Chapter Text
Sirius was acting weird that morning.
Not the sort of gloomy weird he would act when him and Regulus fought, or the concerned weird he sometimes got the night of a full moon, but a giddy weird. Sirius had arisen from bed and brushed his teeth with more energy than he'd seen in at least the past week. When Remus tried to take five more minutes of rest, he was shaken awake by an equally-giddy looking James.
James, Sirius, and Peter were completely ready to head to breakfast while Remus was still walking towards the bathroom in his worn sweater and striped boxers, rubbing his eyes and smoothing his hair. "Go on without me. I won't be too long." Remus said. Sirius obliged, grabbed his school bag, and looked inside to confirm he wasn't missing anything. James was first out the door, Sirius grinning behind him, and Peter walking out alongside with his lips pressed shut like he was itching to say something.
Remus was only just entering the Great Hall, when he heard a voice loud as a mandrake in his ear. Not any voice, though. His own.
Remus looked around, to see where the sound of his own voice had come from. He then saw a piece of parchment, folded in the middle as though it had wings, flapping towards him, his own voice leaping off the page and nearly shouting at him.
"Attention, faculty and student body! Breaking news from sixth-year Remus Lupin!" His eyes widened as possibilities raced through his head. This wouldn't be the first time Snape had publicly embarrassed him in the great hall, but Remus was astounded he would be able to pull off such a charm.
Remus snatched the paper and unfolded it, when his own voice read the paper aloud to him. The article, in a bold professional-looking newspaper style title read: The Undeniable and Tragic Sex Appeal of Professor McGonagall: An Essay.
Remus nearly choked. He looked up to see at least half the students and staff in the Great Hall for breakfast, looking at him with expressions of horror. He began to track down Snape with his eyes, scanning the Slytherin table, only to see that he too was holding an identical piece of parchment with a befuddled look on his face. He tracked his eyes back to the Gryffindors, where Lily looked absolutely distraught. Once Remus saw how Sirius' face was practically purple from holding in laughter, he knew this was his doing. Remus’ face flushed in anger as he looked back down to the article.
The paper read:
"There are certain qualities that set Professor McGonagall apart from the other teachers at Hogwarts—qualities that most students are too wise to speak of, but that are so glaringly obvious they cannot be ignored. It’s not just her sharp intellect, her commanding presence, or her flawless execution of Transfiguration. No, what really sets McGonagall apart is her undeniable sex appeal. It’s a rare breed of appeal, one that doesn’t scream for attention, but quietly demands it.
Take, for example, the way she commands respect without a wand or a word. That poised, dignified stance she strikes whenever she enters the room—a subtle grace that makes it impossible for anyone to look away. Her meticulous attention to detail as she adjusts her glasses or arranges her papers—there is something about her control that catches the eye. Her elegance is the kind that could make even the most self-assured young wizard blush, though most would never admit it. After all, no one wants to be caught staring at a professor in such a way.
But of course, there’s a certain tragedy in all of this. For despite her remarkable charm, the world has never fully appreciated the depth of McGonagall’s allure. While the world around her is busy falling for those who flaunt their looks, McGonagall’s quiet, understated magnetism goes unnoticed—leaving us poor, misled students to suffer in silence, wondering why our hearts race when she enters the room. It’s a loss for all of us, really, because if only she could understand just how captivating she truly is."
Remus thought his eyes may pop out from his head from how wide they were. His face was hot with embarrassment as well as pure rage. His appetite practically disappeared on the spot when he looked back up to see McGonagall at the end of the hall completely furious and scandalized. He turned right around gracelessly and ran off.
Classes were unfortunately completely unavoidable that day. First was their N.E.W.T.S. potions course, which was the very last class he desired to be in, as it required close proximity with his friends who were undoubtedly cheesing at the success of their scheme, as well as it being a class with Slytherin house.
Remus figured it would be far better to arrive early than late, so that he wouldn’t face the embarrassment of standing in a doorway with everyone staring at him a second time that day.
When he arrived, only a quiet Slytherin boy and Lily were there. Lily took a long look at him, almost like she was trying to decide wether to talk to him or not. Before she could decide, Remus approached her.
“That wasn’t me.” He whispered to her hurriedly. “This was Sirius’ doing, I know it was.” Lily let out an exasperated laugh. “You didn’t seriously think I wrote that, right?”
Lily seemed baffled. “I thought as much, but it was quite well-written, I wouldn't have expected Sirius to write such an essay. I’d assumed perhaps you’d lost a bet.” Remus throws his head back in distress and embarrassment, groaning at the idea that even his best friend might’ve thought the paper was actually his doing.
Slughorn entered from his office, took one look at Remus, suppressed an awkward look, and said “I believe I left the display vial of Amortentia in my office.” (The vial was on the front table). Slughorn then walked back into his office promptly. Remus sighed.
