Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Your name is Dave Strider, and you are Sort Of Freaking Out.

You never expected the SBaHJ movies to get popular.  Not really.  The original animated version of The Moive was a creative project you made in your spare time to keep from going insane as a teenager thrust into the tail end of an intergalactic war.  SBaHJ had already been growing in popularity as the world’s top webcomic in an era where people longed for escapism as surreal as the alien warfare surrounding them, but when you had posted The Moive instead of that week’s strip, you had expected the die-hard fans to really enjoy it, and the casuals to take one look and decide to wait for the next comic.

But here you are, three movies and a peace treaty later, and somehow you’re still making these things.  And people are loving it.  It had only taken one look at The Moive’s popularity for a studio to start forking out the moolah to turn it into real movies.  With fucking actors and theatres and everything.  They didn’t care that it was terrible, only that it was popular.  

And somehow despite all that popularity, not once has anyone bothered to really look at the themes of the SBaHJ oeuvre.  People see flashing lights and stupid bullshit and revel in the invitation to turn their brains off for a couple of hours.  Even Rose missed it, instead getting bogged down in her analysis of your passion for only sharing your worst works with the world, while concealing your more serious creative pursuits for fear of rejection.  And like, sure, on one level she was right.  But even she hasn’t bothered to look deeper and see the serious creative decisions you’ve poured into SBaHJ over the years.  Nobody has.

Until now.

Until some random troll you liked to fuck with had subjected himself to watching your fourth film, under extreme duress.  

You hadn’t been able to resist responding, as stupid as it was.  Having a secret personal account is a blessing; an easy way to avoid the internet hordes and dick around the way you always have without attracting all the eyes now attached to the Dave Strider brand.  Only your closest friends know who turntechGodhead is, and you intend to keep it that way.  Dave Strider definitely shouldn’t have anything to do with turntechGodhead, and definitely shouldn’t be interacting with TG’s favourite troll to fuck with.

But here you are, feeling shellshocked and lightheaded as your fingers still rest on the keys, slowly processing everything you just read over the last two hours, fifteen minutes, and forty seconds.  Everything about your life’s work is different now.  It’s not just that one person figured it out.  You’ve confirmed it publicly now, in one idiotic, impulsive moment of needing to be seen, a feeling you’ve never had before in your life.  The amount of fame you’ve acrued is uncomfortable as it is, and that was when people just thought you were some shithead ruining and/or improving cinema.  Now you’re going to be painted as some kind of revolutionary auteur, and the scrutiny that’s no doubt going to follow is going to be worse than ever.

You are so fucked.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]--

TG: bro i fucked up bad
TG: real bad
TG: i fucked up so bad up doesnt even wanna cuddle
TG: its out of bed to go finish itself off in the bathroom
TG: leaving me sitting there in horny shame listening to it moan some other guys name
TG: not even pretending to just be taking a piss
TG: it wants me to know just how bad i fucked it
TG: up i mean
TG: because i fucked up
TG: badly
EB: oh jeez, what did you do?
TG: look at my tumblr dude
TG: not the incognito one the official one
EB: woah
EB: woah what?????  is this for real?
TG: unfortunately yeah surprise
TG: sbahj was never dumb bullshit after all
TG: i mean it was
TG: but like dumb bullshit with meanings and stuff
TG: cant believe it took some fucking douchebag troll to figure it out
TG: and i couldnt keep my idiot mouth closed and now im fucked
TG: the press is gonna be insufferable
TG: ROSE is gonna be insufferable
TG: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
EB: damn dude
EB: i can’t believe all this stuff was like, actually on purpose!
EB: i mean, i know you do things for creative reasons or whatever, but it is pretty surreal that you hid basically a whole secret movie inside your movie!
EB: are they all like that?
TG: yes dude they are all like that ill give you the whole strider cinematic universe loredump once im done having this crisis
TG: which it would be really cool to focus on first
EB: right!  of course, sorry!  
EB: so, what are you gonna do now?
TG: i dont even fucking know
TG: i can not stress enough how little i thought this through
TG: just charged on in there dick first
TG: fuck my phone is blowing up my agent is gonna kill me
TG: theyre gonna make me do interviews
TG: interviews john.  interviews.
EB: damn dude, well you know if you ever need to hide from the press you are welcome to come hang with me!!!!!
EB: i’ll be honest though, my mind is still a little bit blown!  why didn’t you tell anyone you were doing that?
TG: i dunno i wanted to be subtle and shit
TG: get my feelings about the war out without rose dragging me in to chop my brain up for spare parts you know
TG: maybe spread some subliminal messaging or whatever
TG: not in a creepy hypnotist way though
TG: all wavin their watch in front of some guy’s face 
TG: you are getting very sleeeeeeepy
TG: and then they make the guy take his pants off and fart the national anthem or whatever
TG: although that does sound like something that would happen in sbahj
TG: not the point
TG: point is more like i was trying to put in people’s heads like
TG: hey look how dumb all this bullshit is
TG: who knows if it worked
TG: but yeah thats whats up
EB: damn dude
EB: sorry i can’t be more comforting i guess!  this is just gonna be awkward for a while i think!
TG: i cant believe of all people it was fucking carcinogeneticist
TG: car cat
TG: whatever
TG: the asshole who makes fun of all your movies and takes like 0 prompting to fly into a hilarious rage
TG: of all fucking people how did he see it
EB: i dunno! 
TG: fuck okay my agent has called me five times while we’ve been talking i gotta take this
TG: brb

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

You talk to your agent.  Unfortunately.  She is... understandably simultaneously pissed that you pulled such a big stunt without warning her and delighted at the attention it’s going to bring to The Movovie’s actual cinematic release.  She is lining up an onslaught of new interviews, and a single glance at your updated google calendar is enough to have your head spinning.  So much for getting a moment to clear your head before the premiere.  Your days quickly begin to blend into one another; switching from suit to suit, interview to interview, discomfort to discomfort.  

You do your best not to let it show, more relieved than ever that Dave Strider’s public persona has always been a relatively chilly guy.  Dave Strider, Director is the coolkid that Dave Strider, Regular Guy always used to want people to think he was.  You can get away with one word answers and joking to dodge the more difficult questions, and it all just feels like part of the mystique of your personal brand.  And all the interviews and appearances do serve a purpose; you are legitimately too busy to answer any of Rose’s many prying questions, or the long walls of orange text you’ve been receiving from Dirk, who is by far the most pissed of anybody about not having gotten it.

But in the middle of all the noise and chaos, there’s been one distraction gnawing at your mind, keeping you from paying your full attention to calming down the shitstorm you’ve kicked up.  This guy.  carcinoGeneticist.  How did some random troll sift through all the bullshit you shrouded your deepest thoughts in and dig out the nugget of realness so easily?

And how did this troll in particular manage it?  You’re not obsessed, you’re not obsessed, but you’ve spent every free second scrolling back through his entire Grumblr blog, picking through the walls of caps-lock rants with a fervor you never did when all you wanted to do was mess with this guy for messing with John.  It doesn’t make any fucking god damn sense.  When it comes to movies, he seems to have two modes; mocking everything Earth has ever produced, and gushing over the most incomprehensible romcoms you’ve ever heard of.  And Dane Cook, weirdly.

You’re not quite willing to stoop to watching Dane Cook movies in order to understand this guy better, but after reading a review that was equal parts confusing and baffling, you find yourself tempted by one of the unnecessarily verbose troll movies he’s been going on about.  You lost interest in the movie’s summary of itself about two sentences into the title, but the way carcinoGeneticist goes on about it does actually make it sound interesting.  Or bad enough to be entertaining, at least.

You can’t find a version of the movie anywhere with an English dub, but you can track one down with subtitles at least.  You really ought to actually learn some Alternian at some point, but every troll you’ve ever interacted with seems to speak English, so you’ve never bothered.  American exceptionalism, you suppose.  Damn.

You’re less than ten minutes into the movie before you need someone to talk about this shit with.  You’ve never been great at sitting through movies without commenting on them, and this thing is just so far outside of your experience.  You need to ramble.

And you can only think of one person who would actually know what you’re rambling about.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: holy shit dude
TG: im watching 
TG: fuck what was it
TG: “in which a yellow chick pretends to be a juggalo so she can date a racist”?
CG: YOU MEAN “IN WHICH A MUSTARDBLOOD ATTEMPTS TO DISGUISE HERSELF AS A SUBJUGGLATOR IN ORDER TO ADEQUATELY CHALLENGE A CASTE-CONSCIOUS BLUEBLOOD AS A KISMESIS.  DURING A COURTSHIP STRIFE THE MUSTARDBLOOD IS INJURED, BUT TO HER SURPRISE HER BLUEBLOOD INTENDED IS SO INCENSED BY THE LACK OF RESPECT FOR THE CASTE SYSTEM THAT SHE IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTS THE MUSTARDBLOOD AS HER KISMESIS.  THE PAIR PROCEED TO CONTINUE TO ATTEMPT TO HIDE THE MUSTARDBLOOD’S CASTE FROM THE OTHER SUBJUGGLATORS IN ORDER TO AVOID HER CULLING, AIDED BY THE MUSTARDBLOOD’S CERULEAN MOIRAIL.  CONTAINS SCENES OF MODERATE VIOLENCE, TWENTY FOUR USES OF CASTE-BASED SLURS, ONE EXPLICIT BLACKROM PAILING, AND TWO SCENES WHICH COULD BE CONSIDERED BLACK-PALE VACILLATION, AND BORDER ON PALE INFIDELITY.”?
TG: jesus christ how did you just remember that off the top of your head
TG: anyway yes that one
TG: saw your review and had to check this shit out
TG: cant say i understand shit of whats happening but its incredible
TG: why is the yellow chick so scared of spaceships
CG: IT’S A PRE-REVOLUTIONARY FILM.  MUSTARDBLOODS WITH HER PSIONIC ABILITIES WERE CONSCRIPTED TO SERVE AS HELMSMEN IN THE CONDESCE’S BATTLEFLEET.
CG: PURSUING HASNET PERHID ISN’T ONLY A ROMANTIC IDEAL BUT A REBELLION AGAINST THE CASTE SYSTEM ITSELF AND THE ROLE IT WANTS TO FORCE HER INTO.
CG: HASNET IS OBSESSED WITH HER PLACE IN SOCIETY AS A BLUEBLOOD AND KHUSSA’S INFERIOR PLACE ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM WOULD MAKE A BLUEBLOOD SEE HER AS AN INFERIOR CALIGNIOUS MATCH, HOWEVER WELL-MATCHED THEY MAY ACTUALLY BE.
CG: BUT POSITIONING HERSELF AS A SUBJUGGLATOR PUTS KHUSSA *ABOVE* HASNET IN SOCIETY AND FLIPS THE DYNAMIC.
CG: IT FORCES HASNET TO SEE BEYOND HER PREJUDICES.
CG: IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC.
CG: YOU TASTELESS FUCK.
TG: damn lol
TG: im definitely missing the cultural context to really appreciate this thing
CG: NO SHIT.
CG: ALSO WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
TG: cause im watching your hella crazy trollmance movie and i dont have anyone else to talk to about it
TG: damn that sounded sad
TG: i mean i dont know anyone else who’s actually seen it
TG: so they wouldnt appreciate my epic and cutting commentary on your crazy violent romantic slop
CG: SO YOU DECIDE TO REWARD ME FOR DIRECTING YOU TOWARDS SUPERIOR CINEMA BY TORTURING ME WITH YOUR INANE COMMENTARY?
TG: bingo baby
CG: WAIT, HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND THAT REVIEW?  I POSTED THAT LIKE A SWEEP AGO.
TG: oh weird
TG: anyway
TG: hey why do juggalos outrank like fucking everyone in your society that doesnt seem right

You have fun somehow, watching the most bizarre movie you’ve ever seen in your life.  Things that hit you as hilarious are somehow perfectly normal to all of the characters involved, and a level of violence that’s near-sickening and brings back some deeply unpleasant memories is played entirely for laughs.  Or, in one case; in an extremely horny way.  You know the basics of trolls whole “quadrant” thing, but watching it actually play out is... definitely an experience.  At some point CG actually must start watching alongside you, as he stops only remarking on your remarks, and starts pointing out more specific details about things going on on-screen.  You’ve tumbled into some kind of intergalactic movie night with the most annoying troll you’ve ever encountered, and it’s somehow the most enjoyable evening you’ve had in a long time.

CG – Karkat – is delightfully easy to wind up, and once he’s going, he’s going.  It’s almost more entertaining than the movie.  That is, until you ask when the two moirails are going to get it on, and then it’s much more entertaining than the movie.  Somehow his tirades are actually endearing, in a one-on-one setting.  This isn’t some kind of asshole persona he’s conjured up for Internet Points, the dude is really just Like This, and it’s the most fun you’ve ever had watching a movie with someone else.  He’s not annoyed at you for rambling, he’s annoyed at you for rambling wrong, and proceeding to ramble just as badly himself in the process.  The two of you together would get kicked out of any cinema in five minutes, guaranteed.  You kind of never want to watch another movie without him.

But all funny bullshit must come to an end, and before long the spaceship the fake juggalo tried to steal with her mind powers is being chased into the moonset by real juggalos, and the credits have begun to play.  So, that’s that.

TG: so thats that huh
CG: IF BY “so thats that huh” YOU MEAN; “WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH KARKAT FOR OPENING MY EYES TO THIS MASTERPIECE.  WHAT AN EXCELLENT INTRODUCTION TO THE STORIED AND EXTENSIVE CULTURAL TRADITION THAT IS TROLL CINEMA.  MY PERSPECTIVE HAS BEEN BROADENED AND I CAN’T WAIT TO APPRECIATE MORE OF THE CLASSIC WORKS OF ALTERNIA’S GREATEST DIRECTORS!”
CG: THEN YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME.
TG: wow you took the words right out of my mouth
TG: howd you know
CG: FUCK YOU.
TG: ok fine you can pick for our next movie night babe
TG: i picked a bad troll movie so you pick a bad human movie
TG: schoolfeed me how superior your culture is by comparison
TG: consider me your schoolhungry grub
CG: GROSS.
CG: ALSO FUCK YOU.
CG: I’LL LET YOU KNOW.
TG: tight

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

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Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you know exactly where your life went wrong.

It had been a mistake, rising to TG’s bait.  You knew that at the time, of course, but you had hoped if you at least half paid attention to the stupid “movovie” enough to post some kind of passably informed review of just exactly how trash it was, he might get off your back.  Let you go back to relentlessly demolishing humanity’s cinematic history in peace.

But no, somehow you had managed to be the only genius depraved enough to actually understand the mind of the imbecilic fucksponge who made these things.  And naturally you had to go and run your big, stupid mouth about it.  Granted, you never really expected it to be such a big deal.  Sure, nobody else had noticed at the time, but it was just a movie.  And now you’re getting calls from news stations, Feferi has had to make a statement about your blog, and Eridan of all people has had to get your back with highbloods, stamping out some of the more caste-ist rumblings that you’re a traitor whispering in Feferi’s ear to poison her - something you haven’t heard since the treaty was being negotiated, a process you were very deliberately excluded from.  (That had been all Feferi and Terezi, despite multiple tantrums from nosier members of your group.  Vriska was the hardest to exclude, but eventually even she had been convinced that a person with mind control powers maybe shouldn’t be involved in such delicate intergalactic politics.)

But here you are, back in that glaring red spotlight, all because you couldn’t keep your idiotic squawk blister shut about the shittiest movie ever made.  You haven’t even looked at your e-mail in days, the thing flooded with inane requests for comment from the most dribblingly lurid of tabloids.  Olive Weekly is insistent that your tirades against Dave Strider come from a place of black flirting, and the thought makes your guts twist in ways you really don't want to examine right now.

So you’ve turned off all publicly available messaging services, switched all your blog notifications to mutuals only so you won’t see the thousands of nookwipes clamoring for attention in the comments, and will be pretending you don’t know what e-mail is for at least the rest of the dark season.  Hopefully this will all blow over within that time.

The only messaging system you’re actually keeping up with is Trollian, and that’s mainly because it’s how the friends who are as usual picking up your shit with regards to intergalactic diplomacy prefer to contact you.  And, for some reason, the bulgelick who got you into this situation in the first place.

You don’t really know how Movie Mornings With TG evolved, but it’s become almost a daily thing at this point.  Pathetic, maybe, but you welcome the distraction of just shooting the shit with someone who seems to care substantially less about your new status than everyone else.  He just wants to watch terrible movies with someone willing to creatively tear them apart, and there’s something comforting to that.  A couple of hours a day where you can just forget that you’re at the center of an intergalactic cultural incident, and just be an asshole, hanging out like normal with some douchebag you met online.

CG: THIS IS A TRAVESTY.
CG: I CAN NOT *FATHOM* WHY THIS *MONSTROSITY* IS SO POPULAR WITH HUMANS.
CG: I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A MOVIE FOR WRIGGLERS!  
CG: I THOUGHT HUMAN WRIGGLER MEDIA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LESS VIOLENT THAN OURS!
TG: oh shit dude i know what happened lol
TG: you got the wrong lindsay lohan twin movie
TG: you were looking for the parent trap
TG: not i know who killed me
TG: lmao
TG: bro this movie is notoriously one of the worst pieces of shit ever made
TG: theres not a single human defending this garbage
TG: it won awards for being so trash
CG: OH.
CG: WELL SOMEHOW IT’S LESS FUN TO SHIT ON IF HUMANS ALSO KNOW IT’S TRASH.
TG: gotta say im surprised dude you usually love trash
TG: good luck chuck was nominated for razzies too
TG: lost out to this one actually
CG: WELL THAT GOES TO SHOW JUST HOW FUCKING APOCALYPTICALLY TERRIBLE THIS MOVIE WAS.
CG: MAYBE THERE’S HOPE FOR HUMANITY LEFT, IF YOU WERE AT LEAST ABLE TO TELL THAT *THIS* MOVIE WAS UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE.
TG: karkat thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me
TG: im blushing

Thankfully, you’re distracted from TG’s nauseating attempt to fluster you by a message from a far more welcome source.  Working together on the mother grub's care has had you and Kanaya spending a lot of time together and recently things have begun escalating to pretty blatant pale flirting, but you’re too cluckbeastshit to just outright ask her where you stand.  You’ve never been certain if her exclusive interest in females is confined to the concupiscent quadrants or extends to the conciliatory ones as well, and... well, you don’t want to assume.  But the other day, when you had been on a real tear about a particularly invasive e-mail, you were stopped mid-rant by the feeling of her touchstubs in your hair.  It only lasted moments, the barest of brushes, but your scalp had tingled for hours afterwards and you felt near-giddy with the small thrill that came of physical affection.  It’s been a long time since things with Gamzee fell apart, and you still feel a small spark in your bloodpusher just thinking about the touch.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: Karkat I Know You Have Been Avoiding Your Inbox And For Good Reason But A Situation Has Arisen Of Which You Should Be Made Aware
GA: Having Failed To Catch Your Attention An Invitation Has Been Extended To You Via Myself
GA: And To Myself As Well I Suspect As Bribery To Convince You To Go
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT.
GA: I Have Just Received An E Mail Inviting The Two Of Us To Attend The Red Carpet Premiere Of The Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff Movovie About Which All Of This Hubub Has Been Raised
GA: A Red Carpet Premiere Karkat
CG: OH FUCK
CG: ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FUCKING INFINITY HOW DESPERATELY DO YOU WANT TO CONVINCE ME TO GO AND BRING YOU?
GA: I Must Confess That The Answer Is Rather Close To Infinity
GA: It May Also Prove A Useful Diplomatic Tool
GA: I Have Already Spoken To Feferi And She Agrees
GA: Making A Showing On The Red Carpet Would Do A Great Deal To Assuage Human Fears That There May Be Retaliation For Striders “Digs” At Troll Culture
GA: Feferi Has Arranged For A Diplomatic Visa For One Human Week For The Two Of Us
GA: We Would Have Time To See The Sights
GA: As Well As Attend A Human Red Carpet Premiere
CG: FUCK.
CG: THE LAST THING I FUCKING WANT IS *MORE* ATTENTION OVER THIS!
CG: ALL I WANTED WAS A STUPID BLOG, WHERE I COULD HAPPILY AND QUIETLY POST MY STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT MOVIE REVIEWS!  BUT APPARENTLY I CAN’T EVEN HAVE THAT WITHOUT IT SOMEHOW BECOMING AN INTERGALACTIC FUCKING INCIDENT!
CG: IS THERE EVEN ANY POINT ARGUING?  IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU AND FEFERI HAVE ALREADY MADE MY FUCKING MIND UP FOR ME.
CG: JUST TELL ME HOW OVER-THE-TOP THE OUTFIT YOU’RE DESIGNING FOR ME IS, SO I KNOW HOW HARD TO SAY I’M ABSOLUTELY NOT FUCKING WEARING IT.
GA: I Promise It Is Very Tasteful
CG: FUCK.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

Damn it.  You could never refuse her anything she’s so excited about, and you both know it.  Even if it means going all the way to a different galaxy.  Even if it means getting dressed up and standing around in front of hundreds of cameras.  Even if it involves meeting Dave Strider.  Kanaya is so excited for this, and just the thought is like a little swoop of warm fuzzies.  She deserves it.  She deserves the world.  And maybe – just maybe, this trip might be an opportunity to figure things out.  No doubt you’ll be close together, dealing with stressful circumstances.  In any good romcom, these circumstances would have the two trolls tangled tight in a pile discussing their feelings within a day, and you feel your cheeks heat slightly just at the thought of it.  Yes, there are definitely advantages to going.

There are significant disadvantages though, and the thought of Dave Strider in his douchey shades and his douchey suits and his douchey personality sends a shiver down your spine.  In a bad way.  But not like that!  You shouldn’t let the possibility of filling one quadrant on this trip lead your mind to wander thinking about the others.  Besides, as compelling as a mind that would come up with a nutbeast-based code for imperial troop movements is, it’s a revulsed fascination.  Not a concupiscent one. Olive Weekly has just been getting into your pan.

While you’ve been consigning yourself to a fate comparable to spending the next week being repeatedly disembowelled, TG has been entertaining himself in your absence.

TG: gettin all heated up in my flusternuggets
TG: outright flushed here in my facial bloodlumps
TG: oh shit is that why you call it flushed
TG: some kinda mating display where you get your cheeks all red at each other
TG: or all rainbow
TG: hey how come you dont type in color like other trolls do
TG: you got gray blood or something
TG: when youre all flushy for someone do you just get grayer
TG: straight up monochromatic in this bitch
TG: lookin on me with my lascivious cherry cheeks all disgusted like
TG: how dare you
TG: get those lurid jowlbulbs out of my sight
TG: in my accidental display of inappropriately colorful blushglands ive accidentally triggered a storm of spades hatecrush
TG: we proceed on to a vacillating rivalmance for the ages 
TG: they couldnt make this shit up
TG: fuck sbahj the new blockbuster sensation of the sweep is here
TG: in which an outrageously sexy human chadlord accidentally initiates an epic bromance-turned-romance-turned-hatemance-turned-romance-turned-hatemance-turned-hatemance-turned-romance-turned-bromance with a lurid display of oral colorbumps
TG: contains explicit violence explicit macking and explicit broing down
TG: id watch it
TG: hell of a movie night
TG: hey
TG: karkat
TG: did i kill you
TG: did you die
TG: of sorrow
TG: because that movie isnt real and we cant watch it
TG: karkat
TG: karkat
TG: karkat
CG: I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE TIME TO TELL YOU JUST HOW INAPPROPRIATE ALL OF THAT FILTH WAS.  YOU’RE WORSE THAN THE PERVERTS WHO WROTE IWTCBGTDARJBITRHTTBCBADBHIBAIATJBIEWFOWGTCHITFQ ETC ETC ETC
CG: CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET.
TG: what
TG: yes
TG: a thousand percent
TG: you dont even know how many secrets ive got up in here
TG: my hairs full of em
TG: secrets i mean
TG: man we should watch mean girls youd fucking love it
TG: after we watch whatever that keysmash you just sent is
TG: whats the secret though
CG: STOP FUCKING BLATHERING.
CG: I’M ONLY TELLING YOU BECAUSE I NEED TO FREAK OUT, AND YOU’RE SOMEHOW THE ONLY PERSON WHO HASN’T BEEN WEIRD ABOUT ALL THE ATTENTION I’M GETTING FOR THIS WHOLE SHITTING REVIEW THING.
CG: SO CONGRATULATIONS, YOU SOMEHOW STUMBLED YOUR WORTHLESS ASS INTO THE ROLE OF TEMPORARY CONFIDANTE.
CG: AND I SAY TEMPORARY BECAUSE THIS WILL BE *INTERPLANETARY NEWS* IN A FEW FUCKING DAYS!  BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT MY LIFE IS NOW!
CG: THEY WANT ME AT THE FUCKING PREMIERE.  OF THE MOVIE.  MOVOVIE.  FUCK.
CG: ON EARTH.
TG: fuck for real
TG: damn thats crazy
TG: rubbing elbows with the greats huh
TG: maybe youll even get to meet dave strider
CG: UNFORTUNATELY LIKELY.
CG: I KEEP GETTING REQUESTS TO DO SOME KIND OF JOINT INTERVIEW THING WITH HIM FROM DIFFERENT TABLOIDS AND WHOEVER ELSE.  
CG: I’VE BEEN AVOIDING IT LIKE THE PLAGUE, BECAUSE I’D RATHER TEAR OUT MY SHAME BLADDER AND SHOVE IT UP MY SEEDFLAP THAN TALK TO THAT DOUCHEBAG.
CG: BUT NOW I GUESS I’M FUCKED ON THAT FRONT TOO.
TG: man i swear you have to be making up some of this dumb troll anatomy
TG: but hey maybe it doesnt have to be a bad thing
TG: maybe dave strider is like a chill guy or something
TG: maybe youll be friends
CG: MAYBE!  AND MAYBE YOUR HUMAN SANTA CLAUS WILL COME DOWN FROM THE SKY AND MAKE OUT WITH YOUR HUMAN JESUS RIGHT THERE ON THE RED CARPET, BECAUSE THAT SEEMS EXACTLY AS LIKELY AS ME GETTING ALONG WITH THAT RAMPAGING PUSTULE ON THE FACE OF HUMAN CINEMA!
TG: damn dude getting me all hot and bothered thinking bout santa and jesus sloppy makeouts
CG: I AM FREAKING OUT, TG.  THIS IS WORST-CASE.
CG: I HAVE TO MEET THAT FREAK.  ON A RED CARPET.  IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
CG: I HAVE TO WEAR A SUIT AND BE IN PHOTOGRAPHS.
CG: I HAVE TO SOMEHOW REPRESENT MY ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES AND *NOT* LOSE MY COOL IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF YOU GORMLESS FUCKS!
CG: I HAVE TO MAINTAIN A LEVEL OF ALOOFNESS SO THAT THE TROLLS WATCHING DON’T THINK I’VE BEEN A HUMAN TRAITOR ALL ALONG!
CG: WHICH WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY FUCKING DIFFICULT THING TO CONVINCE THEM OF, FOR REASONS THAT ARE NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!
CG: I AM ***FUCKED***!
TG: damn ok
TG: thats pretty serious yeah
TG: in that case im breaking out the big guns
TG: im callin it dude
TG: double movie night
TG: were watching mean girls
CG: WHY WOULD A HUMAN MOVIE ABOUT CRUEL FEMALES CHEER ME UP
TG: just trust me okay this will be so exactly your shit its embarrassing
TG: i can already hear the rants about regina and janices kissytube

Earth.  A whole different planet, in a whole different galaxy to Alternia.  It only took a couple of transportalizer hops and here you are, flashing the ambassadorial visa Feferi gave you, and being shown from the secure facility into a secure wheeled scuttlebuggy, to take you to your secure hotel.  You feel like a wriggler whose Lusus is too protective to let them play “who can hit each other with the biggest stick?” with the other children.

You somehow manage to forget that everything on Earth happens during the daytime until you leave the building, slapping a hand over your ganderbulbs and cringing from the sun’s rays instinctively.  It’s only when you hear Kanaya make a small joyful chirr that you take a peek, softening slightly at the sight of her enjoying the sun on her skin.  

“It’s not nearly as intense as I’m used to, but it’s quite refreshing not being the only one out in the day.”  She smiles as she looks back at you, and you’re struck all at once by a deep wave of feelings.  You see her shining in the sun all alone in her lawnring, knowing she’ll never share these moments with anyone she loves.  

The thought is enough to propel you forwards, out of the safety of the building’s shelter and into the sun, into sunlight for the first time in your life.  It feels strange – warm without burning, though even after uncovering them you’re having trouble doing much more than squinting your ganderbulbs.  “How can you see like this?”  You ask, having made it an entire thirty seconds without complaining.  “It’s so bright out.  I almost understand why certain douchebag humans are so married to their hideous “shades”.”

Her smile is so warm that you can’t quite help smiling back.  Before you even know it she’s reaching for you, and her hand brushes softly over your hair again, and your bloodpusher aches with pity and affection.  It’s inappropriate – outright indecent with your human guards around – but you reach up, just for a moment, and touch her hand with your own.

Her smile glows brighter than even Alternia’s sun ever has.

Your hotel suite is ludicrously extravagant, and you can’t help wondering whether this is Feferi’s idea of diplomatic digs, or something Strider set up to flex on you.  When you test out the ablution trap and discover the delicious array of cleanseliquids available to you, you mentally thank Feferi for the fact that you now smell like a blend of what must be some kind of delicious Earth spices.  When you look out the (enormous) windows and realise you have a perfect view of the bulb-searing neon sopor trip that can only be the SBaHJ production studio, you curse Strider for making you witness a physical manifestation of his atrocities.  As if it’s not bad enough that you’ll be spending the evening in a shrine to his lack of taste, you can’t even enjoy the view without him polluting it.

You and Kanaya haven’t talked about the moment you shared yet, but the conversation starters you’ve been mentally rehearsing all through your ablutions disintegrate in a second when you return to the shared recreation block.  She’s clearly taken care of her own ablutions, wrapped in a robe that looks almost painfully fluffy, and she’s halfway to your block, with... something under her arm.

“Oh, there you are!”  She says, unnervingly cheerful as she hands over the long, flat bag.  “It’s not my most creative work, I had to get these done on very short notice of course, but I think it’ll be perfect.  Appropriately formal for a red carpet and very stylish by current human trends, but nothing so gaudy as to go outside your comfort zone.”

Fuck.  “Oh.  Thanks.”  You haven't given a single thought to what you're going to wear to this thing, trusting Kanaya to take charge in her area of expertise, and you know she definitely wouldn’t want to show up with someone in the same turtleneck and jeans he wore eating grubchips on the loungeplank while having his ass kicked by Sollux at Command of Drones.  Your nerves stand on end as you look through the bag’s transparent side, relieved to at least not see any sign of anything glittering or lacy.  So far so good.

“I’m going to go get changed, call me if you need any help.”  She smiles, and she’s gone before you can ask any follow-up questions.  Great.

It’s... not nearly as bad as it could have been, actually.  She meant it when she said she wasn’t going outside your comfort zone.  (Though you do immediately ignore the small red-lined cape she’s tucked in there.  Not a chance.)  It’s mostly a more elegant version of what you usually wear – a well-fitted black velvet turtleneck with your sign tastefully embroidered over the bloodpusher, and what you assume must be human-stylish trousers.  The waist feels ridiculously high and the legs ridiculously wide, with impossibly neat creases along the front and back.  Combined with a pair of shiny black shoes, when you look at yourself in the mirror, you almost see someone impressive.  Someone who wouldn’t jut out like a sore frond on a real red carpet.  Which is where you’re going.  Fuck.

It hardly takes you any time to get ready so you return to the recblock and flick through the human tv channels, just taking in what it’s like to watch human tv the normal way.  On a tv you can channel surf on.  On Earth.

You’ve just started getting invested in an episode of some obscenely trashy show about wealthy hive-matesprits when Kanaya emerges from her respiteblock, tranformed beyond belief.  She’s always been beautiful – so beautiful it’s almost annoying – but dressed like this she is so obviously in her element that you can’t quite hold in a small gasp.  Her gown is sparkly, but she looks like she was hatched to wear sparkles.  Her symbol is emblazoned large on the front, with an opening in the middle to display a frankly risqué amount of rumblesphere.  Drapes of sheer fabric cover the upper half of each arm and hang down well below her hips, where they brush against the long, trailing skirt, slit all the way up to the hip on one side but full enough to only reveal tasteful peeks of leg.  She is stunning.

“Wow...”  You say softly, lost for words for a second, then shake yourself out of it.  “You don’t need me to get in.  Show up dressed like that and they’d have to let you in even without a pass.”

She smiles sweetly and fusses with her sleeve-drapes for a moment before crossing the room, gesturing for you to stand up.  “How does this fit?  I had to make some assumptions about your measurements, but I’m fairly sure it should be fine.”  Her hands are on you again but firmer this time, straightening your collar and tugging at your waistband, pulling it even higher on your torso.

“Are these supposed to come right up over my grubscars?”  You ask with an accompanying chirrup as she yanks on something near your torso pillar, the thick waistband pulling you in even tighter.  You kind of like the pulled in waist, even if you’d never admit it.  It’s almost feminine, makes you feel tough in the way that seems to come so naturally to female trolls.  You definitely need that kind of strength to get through tonight.

“It’s the height of human fashion.  I’ve been studying their formal events closely, to ensure we would rise appropriately to the dress code.”  Apparently satisfied with the proportions she’s cinched you into, Kanaya steps back, suddenly looking bashful at having put her hands all over you so thoughtlessly.  “You look perfect.  Understated elegance.  Though I do think the cape would pull it together...”  She adds wistfully, and the thoughts you’ve been turning over all day finally make their way to the front of the queue to your squawk blister.

“What are we?”  You blurt out, trying and failing to act confident as you reach out and actually take her hand, touch-stumps trembling as you lace them with hers.  “I mean, um, when... when they introduce us at this thing, should... it just be as friends, or-?”

Her smile could melt the frozen wastes as she squeezes your hand.  “I had... hoped it would be as moirails.”  She says softly, and you feel your face curve into a perfect mirror of hers.  “If you would like that...”

“Of course I would.”  Your pusher is racing, and you wish your stupid hands weren’t so stupid sweaty as you reach up to touch her cheek.  She doesn’t seem to mind, leaning in to the touch for a moment before stroking your hair in turn, and you feel like you could melt.  You feel safe, something you never expected to feel on another planet, halfway across the universe, surrounded by aliens.  

It isn’t long before stroking turns into fussing, and you let your hand drop as Kanaya finesses your snarls of hair into something she eventually seems to deem ‘good enough’.  With that done she gives you a painfully warm smile, linking her arm with yours effortlessly.  “Shall we go?”

Although nodding feels like you’ve agreed to attend your own execution, you just can’t be entirely mad with her by your side, trilling cheerfully on the way to the exit.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Dave Strider and it doesn’t matter how many times you do this shit, red carpets continue to be the fucking worst.

You give silent thanks that nobody can see you squinting or outright closing your eyes behind your shades as the camera flashes assault your already sensitive vision.  Rose has your arm tightly linked with hers and is helping to guide you down the carpet, making sure you stop and start at the appropriate intervals to have your picture taken by a seemingly neverending stream of assholes.  It’s a dance you wish you had a lot less practice at.

You make sure to catch up with Roxy and Dirk for a family photo though, as well as somehow managing to corral John and Jade for a couple of photos with your best friends.  (Dirk makes himself very scarce when he realises that Jade’s brought her cousin along for the ride, and you give silent thanks that you’re going to be much too busy to deal with that whole mess tonight.)

You get a few pictures with Ben, Owen, and Donald too, which quickly turns into a competition to see who can make the stupidest pose.  (Owen eventually runs away with it when an attempted handstand turns into kicking a hole in the backdrop and tearing his pants.)  With that done you link up with Rose again quickly, eager to get inside and away from all the shouting and flashing, somewhere you can take off the cool guy mask and just sit with your eyes and ears covered for a few minutes until you feel even slightly human again.

But there’s one more obstacle in the way, one you hadn’t even considered.  You’d had word just this morning that Karkat had accepted your invitation to the premiere - which was an interesting way to discover that you had invited him to the premiere - and now here he is in front of you, and it’s obvious that people are desperate for photos of the show of intergalactic peace that you’ve been lassoed into.

And man, there he is.  He’s somehow taller than you expected, only a little shorter than your own 6’2” frame, but the woman he’s with towers over the both of you as a reminder of how much taller most trolls are than humans.  So, Napoleon complex confirmed.  He’s broader than you are though, and stands like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.  From what you can see of his face through your squint he looks furious to be here, and it’s so endearing you feel your cheeks tug into a smirk before you even know it.  Rose is effortlessly subtle as she leads you over to him before stepping aside with Karkat’s guest, leaving the two of you facing one another for the first time.

“Fuck you for making me do this.”  Karkat grumbles, and man, there’s something rumbly and hitched to troll accents that really does it for you.  Damn it.  You swallow quickly and give what you hope comes across as a cocky laugh.  

“I didn’t even know you were coming.  My people must have set it up.  That’s the disadvantage of having people, man, they just do stuff.”  The sneer that answers your words actually sends a spike of worry through you for a second, and you touch him on the shoulder.

“Hey man, symbols of intergalactic peace, remember.  Try not to look like you wanna kill me in front of the ravenous hordes.”  You get a huff out of him at that one that you hope is laughter, and turn side-on to him, closing your eyes in the face of the wall of cameras.  It’s a bit of a dick move but you can’t quite resist leaning one arm on his shoulder, grinning broadly as you bring your head to rest atop your wrist.  You can’t see what his face is doing but the sound he’s making is all kinds of horrified, and his body is stiff as a board.  He smells like cinnamon and aniseed up close, and you kinda don’t care how pissed off he is with Dave Strider right now. You've always enjoyed your conversations online a bit more than is strictly platonic, but man there is something about this guy's physical presence that is really doing it for you.

But then the photo-op is done and you feel Rose’s arm link with yours again, leading you finally, finally away from the photographers and into the security of the theatre’s foyer.  It’s still crowded and noisy, but you can at least open your eyes and greet people as you pass through, shaking a few hands and dishing out a couple of high fives to the industry elite on your way through the crowd, to the private room waiting for you.

Dirk’s already been and gone, you can tell – he must have snuck through here when Jake showed up to take the chance to rest his own eyes and dodge his ex simultaneously.  Rose turns the light off as she leaves, and you are alone, in the dark, and it’s never felt so good.

You take a moment to just sit there with your own company as your eyes recover and your ears stop ringing, before the inevitable curiosity gets the better of you and you can’t resist pulling out your phone.  You mean to just make a douchebag post or two and skim the hashtag on a few different social media sites to see how the photos are coming out, but just a couple of scrolls deep you get a very unexpected Pesterchum notification.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: I’M DEAD.
CG: I’VE DIED AND THE DARK CARNIVAL HAS SENT ME STRAIGHT TO HELL’S PIT.
CG: IS THIS SOME KIND OF TRIAL?  A GAUNTLET YOUR CELEBRITIES HAVE TO ENDURE TO BE CONSIDERED WORTHY OF THEIR FAME?
CG: I DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS THE WAY HUMANS DID THINGS, BUT CLEARLY I WAS MISTAKEN.
CG: THE CARPETS ARE RED WITH THE BLOOD OF FALLEN SOCIALITES, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW.
TG: oh dude youre at the premiere right
TG: hows it going
TG: whats dave strider like
TG: is he tall
TG: is he handsome
TG: what does he smell like
TG: can you steal me some of his hair
CG: SHUT UP RIGHT NOW.
CG: STOP DRIBBLING YOUR HIDEOUS WORD SLUDGE.
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU NEED TO VOICE EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT THAT OOZES OUT OF YOUR IDIOCY BLADDER, BUT IT’S REALLY NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW.
CG: I’M IN A CROWD OF HUMANS AND I’VE LOST MY MOIRAIL AND SHE ISN’T ANSWERING HER PALMHUSK.
CG: I NEED HUMAN ADVICE.
CG: NAMELY: HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT OF A CROWD OF HUMANS.

You blanch slightly at the thought – crowds of humans are bad enough when you’re also a human, but there’s no doubt people are paying real close attention to the first troll they’ve ever seen.  You’ve gotten to know Karkat well enough to know that he’s not the kind of dude to feel at ease in the spotlight, and there’s a lot of pressure on all of you for this to go well.  You can’t imagine where would be important enough for his moirail to fuck off to, but you need to get him out of there before anything happens.

It’s a diplomatic responsibility.  That’s all.  TG would be rescuing him as a friend, but right now you’re Dave Strider, and Dave Strider would rescue him for purely impersonal reasons.  You tell yourself that, while trying to figure out a way to even make that happen.

TG: well shit
TG: listen if theres one thing big crowds of humans hate its little narrow staircases with keep out signs
TG: if you see a little narrow staircase with a keep out sign and hustle your walk cylinders right over there people will assume youre allowed and they arent
TG: should be enough to give you some space to breathe at least
CG: OKAY I SEE IT.
CG: THIS IS A REALLY CONVENIENT FEATURE TO BUILD INTO ALL YOUR ARCHITECTURE.
CG: A FREAKOUT CORRIDOR.
TG: yeah dude we love our human freakout corridors
TG: got em everywhere
TG: get your plush ass down to the conveniently provided freakout corridor and chillax until youre feeling calmer
TG: or until your moray eel texts you back
CG: GOT IT.
CG: THANKS.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Okay, cool.  So, he’s coming this way.  You can handle this.  You can handle this like Dave Strider, Famous Douchebag, who has nothing to do with turntechGodhead, Chill Guy, Karkat’s Best Human Friend.  No stress.

You wait what you hope is an appropriate amount of time for Karkat to cross the lobby and make his way down the quiet hallway your private room is off before you open the door, pretending you were just heading out to get a glass of wine or something.  Thankfully he’s there, and you do your best to keep your relief off Strider’s usual pokerface.

