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Buck hates seeing Eddie so distraught. He knows that there’s almost nothing he can do except help him reconcile with his son, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. Whenever he gets a free minute, he tries to be there for his best friend.
And for a while, it works well. He’s there for Eddie and Eddie lets him help with whatever arbitrary thing he’s doing then; sometimes that means doing the dishes or doing the laundry and sometimes they just sit there, watching some mind-numbing show. It’s nice. But like all nice things in Buck’s life, it, too, comes to an abrupt end much too soon.
Eddie starts shutting himself off. Isolating himself. He’s not pretending to be okay, just shutting Buck out of his life. It starts with small things, like telling Buck to go eat with Tommy that night or laughing as he says he really doesn’t need help with his laundry.
Rationally, Buck knows he should be happy about it. Tommy’s his boyfriend, he should be happy about being able to spend more time with him. But there’s something off about the situation. Just a little, just enough to give him a weird feeling in his stomach, but not enough for him to actually understand what the feeling means or make any sense of it at all.
—
“Why the long face, Evan?” Tommy asks, laughing as he plops himself on the couch next to Buck.
Buck tries to laugh with him, but it doesn’t come out right. It’s hollow, devoid of any real feelings. It’s okay, though, because Tommy doesn’t notice. He doesn’t notice anything wrong, actually, not as he undresses Buck nor as they walk up the stairs to his bed. But Buck isn’t quite there. His body is there, that much is clear. But his mind is somewhere quite completely different. Somewhere along the way Tommy notices and gets frustrated. Not worried, like Buck knows Eddie would. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong, just gets annoyed that Buck isn’t feeling it and flies off the handle like he always does. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before though, and once he gets over his annoyance, everything’s okay.
Except that Buck’s head is still spinning, thinking circles around whatever’s happening with Eddie.
It hits him a little suddenly there, as Tommy says something that he doesn’t catch at all, what’s really wrong. Chris is gone. He’s in El Paso and Buck’s not so sure he’ll be coming back any time soon. He’ll have to come around at some point, but teenagers are stubborn, something Buck knows much too well, so it might take some time.
It’s a bit of a stupid realisation to be having then, of all the times he could have had it. So much time has already passed since the kid left. But only now does Buck think about how it affects him. That he’s lost Chris as well. He’s been left behind once more, this time by someone he never would have expected would leave so suddenly. He’d known Chris would leave eventually, but he’d assumed it would be for college, that Buck would still see him from time to time when he came back, would call with him and text and be there for him.
All this time, he’s been so focused on what it’s doing to Eddie, how Eddie must be having such a hard time, how bad things must be for him, that it’s taken him until now to realise that Eddie isn’t the only one who lost Chris.
Buck lost him too.
It hurts, now that he understands it. Because Chris might not be his son, biologically or in any other way except under conditions that Buck really does not want to dwell on. But he has still been there for Chris for longer than he hasn’t. He came into the boy’s life eight years ago and he never left. The kid trusted him, looked to him for help and came to him when he needed anything, even if that was just a little time away from his father because of a fight.
And here Eddie is, acting like he’s going through his own little private hell. As if Buck doesn’t exist, isn’t right there next to him in the exact same boat—falling into the same abyss—with him. It might be Eddie’s worst nightmare, but who's to say that it isn’t just bad for Buck? Buck whose worst fear has always been people leaving? Who has been plagued by the pain of being left behind for his entire life; by his sister, by every person he’s ever tried to love, and now, by Chris.
Fuck Eddie, if he doesn’t think this is affecting Buck. Fuck him for going through this alone; acting like this is his pain to bear alone.
It’s the middle of the night and Buck should stay in the bed, under the covers with Tommy. He knows he should. Because Tommy was so annoyed at him, and he’s only now calmed down as they laid down to sleep. But he’s already getting up, pulling his jeans up and buttoning them up.
“Where are you going?” Tommy asks, looking up at him blearily.
It’s kind of adorable. “I have to get to Eddie.”
The way Tommy scoffs at that isn’t even kind of adorable. It’s just kind of an asshole move, like most of the things that he’s done. “Of course, Eddie.”
“What does that mean?” Buck wishes he’d have held his tongue. He doesn’t have the energy to get into another fight that evening, not when he knows he’s about to say what he wants to say to Eddie.
“C’mon, you know.”
“No, I don’t,” Buck replies, annoyed because he’s sick and tired of Tommy and his stupid condescending tone. He has no right to make Buck feel stupid for not knowing whatever stupid fucking conclusion he’s come to. No right to make up some elaborate story and expect Buck to just know whatever he’s on about.