“Merlin, Lily, how do I let them know I didn't do this?”
“Surely McGonagall’s already figured it out. You're one of her favorite students, she knows you wouldn't do this.”
“Like you said, I could've lost a bet.” Students trickled into the classroom, each one taking a small look at Remus and either widening their eyes in horror or giggling at his despair.
James, Sirius, and Peter strolled in looking absolutely giddy. Remus fumed. Mainly because of the article, but also slightly because he couldn’t help but acknowledge how inexplicably gorgeous Sirius looked while smiling. “Enjoying yourself?” He asked bitterly to Sirius.
“Very much so! What an essay, Remus! What was the inspiration behind it? Have you been secretly fawning over Minnie all these years?” Sirius replied. It took every ounce of self control for Remus to not strangle him then and there.
“I know it was you, twat.”
“Oh? Was it? Then why’d you sign it?”
“You're bloody good at forgery and you know it.”
“Years of faking Hogsmeade permission slips.” He confessed. Remus looked away indignantly, needing to avert his eyes and take deep, calming breaths, before he lashed out and beat Sirius to a bloody pulp.
“Hey there, Evans.” James grinned at Lily, ignoring the conversation. She held her head up high.
“That was an immature and ridiculous prank you pulled, James.”
“Me? Who said I had anything to do with it?”
Lily scoffed, and went back to reading. Bile threatened to creep up Remus’ throat as Snape entered. Mulciber was with him, and he was always the more vocal of his hatred for their group. “Who knew Loony Lupin had a jones for older women?” He shouted. A few kids snickered. Remus flipped him off.
Slughorn had all the students collect at the front of the room. He fiddled with a couple vials, then began the lesson. Lily enthusiastically named each potion one at a time, going from left to right. “...Elixir of Life, Felix Felicis, and Amortentia.” She concluded.
“Quite correct! 10 points to Gryffindor. Now I’d like for us to take a closer look at Amortentia, as we’ve already studied up on Felix Felicis. Now, Amortentia is often referred to as a love potion, but I assure you, the only thing Amortentia brews is infatuation, not true love. The most fascinating part though, as I’m sure a lot of you have already figured out…” Slughorn said, watching a couple students take deep inhales, “is that Amortentia smells differently to each witch or wizard depending on what attracts them most. I, for one, smell rain and whiskey.” The class laughed. “Well come on, step up, I know you all are eager to see.”
James went up with Sirius, taking a big whiff of the potion. Sirius spoke first “Forest.” He said simply, but the other boys new he meant the Forbidden Forest. Sirius was always most keen on exploring out there on full moon nights—he said it had felt “freeing” the first night they’d gone out in third year.
“Oh come on now, everyone smells at least two things. What else, Mr. Black?” Slughorn pressed.
“I dunno… leather?” His leather jacket. Figures. “Oh, uh, chocolate.” Sirius looked to Remus with a small teasing look. Remus furrowed his brows, thinking of the half eaten chocolate bar in his school bag he’d anxiously snacked on this morning in lieu of breakfast. Surely Sirius was still making fun of him from the events that morning. Remus would be delusional to believe Sirius actually would smell something so undeniably Remus-like in Amortentia.
James stood straight up, having thoroughly examined the scent from his Amortentia. He rattled off the scents he collected like he was reciting a grocery list. “Wood,” Most likely his Quidditch broom, Remus concurred, “smoke,” James continued, most likely thinking of the Gryffindor common room, “and strawberries,” he ended with a grin. Lily’s favorite food. He really was laying it on thick.
Lily described smelling parchment, and citrus, but lost her track of thought in the middle of her list, seemingly smelling something unexpected. Peter nudged Remus on the arm. “You gonna tell us what you smell, Shakespeare?” His friends laughed. Remus glared at Peter who was smiling, pleased with himself.
“Earl Grey. The library. And…” Cigarettes. Though he didn’t want to say that with Slughorn listening to his conversation. He also heavily associated the scent with Sirius from their late night smoke breaks in the Clocktower Courtyard. He didn’t need Sirius teasing him the next time they were out for a stroll.
The class passed, Remus angrily tapping his fingers along the table as they jotted down the recipe of Amortentia, Slughorn going on about the witch who first brewed it, trying to tune out whatever ridiculous teasing quip Sirius had for him. James tried to speak with Lily, but practically was flirting with a brick wall. Peter conversed with Mary as though everything was normal.
Lily looked to Remus who was staring at his paper blankly, clearly still worrying about the article. James was in the middle of telling her all about the upcoming quidditch game, to no avail. “Y’know, you could always get him back.” Lily spoke to him.
“What?” Remus responded.
“Prank him back.”
“Are you, of all people, suggesting that I should pull a prank on Sirius?”
“No, no, not just a prank. Sirius created a scene in front of the entire school at your expense. So you know what you have to do?”
Remus shrugged.
“You have to create a scandal.”