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All relationships require compromise. This didn’t suit Adam well, he wasn’t fond of compromise. So, when Nigel had asked to take him out on a “proper date,” Adam had been skeptical, upset, even, as Nigel had described him. What the hell was a “proper date” even supposed to mean? Well, apparently to Nigel that meant going out to some fancy diner and eating steak only to wash it down with expensive liquor.
He'd told Adam that he enjoyed such stuff and wanted to share it with his boyfriend too. Adam hadn’t seen how that was supposed to make sense but then his counterpart had made a compelling argument, for he knew Adam felt the exact same way too. There was a reason why he dragged Nigel around the city to look at stars and talk about space after all. So, while Adam wasn’t fond of bustling restaurants and fancy clothes, he was fond of cheap mac n cheese at a place he was familiar with, infodumping on anyone willing, and his partner, who took advantage of all this.
The plan was to work up, figure out being away from home, the places he knew, wasn’t all bad. It had been why he’d come to California in the first place.
And that’s how Adam found himself a few paces outside said restaurant, wire headphones in his pocket and Nigel pressed in close. It was dark outside already and he felt emerged in shadow, almost shielding the two of them from the rest of the world.
Nigel had given him a peck on the lips, but that didn’t seem to satisfy either of them, so then one kiss turned to two and suddenly his hands were of Nigel’s cheeks, pressing them close. Nigel’s own drifted from his back to his ribs, sliding under his jacket to rest on his waist, just over his button down. Adam grimaced and awkwardly pulled away, grabbing both of Nigel’s wrists and placing them on his shoulders, moving back to press another kiss onto his lips. “Sorry,” he said into their kiss and pulled away once more, his cheeks flushed.
“No, its fine,” Adam said, rather matter of factly, “my sides are just kind of sensitive, so you have to be firmer. Otherwise, it just feels wrong.” He demonstrated by grabbing Nigel’s biceps and squeezing them slightly. He just stared back, darting back and forth between Adam’s eyes, who just looked between his own. “Alright,” he said finally.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s alright.” He gave a quick squeeze to Adam’s shoulders and moved to pull away. “We should get home.” Adam agreed, excited to continue where they’d left off in the privacy of their own apartment.
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It had been almost two weeks since Adam and Nigel had gone on their dinner date, and they’d increasingly went out more. Adam was actually starting to enjoy it too, being out. It had also been almost two weeks since they’d had to stop their make out session. Adam was quite pleased when the evening continued the way he’d hoped and was even more content after the night was over. However, it didn’t seem their conversation had made much difference, since when Nigel had leaned over to kiss Adam on the cheek in the middle of their documentary series (a new episode had just come out,) he’d placed a soft hand on Adam’s waist. “Why do you do that?,” he said, eyes glued to the screen. “hm? Do what?” Nigel glanced at his profile.
“Touch my waist and-and stomach.”
He reached over to pause the episode, looking at his abdomen for demonstration.
“Oh.. I’m sorry.” Nigel sounded somewhat down, ashamed. “I didn’t ask you to apologize, I don’t necessarily mind. You’re usually very accommodating when it comes to my needs. I’m just wondering why this is different.” He sought out Nigel’s eyes with his own.
“Oh”
Silence
“I suppose I don’t really know.”
And that was that. Adam hummed and turned on the tv again, relaxing into the couch as he grabbed Nigel’s hand with his own.
He was already familiar with most of what they were saying, but the repetition was calming and hearing it in new contexts allowed him to become even more casual with it. He liked that. When he spoke about something and was 100% sure about everything, capable of explaining it in different ways too. Being able to dumb down his fun facts was harder than you’d expect, but this was helping. And comforting for that matter.
And sometimes, new research would prove or disprove theories, and he liked to know as soon as possible so he didn’t lie to people. Even if Nigel said lying didn’t mean telling people things that weren’t true, unless you were doing it on purpose. And since he’d never do that, technically that was just him making a mistake. But Adam didn’t like mistakes, whether they were considered lying or not, so he still felt really bad whenever he misspoke, even if it wasn’t important. Like when people asked what he’d done in the weekends and he said he hadn’t really done anything, but in reality he’d gone to the store on Saturday.
“I guess,” Nigel interrupted the sense of calm that had settled over him with the aid of the buttery smooth voice from the tv. His was accented and rough but calming in a whole different sense. Adam looked at him expectantly, giving a squeeze to his fingers.
