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When Yu Narukami moved to Inaba, he expected a re-do of his life in the city: drifting through classes in the middle of the pack, some acquaintances and no real friends that he could call, and nothing to occupy his mind or time, not truly. However, he found a little sister in Nanako, a poor father figure in Dojima, and friends in Yukiko and Chie almost immediately. The two of them cornered him after his first day in class, bombarding him with questions about his life, his interests, etcetera etcetera.
He noticed Yosuke pretty quickly. He was pretty, what was he supposed to do? Even if he was a little bumbling, it was all just… very charming to Yu. Chie called him out on it first, while Yosuke had vacated the classroom early, probably to go to his job.
“So, Hanamura, huh?” She asked, leaning over her desk and almost onto his. “What, do lame guys do it for you?”
“Chie,” Yu said, blushing slightly. She was right, but she didn’t need to know that. “It’s just that he's cute.”
“Well, be careful.” Chie lowered her voice to a whisper, making Yu strain to hear her. “Maybe don’t confess— Yosuke’s said a thing or two that makes me worried he might have a bad reaction.”
“Okay,” Yu said, heart sinking a little. He wouldn’t be so dramatic as to say that he had a crush on Yosuke, but it never felt good to hear a guy might react badly to you even implying you liked him.
“I’ll be careful.” He promised.
--
It turned out he was lying, because now Yu was crushing on Yosuke. It was just too easy to crush on a cute boy who was sort of lame and bumbling. Then, once, as Yu was walking home after getting distracted by the shrine with Yukiko, he saw Yosuke in the distance, down where Yu liked to fish. He had his back facing the path, but Yu had been staring, and he recognized him immediately. Yosuke was holding a guitar, and as Yu approached he began to hear the sounds of Yosuke singing in… english?
Yu knew a fair bit of english, his tutors in the city had been very good to him, and he studied often. Yosuke had almost no trace of an accent except for some words, and as Yu listened at the top of the stairs, he realized that Yosuke had a great voice. When he paused, adjusting something, Yu realized how long he’d been standing there. He left, dazed for the rest of the evening at the memory of Yosuke singing.
He needed to get these feelings out .
Yukiko seemed the better option to tell, since Chie had so clearly warned him away from Yosuke. He texted her that evening, and she responded very promptly.
It sounds like you could benefit from writing down your feelings , she texted. I like to write them down and then put them away, as a sort of release .
The object of her affections seemed rather evident, and Yu could make a solid guess about the state of that relationship, plus what else she might be writing about. However, this would be inappropriate to ask about, so he didn’t ask for confirmation, just like Yukiko didn’t ask what the feelings he needed to get out were.
Yu sat down to write and saw that he had some envelopes left out, and Nanako had left some stickers in his room from when she was going through his supplies. Everything put together gave him an idea.
He wrote the letter halfway pretending to be a girl. Watashi, -san, and all. He tried to write his true feelings, but to also be cute.
He didn’t think anything would come of it. It was just a classic love letter, it might make Yosuke smile, and Yu would get to enjoy that smile, even if he couldn’t enjoy being close to Yosuke like that.
--
The day after he left the letter in Yosuke’s locker, he was in class, bored, when he heard Yukiko ask Yosuke, very clearly, “What’s got you in such a good mood, Hanamura-kun?”. Well, that was another fact to remember– Yosuke was younger than him.
“Just in a good mood.” the conversation continued, and Yu eavesdropped rather shamelessly, his pencil paused on the page where he had been doodling hearts.
“Some idiot probably slipped him a love letter.” Chie said. “Waiting for a confession, Hanamura?”
He was going to kill her. She didn’t know, not yet, but still–
“Oh,” Yosuke said, and Yu could imagine how he had slumped now, dejected. “Nah.”
There was a pause, and Yosuke blustered on.
“Just woke up on the right side of the bed.”
Was it true? Or had it been the letter? Yu began to discreetly write a new letter. He had envelopes on him for delivery today, but that could wait, and he’d slipped the stickers in too, just in case. It was all falling together very nicely, and Yu sealed the letter with an orange sticker this time. He dropped it off, and waited by his own locker, discreetly watching Yosuke’s. When Yosuke opened it, he immediately and visibly brightened, his smile like a million kilowatts of joy beamed directly into Yu. He turned his head back to his own locker, and grinned to himself. He’d have to keep doing it– he just had to.