“Hey, Karkles.”  You greet him, giving an easy smirk.  “If you wanted to get me alone, all you had to do was ask.”

He growls, and you don’t think about how that makes you feel.  “Fuck the fuck off, Strider.  My pan feels like it’s going to explode from all the noise and lights, the last thing I need is you charging in to hit the button and blow my nub to smithereens.  Just leave me alone and let me catch my fucking breath in the freakout corridor, so I can go and track down my runaway moirail.”

As much as you enjoy a casual flirt with your best alien bro, you hadn’t been even remotely prepared for how you would react to him in the flesh.  Sure, troll accents and mannerisms are hot on screen, but there’s something just slightly uncanny valley about how he moves, and it’s fascinating.  Not to mention what that rumble in his chest is doing to you.  Against your better judgement, you step back and hold the door wider.  “It’s quiet in here, come in for a moment.  No funny business.”  You can’t quite resist adding with a cocky smirk, and to your relief it doesn’t put him off.

Karkat gives a small, low sigh as he enters your private room, tension in his shoulders un-knotting, and you close the door behind him, doing your best to be as Extremely Normal as possible.  Yep.  Normal.  You can totally handle this, normalstyle.  So normal that the world's most average motherfucker would look over and say "damn that dude makes me look like a weirdo by comparison".  That normal.

“Why the fuck are you sitting around in the dark?”  He grumbles after a moment, slumping into a chair and fussing with the waistband of his stupidly high pants.  You wish you thought they looked dumb, but there’s a Harry Styles quality you can’t quite be mad at, even though Karkat bears absolutely no resemblance to the pop star in any other way shape or form.

“I’ve got really sensitive eyes, dude.”  You can’t hold it back, even after spending years avoiding letting the public know.  “It’s why I wear the shades.  I always need to sit in the dark for a while to recover from all those fucking camera flashes.”

“Oh.”  He looks... almost contrite?  You didn’t think he was quite capable of that.  It strikes you that he’s never interacted with or even really thought of Dave Strider as a real person before – he’s a cardboard cutout just like he is to everyone else – a vessel to idolise... or loathe, in Karkat’s case.  But this is new to him.  TG is a person.  Dave Strider isn't.  “Well, you would fucking hate the sun on Alternia then.”

You chuckle, surprised at the remark, and drop back into your own seat.  “Pretty sure I would hate a lot of things on Alternia.”  You smirk, glad that he can’t see your eyes as you study him.  He’s so handsome, you’re almost mad about it.  Is this what all the stupid blackrom movies are about?

Karkat snorts again, and makes this strange buzzing trill noise at the same time, from somewhere deep in his chest.  You need to hear that noise again.

Unfortunately, he’s not interested in more conversation.  He pulls out the most bizarre cellphone you’ve ever seen in your life and falls silent, claws clacking slightly against its surface.  You’re surprised when a moment later a familiar handle pops up on your own phone.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: UGH.
CG: YOUR ADVICE ALMOST WORKED, BUT NOW I’M EVEN MORE FUCKED.
CG: STRIDER FOUND ME FUCKING *SOMEHOW*, AND NOW I’M ALONE IN HIS PRIVATE ROOM WITH HIM.
CG: HE WAS JUST SITTING HERE IN THE DARK LIKE A FREAK.
TG: oh shit youre with the big man himself
TG: dont know which one of you im more jealous of
TG: you should make out with him
TG: ask if i can have a pair of his underwear
CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT, YOU DISGUSTING FUCK.
CG: HE’S SHUT THE FUCK UP, AT LEAST.  I HAD EXPECTED SOMEONE SO TALENTED AT PUKING ALL OVER THE SCREEN WOULD BE EQUALLY INCLINED TO PUKE WORD-VOMIT ALL OVER NEARBY VICTIMS.
TG: aw dont worry baby you still have me for that
CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY I EVEN TROLLED YOU.  FUCK OFF.
TG: damn now striders gonna be jealous youre hateflirting with some other guy right in front of him

You’re distracted from the familiar comfort of riling Karkat up by another message alert, and it answers a whole lot of your concerns all at once.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Dave, we have a situation, in which I must admit my own culpability.
TT: After leaving you to your respite I struck up a rather fascinating conversation with Karkat’s plus-one, Kanaya.  We’ve had a couple of polite interactions online, and I had been hoping for the chance to get to know her better.
TT: However, our discussion led us to a quiet seat, and somewhere in the throng we must have lost Karkat.
TT: Kanaya is quite upset, she feels an intense duty to keep him safe during such a stressful event.
TT: Any resources you can offer to ensure he’s found as quickly as possible would be a great relief.
TG: jesus i cant believe youre such a big lesbian it almost caused an intergalactic incident
TG: karkat is fine dw
TG: were in my private room he needed a spot to chillax for a moment
TG: hes just sitting there on his phone he was flipping out a bit at first but hes fine now
TG: just sitting there quietly hating me
TG: my charms are working perfectly
TT: Thank you.  We’ll be right there.
TT: Do try to keep it in your pants.
TG: no promises dog

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

You look up at Karkat, still frowning deeply into his weird alien phone.  “That was Rose.”  His head snaps up abruptly as you break the silence.  “She’s with, uh...”  You glance down at your phone, knowing you should really have learned this in advance. “...Kanaya.  They’re on their way.”

He nods and makes a few clicking noises in the back of his throat.  (Are they involuntary?  Your head is spinning with possibilities.)  “Yeah, Kanaya just messaged me to say the same.”  He rumbles, failing not to let on just how relieved he is. 

You nod in return, clickless.  “Cool.”  As silence falls again, you flip back to your other chat window.

CG: I WOULD RATHER BE FISTFUCKED IN THE DISGUST NODULES THAN HATEFLIRT WITH EITHER OF YOU
CG: FUCK SORRY FOR VANISHING, KANAYA *FINALLY* ANSWERED MY MESSAGES, SHE GOT DISTRACTED BY A *GIRL*.  I’M SURROUNDED BY THE WORLD’S HORNIEST IDIOTS.
CG: SHE’S COMING TO RESCUE ME FROM STRIDER, THANK FUCK.
TG: congrats
TG: hey whats up with you saying horny anyway
TG: do your horns get bigger when youre boned up or what
TG: like the only horn we got is the one in our pants know what im sayin
TG: but you got like actual horns
TG: whats up with that
CG: IF THIS TURNS INTO ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO DISCUSS THE LEWDER PARTS OF OUR ANATOMICAL DIFFERENCES I WILL FIND WHERE YOU ARE AND SHIT ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
CG: I’M ON THE SAME PLANET NOW, THE THREAT IS MUCH LESS EMPTY.
TG: damn ok
TG: ill learn about the flapbeasts and buzznuggets someday

The comforting rhythm of familiar bickering is interrupted by your door opening, Karkat’s moirail entering the room in a rush of green and sequins.  She’s clinging to Karkat and they’ve switched languages, growling, clicking, and rumbling in a way you recognise well from movies, but can’t distinguish any words in for the life of you.  Aliens, man.  Aliens.  Her hands are in his hair, fussing and soothing, and his are stroking slow circles on her shoulders.  You’ve seen enough films to know that this is outrageous PDA between moirails, and it’s not something you’d expect from Karkat.

The culture really must be rubbing off on you, because it flusters you enough to actually look away.  Rose is still standing in the doorway, and you make a beeline for the familiar company of your sister.  “So, got a thing for trolls, huh?”  You murmur, careful not to tease her loud enough for the trolls to hear over the buzzing and trills of their own conversation.  She swats you on the arm a little harder than is sporting, then gives the spot an apologetic rub when she sees you bristle instinctively, hand dropping to the sword that isn't on your hip anymore.  Hasn't been for years.

“Sorry.”  She says quickly, before moving on with a shake of her head.  “And it’s not trolls, she’s just... a fascinating person.  I was enjoying the opportunity to get to know one another properly.”  Unlike you Rose doesn’t seem to have any qualms about observing the intimate display of conciliatory soothing, and before you’re even really thinking about it you’re pulling her back out into the freakout corridor.

“Give them a minute.  That’s, uh...”  You clear your throat, feeling your cheeks heat a bit.  “They’re doing, like, the moirail equivalent of making out, basically.  Didn’t take them for the PDA sort, but I guess being separated on an alien planet would freak anybody out.”

You can see Rose’s curiosity rising to near-unbearable levels at the revelation that she had been witnessing something so uniquely alien, but she restrains herself to responding with a nod.  “Those movies have been good for your cultural sensitivity.”  She says with a knowing smirk.  “Perhaps I ought to ask Kanaya to watch some with me, while she’s here.  Or recommend some literature, instead.  I do find the whole premise of “rainbow-drinkers” quite intriguing...”

You roll your eyes, swatting her on the arm partly in teasing and partly in forgiveness for earlier.  “Keep it in your pants, Lalonde.  They’re only here for a week.”

Her protests are cut off by Karkat and Kanaya joining you in the hallway, clearly a little flustered by their displays of affection.  Their fingers are still laced tight though, and you bite back an impulse to take Karkat’s other hand.  You are so fucked.

“Sorry about that.”  Karkat grumbles, and there’s a slight trill to his voice that wasn’t there before.  You wonder what it means.  “Unsettling situation.”

Kanaya nods, her voice softer and buzzier than Karkat’s low rumble.  “This whole experience has been.... disorientating, to say the least, and it was distressing to be separated.  We appreciate the privacy.”

You give her a nod of acknowledgement, and behind your shades your eyes slip to glance at Rose’s flustered expression.  “It’s cool.”  You say, linking arms with your twin and wondering what it looks like to the two of them.  “Can’t blame you needing a moment to prepare before witnessing one of my masterpieces.”

Karkat groans, clearly having forgotten why he was here in all the noise and chaos.  “Cull me.  Do I really have to sit through that technicolor visual enema again?  I survived the carpet gauntlet, can’t I just stay in this fucking room until it’s over?”  He rumbles something additional to Kanaya, and she clicks and chirps a few times in response.

“I’m rather looking forward to it, actually.  I must admit I’ve never seen any of your films before, and I’m quite curious to see if I pick up on the messaging and symbolism that stood out to Karkat on his first watch.”  There’s a slight quirk to her lip, and whatever the two of them shared, she’s clearly teasing him for it now.  He rumbles again, but she doesn’t pay it any mind.

“I’m curious to hear your takes on it.”  Rose doesn’t take her eye off Kanaya as the four of you begin making your way back to the lobby, some more willingly than others.  You tune out the flirting as it becomes more blatant, sharing a long-suffering glance with Karkat at one point, but then the pair of them are shown to their seats, you’re shown to yours, and before long the culmination of the last few years of work melts away all the stress of the day.

It’s late.  It’s ridiculously late, and you’ve had a couple too many at the afterparty.  (Rose was preoccupied enough with Kanaya that you didn’t have to worry about keeping her away from the bar, so you cut loose a little.  You’ve earned it.)  You’ve just collapsed into bed when you see your phone’s screen light up on your bedside table and despite your need to sleep you can’t quite resist the urge to pick it up, especially once you see who the message is from.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: I’M GOING TO SAY SOME NICE THINGS FOR A SECOND, DON’T SHIT YOURSELF.
CG: I WANTED TO THANK YOU, FOR TODAY.  THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, AND IT REALLY HELPS, HAVING A HUMAN I CAN ASK FOR ADVICE.  
CG: I KNEW YOU WERE ALIENS, BUT IT’S EASY TO UNDERESTIMATE ONLINE.  I’M GALAXIES AWAY FROM HOME, SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO MAKE NO SENSE TO ME, IN A SITUATION THAT I DON’T HAVE THE FIRST IDEA HOW TO HANDLE.  IT’S INTENSE.
CG: SO THANK YOU, FOR SOMEHOW MANAGING TO BE THE ONLY MEMBER OF YOUR SPECIES I CAN TOLERATE.
TG: dude im touched
TG: i love you too
CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK BLISTER, I ALREADY REGRET BEING NICE TO YOU.
CG: I ACTUALLY MESSAGED FOR A REASON THOUGH.
CG: I’M HERE FOR A WEEK, AND FEFERI WANTS US DOING STUPID PRESS MEETINGS AND WHATEVER ELSE, BUT SHE LEFT US SOME RECREATION TIME ON THE SCHEDULE.  TO SEE THE WONDERS OF EARTH OR SOME BULLSHIT.
CG: BUT I WAS WONDERING
CG: FUCK
CG: I MEAN, WE’RE NOT EXACTLY GOING TO BE ON THE SAME PLANET AGAIN ANY TIME SOON.
CG: I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE TO DO A MOVIE MORNING IN PERSON?
CG: OR MOVIE NIGHT, I SUPPOSE.  THOUGH THAT SOUNDS STUPID.  IT DOESN’T EVEN ALLITERATE.
CG: WHATEVER, IT’S NOT LIKE THE TIME MATTERS.

Fuck.

TG: shit dude id love to do a movie night but im in texas
CG: WHAT’S TEXAS?
CG: IS THAT ONE OF YOUR MOONS?
TG: dude youre full of shit
TG: youve watched plenty of our fucking movies you know about texas
TG: look its just a long way away from la is all
CG: YES BECAUSE A DIFFERENT LOCATION ON THE SAME PLANET IS GOING TO BE SUCH A LONG JOURNEY FOR A GUY WHO TRANSPORTALIZED HERE FROM FUCKING SPACE.
CG: WHERE IS HUMAN TEXAS?
CG: I’M SURE I CAN TRANSPORTALIZE THERE.

Fuck.

TG: no can do dude
TG: i guess i gotta let you in on my secret
TG: im fugly
TG: ive been catfishing you all along 
TG: cant let you cast your gazeorbs on this hellacious mug
TG: ive got a reputation as a suave and sexual motherfucker to maintain
CG: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK FISH HAVE TO DO WITH IT, BUT WHY WOULD I CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
CG: YOU’VE NEVER EVEN TOLD ME YOUR NAME.
CG: WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOUR NAME?  I JUST CALL YOU TG IN MY HEAD.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR NAME?
TG: you got me lol its tg
TG: nah its lame
TG: doug smith
TG: see boring lame ass name
TG: been hiding it in shame cause theres motherfuckers out there like dave strider with outrageously sicknasty cool names
CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE ANY OPINIONS ON THE COOLNESS/LAMENESS OF YOUR HUMAN NAMES?
CG: DOUG SMITH IS FINE.
CG: REMINDS ME OF DUXEE MYTTEE FROM IWARBAASDFAUCWCPTT ETC ETC ETC
TG: the purple douchebag?
CG: THE PURPLE DOUCHEBAG.
CG: SO REALLY NO MOVIE MORNING?
TG: no can do
TG: sorry bro 
CG: OH.

FUCK.

CG: NO.
CG: THATS COOL.
CG: WHATEVER.
CG: MAYBE NEXT TIME I TRAVEL ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE FUCKING UNIVERSE WE CAN HANG.
CG: “get our bro on” OR WHATEVER.
CG: NO ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITIES ON OFFER HERE.
TG: idk what to say dude
TG: im sorry
TG: i just cant

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are in hell.

That’s the only explanation.  At some point you died, and the Dark Carnival sent you rocketing right down into something far worse than fire and brimstone, because there’s no other circumstances in which it makes sense for your life to wind up here.  A woefully underprepared human is doing a terrible job of concealing both her fear of you and the bags under your eyes, stammering apologetically about not having any troll-appropriate cosmetics.  Apparently products don’t adhere to your skin the same way.  Which – whatever.

Kanaya is standing to the side looking profoundly judgemental of your dreadful mishmash of a makeover, and as you glance over you spot another worried looking human with a clipboard enter the room, open their mouth to speak, and trail off entirely at the sight of Kanaya towering over them, all grey skin and sweeping fabric.  

“You... um.... you’re needed on set, Mr. Vantas...”  The clipboard human stammers, and the makeup human looks overwhelmingly relieved to take their hands off you, standing well aside as you escape the torture device they call a makeup chair, and follow the clipboard human towards what might as well be the gallows.

The block is garishly lit, though not quite as bad as the red carpet the night before.  There are just about as many cameras though, all pointed threateningly at a desk and loungeplank which you’re fairly sure is going to be the site of your impending death.  You’re thankful that at least the rows of seats behind the cameras are empty.  The show has eschewed its usual live audience for security reasons – whether that’s for your benefit or the audience’s, you’re not sure.  You had never expected humans to be quite this jumpy around trolls, and it’s a strangely comforting reflection of just how uncomfortable you feel.

A suited human with the biggest, whitest teeth you’ve ever seen on this planet looks up from his notes, beaming at you with every single one of them as he makes his way over. 

“Karkat!”  The man is far too loud and trying far too had to be affable, and you stare at his extended hand for a long moment before remembering this is a thing humans do sometimes.  So much platonic touching, and you have no idea what kind is appropriate in these circumstances.  You pat his hand uncertainly, and you can tell from his expression that you’ve gotten that one wrong.  Great start.

“So great to have you here!”  The confusion disappears in an instant as the man lowers his hand, smile ratcheting even wider.  You almost want to bare your own teeth – this man is getting beyond grin territory into something closer to a threat.  “Now, I’ll be going fairly easy on you today, so there’s nothing to worry about.  All of our questions have been vetted and approved by diplomatic officials on both sides, we’re not here to throw you any big surprises.  All you have to do is relax and be yourself, and this whole thing will be a breeze, got it?”

Yourself.  Perfect.  Absolutely the worst thing to be in these circumstances, no problem.  You’ve never had any kind of media training – Feferi did a lot to keep you out of the press entirely throughout the peace talks, and while you’re absolutely certain that had been the right call in the moment, you desperately wish that somewhere in there you had managed to squeeze in some preparation for what’s happening now.

But the host whose name you’ve already forgotten is still grinning, so you do your best to grin back and nod, jaw clenched and tight as you answer.  “A breeze.  Yes.”  You nod again, and the man laughs as if you’ve told a joke.

“Fantastic!  Great, well, have a seat!  We’re just waiting for Strider, and we’ll get straight into it.”  He pats you on the shoulder and you fail not to flinch, scuttling away to the loungeplank in embarrassment as he goes back to his notes.  You glance helplessly at Kanaya, and you can see her hands clenching and unclenching with the instinct to stroke your hair and cheeks until you settle.  Just seeing her is a balm, and you manage to relax your grimace and unclench your hands, bringing one of them up to cover your eyes from the searing stage lights.  It’s almost peaceful if you can ignore the chatter and scurrying of humans readying themselves to record.  Almost.

“Theeeeeeeere he is!”  The host’s voice somehow manages to get even louder, and you begrudgingly uncover your eyes just in time to see Strider effortlessly grabbing the man’s hand and pulling him into a ridiculously over the top arm clench/back pat combo move.  Did the host expect you to know how to do that?!  You’ve seen it in movies, of course, but more and more you’re realising you have so little context for what those movies are actually portraying.  How do humans keep all these different platonic touches straight?

They’re chatting now, and then Strider’s shades are pointed at you.  Fuck.

And then they aren’t?  He looks around the room and huffs slightly.  “Dude, look, I know you’ve gotta make it look good for TV, but trolls are nocturnal.  Their eyes are mad sensitive.  Can we get some mood lighting up in this bitch, in the name of cultural respect?”

Your jaw slackens slightly as he speaks, and as the humans begin bustling around and tweaking settings and adjusting the lights to something much more bearable, you can’t take your eyes off him.  Apparently done with the host, Strider crosses the room and drops onto the loungeplank next to you with a soft huff.  He looks far more normal when he’s not wearing a bright red suit that looks like it was made for a magician for wrigglers, but there’s still something so closed off about him.

Even when he smirks at you it doesn’t feel real, and you flinch away slightly when he nudges you with his elbow.  “Benefits the both of us, bro.”  He says in an undertone, and somehow it sounds simultaneously like he’s letting you in on a secret and like he knows something you don’t.

“Yes, you told me about your stupid sensitive eyes.”  You grumble, doing the decency of keeping your voice down enough to avoid the other humans hearing.  “I didn’t realise asking them to turn down the lights was an option.”

He laughs, and it's nothing like you would have expected him to.  It’s not the small chuff of amusement you’ve heard him do in public – it’s a real laugh, with some strange twang to it, and it seems to bubble out of him from a completely different place than the stony exterior.  

“Dude, anything’s an option if you’re the coolest guy in the room.”  He’s not even trying to keep the smile – an actual smile – off his face now, and you’ve never been more conflicted about a person.  You had idly played with thoughts of sizing him up for some kind of holiday blackrom fling, but somehow in person Strider seems to constantly vacillate between being the world’s biggest douchebag and a fairly likeable guy.  One you might almost consider becoming “bros” with.

“I mean, you and Kanaya are the only aliens on this fucking planet, whatever you want you get.”  He carries on, lounging comfortably against the back of the sofa, and his gaze turns to your moirail for a second, giving her an odd little two fingered wave in greeting.  You look over almost guiltily as you realise Kanaya has seen all of this take place, and she can read you like noone else.  She looks amused, and you’re almost dreading that conversation more than this interview.

“My sister is super into her, by the way.”  Strider continues to ramble, drawing your attention back to himself.  “Wouldn’t shut up about how stimulating their discussion last night was, which, gross.  I know it’s not a thing or whatever on Alternia, but man, I do not wanna hear about what gets my sister horned up.”

You pull a face, shaking your head quickly.  “Not something I want to think about my moirail either.”  You add, wondering if that’s how Dave feels about Rose.  You kind of understand the premise of siblings, in as much as you’ve seen them in movies, but you aren’t sure if it’s taboo to want them in any quadrant or just the concupiscent ones.  Between the incest thing and the gay thing, you find it hard to believe that humans think they have any room to complain about quadrants.

“But... I’m pretty sure she feels the same.”  You add, trying to keep your thoughts on topic.  “I mean she ditched me entirely the first time she even met Rose, then spent the whole afterparty practically glued to her.”  It’s... hurtful, if you’re honest.  Just a little bit.  This thing with Kanaya is so new, it’s not even been official for a full fucking day yet, and you know your time with these humans is limited, but... rushing off to find another quadrant-mate so soon after filling one, it’s... it’s hurtful, yeah.  And leaving you essentially alone in stressful situations multiple times in the same day...

“Cool.”  Strider is grinning again, and you guiltily remember that Kanaya wasn’t the only one who’d been considering other quadrants on this trip.  Strider definitely isn’t the adversary you expected though, and you haven’t even spoken to TG since he rejected you so blatantly last night.  Not that you’re flushed, really, but... well, it would be nice to test those waters in person.  Or... would have been.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a sudden increase in the volume of the humans rushing all around you, and you realise in horror that whatever adjustments they had needed to make to the cameras to account for the darker lighting are finished, and there’s no more escape.  This thing is hapening. 

“Given the new public awareness of the revolutionary themes in your past work, do you expect to take a different approach going forward?”  Thankfully so far the host has mostly been directing his questions to Strider, possibly giving you time to ease into this whole scenario, and you’re... somewhat grateful.  The less time you have to spend actually speaking the better, but having to listen to Strider drivel on and on in the most frustrating monotone imaginable is... blech.

“I mean, I’m always trying to push the needle, man.”  Strider says, and it’s almost like he has a special “obnoxious” version of his voice he puts on for interviews, nothing like the more relaxed, real way he had spoken to you.  “Obviously I’m still in the early drafting stage, and even if I wasn’t there’s not a ton I could give away.  I will say though, I’ve been trying to broaden my influences and branch out from what people expect.  “They can’t perceive one colour in the slurry of many...”, you know?”

You snap bolt upright at that, eyes wide, nerves forgotten.  You know that quote, know it well.  You watched that movie with TG just a few days ago, and the thought sends a small pang through you that you do your best to ignore.  

“You’ve seen In Which A Group Of Highbloods All Wind Up, Through A Series Of Unlikely Mishaps, Sharing The Same Mustard-Blood Between Their Quadrants.  When The Helmsman Conscription Comes, The Higbloods Conspire To-?”

Strider cuts you off, voice animating again as he drops the TV drawl with something approaching an actual grin.  “Dude, yes, obviously I’ve seen it, you don’t have to say the whole fucking thing.  I watch troll movies sometimes.”

“You’ve actually seen real cinema, and you still shit out that oversaturated drivel?”  The words are out of your squawk blister before you can stop them, and you immediately freeze, antlerbeast in the scuttlebuggylights.  You’re fairly sure that insulting Strider was one of the things you were definitely fucking not supposed to do on TV.  Strider looks delighted.

The host laughs it off thankfully, turning the full force of all those teeth onto you.  “That actually brings me nicely on to my first question for you, Karkat.  Being a critic of cinema from not just one but two planets, how does Earth fare compare?”

Oh cool, one of the worst questions he could have possibly asked, outside of outright diplomatic secrets.  “I... I mean, I try to let my blog speak for itself.”  You answer lamely, cursing yourself inside your head.  Idiot, idiot, idiot douchebag, making trolls look bad on human TV.  “I... guess it’s not a secret that I don’t have a high opinion of most human media in general.  We’ve been making movies for a lot longer than your “Hollywood” has even existed, so we’ve had hundreds of sweeps to perfect the art.  Some human movies are... fine, considering how primitive they are.”

It’s a bad answer, and you can already tell Trollian is gonna blow up with indignant messages from your higher-up friends as soon as this thing airs.  The host doesn’t look fazed in the slightest, but Strider has that little almost-smile still plastered onto his smug face.

“Bro, you try to give a cliché TV answer and still somehow manage to completely shit-talk us, I love it.”  He sounds unnervingly sincere again, and you grit your teeth and think of Feferi as you bite back every cutting insult you would love to pour directly into this douchebag.  There’s something infuriatingly familiar in the way he talks to you, like he knows you, like he has the right to make those kind of stupid remarks in a friendly way.  So much for thinking he’s not as bad as he seems.

Thankfully, the host steps in to cut the tension.  “You’ve had a very sudden rise to public prominence on Earth, Karkat, but those on Alternia may already be familiar with you being hatchmates with the Empress.  How do those political ties affect your presence here?”

You can’t quite believe Feferi okayed this question, but... well, it’s the kind of thing people will be wondering.  Better to address it than not.  You take a deep breath and think of all the meetings and briefings you sat through during the coup, as Feferi had been rallying trolls to unseat her ancestor and take the throne.  You had listened to so many people you knew as loudmouth idiots speak with such grace and clarity, surely for once in your miserable fucking life you can manage to do the same.

“Look, I’m not a diplomat or a spy or a politician or whatever.  I’m nobody – I’m some douchebag with a blog.  Your planet has millions of those too.  I’m not here because I’m Feferi’s hatchmate, or on some kind of coordinated peace negotiation.  I’m here because some bullshit I said online got wildly out of hand, and both planets thought it’d be a good display of unity to send some douchebag with a blog to the other side of the fucking universe.  If there was any kind of deeper purpose to my visit, chances are it would fly right the fuck over my nub anyway, because I am, fundamentally, some douchebag with a blog.”

The host’s grin never falters but to your right, Strider actually laughs.  You’d never admit to how many of his interviews you’ve sat through in a rage-induced fervor trying to understand this maniac, and in all that time you’ve never seen him act the way he does around you.  He’s always been suave, flat, controlled, smooth.  It’s a big part of why you had your hackles up (and were mildly interested in the spades department) when you met him – he’s always seemed so manufactured, and you wanted to tear that to shreds and watch him crumble.

He’s not crumbling now though, he’s just laughing.  Like he’s a person.  Like you’re friends.  It’s... disarming, and you’re not sure what to do with it.  You manage to pinch back an answering chirrup, and gird yourself against the task at hand.  Surely, just a few more questions to go.

It feels like a thousand more questions go by before the host is finally, wonderfully wrapping up this whole affair.  You’re free.  You did it, you sat through a whole stupid TV interview with stupid Strider, and nobody died, no desperately unsalvageable diplomatic blunders were made, you barely even bickered with the idiot whose fault this all is.  Kanaya gives you an approving nod before you’re whisked away to take photos with Strider and the host, and you notice that at some point Lalonde has arrived, settled in to the seat next to Kanaya with a smile that makes you think she’s in on some kind of joke that you aren’t.

But you’ve got more to worry about than smirky broads and their mysterious horseshit, as you’re forced into a variety of humiliating poses with Strider and the host, taking far more promotional photos than they could ever possibly need.  You do your best to smile, and take comfort in the fact that even if humans take all your bared fangs as a threat, the host’s blinding gnashers are somehow still outshining yours.

With that finally, finally done, Strider steps off to talk to someone on production and you take a moment to retrieve your palmhusk, figuring it’s best not to put off the inevitable Eridan of it all.  How he wound up as Feferi’s chief diplomat, you’ll never understand.  How he’s managed to be good at the job, you’ll definitely never fucking understand.  After maturing out of the seadweller supremacy bullshit, he’s actually gotten decent at dealing with humans, and finding the most mutually beneficial ways to handle whatever problems arise.  

You suppose finally sorting out his quadrant woes did a lot for him.  He was insufferable for a while there, and the desperate pale-flirting while you were fuck-deep in the dregs of the nightmare that was being Gamzee’s moirail definitely hadn’t helped your opinion of him.  Not to mention The Incident with Kanaya.  But over the course of the coup Eridan rekindled things on the pale side with Feferi, and between that and finally making all the black-flirting with Sollux official, he’s somehow turned into what you almost might consider a tolerable dude.  How the three of them in their black-pale-red triangle wound up being one of the most stable relationships you’ve ever seen is one mystery you would love to never have explained.

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CA: alright kar 
CA: kan says youre done so lets hear it
CA: howw much am i gonna regret not fuckin findin time to givve you media trainin
CA: i can wwork wwith wwhatevver damage your fuckin gaper has caused long as i knoww about it in advvance
CA: this wwhole thing wwas a terrible fuckin idea
CA: kar youre krillin me here
CA: is fef gonna havve to make another fuckin statement about you bein a huge asshole
CG: CALM DOWN FUCKHEAD THEY WERE TAKING PHOTOS OF US.
CG: EVERYTHING IS FINE.  I PROBABLY MADE MYSELF LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN TWO GALAXIES, BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
CA: oh thank fuck
CA: only so many apology eelmails a man can draft kar
CA: really didnt wwanna bust out the “karkat showed his nook an bulge on tvv an called the human president a slurry-brained grubfucker” one
CG: GLAD TO KNOW YOU THINK SO FUCKING HIGHLY OF ME!
CG: OH THAT KARKAT HE CAN’T KEEP HIS SHIT TOGETHER EVEN REMOTELY FOR A SINGLE HOUR!
CG: BETTER BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES AND PREPARE FOR ARMA-FUCKING-GEDDON CAUSED BY HIS PAN FUCKING SELF-DESTRUCTING IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING HUMAN RACE!
CA: wwhoa kar calm dowwn 
CA: you knoww i gotta prepare for wworst case scenarios for fuckin evverythin 
CA: the “fef wwent condesce-mode cause i fucked up as a moirail an is on the rampage tryna burn this wwhole fuckin alliance to the ground” one wwas a doozy to wwrite lemme tell ya
CG: RIGHT RIGHT SORRY.
CG: YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET USED TO YOU BEING COMPETENT AND REASONABLE.
CA: “wwoww eridan thanks for bein right there to savve my ass if anyfin had gone wwrong!”
CA: but hey ill take the compliment 
CA: noww stop bein a nooklord an go play nice wwith the humans some more
CA: ill check in again in the mornin
CG: FINE.
CG: AND THANK YOU.
CA: noww thats more like it

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

You sigh and pocket your palmhusk quickly, not really willing to look through whatever the rest of the assholes you call friends have had to say since you got here.  That’s a future problem.  You start heading back towards where you last saw Kanaya when there’s a rush of movement, and Strider is suddenly in front of you, faster than you thought humans could move.  You fail to quash the chirp of alarm as you jump back, arms taking a defensive position.

He raises his hands in front of himself and shakes his head, stepping back slightly.  “Sorry dude, didn’t mean to scare you.”  You force yourself to relax and step closer, and he lowers his hands in relief.  “Can we chill for a moment and give them some space?”

You frown, wishing you could read his stupid face behind those stupid sunglasses.  You knew intellectually that humans don’t subvocalise, had reminded yourself over and over not to strain to hear it the way you had when you started watching human movies, but as weird as it is on most humans, it's downright unsettling on Strider.  His eyes are shielded, his face is flat, and he is completely and utterly silent.  “You mean Kanaya and your human sister?”  His lip twitches slightly at your use of the word human, but he doesn’t rise to the bait.

“Yeah, Rose is pretty busy being a huge lesbian.”  He pauses.  “Which is cool, I’m over here being a huge bisexual, so...”

You frown slightly, trying to remember which one that is.  “So... you’re being normal?”  You ask after a moment, and his face goes on a whole journey in the span of a few seconds.  He looks overjoyed, then sad for a second, and then he’s laughing.

“Hell yeah I’m being normal, bro.  Wish everyone saw it that way.”  He sounds wistful but extends a fist, and you stare down at it for a moment.  Another stupid human hand gesture – which one is this again?

Strider solves your confusion by reaching down with his other hand and taking your wrist, grinning as he lifts your hand and bumps your knuckles with his own.  “Bro fistbump.  Because we’re bros now.”  He clarifies, clearly extremely pleased with himself.  It’s stupid and you want to call him stupid, but you can’t fight the need to dig into... whatever it was that had his stupid, douchebag walls cracking.

“What do you mean, you wish people thought it was normal?”  Your voice is a little rougher than you expected, and you see him clam up for a moment, but before you can even begin running your mind through all the different ways you’re a stupid worthless asshole who ruins everything, he’s softening again, running a hand through his hair.

“I dunno man, some people really don’t.  My bro-”  He cuts himself off quickly, and you watch those doors start to close again with a shake of his head.  He doesn’t put the douchebag face back on though – he just looks tired. 

“Some people think there’s only one right way to be a man, and being into other dudes is a flaw that’s gotta be excised.  That’s all.  Nice to hang with someone from a culture where that’s not even a thing.”  There’s something so small in his voice, and you can’t take this rollercoaster anymore.  You can’t.  When did you become so fixated on this terrible, pathetic man?

He shakes his head again quickly, and the douchebag is back like nothing ever happened, smirking like a piece of shit as he leans against the wall.  “Look, you and Kanaya should come to dinner at mine tonight.  Rose really wants to get to know Kanaya better, while she’s here.”

You hesitate.  It’s getting towards the time when you and TG would usually watch a movie and you’ve got that itch, to just be alone talking shit with the one person who doesn’t care about your status right now.  But... Kanaya really seems to like this Rose human, and as frustrating as it is so soon after making your own relationship official, you can’t bring yourself to even consider letting her down.

Besides, you’re not talking to TG right now.  And Strider is proving to be an addictive kind of enigma.  You’re nodding your head before you even really realise it.

“Sure.  Fine.  Dinner.”  You’re not prepared for Strider’s grin to return at the words, and you’re glad beyond belief that there’s no chance he knows what the small trill in your throat means.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
CG: BUT IF I WAS TALKING TO YOU I WOULD BE MESSAGING TO LET YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE MORNING IS OFF FOR TODAY.
CG: IT COULD HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BRO-DOWN FOR THE AGES, BUT NO.
CG: I’LL BE HAVING DINNER AT STRIDER’S INSTEAD, MAYBE I’LL EVEN BRO DOWN WITH HIM.
CG: HE ALREADY TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO A “BRO FISTBUMP”.
CG: JUST ANOTHER EXPERIENCE YOU FUCKED YOURSELF OUT OF ON THE ONE CHANCE WE’LL EVER HAVE TO HANG.
TG: fuck dude
TG: idk who to be more jealous of 
TG: you getting to bro down with strider or strider getting to bro down with you
CG: EITHER WAY, IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT.
TG: dude i told you im sorry
TG: if i could hang in person i would
TG: i swear
TG: youve got no damn idea how hard i wanna bro down in front of some straight trash cinema
CG: OH NO, ITS NO BIG DEAL, I JUST SHARED SOME REALLY FUCKING VULNERABLE SHIT WITH YOU AND YOU THREW IT RIGHT BACK IN MY IDIOT FACE WITH THE SHITTIEST EXCUSE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ON ANY PLANET EVER.
CG: WHICH WAS MY MISTAKE I GUESS.
CG: NOT LIKE A HUMAN COULD EVEN ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT SHARING LIKE THAT MEANT.
CG: SO WHATEVER.
TG: fuck im sorry
TG: look
TG: i know how dumb bullshit cliche this sounds but its one hundred percent me
TG: my life is really complicated right now
TG: and youre like the only part of it that isnt
TG: but if we meet youll get all tangled up in my mess
TG: and i dont wanna put that on you
TG: thats all i promise
CG: I SEE.
CG: BEING ON AN ALIEN PLANET IS SUCH A WALK IN THE PARK, I CAN SEE WHY YOU THINK A LITTLE BIT OF COMPLICATION WOULD BE TOO MUCH FOR ME.
CG: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CONSIDERING MY FEELINGS, DOUG.
TG: fuck

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Dave Strider, and every single thing you’ve done for the last month has been an exercise in stupidity so profound that you kind of want to bleat like a goat and take a shit on your turntables.

You really hadn’t meant to let the Strider persona slip on camera like that, but being around Karkat is infectious – it’s scarily easy to just forget the armor you’ve built to defend yourself when he’s right in front of you being just as grouchy and earnest as he is online.  Dave Strider, Famous Douchebag doesn’t stand a chance around him.

It makes you insecure in a way you haven’t been since you were a teenager with a doomed crush on John.  You’re kind of freaking the fuck out, but you would be freaking the fuck out so much more if your sister weren’t busy freaking the fuck out right in front of you.

“Does my lipstick look okay?”  Rose asks for the fourth time in the last half hour, and you love her so much.  You’ve settled yourself gently between her and the liquor cabinet, and intend to keep your flat ass parked right here until the guests arrive.  She’s trying, she is, but when she’s nervous... well, you know all too well how burdens from your upbringing weigh heaviest when you’re vulnerable.

“Still perfect, Rose, relax.  The Hot Alien Babe Express is very much pulling up at Lalonde Station, you’re just waiting for the all aboard.  Not like the lipstick’s gonna last long anyway if things go right.”  You smirk, and there’s a flood of relief when she laughs. 

“You always find the most graphic way to make me feel better, Dave.  Thank you.”  The smile is sincere, and it’s enough to push your own insecurity back down a few notches.  Like if Rose can feel okay about this, maybe you can too.  You chance a glance at your phone, but the last relevant message on any of your accounts is some idle public bickering with Karkat, which had cheered you up more than you wanted to admit.  

You’re setting it down again when your phone rings.  Someone is calling you.  On Pesterchum.  You didn’t even know Pesterchum had a fucking voice call function.

Wait.  It doesn’t.

But Trollian apparently does.

You have no god damn idea why Karkat is calling TG, but you’ve already hit the accept button before your brain has really processed that that’s what’s happening.  You’re also standing, now?

“Uh, howdy there?”  You modulate your voice slightly, and hope he won’t notice.  You don’t know how well trolls can tell the difference between human voices, and if you really play up the Texas twang, he might not recognise Dave Strider’s voice on the other end of the phone.

The sound of the laugh Rose fails to choke down upon hearing your cowboy-ass accent is indescribable, and you flap a hand at her dismissively and quickly abscond to the other room before she can pry.

“Doug?  This is Karkat.”  He sounds a little different over the phone, and you realise after a second that the receiver isn’t picking up all the nuances of the buzzing in his throat.  He almost just sounds like Some Guy With An Accent.  “Firstly, fuck you, I’m still not talking to you.”

Never mind, he still sounds exactly the same.  “Secondly, I’m calling because I need more human help, and we're in a hurry.  And making calls to Earth actually fucking works when I’m on Earth, as it turns out.”

“Well, butter my backside and call me a biscuit.”  Yep, definitely too southern, and you’re glad you’ve apparently managed to escape Rose’s hearing.  No chance she would have let you live that one down if she heard it.  “What kinda human help you needin’ there?”

You hear something that might be a chitter of frustration, but it just doesn’t sound the same over the phone.  “Stop fucking hitting on me you bulgehuffing piece of shit, you already made it clear you don’t actually want anything to do with me.  Which, whatever.”  Ouch.  “Also shut up.  Listen.”  He pauses, takes a breath, and starts again, and you think he thinks he sounds calmer.  “Apparently it’s human custom to bring a gift when you’re going to a human dinner party, but I have no fucking idea what.  We can’t just go wander the shops willy fucking nilly because we have constant fucking security up our seedflaps.  What is an appropriate and acceptable human gift we can acquire quickly and safely?  The internet said soporifics are customary, but that seems... presumptive?  I mean, humans all drink soporifics all the time in your movies, but to us it’s... I don’t know, taboo isn’t quite the right term, but...”  He cuts himself off with an agitated chirp, and you take the chance to step in.

“Nah, nah, you’re plumb right there.  Ain’t no reason to bring human soporifics.”  Your cowboy accent is getting shittier and shittier by the second, and you’re going to have to start using this stupid bullshit southern slang as TG now so it won’t be obvious that he talks differently than he types.  Or maybe Karkat won’t notice – it’s all human bullshit to him.  “I reckon it don’t amount to a hill o’ beans what you bring, Dave Strider’s a highfalutin’ Hollywood director, he’ll be happy enough with the present of yer presence.”  You imagine the face John would pull if he could hear you, and you wish you could dissolve into thin air.  That’d be great right about now.

“Do you think I could get away with not even fucking giving him that?”  Karkat grumbles, and you do your best to pull yourself out of this cowboy-induced shame spiral and fucking focus.  “No, but apparently it’s polite to bring an offering.  And-”  His voice lowers, and you hear a quick scuffle of movement.  “-my moirail, Kanaya insists.  She’s... ugh, she’s trying to court his moirail in her red quadrant, even though we’re only here for five more fucking earth days.  And she really wants to make a good impression, so we have to find something fucking perfect.”