Nigel simply sighed and looked away. “This is so fucking dumb…,” he trailed off, eyeing the other man carefully. He just looked right back, trying his best to ignore the screen in front of them. At some point he tuned out entirely. “You don’t-..,” he tried carefully. “Fuck-“
Feelings were hard for both of them, that’s one thing they shared. Adam struggled with understanding his own – and others’ - emotions, Nigel was just not used to being vulnerable. Like at all. Even with Gabi, he could just cover it up behind the illusion of a cold hearted, manipulative man. Being genuine was a struggle, but he didn’t want to resort to his old ways. Not anymore. Not with Adam.
“You don’t fucking touch women’s shoulders, or-or wrap your arms around their neck or some fucking shit.” He sounded exasperated, like he’d just run a race. Or like he was telling someone their mother had just died. “When you kiss,” he added quickly.
“Oh,” said Adam simply.
Nigel inhaled slowly, holding his breath before he spoke. “I don’t know why-“ he was rushing through the words and yet Adam managed to interrupt him before the last syllable had left his mouth. “You want people to know you’re the ‘man.’” He put the last word in quotation marks, the sounds leaving his lips steadily, with purpose, stating them as fact with no clear emotion behind them. Nigel was visibly taken aback by this. “What?,” he basically exclaimed before he was aware the word had left his mouth.
“You want people to know you’re still the masculine one,” he elaborated, glancing back at the screen quickly, seeming almost disinterested. A beautiful nebula was displayed on the screen. Colors and stars exploded onto the dark void.
“What, no, Adam-“ Nigel was throwing up his hands, looking somewhat offended.
“No, I get it.”
He looked back at the older man. Usually if someone had said that to Nigel - if a woman had said that to Nigel – he’d have assumed they didn’t actually mean it. That they were being sarcastic. Adam was almost never sarcastic. He exhaled suddenly, all words seeming to have left him. He was breathless out of the blue, all air knocked from him.
“You’re not the only one in their first queer relationship, you know,” he explained casually, yet with a certain force and sternness. Nigel didn’t think he was mad. He knew when Adam was mad.
“I do,” he said softly.
He wasn’t sure what more to say and simply looked at the other man for a long period of time. He wasn’t sure how long. He couldn’t remember seeing Adam turn down the volume from the TV, although maybe his brain was just filtering out the noise on its own. The words seemed to slur and become muddy.
Then Adam turned to the screen again and said, “I didn’t understand gay people for a very long time.”
“We’re not gay,” Nigel interrupted, yet his voice was quiet. “Didn’t say we were.” He was right, he hadn’t. Adam settled further into the couch. “I didn’t understand how a man could be with a man or a woman with a woman. It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Why would anyone choose to be different. To defy the rules or normality. That wasn’t how the world worked. If you are a man, you’re supposed to like women.” He looked back at Nigel. “Then I found out it wasn’t a choice. Before I came to realize my feeling for you weren’t just platonic,” they both chuckled somewhat stalely, “I thought they were just weird for the sake of being weird. I found it gross.”
Then he was looking at the television again, although this time he didn’t pay attention to what was going on. Nigel, a little shocked, said intelligently, “oh”
“Yeah,” was all he got in return.
“Internalized homophobia seems to be deeply ingrained into the both of us.”
A man on-screen Nigel knew to be an astrophysicist with multiple PhDs started talking about some weird space thing. “No, I know, I-“ Adam interrupted him again. He did that sometimes, said he was working on it, even if it wasn’t that bad, but right now it didn’t really bother Nigel at all. He wasn’t sure what to say anyway. “It wasn’t a criticism, Nigel. I’m just saying, you’re not alone. I just want you to say things.”
Yet again Nigel found himself impressed by how good Adam had become had expressing his thoughts. Then he felt a little ashamed as he thought how little he’d progressed.
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” Adam always managed to sound so genuine. It made sense, he always was. He always said what he meant, didn’t dilly dally around subjects. He said Nigel was getting better at it too.
“And uh,” he tried to show the bravery his boyfriend did daily, “You know I, uh, love you.”
“I do.” He looked at the man beside him and gave him a squeeze. “I love you, too.”
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Just outside a café wasn’t really the best place for a heated make out session, but it seemed it had become tradition to end their dates with a romantic kiss, which then, by the help of both of them, turned less wholesome and, well.. hornier. Nigel didn’t like to admit he was getting older, but Adam proved to have far more stamina for such things these days. Yet once they got started, it was difficult for either of them to stop. Especially when the younger of the two became so grabby with his hands. They were both currently trying to get under Nigel’s shirt, roaming across his toned, soft abdomen. Nigel’s own were making their way from Adam’s hair, to rest around his neck, locking his fingers together just below his nape.
It looked to be another promising evening.