He had given Yosuke an out, though, just in case. Just in case.
--
When Yosuke didn’t immediately respond to Morooka, Yu tilted his head to the side to glance back. Yosuke was staring out into the distance, half-smile on his face. He was clearly zoned out, and this would be another chance to… to start something.
“It’s Soseki Natsume,” Yu whispered, barely moving his mouth. Yosuke startled, then looked up.
“What?”
“I was asking–”
“Soseki Natsume,” Yosuke repeated. Morooka’s eyebrow raised.
“Clearly someone needs to stop zoning out in class. You!” He pointed at Yu, who tried to look innocent. “Let people fail when they deserve to get caught.”
Yu tried to look contrite after that, but he kept catching himself about to smile.
“Thanks, dude!” Yosuke whispered once Morooka had moved on. Yu grinned to himself. The rest of the day was easy, especially thinking about Yosuke being in such a good mood. It was selfish, egotistical even, to think that it was because of him, but he couldn’t help thinking it.
Chie shoved him after class ended, right after Yosuke went out the door.
“You’re doing something,” she accused. “What are you up to?”
“How about we go to Aiya?” Yu said, not wanting to have this conversation in the classroom. Chie didn’t even hesitate before agreeing.
As they left, Yu saw that Yosuke was slumped as he closed his locker, clearly down.
Just another point toward thinking that Yosuke really did like the letters.
In Aiya, after she had chewed through her bowl, Chie began grilling him.
“What did I fucking tell you?! What did I tell you!!” She hissed. Yu shook his head.
“You said to be careful.”
“Careful! Not fuckin–” She waved her hands wildly. “Slipping him answers and writing him love notes!”
“What–”
“Yeah, dude, I saw what you were writing the other day. Writing is one thing, but you’ve been giving them to him! What are you gonna do? Clearly he’s halfway in love with the girl who’s writing to him already, what are you doing ?!”
“Being careful.” Yu said. “I’m writing using feminine terms, it’s just… it’s just getting out the feelings, he likes it, it’s okay, right? No one’s getting hurt.”
Chie sighed, exasperated, and she dragged over Yu’s bowl.
“You don’t deserve this beef.” she said. “God, ‘no one’s getting hurt.’ Clearly you’re going to get hurt! He’s falling in love with a fictional girl, you’re crushing on him hard, you’re going to tell him all this shit, and then– then what? Are you gonna confess? No ! If you don’t confess, everyone gets hurt, and if you do, everyone still gets hurt! What if he starts thinking its a girl in our class, huh? Do you think a girl’s gonna appreciate that? Do you think he’s going to like never getting to meet this girl who’s writing to him? Are you gonna like it, seeing him get a crush on a girl and all the time it’s you and you can’t do anything?”
Her voice progressively got louder, and by the end Yu was trying to shush her before she was shouting and everyone heard how pathetically in love Yu was with a guy. He wasn’t against being out– but in a small town like Inaba? When he only had Yukiko and Chie as friends? No, it was better to be safe than sorry, especially if everyone spread this story. They’d tell the story of a predatory gay dude, and no one would be happy.
“I’ll stop,” Yu said, even though he didn’t want to do that at all. “I’ll stop, Chie, just–”
To his horror, he found himself tearing up. Hastily, he wiped his face, and soon he found himself actually crying as Chie patted him harshly on the shoulder.
“Oh, stop crying, I never know what to do when people cry.” She said, pulling him into a hug. Yu hugged her back, not sobbing, but not not-crying. “C’mon, it’ll be fine, it might hurt at first but you’ll be fine, cut it off now and you’ll end up happier for it.”
“Thanks, Chie,” Yu said miserably, resolving to put a handle on his feelings. He needed to kill this in the cradle, before his feelings got any more unmanageable.
--
At Junes, Yu felt listless and drained. When he glanced at himself in the mirrors, he looked normal, but he felt like he looked like death warmed over. Nanako was excited and running around, happy to be alive. At least he had her– three people to call his own. That was a good number, right? He didn’t need anyone else. He didn’t need a crush, he needed reality.
Then they were in the produce section, and Yu was looking at the cabbages, and then he was looking up and Nanako–
Nanako had just run into Yosuke, who was wearing a smile and a Junes uniform. He looked really good, just like always, and Yu felt his heart in his mouth.