Huh.  You had wondered what Kanaya thought of you and Rose at the premiere, and apparently you have your answer.  What you don’t have an answer to is his actual question.  “Well, uh, if yer mwaaaah-rail's tryna court Strider's sister, human romantic tradition'd be flowers 'n' whatnot - she’d prob’ly be happier ‘n a pig in shit about that.”

Karkat pauses, and you realise that genuinely hadn’t occurred to him.  “Oh.  Duh.”  He clicks, and you melt just a little bit.  “Right, well.  We’ll find a flower shop then, I guess.  Thanks.”  He pauses.  “Also, fuck you.  We’re still not talking.”  That chitter is back, and you can’t hold in a laugh.  You don’t even know if he heard it or not, because the call is disconnected  and you cough instinctively, exorcising the ghost of spaghetti westerns past from your lungs.

Rose isn’t in the lounge room when you return, and your blood freezes for a second when you realise the bottle of ciroc on the middle shelf of your liquor cabinet is on the bottom now.  You left Rose nervous and alone with booze.  Shit.

You sigh heavily as you approach the bathroom door, knocking with your forehead rather than your fist.  “You can come out.”  You’re tired.  You’re both tired of this familiar dance, her just as much as you.  There’s no point in making it shameful, not when she’s already unsettled, not when she’s got a date she needs to keep her shit together for.  “Rose, let's- let’s go cook.  I’m not gonna give you any shit, just... finish your drink somewhere other than sitting on the fucking toilet.”

It’s quiet for a long time, almost long enough that you wonder if your dumb ass has been talking to an empty room.  But then the door is opening and her head is high, but her gaze just isn’t as sharp as you can tell she wants it to be.  She studies you for a long, quiet moment, then sets her empty glass down on a side table with a sigh.  “It’s not your job to protect me from myself, Dave.  I’m fine, it was just one drink.”

And it was just one drink - she’s still perfectly put together, if a little looser than before.  That’s the thing.  If it had been anyone else helping themself, they would have.... had a drink.  Rose hid in the bathroom to have a drink.  Because you both know she has a problem.  And you both know she isn’t ready to address it.  And you both know that you don’t know what to do about that.

So, you shrug.  You can’t make her decisions for her, and making her feel shittier on a day she’s so antsy about isn’t gonna fix anything.  Instead you change the subject, letting the drinking go for now.  “That was Karkat on the phone.”

It works, because her defensiveness melts away into a squawk of laughter.  “And he called you on your cowboy line?!”  She cackles as you flip her off.

“Nah man, he was calling TG.  I panicked.  Can’t have that douchebag sound like this douchebag, so... TG’s a yeehaw man now, I guess.”  You shrug, and she melts back into her chair, laughter unwinding all the nervous knots she’s been tied in.  

“Oh dear...”  She tries and fails to sound aloof through the giggles, and you don’t try to hold back your answering smile.  No Strider façade for her tonight.  

You and Rose have both long since given up any hope of figuring out quite how kitchens work.  Your apartment has one of course – a nice one, even.  Hella expensive.  But beyond stuffing it with chips and instant meals and the finest of takeaway leftovers, and definitely no swords or explosives, you’ve never really known what to do with it.  Rose did try a bit back when the two of you were roommates right after ditching your respective guardians, but she never managed much beyond “classying up” your instant ramen by adding an egg.

Trolls are apparently made of hardier stuff than humans and don’t need to worry about things like food poisoning - or even poison-poisoning - but you still don’t want to subject your guests to a display of your own capabilities, so you’ve arranged catering.  It’s basically instant food, really.  There are containers of things with instructions on what to do with those things, and when.  Just... more elaborate instant meals.  Yep.

Between the two of you you do your best.  You really do.  And it smells... like food.  Mostly.  (There’s one little tray of... nibble things that you both forget is in the oven until much too late, rest in peace to... whatever those were.)  You feel a little proud, then realise that you’re feeling proud of a dinner party someone else cooked for you.  But hey, you successfully warmed things up. It counts.

And just in time too – Rose abandons you to figure out where your nice plates are kept when the doorbell rings, and echoing from the hallway you can hear her chattering far more animatedly than usual, with the occasional remark from Kanaya, and Karkat’s deep grumbling buzz which you really have to stop fixating on, even as it manages to thrum its way right through to you in the kitchen.

You somehow manage to find dishware that... kind of seems right, at least, and before long the four of you are settled in in the dining room, all gathered around one end of your stupidly long dining table, with a bouquet of soft purple flowers sat in the middle.  Sure, it was nice when you were just having Rose over for dinner and the two of you could sit at opposite ends of a fucknormous victorian dining table and snip at each other like assholes from one of her stupid historical novels, but having normal company over just makes the table... kind of embarrassing, honestly.

You make it work though, and before you know it you’re setting a plate in front of Karkat and dropping into a seat next to him, Rose having apparently already settled very comfortably in next to Kanaya.  Karkat gives a small irritated click, eyeing you grouchily.  

“Why the fuck is your mealslab enormous?”  He asks, and damn it, what is with this guy managing to break your poker face within seconds?  You can’t fight back the grin as he continues.  “I know you’re far too huge an asshole to have this many friends.”

“Shit, you don’t know me like that.”  You smirk, taking a sip of your apple juice – no booze at this table tonight.  “You’re forgetting I’m a rich, famous asshole.  I can have as many people around for dinner as I like.  And here you are, getting a private show – aren’t you special?”

He trills slightly and grumbles.  “Like the most pitiable rustblood in culling season.”  And you can’t believe it – you’ve seen enough of his movies now that you get his idioms.  The cackle that escapes you is strange enough that even Rose and Kanaya look over for a moment, but you ignore them.

“You’re a real Elmola Topifa alright.”  You smirk, and relish every moment of his face journey.  “Yes, I told you, I watch your dumbass movies sometimes.  That one sucked.”  You add, purely to keep the journey going.  Truthfully, you had enjoyed it – one of those beautiful movies that was so terrible it worked its way all the way around back to being kind of great.  You even took a few notes while watching.

The movie pales in comparison to the rant you receive for dissing it though, and dinner is just all around better than you had expected.  It’s easy, just like talking to him always seems to be.  Rose and Kanaya seem to be getting along well too, and as you’re finishing up dessert you realise the two of them have gotten very close, and Kanaya has started making a soft chirp that you swear you recognise.

To your surprise, your instincts are proven correct when Karkat leans over and elbows you, muttering under his breath.  “We should give them some space.”  You nod in agreement and wordlessly scoop up the plates, giving Karkat the excuse of helping you tidy up.  You ditch the dishes in the kitchen, mildly wondering what the maid will think.  You keep your place fairly neat, there doesn’t tend to be much for him to do, but you’re sure he’s never once seen more dishes than a couple of glasses and a cereal bowl in that kitchen before.  You snicker slightly as you imagine him calling up to tell you someone broke into the house and made a three course meal last night.

You don’t even realise you’ve been leading Karkat up onto the roof until you’re already up there.

You don’t like rooftops.  You wanted the penthouse; wanted the room with a view, all of that, but rooftops... something about the way the wind hits up here, the distant muffling of traffic from so far below, the sound of birds flying by... it’s too familiar.  Why did you come up here?

You’ve walked near the edge of the roof in almost a trance, idly considering just how long it’s been since you were up somewhere like this, without ever letting your mind actually land on the memory of the last time.  One hand twitches up towards your ribcage, and-

There’s a hand on your shoulder and you see white as you whirl around, reaching for a sword you don’t fucking have on you, fuck, and taking a defensive stance. Your eyes are so wide it almost hurts.  

When you collect your thoughts Karkat is in front of you in an answering defensive stance, though he looks more confused than ready for a fight.  “Dave?”  He asks hesitant, so hesitant, and it’s enough to drain all the tension from you at once.

“Fuck.”  You gasp, letting all the tight-wound knots in your muscles unravel as you sink to the ground, sitting in an ungainly heap.  You know Karkat has never thought you were cool, but even the slightest hints have no doubt been erased for good now.  

His stance relaxes too, and he moves hesitantly as he takes a seat next to you, and his face is so gentle you feel almost sick.  It reminds you of Dirk, when he found out.

“Sorry.”  You swallow, looking out over the city rather than at him.  You are blowing it so bad with this foxy slunt.  “I, uh... I hate rooftops.  Dunno why the fuck I brought you up here.”  You run a hand through your hair, and glance back over when he lets out a surprisingly mellow rumble.  

“It, uh, it’s fine...”  He mumbles, and for some reason you want to tell him everything.

“My bro-”  You pause, hand resting unconsciously on your ribs, thin fabric separating it from the deepest scar that’s ever torn you open.  “He, uh.  He used to kick my ass, a lot.  On the roof of our apartment building.”  It’s more honest than you’ve been with anyone outside of the family (plus John and Jade) in as long as you remember.  “Freaks me out being up here.”

He nods, and that rumble is getting louder.  “...I can get that, yeah.”  And you believe him.  The way Alternia pre-revolution is portrayed in films is... grisly isn’t a strong enough word, and you can’t believe things have really improved all that much in the decade since - not in a society so, so much older than your own.  

“Tabloids would have a fuckin’ field day if they saw this.”  You can’t help the chuckle that escapes you, resting one arm on your knee and stretching your other leg out, foot dangling over the edge of the roof.  “Dave Strider, pussy-ass bitch boy nearly attacks alien guest from space, restarts intergalactic war.”

He snorts with laughter, and it occurs that you’ve never even for a second had any fears that he would run off to the tabloids with anything you’ve told him.  You haven’t felt this comfortable around a stranger since meeting Dirk and Roxy for the first time.  “Good thing they’re not here then.”  He pauses, silent for a moment.  “I saw your human brother, at the premiere.  Why do you keep him around, if he was that awful.”

You shake your head quickly, head whipping around to look at him.  “No, nah man, not Dirk.  Dirk’s cool.”  You hesitate, but you’re already this deep.  Fuck it.  “Bro was actually my dad, but he made me call him Bro, because... being a dad was lame or whatever, I don’t know.  Bad for his image.”  You look back out over the horizon, and Karkat is still rumbling, and something about that keeps you talking. 

“It was just me and him, when I was growing up.  Wasn’t until I met Rose that we started putting pieces together, and we didn’t know about Dirk or Roxy at all until Bro died.”  Something inside you is cold, like it always is when you think back on everything.  “It’s, uh, I know it’s weird to you, but we usually all grow up together, familystyle.  That’s how humans are supposed to work, stronger together.  But our... our parents had problems.”  Understatement of the fucking millennium.  

“They were bad for each other.  Real fucked up when they had Dirk and Roxy, barely more than kids.”  Younger than you are now.  Much younger.  “Hooked on- on human soporifics.  Dirk and Roxy got taken away, Rox wound up in foster care... Dirk too, until he ran away.  Some kind of bad situation, he won’t talk about it.  Found a place to squat and pretty much raised himself.”  

“They had us a few years later, me and Rose, but something was different that time.  Our Mom was... she sorted herself out just enough to get the fuck away from Bro, they each took one of us and... I got unlucky.”  You shrug, and Karkat's rumble is being broken up by clicks now.  And how long has he been sitting that close?

“Bro would kick my ass every chance he got, drag me up on the roof with a sword and just go to town, said he was making me strong but that was bullshit.  He was just beating up a kid.”  Something changes in Karkat’s tone, a strange chitter that puts you on edge, but you’re talking now, about stuff you haven’t talked about in years, and you’ve never been great at closing the faucet of bullshit that comes out your mouth.  “Filmed porn in the house too, real creepy shit.  I didn’t really get it until I was a teenager, but... fuck, man, it was fucked up.”

Karkat is clicking louder now, rumble drowned out almost entirely, and it’s enough to shut you up and draw your eyes to him.  He looks queasy, and you slap on a quick smile.  Shit.  “Shit.  Sorry, didn’t mean to give you the whole tragic backstory.  Just... being up here, I guess.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose in clear frustration and the rumble is gone now, chitter almost... frantic?  You reach to touch his shoulder without thinking and he flinches away, and shit, you have fucked this.  “Sorry, dude, I’m chill, I promise.  Strider personal story vault closed and locked.  Didn’t mean to get so real.”

When Karkat responds there’s something scary about it, hearing him without any venom in his voice.  You want it back.  "Look, I'm going to throw you a fucking bone, because despite being the literal worst person I have ever met, you're not actually a bad guy. It's not your fault you're from such a primitive culture that you don't understand what you're doing, so I'm being very gentle right now." He is clearly being so controlled in a way you didn’t think he was capable of, and... You really didn't think you had fucked up THAT badly. 

"Ever since our first blindingly terrible interaction online, you have been constantly fucking vacillating which quadrant you're flirting with me in. Which - I won't pretend I'm not flattered, I suppose. I - fuck, since I'm expressing my entire embarrassment gland right now I might as well admit I had... Kind of entertained the idea of a little black fling while I'm here. Just thought about it." He adds quickly, giving you a sharp look. 

"But you've been bouncing between black and red in the same fucking sentence ever since I got here, it's exhausting. And... look, I've seen your terrible movies, I know humans are awful at romance, I was just fine chalking it up to your primitive culture, but now you're trying to flip pale on me and I can't - my fucking moirail is right fucking downstairs, I'm not going to cheat on her!" 

Even in the dark, you can see the awkwardness and fear on his face. He's exactly as upset as he sounds, and you feel awful. And you have no idea how to fix this. You don't know where exactly the line between comforting a friend and pale flirting is, but you really don't want to cross it again.  Whatever had possessed you to start talking about Bro, that shit is locked the fuck back up.

“Sorry.”  It sounds more sincere now, now that you know where he’s coming from.  “I didn’t even think of that.  It’s... I mean, you know it’s not a thing for us, but... I get it’s a thing for you.  Should have been more considerate.”  You mean it, and his clicks settle down as you see him relax.

“It’s fine.”  He sighs, and he sounds sincere too.  “I know it’s just... human stuff.  I’d overlook it in the interest of... cultural sensitivity or whatever, if that wouldn’t mean cheating on Kanaya.”  He admits, and you see an opening to drag him back onto more comfortable ground.  

“You thought about a different kinda fling with me though, huh?”  You smirk, and you know it’s the right thing to do because he shoves you and you don’t even flinch, swaying with laughter instead.  

“Don’t act like you didn’t know you were flirting with me online.”  He snaps, and you laugh harder.  “Publicly!  In front of your millions of fucking followers!  And then you invited me all the way to fucking Earth, of course I thought about it.  If you were going this far for a booty call, it’d be rude not to think about it!”

You cackle, elbowing him raunchily in the side and not thinking about what the new chirping sound he’s making is doing to your stomach.  “How ‘bout it then, Karkles?  Wanna do it like they do on the discovery channel?  Boldly go where no man has gone before?  Conduct some xenobiological research?”

He slaps you in the shoulder again, and your giggles die down.  “Our moirails are right downstairs, dipshit!”  He snaps, and if that’s his only hesitation... “And I don’t... hate you.”  He sighs and the chittering fades, along with your involuntary reaction to it.  “Not like that.  I mean...  I do, you’re infuriating, but...”  He cuts himself off with a series of gurgles and clicks that you don’t need a translator to recognise as swearing.  “...it’s complicated.”  He settles on, and you know just how he felt talking to TG.  

“...Is it because I keep vacillating?”  You ask hesitantly, and his face is all the answer you need.  “That’s – I mean, I don’t mean to.  It’s just... human stuff, you know?  You know what we’re like.  It’s... kinda all the same thing.”

He pinches his nose and chirrs again, and you’re starting to pick up some actual distinctions, after being around him so much.  That one is definitely frustration.  “I know, I understand your human stuff.  It’s – it’s complicated.”  He repeats.  “Kind of.... I’ve always...”  He starts talking about something in Alternian, then cuts himself off with a growl and a louder chirr.  “I can’t really talk about it, I’ve just... it’s complicated.”

You nod, and realise he might have been getting close to moirail stuff again.  God damn it.  “It’s cool.”  You say instead, really not willing to push that button again tonight.  “Don’t gotta say more.  We can just stay best BFFs forever.”  You grin and wrap an arm around his shoulders, and then he’s scowling and slapping you away again, and everything feels... okay.

He’s so easy to talk to, just like he is online.  You shoot the shit about movies, pretend you haven’t seen a few you know TG has, just so it doesn’t get suspicious.  He cusses you out for not thinking Qunbii Cadrol is the greatest redrom actress of all time, you pretend to think Shallow Hal is a masterpiece to piss him off, he insults the Love Actually soundtrack, you deliberately butcher his favourite quote from the first movie you watched together.  It’s comfortable, it’s fun, and time is passing far quicker than you realised.  When you look up and the moon is higher in the sky than it should be, you take a quick glance at your phone and wince.

“Man, as much fun as it is dissing your bullshit opinions, it’s like midnight.”  You say apologetically.  You want to invite him to stay the night, but you're pretty sure he and Kanaya need those sleep cocoon things.  You deliriously wonder just how expensive it would be to get one installed, before remembering it’d be basically impossible to even acquire.  Getting a hotel fitted for troll ambassadors was probably hard enough as it was.  “We should check on the girls...”

He sighs, looking as bummed out as you feel.  As you go to stand up, he puts a hand on your wrist for a second.  “Hey, uh... thanks.”  He says slowly.  “There’s... I’ve usually got plans this kind of time of day, but there’s shit going on there right now.  It was nice having something to do, other than sit around feeling shitty and worthless thinking about that mess.  So.  Thanks.”

Your heart does something there, and you can’t for a second figure out what it is.  You’re... flattered and upset that he’s missing TG so much.  You’re jealous of yourself, but also feeling smug at having beaten yourself for his attention.  It’s a clusterfuck of the highest order, so you shove it all down and shoot him the fingerguns, before standing and reaching down to help him up.  “Glad to help, dude.  Any time you need someone to bitch at, you know where I’ll be.”

You hear the thrum of soft conversation as you head downstairs, and you’re quietly relieved that your sister hasn’t elected to get xenosexual in your guest room.  If anyone’s gonna be exploring alien anatomy in your apartment, you want it to be you.  By the sound of things they’re in the living room, and you’re heading that way when you hear what’s unmistakably a sob.  Your sister sobbing.

It freezes you in place – you’ve only ever seen Rose cry when she’s wasted, and shit, Kanaya doesn’t know to keep her away from the fucking drinks, and she’s still so nervous, and you’re a terrible brother.  Karkat stops when you do, and somehow he looks even more horrified than you feel.  You can’t imagine why until you pick up another sound underneath the sobbing – the same low hum Karkat had started making on the rooftop.  Oh fuck.

You don’t waste any more time, bracing yourself for what the fuck ever you’re going to intrude on, and stride loudly into the living room.  If you get there first maybe they’ll compose themselves, and Karkat won’t have to see­-

Rose is definitely wasted.  She must have hit it hard after you left and she’s curled in tight to Kanaya, crying against her shoulder.  Kanaya is holding her close, fingers frozen in place where they had been petting softly through Rose’s hair, apparently unable to stop herself rumbling even while staring at you like a deer in headlights.

At both of you.  Karkat caught up quicker than you hoped, and he makes some kind of explosive cracking sound you’ve heard in movies before, but it’s so much more visceral in person.  You and Kanaya both wince, and it’s loud enough for Rose to finally realise they aren’t alone anymore.  She looks up pitifully, makeup smeared, and Kanaya yanks her hands back in horror.

“Karkat, I-”  She starts, and he’s already taking a step back.  “Wait, I didn’t-”

He’s gone and you want to go after him, but you’re pretty sure that’s the worst possible thing you could do in these circumstances.  Instead you head over to where Rose is sitting, bleary-eyed and confused, and pull her away from Kanaya gently.  “Go talk to him.”  You say, and she’s out the door like that.  

Rose is blinking up at you, and you get it a little, the way trolls talk about pity.  It’s not romantic, not to you, but your heart could burst for your sister.  You’re mad, you’re disappointed, and you’re so worried about her you feel sick with it.  She had been better, recently.  She had been better.  “What happened?”  You manage not to sound too mad, you think, and she sags into you the way she never would sober.

“J’st got nervous...”  She mumbles, heavy and tired.  “Thought I’d r’lax a lil, just a wee one...  an’ then another wee one... an’ she’s so nice, I like her so much, Dave!  So we were talkin’, an’ I started talkin’ about Mom, an’ then I was crying, so embarrassing, an’ she was just comforting me Dave, I don’t get whass wrong!”

How did you wind up the culturally sensitive one?  “It’s troll stuff, Rose.  Just – I’ll explain in the morning.  Let’s get you to bed.”  You pull her to standing with an arm around her waist and she sways against you, and it was definitely more than a couple of “wee ones”.

“I needa piss...”  She mumbles, yanking a snort of laughter out of you, and you nod. 

“Good thing you’ve got a whole en suite all to yourself, c’mon.”  You support her out of the living room, and do your best not to listen to the argument happening in your front entrance.  You couldn’t understand it anyway, but there’s a real distress in the clicks and growls echoing through your apartment that you feel like you shouldn’t be privy to.

You deposit Rose in her guest room and entrust her to do the rest, closing the door quietly on your way out.  The troll noises have gotten even louder and more upset before going silent, and after a beat you hear your front door open and close.  Quietly – Kanaya, then.

Sure enough, after taking a breath to steel yourself you enter the dining room to find Karkat sat at the head of your stupid table, exhausted and sagging, head in hands.  He doesn’t even look up when you enter, just chitters in greeting.  You take a seat near him, letting out an uneasy sigh.  “I put Rose to bed.  She’s gonna feel awful about this when she wakes up.”  It seems a much safer place to start than jumping to comfort, given the circumstances, and the way he nods tells you you’re right, even if he doesn’t lift his head from his hands.  “I, uh, I get what you were saying now.  Upstairs.”

He nods again and does lift his head, and shit, his eyes are puffy and he’s wiping away what you think for a second is watery blood before you remember troll tears, and will this whole alien thing ever feel normal?  “Guess I shouldn’t have worried so much.”  He grumbles as he wipes his eyes, and he sounds miserable.  He’s quiet for a moment, then runs a hand through his gnarls of hair.  “Fuck it.  It’s – this whole thing was really new.”  He mumbles, and he’s starting to make that low, pale buzz again and you wish you could make it back.

“I mean, we had been flirting for a while, but we only made things official literally fucking yesterday.  Which – shitty timing ahoy!  It felt sensible, we’re practically the only trolls on this entire fucking planet, of course we would want to be there for each other.  But we’re – we’re also surrounded by humans, and you’re...”  He flaps a hand at you, and you nod in understanding.  “So like, realistically, something like this was bound to happen.  It was already weird how much she had been ignoring me for Rose.  But- fuck...”  He buzzes lower, and despite how crap you’ve always been at comforting people, it feels instinctive somehow with him.

He doesn’t hesitate even for a second when you touch him on the shoulder.  He leans in to you instead, resting his head on your shoulder, and you remember all the pale scenes you’ve seen in movies; remember what he said looked good and what seemed over the top.  You settle for something platonic enough by human standards, even if it’s... probably borderline raunchy to him.  You run your hand slowly over his hair, never sinking your fingers in, and apparently it’s the right move.  He goes boneless in your arms, humming even louder than before.

“That sucks.”  You say gently, and you wonder idly what this is going to mean for this black/red emotional rollercoaster you’ve apparently been putting him through.  A problem for tomorrow.  “It definitely seems like it was the right timing for you guys, but... humans being humans, of course we’d fuck it up.”  He grunts, and it’s almost a laugh.  “Dumbass primitive one kinda relationship havin’ species.”

He does laugh then, but it chokes off into a sob.  “I just – I thought I could get it right with her...”  He continues, and you keep stroking his hair, wondering if trying to hum to match his buzz would help, or make things weird.  “My last moiraillegiance was... people almost died, it was a disaster.  He was a highblood – one of the clown fuckers.  You’ve seen how dangerous they are.”  You have, and you wince at the thought.  He was really trying to handle all that?  

“He freaked out on our friends, went on a rampage right in the middle of the rebellion.  I – I tried, I fucking ripped myself apart trying to keep him together, but it didn't do any fucking good.”  He shakes his head, nuzzling deeper into your shoulder.  “It was a mess.  And things in other quadrants haven’t been better, and I thought... maybe, maybe for once in my miserable fucking life, something might go right, but...”  He’s limp and tired against you, and when you do give a little hum, he relaxes even more.  Score one, Strider.  “It’s... it’s fucked.”

“It’s fucked.”  You agree, before falling back into your low hum.  You don’t know how long the two of you sit there, no more sound other than the soft hum you’re doing your best to echo back to Karkat, and it’s comfortable, it’s easy.

“I – fuck...”  He says eventually, groaning as he pushes away from you to sit up.  “I’m too tired to think about what a mess this is.”  He gestures between you, and you nod in agreement.  “Ugh – I want my recuperacoon so fucking badly right now, but... I don’t think I can deal with seeing her again.  Especially-”  He glances at you, then looks away, and you do not want him feeling guilty for this.  Not right now. 

“Hey, I got you.”  You smile, then pause.  “Actually, I don’t.  I’ve got no fucking slime beds.”  

He snorts with laughter and shakes his head.  “I can make do with a pile for one night.  If you’ve got an empty block and some spare shit I can make one.”

You do, thankfully, have plenty of space.  Dirk and Roxy are technically staying with you while they’re in town for the premiere, but Rose asked if you could have the house for the night (she was definitely planning on getting laid in your guest room, gross.) so they’ve been abducted by the egharlcrockglish cousins for... whatever batshit shenanigans that lot get up to.  Rose must have really laid the persuasion on thick to get Dirk to hang out with his ex, but you’re not exactly complaining right now.

You set Karkat up in Dirk’s guest room and bring him a bunch of blankets and towels and shit, which he scrabbles together into a big lump in the corner.  He still looks miserable, and when he looks up at you once the pile is finished, you realise with a small hiccup in your chest that he’s considering asking you to stay the night with him.  And you want to, you want to give him that comfort, you want – shit, you want him so badly, in so many more ways than he’ll ever want you at once.  A lump grows in your throat and you clear it quickly, before he can... finish whatever thought he’s thinking.

“I’ll see you in the morning, man.  It’ll... you’ll... figure out where to go from there, yeah?”  He looks disappointed for a second, then his shoulders drop and he nods, looking like you just took a difficult choice off his hands.  Which, maybe you kind of did?

“Yeah.  See you in the morning.” 

You see him in the morning.

Rose isn’t up yet, thank god, but Karkat’s already found his way to the kitchen by the time you drag yourself out of bed and he’s poking around at random, presumably trying to figure out if you have anything analogous to food he’s familiar with.  Given that you don’t have a ton that’s analogous to human food, it feels pretty unlikely.

He hasn’t noticed you watching him fondly from the doorway yet, clicking in frustration as he seemingly gives up and pulls out his weird lumpy alien phone.  A moment later, to your surprise, your normal flat human phone buzzes silently in your pocket.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: GOOD USELESS HUMAN MORNING.
CG: IF I WERE TALKING TO YOU, I WOULD TELL YOU THAT I FOUND A MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE WAY TO SPEND MY EARTH EVENING THAN WATCHING MOVIES WITH YOU.
CG: BUT I’M STILL NOT TALKING TO YOU.
CG: MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHERE IN EARTH NUTRITIONBLOCKS DO THEY KEEP THE GRUBLOAF?
TG: dude you had a good evening and now youre in an earth nutritionblock
TG: this is your most successful attempt to make me jealous yet
TG: how big is dave striders hog
TG: whats it smell like
TG: any ass tattoos
TG: on either of you actually

It feels... strangely perverse to be messaging him as TG while you’re standing right behind him as Dave.  He still hasn’t noticed you though, and this is too much fun to resist.

CG: CONGRATULATIONS!  YOU SENT MY DISGUST NODES INTO OVERDRIVE, NO FUCKING BREAKFAST FOR KARKAT AFTER ALL!
CG: IF THE EARTH NUTRITIONBLOCK I WAS IN *WAS* STRIDER’S, WHICH I *DID NOT FUCKING SAY IT WAS*, IT WOULD BE FOR ENTIRELY NON-SEXUAL REASONS.
CG: SOMETIMES A GUY JUST CRASHES AT HIS WORST HUMAN BRO’S HIVE FOR NO REASON.  PLATONICALLY.
CG: PLEASE NOTE THAT STRIDER IS NOW MY WORST HUMAN BRO WHO I DON’T CRASH WITH.  NO LONGER YOU.  BECAUSE YOU WON’T FUCKING LET ME VISIT.
TG: arent you also not crashing with me though
TG: im just sayin too many nots and donts got away from you a bit there
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: JUST TELL ME WHERE THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT TO GRUBLOAF IS SO I CAN GO BACK TO NOT TALKING TO YOU.

“What’re you looking for?”  He looks so incensed that you can’t resist needling him out loud, quickly setting your phone on the counter so it won’t look like you were just messaging him.  Even though you totally were.

Startling him was almost certainly the wrong move, but you don’t regret it, seeing the insane journey his face goes on in the seconds after you speak.  You can only imagine what’s going on in his weird little head. 

“Nothing.”  He snaps and glances away, apparently giving up on whatever tirade was building in there for a second.  He looks... shy, almost, and it hits you that after that comfort sesh last night, you’re... kind of dealing with the aftermath of a one night stand, only without any of the good bit.  Well, the bit that you would think of as the good bit, anyway.  Not that what happened wasn't good, just definitionally... ugh.  Too much alien shit too early in the morning.

“Bread’s in the pantry if you want toast.”  You gesture as you cross to the fridge in search of aj, deliberately not brushing against him as your paths cross.  Even now you tense a little any time you need to open a fridge, and you’re glad he seems far too preoccupied to notice the intuitive jump back you do, even though you know there’s nothing in there but aj and whatever leftovers you’ve got lying around.

He’s really preoccupied, actually, and as you’re pouring yourself a glass it occurs that he paused halfway to the pantry and hasn’t moved since.  He’s just staring down at the counter.

At your phone on the counter.

At your conversation on your phone on the counter.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you haven't been this overwhelmed since there was a literal war on.

The lines of red and gray on the screen had caught your eye as you passed, and you instinctively reached to pick it up, thinking you had left your own palmhusk on the cookslab.  But your husk is in your pocket, and this flat, shiny thing is Dave's.  With your conversation with TG sitting there right in the open for anyone to see.  

He’s clearly seen you looking at it by the panicked way he starts rambling but you don’t look up, silent and still as you reassess every interaction you’ve had over the month or so you’ve been hanging with TG, and the two days you’ve spent with Dave.  So many lies, so much self-aggrandising bullshit, so many stupid fucking signs that you should have seen.

"-and fuck, I didn't want to lie to you, it wasn't ever about you, I know I fucked up bad, I just didn't know how to say - I've had TG for years, it's my old handle from before I was famous, it's just... You know, when I wanna be a person instead of a fucking celebrity I chill out as TG for a while, take the chance to just be some guy, you know, no fuckin’ shippers going off about how my shitposts mean I'm desperate for John's schlong, or tabloids screaming about how I've let myself go because I got fuckin’ soup on my shirt and they snapped a picture before I could get home and change, you know? TG is just some guy, and I liked just getting to be some guy with you, like, no preconceived notions other than me being some asshole who messes with you online.  I didn't like - it didn't start feeling kinda fucked up until the whole thing about an in person movie night and I realised like, yeah, TG kinda HAS to be a shitty friend now because I can't just show up in a fuckin’ wig or whatever, and I felt so fuckin’ bad about it, even got kinda jealous of myself getting to hang with you, you know, which is a weird and fucked feeling when you're literally like right in front of me, but its not the same as it would have been broing the fuck out to some bullshit troll romcom, you know? But yeah, I never wanted to be some kind of lying asshole to you, I swear dude this whole thing was a fucking accident and I wish I'd just told you instead of being a huge avoidant douchebag about it, and-"

The waterfall of swill just keeps streaming out of Dave's mouth, and you kind of feel like he might keep talking forever if you don't interject eventually.  It keeps building and building in your head until you feel like you're going to explode.

And exploding is one of the things you're best at.

You aren’t even totally cognizant of what you’re saying – you’re pretty sure you’ve managed to invent several new body parts and sex acts in the blast of curses that erupts from somewhere deep and aching in your thorax.  It’s not important.  None of the actual words matter.  

Dave usually seems to find your tirades funnier the more creative you get, but there’s none of that in him now.  He looks tense and guarded, one hand on his hip like it had been when you startled him on the roof.  You would think he was going for a weapon if humans weren’t such squishy, peaceful things.  The sight makes you start welling up with pale feelings all over again, and you cut off your involuntary pity-buzz with a frustrated snarl.  

“Fuck this!”  You throw your hands up in frustration, and don't feel even slightly pitiful at the sight of how Dave's posture tenses instinctively.  “Fuck you, Doug.”  You add, with as much spite as you can.  “This whole thing has been hilarious, hasn’t it?  Ha, ha, fucking ha, I’ll hassle Karkat into watching my FUCKAWFUL movie, then drag his ass all the way across the UNIVERSE so I can lie to him and jerk his feelings around by vacillating all over the place, as TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!  And here I thought my miserable love life couldn’t get any fucking worse.  Fuck you.”  

You’re hissing and crackling at him and you don’t care, finally tearing your eyes from Strider when you hear a door open somewhere else in the hive.  You must have been loud enough to wake Lalonde up from her sopor-coma.  Terrific.  More interactions you don’t need.

You aren’t sticking around for this.  Dave looks like he’s been slapped and you almost kind of want to slap him just to fulfill the prophecy but instead you turn and storm out without another word, slamming the door hard behind you.

Dave doesn’t follow, and it’s only once you’re out in the hallway of his hivestem that you realise this was... kind of stupid.  Two of the four security guards you and Kanaya were assigned are waiting outside Dave’s door – have they been here all night?  Fuck.  You assume the other two went home with her... in the wheeled scuttlebuggy that brought you here.  Shit.

You don’t want to see Kanaya yet, and at the same time you want to see her so badly that your pusher aches with it.  You think of how kind TG was helping you feel safe when you were lost and alone on an unfamiliar planet.  You think of Dave’s warm hand on your hair last night, the way he had even tried to mimic the conciliatory buzz you had been emanating in your distress.  

How pathetic is that?  Your moirail cheated on you with a human, you went to another human for comfort, now you’re mad at that human, and yearning for comfort from both of them.  It sucks.  It hurts.

You storm all the way out of the hivestem, barely listening as one of the guards makes a quick call for a wheeled scuttlebuggy to come pick you up.  To go back to the hotel, no doubt.  Where Kanaya will be.  Argh.

There are other options, you consider for half a second.  The itinerary Eridan drilled into your head had set today aside for recreation, so that you and Kanaya could enjoy the trip and see a little bit of Earth.  You could just... go do that.  But you don’t know where you would go, and the thought of traipsing around this planet alone with every idiot human gawking at you... no, you can’t even stomach the thought.

So.  Back to the hotel.  You grit your teeth and brave a look at your palmhusk while you wait for the wheeled scuttlebuggy, trying not to wince as you open Trollian.  The last thing you want is to arrive to even more fucking shocks.

You’ve got a lot of messages, of course, but most of the shitstains you call friends can wait for now.  The green and red names flashing at the top of your ChumpRoll are the ones you have to bite the bullet on.  It has to be done, sooner or later.

You tap on Kanaya’s name first.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: Karkat I Really Am So So Sorry
GA: I Panicked In The Moment But My Actions Were Completely Inexcusable
GA: I Should Have Brought Rose To Dave Instead And Left Him To Deal With Things
GA: It Is So Hard Knowing How To Respond To The Way Humans Blend The Borders Of Things
GA: But This Was Not The Right Way
GA: I Am Sorry
GA: I Do Not Know Where You Intend To Spend The Night But I Will Remain In My Respiteblock If You Wish To Be Undisturbed When You Return

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll! --

GA: Karkat
GA: It Is Now Morning And I Have Neither Heard Nor Seen Any Sign Of You
GA: Did You Not Come Back Last Night
GA: Please Answer I Am Worried About You
GA: Do I Need To Contact Eridan To Check In On You
CG: NO, FUCK, I’M FINE.
CG: I CRASHED AT STRIDER’S.
CG: AND NO, ***NOT*** LIKE THAT!
CG: YOU AND I BOTH GOT PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF LAID LAST NIGHT, SCORE FUCKING NONE FOR TEAM TROLL.
CG: HE GAVE ME SOME SHIT TO MAKE A PILE IN HIS HUMAN BROTHER’S RESPITEBLOCK.  IT WAS FINE.

You want to be mad.  You should be mad.  You should be fucking furious, your moirail cheating on you after two days.  But after last night... after everything Dave’s been putting you through...

CG: LOOK, OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO TALK.  ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.  BUT I UNDERSTAND.
CG: IT’S HARDER WITH HUMANS.  THEY JUST DON’T GET WHERE THOSE LINES ARE, OR THAT THEY EXIST FOR A REASON.
CG: YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO GET STRIDER.  THAT’S TRUE.  BUT I GET WHY YOU DIDN’T.
CG: WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT PROPERLY IN PERSON, I’M ON THE WAY BACK NOW.
GA: I Dont Understand
GA: You Should Be Furious With Me
GA: Why Are You Not Furious
GA: You Are Always Furious
GA: What Happened
CG: WE’LL TALK WHEN I GET BACK.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

That could have been worse.  A lot worse.  The conversation with Kanaya took up the time it took for your wheeled scuttlebuggy to arrive, and once your security has shuffled you inside for the journey back to the hotel you finally consider the red name sitting next on your list.  There’s no doubt a wall of text already waiting for you there – TG has always typed ridiculously fast, and his – Dave’s – propensity for rambling means he’s almost certainly left you an entire novel in the time since you left his hive.  You glance up and out the tinted window, sighing heavily as you catch sight of the monstrously coloured SBaHJ production studio in the distance.

Fuck.

You take a deep breath, and tap on his name.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: im so fucking sorry

That’s... that’s it.

You’ve never seen him so quiet.

It feels viscerally wrong.  You wish you had opened up your husk to a torrent of gibberish you would never in a million years actually read, because two thirds of it was completely irrelevant rambling.  That would be annoying, but it wouldn’t be... this.

For all the time you’ve spent telling Dave to shut up, you really don’t like how you feel when he does.

It makes you want to ramble at him.  Rant and rave and scream until he unzips his squawk blister, so you can yell at him to shut it again.  You almost do.  Almost.

But then an unfamiliar handle pops up with a message request.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TT: Karkat, it’s Rose Lalonde.  I owe you an apology for last night.
TT: I won’t go into the details for obvious reasons, but in a fit of nerves I managed to get myself into an emotionally vulnerable state, and my conversation with Kanaya took a journey into territory I had no right to get into with her.
TT: My intoxication is no excuse, but it inhibited my ability to judge where I was overstepping lines within troll culture.  Had I been of sound mind, I would have backed off immediately.
TT: I am currently apologizing to Kanaya as well.  I can’t believe I behaved so inappropriately towards her.
TT: My memory of the latter half of the evening is fuzzy, but Dave has done his best to fill me in, and explain some of the cultural nuances I was lacking.  
TT: I sincerely apologize, and hope that I haven’t caused any irreparable damage between the two of you.  It truly was not my intention to intrude.
CG: UGH, NO.
CG: SOMEHOW IN THIS ENTIRE CLUSTERFUCK YOU’RE THE PERSON I’M THE LEAST ANGRY AT RIGHT NOW.
CG: WHICH MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, BUT NEITHER DOES ANYTHING ON THIS NIGHTMARE OF A PLANET.
CG: YOU WERE VERY OBVIOUSLY FUCKING OBLITERATED ON SOPORIFICS, I KNEW YOU HAD NO IDEA WHAT LINES YOU WERE CROSSING.  IT WAS VERY, VERY FUCKING CLEARLY NOT MALICIOUS ON YOUR PART.
CG: DAVE PRACTICALLY HAD TO CARRY YOU BACK TO YOUR RESPITEBLOCK, I’D BE OUT OF MY PAN TO ACTUALLY BLAME YOU WHEN KANAYA WAS IN FULL FUCKING CONTROL OF HER FACULTIES AND KNEW EXACTLY WHICH LINES WERE BEING CROSSED.
CG: WHICH WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.
CG: AND THAT CONVERSATION IS, FRANKLY, NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
TT: That makes perfect sense.
TT: I’m glad you two are talking.
TT: As much as I appreciate the forgiveness though, I do accept my share of responsibility.
TT: I may have been intoxicated, but I should have known better.  
TT: In troll terms my interest in Kanaya could be considered “red”, but I clearly don’t have the cultural context to know where that overlaps with “pale” activities.  In my mind, the delineation would be completely different.
TT: But I should have taken those boundaries well into account before initiating any emotional advances towards her.
CG: IT’S FINE.  REALLY.  I PROMISE.
CG: SOME INSANE QUADRANT BULLSHIT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN AT SOME POINT WHILE WE’RE DOWN HERE.  WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.
TT: I appreciate the understanding.
TT: And I agree, “insane quadrant bullshit” was almost certainly going to be a component of this experience.
TT: Speaking of “insane quadrant bullshit”.
TT: Now that I’m done prostrating myself for your forgiveness, I have a few questions.
TT: Most importantly, why does my brother look like someone just told him every Olive Garden on Earth is closing?
TT: I asked him what had upset him, and he said something about “fucking up doublestyle like some wack-ass mustard stereotype”, then proceeded to completely reject any follow-up questions.
TT: He’s been mumbling self-deprecating rap lyrics to himself and won’t actually talk to me.
TT: Whatever he did, I assure you that he’s sorry.
TT: Alternatively, if this is your fault please know that I will hunt you down for hurting him.
TT: I haven’t seen him like this for years.
CG: FUCK, YOU CLAIM NOT TO UNDERSTAND MOIRAILLEGIANCE THEN GO OFF LIKE THAT.
CG: IF THIS WAS A ROMCOM THIS IS THE PART WHERE HE WOULD RUN INTO YOUR ARMS AND YOU WOULD STROKE ONE ANOTHER’S FACES MELODRAMATICALLY.
CG: BUT THAT WOULD APPARENTLY BE HUMAN INCEST?
CG: I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND *YOUR* SYSTEM.
CG: ANYWAY, HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.
TT: I see.
TT: As much as I would very much love to dig into this sociological discussion on the cultural nuances of romantic love and platonic love in a society wherein familial love does not exist, I unfortunately have more pressing concerns.  
TT: Namely, making a second coffee and getting Dave to stop mumbling.
TT: My head is fucking killing me.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You... actually do think that conversation would be fascinating, with someone who seems unironically interested enough to try and understand.  You’re much too tired to really dwell on how bizarre it is to kind of look forward to talking more with her, considering the multi-quadrant clusterfuck you’re currently embroiled in.