Tommy scoffs again. It seems to be the only thing he really knows how to do. “It’s always Eddie with you. Ever since Chris went away, it’s Eddie this and Eddie that and I can’t because Eddie. If I didn’t know better, I’d be jealous.”
“Maybe you should be.” The words tumble out before Buck can stop them and he hasn’t even fully processed them before he already regrets them. It’s incredibly mean and a low blow that he should be better than.
The fight doesn’t end well. Or maybe it does. They end things and, as Buck drives through the night with tears in his eyes, he feels a weight being lifted off of his chest.
Now comes the hard part, he finds himself thinking as he waltzes into Eddie’s house.
“What are you doing here?” Eddie asks. He looks adorable as he crinkles his eyes when he sees Buck from the doorway of his room.
“We need to talk.”
“Buck, it’s the middle of the night, can’t this wait?”
“No.” He tries to sound half as sure as he feels. It must work because Eddie sighs but pads out of his room to sit down next to Buck on his couch.
“What?” Eddie looks ahead, staring at nothing and everything to avoid Buck’s gaze.
“I’m here, Eddie,” Buck says, desperate.
Eddie stares at him confused. He looks half asleep and Buck should have known that this is how it would go. It’s how things have been going for the past few weeks. He really should have waited. But he’s done waiting. He can’t do it anymore. The waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing. He has to act or he swears he will explode. He’s already fucked up the one good thing he had going for him so he might as well fuck the second up in one night. What’s the worst that could happen?
“I’m here,” Buck repeats. “Stop closing yourself off from me. I’m here and I’m here to stay. Don’t leave, don’t retreat. I can help you but I can’t do anything if you’re actively stopping me from that.”
“Buck what’s this–”
Buck groans, turning around so he doesn’t end up smashing his fist into a wall in a fit of anger. God damn it, why is Eddie so oblivious? Why is he acting stupid?
“Eddie, I’m here,” as if saying it a third time would make it get through Eddie’s thick skull. “I’m here. And I lost Chris as well. You’re not the only one. He might have been your son, but he wasn’t nothing to me. Stop acting like yours is the only heart that was shattered by his decision. Stop acting like this is your burden to bear alone, when I’m here, standing right by your fucking side, just as fucking crushed by it all.”
“I don’t–”
“Of course, you do.” Buck walks towards Eddie, leaving only a fragment of space between them as he stares the other man down. “You understand. You don’t want to, but you do. Because the moment you understand that, you’ll get mad. They can hurt you with their ignorance, Chris can hurt you in his lashing out, your parents can disregard your feelings completely, but when it comes to me? You won’t let it slide. And if you get mad, you’re afraid you’ll get mad at Chris and that? You can’t risk that. Because, Eddie, it’s not his fault. He’s a kid. It’s your parents’.”
“You don’t know what you’re–” Except Eddie’s already breaking. Buck can see from the way he’s desperately trying to claw his way back to not caring, to his indifference, to not being mad.
“Baby, it hurt me. Chris leaving broke me, just like it broke you. Our kid left us, and he didn’t come to me when he got mad at you like he usually does. He went behind both our backs to your parents. That hurts.” Buck takes Eddie’s face in his hands, tips his head back to stare into those beautiful brown eyes. “Let it hurt.”
“I can’t. I don’t know how…” Eddie’s eyes well up and he doesn’t manage to finish his sentence before collapsing into Buck's arms. And Buck? He stays there. He keeps Eddie up, holds him close to his chest. Whispers sweet nothings to him, lets him calm down.
“I’m here, sweetheart,” Buck murmurs, tears streaking his cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says, once he’s calmed down. “I didn’t–”
“Baby, it’s all right,” Buck chuckles wetly.
“You always take care of me, I wanna return the favour,” Eddie tells him. He opens his arms and lets Buck put his head on his chest. “We can get through this. Together.”
It’s not quite the confession Buck had dreamed of as a kid but in his mind, it’s better. It’s a promise. They’ve got each other’s backs. They’ll get through this together.
“I love you,” Buck whispers. It’s not a confession, it’s a simple truth.
Eddie chuckles, presses a kiss to the crown of Buck’s head. “I love you, too.”
And that’s all there is. They’re two men, in love. Miserable, but together. Falling apart at the seams, but never alone. They’re eye to eye, standing together to face whatever hell they might find.