“Hanamura-kun, sorry. Nanako, say sorry–” He tried to do damage control, tried to sound calm. Nanako apologized, but Yosuke didn’t seem mad at all. In fact, he began to be a model employee, treating Nanako kindly and offering his help. Nanako was getting excited, even more so, and when Yu tried to cut this off, Yosuke refused.
“Nah, dude, it’s okay. I got this.” Yosuke said quickly. Yu floundered, lacking a social script for the moment. “Well, hey, how about I help you? I know this place like the back of my hand!”
“Really?” Nanako said, completely entranced. Yosuke nodded.
“Well, what are you looking for, little lady? Let’s see if we can get this all together…” He led them through the produce section, and Yu was helpless as he followed, falling deeper and deeper as Yosuke treated Nanako so kindly. He managed to make some extra sales– Yu couldn’t even be mad– and Nanako went to checkout while Yu stayed behind. He needed to say something: this was a sign. A sign that he needed to try and become friends with Yosuke as himself, and not as this girl character he had invented for Yosuke to fall in love with.
“Hey. Hanamura-kun. Thank you.” How did you make friends? Was he doing it right? He wasn’t supposed to initiate things, what was he doing? He should just–
“It’s all good. I don’t mind.” Yosuke had been grinning, but now it slipped. “But hey, you’re staying with your uncle, right? Is that…”
Ah. Their situation.
“Yes, that’s his daughter, my cousin.”
“Huh. Yeah, I thought so. Why on earth is she shopping? I’ve seen her around before, but I just thought her dad was in a different section.”
Yu felt himself grimace.
“He works late most nights. Luckily, I’m here now.”
He didn’t need to give the entire story. Yosuke didn’t need to hear that– Yu was handling it. Dojima sucked right now, but Nanako had him now, and he’d figure it out. He didn’t want pity from Yosuke, he wanted friendship.
“Thank god for that, man. Hey, she’s like, six, right? I dunno if they’ve met in school, but my brother’s probably the same age. If you ever need like, babysitting stuff done, we can arrange a playdate for them or something.”
Ouch. His heart. Yu was going to die of Hanamura related heart problems.
“......you’re a good guy, Hanamura-kun.”
“You can drop the honorific if you want, Narukami-kun.” Yosuke sort of laughed. “It’s normal, right? Teddie needs friends, Nanako looks like she needs some friends– sorry, that sounds like an insult, doesn’t it? Sorry, forget it.”
He was so goddamn cute that Yu was going to die. He really was a decent guy! Yu couldn’t take it!
“It’s okay, how should I let you know?” His heart was pounding. Could he really swing it? Could he get his phone number?
“Oh, I dunno, just grab me in class or something? I guess I can give you my phone number, if you want.”
“Mn. How about both?”
That was a natural way to say it, right? Right?
They saved each other’s contact information and Yu just wrote ‘hanamura’. He’d change it when he got home, where Yosuke wouldn’t see it over his shoulder.
“I’ll text you.” Yu promised. Yosuke nodded, looking at his phone.
“Coolio, dude. See you tomorrow?”
“Mn.” Yu tried to contain his excitement.
--
He texted way too soon. He was not versed in the etiquette of these things, it had always been the other party who had texted first, and they usually waited a little after the initial exchange to send the first message. However, Yu did not have time for the inane rules of sociality, he needed to make sure that Yosuke wanted to hang out with him, so that they could be friends instead of Yu being his secret admirer.
Yosuke accepted his proposal.
Good. Good…
Yu lay awake, thinking about everything. He had promised Chie, but…
Could he really leave Yosuke hanging like this? Could he take away that spark of joy he had given him?
No. It would be cruel to just suddenly disappear. He couldn’t do it to him. Just– after this letter. After this letter, he’d stop.
He got up and wrote it out, very carefully. This was the one that Yosuke was going to have the chance to throw out, this could be the end of it– but if he didn’t throw it away, then Yu would have to break his promise to Chie.
Lying was bad, but breaking Yosuke’s heart might be worse.
He let Yosuke know again that he was not going to confess, and might never confess. That these were just letters to release his feelings out there– the letter was stupid, vapid, and Yu wrote it half hoping that Yosuke would bring it back to school, just to throw away, to make sure that he never got another. It was only going to hurt him to write more– but he couldn’t bring himself to stop, not without Yosuke participating some way.
He wanted Yosuke to keep the letter. He wanted Yosuke to become his friend, and when they were friends, Yosuke would tell him about the letters, would praise the writing, the girl– and Yu would find a way to be satisfied with it.