A clusterfuck that’s waiting for you upstairs, as your wheeled scuttlebuggy pulls in to the hotel parking lot.  You sigh heavily and pocket your palmhusk again, doing your best to collect yourself as the lift takes you up and up and up to the plush suite that saw the beginning of your moiralleigance with Kanaya, and may now see its end as well.

She’s on the loungeplank when you enter, clearly in the middle of a conversation on Trollian, though she looks up from her palmhusk immediately when she hears you arrive.  She looks nervous and relieved all at once, pocketing her husk as she rises to her feet.

“Karkat, I-”  You hold up a hand to stop her, though you’re not totally sure what you actually want to say, to start with.  When words do make their way up your squeal pipette, it’s not any of the things you had planned to say at all.

“We shouldn’t have made it official.”

Her face drops, and you tense with the instinct to comfort her.  “Not- I mean, not while we’re down here.  It’s – it was nice, it’s been nice, having each other, but surrounded by humans... they don’t know how to deal with this shit, and we don’t know how to deal with their shit without offending them.  So, let’s – we can... we can still be there for each other, of course, but let’s not... let’s not cement what this actually is until we’re back home.  So we don’t – there aren’t any lines to... to worry about.”

It’s not what either of you expected from this, but as you speak you feel more and more certain that it’s the right thing to be done.  You can figure out the long term once you’re back where you live, where people know how to act.  Right now, you have to adapt to your surroundings.

Kanaya looks upset, then glances down towards the pocket her husk is in, then looks back to you, still clearly unhappy.  “Are you sure?”  She asks hesitantly, taking a step closer.  “This... this whole situation is very stressful.  I had hoped a moirailleigance would be good for you – for both of us...”

You nod, moving closer and hesitating a moment before letting yourself run a hand along her upper arm – chaste, but comforting nonetheless.  “I mean, we were already all fucking over each other before this, let’s be honest.”  She chuckles and nods, and the cool touch of her hand over yours settles your nerves.  “We can still... we can still do this, look after each other, all that stuff, I just... I think looking at it as a filled quadrant will make it hard to get to know humans on their terms.  And – and you like Rose.  I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

She’s been humming louder and louder since you touched her arm, and at the mention of Rose she can’t quite hold back an excited chirp.  “Thank you.”  She says softly, squeezing your hand.  “I... I know it’s just a fling, though.”  Her chirps wind down, and you squeeze her arm gently.  “I mean, we’re only here for four more days.  It can’t be anything else, and you’re...”  She sighs and shakes her head.  “You’re right.  These are conversations for once we’re home.”

You nod, feeling a small pang of guilt.  Was... was any of this even wrong?  You’re still not sure, but you need to tell her about last night.  “I... you should know.  After you left... wait, no, fuck, I’m doing this wrong.  Before, when Dave and I were up on the roof, he... ugh, humans are so open, he tried the same thing.  Or... fuck, no, that’s not even fair - he wasn’t trying anything, he just started talking about his childhood and his shitty adult human lusus, and – and I cut him off.”  You see her face crumple with guilt and shake your head quickly.

“Not why I’m telling you.”  You say firmly and squeeze her arm before continuing.  “But then after you left, I... I mean, I was upset already, and ugh, and he was there, and...” You hate how much you sound like every cheesy repetitive dramatic scene in the tackier catalogue of romcoms, but... well, but it’s fucking true in this case.  “Ugh, he just – he comforted me, and we talked about things a bit.”  You hesitate.  “He tried to hum at me, it...”  You bury your face in your hands, wishing you were better at suppressing the buzzes and chirps leaking from you.  “Fuck, he keeps vacillating on me.  But- yeah, I get what it’s like.  Having a human just... yeah.”

The clicks coming from Kanaya are hurt - of course they are - but she moves closer, lightly smoothing her hands over your hair, settling your nerves.  “We really are navigating uncharted territory, aren’t we?”  She asks softly and you melt into her, uncovering your face and moving to stroke hers instead.  This close you can see how tired she looks, and you know neither of you got real sleep last night. 

“We’re doing our best.”  You grumble, trying and failing to be soothing.  “Even if we’re completely fucking it up.”

She chokes out a laugh, and something in your thorax that you didn’t realise was tense relaxes.  “We are rather doing that, aren’t we?”

You smile fondly, touching her cheek.  “We are.  But hey, we’re also doing this the best anyone’s ever fucking done it.”

Kanaya laughs, and you feel okay for the first time in days.

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CA: kar please tell me im not seein a fuckin headline about you spendin the night at striders hivve
CA: i thought you hated him PLATONICALLY
CA: kar answwer me i havve so many fuckin emails to wwrite
CA: god damn it outta evveryone i knoww you wwere the one i thought wwas least likely to cause a fuckin intergalactic incident wwith their bulge
CA: an you knoww this is serious because im not evven fishin for deets
CA: the gossip session WWILL be comin later
CA: i just gotta make sure wwe get aheada the media shitstorm
CA: KAR ANSWWER YOUR FUCKIN HUSK
CG: FUCK SORRY.  I’M HERE.
CG: IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE THAT!  WE DIDN’T FUCK!
CG: SOME SHIT WENT DOWN LAST NIGHT THAT IS FRANKLY NONE OF ANYONE’S FUCKING BUSINESS AND I CRASHED IN A PILE IN STRIDER’S SPARE RESPITEBLOCK.  BY MYSELF.  THAT’S ALL.
CA: seriously
CA: are you pullin my fuckin fin kar
CA: youvve got the entire tabloid circus a TWWO planets frothin at the mouth an you didn’t even get LAID?
CA: you havve the wworst luck a anyone ivve evver met
CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING TELL ME, SHITPAN.
CG: I WASN’T EVEN THERE *TO* GET LAID!  *KANAYA* WAS ON A DATE WITH STRIDER’S HUMAN SISTER.  I WAS TAGGING ALONG.
CA: wwait your own moirail made you crash wwith a guy you dont evven like so SHE could get laid?!
CG: NO!  NOBODY GOT LAID!  THAT’S THE WORST BIT!  
CG: IT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SHITAWFUL EVENING SLASH MORNING FOR EVERY SINGLE PERSON INVOLVED.  THE ONLY WAY IT COULD HAVE GONE WORSE WOULD BE IF STRIDER HAD PUT ON ONE OF HIS MOVIES IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE WE WERE ALL PLAYING FUCKING WHACK-A-GRUB WITH EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS.
CG: BUT NOT IN ANY KIND OF INTERGALACTIC DIPLOMACY WAY, *OR* A JUICY GOSSIP WAY!  JUST BORING REGULAR PEOPLE ALL BEING ASSHOLES!
CA: wwoww
CA: thats rough buddy
CA: i still wwant deets but i guess that means the important part is wwhether i should be wworryin about strider or the other human talkin shit to the press
CG: NO, I DON’T THINK SO.
CG: THEY MADE ASSES OF THEMSELVES, WE MADE ASSES OF OURSELVES, IT WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER ON ALL FRONTS.  I DOUBT ANYONE INVOLVED IN THAT FESTERING DUMPSTER OF AN EVENING IS ALL THAT KEEN ON REHASHING IT TO THE PRESS.
CG: PERSONALLY I WOULD RATHER BE STRAPPED DOWN AND FORCED TO DO NOTHING BUT WATCH STRIDER’S FILM OEUVRE FOR AN ENTIRE SWEEP STRAIGHT THAN RELATE ANY OF THE HUMILIATING DETAILS OF THAT CLUSTERFUCK TO LITERALLY ANYBODY.
CA: alright alright message receivved
CA: just keep an eye on trollian kar
CA: i cant call you from here so if anyfin urgent happens i NEEDA be able to get hold of you
CA: wwe clear?
CG: CLEAR.
CG: SORRY FOR ANY SHIT THIS HAS BROUGHT YOU.
CA: eh its my fuckin job
CA: just stay in touch
CA: an stop fuckin bein such an asshole
CG: MESSAGE RECEIVED.  DOUCHEBAG.
CA: careful kar
CA: dont wwanna cause an incident on a wwhole OTHER planet by makin sol jealous a you flirtin wwith me black style
CG: IT'S FUNNY, THE SECOND YOU SWITCH OUT OF WORK MODE YOU BECOME A FUCKING THOUSAND TIMES LESS TOLERABLE.
CA: lovve you too kar
CA: noww go enjoy your sightseein day
CA: sea you tomorroww

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Ugh.  Dealing with Eridan switching in and out of Serious Diplomat mode seemingly at random always gives you a pan-ache, but at least it's done.  You proceed to work your way down the rest of your ChumpRoll catching up on messages, though you don't respond to anyone else.  It's just too tiring, thinking about maintaining your normal, everynight life while you're dealing with... all this.

But eventually you don't have any more notifications, and there's nothing else to be done on Trollian except for staring at Dave's last message, the chat sitting there quietly untouched, its silence saying more than any thousand word ramble ever could.

Ugh.

You set your husk aside and go to perform your ablutions, feeling a little better once you're clean and smell like Earth spices again, absolutely certain that you are going to steal these soaps when you have to return to Alternia.  At least this trip will be good for something that way.

And then you're just... in the recblock.  Today is one of the two days you were allocated to explore Earth and see some sights, and you're at a complete loss for what that even means.  How are you supposed to experience an entire planet in the space of two days?  Especially while you've got constant security shuttling you from place to place, and hordes of gormless aliens eager to gawk at your every public move.  Ugh.

Eridan left a list of recommendations for things to see and do and they sound fairly universally terrible, but it's a starting place at least.  You and Kanaya kill a good half hour going down the list and debating your options, and it goes a long way to settle the lingering awkwardness.  Wherever the mess that is your quadrant lands, the two of you work well together.  You know she was doing you a favour, giving you a position as her assistant so you would have a place to keep your head down, but you actually really enjoy it.  It's been long enough that most of the mutant heat is off you, you could move on and find another job reasonably easily, but you like working with Kanaya.  You make a good team.

So making plans and working out how to make things happen feels natural and normal, and at the end of the conversation you have a schedule for the day that only makes you feel mildly consumed by anguish.  Kanaya is excited at least, and despite everything the thought of helping her relax still settles your pusher somewhat.

Once your security has been briefed and you've been shuttled back into the back of the wheeled scuttlebuggy you feel normal enough to finally open this morning's nutrition cylinder of worms.

"You've been talking to Rose."  You start slowly, glancing down at Kanaya's palmhusk just as she whips her eyes up from it.  "So... she probably mentioned that something happened this morning, huh?"

Kanaya nods, and you know her well enough to recognise the discomfort in her expression.  "I didn't know whether to bring it up, but... the vague sense she gave was that something quite dire must have happened.  Dave apparently refuses to speak to her about it at all.  Every time she approaches he starts mumbling slam poetry and absconds as quickly as possible. Apparently some of their friends are on the way over, and Rose is hopeful that they'll have more luck."

You wince slightly, hand unconsciously flicking to the bump of your palmhusk tucked in your pocket.  "He's... not said anything to me either."  You admit slowly.  "Which I didn't realise was a thing he was fucking capable of."  You close your eyes and let out a slow breath, doing your best to stay calm as you tell her.  "You know that guy I've been talking with, TG?  Turns out it was Dave all fucking along, pretending to be some guy called Doug.  He's been lying to me for weeks."

"Oh."  Kanaya says slowly, and you nod as you watch her recontextualise everything you've said about TG, both to her in person and while bickering with him on your blog.  

"Oh is fucking right."  You grumble, fronds opening and closing on your lap in frustration.  "I saw our conversation open on his palmhusk.  He's been - fuck, he's been playing with me this whole time.  He's the one who hassled me to even watch the stupid "Movovie" in the first place!  This is all his fucking fault, I bet he was lying about not being the one to invite us to Earth too.  He's been fucking with me for weeks, and for what?!  The publicity?"

Kanaya seems hesitant to interrupt your tirade, but she's seen more than enough of them to interject nonetheless.  "I mean, obviously there are bigger issues, but he could hardly have known that you would actually understand his... creative style.  I doubt there was anything more nefarious at play than the prospect of making you watch a movie you wouldn't enjoy.  Which you must admit you do spend an awful lot of time doing under your own steam for some reason."

"That's-"  She has a point.  "That's neither here nor there!  He's still been fucking with me as two people, letting me think he's my friend one minute and making my life hell the next!  Do you have any idea what it's like having two people flirting with you in every quadrant simultaneously?!  It's been an absolute shitshow, and every time I even begin to feel like I've found my strut pods around him, he'll say or do something completely out of left fucking field and throw me right back to square one!  And he's been doing it as two people at the same time!"

Kanaya reaches out to you for a second before withdrawing her hand, and your heart breaks a little.  You hesitate before taking her hand and guiding it to your shoulder - nothing explicit, nothing too far, but she's there, and it helps.  It clearly helps her too, her voice more sure when she speaks again.  

"So... you had an interest in him?"  It's not what you expected from her at all, and the shock of the question is enough to fluster you all the way out of your tantrum.  "Just one of them, or both?"

"That's - ngggh, it's complicated, okay?  I... I mean, you saw all the gossip blogs, you saw the way Strider used to needle me on Grumblr.  I'd be an imbecile if I hadn't at least considered the possibility of something black arising when we met in person.  And TG-"  You sigh heavily and rub your face, cutting yourself off for a moment.

"I didn't think I was interested in TG as anything but a friend, but we did have some interesting conversations.  And then at the premiere when I lost you he had my back right away, it was... comforting.  I thought maybe we could meet up, hang out... not really anything in particular, I just... felt like I could trust him, you know?"

You're already onto the next thought when your mind skips its way backwards.  The premiere.

"Holy fuck, he literally led me right to him."  You groan, hitting your head back against the headrest of your seat.  "At the premiere, TG told me to go find this oddly specific privacy corridor.  Where Strider just happened to be.  I'm a fucking idiot."

"You're not an idiot."  Kanaya's hand finds its way up to your cheek and it's... a little further than could be considered platonic, but you lean in to it anyway.  You're doing a really bad job of this whole taking a break thing already.  "You had no reason to suspect they were the same person - it would frankly be rather an insane thing to assume.  You took the information you had and processed it in a way that made sense."  She frowns slightly, thumb running along your cheekbone, and she's so beautiful it aches.  "Did he explain... why he kept up the two personas?"

You grumble and click as you look away, frustrated that you have to admit the one part of his story that did make sense.  "He said the whole "TG" thing was an old handle he keeps private, so he can just... hang about on the internet without being famous."  You sigh heavily.  "Which... I do get.  He's... ugh, he's pretty obviously not actually super chill with all the attention.  It must be nice to be able to walk away from it all for a while.  He's a completely different guy when he doesn't have a rampaging audience of sycophants clamoring for every scrap of him they can get."  Ugh.  "He's... a lot more like TG.  Fuck, I really can't believe I didn't see it.  He's so obviously the same guy, when he doesn't have half the galaxy glued to his every move.  Pan-blisteringly stupid flirtation and all."

The anger is gone all of a sudden, and you feel... deflated.  You sink back into the seat and stare out the window, silent as Kanaya's hand drops from your cheek and she shifts away again.  "Do you think he wanted to tell you?"  She asks slowly, cautiously.  

You shrug, trying to think back to the slurry of garbage he had spewed forth as you were leaving this morning.  "...I think so."  You admit.  "He - rrgh.  He's sorry.  Genuinely, I think.  He freaked the fuck out this morning, and according to Rose he's been weird and silent all day.  Which I didn't think was possible.  But look-" You pull out your husk and show her the conversation with TG, four small words sitting where usually he would have accumulated thousands while you've been offline for so long.  He feels wrong.  You almost aren't mad anymore - you've managed to rage yourself out as per usual - but at the same time you have no idea what to make of anything that's happened over the last few days.

You... want to message him.  You want to talk to him about this, like he's not even involved in it - TG has been your source of human knowledge this whole trip, and now that you're dealing with... whatever human nonsense he's putting you through... he's the person you want advice from the most.  Even if it would be terrible.

Fuck.

Sightseeing is a decent distraction, even if you're grumpy the whole time and keep pulling out your husk only to immediately pocket it again.  You go to the beach first, the destination you had been most adamantly against.  Kanaya wants to spend some time in the sun together though, so you endure the stares and cameras of humans likely only kept back by the presence of your security as you follow her along the sand.  There's a promenade as well, and you take some time to gawk at human shops, Kanaya eventually dragging you into an apparently particularly enticing clothes shop and emerging several bags heavier, after only a small amount of confusion on how to use the human money cards Eridan gave you and an impromptu photo session with the shop staff (who you suspect would have taken your pictures whether you agreed or not.)

And then the beach trip is over, and you're free.  The next portion of the day is your choice, a trip to the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures.  You don't know nearly as much human cinema as troll of course, but you have enough of a grasp by now to recognise plenty of the exhibits, and Kanaya very kindly pretends you're not boring her stupid as you rant and rave about them.

You grip your husk in your pocket the whole time.  TG would have loved this.

The last stop on the list is dinner, and without any other guidance to go by you just pick the first on the list of restaurants Eridan recommended.  It's a seafood place, of course, and you're... actually surprised at how similar Earth and Alternian seafood seems to be.  You can picture he and Feferi having a whale of a time here trying everything on the menu.  You- actually, you don't even need to picture it.  There's a fucking photo on the wall of the two of them towering over a human who is presumably the restaurant's owner, and a plaque boasting this as the preferred dining spot of visiting Alternian dignitaries.  

A reputation the owner seems extremely proud of, as he eagerly offers your food for free in exchange for another photo for the wall.  It's a tradition you've only ever seen play out in movies after characters consume an unhealthy amount of food, but when you ask the owner if you'll be expected to do so he just laughs and claps you on the shoulder, apparently not noticing the way you cringe from the unexpected contact.  Why are humans so touchy?!

Eventually though, you're settled into a reasonably private booth, with what you suspect is the best of the menu laid out in front of you.  The place has filled up fast, and you're pretty fucking sure people have been posting that you're here based on the amount of gawkers you're able to spy in just the small sliver of dining room you can see.  Great.

You do your best to ignore them, pleasantly surprised at how good the food is.  Everything you've had on Earth has been unexpectedly good, but you are really craving a good helping of grubsauce right now, just to really make the plate complete.

It would be a peaceful dinner, but every time you look up you see a gawking face or the winking lens of a camera, as though people think they have some kind of fucking right to treat you like a circus act while you're just going about your business. What should be a normal, easy day out has felt like being dragged up on stage in front of crowds of strangers every step of the way, and you can really see just why someone would find it intolerable. Living like this every day. You would need an escape too.

It would all have been so much easier to cope with if you could talk to TG. Talk to Dave. He would have made shopping with Kanaya a breeze.  The two of them might have found some common ground.  Maybe Kanaya would manage to convince him to wear something that isn't completely stupid.  He would have been able to distract you from the constant attention as you walked along the beachfront, probably made some stupid jokes to put you at ease.  He might even know some way of keeping them at bay.

He would have loved the museum.

Fuck.

Your husk is in your hands before you even really know it, and you don't even think for a second about how rude it is to be texting in the middle of dinner.  You've made your mind up and you need to commit to this, now.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: MOVIE NIGHT TOMORROW.  YOUR TURN TO PICK.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Dave Strider, and you have a date tonight.

At least, you hope it's a date.  If it turns out Karkat really is just giving you another chance for the sicknasty bro-down of your dreams, that'll be cool too.  But he wouldn't insist it wasn't a date so adamantly if it wasn't at least kind of a date.

First though, you have to survive one of the most bizarre events of your life.  You have no idea why the hell you were included in this whole thing, but you're pretty sure it's some kind of show of reciprocity. Karkat gets to meet the head of the UN, you get to meet some important troll guy. Figureheads of intergalactic peace and friendship or some shit.

Most of yesterday was a blur, all your attention focused on turning over the myriad different ways you fucked things up in your head. It had taken a very persuasive visit from Jade and John to get you and Rose off the couch, but even a rare catch up with all three of your best friends hadn't been enough to drag you out of your slump. Especially when you could see Rose messaging Kanaya obsessively every second that she thought you weren't looking. You weren't actually upset though - at least someone managed to recover from yesterday's shitshow.

Karkats message had come in the middle of an intense gossip session about how awkward Dirk and Jake were last night (and god, you PRAY that complete clusterfuck isn't about to be on again) and apparently the change in your demeanour was obvious enough for even John to pick up on it. The subject of teasing had very quickly turned to just how cute you allegedly get every time anyone mentions Karkat, and you did your best to tune them all out in an effort to plan the best maybe-date of your life. Because fuck.

You've known since before he arrived that you're into Karkat - he's fun to mess with, which is an essential property for any fling - but you had been totally unprepared for what it would actually be like being around him. He has such a sturdy, undeniable physical presence, and between that and the way he smells, the troll accent, the mysterious clicks and chirps... Yeah, you were basically doomed.

But being into someone is one thing, and... Whatever this is, is something different entirely. You've never really cared this way before when someone got fed up with your shit. You've never felt like your skin was on fire just at the thought of seeing them. You've never been terrified of fucking up. This is new. It's new, and it's huge, and it scares the absolute shit out of you.

So by the time you're entering the goddamn UN embassy you're almost shitting yourself more about seeing him than the fact that you're in the goddamn UN embassy what the fuck. 

Hopefully this whole thing won't take too long. It was described to you as essentially a high-profile press conference, and god knows you've done more than enough of those fucking things over the years. You can do this. Just shake some hands, wave to some cameras, smile as fake as you can. Easy.

You had been hoping to find a moment with Karkat before things kicked off, but you're whisked directly into the fanciest room you've ever been in your fucking life, faced with a smiling woman who is maybe the most important person in the world what the fuck, and Karkat and Kanaya looking just as shellshocked as you feel.  Alongside, uh... the tallest troll you've ever seen.

Which isn't saying a ton, since you've seen exactly three trolls irl now.  But judging by the fins and gills, this guy's a seadweller.  And judging by the cape, this guy's either incredibly important, or a huge douchebag.  Probably both, considering he's here.  He's deep in conversation with a visibly frustrated Karkat, while Kanaya... looks like she's trying not to glare daggers at him, and is absolutely failing.  Whatever they're growling about in Alternian, Karkat is making the same little clicks he makes whenever he's annoyed with you, and you don't think about how jealous that makes you.

Not that you have long to, as the head of the fucking shitting United Nations is busy shaking your hand.  What the fuck.  "Mr. Strider, it's a pleasure to meet you."  You can't place her accent, a little bit Australian but to the right, but there's something soothing in her demeanour.  Not what you had expected from the most important person in the fucking world.  "I'm sure you're sick of hearing it, but I hope you know how thrilled we are to have you acting as a spokesman for this new era of friendship with our Alternian allies."

"Uh... yeah, it's cool."  You've never been good at formal occasions, and you are so out of your depth you feel like you could look down and see the god damn Mariana Trench just hanging out down there, all swarming with fucked up fishes and shit.  Who the fuck in their right mind would consider you any kind of spokesman?  "I mean, I feel like I did basically nothing, but... yeah.  Thanks."

Somehow she seems satisfied with that, patting you on the arm reassuringly.  "This won't take too long.  I'm going to speak a little, the Alternian diplomat is going to speak a little, then we'll be giving you all certificates and posing for more photos than anyone in their right mind could ever want.  Easy as."  You nod again, as if what she's describing is totally normal and not pants-shittingly absurd.  You get why Karkat keeps referring to himself as some guy with a blog now.  You're some guy with a bunch of stupid movies, what the fuck are you doing here?

"Cool."  You say instead, and to your relief the woman gives you one last pat on the arm before abandoning you to go over her notes and chat with a collection of furiously nodding assistants.  Unfortunately, that leaves space for the unfamiliar troll to make his way over, and something about his fangs makes his smile unsettling in a way Karkat and Kanaya's never have been.

"We meet at last, Strider."  He even has a different accent, kind of wobbly, and you're gladder than ever for your shades shielding your reaction from the world as you nod.  He reaches out a hand and you shake it, remembering how Karkat had balked at the gesture just days earlier on the talk show.  A diplomat dealing with humans on the regular would have a better handle on these things, obviously, but the difference is still a little jarring.  His body language is just human enough to be uncanny valley, which makes the parts of him that are alien only look that much more alien.

"We've met online a course."  He continues, and you wrack your brain for a second before realising oh yeah, you totally recognise this douchebag from his profile picture.

"Oh, uh... caligulasAquarium?"  You hazard a guess, and he grins wider.  You never in your fucking life would have picked that guy as having any kind of important role in troll society.  Maybe it was just a reflection of their more casual approach to diplomacy.  You remember ignoring a ton of thinkpieces about that back in the day.  "Yeah, uh, cool to meet you too."

"Eridan Ampora, when it's official."  He corrects, and you nod quickly.  "I'm only Earthside for the day, gotta get home an' finish up some fuckin' legal negotiations, so I'm glad we got the chance.  Wish it were under less formal circumstances, I dunno how humans deal with this shit.  I'd love ta just sit down an' have a proper chat, get to know each other."  He snickers, and oh yeah, you definitely remember this douchebag now.  "Not that I'd wanna move in on Kar's territory or anyfin.  But I'd love ta get your side a that particular situation..."

"Uh... yeah.  Sorry dude.  Some other time."  Karkat and Kanaya have never been unsettling to talk to the way this guy is, but he doesn't seem put off by your reaction at least, broad grin never wavering.  He even reminds you of a pointier version of that TV host.  What's-his-name.  You can never keep them straight.

"I'll hold you to that."  Eridan grins, and you really hope he doesn't.  He seems satisfied with your conversation though, giving a wink you try very hard not to think about before sauntering over to chat with the human representative.  

You take the chance to make eye contact with Karkat, and for a guy who wears all his emotions and then some on his face, the look he's giving you is completely indecipherable.  Cool.

You start to make your way over in the hopes of getting at least a few words in before this thing gets underway, but no such luck.  Important people in suits and earpieces quickly start ushering the group of you on, and after a short walk down a frankly melodramatic hallway, you're in a conference room.  In front of the most reporters you've ever seen in your life.  And then some.  Oh fuck.

You're so overwhelmed by the amount of eyes and flashing cameras that you don't hear a single word of either speech, stood completely dumbstruck next to Karkat and Kanaya, both radiating the exact same discomfort from every pore.  Something about the things that unite us and common ground and a new joining of societies based on whatever whatever whatever.  It's barely important.  God you wish you had Rose here.

You've completely lost track of the event when Eridan gestures you forward, giving the cameras another one of his unsettling grins as he shakes your hand.  You do your best to smile, and accept the... certificate? he hands you.  The frame it's in is squishy in the way Karkat's phone looks, and you hope you're doing an okay job of not grimacing at the feel of it.  It's written in Alternian with English translations underneath, basically just thanking you for being a public role model for acceptance and friendship and shit.  Cool?  You never expected to get an award for fucking trolling a troll online of all things, but... here you are.  God, it's slimy too. Gross.

On the other side of the podium the UN leader is handing Karkat and Kanaya similar certificates, in English with Alternian translations and normal fucking god damn frames, and Karkat looks like he wants to shit his pants.  Man, at least you're used to awards shows and press conferences and whatever.  Poor guy.

The UN leader really wasn't kidding about the number of photos you'd need to take.  By the end of it all your arm is aching and sticky from holding up the stupid certificate alongside different configurations of the four other people on stage.  It feels like hours before you're released, doing your best not to sprint out of the fucking press room, holy shit.  

Once you're all back in the holding area, Eridan checks his weird lumpy phone with a groan.  "Ah damn it, I hoped I could hang round an glub for a bit but I gotta run.  Somefin big comin' down the pipeline."  The fish puns somehow stand out more out loud than they do online, and you wonder how the fuck he's managing to do that so effortlessly in his second language.  Karkat rumbles something at him in Alternian, and Eridan laughs and chitters back at him before shaking his head.  "Never stop bein' an asshole, Kar."  He says fondly, before something in him stiffens and he gives a nod that's almost low enough to count as a bow.  "Nice ta see ya again, Kan."

Kanaya's responding nod is stiff, and you're glad not to be in on whatever past is lingering there.  You just hang back as the trolls say their goodbyes and Eridan leaves with most of the UN delegation, finally leaving you (mostly) alone with Karkat and Kanaya.  (You have to pretend their security don't count, or you'll lose your mind.)

"Sup."  You can't stop the waver in your voice as you approach, jittering with nerves.  Last time you saw Karkat he was beyond furious with you, incensed and betrayed after getting way more vulnerable than he had no doubt expected to get with anyone other than Kanaya on this trip, and now here he is... looking just as nervous as you do.

"Hey."  He gives a small nod, and your facial muscles twitch up into a smile before you've even considered giving them permission to do so.  He doesn't return it, of course, but his shoulders unknot very slightly and you're calling that a win.

"So... look, I know Kanaya and Rose have been talking, but I dunno what she's actually told you about... uh... things."  He's clearly been practicing this conversation in his head, and you realise Kanaya's politely excused herself a short distance.  Oh boy.

"I've seen Rose glued to her phone, but beyond that she hasn't told me jack dick."  You shrug, completely failing to come across casual.  "I guess she was tryin' not to rub it in or something."

He nods, glancing at Kanaya for a moment and shuffling his feet.  "Right.  So... uh, I guess the first thing is that Kanaya and I aren't together anymore.  Not officially.  Everything's fine though, I think we just... realised the timing was off.  Humans are too primitive to understand moiraillegiance, it was always going to be a disaster trying to start something while we're surrounded by you."  You can tell he's trying to sound matter-of-fact about it, but his eyes flick to her a few more times than can be passed off as unaffected.

"Shit..."  You breathe, running a hand through your hair.  "I'm sorry, man.  For both of us, I mean, just 'cause we aren't used to those boundaries doesn't give us the right to trample our bigass human stompers all over them."

He flaps his hand dismissively, and you clam up.  "Not the point."  He says firmly.  "We're still cool, we're just going to sort things out once we're home.  And she knows- she knows about our feelings jam, so that's fine..."  He lowers his voice as if it's a dirty word, and you actually get what he means.  The way you talked after Kanaya left was intimate, and with the amount of godawful troll movies you've absorbed, you can appreciate what it meant... at least to some degree.

"That's, uh... I'm glad.  That you guys are cool."  You, meanwhile, have never been less cool in your life.  How the fuck does he do this to you?  "I... fuck, I know I've said it, but I really am sorry.  I never meant to lie to you, it... there was just no good time to say anything, and-"

He cuts you off with a click and you go silent immediately.  You never expected troll vocalisations to have such a strong effect on you, but here we are.

"Let's not talk about it right now."  He huffs, and you nod, remembering again that you're at the fucking UN embassy.  Right.  "We're on for a movie at your hive this mor- evening?  Fuck."  He growls, and you can't quite hold in a laugh.

"Fuck yeah, we can even call it movie morning if you want.  Seven PM movie morning, that cool?"  You get an actual smile back, the first one since yesterday morning.  

"Cool."  He hesitates, glancing at Kanaya again, and she clacks something at him, and you are taking fucking Alternian classes holy shit.  "Kanaya and Rose have plans tonight.  Rose is taking her to... some fancy clothes thing, I don't give a fuck.  But, uh, it'll be just us."

You grin, and do not examine the swooshy thing in your chest at that.  "Cool.  Very cool.  Just about the coolest shit I ever heard, actually.  Just you and me, bro-ing the fuck out to some fine cinema.  Cool."

He snorts and chitters, and the smile is back.  "Cool."

So, okay.  You have a hot date with an alien.  Whether it's a mushy feelings alien date, a normal human style macking date, or whatever hate-macking looks like, you're not sure yet, but the way Karkat looked almost bashful when he clarified you were going to be spending this time one on one makes you pretty fucking certain that this is a date.

Which, holy shit.  You have a date.  With an alien.

Rose is off on her own date, and as she was leaving she clarified with a smugness you would love to erase from your memory forever that she likely won't be home tonight.  Which - gross.  But the thought carries implications you can't stop turning over in your mind.  Did she and Kanaya talk about this?  Did she and Karkat talk about this?  Is he planning to stay here overnight, so Rose and Kanaya can have the hotel to themselves?  Nobody's said anything about that to you, and it makes you more than a little stir-crazy.

You want to message Rose so badly to hassle her about it, but she's already gone to meet Kanaya and you've got nothing to do but pace back and forth and count the packs of popcorn you bought on the way home from the embassy.  Still way more than you guys will actually need.  Yep.  Cool.

You don't run when the doorbell goes.  You flashstep, cool and not over-eager at all, then take a moment to check your hair and kill enough time so that it doesn't look like you flashstepped.  Feeling real normal.

"Hey."  Karkat is there and his flusternuggets are a darker gray than usual, and that's not a question you had ever expected to get an answer for, but it's actually pretty cool to know.

"Hey."  You grin, and it's cheesy as hell but you hold out a fist.  "I'm TG.  Nice to meet you in person."

It was clearly the right thing to say, because Karkat smiles and fucking chirps, and he eyes your fist.  "Well, you're going to have to teach me what the fuck to do with that thing, because no other douchebag has ever taught me how to do a "bro fist bump" before."  He makes little quote marks with his claws, and your heart's DJ throws a wicked record scratch.

"Oh man, I have got you."  You grin and take one of his hands, bumping his knuckles to yours just like you did back at the TV studio in what feels like another life.  "There.  Best alien bros for life, confirmed."

It's so dumb and he's laughing, and then you're laughing, and you listen for the happy chirps as you let him in.  You are stupid for him.  It's dizzying and a little scary, and you don't want it to ever stop.  You close the door behind him and lead the way to the kitchen.

"So you saw I did mad scourin' to find a good movie for tonight, and man your troll friends were exactly zero fuckin' help by the way."  You begin to ramble as you start making popcorn, trying not to think about what happened last time you were in this kitchen together.  "Took me fuckin' forever, but I think we've got a real winner on our hands here.  And hey, you'll be able to make fun of how bad the subtitles are in real time!"  

He fucking chirrups when he laughs and yeah, this is definitely a date.  This is date as fuck.  "Look, if you're being given an inaccurate or incomplete picture of things by some lazy shit of a translator, it's my fucking duty as a decent fucking person to say so.  You'll never learn to understand the nuances if-" he slips into Alternian mid-tirade to chitter and growl something you desperately wish you understood "-is being translated as "your horns aren't big enough for me."  It turns the whole thing into a cheap sex joke, and completely erases the context of needing to know your kismesis can handle themselves defensively if they have to!"  

"Oh, so the size thing is a sex joke for you guys too?"  You can't resist waggling your eyebrows as you pour glasses of juice for the two of you, and you kind of wish you could drink a glass of the stupid look on his face.  "Does whoever has the biggest nook win the kissmeetingship?"

Karkat chokes hard, and his blush is so deep that you swear you can almost see red.  "That's- I'm not even- I don't know where to fucking begin with how fucking- how inaccurate and inappropriate and obscene what you just said was!?"  His tirade shifts into Alternian again, and you don't even try to hide your shit-eating grin as you pour the popcorn into a big bowl and let the sounds wash over you.  You had hoped he would be just as much fun to wind up in person as he is online, but man...

"Alright, wasn't expecting the alien anatomy lesson before we've even sat down."  You smirk, before your brain catches up a second too late.  "Or at all, I mean, shit, wow, I did not mean for that to come out as douchey as it did.  I'm not, like, I mean, this isn't... uh... I'm not... expecting to... to creep all up on your bits?  Which, wow, I could not have made that sound more fucking unappealing if I tried.  Like, yeah man, things are gettin' hot and sensual, time to creep all up on your bits like a fuckin' nasty-ass beetle hungerin' to get its rank little scuttlepods all over your alien donger.  Or- wait, shit, you guys are like, bug people, fuck.  Is a nasty-ass beetle scuttlin' up on your stuff a sex thing for you?  Or have I just been pukin' the most heinously offensive obscenities from my idiot-hole for like the last thousand years.  Please for the love of fuck feel free to cut me off any fucking time because this ramble is all momentum and the only place to go is all the way down to the earth's core, where I get lost scurryin' through all the little bug tunnels and that's definitely a sex thing."

You finally manage to shut your mouth but his is agape, staring at you in awe and reminding you just exactly why you learned to keep a lid on your rambles when you're in the public eye.  People who aren't used to your personal brand of horseshit tend to react like that.

But then he laughs almost hysterically, rubbing a hand over his eyes in disbelief.  "Oh fuck.  I can not believe that I didn't realise you were TG when you go around saying the exact same moronic nonsense out loud that you do online.  I could practically read the obnoxiously red text scrolling across my screen and completely blocking out anything even remotely meaningful I might have had to say with the streams of mental diarrhoea you apparently have no capacity to prevent yourself from unloading on anyone within listening distance, holy fuck."

He's exactly like he is online too, and you don't try not to grin.  This is good.  This is easy, like it always has been.  Like it was when you talked on the roof two days and a lifetime ago.  "Hey, I only unload them on people I like."  You say brightly, and his cheeks darken again.  "You've been invited into a very exclusive club, feel privileged."

"Is there an opt-out option?"  He grumbles, but you're both smiling as between you you manhandle the massive bowl of popcorn and glasses of apple juice through to the living room.  After a bit of juggling and arranging you manage to set yourselves up on the couch - very much not touching, but with only a space big enough for the bowl of popcorn between you.  The small distance feels vast and intimate all at once, and a shy glance you catch being sent your way makes it seem like he feels the same.

"Alright, what cesspool of dribble are we going to spend the next two hours suffering through?"  Karkat grumbles, failing not to look thrilled at the size of your flat-screen.  It's not quite the home cinema John had nudged you to get, but it's pretty damn close.

"It's been a whole fuckin' mission, honestly.  Google translate and GOOgle translate were god damn life savers.  Which, by the way, extremely funny that we have the same names for that shit, your version just implies more slime.  Our Google does its best to pretend not to be slimy even though it's so corrupt it's oozin' like a hagfish, but you've got goo on full display."

He rolls his eyes, though he's still wearing that little fucking grin that shows two more teeth than usual.  "Stop fucking stalling, bulgebreath.  Condemn me to my miserable fate."

"Alright, brace yourself."  You feel a little giddy with nerves and excitement.  You read pages of his blog for ideas, as well as as many other troll movie reviewers as you could stomach.  (Karkat might come across as ornery by human standards, but man.... some troll bloggers are outright unnerving.)  The research was exhausting, but... you desperately hope it was worth it.

"So, you don't even wanna know how many Alternian viruses my computer probably has now, I got this from the fuckin' sketchiest fansub website imaginable.  The captions might be better though if it's being done by people who actually give a shit?  I dunno, man.  But whatever - tonight's Movie Morning With TG features;

"In Which Through An Unlikely Series Of Miscommunications A Cerulean Imperial Admiral Unknowingly Develops Red Feelings For A Blueblooded Admiral He Has Been Communicating With Over Radio.  Due To The Anonymity Of Code-Names Employed Both Admirals Are Unaware That They Are In Fact Each Other's Moirails, Leading To The Pair Inadvertently Filling Two Quadrants With One Another.  After A Series Of Humourous Mishaps, The Cerulean's Kismesis Is The One To Discover The Multi-Quadrant Clash, And Rather Than Simply Address The Situation With The Two Involved Trolls, He Opts To Add To The Quadrant Confusion By Assuming A False Persona And Attempting To Auspisticise The Blossoming Matespritship By Convincing Both Admirals That The Separate Trajectories Their Ships Are Taking Will Make Concupiscence Unmanageable.  The Situation Is Finally Unveiled By A Corporal Unwittingly De-Anonymising The Code-Names, And The Film Ends Ambigouously Without Confirming To The Audience Which Quadrants (If Any) The Characters Wind Up In.  Contains Twenty Seven Scenes Of Inadvertent Poly-Quadrant Romance, Four Calignous Kisses, Seven Scenes Which Could Be Considered "Sexting", And A Potentially Unsatisfactory Conclusion.  Or, as I like to call it, Shitfuck Quadrant Twister Extravaganza AKA A Hilariously On-The-Nose Movie Choice Brought To You By Dave Strider."

You finally look up from where you've been reading this bullshit title off your phone, and Karkat's mouth is agape.  Hell fucking yes.  You knew this was a winner.

"I- you-" He's actually speechless, but the cicada chirping in his ribcage (wait, does the dude have ribs?) tells you all you need to know.  "That's-"

"An apt-as-fuck pick that I know is a cinematic classic, because I did my fucking research?!  Yeah it is."  You don't try to hide the swagger as you pick up the remote.  It's well-earned, and you didn't really need sleep last night anyway.

"I don't know when the fuck you developed taste, Strider, but I'm convinced this is a one-off."  He's darker grey again and the cicada-chirp doesn't stop even as he hunches down in his seat and folds his arms.

"I win."  You smirk, wiggling your eyebrows.  "Now you've gotta find a real human classic for next time.  I'm talkin' Schindler's List.  The Godfather.  Fuckin' Shrek Two.  Bring it."

You use your phone to dim the lights and start the movie, and ignore the part of you that feels like a huge rich asshole for being too lazy to just get up and press play.

