bento. "Here!"
"You guys don't have to do that," I mumble, "I'm fine, really."
"Nonsense," Rui shakes his head. "Eating a healthy meal is important, you know." He takes out his own pair of chopsticks. "If you won't eat, I suppose I'll have to feed you myself..."
"Don't do that." I spit out, taking Nene's fork. "I'll eat on my own accord, thank you very much..."
Rui chuckles lightly, glancing over at a smiling Nene. "Why, you're welcome, Tsukasa-kun."
He begins eating parts of his own bento. From the rice, to the meat, to the eggs and vegetables....
..Vegetables?
Since when did Rui eat vegetables? Didn't he hate them?
But he seems to enjoy it. Seeing Rui eat during lunch in general feels... awkward. Foreign.
He doesn't do it often, does he-?
But...
Wait, no. That can't be right, this can't be...
"Tsukasa?" Nene calls out, interrupting my train of thought. "Are you going to eat or not-?"
Oh. Right.
"Sorry, yeah."
Nene shakes her head, pushing the bento further my way. "Don't apologize, you're fine." She says to me. I appreciate it.
Maybe I'm just overthinking. I have to be. This is normal, isn't it? There's nothing wrong with Rui eating vegetables. There's nothing wrong with him bringing food to school. This is normal, it happens every day.
There's nothing wrong. Everything is perfectly normal, isn't it? That's just how it goes. That's always how it goes- it's always been this way.
The rest of the school day seems to fly right by. After lunch, it's back to notes. Listen to the teacher. Do homework. Study. After-school activities. Smile and wave at anybody who says hi in the hallways. Tutor a few students, help them learn. Make sure they understand.
It's the same repeating cycle, the same one that happens all the time. This is normal, this is how things go everyday. This is completely fine.
Even if I can't read the words I write down.
Even if the teacher's words are muffled, replaced by a deafening ringing in my ears.
Even if it feels like I'm talking to a wall when I teach the other students.
Even when it feels like there's someone calling out to me, begging me to listen to them.
Nothing is wrong.
Everything is perfectly fine.
We're all perfectly fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
I know what I want to be. I know my future. I pay attention in class. I get straight A's- almost top of the grade, right behind Rui. I take notes. I study for tests, I make sure everyone is happy.
This is fine. I'm just... not thinking right today.
Tomorrow, surely.
Tomorrow, everything will go back to normal. I will go back to Normal. It's always been this way.
The pathway home feels like it stretches out far and long, lasting forever. It feels repetitive, boring, bland.
The same loop, every day. Everything is the same. The faces of people passing by feel like they're melting into their own skin, colours drained from their body and leaving me standing out in the crowd.
That's not a good thing, is it? I don't wish for people to look at me like I'm some zoo animal.
Something to be gawked at. Something at the center of attention, hogging all the screen time.
I don't want to be in the limelight. I want to blend in.
As long as people are happy, it's fine with me. As long as I can complete my goals, secure my future, make people smile, help them feel better... everything is fine with me.
A screen on one of the buildings displays an advertisement for a new album. The virtual singer, Hatsune Miku.
Her voice rings out through the crowd as the speaks. I don't look at it, but I feel her eyes burning into the back of my skull.
For a split second, I turn to look at the screen.
Bright blue hair and sparkling eyes. Cat ears and a tail, paired with a colourful, circus-like outfit. The figure stares at me.
Tsukasa-kun...!
..That's not what Miku looks like.
Isn't it?
I shake my head grumbling and rubbing my eyes.
I look up. Hatsune Miku is on the screen. Teal pigtails, her official outfit.
Am I seeing things..?
No, that... that can't be. It must have been a silly little trick. Maybe it's a new design. Perhaps Saki or Nene would know about it.
It's not my problem. I couldn't care less about it.
...It must've been nothing. It had to have been nothing.
I have to get home quickly. I have homework to do. My parents are waiting for me. Saki will be, too. If she needs help with anything, I'll be the one to do so. It's my job, after all, as an older brother. I have to be responsible, don't I? I have to help everyone. It's what I want to do, anyway.
Home feels strangely empty. As if nothing inside it is real.
As if the smudged faces of my parents are nothing more than cardboard figures, emotionless marionettes moved around and controlled by a higher being. As if the voice of my sister saying 'hello!' holds no real emotion behind it.
I sit down at my desk, looking at the homework pages laid out in front of me. The letters, in all their printer ink glory, seem to scuttle across the sheets like tiny little ants. Mocking me.
I take out a pen. My hand is shaking. I don't know why.
Something doesn't feel right. I feel my arm move, I feel the pen lightly press down onto the paper, and yet I can't make out any of it. Even my own neat writing is unreadable, dancing around in circles. I don't think about it. I don't know what the questions are. But the next thing I know, one page is filled to the brim in tiny scribbles.
And I move onto the next, and to the next. Time seems to stretch on, vision blurring and ears ringing. I can't seem to control my own body. None of this feels real.
But another feeling begins to settle down in my stomach, a sinking feeling, mixing and blending with the fearful, unknown source of dread.
...I feel like something is watching me.