He would have to.
He marked the letter with a yellow sticker.
--
After depositing the letter, Yu waited by the locker for Yosuke. He was a longer time coming than usual, and when he came down the stairs he was flush with excitement. Yu felt his heart pitter patter in his chest.
“Sorry, dude, Chie and I were talking about Kickpuncher! It’s so sick, do you like action movies at all?” He babbled, opening his locker.
“Eh, I like most movies I watch.” Yu scuffed his shoe against the floor, smiling.
“Your cool demeanor is working on me, dude. You seem like the kind of guy to deal with anything easily.”
How could he just say that ?!
“That isn’t true,” Yu protested, absolutely flushed. Yosuke was looking away, though, grinning at the letter in his locker, and Yu allowed himself to hope, and forced himself to calm down. “What’s that?” he asked, aiming for casual.
“Just a letter.” There was a chance. Alright. Calm down, Yu. Regain control.
“Alright. Ready to go?”
“Oh, hell yeah dude!”
They went to Okina together, and Yosuke did a lot of the talking. He was a chatterbox, and Yu appreciated him taking on the brunt of the conversation, and that he provided a good social script to respond to. When Yosuke talked about moving here, he asked about Yu’s experience, when he talked about friends, it was easy to respond that he was on good terms with most people in Inaba already, which Yosuke seemed impressed with. Yu grinned, laughed, enjoyed his time with Yosuke. When they went to the park to wind down, Yu skipped rocks to take his mind off the fact that Yosuke looked loose and pleased, distracting himself from the letter that was in Yosuke’s pocket, unread and not thrown away.
“You’re too cool to be my friend, dude. Why’re you out here with me?” Yosuke said as Yu skipped another rock.
His fingers fumbled on his next shot.
“Can’t I want to get to know everyone?” It was disingenuous, a bad response. Yu tried again. “Plus, I think you’re interesting. I’m really glad Nanako ran into you, honestly. It gave me an excuse to talk to you.”
Shit, that was probably too truthful.
“Stop, I’ll blush.” Yu tried to discreetly stare at the light flush on Yosuke’s face. ““Thanks, dude. Let’s keep hanging out.”
Was that literal? It sounded literal. Yu wanted to hang out with Yosuke forever, but they’d pretty much run out of Okina to hang out in.
“Wanna go to Aiya?” He suggested.
“Oh, man, totally!”
Success!
Watching Yosuke eat was slightly uncomfortable– staring at his mouth was a bad idea, it gave him ideas . Yu shifted, and thought that he’d have to live with this if he wanted Yosuke as a friend. When they started another conversation after eating, he was able to find some relief as long as he didn’t look too closely at his face.
He paid for Yosuke’s food, which he initially protested, but when Yosuke gave in Yu got to feel like he was paying for a date. It was another lie, another deception– but it was going well. Yosuke seemed to like him as a friend, and that would have to be good enough. Yu could handle it all if he could keep writing letters and have Yosuke as a friend. Chie was wrong– no one had to be hurt.
--
He kept writing letters; sealing them with stickers that built into a rainbow when put together. Yosuke wouldn’t notice– and if he did, he might not understand the reference. It didn’t feel as much like lying when he gave those small hints, these small chances that Yosuke wouldn’t follow. It was a calculated risk.
In a letter sealed with a green sticker, Yu told Yosuke that he wore glasses at home for reading . He didn’t like to wear them at school, because it was one thing to be smart, but another thing to be nerdy. He wanted to blend in with the crowd, and when people thought you were smart, they started to expect things from you. It was better to avoid building those expectations, so that you could stay in the middle of the pack.
Yosuke fiddled with the glasses stand in Shiroku when they were getting soda.
“Are you considering glasses?” Yu asked. Yosuke flushed and drew back his hand.
“I’m just… thinking.” he said lamely.
He was thinking about his secret admirer. He wanted to know what kind of glasses she wore. Yu thought about his simple wire framed glasses at home, and resolved not to show them to Yosuke.
In a letter sealed with a blue sticker, Yu told Yosuke that he got good grades even though he wanted to stay in the middle of the pack. He said that he didn’t want to brag– it was just that he didn’t do much, and his grades were one of the few things that he allowed himself to excel at. He had to rewrite it, realizing that he had referred to himself with masculine terms multiple times. Yosuke didn’t want to read that.