And it's good.  It's really good.  You knocked this shit out of the fucking park.  Even though you can tell you're still missing plenty of the nuances, the captions are way better on this than the official ones you've been watching so far.  There are even translator's notes, and it helps you understand enough to get just what a nuanced lens the story is being told through.  Yeah, it's hilarious watching Farill Luchin text his moirail about the cute conversation he just had with his new flushcrush and the pair of them thread every misunderstanding needle imaginable, but when Farill looks back over at the radio and the pale hum turns to a fluttering chirp, you feel it.  When Nowyne Ofrell's face drops at the sight of his upcoming mission on the starmap, you feel it.  When Achime Hefann decides the best way to deal with this quadrant clusterfuck is to fuck it even further, you feel it.

You get so invested that you hardly even realise you're not making fun of the movie the way you normally would.  Neither of you have said a word throughout the whole film, other than when Karkat tried the popcorn for the first time (not as good as grubcorn, apparently.)  You had kind of had plans of pulling some real cheesy moves out of your ass, maybe even busting out the classic yawn and stretch, but the movie managed to completely draw you in in a way human cinema has been failing to for a long time.

You're so engrossed that you don't realise what's happening on the sofa next to you at first.  It starts low and builds up as the movie reaches its emotional climax - Karkat is making that chirpy little cicada noise again and it's clear that he's trying to suppress it, but that attempt is failing fucking miserably.  It finally reaches a point that distracts you enough to glance over, and Karkat is crying, holy shit.

Okay, at first you have to remind yourself that he's not bleeding from the eyes, his tears are still just like that, and apparently a couple of days wasn't long enough to get over your initial surprise.  But nope, he's crying big soppy tears as Farill and Nowyne are finally realising what's happened and being crushed by the knowledge that they now have to decide which quadrant to stay in.  It's an emotional scene, but seeing how hard it's hitting him it's obvious that you haven't quite picked up on all of the context.  

You don't really realise you're staring until he looks at you, glaring through the tears.  "Don't you fucking dare, Strider..."  He hisses with an unfairly sexy throat click, and you shake your head quickly.  

"Wasn't gonna."  You say softly, not wanting to talk over the very upsetting scene you're now missing entirely, with your gaze locked on him.  "This shit's sad as hell, man.  I get it."

He huffs and nods, defensively wiping his tears as he turns back to the movie, shoulders hunched in on himself now.  You're not sure exactly whether you did something wrong or not but you refocus too, locking back in on Nowyne's heartwrenching farewell scene, and by the end... yeah, maybe your face is a little wet behind the shades too.  Maybe.

"Holy fuck..."  Karkat breathes with an accompanying buzz as the credits roll.  "That was..."

"Yeah, I can't even make up some horseshit about all the ways it sucked, because dude.  I get what you mean about trolls having had way longer to master cinema now."  You scrub your face with your hands, getting rid of the traces of tears in what you hope is a manly and subtle way.  You've probably failed horribly.

"Ha!"  Karkat smirks, but it's undercut by the smears of red he's doing his best to get rid of.  "I fucking told you.  I was right."

You can't quite resist prodding this bear.  "Yeah man, I've been taking hella mental notes.  Gonna treat this as a "what not to do" example for the next SBaHJ movie.  Next one's gonna be inspired by all the troll movies we've been watching.  Gonna call it "The "."  You do your best to mimic what you're pretty sure is "movie" in Alternian, and the horrified look on Karkat's face tells you that you've butchered it to perfection.  

"Strider, I will pay you to never say that a-fucking-gain."  He sounds like he's fighting not to physically attack you, and your grin widens.  Yep, you're taking Alternian lessons.  If only to horrify him with your mispronunciations.  "Were you trying to say ""?"

It sounds much sexier in his voice, ugh.  "Damn, guess you'd better teach me so I don't make an ass of myself on the big screen."  You smirk, and he snorts. 

"Strider, your entire fucking career is making an ass of yourself on the big screen."  As he speaks it dawns on you how close he's gotten, close enough that you can still see the watery crimson remnants of tears clinging to his lashes, and you're glad that your shades block him from seeing when your eyes flick down to his lips, which... fuck it.

"I kinda wanna kiss you now."  You feel electric as you whisper it, and at the same time you see something hitch in his face.  You don't know what exactly, but there's some kind of internal conflict happening right now that you're not privy to.  He almost looks afraid for a moment, but then he gives the tiniest nod and you're too eager to finally kiss him to pause and examine whatever inner journey he just went on.

Karkat has a lot of teeth, and for half a second you flash back to naïve childhood daydreams about what it would be like to kiss John.  It kind of feels like you had imagined that would, albeit much pointier.  The one of his lips you can feel is surprisingly soft, and smoother than humans you've kissed before.  But then he hesitantly opens his mouth and his tongue comes out to meet yours, and you find yourself on much more familiar territory.  It's a slow kiss - gently probing as you get to know each other in this new way, and it all comes just as easily as talking does.

And just like when he talks, Karkat is sharp as fuck when he kisses.  "Shit-" you grunt as you pull back, touching your lip where one of his fangs nicked it and frowning as your finger comes back with a small smear of red. 

"Sorry, sorry, fuck, sorry..." You look up and realise something is wrong with Karkat.  His eyes are locked on your blood in horror, and his entire body has seized up in a way you know all too well - it's exactly how you react when someone reminds you of Bro.

"Shit."  You wince, quickly wiping the blood away on your sleeve, glad you went with a red hoodie today.  "Sorry, it's fine, not a big deal.  It's just a scratch."  You're not sure what's set him off exactly, but triggering a panic attack is the last fucking thing you want to do on this date.

"Here."  You move slowly, telegraphing what you're about to do in a way that all your combat training screams against as you gently stroke his cheek the way you've seen in so many troll movies.  "You're in my apartment, in my living room."  You keep your tone soft and grounding, the way Rose always does when you get like this, and Karkat begins to lean slowly into your touch.  "You're safe, nobody's pissed at you.  Nothing's coming, there's no threat, we're just sitting on the couch together, havin' a movie morning."  He's buzzing now and you shift to stroking his hair as he leans in to your shoulder, the way he did after the fight with Kanaya.  You hum to match his buzz, and stay calm and settled as the tension melts out of him.

"Sorry..."  Karkat croaks after a while, voice muffled by your shoulder.  "It's- your blood is so red.  I-"  He chokes and falls silent, and you give what you hope is a reassuring hum.  

"Yeah, must be weird seeing something off your hemospectrum I guess?"  You hadn't really thought of that, but... you guess it makes some kind of sense.  You have no idea what he got up to during the war - you don't really want to think about it - but if... if he's got some kinda hangups about human blood... that would... kind of track?  Shit.

"I- yeah..."  He mumbles, giving a heavy shiver.  His buzzing sound stutters, and he lets out a wet sigh.  "It's... fuck, it's not like it matters here!  At all!  It couldn't matter less!"  He sits up and wipes his eyes, and you dutifully withdraw your hand from his hair, leaving it resting along the back of the couch behind him.  "Fuck it!  Fuck it!  You're the first person I've ever met who genuinely has no fucking reason to give a shit!  I can tell you, and it won't mean a god damn thing!"

You... definitely weren't expecting this kind of reaction, and part of you kind of wants to flee.  He's going through something.... pretty intense, and you don't really know what part you play in it.  But he's looking at you with a strange, unreadable expression that turns into a hiccuped laugh.

"I'm a freak."  He says, his grin unnerving in a way you've never found it before despite all the fangs.  "I'm a mutant, I'm not on the fucking hemospectrum.  I'm- look.  Look at my eyes properly."  He moves in closer and you feel your heart in your throat for a second, but up this close... yeah, you see it.  There's enough gray threaded in there for him to pass for maroon from a distance, but up close you can see that the red patches in his eyes are bright, burning red.  Just like yours.  You've never seen eyes like yours before.

The shock must be showing on your face, because he gives a small, bitter laugh.  "Yeah."  He says, with years of weight behind it.  "I'm beyond fucking lucky that I wasn't culled right off the cuebat as a wriggler.  I definitely wouldn't have made it to adulthood if Feferi hadn't pulled off her fucking coup.  I spent basically my whole youth hiding in my hive so there wouldn't be any chance of anyone seeing something and calling the drones.  If I'd even gotten a scratch in public I'd be fucking dead."

"Fuuuck..."  You breathe out shakily, running a hand through your hair.  "I- shit, that's the worst.  Your planet fucking sucks, dude.  I can totally get the sight of human blood freaking you out."

Karkat nods, but there's something light about him now.  He's not alone, here on Earth.  It's enough to tip you over an edge you haven't crossed in a long time.  "It, uh... it wouldn't get me killed or anything, but... I'm kinda the same kind of freak too."  Your hand trembles slightly as it reaches up to the arm of your shades, and you steel yourself thoroughly before sliding them off.  You'd feel less naked taking your damn pants off and helicoptering your dick in his face, but instead you force yourself to look up and meet his eyes.

"Holy shit..."  Karkat breathes, and you let out a shaky laugh.  "I... take it that's not normal for humans either."

You laugh and shake your head.  "Nah, dude.  Pretty much the weirdest colour it's possible to have."  The sight of his expression with nothing between you is a little overwhelming, and before you're really thinking about it you slide your shades back on.  "Makes me light sensitive as hell too, I almost never take these off."

He nods, face dropping slightly in a way that makes you really want to take your shades off again.  But you can't.  It's too much right now.  The last people you showed them to were Dirk and Roxy, when you and Rose met them for the first time.  "But... hey.  We're twins."

Karkat gives a strangely shy smile at that, and you don't realise how close his hand is until he's lacing his fingers with yours.  "I would pretend not to know what twins are just to be an asshole, but I can't even pretend to feel like it right now."

You give a small snort of laughter.  "It's literally the first word in your hacker friend's username dude.  Whatever twins are on Alternia, I already know it's similar enough to here that you get me.  Asshole."  You add, just to make him smile.  His face is so warm, and you really want to kiss him again.  He's settled down, and things were going very well up until the incident.  You're not bleeding anymore, surely you could pick up where you left off.

You almost make a move, before pulling back your own mental reins at the last second.  Woah there, you're fucking doing it again.  Acting like a moirail one minute and wanting to make out the next. It just feels natural to you, following your instincts, but you're fucking him around and you need to stop doing this.

You're wracking your brains for a natural off-ramp from the feelings jam when something in his expression shifts and he reaches out and grabs you, free hand curling tight in your shirt to pull you into another kiss.  It's not like before - this time he kisses you hungrily and he's gripping the front of your shirt to pull you closer and closer, and you want him.  Fuck.

You're more careful this time, figuring out the best angles to avoid another encounter with his fangs, and once you've figured it out you're pretty sure you could do this for the rest of your life.  He's just a little bit warmer than you, and it keeps drawing you in.  You shove the empty popcorn bowl onto the floor and break the kiss just long enough to crawl into his lap, straddling his (deliciously broad, holy fuck) thighs and taking a moment to study his face.  He looks just as eager as you feel, and you lean down to devour him again.

The pale buzz is all gone and there's a low chirr building in Karkat's chest now, and you can't resist the urge anymore.  You've wanted to feel all his noises for days now, and he flinches in shock for a moment when your hands start to slide up his shirt but he doesn't stop you, chirping needily and gasping into your mouth instead.  His chest is smoother than you expected, and you knew not to go looking for nipples but it's still somehow a surprise when you don't find them.  The way his chest vibrates with each chirp is a welcome distraction though, and the hum vibrating through your mouth makes it pretty clear he's into the touch.

His hands start sliding up your shirt hesitantly, and you can tell he's being so gentle with his claws, clearly paranoid now.  With good reason probably, but you're so keyed up it's hard to care.  You break the kiss again, breathing heavily, and he can probably feel your heart thudding as you whisper against his mouth, "We should go back to my r-"

"DAVEEEEY, WE'RE HOME!"  Fuck.  You fucking forgot to tell Roxy and Dirk you had plans tonight.  Which... it's not like you could really kick them out for another night anyway, they're your fucking guests, but it would've been basic courtesy.  You definitely wouldn't have kept the makeout sesh in the living room as long as you have if you had remembered they were coming home.

You and Karkat scramble to detangle, and by the time Roxy makes it to the living room you're sitting next to one another, but the rumpled hair and clothing, the way you're both out of breath, and the slight swelling on your lip all... have to be telling a pretty clear story.

"Oh em gee, Karkat!"  You've never been able to read either of your oldest siblings as well as you can read Rose, but the unadulterated glee on Roxy's face speaks volumes.  "Dave totes didn't tell us you were coming, it's so nice to meet you!"

Dirk replaces Roxy in the doorway as they amble over to the couch, (flagrantly disregarding the fact that you were pretty obviously in the fucking middle of something, Roxy,) and flop down to sit next to Karkat, beaming as they start unpinning their hair.  "I'm Roxy and that's Dirk, we're Dave and Rose's older siblings.  We've seen your blog so we've like, kinda met online, but it's different in person yanno?"  Roxy shakes their head as their hair falls out of the more masculine style they had pinned it up in, and slips their shades off with a contented sigh.

"Nice to meet you."  Dirk nods, electing to stay in the doorway but lean on the doorframe and fold his arms.  "I had a lot of thoughts about your breakdown of The Movovie.  Really interesting stuff."

Karkat's mortification cracks at that and he clicks in frustration, visibly startling both of your siblings you note with satisfaction.  "Oh my god, you're that guy who's been writing the fucking thousand word essays of overwrought nonsense, aren't you?  I thought that was just some crazed fan, not Strider's fucking human brother."

Dirk's lip twitches slightly, and you doubt anyone outside your family would recognise it as a smile, but you're pretty sure Karkat just won Dirk's approval with that outburst.  "Yup."  He says flatly, with a loud pop on the P.  "I appreciated the creative dissection of what my findings told you about my character and sexual deviances without offering any actual responses whatsoever to the content of my posts."

"I don't see why you need my fucking approval."  Karkat snaps, and you're... weirdly kind of giddy that he isn't trying to impress your family somehow.  You'd much rather carry on mackin', but... this is nice, in its own way.  He's not trying to be someone else to win them over.  "You can come up with as many bullshit wrong theories as you like and run them by the actual person who actually wrote the fucking movie, you don't need to spam my fucking mentions with them."

"I'm interested in your opinions."  Dirk's shrug probably comes across to Karkat as dismissive, but you know just how interested he is.  Nothing Dirk hates more than someone understanding something he completely missed.  "Plus this shitheel won't tell me anything."

"Wouldn't be any fun if I just spelled it all out, dude."  You roll your eyes, and he gives a small snort of agreement.  "Anyway, as fun as this big ol' meet the family has been, we were actually in the middle of shit here."  You say pointedly, and Roxy's laugh is uncomfortably knowing.

"Awwwww, but I wanna get to know my lil' brother's boooooyfriend..."  They tease as they get up, and you feel Karkat cringe next to you.  Most people are fine with Roxy and intimidated by Dirk, and there's something amusing about him reacting so thoroughly in the opposite.  Roxy doesn't seem fussed though, reaching down to muss your hair as they pass on the way back to the door.  "Well, have fun then kiddos!  If you have any cute half-alien babbies you gotta name one of 'em after me!" 

Dirk comes to the rescue as both you and Karkat visibly recoil, yanking Roxy out of the living room, and you can hear the two of them bursting into conversation too quiet to make out the second they're out of sight on the way to their rooms.  You can already tell they're both going to be insufferable later.

"Well, that was... a pretty effective mood killer."  You say apologetically, leaning back against the back of the couch and running a hand through your hair.  "Sorry.  I completely fucking forgot to tell them I had plans."

"It's fine..."  Karkat looks about as uncomfortable as you feel, bending to pick up the empty popcorn bowl from where it was lying abandoned on the floor.  "That, uh... that... happened fast..."

You wince, heart dropping immediately.  "Shit, sorry, I wasn't- I don't wanna do anything you're not cool with, I thought... I thought you seemed into it, but if you weren't-"

He cuts you off, thank fuck.  "No, no, I was."  He says quickly, and muscles you hadn't realised were tense unclench.  "I was... really fucking into it, actually."  He admits, and... okay, no need to get big-headed about that one.  "I just... rrgh..."  He grumbles and looks away, fidgeting uncomfortably with the popcorn bowl.  "It's stupid.  We've got... there's a time limit on this shit, there's not time for me to freak out about... about my personal crap.  I just- it's... fast, and I... I just need to think some stuff over."

You nod quickly, hesitating a moment before you touch his cheek gently, turning his head to you.  "Dude, look at me."  You say gently.  "If it's too fast, it's too fast.  There's... a time limit on this shit, yeah, but that doesn't mean there's some... finish line to be aiming for."  You suck in a shaky breath, preparing to go for broke.  "I'm like... actually way into you, like, way more than I thought I would be, like, damn.  So, uh, whatever you want, or don't want... that's cool.  I'll follow your lead."

As usual Karkat wears his feelings loud on his face, but you can't for the life of you discern this one.  His subvocalisations aren't much help either - he's making some kind of combination buzz-chirp thing you definitely can't parse, and you just kind of... hope you haven't fucked this all up.

Which- thank fuck.  Instead of answering with words he leans in, pressing a lip and a half and a whole lot of teeth to your mouth, just for a second.  You're grinning like an idiot when he pulls back, and he looks a fuckload more readable now.  Smitten. Hell yeah.

"You're... a lot more tolerable than I expected too."  He admits, and your face kind of hurts from smiling.  "I... do want to continue this."  His face shifts at that and you've lost him again.  Damn it.  "I just- I've got some... personal shit to figure out.  But... but we'll do this again, okay?  Tomorrow night?"

"Cool."  You grin, and nothing has ever been quite so cool.  "Very cool.  Your turn to pick the movie though."

He laughs and chirps, cheeks still slightly darker than usual as he gets up.  "And you don't forget to tell your human siblings not to fucking interrupt."

-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: hows the big gay homodate going
TG: hope youre not too busy learning bout the birds and the tentacles to see this
TG: unfortunately im not
TG: by which i mean karkat is on his way back to the hotel
TG: so if youre busy gettin familiar with kanayas ovipositor you might wanna relocate to the boudoir
TG: he said she didnt tell him to stay out so hopefully youre already being modest and civilised
TG: by which i mean not gettin hot and heavy on the couch
TG: which we were btw up top
TG: cept i forgot to tell the fuckin terrible two i had a date
TG: and roxy spooked the hell outta karkat so hes goin home now
TG: bringing me back to my original point
TG: which was get her stamen outta your cloaca unless youre in her room
TG: if you see this in time
TG: which if you didnt
TG: lol

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you're still reeling at your memories from last night.

You had kind of expected it but somehow it's still a surprise when you emerge from your respiteblock to see Rose Lalonde in the common area - swathed in one of Kanaya's robes, clutching a mug of something that smells horrendously burned, and looking immensely smug.

"Good morning Karkat."  She says smoothly, and how the fuck are you the one feeling like you shouldn't be here, in the middle of your own fucking hive-away-from-hive?!  "I have to admit I was a little surprised when Dave messaged to inform me that you were coming back last night.  I hope we didn't disturb you."

You feel your nose wrinkle at her insinuations, and shake your head firmly.  "Nope!  Nope, don't want to hear about it!"  You throw your hands up as you cross to the small miniature nutrition block in the corner and start looking for the human grubloaf for breakfast.  "I never want to think those things about my moi- fuck.  My friend."  Your tirade is cut short in its tracks and you grumble and click to yourself, jamming a couple of slices of grubloaf into the convenient nutrition slots of the self-contained grubloaf heating device.

Rose apparently possesses a level of tact you've never experienced from her brother as she doesn't comment on the stumble, simply sipping her burned morning sludge instead.  "A lady never kisses and tells."  The smugness in her smile is a perfect mirror image of Dave's.

"We both know people only ever say that so they can get away with telling without telling."  You snap as your grubloaf pops up with a loud noise, and you set about slathering it with whatever human preserves you find in the thermal hull.  "Well, congratulations, I fucking guess."

She hums into her mug in assent, but doesn't follow up.  Instead, she changes the subject to one you'd really rather not get into with her.  "How was your evening?"

"It was fine."  You growl, taking an unnecessarily aggressive bite of your breakfast.  "We watched a movie, he fucking somehow managed to pluck a good one from who knows what corner of the internet, then we were interrupted by your other human siblings - which, by the way, how fucking many of you ARE there?"  You definitely aren't going to tell Rose what her siblings interrupted, and you're hopeful that she's not familiar enough with subvocalisations to understand just how embarrassed the chirp that came out with your words was.

"Just the four."  She follows your change of topic happily, but there's something in her gaze that you just don't like.  It feels like she's staring through your fucking nugbone, pulling the layers of your pan apart to read what's written between the lines.  She's so exactly Kanaya's type that it's almost embarrassing, now you think about it.  "Dave and I are twins - we were born together, and Roxy and Dirk are too, they were born together three years before we were.  It's quite uncommon, most humans are born individually."

"I know that much."  You grumble around a mouthful of human grubloaf.  "We have twins too."

Her eyebrows raise in clear curiosity, but before she can ask whatever she's going to, Kanaya makes her way into the common block, somehow already looking immaculate first thing in the ev- morning.

"Oh, hello Karkat."  She flushes, eyes flicking between the two of you.  "I... wasn't expecting to see you up this early.  How... ah... how was your evening?"

"I think I'll go get dressed."  Rose sets her mug on the nutritionplank and heads towards Kanaya's block, still wearing that frustratingly smug smile.  As she passes Kanaya she tries to reach up and kiss her on the cheek and you snort with laughter when she realises just how significant their height difference is, Lalonde having to pull Kanaya down by the shoulder to reach in the end.  Kanaya is green with embarrassment now and she fails to meet your eye as she comes over to make her own breakfast.

"Not nearly as fun as yours, apparently."  You grumble in answer to her earlier question, leaning on the wall and watching her quietly.  For all the embarrassment, she looks happier than you've seen her in a long time.  She's glowing with it - literally - and something in your stomach twists into an uncomfortable knot.  "Congratulations on being the first to go where no troll has gone before."

She flushes deep green and her spine snaps straight, giving you a firm look of disapproval from her higher vantage point.  "I wasn't... thinking about it in those terms."  She sounds genuinely uncomfortable with the realisation, folding her arms gently.  "It... it was a lovely evening, though.  I... must admit, I really am quite taken with Rose."

She sounds so wistful, and you know exactly why.  You haven't seen Kanaya this invested in a matesprit since that doomed mess with Vriska all those sweeps ago, and there's a big ticking clock overhead with no way around it.  Things are going well, she's happy, and it can only last a few more days.

"Well... congratulations."  It's harder than it should be to sound happy for her, and your thoughts slip back to your own evening with Dave.  "My date went well too, actually."  You've said the word before you realise it, and her eyebrows shoot up.  

"So it was a date?  I had rather gotten the impression that you were viewing it as merely an extension of your prior online cinema-based communications.  Rose said Dave was hopeful that it would turn into a date, but..."  She shrugs, taking her grubloaf from the self-contained heating device once it pops and sorting through the preserves you haven't bothered putting away yet.  "... I know how seriously you take these things.  I didn't think Strider's inability to express sincerity would work for you."

You shrug uncomfortably, not quite able to look at her as you think back.  "I don't think either of us were sure if it was a date or not going in, but... it definitely was."  You feel a small smile tug another pair of fangs visible.  "He even picked a good movie to watch, that's how hard he was trying.  I... almost didn't come back last night."  You admit, definitely not looking at her now.  "We were interrupted by the other two Striders, apparently Dave forgot to tell them he had plans."

You can't bring yourself to quite look at Kanaya, feeling shy with the admission.  "Oh!" She sounds as surprised as you are, and she knows enough about your past to see right through your feigned nonchalance.  "That's- well.  I had gathered that you were rather taken with him, whether you were willing to accept it or not, but I didn't think…"

"I know."  You hiss, dropping your voice in case Lalonde is listening.  "It was a really fucking good date, and... ugh, I just... I felt comfortable."  You've never felt comfortable around a potential concupiscent partner before.  "It was going well, and... I mean, it's not like we're gonna get this opportunity again."  You shrug and fold your arms, eyes locked and bolted to the floor.  Definitely not making eye contact.

"Well, I'm happy for you."  Kanaya's tone is gentle - gentler than part of you wants it to be, and that's a feeling not to examine - and her hand comes out, soothing strokes tracing over your hair.  "You deserve to feel safe around someone.  Even... even if we have to be realistic about what this visit is, you deserve to have that."

"Yeah."  You mumble and lean into her hand, eyes closing against the prickle of tears you refuse to acknowledge.

Rose's presence wasn't on the agenda Eridan gave you for today, but given the way she and Kanaya seem to have adhered to one another it's hardly a surprise that it winds up being a party of three being shuttled by your guards out of the hotel and into the wheeled scuttlebuggy ("As fascinating as it is to learn alien terminology, I believe this contraption to be distinct enough from Alternian transportation that you might consider using our term instead?"  "What, "car"?  Like I'm some highblood snob?  Fuck that."  "While I don't share Karkat's disdain for highblood slang, I do think it would cause some confusion to refer to our method of transportation with the same term as a certain seadweller who shall not be named chooses to refer to Karkat.") on the way to your day's task.

And a fucking task it is going to be.  Dave apparently already had this event booked, a livestreamed question and answer session with a group of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff superfans, and someone somewhere in the chain between Eridan and Dave's "people", one of the morons in charge of making your schedule decided it would be a good use of the time to turn it into a two person q&a.  Like the terrible TV interview but with even more humans pinning you down with questions, and these ones haven't been vetted by Eridan.  Fuck.

The upside is that after this you have plans.  You have a date.  Of course Dave is still the only one actually calling it that, but you're pretty sure he genuinely means it, and you're not inclined to argue with him.

TG: im at the venue already it sucks so sorry bout that
TG: we should come up with a code word if all the fangirl/fanboy/fanthey behavior starts freaking you out so we can take a break
TG: it can get real stressful but im used to it you know
TG: doesnt mean you should be subjected to the fucking barrage
CG: DAVE I HAVE SPENT LITERALLY EVERY SECOND ON THIS FUCKING PLANET BEING SUBJECTED TO BARRAGES OF VARIOUS THINGS.  BETWEEN THE INSUFFERABLE SWARM OF PHOTOGRAPHERS AT THE RED CARPET AND THE INSUFFERABLE FLOOD OF BULLSHIT YOU PUKE AT ME DAILY, I THINK I'M WELL PREPARED FOR A SMALL GROUP OF INSUFFERABLE SHOUTY HUMANS.
TG: see thats what i like about you
TG: always looking on the bright side
TG: no but for real if things get too intense we can take breaks and shit
TG: i promise its cool
TG: and after this we can fuckin jet 
TG: your exclusive guided tour of hollywood awaits
TG: gonna hit up all the movie nerd highlights
TG: well you already did the academy museum without me
TG: so rude
TG: but we can still do the hollywood museum
TG: hit up madame tussauds
TG: i can get you into the actual lot at paramount fuck the official tour bullshit
TG: let you dork out to your hearts content
CG: DESCRIBING MY RESPONSE TO YOUR PLANS AS "DORKING OUT" REALLY DOESN'T DO MUCH FOR THE ROMANTIC ATMOSPHERE OF THIS """"DATE"""" YOU'RE PLANNING.
TG: nah youre lucky i find dorks sexy as hell
TG: dont tell the johndave shippers theyll never shut up
TG: but youll be losin your shit enchanted by the majesty of creepy wax ryan gosling imagining youre rachel mcadams in the notebook
TG: whispering under your breath
TG: cant believe we both turned into birds
TG: or whatever happened in that movie
TG: and ill be so overwhelmed with passion
TG: ill have to sweep you off your feet then and there in the middle of the museum
TG: move over buzzfeed list of top ten best cinematic kisses i got a new number one for ya
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO ENGAGE WITH YOUR HEINOUS MISCHARACTERISATION OF ONE OF THE MOST ROMANTIC HUMAN MOVIES OF ALL FUCKING TIME
CG: THE FACT THAT YOU MANAGE TO WORK IN THIS INDUSTRY DESPITE KNOWING PRECISELY SHIT ABOUT FUCK WHEN IT COMES TO CINEMA IS AN OFFENSE TO EVERY LIVING BEING WITH ANY SENSE OF TASTE WHATSOEVER.
CG: THERE'S NO POINT EVEN TRYING TO ARGUE YOU AROUND INTO HAVING A CORRECT OPINION ON THE ONLY CULTURAL WORKS OF MERIT YOUR ENTIRE PLANET HAS PRODUCED.
CG: SO INSTEAD WHAT I'LL SAY IS;
CG: BOLD TO ASSUME YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'LL BE DOING THE SWEEPING.
TG: holy shit
TG: get here faster pls

You can't get there any faster, but you do get there fairly quickly.  It's a surprisingly casual venue - after the glamour of the premiere and the pomp of Eridan's stupid ceremony, you had been picturing some kind of big elaborate theatre for this whole shebang.  But no, it's a fairly nondescript little music store, evidently closed up for the day to host Dave and ten of his most devoted fans.  Which, thinking about it, is... not a class of person you really feel like getting to know any better.

But you're here, and this is happening - the motto of the last five days of your life.  Security hustles the three of you out of the wheeled scuttlebuggy and into the back of the shop where Dave is waiting, greeting you with the kind of goofy grin that you hadn't really thought he was capable of before meeting him, but every time you see it you find yourself wanting more.  

"'Bout time you got here, been getting all kindsa antsy up in this bitch."  He pushes off from the wall he was leaning against and pockets his palmhusk quickly, crossing to greet you all.

"Oh dear - have the fans been waiting long?  We did try to make it here in a timely fashion, but you know what LA traffic is like.  Almost makes me nostalgic for New York." 

"Wasn't talkin' 'bout the fans."  Dave brushes Rose off and turns the full force of his grin on to you.  Holy shit.  "Been all lonesome without my hunky alien beau."

You open and close your mouth, but none of the usual torrent of swear words come out.  You can't even bring yourself to tirade against him speaking so brazenly in front of the others, because it's really starting to sink in that for all he likes to bullshit, Dave means it.  It hits you like a freight train.  This is real.  It's real, and he wants you, and he's pulling out the kind of romantic shit you've spent a lifetime daydreaming about.  For you.

It's an embarrassingly overwhelming feeling to be hit by in response to such a lame pick-up line, but by the time you pull yourself together you're pretty sure it's obvious to everyone in a five block radius that that shit fucking worked on you.  Dave definitely knows it, and decides to push his luck by leaning in and giving you a quick kiss on the fucking nose.

"Damn, finally speechless.  Can't believe it's even possible.  You haven't even called me a nookchugger or bulgefarter yet and it's been what, like three entire minutes?"  His tone is the same as usual, but the grin is far more fond than shit-eating, and your pusher is doing the kind of acrobatics that would put the previous Empire's top laughsassins to shame.

"What a charmer you are, dear brother."  Rose comes to the rescue, fixing Dave with that same smugly knowing look she had turned on you this morning.  "It's no wonder you see such frequent success in your romantic endeavours."

Rose has bought you enough time barely to scrape yourself back together and glare daggers at Dave, though even you can tell you're completely failing to conceal whatever emotional thing just happened deep in your thorax.  

"If I seemed speechless it's because I was momentarily frozen in horror by the presumptuousness you bring to every fucking conversation."  You snap, but you don't believe yourself for a second and you can tell that neither does anyone else.  "Whatever you may or may not think about- about us, it's obscenely fucking inappropriate to go traipsing it around in front of the entire fucking world!  Don't you have any fucking shame?!"  

The 'entire fucking world', as it happens, currently consists of Kanaya, Rose, and your four shockingly impassive human security guards who have been doing a frankly fucking incredible job of making themselves essentially wallpaper this entire trip.  You figure in order to be guarding visitors from another planet they must be the best of the best, and part of that is hopefully discretion.

"I do believe that's the first time anyone has ever mentioned my brother and shame in the same sentence."  Rose smirks and Dave groans, putting on a terrible mockery of offense.

"My own sister, impugning my honour?  I'm shocked.  I'll have you know I'm a man of decorum and class, thank you very much."  He even manages to sound like Rose, to a degree that's impressive, and you can't hold back a laugh.

You regret even trying to hold back when he turns to you with a smile like he's just seen the green moon rise for the first time.

It's a punch to the gut.  Fuck.  You like him so much.  He likes you, and you like him.  You've left the safety of just seeing where this thing is going.  It's arrived at its destination, and that destination is the biggest god damn crush of your fucking life.  This infuriating, caring, befuddling alien has grabbed you by the fucking affection glands and is clinging on for dear life.

And in three days time, you'll be back on the other side of the universe.

Fuck.

Before Dave and Rose can get entrenched in the kind of snippy bullshit they seem to delight in trading, a human with a clipboard pops their head in nervously from the other side of the block, eyes blasting wide at the sight of you and Kanaya.  You're getting pretty sick of being gawked at.

"We-we're ready for you..."  Stammers the clipboard human, and quickly retreats the second Dave gives a nod and a small salute to indicate that he's heard.

Dave laces his fingers and stretches them over his head, neck cracking uncomfortably as he torques it side to side.  "Alright, let's get this fuckin' show on the road.  Sooner this is done, the sooner I can get my hot alien date on."  He grins and strides (sigh) away before you can even begin thinking of a response.  You have never in your life been this far off your game.

With him walking ahead of you, you're able to watch with a strange fascination as turntechGodhead AKA Dave disappears and SBaHJ Director Dave Strider appears, the aloof douchebag you know all too well from the interviews you'll never admit to bingeing before you came here.  His shoulders slouch in a way that's put on enough to lose all sense of actually being his casual stance.  His head takes on an obnoxious lazy tilt to the side.  His grin disappears, folding into something smug and withholding.  Your stomach lurches as in the space of a few seconds you go from really liking to really hating this guy.  

Not again.

You bite down the sudden rush of self-loathing at the bitter reminder of The Terezi Disaster and follow Dave into whatever particular version of torture a "Fan Q&A" entails.

The block is home to a small crowd of nervous humans, all of whom react to your presence with shocked gasps and wide eyes.  It's exactly what you're used to from humans, and it takes a moment to really realise that it's not you they're reacting to.  Their eyes are (for the most part) locked directly on to Dave, and you're rocked by the realisation that to these humans, meeting their idol is more of an event than meeting a fucking alien.

Which is... sort of refreshing, actually.

Or would be, if their idol wasn't Dave Strider, World's Most Famous Trashmonger.

The fans are hustled into a group for photos and you start to shuffle to the side, figuring they want pictures with Dave, but a hand catches your arm before you can get far and yanks you into frame.  Fuck.  

Through all the jostling you wind up in the middle of the cluster next to Dave, and it's hard to be too mad about the situation when you see his real grin crack through the facade again.  It gets easier to be mad a second later though, when he winds an arm around your waist and rests his fucking head on your shoulder like you're seven sweeps old announcing your first matespritship on TrollBook.

You would be madder, but his arm is surprisingly strong around your waist, and it's really nice just how perfectly his chin fits over your shoulder. His hair is soft against your cheek, and he smells like human soaps and that same burnt drink Rose was consuming in the morning. If there weren't people around, you would be turning to kiss the top of his head without a moment's thought, and that instinct scares and thrills you in equal measures.

But there are people around - a whole fucking crowd of them, trying to cram as close to the two of you as possible, and it reminds you that however much sincerity is hiding behind the facade, this touch is all part of the show. It's not for you - not entirely. Dave's putting on his persona of being an absolute shitheel and flirting in ways he knows will get a "funny" reaction from you. He might genuinely want to cuddle up on you like this, (which - what the fuck, you can't think of a single person who's actually fucking wanted that before) but he's hyper aware of the people around you and the camera lenses flashing. This is more for them than it is for you.

So, you don't kiss the top of his head. You stand stiffly as you're surrounded by humans on all sides, and do your best not to bare too many teeth when you try to smile. (Where the fuck is Kanaya, anyway? If they wanted a photogenic alien, she's right fucking here!)

The photo session is thankfully over much faster than the other ones you've been subjected to in recent days, but even as the humans begin to shuffle into a queue and you regain your personal space, Dave doesn't pull away entirely.  He releases your waist and lifts his head away from you, but his hand slides up your back to give... what you think he thinks is a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.  You're fairly sure that's what he thinks he's doing, but it's so fucking pale that any reassurance you might have gotten tumbles clean off-deck as he yanks on the controls of the H.C.S Davekat and sends you careening from one quadrant to another faster than you can keep up.

Dave only drops his hand when the first human begins talking to him, and for once in your life you're relieved to hear someone actually praising the drivel Dave has built a career shitting out.  You try to tune them out and collect yourself, but it only takes a few sentences before your self-restraint fails and you can't help but cut in.  

"Oh, come the fuck on!"  The human takes a small step back, but you're too frustrated to care, glaring at Dave.  "The sequence with all the fucking strobes was not some kind of act of "cinematic genius"!"  The enclosure talons are out in full force.  "It was a visual fucking nightmare!  You figured out a way to package and sell migraines, and people just lap it up!  If this was old Alternia I would think you had found a new and creative way of fucking mass-culling epileptics!"  You pause, taking in Dave's far too wide grin as you consider the context of the five minute strobing mess that had had your pan screaming for hours afterwards.  Yeah, that was... definitely the metaphor, actually.  Fuck.

"You know me so well, babe."  Dave sounds like he's mocking you, but somewhere in the last few days you've managed to pick up the knack of hearing when he actually means what he's saying.  Which really just drives home his point.  

You're so busy being frustrated with Dave that you manage to forget your fucking audience for a second.  It's the delighted laugh from the human that pulls you back into the moment and you wince, looking back around guiltily.  To your surprise they don't look pissed or offended by your tirade at all, the entire queue instead staring at you with... something like awe.  You've never been this uncomfortable in your entire fucking miserable life.

The rest of the meet and greet is a bit of a blur after that - sure they're here to see Dave, but every single one of the humans seems intent on at least saying hi to you as well, for reasons you still can't really understand.  Their creative fucking hero is right there, and they're turning away from him to shake hands (so much touching) with some asshole who likes to shout at him on the internet.  You do your best to smile and nod and make small talk, but somehow the tiny group of ten still feels like it takes a thousand fucking sweeps to get through.  A few of them seem like they're trying to prod you into having another outburst, but you do your best to keep your stupid fucking mouth shut and keep this whole thing civil.

And then you're done and the humans have been led to their seats and you've been led to yours and mic'd up, and you realise this means the torture of the Q&A portion of this while thing is about to begin.  A staff member behind the small audience fiddles with a camera for a long moment, before giving you a thumbs up.

"Aight, we live?  Cool."  Dave nods, the small, easy Strider smile as smooth as butter.  "Right, thanks everyone for tunin' in.  I'm Dave Strider, creator of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, and I'm joined by Alternia's sexiest media critic, Karkat Vantas."  He talks right over your squawk of indignation, but the smile is just a little bit more genuine now.  "We're here with ten of my biggest fans to shoot the shit for the next couple of hours.  We'll be answering questions about SBaHJ,-" (you hate the way he pronounces it like sub-hadge) "-media analysis, and hot, sloppy interspecies makeouts." (He ignores your "NO WE FUCKING WON'T!")  "If you're joining us by livestream, glad to have you.  Dirk and Rox are modding the chat, so don't even think of trying any bullshit.  Let's kick this shit off though, what's our first question gonna be?"

Your eyes are on the microphone being passed to one of the humans when you catch a flash of movement just off to the side, but there's no time to respond before you feel the cold press of a gun against the side of your head.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M PUTTING A FUCKING END TO THIS SECOND INVASION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!"  You've never actually heard him talk before, but from the sleeve of the arm that wraps around your neck to hold you in place you realise that this is one of your fucking security guards.  Your entire body feels numb with terror - was this planned?  Are they all in on this?  Are you really going to survive a fucking war only to be shot on holiday, without any of your fucking weapons on you?

Your own weapons might have been too obvious to bring to Earth, but there's a trickle of relief at the familiar sound of Kanaya's chainsaw revving into action from somewhere behind you.  The human with a gun to your head pays her no mind though, carrying on with his bigoted screed.  "THESE MONSTERS NEARLY DESTROYED THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET, DON'T LET THEM TRICK YOU AGAIN!  THE CONDESCE USED THE MEDIA TO BRAINWASH PEOPLE, THIS ISN'T ANY DIFFERENT!  YOU'RE BEING TRICKED INTO THINKING THESE THINGS AREN'T HERE TO-" 

The rant is cut off by a bang and a scream and the weight of the man all falls away from you at once, strong arms yanking you to safety as he crumples.  You can't really tell what happened and there isn't time to look - the block vanishes around you in a dizzying rush of air and you're back in the side block before you can even process what's happening.

It's Dave who caught you - of course it is - and it's much easier to be surprised that he's able to do that fast stepping thing while holding onto someone else than it is to process what just fucking happened.  You can still hear the muffled chaos in the next block (fans shrieking as they escape, the security guards who DIDN'T fucking betray you barking orders at each other, the roar of Kanaya's chainsaw idling in her hands) but Dave is a steadying presence, even if his hands on your arms are shaking as hard as your whole fucking body is.

"Are you- fuck, he didn't hurt you, I- shit, I've gotta start carrying a fucking sword again, I can't believe this god damn shit happened, fuck, you're okay, everyone's okay, he didn't hurt you..."  Dave's ramble is laced through with panic, and you can at least try to do something about that.

"I'm fine, he didn't hurt me."  Your voice sounds a lot calmer than you feel inside and it's enough to stem Dave's babbling along with the hand you card softly through his hair.  "Did you see what- I mean, I heard a shot, but I couldn't see…"

Dave nods, touching the side of your head like he's double checking there's no bullet hole.  It's kind of stupid, but feeling warm flesh against that spot soothes the sense-memory of cold steel more than you would have expected.  "One of the other guards got him in the leg, they were all moving on him when I grabbed you."

You let a heavy sigh escape, though your whole body is still trembling with it.  "Okay..."  You breathe, leaning in to Dave's soft hand.  He begins stroking it through your hair as he takes more of your weight, and there it is again - he's humming, he's figured out pale subvocals in a couple of fucking days and he's doing his best to soothe you, your way.  It's working in more ways than one.

You're pressed right into him when the door is shoved open with a bang accompanied by the roar of a chainsaw, and a distant part of your mind is amused at the realisation that you're probably the only person in the world comforted by that sound.  Dave certainly isn't - he springs away from you and takes a combat stance again instinctively, standing between you and Kanaya in a way that would be profoundly stupid if she were actually an attacker.

But Dave relaxes when he sees her and the roaring shudders to silence as she pockets her lipstick, rushing to your side and engulfing you in her arms.  You don't hesitate to cling to her, the two of you humming and chittering almost loudly enough to drown out the last lingering tails of chaos from the other block.  Somewhere to your left you can hear Rose and Dave having undoubtedly a similar interaction, but in your distressed state it's hard to focus on anything but Kanaya's cool embrace and the soothing buzz of her thorax against yours.

Your trembles die down in sync with the volume of the scuffle in the next block over, and when another member of the security team barges into the block you're able to spring away from Kanaya without completely succumbing again.  The guard is splattered in blood - you're vaguely aware that she's the one who took out your attacker - and looks furious.  

The whole time you've been on Earth your guards haven't said more than a couple of words to you (you're fairly sure they're under orders not to engage), but she speaks now, with an accent that reminds you deliriously of human Hugh Grant.  "To the car, now."  She barks, gun still in hand.  "We think he was acting alone, but not worth risking it."  

As the four of you scramble into the car and your single remaining guard tears away down the street, Kanaya's hand finds one of yours and Dave's finds the other's, and something deep in your pusher strains.

It's late when Eridan stumbles out of the Alternian Embassy transportaliser, late enough that even Kanaya is struggling to hold in her yawns.  You have no idea what time it is on Alternia, but Eridan is somehow managing to look even more exhausted than you feel.  He's drained in the frantic way that completely peels off all the layers of poise and posturing he's spent a lifetime developing, emerging as haggard and frightened as he was during the war.  

"Oh thank fuck..."  He breathes, shoulders sagging as he staggers towards the two of you without even a hint of his usual swagger.  You do your best not to gag at the overpowering smell of saltwater and fish masked by expensive cologne as he yanks you into a tight hug, and it reminds you of how many times you and Eridan nearly stumbled into moiraillegiance when you were young and miserable.  There's something so pathetic about him right now, and you shut those memories down hard.  Eridan is not going to become a fucking factor in the mess you're wound up in, you firmly rule with yourself.  Absolutely not.

"They told me you were alright, but I needed to sea for myseelf.  Self, fuck, puttin' an eel in there doesn't even fuckin' make sense, shoulda been shellf, fuck, Kar, I'm so fuckin' tired..."  He starts to ramble, running a hand through his hair without any care for how it shreds his perfect quiff, threads of purple hair winding throughout the black into an inconsistent tangle.  "I've been in meetin's an' calls ever since I heard, everyone on all sides is fuckin' pissed.  Fef wanted me to go check on you personally, but it's taken forever to get the go-ahead from Earth."

Something about the way Eridan is clearly spinning out helps you get yourself together - you feel almost calm in contrast.  The hours since the attack have been a frenzy of people and instructions, and you've spent the whole time feeling dizzy and disoriented, in a way you really haven't since the war.  Your one remaining human guard had driven you directly to the Alternian embassy and practically glued herself to your side - she's watching from just a couple of meters away even now - and somewhere between being checked on by the couple of permanently Earth-residing Diplomallies, and smiling and nodding awkwardly while unfathomably important humans offered their apologies, Dave and Rose were stripped away and gently sent home - some stupid bullshit about essential personnel only.  

In other words, the last few hours have been a torture nexus specifically designed to rattle you.  But Eridan's complete dishevelment is somehow really working to calm your destroyed nerves.

"We're fine.  Everyone's fine, you didn't need to come all this fucking way less than a fucking day after going back home.  Have you even slept since we last saw you?  Get your useless shitting carcass in a recuperacoon before you pass out."  You start pushing and shooing him in the rough direction of the quarters you've been told you'll be sharing with Kanaya for the night while your remaining security sweep your hotel for any traps the terrorist may have hidden there.

Eridan laughs weakly and manages to mess up his hair even further, though he's clearly too exhausted to even pretend to fight you.  "Not a lotta sleep in my line a work, Kar.  I've got my own room here to crash between meetin's."

As he drowsily leads the three of you through a maze of corridors to the sleeping quarters Eridan fills you in on as much as he can, a lot of which you've already picked up in dribs and drabs from the parade of people you've been shuttled back and forth between.  The rest of your guards were quick to subdue the attacker, and he's being held now while both governments confer about what to do.  Feferi is pretty adamant that she doesn't want a punishment anywhere near as severe as the humans are pushing for, and things have apparently hit a bit of a standstill.  She had been planning a trip to Earth in a season or so for something Eridan is uncharacteristically cagey about, but now she wants to make an earlier trip to personally ensure the attacker is being put in rehab programs rather than locked up or executed the way the humans are talking about.

"Really says a lot about... fuckin', I dunno, the nature a the two different kindsa cullin' an' how far Fef's reforms have taken us, or... fuck, some shit like that, I'm glubbin' out my damn nook..."  Eridan is still babbling as you physically push him into his room with a frustrated growl.

"Just get in your fucking recuperacoon, idiot."  You growl through gritted teeth, and you're surprised when Kanaya actually joins in.

"While your dedication to your job is commendable, you have now confirmed that the two of us are perfectly alive, and frankly I must say that this is the worst I've ever seen you look in the sweeps of our acquaintance.  Get some sleep, before you pass out on your feet."  Her arms are folded and posture is severe, but you know Kanaya well enough to hear the genuine concern in her tone.

Eridan either hears it too, or is too delirious with exhaustion to take her words at anything other than face value.  He fucking tears up, giving her the most grateful look you've ever seen on his face.  "Kan, that's the nicest fin you've ever said to me.  I know I don't deserve it, but I hope one day we can be fronds an' put the past behind us for good..."

You shut the door before his ramble can get any worse, and Kanaya's sigh is thick with relief.  "Thank you."

Thankfully, it's not much longer before the two of you are ushered to the temporary quarters that've been set up for you; a small, dark room with two recuperacoons and not much else.  You know it shouldn't really be an issue with someone who's... somewhere in your pale quadrant, kind of?  But the two of you still look away pointedly as you undress and slide into the two pods, neither of you trying to disguise the sigh of relief as the sopor slime soothes your fraying nerves.

You're even more on the same wavelength than you thought, as just as you lean out of your pod to grab your husk and message Dave, you see Kanaya doing the same across the room.  Well, at least you can be stupid about humans together.

You have approximately a thousand messages from Dave and upon a brief skim you decide that less than half of them seem to make any kind of sense, so you elect to ignore them entirely and just dive in.

CG: I'M NOT FUCKING READING ALL THAT SHIT.
CG: BUT HI.
CG: SORRY IT TOOK FOREVER, YOU WOULD NOT *BELIEVE* HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE WE HAD TO TALK TO BEFORE GETTING EVEN A FUCKING SECOND OF REST.
CG: I CAN'T TALK LONG, I'M SO TIRED I MIGHT PASS OUT WITH MY HEAD AND ARMS STICKING OUT OF THE SLIME. 
TG: oh fuck there you are
TG: ive been worrying like crazy
TG: so is rose man its worry fuckin central over here
TG: phones ringing off the hook with all these damn worries we gotta deal with
TG: the big man is standing by the red button waiting to launch the chill out nukes but hes still waiting for word from high up
TG: permission to chill the fuck out commander vantas
CG: PERMISSION GRANTED.
CG: THE BIG MAN PRESSES THE BIG STUPID BUTTON AND EVERYONE FOR KILOMILES IN EVERY DIRECTION RELAXES LIKE THE THIRD DARK SEASON CAME EARLY.
TG: oh fuck dude it is third dark season as hell up in here
TG: no fuckin day zombies gonna get me or whatever
TG: god alternia sucks so bad sorry bro
CG: NO ARGUMENTS FROM ME.
TG: for real youre okay though right
TG: i know i saw you like a couple hours ago and you seemed fine but man 
TG: this was supposed to be karkats bitchin earth holiday i cant believe something so shitty happened on my watch
CG: I PROMISE, I'M FINE.  I WAS IN THE WAR, REMEMBER?  I'VE GOT A LOT OF FUCKING EXPERIENCE GETTING SHOT AT.
CG: BESIDES, I GUARANTEE THERE ARE STILL PARTS OF THE EMPIRE WHERE I WOULD BE IN A FUCK OF A LOT MORE DANGER.
CG: THE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE IS THOUSANDS OF SWEEPS OLD, AND SOME TROLLS LIVE HUNDREDS OF SWEEPS.  FIVE SWEEPS OF PEACE IS NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH FOR SOME OF THEM TO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FEFERI'S NEW RULES.
TG: fuck man
TG: i keep forgetting how fucked up some trolls can be
TG: no offense
TG: you and kanaya are just so normal and chill its easy to forget
CG: NO I GET IT.
CG: WE'RE NOT REALLY REFLECTIVE OF THE ATTITUDES OF THE LAST ERA.  OR ITS FINAL DYING DREGS.
TG: yeah damn
TG: its still fucked up you got attacked though
TG: earth is supposed to be the fucking safe one god damn
CG: I PROMISE IT'S FINE.
CG: CAN I ASK SOMETHING THOUGH?
CG: WHILE WE'RE GETTING ALL PALE.
TG: oh fuck 
TG: sorry
TG: i really dont mean to keep fucking doing this
CG: NOT MY POINT.
TG: oh i mean
TG: sure
TG: you can ask
CG: I KEEP SEEING YOU REACH FOR A WEAPON WHENEVER SHIT SURPRISES YOU.
CG: YOU WERE INVOLVED IN THE WAR TOO, WEREN'T YOU?
TG: oh its not that
TG: i mean yeah
TG: i was
TG: but like
TG: fuck okay
TG: you know i mentioned the guy who raised me was kind of a fucked up dude
CG: YEAH.
TG: well he used to make me swordfight him all the fuckin time
TG: he said he was training me up
TG: making me strong
TG: which i guess he fuckin succeeded at in the long run
TG: but man literally having to fight just to eat is no way to grow up
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?
CG: I THOUGHT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE YOUR LUSUS.
TG: yeah
TG: supposed to be
TG: he just had fucked up ideas about what that meant
TG: sometimes i really do think he thought he was helping me
TG: turning me into a real man or what the fuck ever
TG: but mostly i think he was just a fucked up dude who liked beating up a kid
TG: i always wear long sleeves in public because ive got dozens of scars all over my fuckin arms
TG: and my back and chest are worse
CG: HOLY SHIT.
TG: yeah
TG: hes dead now though
TG: soporifics got him
CG: DAVE YOU CAN SAY DRUGS, I DO KNOW THE WORD.
TG: aight yeah
TG: cool
TG: but yeah dude always had hella drug problems
TG: not a surprise they caught up with him when he didn't have beating the shit out of me to distract him
TG: last time i saw him he almost killed me
TG: he caught me makin out with a dude and went ballistic
TG: wasnt down with the human gay shit
TG: i was like seventeen 
TG: had to fuckin book it
TG: rose told her mom what was up and asked if they could come get me and i could stay with her
TG: that was when mom spilled the beans about us being siblings
TG: could have said something fuckin sooner would love not to have to live with the memory of flirting with my sister when we were both thirteen
TG: but yeah thats my tragic backstory i guess
TG: i still kinda go for the sword instinctively even though i cant exactly carry it round anymore
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CG: I'M SO SORRY.
CG: UGH I WISH I WAS THERE.
CG: I WANT TO DRAG YOU INTO A PILE AND STROKE YOUR HAIR.
TG: damn so forward karkles
TG: at least pat a guys shoulders a little first
TG: that does sound hella tight though actually
TG: i wish you were here too
CG: SHUT UP FUCKFACE.
CG: YOU CAN'T SAY THE MOST FUCKING WRETCHED SHIT I'VE HEARD IN SWEEPS AND THEN MAKE FUN OF ME FOR PITYING YOUR PATHETIC ASS.
TG: but youre so cute when youre pissed off
TG: wait fuck
TG: sorry
CG: IT'S OKAY.  YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP APOLOGIZING FOR FLIRTING IN THE WAY THAT'S NORMAL TO YOU.
CG: I'M GETTING USED TO IT.
CG: I
CG: I DON'T HATE IT.
TG: well thats a hella endorsement right there
TG: seriously i wanna be all sensitive and shit but i really dont know how to pick a lane and stick to it
TG: its like im driving in some little fucked up town in europe where the road isnt even marked so i cant see where the different lanes start and end
TG: and all the signs are in dutch or some shit so i cant even pick shit up from context clues
TG: tryna turn right but whenever i pull over to that side of the road people all honk at me for being an asshole american who doesnt know where people in europe drive
TG: i just like you a lot
TG: enough that im phrasing it like a twelve year old with a god damn crush 
TG: do you like me [ ] yes [ ] no [ ] as a friend [ ] nah but i dont want you to hate that other guy either i think man idk if that one will ever make sense to me
TG: cant even write a good middle school crush note without getting my stunted earth ass lost in the complexities
TG: but my dumb ass monkey brain is just out here liking you human style and i dont know if i can do anything different
CG: HOLY SHIT, STOP RAMBLING.
CG: I'M WAY TOO FUCKING SLEEPY TO MAKE ANY SENSE OF THAT.
CG: I MEANT WHAT I SAID.  IT'S REALLY FINE.
CG: IF FOR SOME MORONIC REASON YOU WANT TO HUMAN LIKE ME YOU SHOULD JUST HUMAN LIKE ME.
CG: VACILLATING IS A ME PROBLEM, NOT A YOU PROBLEM.
CG: I ALWAYS
CG: IT'S NOT
CG: FUCK
CG: I'VE JUST GOT SOME PERSONAL SHIT TO THINK ABOUT.  OLD SHIT.  
CG: BUT I DON'T WANT TO STOP
CG: ANY OF IT
CG: SO STOP FUCKING STRESSING.
TG: aight
TG: if you wanna talk about your old shit any time im here
TG: cant promise ill get the nuance but i will actually sincerely fucking try
TG: if you ever wanna do that i mean
CG: I ACTUALLY
CG: THINK I DO.
CG: BUT TOMORROW.
CG: I KEEP CLOSING MY FUCKING GLANCE NUGGETS BETWEEN MESSAGES
TG: glance nuggets holy shit
TG: thats adorbs
CG: BHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMNNNNNNNNNNNNNHJKLL,MKL
TG: lol
TG: gnight

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Dave Strider, and you can still feel the hilt of your sword in your hand.

It's the first thing you think when you wake up from a string of nightmares - Bro in the terrorist's place with his sword to Karkat's throat/strifing with Bro on the roof with an audience of fans cheering as you're cut to ribbons/Bro's presence looming heavy above you on the couch as you kiss Karkat for the first time - and where the fuck is your fucking sword?!

Your breath is coming in arrhythmic gasps and huffs as you shoot upright and instinctively grasp at your hip, your back, wherever it might be.  It's a kind of waking panic that took years to ease after you moved in with Mom, and it's back in full force like it was never gone.  It takes a couple of frantic bleary-eyed minutes before you can hear over your racing heart to center yourself.

You're in your room.  In your penthouse.  In LA.  Bro has been dead for three years.  You don't have a sword because you don't need a sword.  Your bedsheets are red, the mug on your dresser is orange - Dirk's mug, you grabbed it by accident - your Geromy poster signed by all the guys is yellow, the photo on the shelf of you and Jade when you first visited her island is green, the hoodie John loaned you four years ago tossed over the back of a chair is blue, the x-rated Sweet Bro/Hella Jeff tapestry rose knit for your 20th birthday is purple.

Each grounding point calms and centers you further, reminding you that you don't live that life anymore.  Bro is your long-dead past, and this is your present.  Your friends, your films, the loving family you could never have imagined a decade ago.  Bro is dead, and you're fine.

Karkat is fine.

A lingering spike of panic strikes and you snatch up your phone just to make sure he wasn't fucking attacked in his slime overnight or some bullshit like that.  But no, the last message from him is still the adorable keysmash he managed to send while passing out in his weird slime coffin.  It's so cute that it unknots a good deal of the tension left in your chest and the next deliberate, slow breath you take comes much easier.

You're finally collected enough to remember to check the time, and... Fuck, no wonder Karkat isn't up yet.  Your nightmares have woken you up at an hour you usually refuse to acknowledge exists when you're not beholden to a filming schedule, and the exhaustion rolls over you again like a blanket.  Sure, it's probably a good sign that your nervous system has settled enough to be tired, but it's still not exactly a welcome feeling.

You're right in that sweet spot where it's not really worth trying to go back to sleep though, so you drag yourself out to the kitchen and get to work on a coffee.  The sun is just about to rise, and you navigate around your kitchen by the newborn daylight filtering in through your windows.  It's peaceful, it's home, and you're okay.

You hadn't really expected anyone to be up at this hour so it's a bit of a shock when Dirk emerges from his room, greeting you with a nod.  His stupid anime hair is down, hanging low past his chin, and he's foregone the sunglasses in the low light.  It makes him look young, younger than you almost, and everything about him that reminds you uncomfortably of Bro has been stripped away.  You know it's probably just a result of being up so early, but you like to think he had considered whether you would be in a panic this morning before coming out.  You both remember how hard it had been to build that trust, after a younger mirror image of your abuser had showed up at said abuser's funeral and told you he was your brother.

"Sup." You greet him with a nod, and the two of you fistbump as he passes on the way to the coffee machine.  Like everything's normal.

"Wanted to go for a run before my shower." He replies, both of you speaking softly despite the penthouse's excellent soundproofing and the fact that your two other siblings could probably sleep through the end of the world.  They've never had to deal with the hypervigilance you and Dirk suffer from.  Him from growing up alone, you from the opposite.

"Cool." You acknowledge, and the two of you share a comfortable silence as he pours his coffee, quickly polluting it with an amount of sugar that would offend the damn king of Candyland.

"Dog what are you making, coffee syrup?" You sound a lot more like yourself than you really expected to, but you've always been good at putting a normal face on under stress.  Nobody knew how bad your situation really was in your teens until Rose took you in.

Dirk snorts, stirring his concoction unashamedly.  "Keeps me going.  Besides, I don't see a point in pretending that burned bean soup tastes good on its own." He arches an eyebrow in a clear challenge as he takes a very pointed sip, following it with an exaggerated sigh of contentment.

You pull a face in response, and it's comfortable.  It wasn't easy at first, feeling comfortable around Dirk, but you've gotten here through a lot of effort.  Never really helped that he was obsessed with your movies well before you met, so when Bro died and there were four kids named in his will you weren't only confronted by two surprise siblings, but a superfan... it was a lot.  He expected you to be a lot of things that you weren't, you expected him to be a lot of things that you were desperately relieved he wasn't.  

But you got here.

And you know him well enough now that it doesn't feel like a test when he does away with the small talk.  "How are you doing?"  His tone is flat in a way other people struggle to read, but you know by now just how sincere he is.  "I know yesterday must have brought some things up."

You're laughing before you've actually given yourself permission to, a heavy, tired laugh.  "Yeah, understatement of the fuckin' century.  I'm only up this early because of the goddamn nightmares."  You take a steadying sip of your untainted burned bean soup, sighing pointedly to show just how fucking good a real coffee is.  "Woke up freakin' out like a damn kid who just walked in on their parents watchin' a horror movie, all jumpin' around lookin' under furniture for scary clowns and shit.  Watch out Junior, that motherfucker from Saw is just waitin' for bedtime to put your goddamn ass in the reverse bear trap."

Okay, yeah, you watched a lot of horror movies you definitely shouldn't have as a kid actually.  God damn, the flashbacks are even fucking with your bullshit metaphors now.

"Sounds rough."  Dirk says, and again you hear the affection and concern in his unwavering tone.  "Have you heard from Karkat?"

You shrug and glance at your phone on the counter, lifting it up quickly to glance at your lack of notifications.  (Face down on surfaces from now on, you've decided, and you're fucking sticking to it.)  "Not since last night, but he seemed alright then.  They're taking good care of them at the embassy, he and Kanaya are sleeping there overnight until their security's done sweeping the hotel just in case, then they'll be free to go.  With more security, no doubt."

"Sounds like a cool entourage for your date."  Dirk comments, and you sigh out a laugh, leaning back and hitting your head lightly on the cabinet.

"Nah, I reckon the whole date thing's pretty much fucked now.  I doubt they'll let him just wander around anywhere that hasn't been searched first, and there's not a ton of romance in stopping every few minutes so the fuckin' CIA or whatever can do bomb sweeps."  You look out the window to catch the first winking slivers of sun over the horizon, letting them wash away any last daydreams you'd had about the first date you've tried to organise in years.  "I'm hopin' he'll be allowed back over here later on, but that's as far as the plans go."

It's nice seeing him without his shades, getting such a clear read on what he's thinking, where he's looking - a complete absence of the fear you always had that Bro was watching you at all times - but the way that his eyebrows inch higher and higher makes you want to jam the stupid fucking triangles back on his face just so you won't have to deal with the silent teasing.  How the fuck does he make you so goddamn embarrassed without even talking?  "Do you want me and Rox to clear out for the night?"  He asks meaningfully, and you're too tired to laugh it off with some stupid exaggerated sex metaphor.

"I mean, you're guests, I don't wanna fuckin' throw you out on the street."  You hesitate, heart hiccuping as you remember the other night.  "But... you know, if you wanted to... make plans with Jane or whatever, I wouldn't... complain..."

He snorts with amusement, and takes another sip of his saccharine abomination.  "Gonna get hornographic up in here?  X-rated tentacle hentai shit?  Boldly go where no man has gone before?"

You laugh again, feeling your shoulders settle.  "Too late for that man, Rose was pretty unsubtle about ladies not kissin' and tellin'.  Pretty sure she swiped that record right out from under my feet, like some kinda magician yankin' out a tablecloth, Kanaya's all sittin' there applauding and sippin' the glass of blood still perfectly in front of her, not even a damn drop spilled.  And then Karkat and I are at the next table over, both just kinda lookin' at our table and knockin' shit over ourselves like cats because we know it's gonna be a whole ass mess when one of us does yank that tablecloth, and we're both way too awkward to wanna be the guy who goes for it."

"Blood?"  Dirk raises an eyebrow again, and you don't fight the urge to laugh at him for latching on to the least important part of that ramble. 

"She's an alien vampire dude, keep up.  Rose's goth dream, naturally she pounced on the chance to hit that."

"Damn.  Good for her."

By the time you've finished your coffee and Dirk's headed off for his run, the sun is almost entirely visible and your head is feeling screwed on a hell of a lot straighter.  (Or more bisexually BADUM FUCKING CHHHH.)  You check your phone, put the mug in the dishwasher, check your phone, pick out your clothes for the day, check your phone, go for a piss, check your phone, take a quick shower, and check your phone.

And finally, finally (though it's still nowhere near a decent time to be awake in your eyes,) Karkat is up.

CG: FUCK, SORRY.
CG: I FELL ASLEEP WITH HALF MY THORAX AND BOTH ARMS HANGING OUT OF MY RECUPERACOON.
CG: KANAYA HEARD MY PALMHUSK HIT THE FLOOR AND SHOVED ME ALL THE WAY INTO THE SLIME, APPARENTLY.
CG: WHICH I DEFINITELY OWE HER FOR, I NEEDED THAT SLEEP HOLY FUCK.
CG: ANYWAY I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY TOO EARLY FOR YOU TO BE UP YET BUT ERIDAN'S GOT US ON A WHOLE SCHEDULE.
CG: FUCK KNOWS HOW THAT DOUCHEBAG IS SO AWAKE, HE LOOKED DEAD ON HIS WALKPRONGS WHEN WE SAW HIM LAST NIGHT.  BUT HE'S UP AND FUCKING CHIPPER AS HELL.  HE *STINKS* OF THAT BURNED MORNING DRINK ROSE LIKES.
CG: HE'S SUPPLEMENTING OUR SECURITY, WE DID HAVE TWO HUMAN GUARDS EACH BUT NOW WE EACH HAVE A TEAM OF FOUR - TWO HUMANS AND TWO TROLLS.
CG: MY TROLLS ARE HUMONGOUS ASSHOLES, OBVIOUSLY.  
CG: NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR.  THEY'RE PROBABLY FINE, THE EMBASSY OBVIOUSLY TRUSTS THEM AND THEY'RE JUST HERE TO DO A JOB.
CG: BUT THEY'RE SO MUCH GOD DAMN BIGGER THAN THE HUMANS THEY STAND OUT A FATHOM AWAY.  IT'S ONLY GOING TO MAKE MORE PEOPLE STARE AT US FUCKING EVERYWHERE WE GO.
CG: IT'S ONLY TODAY AND TOMORROW ANYWAY, THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT DRAGGING *FOUR* TROLLS ALL THE WAY TO EARTH TO JUST STAND AROUND BEHIND US FOR *TWO DAYS*.
CG: IT *HAS* BEEN KIND OF FUNNY WATCHING THEM FREAK OUT THOUGH.  ONE OF THEM SCREAMED WHEN SHE SAW CURTAINS SOMEONE LEFT OPEN WHILE THE SUN WAS RISING.
CG: KIND OF MADE ME THINK ABOUT HOW FAST I'VE GOTTEN COMFORTABLE HERE.  IT'S SORT OF WEIRD, SURE, BUT I HARDLY EVEN THINK ABOUT THE SUNLIGHT NOW.  EARTH'S MADE ME INTO A FUCKING RAINBOW DRINKER.
CG: I THINK I'LL MISS IT, ACTUALLY.
CG: I'LL MISS A LOT OF STUFF.
CG: SPEAKING OF STUFF I'LL MISS
CG: THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY THEY'RE GONNA LET ME GO WANDERING AROUND A BUNCH OF MUSEUMS NOW, WHICH IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.
CG: I WANTED TO SEE THE TERRIFYING WAX CELEBRITIES.
CG: BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M STILL ALLOWED TO GO TO YOUR HIVE.
CG: IF YOU WANT.
CG: WE'RE MOSTLY JUST KILLING TIME HERE AT THE MOMENT WHILE ERIDAN WORKS SOME SHIT OUT ON FEFERI'S BEHALF WITH THE EARTH GOVERNMENT PEOPLE, SHE'S PLANNING TO COME DOWN HERE TOMORROW TO MEET US AS WE'RE HEADING HOME, SO THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF LAST MINUTE SHIT TO IRON OUT.
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WANT US TO HANG AROUND HERE FOR THIS, BUT WHATEVER.
CG: A HUMAN SAID WE'D BE ALLOWED TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL SOME TIME AROUND LUNCHTIME, BUT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME OVER SOME TIME IN THE EVENING.
CG: IF YOU WANT.
CG: I KNOW KANAYA IS PLANNING TO INVITE ROSE TO THE HOTEL AGAIN, SO I'D REALLY RATHER BE ANYWHERE ELSE HONESTLY.
CG: BUT ALSO
CG: I WANT
CG: RRGH
CG: I WANT TO SEE YOU.
TG: sorry fuck i was in the shower hi
TG: damn now i know what its like to pick up the phone when ive been on a real tear hang on while i read all that
TG: first though im still so fucking glad youre okay like for real holy fuck
TG: ok reading brb
CG: YOU ABSOLUTE LOSER.
CG: I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY TOO.
TG: hell yeah we are so many flavours of okay up in this bitch
TG: like a bomb ass ice cream place that lets you taste as many as you want before deciding
TG: boysenberry?  we got it.  tangerine?  why the fuck not.  licorice?  i dont think science is ready for licorice ice cream boss
TG: but these two dudes were just so damn okay
TG: they generated new flavours of ice cream
TG: on account of how okay they were
TG: and the dudes are us
TG: yeah
CG: EVERY DAY YOU MANAGE TO GET STUPIDER.  I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE STANDS IT.
CG: BUT YES, WE'RE BOTH OKAY.  IT'S GREAT.
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE THAT I SAID?
TG: oh hell yeah sorry
TG: got distracted by the ice cream parlour up in the skies of my imagination
TG: but yeah
TG: i wanna see you hardcore
TG: im straight up just at home still trying not to freak out about violence and shit
TG: normal cool guy behaviour you know
TG: the type of shit you do when youre super normal and not fucked up about swords or whatever
CG: HMMM WELL THAT DEFINITELY SOUNDED EXTREMELY TRUE AND NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL.
CG: AS THE WORLD'S LEADING DUMBASS, I HAVE NO FOLLOWUP QUESTIONS.
TG: tight
TG: but yeah im literally just at home you can come over any time
TG: if theyll let you
TG: if not i can come over too
TG: ngl awkward as fuck if rose is also there but ill live
TG: rose and i have way weirder psychosexual fuckery going on from when we were dumbass kids who didnt know we were related
TG: a little mutual gettin it on with aliens in adjacent rooms is just one more for the therapist
TG: not that were necessarily gonna get it on or whatever
TG: i just mean
TG: if that did happen
TG: which would be cool
TG: but it would also be cool if it didnt
TG: you know
TG: either way we are cool as fuck up in this bitch
TG: just two icy dudes chillin out
CG: STOP HOLY SHIT.
CG: WE'RE ON THE SAME STUPID FUCKING PAGE JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
TG: aight
CG: I'LL FIND OUT AS SOON AS I CAN IF I'M ALLOWED OUT THIS AFTERNOON
CG: HOPEFULLY THEY AREN'T WORRIED *YOU'RE* GONNA TRY TO ASSASSINATE ME NOW.
TG: man that would be the worlds dumbest long con
TG: trick an alien into watching my movies on the offchance that not one but two governments will bring up this batshit unprecedented civilian ambassador shit then pull out all the stops to seduce him just so i can murder his ass AFTER rescuing him from someone ELSE who tried to assassinate him and failed
TG: wait i should be making notes this would make a great dumbass d-plot in the next sbahj
TG: by which i mean plot
TG: cause all the plots are d-plots lol
TG: d for dick
CG: I CHANGED MY MIND, I'M NEVER COMING TO YOUR IDIOCY PALACE AGAIN.
TG: aw dude nooo
TG: after i dedicated a whole plot of my next movie to you and everything
TG: how much more romantic i gotta get
CG: DELETING YOUR ENTIRE OEUVRE AND ISSUING A FORMAL APOLOGY WOULD BE A START.
TG: so rude wtf
TG: wait actually that would be great promo
TG: when the next ones about ready ill just quietly pull all the others from streaming
TG: issue a formal apology for my work and pretend i never made them
TG: then release the next one like its my cinematic debut even though its very obviously part 4 of a series lol
TG: dude youre a genius
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M READING.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW PAN-MELTINGLY MORONIC THIS ALL IS.  I CAN'T BELIEVE I SOMEHOW *CONTRIBUTED TO* IT.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
TG: why
TG; because you totally still wanna hit this lol
CG: UGH.
CG: DON'T REMIND ME.
CG: I'LL SEE YOU THIS AFTERNOON.
TG: tight

Dirk and Roxy clear out around lunchtime with the explanation that they're gonna do an overnight road trip to take Jane and Jade to Vegas.  ("Yaaaaaas road trip with Dirk & the girlieeeeees!!!"  "I know it's not her usual style, but with all the world travelling Jade has done it seemed appropriate to take her to the palace of U.S. decadence.  We're also gonna hit up the Rainforest Café and expose her to the cruel facsimile of the jungles she's used to."  "Jakey wanted to come too, but I got J to take him to Disneyworld to go on the Avatar rides, so those two dorks are gonna be geeking out and we can avoid reenacting the fuckin' DirkJake SBaHJ Movle Release Party Tequila Disaster of 2017."  "Roxy, that was the worst fucking whisper I've ever heard in my life.  Also, fuck you."  "Wait, who's J?"  "OMG, did they not talk to you yet Davey?  Aw shit, I guess you've had hella stuff on.  When you got a moment just get on Pesterchum for a bit, K?  Not really my place to say anything."  "Speaking of not saying anything, enjoy having the house to yourself tonight.")

In a whirlwind of knowing wonks and nods, your older siblings are out the door and the apartment is so much quieter.  And more awkward.

Rose is at the table with her laptop, "working" on the sequel to the incomprehensible wizard book she released last year and checking Pesterchum every couple of minutes.  She looks antsy enough that you do an instinctive scan of the liquor cabinet, but everything is in place and it's been locked for the last few days anyway.  Good.

She looks comfortably "focused" on her "work" and you don't feel like disturbing it, so you plonk your flat ass down on the couch you kissed Karkat on two nights ago, and open up Pesterchum.

One extremely illuminating conversation later, you're left with a better understanding of your best friend, a small pit of shame that you've been so wrapped up in the movie release shit that you didn't even realise anything was going on with them, and a really strong appreciation for the troll term Feelings Jam.  You kind of wonder if it was sort of a little bit troll-cheating to have such a deep conversation with J, but between whatever the fuck you and Karkat have going on, whatever the fuck Karkat and Kanaya have going on, and whatever the fuck Kanaya and Rose have going on, the concept seems kind of moot for the moment.  Besides, you're not gonna brush off your best fucking friend when they need a deep chat, not for the hottest troll in the galaxy.

Still, you need to find some time with Karkat to work all these terms and boundaries the fuck out.  You're pretty sure you're both nip-deep in a hot tub of denial about how little time you have left, so while the water's warm you might as well get your mack on.  By which you mean hash out some boundaries like this relationship's got the whole of time stretching ahead of it. 

You're just about to bother him on Pesterchum again when your phone rings, startling you so badly that it flies out of your hands and almost slides under the armchair.  Swearing over Rose's distant chuckles, you retrieve your phone and answer without thinking to check who it is.

"'Sup."  You greet, not bothering with professionalism.  Your work phone's been stowed for this week, so there's no reason to think it's gonna be a producer or executive or some other asshole you need to pretend you want to impress.

"Strider?  It's Eridan, from the embassy."  Ah.  Some asshole you need to actually impress.  "You home?"

"Uh- yeah..."  You feel the cool slip out of your voice, adjusting your shades with your other hand to resettle yourself.  "Didn't think it was a great idea to go traipsin' around right now.  What's up?"

"Perfect."  He sighs in relief, then seems to move away from the phone a moment, and you hear him chitter something in wobbly Alternian.  "Kar said you two had plans this afternoon an' I don't wanna keep his noisy ass cooped up any longer than necessary, so we're tryna make that happen.  Humans are fussy as fuck about security, though.  They've just finished doin' a sweep a Kar an Kan's hotel to make sure it wasn't fulla booby traps or some shit, an' now they wanna do yours before they'll let him come over."

"Oh."  You look around, quickly running a mental inventory of all the shit you don't want people rifling through.  And all the files in your office that you legally can't let people rifle through, probably.  It takes approximately four seconds to decide that you don't give a fuck. "Uh, I mean... I guess?"

"Perfect."  Eridan's voice is heavy with relief, reminding you of how you feel when you get the final cut of a film and can stop with the late nights.  Except his job is all the time, and way more important than yours, so there's a fuck of a lot more weight there.  "You know how Kar gets when he's antsy, he's makin' a fuckin' nightmare a himself."  He moves away from the phone again, and this time you can hear gruff chitters barking back when he switches to Alternian.  "By which I mean he's bein' a perfect fuckin' delight, a course, an' I'm definitely not tryna fob him off on you so he'll stop bitchin'." 

You can't help a small snort of laughter as you're randomly reminded that this is one of the most important people in the fucking universe, shit-talking Karkat and trying to hook you up on a fucking date  "Hey, I'm happy to take him off your hands."

"Ya know, there was a time when I got ta thinkin' Kar an' I might wind up goin' down the flush road..."  He sighs wistfully, and Karkat is even louder in the background now.  "A course, life had other plans, an' obviously it all worked out for everyone.  What I'm sayin' though is you better treat him right, Strider."

"Yessir."  You have a weird instinct to salute, and it's kind of comforting that L.A. hasn't squeezed all the Texas out of you.  "I'm real fond of all his bitchin' anyway, he's like a foulmouthed white noise machine when you get him goin'."

Eridan bubbles out a laugh, and then you can hear the switch in his tone when he snaps back into work mode, like he just remembered he's a fucking intergalactic diplomat.  "Alright, there's a team on the way ta your apartment now.  Shouldn't take too long, an' I really doubt they'll find anythin'.  If the asshole had set any traps you or your family woulda set 'em off by now.  It's mostly just a formality so the humans will chill out - I think they're terrified we'll take this as an act a war, no matter how clear Fef makes it that she feels the opposite.  So whatever, we gotta go along with their dumbass security shit for a bit."

Fef.  You've been hanging out with people on nickname terms with the fucking Empress, and you knew that, sure, but it's really hitting all over again.  How the fuck did you get here?

"No trouble."  You say, and completely fail to sound normal.  "It's just me and Rose here, everyone else is out for a couple days, and Rose is planning to go meet Kanaya soon as they're back at the hotel."

Eridan's sigh is strange this time, and the itch to know whatever weird history they've got is stronger than ever.  "Well, I'm glad shit's goin' well for her.  She deserves it."  He sounds genuinely sad, dropping his voice slightly so that Karkat (and presumably Kanaya, if she's around) won't hear.  "I haven't seen her so happy about anyone since we were schoolfeedin' age.  Between us - is your sister that into it too?"

"Uh - yeah."  You hesitate, glancing in the direction of the dining room door where you can hear Rose's keys very distinctly not clacking as she's doing an awful job of pretending not to listen in.  (Not that her keys have actually clacked once since she sat down to "write" anyway, but the silence is a fuck of a lot more purposeful now.)  "Same on this side basically.  So we're good."

Eridan sighs in relief, then you hear a few more barks of Alternian in the background.  "Fuckin' fine!"  He sighs, not bothering to switch languages this time.  "Alright, I gotta go do shit.  Security team should be round in ten, then we'll send Kar over soon as your place is cleared.  His guard detail's doubled, but once your place's been searched they should be fine just hangin' out in the hallway same as last time.  Give you some privacy..."  You can practically hear his eyebrows wiggling.  "Anyway, we'll have to finish the gossip sesh some other time, Strider.  See ya."  He hangs up before you can say goodbye, and a heavy sigh rolls out of you as you finally start to process just how fucking weird your life has gotten.

The security team comes, and Rose goes.  Then the security team goes, and Karkat is apparently on the way.  It was humiliating for sure, just kind of standing around while a dozen strangers tore through your whole apartment, but as far as you can tell they didn't actually disturb anything, just scanned shit and poked and prodded around places that would apparently be good to hide traps or bombs or whatever.  You probably should have paid more attention - would have been good fodder for a scene sometime.

But now they're gone, and Karkat's on th- Karkat's here.  You flashstep over to the entry and this time don't bother to play it cool, opening the door seconds after he rings the bell.  He looks so nervous but it all melts off the second he sees you, and it feels better than winning an Oscar.

You barely even register the tall, broad trolls now flanking his sides before Karkat is muscling his way into your apartment and very firmly shutting his entourage out.  "Thank fuck."  He grumbles.  "That oliveblood asshole didn't even want to let me take a shit by myself earlier.  Having security is a fucking nightmare.  I'm not a goddamn fucking grub, I don't need some overzealous nookhead marching me down to the load gaper like I just finished my first moult!  Even my Lusus wasn't this fucking overbearing!"  He's still mid-rant as he grabs you by the shirt and yanks you into a kiss, cutting himself off with the clumsy but welcome press of lips and teeth.

You're really figuring out the angles now, and he doesn't bite you at all this time when your tongue meets his, finding the best way to kiss someone with such a different mouth.  You're both getting better at it, and you're so distracted by how much better that you don't even really realise he's guiding you until your back hits the wall, pinned in place by his lips and his arms and the heft of him.

He pulls back slightly, just enough to talk between kisses.  "You're so stupid..."  He grumbles, and you grin so wide you smush your lip right up against his fangs.  "Why were you fucking roleplaying with Nepeta?"

Your grin widens even more, and you can't hold back a stupid, stupid cackle.  "Hey-" You kiss him again quickly.  "Let me live my"-kiss-"furry dreams, dude."

"You're an idiot."  He grumbles, fingers sliding up into your hair.  "And an asshole.  And I hate how much I missed you."

You're struck by a small pang as you hear the part he's not saying.  As of tomorrow you're both about to do a hell of a lot more missing each other.  Which... not a thought for right now.

"Knew you'd fall for my irresistible charms."  You say instead, smirking as he growls against your lips, still trading quick, breathy kisses between words.  "Had a taste of Strider, now you need more..."

"You're literally talking shit as we're making out..."  He grumbles, before taking a pause to suck on your lower lip.  "Is it impossible to shut you up?"

You laugh louder at that, gripping his waist tightly to pull him close.  "You're bitchin' at me"-kiss-"while we make out - pot, kettle, that whole thing."

You don't even know if that idiom will make any sense to him but Karkat doesn't seem to care, hefting you up with really god damn strong arms fuck and carrying you, legs wrapped around his waist, through to your bedroom.  You're kind of counting on him assuming the mess is from the security sweep, though they actually did an eerily good job of putting everything back where they found it.  Which includes the shit strewn all across your room, unfortunately.

Not that Karkat seems to care.  He kisses you again, more tender now as he sets you down on the bed, leaning over you but not moving any closer.  You pull his waist gently to try to change that, but now that you're actually in the bedroom his demeanour is all different.  Something's off.

"You okay, dude?"  You ask gently, and fight back the impulse to apologise for flipping pale so fast.  He said to just do your human thing, so you're going to stick to that.  Try to, anyway.  "We can pump the brakes if you need a moment."

You're not sure how you managed to say the wrong thing so quickly but he's pulling away, glancing down uncomfortably as if he's only just realised he was practically eating your entire face while calling you an asshole two minutes ago.  "Sorry."  He says quickly, and you don't suppress the impulse to touch his arm.