Yosuke wanted to study the afternoon after he received that letter. Yu raised an eyebrow, trying to emote more for him.
“What’s brought on this change?”
Yosuke had flushed.
“Just feel like trying a little harder this time around, is all.” he mumbled.
Yosuke liked her. He wanted to be smart for her. Yu was very patient, and explained everything twice over in literature, but ended up learning a few things about biology from Yosuke– he wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t even dense, he just didn’t try most of the time.
It made Yu want to please him with his own grades. It made him work harder. He wanted Yosuke to praise him for his grades.
He wrote another letter.
In a letter sealed with a purple sticker, Yu told Yosuke about cooking. Dojima had been late multiple days in a row, leaving Yu to cook dinner for over a week. It wasn’t that he minded, really, it was only frustrating. He swapped the genders– instead of Dojima, it was the secret admirer’s mother, and her little sister, not her little cousin, was who she was cooking for.
I really don’t mind cooking, I swear, Yu wrote. It’s just that– why can’t my mom do this? Why does she have to work such long hours? She’s all we have, and she only has us, so why is her job more important? If she keeps doing this, she’ll miss all the moments of our youth, and when my little sister grows up all she’ll remember is me, not our mother. I just want one night where I don’t have to cook, or take my sister out to dinner. Folding envelopes only pays so much, and I don’t have time for another job right now, not on top of schoolwork and taking care of her. I wish I didn’t have to make dinner, that’s it. I like cooking! It’s fun to make something delicious, and I love making my sister happy with her favorite dishes.
Yu wrote his frustrations about Dojima and Nanako into the letter, and when he finished he checked once to make sure that the genders were correct, and then he sealed the letter.
It just so happened that evening Yosuke came over and ended up staying for dinner. Yu knew his letter reading schedule by now, because they would hang out and Yosuke would just occasionally touch the letters in his pocket, and then he would come to school having read them, most likely. Still, Yu started sweating when Nanako started talking about cooking to him while Yu was in the kitchen.
“Is your dad ever home for dinner, Nanako-chan?” Yu heard Yosuke ask quietly. Yu had his back turned to them, so Yosuke probably thought he wasn’t listening too hard. Nanako made a noise.
“Uhm, not a lot,” she said, matching Yosuke’s tone and volume. Yu strained to hear them while also appearing to not be paying attention. “Usually big bro makes dinner, or I make an egg and rice, or he takes me out to eat. I like Junes lunch boxes the best!”
“Having lunch for dinner’s fun,” Yosuke said noncommittally. Yu heard him shift in his seat, could imagine his expression. “Do you wish your dad was home more?”
“Mn, yeah. I’m glad I have big bro, though! He’s just as good.”
“Yeah,” Yosuke said, his voice all sad and soft. “Hey, Nanako, what would you do if it was just you and big bro all the time? Would you be lonely?”
“I dunno,” Nanako said, and Yu’s heart squeezed in his chest. “Not too much. I’d miss dad, but big bro’s good.”
Yosuke was quiet. Yu was quiet too, and he wiped his eyes discreetly. Yosuke hadn’t read the letter yet– he wasn’t going to get it. Even hearing this– the genders were different, the situation was different. Yosuke wouldn’t understand it just from this.
“Here you go, Yosuke-kun,” Yu said when he was passing out dinner.
“Dude, you can just call me Yosuke.”
“Then you can just call me Yu,” Yu said, his heart beating out of his chest. Nanako was watching, and Yu was sure she understood what was happening to him. She wouldn’t say anything, though. She had a lot of emotional understanding, for a six year old.
“Okay, Yu,” Yosuke said. He took a bite. “Jesus christ, you always knock it out of the park!”
“Big bro is the best at cooking!” Nanako proudly announced.
He kept writing letters. Yosuke kept responding, not telling Yu why he wanted to learn this or that new skill. He was trying to become better for his secret admirer– it hurt Yu to think about it. Chie had been right. This was hard, and stupid, and their hearts were going to get broken. Yu should have broken it off ages ago– he could have become Yosuke’s friend, and that could have been enough, but now that he knew how caring Yosuke would be as a boyfriend, his yearning kept multiplying by orders of magnitude.
His feelings came to a head one night when Yosuke called him at about two am. Yu had just fallen into a fitful sleep, and when he heard the call, he jerked up. Only about six people had his number, and only one of them would call him at any time. Yosuke.