"Hey, it's chill.  Nothin' to be sorry about.  I was havin' fun, but if you need to cool off it's fine.  We can chat for a bit, or just... hang out.  Whatever."  You glance down, watching your hands fidget involuntarily.  "I meant it dude, like, jokes aside we ain't gotta do this.  We can go put a movie on or whatever if it's too fast."

Whatever's upsetting him is only getting worse, and when you rub his arm he leans in to it for a second before groaning in frustration, flinging himself up off the bed and rubbing his face as he paces.  "No, this is my stupid, shitting fault!"  He snaps, clearly now in the throes of some long-standing crisis 

"Whatever's going on there's no fault to be had, dude."  You say gently, eyes gliding back and forth as you watch him pace.  "Everything's cool.  We're good."

"Well of course you think we're good!  To you we are good!  We're human good! It's not a big deal to want to kill you one second, then hold you the next, then build a pile together a moment later!"  His hand is tangled in his hair, and yeah this is a full on crisis.  So much for getting up close and personal with the anatomy you've heard so much swearing about.  "I'm a troll!  I'm not supposed to want this!"

Supposed to. It clicks.  You're thirteen and J just sent you a selfie flexing their muscles - puberty's been hitting hard, and you hide the photo in a billion subfolders on your desktop.  You don't know why you need to hide it, but you do.  You're fifteen and your bro is going off about this fuckin' fag he saw makin' out with another dude on the dancefloor while he was DJing, and you imagine what it would be like, dancing with a guy in a club.  You're seventeen and you just had your first ever kiss with Evan, the cute guy who works at the corner store on Thursdays.  You're melting into your second kiss when his shadow looms over you - you didn't even hear the roof access opening.

"Dude."  You reach out as he passes and pull his hands out of his hair, taking them gently.  "You're okay.  There's no s'posed to, not with me.  You can want whatever you want.  You're safe."

You run your thumbs over his weirdly smooth knuckles, and both of your eyes are locked to the movement, the way your skin looks oversaturated next to his.  You grip a little tighter when you feel his body shake.

"It's happened before."  He sounds choked up, and you keep your grip on his hands.  You kind of wonder if humming would help, but you don't know how well getting that explicitly pale would go over right now.  You don't know all the nuances, but you're learning.  "Fucking every time I develop feelings for someone I wind up wanting them in more than one quadrant.  It's fucked up every relationship I've even tried to start.  Fuck, I probably would have wound up developing red feelings for Kanaya if we hadn't-"  He cuts himself off with a startled look, and you can practically see the wheels turning in his mind.  It's not a surprise when he crumples and presses his face into your shoulder.  "Fuck."

"Hey, it's cool."  You let go of his hands and move to stroke the side of his head, encouraged by him leaning in. "You, uh, you can talk about it if you need to."

"I didn't even notice."  He groans into your shirt.  "I've been checking her out for days, I just didn't even register it.  I know she's not interested in guys in that way, so I didn't really think of it as a thing.  I guess I just thought I was... I don't know.  Appreciating my moirail.  Fuck."

You didn't really know it was a thing for trolls not to be bisexual, but now's not the time for that cultural revelation.  Instead you keep stroking his head, and try not to be jealous.  "Hey, it's cool.  It doesn't seem like you broke any boundaries there, she would have said something if she felt uncomfortable.  Everything's cool."

He sighs hard, heavy against you.  "It terrifies me how much I like it when you flip on me, or blur those lines..."  His voice is throaty now, and there's an achingly sad whine coming from deep within him.  "It's... that's not how it works for us, I'm not supposed to want it, it's selfish and stupid to want someone in more than one quadrant.  We're not like that."

"Well, I dunno if you've noticed, but I'm a couple horns short of a troll."  He snorts, and it emboldens you to continue.  "I'm like that, and I'm happy.  I like this." Your voice comes out so soft it almost startles you. "This whole multi-quadrant thing. I know it might be seen as weird, or selfish, or whatever by Alternian standards, but I don't care. I like every side of you. I like every way we get to be together. I like that you want this too." 

He's shivering slightly in your grip now and you shift closer, stroking his back softly as you speak. "I wanna talk about our feelings, then fuck, then cuddle it out after the fact. I wanna find out what kismesis sex is all about. I wanna... fuck, I dunno, prevent you from starting stupid beef? I'll be real, I still don't totally get that one. But I want to. I want it all, and I like that you do too." 

He's trembling harder now, and a hiccuping breath makes you abruptly aware that he's not just trembling. Fuck. 

"Fuck." He echoes your thought, voice throaty with tears. "It fucking figures that I would meet- meet someone who doesn't think I'm an unlovable freak, and he lives on the other side of the fucking universe." He pauses to gasp in a breath and you hug him tighter, ignoring the prickling in your own eyes. "And I'm leaving tomorrow." 

"We'll make it work."  You refuse to think about the logistics behind that sentence.  All that matters right now is that you really, really fucking want this to work.  He's so miserable, and for the first time you completely understand the romantic pity thing.  "And we've got right now.  We're here, we're together, and I'm all in - whatever quadrants you want, I want 'em too.  Sign me the fuck up for all four versions of gettin' to date you."

You're back on track now because he chokes out a laugh and finally pulls away from your shoulder to kiss you again, sweet and slow.  "You're so stupid."  He mumbles, wiping his eyes quickly on his sleeve as you laugh.

"Stupid for you, maybe."  You grin, and he groans.  He looks mostly better but he's still fidgety, letting out a slow breath as he sits next to you, clearly still wrestling with whatever is going on internally.  You know all too well what it's like to find safety in yourself after a lifetime of repression.  You take off your shades and set them on the bedside table while he's collecting himself, and something about seeing your uncovered eyes again seems to steel him.

"I, uh... That does relate to something I... guess I should let you know."  He seems more awkward than upset now, staring at his hands as he drums his claws on his knees.  "I kind of said it already, but I've... fucked up most of my relationships pretty badly.  I've only ever had two quadrantmates before, and both of those were pale.  And complete fucking shitshows."  He adds and you nod, thinking of how weird whatever Kanaya is up to with your sister must be for him.

"It sounds like it, yeah."  You nod, leaning back on one arm.  "I don't have the best like, long-term relationship track record either, to be honest.  Never been my style before, so I guess we're both going into this kinda fresh?"  You threw the words long-term in there without even really thinking, and now it's all you can think about.  Fuck.

Karkat shakes his head, hands clenching tighter on his knees now.  His face is flushed, and he finally looks at you with a vulnerability you've never seen on him before.  "No, I mean... I've never filled any other quadrant."  He looks down at his hands again, cheeks dark.  "None of the concupiscent ones.  And it's not like there were any drones forcing people into it once I came of age, so..."

It takes you a moment to click, but you get there.  "Oh shit - you're a virgin?"

He winces, scowling.  "I know, it's pathetic at my fucking age - I'm only a couple of sweeps off my adult moult.  I just - you've seen.... you know my blood colour."  It seems painful for him to even say the words.  "You and my friends - that's the entire list of people who know.  There's no way to get concupiscent with someone without them finding out, and I've never felt comfortable enough to show anyone before."  His hands are clenching and unclenching on his knees, and your heart pounds its way up into your throat.  

"Shit."  You say softly, taking the moment to reassess the situation.  "I- fuck.  I'm sorry if I made it seem like... like that was something we had to do, or whatever.  I mean, I'd love to get down, but if you're not ready, or it's a sore subject, or... whatever, anything, we can just go make out in front of a movie or something.  Seriously - your boundaries, your call."

He's looking up at you with another one of those unreadable expressions, the one that tells you that he's thinking intensely, but absolutely nothing about what those thoughts might mean for you.  He studies your face so deeply that it feels like his gaze is coming out the other side, then his face softens, hand moving to take yours again.

"I said I've never felt comfortable before." It comes out of him in an embarrassed rush, but there's determination when he meets your red eyes with his own. "I do now." 

You're hit all at once by a tidal wave of responsibility. He trusts you, in a way he's never trusted anyone before. This is so, so real for both of you, and you are terrified to fuck it up. Again. 

This has to be the best god damn sex of your life. No pressure. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you've never slept so well without sopor slime before.

Dave is splayed across your chest when you wake up; limbs akimbo, mouth open and drooling slightly on your shoulder.  His face is completely relaxed, and he looks almost frustratingly dopey and cute.

If you don't think about this afternoon, it's easy to get lost in just how fucking lucky you are.  A part of you had resigned yourself to never filling your concupiscent quadrants, having realised after The Terezi Disaster that your quadrant-mixing would make you a completely impossible partner for every troll with any kind of common sense.  Looking back, you realise how optimistic it had been to try for even a conciliatory quadrant with Kanaya, and... the reason things never got that far with Gamzee was pretty much entirely the fact that your whole fling was more an arrangement of necessity than an actual emotional match.  

You've always been a fuckup, ultimately, and when you were younger and more bitter it had been easy to hate - just another way you're a mutant freak, a failure of a troll, a worthless piece of shit.  Just about everything that could be wrong with you is wrong with you, and your quadrants have never been any exception.  At some point over the sweeps you became a jaded, hopeless asshole about it.

But now... Dave looks so soft and open, snoring lightly on your chest, and he wants this.  He wants all of you, no holds barred.  Hell, he made no secret that he was finding the quadrant thing as hard as you were, and you think the comfort that knowledge gives you is the same kind of comfort he feels being around someone who's never had any issues about being attracted to different genders.  You're both fucked up in ways that interlock perfectly, two puzzle pieces clicked neatly into place.  You're safe with him.  You're wanted.

And in a few hours, you'll never see him again.

You do your best to hold still and not make any noise, but you don't fight the tears eking their way from your eyes, glad that his snuggleplanes are all red enough not to get stained as the crimson-tinted liquid rolls down your cheeks and drips through your hair onto the fabric below.  It feels like there's a hole being carved right through the center of your thorax as you finally let the truth sink in.

You're going home today.

Although you're doing your best not to disturb him, you must be worse at crying subtly than you had thought.  Dave slides into consciousness so smoothly that if you hadn't seen him drooling a second ago you would think he had been awake this whole time.  He drowsily pulls himself up to eye level with you, reaching down with one hand to wipe the tears from your cheeks.

"What's up?"  He asks softly, voice still thick with sleep, and this time you don't fight the sound of the sob he chokes out of you.

"I'm leaving today."

As Dave kisses you and the two of you seek warm comfort in each other's bodies, he doesn't try to hide the fact that he's crying too.

You don't leave Dave's respiteslab until you absolutely have to, both of your shoulders heavy with grief.  You dress in silence, and neither of you comment on it when Dave rests his shades atop his head instead of putting them on.  You're silently grateful - you're not ready to stop seeing his eyes yet.  Your pusher aches when you think of what it'll be like when you look in the mirror and see the exact same shade looking back.  A week ago it would have filled your gut with loathing, but now you know it'll only make you think of him.

He makes you some toasted grubloaf with a salty nut spread for breakfast and you both halfheartedly try to make normal conversation, but there's no real way to pretend things are okay.  Eventually you lapse into a silence so morose that neither of you can even bring yourselves to comment on just how unusual the break from yapping is.

When a knock at the door announces that your transport is here, it feels like being ripped out of hiding by a bloodthirsty blueblood back when all you were was a scared child too young for the war you were in.  

You don't want to go.

You've known it subconsciously for a while now, but awareness hits by a speeding transport noodle.  You want to stay on Earth.  Maybe permanently.

After all, what the fuck are you even going back to?  You're too old to fit in on Alternia, surrounded by children barely out of wrigglerhood.  You only stayed at all because Kanaya gave you a job as her assistant, so the only mature trolls around are other jadebloods.  They're nice, sure, but you're very much an outsider.

And what's the other option?  Joining the fucking fleet, working on a ship?!  All of your other friends have been on ships for nearly two sweeps now - most of them stuck with Feferi, but they could have positions anywhere they wanted.  You could too.  But holy fuck, do you not want to.  It all sounds miserable - navigation, maintenance, working on disbanding the fucking military?!  Who's going to listen to a mutant who's only still alive out of Feferi's nepotism?  The idea itself is a joke.

You're an outsider on Earth too, of course.  But it's nice here.  People are nice, even when they're scared of the giant fucking aliens traipsing around.  The sun is tolerable, the single moon is pretty, the food is great.

Dave is here.

You never imagined wanting to come to this planet in the first place, and now you never, ever want to leave.

When Dave meets your eye, you see the exact same feeling mirrored right back.  Fuck.

The embassy is surrounded by people for what feels like miles, and your security don't make a secret of how grumpy they are as they pull around the back to get access to the vehicle storage block.  Dave is pale and tense next to you, to the point where he looks almost unwell as he glances out the window, and you don't hesitate to take his hand and squeeze tightly until he relaxes.  As soon as the driver pulls into a park the two of you are hustled out of the vehicle and into the embassy, where you quickly meet up with the others.  Kanaya and Rose look just as miserable as you and Dave, albeit with better posture.  Kanaya's packed up your things for you, and she even stole you some of that spiced soap you wanted.  A few days ago that gesture probably would have tangled your knotty feelings even tighter, but now you're just grateful - at least there's one small piece of Earth you won't have to say goodbye to.

Two, actually.  Without even consulting you this morning Dave wrapped himself in your sweater, the fabric swamping his stupid scrawny frame, and offered you one of his biggest hoodies in its place.  It's snug but it smells like him, and you never want to take it off.  You see he and Rose share some kind of silent eye contact-based communication when she notices, but you're too miserable to even remotely care about being embarrassed.

You make your way over to the girls, but before you have time to exchange more than gloomy hellos, there's a sudden flurry of activity around one of the far-off doors.  Security of both species are chattering back and forth in low tones, and it's almost weird being around this many trolls again.  You can't tell what the fuck they're so unsettled about until the door opens, and it all clicks into place.

Eridan shot the fuck up when you all reached maturity, but Feferi towers over even him as the two of them enter the room, Eridan going first mostly to make room for the breadth of both her frame and her hair.  It's been a long time since you saw each other in person and it's strange to behold, all the ways that Empress Feferi is simultaneously the girl you grew up with and a complete stranger.  The poise, the professionalism, the regal composure, it's like watching an Earth movie about their royalty.  The effortless and authoritative way she wields her power is something you never would have expected her to be capable of, growing up together.

But then she spots you, and the bubbly teen who loved to glub with you all hours of the day is right back in front of you.

“KARPKATFISH!  It’s EELY good to see you!”  She exclaims, and you can practically see just how many hyphens she would have used to throw that E right the fuck across the screen on Trollian.  She flies across the room and scoops you into a tight hug, one that would be crushing were her rumblespheres not soft enough to ease the blow.  Still, you're gasping a little bit when she lets you go and yanks Kanaya into a similarly chitin-warping embrace.

"And you must be Dave and Roe-se!"  The humans are clearly too flabbergasted at meeting the Empress to pick up the pun, but you and Kanaya exchange a silent look of acknowledgement.  "I've heard so much about you both!  Thank you for taking such good care of our friends while they've been here, it's been such a relief knowing they're in good hands while they've been so far from home."  She extends a hand to Dave, and there's a tiny satisfaction in realising that he looks exactly the way you felt the first time a human held a hand out to you.  After exchanging a quick glance Dave and Rose seem to settle on some human decorum situation, and each bend to kiss Feferi's knuckles in turn.

"I, uh... yeah.  It's.... it's cool.  Yeah."  Dave stammers, sounding even less like himself than when he was putting on that stupid voice as TG.  "Uh... your Majesty.  Highness?  Uh, sorry..."

Feferi's demeanour holds at first, but when Eridan crumples into laughter she's not far behind, eyes wide and one hand clasped over her mouth while Eridan doubles up beside her, not even trying to hide it.  

"Oh- oh glub, no, you don't have to call me anything fancy!"  Feferi recovers quickly, shaking her head while Dave looks on, stiff with mortification.  "Just Feferi is fine, eely!  I'm not formal like that, we're all friends here!  Besides, Karkat and Kanaya are my hatchmates, we're like seal-blings!  So that makes you my friends too!"

Dave is starting to try to stammer some words out again, and Rose wisely cuts him off.  "That would be quite the honour."  Her smile is as smooth as ever, but there's a hitch in her voice that tells you she's definitely freaking out too.  "Not only because of your position in society, of course, but... well, I'm sure you're aware that Dave and I have become rather fond of your companions.  It's wonderful to get to know another one of their friends."

Feferi claps her hands together in delight, and you idly wonder how long it's been since she met someone she didn't have to put up with bowing and deference from.  Sure, Dave and Rose aren't doing the best job of being normal, but they're allowed to be - if they can manage to chill out.  Must be refreshing.  Feferi's always been a people person, but the person she's expected to be these days is so often nothing like who she actually is.

The joy is made even more obvious when she yanks both humans into a tight hug, smothering them tight in her arms.  Dave lets out a strangled squawk and Eridan is quick to tap her on the shoulder and whisper something, no doubt about how breakable humans are, and how ill-prepared they are to deal with fuchsia strength.  Dave's face when Feferi releases him is one to file away for next time you're mocking him, without question.

"You're so sweet!"  Feferi beams, as Dave and Rose fumble to fix their hair and clothes up.  "It's so nice to meet humans who aren't stuffy old suits!  I know we're going to be good friends!"

Said stuffy old suits have been standing around, watching this exchange with obvious discomfort.  From what you've seen and heard of human diplomacy, they seem to approach everything with a whole lot more formality, like if you show any emotion you're not taking the situation seriously enough.  Feferi's presence is the prong of a spaceship, tearing easily through the cold, intimidating atmosphere like a flimsy enemy vessel.  She practically beams good energy, just like she always has, and you can imagine that given humans standards for these things, the diplomatic relationship may have broken down entirely a long time ago were it not for Eridan's haughty demeanour.  Something worthwhile in seadweller snobbery after all.

As if activated by your thoughts, Eridan touches Feferi feather-light on the arm to get her attention.  Seeing them in this setting finally explains the mysteries of their renewed moiraillegiance.  Feferi keeps Eridan from wanting to kill everyone he meets, Eridan keeps Feferi on track when she has a job to do and deals with all the haughty stuff.

"Hate ta interrupt, Fef, but the mob at the door's gettin' antsy.  We gotta get this show on the road."  He gives the four of you a meaningful glance, then looks back at Feferi.  "Asides, we gotta go chat with whats-his-shit before we can go out."

You realise he's giving you a private moment to say goodbye, and you've never been so grateful in your life.  You hope he sees the look you shoot him as he's leading Feferi away, giving the four of you your space (in as much as you can have any in a fucking government building with twenty four fucking seven security.) 

"Uh..."  Your voice is choked and thick as you turn to Dave, trying to memorise every inch of him.  You will never see him again.  While you can feel the anguish rolling off your face in waves he has clammed up entirely, posture stiff and expression blank.  It's a mask you've seen him wear in interviews before, one you thought was his attempt to be Cool before you actually knew him.  You know better now - it's misery.

"Yeah, that... about sums it up."  He says stiffly, like if his façade cracks even in the slightest he may never get it back.  "This sure is one fuck of an "uh" situation."

You smack him lightly on the arm, and don't even care what anyone watching thinks of the sudden quadrant flip anymore.  They can go fuck themselves, Dave is the only thing in your world right now.  "Don't give me that, dipshit.  If we have to do this, we're doing it properly."  The tears starting to run from your eyes soften your pissed off tone, and when he snorts with laughter you see the fissures in the mask that you were looking for.

"Gotta have the romcom airport scene, huh?"  His voice is wobbling now, moments from losing control entirely.

"If you don't run after me to the transportaliser begging me not to go then this whole trip was for nothing."  You agree, and he finally shatters into a sound that's halfway between a laugh and a sob.  You know whatever he says next is gonna be stupid and frankly a waste of the time you've got left so you pull him into a kiss instead, doing your clumsy best to sear every feeling into his lips, make it so he'll know what he means to you every time he opens his mouth from now on.  He kisses back with the same desperation, and you know just how much this visit has changed him too.

"We'll talk."  You murmur against his lips, wanting desperately to give him whatever small comfort you can.  "I'll message you as soon as I can.  This isn't- this isn't the end..."

He shivers and nods slightly, not kissing you anymore as much as just leaning in, lips brushing and pressing with each word.  "I know."  His tone is soft and small, and you ache to bundle up in a pile with him and never leave.  "I'll just miss your dumb face."

You snort and hold him tighter.  "Not as much as I'll miss yours."

Somewhere behind Dave a suited throat clears, and you agonisingly pull apart, doing your best to wipe your tears before anyone twigs just how bright the red is.  Dave is similarly collecting himself, and as you part, Rose takes a moment to step closer, her face a heavy mirror of Dave's.

"I - I just wanted to say... it's been very nice meeting you.  I'm sorry we didn't get more time to speak personally, due to our... mutual preoccupations, but I hope we'll be able to change that in future."  She's doing a terrible job of sounding like she wasn't just crying.

"Yeah, me too..."  You mumble, doing an even worse job.  "I do want to have that chat about... different relationship standards.  Sounds fun."

Her face twists into a sincere smile, and she nods.  "We shall make the time, then."

Your pusher clenches as you look over Rose's shoulder and see Dave teaching Kanaya how to do a fist bump the same way he taught you days and lifetimes ago, and past them you can see an irritated human looking on.  He realises that he's caught your eye, and pointedly clears his throat again.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but we're ready for you."  He doesn't sound all that sorry.  "We'd like all four of you to join us on the steps, where the Empress is going to give a quick speech about unity.  The transportaliser is set up for you, so after the speeches you'll be able to be on your way."

"Right..."  You wipe your eyes again and steel yourself.  As the group of you follow after the man, every step feels like you're on the way to an execution.

Feferi and Eridan greet you at the door, faces much more somber as they see what a fucking awful job you've done of putting yourselves back together.  It's jarring when Feferi reaches out right in front of Eridan to wipe faces and smooth hair, helping get you all into what you hope is a slightly more presentable state.  If Eridan's bothered by the behaviour he does a frankly fucking excellent job of hiding it, though you suppose being pale for someone with such a dedication to her own particular brand of culling must make this kind of thing normal to him.

"Alright, let's get this thing goin'."  He says without a hint of the jealousy you'd expect from him, taking a moment to adjust his hair before straightening his back and opening the embassy doors.  The stairs are blocked off but beyond the barricade stands a frankly fucking obscene amount of journalists, cameras flashing and voices baying for attention.  It takes a moment for you to see past them, to the wider crowd gathered behind - the one that had made it such a fucking mission to get into the scuttlebuggy storage block.

And now you can see why.

Humans - hundreds of them, clogging up the entire fucking street.  They're cheering and clapping and at first you assume they've just come for a rare peek at royalty, but as your eyes adjust to the light outside you realise a lot of them are carrying signs.  For you.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, KARKAT!

KANAYA MARYAM #1 FASHION ICON

WE'RE SORRY!  EARTH LOVES YOU!

It hits you like a culling fork to the face.  You've never been wanted before.  Not in a broader sense.  Alternia has always despised you, and you doubt older trolls will ever really change their minds.  It'll never truly be safe for you in the fleet, not once your eyes fully present.  Every group of people you've ever met have fucking hated you on principle, but here you are.  On an alien planet, lightsweeps from Alternia, and people are cheering your name.  It soothes something deep, deep in you, something you never realised before was burning.

Standing to the side you can see Rose and Kanaya holding hands, similarly overwhelmed, and you don't even give a second thought before grabbing Dave's.  You've seen the stupid parasocial shipping bullshit online, but right now you couldn't give a single fuck about how much fodder you're giving them.  This is overwhelming and you need Dave, and when he squeezes your hand tight you know he needs you too.

The clamour dies down abruptly as Feferi steps up to a podium that's been set up for her and opens her arms out wide.  Just like that, Feferi Peixes is gone and Her Immaculate Compassion is here.

"Hello, everyone!"  She even sounds different - the bubbliness is still there, of course, but she sounds stronger, more authoritative.  You never got used to this when you were seeing her at the beginning of her reign, and now that she's had a few sweeps to practice it's even more jarring.

"Thank you all for coming!"  She continues, to the tune of a few whoops from the crowd.  "This has been a strange and wonderful week, hasn't it?  For such close allies, humans and trolls have never before had a chance to develop real, personal friendships before!  The reasons for taking the relationship between our peoples slowly have been important ones, but I hope that here today what we're seeing is the beginning of a new era, where trolls and humans aren't only diplomatic allies but two peoples who can come together freely, and break down those cultural and social barriers that lie between us!

"We have taken this process very slowly."  Feferi continues, and... it sure as fuck hasn't felt slow to you?  "The timing, the reasoning, the individuals - we knew that initiating civilian contact was going to be a delicate situation to navigate.  For ten years - almost five sweeps - our peoples have only ever had contact at a diplomatic level; a governmental one.  But to call ourselves true allies, we must begin to build bridges between real people.  It is our fondest hope that this visit has been a wonderful first step on that journey."

You're a little bit shellshocked, to be honest.  You hadn't actually thought all that much about what a big deal this was, you were a bit too busy experiencing it.  Sure you knew that you and Kanaya were the first civilian trolls to visit Earth, but hearing Feferi talk about it makes it sound like a really big deal.  And- hey! It is a really fucking big deal, actually!  You were the first civilian trolls ever to visit this alien planet, what the fuck?  And all so you could see Dave's shitty movie?!

"As such, I must thank everyone involved in the effort to make this entire visit such a success.  The people in both Earth and Alternian governments who have been working tirelessly to make arrangements, the security staff who have cared for our visiting ambassadors with such diligence, and of course, the human hosts who have extended their gracious hands of friendship - Dave Strider, and Rose Lalonde."

You choke back a snort of laughter at the word friendship, while you feel Dave next to you tense up entirely at the sound of his own name.  The crowds cheer louder than ever, and he manages to muster an awkward wave with his free hand, that same stiff manner back that you're fairly sure the crowd will be reading as the affected cool they're used to.  

"Of course, this venture has not been without its bumps.  I must once again thank Karkat and Kanaya's security for their quick responses to prevent disaster.  The actions of one troubled individual are not to be taken lightly, but they simultaneously must not be taken as representative.  It's clear both from this entire visit, as well as the turnout today, that the vast majority of the people of Earth have been eager and welcoming hosts.  We are endlessly grateful for your support, and ask that you rest assured that the attacker is being supported and directed towards theraputic and rehabilitative programs.  I will be visiting him later today to offer my full support and a listening ear."

That gets a bit of a mixed reaction, but Feferi ploughs ahead as if she hasn't noticed.  "We wish him well for his recovery, and once again wish to thank those who acted so quickly to keep Karkat and Kanaya safe.  These are the Earth memories our ambassadors will be bringing back to Alternia.  The people who helped them, who befriended them, who made this such a welcoming and warm visit.  Humanity has shown its best in so many ways, and we hope that in time trollkind will be able to show ours in return."

You never said any of that to Feferi, but you already know it's a hundred percent true.  Some asshole putting a gun to your head won't stand out in your memory nearly as much as taking a photo with the seafood restaurant owner, or being greeted so warmly by Dave's fans, or a crowd of hundreds coming out to see you off.  The people you've met even just in passing are the ones you'll be thinking of when you tell people about Earth.  Not one solitary idiot.  (Not like you couldn't find fifty worse guys stumbling onto any random ship on the fleet, anyway.)

"I would once more like to thank everyone who's come out today to see Karkat and Kanaya return home, and extend my warmest appreciation to all the people of Earth.  I truly hope that our alliance will only strengthen and deepen with time, and this has been a wonderful step in that direction.  Thank you all."  Feferi steps back with a smile, and the royal demeanour slips as she blows a few kisses to the crowd before ceding the space to an important human of some kind - you vaguely remember meeting her here what feels like a lifetime ago.  It's a little bit funny that you had found the amount of cameras that day overwhelming, given the veritable fucking circus in front of you now.

You can't be bothered listening to the next speech, instead squeezing Dave's hand tighter with your own.  Every word is a second closer to the moment you'll have to say goodbye forever, and all you really want is to crush him into you, absorb as much of him as you possibly can before this ends. 

It's the chorus of cheers that tunes you back in to the end of the human woman's speech, and oh fuck.  It's happening.  They've set up a transportaliser right here for the two of you, you guess for the spectacle of letting the crowd actually see you go.  It's probably great PR, but you'll be sharing your last moments with Dave in front of thousands of fucking onlookers.  You shoot Eridan a look, pretty sure who was responsible for this shit, and he gives a mild shrug in response.  Asshole.

It's a relief when Kanaya wordlessly volunteers to go first, stripes of bright green elegantly trickling down her cheeks as Rose walks her to the transportaliser, their hands gripped tightly between them.  They don't talk or even kiss, just pause to meet each other's eyes in a moment of understanding that neither you, nor Dave, nor any of the hundreds of assholes watching have any part in.  And then Kanaya is stepping onto the transportaliser pad, and she is gone.  

And now there's nothing else left.  No more speeches, no Kanaya to go first, you are leaving.  You kind of wish another asshole with a gun would show up, so you could stick around just a little bit longer.  But all that happens is you feel Dave's hand tight in your own as you approach the transportaliser, scrubbing with your free hand to hide the stupid scarlet tears from your cheeks as your shitting bastard ganderbulbs betray you.

"So... bye."  Dave mumbles once there's nowhere else to go.  He's not any more ready to release you than you are to leave him.  But here you are.  "I, uh... I'm fuckin'... really gonna miss you."

"Me too."  You don't even try to suppress the pained whine emitting from your thorax, unable to designate a single emotional resource to anything other than the agony of saying goodbye.  "We- we'll... we'll talk."

He nods, stiff as a board.  "We'll talk."

It's so painful, looking at this dead, frozen version of him that you can't help it.  You pull him in and kiss him desperately, and don't give a single shit about the hundreds of cheers that accompany the movement.

Dave clearly doesn't care either, fisting his hands in your (his) hoodie and tugging you close, kissing like he wants to eat you whole and make you part of him, and when you finally break apart his cheeks are as wet as yours.

"I love you."  You whisper, the softest noise you've ever made in your fucking life, but somehow he still hears it over the crowd, startled for a moment, then gives you the biggest, wobbliest grin you've ever seen on his face.

"I love you too."  It's... probably too early to be saying it.  It's definitely too early.  You've been talking regularly for less than a full dim season; you've only wanted him for a few days.  It's too early, but it's bigger than anything you've ever felt before, and you know if you never told him face to face that you would regret it for the rest of your pathetic, lonely life.  And you think, from the shy glee in his otherwise dejected tone, that he feels the same.

You kiss him one last time, soft and quick, but there's no more hiding from it.  You can see Eridan behind Dave giving you a look, despite the fact that it clearly pains him to do so, and it's just barely the push you need.  You take Dave's hands and squeeze hard before letting go, your own hands trembling as you pick up your travelling possession container, heart in your throat.

You step onto the platform, and your last impressions of Earth are a gust of warm beachy air, a crowd chanting goodbye, and Dave's broken, teary smile.

Kanaya is waiting for you at the bustling transportaliser hub, sat off to a side looking as miserable as you feel.  She stands when you arrive, and wordlessly you pull one another into a tight, desperate embrace.  You should be embarrassed to be hugging in public - you're surrounded by trolls again, for fuck's sakes - but right now you can't bring yourself to give a shit.  No troll in the universe could understand what the two of you are going through right now.

It's a long time before you let each other go, hurriedly wiping your eyes and catching your breaths.  It's Kanaya who speaks first, doing an awful job of sounding like her normal self.

"Well, we... we should be going."  Her voice is tense and warbling and nothing at all like usual, and you absolutely don't comment.  You take her hand instead, looking around the hub for the signs to show where you're supposed to go.  It takes a moment for your brain to switch back to seeing Alternian signs everywhere instead of English, but you adjust quickly and spot the right direction, making your way through the hub to the next stop on the trail of transportalisers dotted around the universe, a constellation connecting to make your pathway home.

The universe is so full, and you are so alone.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

CG: I CAN PROBABLY BITCH AT ERIDAN TO LET ME VISIT AGAIN SOON.
CG: I WENT DOWN THERE ONCE AND IT WAS MOSTLY FINE SO SURELY IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL ANYMORE.
TG: god damn nook of steel
TG: idk how you can be so chill
TG: yeah hold on lemme go bitch at the giant fish dude with razor sharp teeth
TG: that guys scary as fuck
CG: FUCKING ERIDAN?!
CG: I MEAN I GUESS I CAN SEE IT.
CG: FROM A HUMAN PERSPECTIVE.
CG: BUT I PROMISE HE'S MOSTLY JUST AN IDIOT.
CG: YOU'VE SEEN HIS BLOG RIGHT?  HE'S MUSHIER THAN I AM.
TG: uh yeah ive seen his blog didnt he mention killing kanaya offhand one time
CG: OH THAT WAS SWEEPS AGO.
CG: DURING THE WAR.
CG: HE AND FEFERI BROKE UP FOR A WHILE, HE WENT ON A RAMPAGE LIKE A BIG FUCKING IDIOT.
CG: BUT SOLLUX STOPPED HIM AND OBVIOUSLY KANAYA WAS FINE.
CG: GRANTED WE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A RAINBOW DRINKER AT THE TIME.
CG: FUCK, WE DIDN'T KNOW RAINBOW DRINKERS WERE *REAL*.
CG: BUT EVERYONE CAME OUT OF THAT STUPID BULLSHIT JUST FINE AND HE'S STOPPED BEING SUCH A MONUMENTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE SO IT'S WHATEVER.
CG: THAT WAS FOREVER AGO THOUGH, IF PEOPLE STILL HELD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR SHIT I DID WHEN I WAS SIX NOBODY WOULD TALK TO ME EITHER.
TG: man
TG: youre so normal its so easy to forget how completely fucked troll culture can be
CG: DON'T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE, DAVE.
TG: oops fuck sorry
CG: NO, I'M KIDDING.
CG: THAT SHIT IS PRETTY FUCKED.
TG: between all the crazy violence and feeling shitty about the whole trollationships thing im almost survived you stuck it out on alternia for so long
TG: like
TG: i dunno man every time you talk about your life i kinda wanna say sorry for asking
CG: UGH, DON'T REMIND ME ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
CG: AT THIS POINT I FEEL LIKE I ALMOST NEED TO ISSUE A STUPID APOLOGY ON MY BLOG.
CG: FOR ALL THE SHIT I'VE TALKED ABOUT HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS OVER THE SWEEPS.
CG: YOUR MOVIES AND LITERATURE MAKE THEM SEEM SO PRIMITIVE AND SINGLE-FACETED.
CG: AND I THINK I MIGHT HAVE BEEN
CG: PROJECTING A LITTLE BIT.
TG: yeah i get you
TG: like
TG: other people have this thing i really want
TG: and i cant have it
TG: so ill call them stupid for having it
CG: I MEAN, I WOULDN'T PUT IT QUITE SO CRUDELY.
CG: BUT YEAH.
CG: UGH, I REALLY *AM* GOING TO HAVE TO PROSTRATE MYSELF AND FUCKING APOLOGISE, AREN'T I?
CG: I KNOW YOU AND I ARE INSENSITIVE AND SHIT-TALK EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME, BUT IT FEELS DIFFERENT DOING IT ON MY BLOG NOW.
CG: NOW THAT I GET IT.

TG: soooooooooooo karklesssssssss
TG: omg wait is that just daveys special name 4 u
TG: sry if it is lol
TG: karkey
TG: omg like car keys lololol
TG: karkalicious
TG: karkaroni & cheese
TG: haaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiii
CG: I PREFER KARKAT.
CG: WHICH IS MY FUCKING NAME.
CG: BUT UM.  HI.
TG: awwwwwwww sry bud ur family now that means u get a silly lil nickname frm meee :)
TG: kar-van
TG: OMG YASSSSSS
TG: there it is lololol
TG: kar-van
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT PUTTING THE STARTS OF MY NAMES TOGETHER.
CG: BUT FINE.  IT'S LESS NAUSEATING THAN THE OTHERS.
CG: WERE YOU MESSAGING ABOUT ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR, OR WAS THIS JUST A NICKNAMING SESSION?
TG: naw bud the nickname is just a bonus gift frm me 2 u!!!!!!!
TG: i jus wanted 2 check in
TG: i kno hes probably puttin up a face n shit but daveys rlllll bummed out abt u leavin
TG: figured ur probs p bummed 2
CG: OH.
CG: I MEAN. YES.
CG: I DIDN'T EXPECT TO LIKE EARTH AS MUCH AS I DID, BUT IT WAS HARD TO LEAVE.
CG: I DIDN'T EXPECT TO LIKE DAVE AS MUCH AS I DID EITHER.
TG: dawwwwww
TG: well if u ever need a human friend 2 vent 2 consider my dms open k?
CG: THANK YOU.

CA: hey strider
CA: you got a minute?
TG: yeah sup
TG: mr diplomat guy
CA: glubbin fuck call me eridan
CA: im flattered an all but wwere all friends here you dont gotta act all deferential an wwhatnot like humans all seem to wwanna
CA: nofin against humans obvviously but your politicians are exhaustin
CA: if it wwasnt for the internet id think humans had nevver even heard a casual convversation
TG: roger dodger
TG: im not even that kinda formal ass guy really
TG: my dad never taught me how to act around authority figures so i guess i kinda panic
TG: so sorry for being kinda weird i guess
CA: its cool
CA: my dad wwas a seahorse so 
TG: what the hell thats cool as fuck
TG: its so easy to forget you guys are just raised by giant animals
TG: wait what was karkats dad
CA: giant fuckin crab
TG: holy shit
CA: speakin a kar though
CA: i got a survvey thing wwe wwanna get you to fill in if thats cool
CA: feedback on howw the wwhole vvisit thing wwent an wwhatnot
CA: i mean its kinda fuckin obvvious but you knoww howw bureaucrats are
CA: wwant fuckin records a evveryfin
CA: nobodys evver done anyfin like this before so wwe wwanna get as much info as possible about howw evverything wwent
TG: sure
TG: i can do the hell outta a survey
TG: basically my answer to every question is gonna be it was dope as hell though
CA: hey data is data
CA: if dope as hell is the sum total a information wwe get then wwe havve confirmation it wwas dope as hell
CA: obvviously i cant say much about classified shit an wwhatnot
CA: but this wwhole process has taken swweeps just gettin the go ahead to TRY lettin civvilians hang out on earth
TG: oh yeah i remember the empress saying that
TG: in her speech thing
CA: yeah its been a fuckin task an a half
CA: thank you for makin sure it all wwent so smoothly by the wway
CA: almost couldnta been better
CA: so wwe wwanna learn an document evveryfin wwe can
CA: for future reference
TG: future reference
TG: like karkat coming back kinda future
CA: sorry strider
CA: classified shit
CA: an i gotta go
CA: got a meetin
CA: i emailed you the questionnaire though, just get it back to me wwhenevver you can
TG: fuck yes
TG: gonna do the hell outta this questionnaire
TG: answering questions and shit
TG: gonna put bring my alien boyfriend back for every answer
CA: glubbin fuck youre as bad as kar an lalonde
CA: they both been on my gills non fuckin stop
CA: i knoww it sucks but i really cant say anyfin
CA: just
CA: get the questionnaire done soon
TG: on it boss
TG: 🫡

TG: ok i know the proposal is a classic but fuck you for picking something so on the nose
CG: YEAH, I WASN'T REALLY EXPECTING IT TO BE THAT
CG: PERTINENT.
CG: SORRY.
TG: makin me cry like a douchebag
TG: waah waah i miss my dumb space boyfriend waah
CG: I MEAN.  SAME.
CG: BUT ALSO IF YOU KEEP MAKING FUN I WILL PUBLISH SCREENSHOTS OF YOU CRYING I SWEAR TO THE FUCKING MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS.
TG: wow so uncool
TG: puttin my puffy sobface out there for the world to see
CG: UGH.
CG: I MISS YOUR PUFFY SOBFACE.
TG: miss yours too
CG: I MISS EARTH.
CG: I DIDN'T EXPECT TO MISS *EARTH*.
CG: I WAS NORMAL THERE.
CG: NORMAL BLOOD COLOR.  NORMAL PAN-QUADRANT ATTRACTION.  NORMAL FUCKING EVERYTHING.
CG: I'VE NEVER BEEN NORMAL BEFORE.  I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE A FREAK, AND TERRIFIED BECAUSE OF IT.
CG: I DIDN'T THINK A PLACE EXISTED WHERE I COULD FEEL NORMAL.
CG: WHICH IS A FUCKING INSANE WAY TO FEEL ABOUT A PLANET WHERE THE PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT COLORED SKIN AND NO HORNS!  
CG: BUT HERE WE FUCKING ARE!
CG: KARKAT VANTAS, THE TROLL SO BAD AT BEING A TROLL THAT HE FEELS MORE AT HOME ON A LITERAL ALIEN PLANET!  FUCK!!!!!
TG: im sorry dude
TG: youll always be normal to me
CG: THAT SHOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING ROMANTIC COMING FROM THE MOST ABNORMAL PERSON I'VE EVER MET, BUT SOMEHOW YOU FUCKING MANAGED IT.
TG: <3
CG: <3

AC: :33 < *the huntress purrowls into akwetes human hive and sniffs the air*
AC: :33 < *she knows her purrey is close at hand and crouches down, wiggling her butt in the air ready to pounce*
AC: :33 < *even though her butt isn't nearly as impressive as akwete's*
TG: *akwete purrmusk peeks out from his hiding place at the badass meowbeast all up in his human hive*
TG: *he hunkers the fuck down behind his convenient hidingscreen while he assesses whether the huntress comes as friend or foe*
TG: *unfortunately his humongous ass is bulging the fuck out from behind the screen completely ruining all his efforts to be subtle and cool*
AC: :33 < *the huntress catches sight of her purrey and pounces claws furst on his impurressive backside!*
TG: *akwete rolls with the movement and uses ass-judo to twist the huntresss momentum against her and flip her into the wall*
AC: :33 < *the huntress whips around midair and springs off the wall for round two!!!!!*
TG: *akwete isnt fast enough this time and gets tackled flat onto his juicy rump*
TG: *bounces slightly on that thing like a moonhopper as hes landing*
TG: *he flails his arms all stupid spaghetti style but its too late man he is laid the fuck out at the huntresss mercy*
AC: >:33 < *the mighty huntress raises her paws and roars in triumph*
AC: :33 < *then she nuzzles akwete because it was a play tackle not a fighting one!*
AC: :33 < *the huntress frolics around akwete in circles to celebrate her victory*
TG: *akwete gets up and twerks around with the huntress in celebration*
TG: *throwin it back nastystyle*

GA: Do Not Think That I Did Not Notice You Getting Misty Eyed In The Caverns Today
GA: I Know That We Are Very Much In The Same Boat On This Matter But I Feel A Duty To Ask All The Same
GA: Are You Alright
CG: I MEAN.  YEAH, BASICALLY NEITHER OF US ARE ALRIGHT.
GA: Quite
CG: BUT UGH.  YEAH.
CG: ONE OF THE GRUBS JUST REMINDED ME OF THAT TALK SHOW GUY.
CG: ON EARTH.
GA: I Miss It Too
GA: I Know That The Matter Of Our Former Quadrant Has Become A Sticky One
GA: What With Our Ill Boundaried Human Relationships
GA: But I Hope That We Can Still Speak Freely As Friends On This Matter
GA: Seeing As There Is Nobody Else In The Universe Who Knows What We Are Experiencing
CG: YEAH.
CG: OF COURSE.
GA: To Borrow A Colloquialism From Daves Repertoire
GA: This Sucks Ass
CG: BIG TIME.
CG: I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE HOW UNHAPPY I WAS HERE UNTIL NOW.
CG: I MEAN, I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE JOB YOU GAVE ME.
CG: IT'S WAY BETTER THAN ANYTHING I'D BE DOING IN THE FUCKING FLEET.
CG: BUT 
CG: I'M SO SICK OF ALTERNIA.
CG: IT SUCKS HERE!  IT'S THE FUCKING WORST!  I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE FOR LIKE HALF THE YEAR, I'M A FREAK EVEN AMONG OTHER TROLLS, I CAN'T EVEN GET THAT FUCKING FRUIT SHIT THEY PUT ON THEIR BREAKFAST GRUBLOAF!
CG: I HATE IT HERE!  I DIDN'T THINK I DID, BUT I FUCKING DO!  
CG: UGH
CG: AND 
CG: I MISS DAVE.
CG: A FRANKLY FUCKING HUMILIATING AMOUNT.
CG: DON'T TELL HIM I SAID THAT.
GA: I Know How You Feel
GA: I Have Less Negative Feelings Towards Alternia Itself
GA: But I Did Enjoy The Experience Of Visiting Earth
GA: Mostly I Miss Rose
GA: You May Tell Her That I Said That
CG: IT'S SO SURREAL.
CG: EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FAST AND THEN WE WERE HOME, IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL.
GA: Yes Exactly
GA: And At The Same Time It Feels Like One Of The Most Real Things That Has Ever Happened To Me
GA: Like For A Brief Time We Stepped Into A Different Plane Of Existence
GA: And Now We Have Returned To Normal Life Changed Immutably
GA: And Yet The Rest Of The World Has Carried On Unaltered
CG: YES!  FUCKING EXACTLY!
CG: LIKE, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST FERRY WRIGGLERS BACK AND FORTH TO THE TRIALS LIKE IT'S A NORMAL NIGHT WHEN JUST A FEW NIGHTS AGO I WAS IN A DIFFERENT FUCKING GALAXY ON A DATE WITH AN ALIEN?!
GA: Indeed
GA: Making Conversation With The Other Jade Bloods Has Become
GA: Taxing
GA: As Well
CG: REALLY?
CG: THEY BARELY TALK TO ME, I DIDN'T REALISE THEY WERE TREATING YOU DIFFERENTLY.
GA: It Has Been A Mixed Experience
GA: Some Are Uncomfortably Curious
GA: I Have Had To Ward Off Some Frankly Obscene Questions
GA: Others Act As Though I Have Been Changed In Some Way
GA: Which I Suppose I Have
GA: Though Not In The Way They Seem To Think
GA: They Avoid Me As Though I Am In Some Way Infected
CG: FUCK.
CG: IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO NEEDS YELLING AT LET ME KNOW.
CG: NOT LIKE I WAS MAKING FRIENDS ANYWAY.
CG: MIGHT AS WELL GO ALL IN ON BEING THE WORKPLACE ASSHOLE AND RIP THE SHIT OUT OF ANYONE GIVING YOU A HARD TIME.
GA: The Gesture Is A Thoughtful One
GA: But Unnecessary
GA: And I Hate To Interrupt The Flow But
GA: It Is So Hard To Know Where The Boundaries Are Anymore
GA: But This Conversation Is Skewing A Little Pale
GA: Do You Think We Should Stop And Check In With Our Respective Human Partners
CG: FUCK.
CG: YEAH, PROBABLY.
CG: I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHERE ALL THAT STUFF STANDS WITH HUMANS.
CG: TO THEM IT'S JUST NORMAL FRIEND STUFF.
CG: BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THEY WOULD BE BOTHERED BY BEHAVIOUR THAT'S ROMANTIC TO *US* EVEN IF IT WOULDN'T BE ROMANTIC TO *THEM*.
CG: YOU KNOW?
GA: Yes That Is Also What I Was Thinking
GA: I Believe We Should Pause This Conversation And Reconvene At A Later Time
CG: YEAH.
GA: However I Must Impress Once More
GA: You Are Not Going Through This Alone
GA: We Will Find Ways To Support One Another That Are Appropriate In The Eyes Of Our Human Partners
CG: YEAH.
CG: YOU TOO.

CG: I KNOW IT KIND OF ISN'T A BIG DEAL FOR HUMANS.
CG: BUT I FELT LIKE I SHOULD TELL YOU.
CG: DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M FUCKING ELATED NOT TO BE DOING THE QUADRANT THING WITH YOU.
CG: BUT I DO THINK WE NEED TO NAIL DOWN WHERE WE STAND ON
CG: PLATONIC FEELINGS JAMS?
TG: yo for sure
TG: i wanted to talk about this too anyway
TG: because of human reasons
TG: like its totally normal for me to talk feelings shit with my friends and family
TG: itd be weird and like
TG: kinda rude
TG: if i didnt
TG: but if thats a cheating kind of thing for you
TG: idk man
TG: i cant like
TG: just not
TG: like
TG: sorry bff i know youre going through some major life changing shit but my boyfriend says i cant talk about feelings with anyone else
TG: so good luck with that i guess
TG: you know
CG: I MEAN
CG: UGH THIS IS EMBARRASSING TO ADMIT.
CG: I USED TO HAVE A REPUTATION
CG: UGH
CG: I USED TO HAVE A REPUTATION AS A "PALE SLUT", OKAY?
CG: I NEVER FILLED THE QUADRANT *PROPERLY* UNTIL KANAYA.
CG: GAMZEE BARELY COUNTS, SURE IT WAS "OFFICIAL", BUT I WAS MOSTLY TRYING TO STOP HIM KILLING PEOPLE RIGHT AT THAT PARTICULAR FUCKING MOMENT IN TIME.
CG: I'VE JUST ALWAYS HAD A REALLY HARD TIME SEEING SOMEONE WHO NEEDS SUPPORT AND GOING "HEY!  FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS!"
CG: SO I INEVITABLY WIND UP STOMPPRONGING THE LINE OF FALLING INTO PALE RELATIONSHIPS I SHOULDN'T.
CG: OR WORSE, GETTING INTO SITUATIONS WHERE PEOPLE ALMOST CHEAT ON THEIR MOIRAILS WITH ME.
CG: IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A PROBLEM.
TG: well dude
TG: by human standards that just makes you a good friend
TG: idk if it helps to hear that or what but
TG: yeah
TG: so if you wanna jam feelings with kanaya or whoever
TG: i wont mind
TG: would you mind if i do the same
CG: I MEAN
CG: NOT REALLY?
CG: I GET IT.
CG: I THINK I FEEL THE SAME.
TG: ok hear me out
TG: do trolls have like
TG: open relationships
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?
TG: i guess with all the quadrants to balance itd be a bit much or whatever
TG: already got four fuckin guys to deal with not like you need more
TG: but ok its like a human thing
TG: where you have like
TG: one relationship thats your main jam
TG: but you give each other permission to fuck other people if you wanna
TG: like its way more complicated than that
TG: but if we get into polyamory and swinging and shit well be here all day
TG: my point is
TG: we could do that for feelings jams
TG: which i guess is the way it would work normally in a human relationship
TG: but if youre looking at it through a lens of us being in all the quadrants
TG: we can say were open in the pale quadrant
TG: like still be each others main person
TG: but if we wanna get feelingsy with other people its chill
CG: OH.
CG: THAT SOUNDS
CG: PRETTY FUCKING IDEAL ACTUALLY.
TG: dope
TG: permission from my slutty slutty boyfriend to hoe the fuck out too
CG: NEVER FUCKING SAY THAT EVER AGAIN.

CG: SO THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT DAVE AND I DECIDED ON.
TT: Interesting.
TT: I appreciate you confiding in me about your attraction style.
TT: I understand that this is quite a difficult subject for trolls, likely somewhat analogous to homosexual attraction on Earth.
TT: Albeit somewhat more stigmatised than homosexuality in most of the world at this present time.
CG: YEAH DAVE MADE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME COMPARISON.
CG: IT'S WHY I FELT COMFORTABLE TELLING YOU.
CG: I HAVEN'T TOLD KANAYA YET.
CG: THOUGH I WILL.
CG: BUT I'D APPRECIATE IF IT COULD STAY BETWEEN US JUST FOR THE MOMENT.
TT: Of course.
TT: Your secret is safe with me.
CG: THAT'S KIND OF RELATED TO WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THOUGH.
CG: FROM WHAT I GATHER YOUR HUMAN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE SIMILAR TO MOIRAILLEGIANCE.
CG: IN AN IDEAL SITUATION, AT LEAST.
TT: That would be an appropriate analogy.
TT: However, close friendships can also fill the same role.
TT: We don't see emotional closeness and support as romantic, but as a sign of trust and camaraderie.
TT: Romantic partners would support one another in the same way as well, and in a healthy relationship those supportive friendships are allowed to continue unimpeded.
CG: YES, I HAD GATHERED THAT FROM MOVIES.
CG: FOR US A CONCILIATORY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP *CAN* INVOLVE FEELINGS JAMS.
CG: BUT IT'S PRIMARILY THE ROLE OF A MOIRAIL.
CG: AND THERE ARE NUANCES ABOUT WHAT EMOTIONAL STRUGGLES YOU DISCUSS WITH WHICH PARTNER.
CG: I COULD RECOMMEND YOU SOME MOVIES AND BOOKS THAT EXPLORE THE IDEA IN MORE DEPTH.
TT: I would find that fascinating, actually.
CG: BUT BECAUSE YOU SHARE GENETIC MATERIAL WITH FAMILY, YOU DON'T ENTER INTO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEM.
TT: No.
TT: There are a number of reasons, but the most pragmatic is that combining related genes can lead to abnormalities and health problems in future generations.
TT: For example; in some nightmarish timeline in which all good sense has been thrown to the wayside, were Dave and I to have a child that child would have essentially a double dose of susceptibility to any genetic defects we may share.
TT: However if we procreate outside of the family line those defects will instead be watered down by the other person's genes.
CG: THAT MAKES SENSE.
CG: THAT'S BASICALLY HOW THE GENETIC SLURRY WORKS FOR US, ALBEIT ON A MUCH LARGER SCALE.
TT: Yes, Kanaya has had several interesting things to say about the work you two do.
TT: I must admit it's one of the more alien parts of your culture to me, so it's been fascinating to hear about.
CG: THAT MAKES SENSE.
CG: I KEEP GETTING OFF TOPIC THOUGH.
CG: I WANTED TO ASK BASICALLY
CG: I KNOW KANAYA DOESN'T FEEL THE WAY I DO.
CG: ABOUT QUADRANTS, AND WANTING PEOPLE IN MORE THAN ONE.
CG: HAVE YOU TWO FIGURED OUT WHERE YOU'RE DRAWING THOSE LINES?
CG: I DON'T WANT TO GO TRAMPLING THE FUCK OVER THEM LIKE A RAMPAGING HOOFBEAST.
TT: We're still discussing boundaries, honestly.
TT: The distance between us makes matters stickier, as you well know.
CG: YEAH.
TT: She finds it quite alien to experience essentially matespritship and moiraillegiance with the same partner.
TT: It's lead to some
TT: Difficult conversations.
TT: But we're working through them.
TT: Likewise, I think I would find it difficult were she to develop a relationship with someone in another quadrant.
TT: But we've discussed a few different outcomes should that occur.
TT: For now we've committed to figuring out what feels right as we go.
TT: Am I to understand that you and Dave have ruled out the possibility of you and Kanaya formally rekindling your moiraillegiance?
CG: PRETTY MUCH.
CG: BUT IN AN INFORMAL CAPACITY DISCUSSING FEELINGS IS FINE.
TT: I must admit that's a relief to hear.
TT: Ideally I would pursue the same kind of arrangement with her.
TT: But I understand that it feels very different to you.
TT: More natural.
CG: YEAH.
CG: WHEN I TELL HER I CAN KIND OF
CG: TRY TO STEER THINGS THAT WAY I GUESS?
CG: IF IT WOULD HELP YOU?
TT: You don't have to do anything.
TT: I certainly don't want her to think we've been colluding behind her back.
CG: I MEAN YEAH.
CG: BUT IF SHE ASKS HOW IT'S GOING.
TT: Then that would be much appreciated.

TA: fiine ii got curiiou2
TA: iim goiing to watch your 2tupiid moviie2
TG: holy shit for real
TA: dont get two exciited
TA: ii only added you 2o ii could tell you what bull2hiit they are
TA: ii need two 2ee iif there2 2ome kiind of 2ubliimiinal programmiing you u2ed two hypnotii2e kk iintwo toleratiing the a22hole who brought the2e thiing2 intwo exii2tence
TG: oh theres hella hypnosis
TG: i was making them like
TG: i bet somewhere out in space theres this weird shouty guy
TG: with stumpy ass horns and the plushest rump in the universe
TG: and im gonna make him mine
TG: i bet this scene of a guy puking on a squirrel will do it
TA: that2 the 2tupiide2t 2hiit iive ever heard
TG: hell yeah dude thats my brand
TG: welcome to the stupid shit cinematic universe

TG:
CG: I THINK YOU MEANT
TG: well i was close lol
CG: SURPRISINGLY, NOT ENTIRELY UNTRUE.
CG:
TG: my
TG: donkey?
TG: is empty?
CG: YOU'LL GET THERE.
TG: making me put dirty talk through GOOgle translate is cruel and unusual punishment dude

EB: so how's the script coming along?
TG: fresh as hell
TG: shit so fresh its like they juiced it straight from the tree
TG: goin round the orchard milkin the apples like the juiciest of cow tits
TG: execs take a sip of the script and go damn
TG: this shits so fresh its like im chompin down on a delicious honeycrisp
TG: and im like jokes on you bitch
TG: its a script
TG: why are you tryna drink it
EB: oh my god dude that made even less sense than usual
EB: which i'll take to mean the script is fucking dog shit?
EB: and not in the usual way?
TG: yeah pretty much
TG: i keep tryna write but it all just winds up like
TG: sad emo loser shit
TG: i just canned a whole fuckin storyline about hella jeff falling in love with the literal fucking sun
TG: he uses a catapult to try and launch himself up there so he can fuck it
TG: man now that i say that its actually kinda dope
TG: didnt clear my trash can yet fuck yes
EB: dude!
EB: that's so romantic!!!
TG: ew shut up
TG: im cool and awesome
TG: i dont write mushy shit about how i miss my alien boyfriend
TG: i write cool and awesome shit about dudes fuckin celestial bodies for completely unrelated reasons
EB: nooooooooope, busted!
EB: karkat got you dude you can't hide any more!
EB: your movies mean shit and every one knows it!
EB: which means i know your next movie is gonna be about being gay and sad!!!!!
TG: damn owned
TG: you got my ass
TG: yeah theres p much no way the next movie isnt gonna be about being gay and sad
TG: feeling pretty fuckin owned right now
EB: ugh sorry
EB: i didn't mean to be an asshole
EB: there's nothing wrong with writing a movie about being gay and sad!!!!!!
EB: and if you need some one to talk to about being gay and sad you know i'm always here!
TG: yeah i know
TG: thanks dude
TG: fuck sorry
TG: habit
TG: wack that english doesnt really have gender neutral filler epithets like that
TG: thanks person
EB: lol you dumb ass
EB: actually i've been thinking a bit more
EB: uhhhhhhhh
EB: i don't know how to say it!  i'm still figuring all this stuff out as i go really!!!!!
EB: i never really thought about gender before!!!!!!
EB: or like
EB: i never realised that i was not thinking about it on purpose?
EB: if that makes sense?
EB: so i'm still kind of figuring out what i DO think about that stuff
EB: since i was so used to not thinking about it!
EB: but uh
EB: my point was
EB: maybe you could try out like, 'girl'
EB: instead of 'dude'?
EB: i just want to try it out i don't know yet!!!!!
EB: is that okay?
TG: hell fucking yes
TG: that is so many different kinds of okay girl
TG: whatever works for you
TG: just keep me in the loop
TG: and yell at my dumb ass if i fuck up out of habit
EB: hehe okay
EB: thanks dave
TG: no prob girlie
EB: ew no i hate girlie
EB: i think girl is nice though!!!!!
TG: get it gurl
EB: dave!!!!!!

AT: sO, uH, i WAS CURIOUS,,,
AT: wHAT IS IT LIKE,
AT: bEING IN A HUMAN RELATIONSHIP,
AT: oR, sORRY
AT: i SHOULDN'T ASSUME
AT: aRE YOU IN A HUMAN RELATIONSHIP,
AT: wITH STRIDER,
AT: oR DID THE TWO OF YOU LAND ON A QUADRANT,
CG: HOLY FUCK HAVE YOU NOT SEEN ANY OF THE THOUSAND POSTS WE'VE MADE ABOUT THIS?
CG: WE'RE NOT TELLING PEOPLE.  
CG: IT'S NOBODY'S FUCKING BUSINESS WHETHER WE'RE IN A QURADRANT OR NOT.
AT: oH,
AT: i THOUGHT THAT WAS ONLY FOR, tHE NEWS I SUPPOSE,
AT: nOT FRIENDS,
AT: i APOLOGISE, fOR NOT RESPECTING YOUR PRIVACY,
CG: FUCK, NO, I'M SORRY FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE.
CG: I'M ON GUARD ABOUT THIS SHIT *BECAUSE* OF THE NEWS.
CG: AND THE FANS.
CG: AND THE FUCKING ENDLESS PUBLICITY.
CG: IT'S FLATTERING, I GUESS, BUT MOSTLY IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO HIDE LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF IN A BOX AND BURY THAT BOX IN A DITCH AND COVER THE DITCH IN CONCRETE SO NOBODY WILL EVER BE ABLE TO FUCKING FIND THAT SHIT OUT.
AT: oH,,,
AT: tHAT SOUNDS, qUITE AWFUL ACTUALLY,
CG: QUITE FUCKING AWFUL IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
AT: i DIDN'T WANT TO ASK FOR SNOOPING REASONS,
AT: i JUST,
AT: uH, 
AT: i WAS CURIOUS, aBOUT IF YOU WERE MAYBE,
AT: dOING HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS,
AT: bECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THEM INTERESTING,
CG: UGH, OKAY, *PROMISE* YOU WON'T TALK ABOUT THIS?  
CG: EVEN TO OUR FRIENDS?  I HAVEN'T TOLD EVERYONE.  FUCK, I'VE HARDLY TOLD ANYONE.
CG: BUT YEAH, WE'RE PRETTY MUCH DOING THE HUMAN THING.
CG: AND I DON'T
CG: FUCK IT'S SO HARD TO SAY.
CG: I DON'T THINK I DO QUADRANTS
CG: I MEAN, EVEN IF DAVE AND I DON'T WORK OUT.
CG: I DON'T THINK I CAN DO ONE QUADRANT RELATIONSHIPS.
CG: I ALWAYS WANT MORE.
CG: WHICH I KNOW MAKES ME A HUGE ASSHOLE BY TROLL STANDARDS BUT IT MAKES ME NORMAL BY HUMAN ONES AND I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE ALL THE TIME JUST BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT'S A NORMAL ASS PART OF ME.
CG: SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME SHIT SAVE YOUR FUCKING BREATH BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
AT: oH,
AT: tHAT WAS ACTUALLY, uH, tHE THING THAT WAS THE THING THAT I WANTED TO ASK ABOUT,
AT: wELL NOT EXACTLY, pERTAINING TO YOU PERSONALLY, aND THE NATURE OF YOUR PERSONAL ATTRACTIONS,,,
AT: wHICH, iS YOUR BUSINESS, aND NOT mINE, aND ALSO, nOT A THING THAT I SEE ANY REASON TO JUDGE,
AT: i MOSTLY WANTED TO ASK,
AT: wHAT IS IT LIKE,
AT: dOING MORE THAN ONE QUADRANT TOGETHER,,,
CG: UH
CG: IT'S
CG: REALLY GOOD?
CG: I MEAN IT WAS CONFUSING AT FIRST AND IT FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT.
CG: HE WOULD GO FROM THE WORST AND MOST OBNOXIOUS PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER MET TO JUST KIND OF A COOL GUY TO COMPLETELY FUCKING WRETCHED AND DESPERATE TO BE PILED WITH IN THE SPACE OF LIKE A MINUTE.
CG: IT WAS EXHAUSTING AND TERRIFYING AND I KIND OF
CG: HATED HOW MUCH I LIKED IT.
CG: BUT OBVIOUSLY WE SORTED THINGS OUT
CG: AND NOW IT'S GREAT.
CG: WE JUST KIND OF GO WITH THE FLOW AND MATCH EACH OTHER'S ENERGY.
CG: IT FEELS NATURAL
AT: i SEE,
AT: i WAS WONDERING BECAUSE,
AT: uH,
AT: wELL,
AT: iT'S NOT EXACTLY THAT, aND I DON'T THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT EITHER OF US WOULD BE, uH, nATURALLY INCLINED TO, tHE WAY THAT YOU APPARENTLY ARE,
AT: wHICH IS, a THING THAT IS GREAT, fOR YOU TO BE,
AT: bUT IT SOUNDS SORT OF LIKE,
AT: mE AND GAMZEE,
AT: aRE LIKE THAT,
AT: a LITTLE BIT,,,
CG: WHAT THE FUCK???????
AT: i MEAN NOT, uH, aLL OF THEM,
AT: wE DON'T HATE EACH OTHER,
AT: bUT YOU KNOW, uH, wHAT HE IS LIKE,,,
AT: wE ARE MATESPRITS, ON PAPER,
AT: bUT HE NEEDS A MOIRAIL, tO KEEP HIM LEVEL,
AT: (wHICH, wAS NOT, iNTENDED AS A DIG)
AT: (i KNOW THAT YOU HAD GOOD REASONS, tO BREAK UP, aND IT WASN'T EVER GOING TO BE PERMANENT,)
AT: (i AM JUST STATING, a THING THAT IS A FACT, aBOUT GAMZEE,,,)
CG: IT'S FINE.
CG: I GOT THAT.
CG: AND YOU'RE NOT WRONG.
AT: tHANK YOU, FOR THE UNDERSTANDING,
AT: bUT OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN'T HAVE A MOIRAIL, rIGHT NOW,
AT: aND I DON'T REALLY THINK HE IS, iNTERESTED IN FINDING ONE,
AT: hE MOSTLY JUST, uH, wANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME,
AT: wHICH IS NICE,
AT: bUT WHEN HE DOES NEED A MOIRAIL,
AT: i SORT OF,,,
AT: uH,,,,,,,,,,,
AT: dO THAT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
AT: aND THEN WE GO BACK TO BEING MATESPRITS,
AT: iT'S NOT VACILLATING, rEALLY, sINCE WE DON'T REALLY ACTUALLY CHANGE QUADRANTS, fOR REAL,
AT: bUT, uH, i WONDERED, iF IT WAS SORT OF,,,
AT: mAYBE,
AT: sIMILAR TO THE HUMAN THING,,,
CG: OH
CG: FUCKING REALLY SIMILAR ACTUALLY IT SOUNDS LIKE.
CG: YEAH.
CG: HUMANS DON'T REALLY GO IN FOR KISMESISSITUDE LIKE, AT ALL.
CG: IF THEY HATE SOMEONE THEY JUST WANT TO AVOID THEM.
CG: UNLESS THEY'RE IDIOTS.
CG: LIKE STRIDER.
CG: BUT THAT'S MOSTLY WHAT THEY'RE LIKE.
CG: LIKE, RED AND PALE ROMANCE BOTH COME AS A PACKAGE DEAL, YOU CAN'T BE RED WITHOUT ALSO BEING PALE.
AT: oH,,,
CG: BUT THEN THEY'RE ALSO PALE WITH *ALL* OF THEIR FRIENDS.
CG: WHICH TOOK A LOT OF GETTING USED TO.
CG: BUT YEAH UH
CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE BASICALLY NORMAL BY HUMAN STANDARDS.
AT: oH,,,
AT: tHAT IS, uH,
AT: nICE TO HEAR, aCTUALLY, i THINK,
AT: i HAD WORRIED, tHAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK WE'RE WEIRD,
AT: wHICH, i GUESS WE STILL ARE,
AT: bUT I DON'T MIND IT,
AT: i SUPPOSE,
AT: aND IT IS NICE TO KNOW, tHAT THERE ARE PEOPLE, wHO WOULD THINK THAT THIS IS NORMAL,,,
AT: aND NOT TO BE PRESUMPTUOUS, bUT, 
AT: iT IS NICE TO KNOW, tHAT YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE,,,
CG: YEAH.
CG: IT'S
CG: IT'S REALLY FUCKING NICE ACTUALLY.
CG: KNOWING I'M NOT THE ONLY TROLL LIKE THIS.
CG: EVEN IF IT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME FOR YOU.
CG: IT'S NICE.
AT: i MEAN, gAMZEE DOESN'T WANT ANOTHER MOIRAIL,
AT: i DON'T REALLY THINK I NEED ONE, oR A KISMESIS,
AT: i'VE NEVER REALLY HATED ANYONE LIKE THAT,
AT: sOMETIMES I DON'T THINK I CAN,
AT: lIKE I'M NOT, wIRED THAT WAY,,,
AT: i MEAN, iF I NEVER MANAGED TO HATE VRISKA
AT: dESPITE, uH, eVERYTHING,,,,,,,,
AT: i THINK THAT MAYBE,,, 
AT: i JUST CAN'T HATE PEOPLE,
AT: aND IF GAMZEE EVER DID HATE ANYONE, uHHHHHH,,,
AT: i GUESS I WOULD HAVE TO AUSPISTICE THAT, sO THAT NOBODY WOULD GET,
AT: kILLED, PROBABLY,
AT: wHICH, dOESN'T SOUND TERRIBLE TO DO FOR HIM, aCTUALLY,
AT: sO,,,
AT: iT'S NOT, uH, EXACTLY THE SAME,
AT: bUT I THINK, iT'S CLOSE,
CG: YEAH.
AT: yOU SHOULD, uH,
AT: mAYBE,,,
AT: tALK TO GAMZEE SOMETIME?
AT: hE MISSES YOU, aS A FRIEND,
AT: hE'S A LOT CALMER NOW,
AT: hE BARELY NEEDS THE SOPOR ANYMORE, tO KEEP HIMSELF STABLE,
AT: hE'S COME A REALLY LONG WAY, aND I THINK HE WOULD BE HAPPY, tO CALL YOU A FRIEND AGAIN,
CG: I
CG: I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
CG: I REALLY AM HAPPY FOR YOU TWO THOUGH.
CG: YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD FOR EACH OTHER.
CG: AND
CG: I'M GLAD
CG: THAT YOU'RE LIKE ME.

caligulasAquarium [CA] opened memo on board GOVVERNMENT SECRETS DONT EVVEN FUCKIN THINK A TELLIN ANYONE SHITHEADS.

CG: WOW, AGGRESSIVE MUCH?  NO NEED TO FUCKING SHOUT.
CA: shut up kar this is straight up illegal us tellin you this shit so early
CA: wwere basically bankin on none a you dipshits snitchin an ruinin it for yourselvves
TG: yo snitchin bout what
TG: whatever it is consider my lips zipped
TG: tattleflaps closed for business over here at hivestem de strider
GA: Yes You Have Piqued My Curiosity Enough Such As To Prevent My Immediately Evacuating This Memo
GA: Due To The Identity Of Its Instigator
TT: Though I am hesitant to get my hopes up, the combination of people included in this memo raises particular questions regarding the nature of said "GOVVERNMENT SECRETS".
TT: A lady ought not pry though.
CA: like you assholes aint been glubbin my fuckin fins off about it since the moment kar an kan left
CA: all four a you but especially you an kar
CA: not sayin any spefishfics til fef is here but believve me im awware you all wwanna do a round two an i am reely lookin forward to not gettin a dozen messages about it evvery fuckin night
TG: spefishfics sucks ass dude sry
GA: Are You Implying What I Think You Are
CA: kan i been workin my nubs off for ya
CA: i knoww buryin hatchets aint that easy but i really hope this goes some wway
CA: not that this is about that it aint
CA: but ya knoww
CA: im tryin
CG: CALM YOUR FUCKING GLOBES ERIDAN.
CG: HOW MANY OF THOSE BURNED HUMAN ENERGY DRINKS HAVE YOU HAD?
CA: normal amount
CG: GO TAKE A FEW FUCKING BREATHS.  AND STOP GUZZLING THAT SHIT, IT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOU.
CA: wwoww kar i knoww im a catch but fef is in this memo evven if she aint online yet
CA: an wwhat evven happened wwith you an kan
CA: nobody wwill fill me on on that wwhole situation
CA: i nevver get ta just fuckin chat wwith a friend anymore lets catch up wwhile wwe wwait
CC: I'M ) (---------ER-----------------E!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GA: Hello Feferi
GA: It Has Been Too Long
GA: Thank You For Rescuing Us From That Particular Conversational Pathway
TG: sup
TG: your majesty
CC: Dave!  I told you you don't ) (ave to call me t) (at!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CC: Just Feferi is fine!!!!
TT: Hello, Feferi.
TT: It is an honour to meet you again.
CC: Oh my gos) (!!!  I know it's reely important to ) (umans to be deferential to t) (eir leaders but I promfis) ( I'm not pike that!!!!!  We're all fronds ) (ere!!!!!!!
TG: thanks your majesty
CG: DAVE STOP BEING A FUCKING WEIRD ASSHOLE.
TG: dude i call all my friends your majesty im not being weird
TG: youre being weird
TG: your majesty
CC: ) (---E----E ) ( -----E-------E!!!!!!!!!
CC: You're funny!!!!! 38D
CA: wwe only got a feww minutes before your next meetin fef
CA: sorry to hustle ya but wwe got a schooldule
CC: Awww, boo 38(
CA: alright wwe should preface that youll all be gettin offishial contacts about this in the next feww days anywway
CA: but wwe wwanted to break the newws personally
CC: Eridan ) (as been working SOOOOO ) (ard on this!!!!!!!!!!!!
CC: I mean me too but mostly ) (im!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CA: awwww thanks fef
CA: youvve been doin heaps too though
CG: YES YES WE GET IT YOUR MOIRAILLEGIANCE IS SOME FUCKING HOW THE STRONGEST IT'S EVER BEEN AND YOU LOVE AND RESPECT EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.  CONGRATULATIONS.
CG: HOWEVER I CAN ONLY ASSUME THE PURPOSE OF DRAGGING THE REST OF US INTO THIS SHITSHOW OF A MEMO WAS *NOT* TO SEE WHO WOULD PUKE FIRST FROM WATCHING YOU PAP EACH OTHER RAW IN FRONT OF US!
CG: AND SINCE FEFERI APPARENTLY HAS A MEETING IN A MATTER OF MINUTES
CG: MIGHT I REQUEST THAT YOU GET TO THE FUCKING POINT?
TG: dude you forgot to say your majesty
TG: if youre gonna shit talk the queen be respectful
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE.
CC: ) (---------E------------E ) ( -----------E---------------E!!!!!!!!!
CC: Karpkatfis) ( you're still so funny w) (en you're mad!!!!!!!!!
CA: okay okay yeah lets get to the fuckin point
CA: much as id lovve to shoot the shit like old times wwe really do havve shit to do
CA: fef wanna do the honours?
CC: No, no, you s) (ould tell t) (em!!!!!!!!!!
GA: Could Somebody Please Just Tell Us Something
GA: Literally Anything At All
CA: youre goin back to earth
CA: i mean
CA: if you wwanna
CG: WHAT THE FUCK
TG: what
GA: Excuse Me?
CA: okay okay okay so 
CA: rewwind
CC: We've been working on ways to improve our relationS) (IP wit) ( ) (umans for SWEEPS!!!!!
CC: Diplomacy takes FOR----EV-------------ER!!!!! 38(
CA: yeah it fuckin does
CA: especially wwhen you got the damn aftermath a a failed invvasion to ovvercome
CA: so after wwe stopped condy takin ovver earth needless ta say the higher ups wwerent too keen on havvin a buncha trolls runnin round
CA: took like a swweep to evven get em ta let us set up the first embassy
CA: got a feww now but evven then the only trolls on earth havve been diplomats wwho come an go like me
CA: an same for humans on the fleet
CC: But things ) (ave been going W------ELL!!!!  And we all agreed it was aboat time to take t) (e next step!!!!
CA: wwhich wwould be civvilians vvisitin
CG: OH.
CC: Y---------EAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CC: You two were P-----ERC) (F--------ECT for the test run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CA: wwe wwanted it to be someone wwe kneww
CA: so wwe could safely predict howw shit wwould go
CA: wwhich naturally wwasnt howw shit happened at ALL
CA: but wwe wwere pretty confident you wwerent goin on a krillin spree at least
GA: A Thing You Would Know About
CA: kan i really am sorry but im in the middle a tryna do you the favvour of a fuckin century here
CA: you can go back to bein pissed at me for the rest a our livves after this
GA: I Am Listening
CC: We ) (ad already been talking aboat w) (ic) ( of our fronds would be best suited to be t) (e first visitors!
CC: Kanaya, you were on our s) (ort list already!
CA: but then the wwhole shit wwith kars blog blowwin up happened an it wwas kinda the opportunity wwe had been wwaitin for
CG: WAS I NOT ON YOUR SHORT LIST?
TT: Merely an observation, but I don't believe you have the most ambassadorial personal manner, by human standards.
CG: HUMAN STANDARDS ARE STUPID.
TG: hell yeah fuck the system
TG: your majesty
CC: ANEMONEWAY!!!!!!!!
CC: We ) (eard aboat Dave's movie premiere t) (ingy and it was -------EXACTLY w) (at we were looking for!!!!!!!
CA: lotsa public vvisibility an good press
CA: people on earth already LIKED kar bein an asshole for some fuckin reason
CA: so wwe didnt havve to wworry so much about him blowwin up
CA: exactly the situation wwe wwere tryna find
CG: AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL US WE WERE THE CHIRPBEASTS IN THE URANIUM MINES BECAUSE....?
CC: Well, we didn't want to finfluence your experience!!!!!!!!!
CC: We wanted an aut) (entic look at w) (at it could be like if ) (umans and trolls lived alongside beac) ( other!!!!!!
TT: I see.
TT: Well, as one of the uninformed participants in your study, might I surmise that you found it successful?
CA: better than wwe wwere hopin for
CA: evven wwith wwhat happened at that stupid fuckin evvent ovverall the wwhole trip wwas a success
CA: an not to be cold about it but that shit honestly helped a lot
CA: got humans wwho wwere on the fence about seein aliens wwanderin round feelin sympathetic for em
CA: absolute fuckin GOLD as far as good press goes
CC: People on Eart) ( LOV------------E Karpkat and Kanaya!!!!!!!!!!!!
GA: Well That Is Nice To Hear
GA: I Presume The "GOVVERNMENT SECRETS" Were Not Just That People Like Us However
GA: I Was Rather Aware Of That Fact Already
GA: Just Yesterday I Received An Invitation To The Next Met Gala
CA: wwell hold onto that shit kan
CA: since the pilot program wwent so wwell wwe got the earthsiders to movve ahead wwith phase twwo
CA: wwhich is openin tourism vvisas for civvilians wwho wwanna vvisit
CA: an movvin towwards full immigration pathwways
TG: yo
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?!
CA: givven your status obvviously youll be givven front a the line for vvisa applications if thats wwhat you wwant
CA: but wwe got a juicier offer
CC: You'll ) (ave plenty of time to t) (ink aboat t) (is!  Don't eel like you ) (ave to say yes or no rig) (t away!!!!!!!!!!!
CC: But a few of t) (e diplomats will be taking up permanent ) (ives on Eart) ( to kelp visiting trolls find t) (eir ways around and generally support t) (em!!!!!
CA: an wwe wwanna offer you both the job too
CG: SO
CG: MOVING TO EARTH PERMANENTLY?
CC: You've got time to decide!  I know it's an ----------E-------ELY big decision!!!!!!!! And you bot) ( already ) (ave important jobs on Alternia!
CG: I'M GOING.
CA: damn that wwas quick
CC: Are you s) (ore?
CG: YES.
CG: I DON'T FIT IN ON ALTERNIA WITH THE JADEBLOODS.
CG: I WOULDN'T FIT IN ON THE FLEET, EVEN ON YOUR SHIP.
CG: EARTH'S THE FIRST PLACE I'VE EVER *LIKED* BEING.
CG: HOW SOON CAN I MOVE?
CA: wwe got a shitload a dumb bureaucracy shit ta do first unfortunately
CA: howw aboat you kan
GA: Well
GA: I
GA: Feel Quite Differently To Karkat Regarding Our Work And Life On Alternia
GA: But
GA: I Will Have To Think
GA: Rose Can We Discuss This Privately Please
TT: I think that would be for the best.  Are there any other essentials we should know?
CA: nah thats aboat the shoal of it
TT: Well, then.  You'll forgive the somewhat shellshocked tone and abrupt departure, but...
TT: Thank you.
TT: I have no doubt this has taken more work than I can fathom.
CC: S) (----ELLS) (OCK-----ED!!!!!  FAT) (OM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 38D
CC: I pike you, Roe-se!
TT: I hoped you would appreciate those.
TT: However now I think we will make our departure.
TT: Kanaya and I have a lot to discuss.
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo.
GA: Yes.
GA: Thank You Both
CA: happy ta help kan
GA: Thank You
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased responding to memo.
CG: WELL THAT WAS BOTH MYSTERIOUS AND TOUCHING BUT PRACTICAL CONCERNS.
CG: HOW LONG DOES A SHITLOAD OF BUREAUCRACY TAKE?
CA: probably a feww seasons
CA: wwe gotta draww up all the legal shit an put the restrictions an requirements wwe been discussin dowwn on paper
CA: you both qualify dont wworry
CA: an the humans gotta approvve the criteria wwe sent them for humans vvisitin the fleet 
CA: thats gonna be a slowwer process cause its a bit more dangerous up here
CA: but wwere wworkin on it
CA: speakin of fef you gotta go
CA: i can finfish up here
CC: OOPS!  T) (anks Eridan!!!!!!!  
CC: BY---E KARPKAT!!!!!!!!!!! BY-----E DAV---------------E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TG: bye your radiant majestic royal highness
CC: 3>8O!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased responding to memo.
CG: SO WHAT CAN WE DO TO SPEED THIS SHIT UP?
CA: wwell on your end the next thing is
CA: sometime in the next feww nights youll get an offishial vversion a this briefin in some borin bullshit legal talk nobody cares about
CA: youll probably havve to sign some shit or wwhatevver
CA: you an kan havve already been approvved by both govvernments though its just a matter a you twwo signin on 
CA: then once wwe finish up the last a the legal crap itll be announced publicly
CA: therell probably be some kinda media fanfare wwhen you actually make your movve
CA: more tvv appearances an shit sorry
CA: youre the poster boy for intergalactic peace an shit wwe gotta keep that good press rollin
CA: you too davve
TG: sure
TG: sign me up
TG: ill do all the tv interviews and then some
TG: you tell me to waggle my bare ass on tomorrow morning tonight and ill do it
TG: just say the word mr fish troll sir
CA: as much fun as that wwould be i dunno howw kar feels about you porpoisitionin me like that
CG: HE'S NOT PROPOSITIONING ANYONE.  HE'S JUST AN OBNOXIOUS PIECE OF SHIT.
TG: yeah that
CG: I'LL DO IT THOUGH, WHATEVER TV BULLSHIT I HAVE TO.
CG: SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.
CA: youre a lifesavver kar
CA: wevve been stressin about this wwhole program for swweeps
CA: an at this point if anyone can sell the idea to the human public its you
CA: both a you
TG: hell yes
TG: i am so fucking in
TG: operation sell shit to humans is go
TG: gonna be out here hockin ideas to humans left and right
TG: like some kinda mlm mom
TG: mom loving mom
TG: get all the moms round
TG: get lit af on mimosas
TG: maybe make out a lil
TG: and bam susan down the road walks away with a hundred fuckin bucks of makeup
TG: except in this case susan is all of humanity and the overpriced cosmetics are hot aliens
CG: HEY ERIDAN I JUST CHANGED MY MIND, I'M GOOD STAYING RIGHT THE FUCK WHERE I AM ACTUALLY.
CA: glubbin hell you twwo gotta stop bein so adorable
CA: or actually keep it up
CA: that shit does wwonders for publicity
CA: dont suppose youd consider rebloggin a photo a you kissin wwith some kinda sappy comment
TG: on it boss 🫡 
CG: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

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