“Yosuke? Are you okay?”
“Butt dial, dude. Sorry about that.” Even saying something so unattractive, Yosuke sounded perfect, sleep tousled and slightly lower than his usual register. Yu’s hand tightened around his phone.
“It’s okay, Yosuke.” Yu said, a little disappointed it wasn’t on purpose. “I’m glad you’re alright.”
He was glad. He was.
“You’re the best, dude.” Yosuke had grumbled, and then he had hung up. Yu lay there for a while longer, squeezing his phone, his eyes shut. He imagined Yosuke telling him that again and again, and he knew that he would never get over this. There was no way that Yu would ever forget how Yosuke made him feel. Yosuke would probably never feel the same. He was straight, irrevocably so, and he was in love with a girl that Yu had invented.
He cried into his pillow and woke up resolved to end this farce soon. Chie would be proud– once she got over the anger that he had ignored her advice.
--
Yu was waiting for Yosuke by his locker again when he got his hopes up again. Yosuke came down looking bashful, fiddling with the letter before finally slipping it into his pocket. He couldn’t seem to meet Yu’s eyes, even though Yu tried so hard to make eye contact with him for his sake.
“Good to go?” Yu finally asked, wondering what Yosuke could possibly be thinking. Had he put it together? Was he hesitating because Yu had done something?
“Yeah. Hey, dude, can I ask you something?”
What could it be? Yu tried not to look excited– there was nothing to get excited for. He was working it all up in his head. They started walking.
“Yeah, anything.” he swore.
“Man, it’s kind of embarrassing– but can you teach me how to cook? You cook for Nanako, right?” Yosuke knew very well that Yu cooked, he had been over for supper.
“Cooking?” Yu said, knowing that Yosuke knew very well that he could cook. Was this one of those flirting things? Those back and forths where both parties understood what was happening, so they didn’t say what was happening? “Why cooking?”
He knew, though. It was part of the game.
“No reason,” Yosuke said, his hand obviously on the letter in his pocket, a smile on his face no matter how hard he was trying to hide it.
“Sure.” He needed to check, though. He needed to make sure this was for the secret admirer, not some girl that Yosuke had met while Yu wasn’t looking. “Is there a… you trying to make something for a girl?”
That was natural. Good job, him.
“Kinda?” Yosuke was blushing, and it looked good on him. Yu almost missed his next sentence, which could have been a travesty. “There’s this– you’ve seen the letters, right? I have a secret admirer. She said something about cooking a lot for her family, and how it's fun but it sort of sucks she’s expected to do it. So I was thinking… I should learn, for when we meet.”
“You haven’t met her at all?” Yu asked, careful. Chie had put the idea of a girl taking credit for his work in his head, and it was a real fear. It was– he needed to pay attention, not get stuck in his head.
“Nah. She’s shy.” Yosuke looked so loving for a second that Yu’s breath was taken away. “It kind of makes it more exciting, that I don’t know who she is in a crowd, but she knows me. It’s… romantic. God, I sound sappy and horrible.”
He covered his face with a hand, but it didn't hide his blush and his grin. He was so clearly in love, this was how people in love acted, right?
“You haven’t talked at all , and you’re already like this? God, I don’t wanna see a girl confess to you in person…” This was how Yosuke would react to being told something like this, he was pretty sure. It was a purposeful gambit, part of the script that he needed from Yosuke because his own natural reaction wouldn’t be natural at all. The sarcasm would lower his inhibitions, would make Yosuke feel that much more comfortable.
“Hey! We have a connection now! Sure, maybe I haven’t gotten to talk to her, but we have an understanding.”
You don’t understand that she’s a he , Yu thought. He didn’t say that. Instead, he said “You’re hopeless.” and opened the door to the Dojima house. Yosuke laughed.
“You have no sense of romance.”
I write the letters you get so in your head about. I’m the girl that you’re learning to cook for, the girl you looked at glasses for, and you studied for me, and you didn’t know it was me but all the while you’ve been falling in love with what I’m writing. I’m trying to be romantic, and you’re falling for it.
Instead he asked if Yosuke wanted to learn to make oden. Yosuke loved oden, and he said yes, just like Yu thought he would.
In the end, after they’d made oden that everyone liked (Yu thought it tasted all the better for having Yosuke involved) Yu saw Yosuke off from the porch. He was going to send him home with a portion, and then he was going to yearn over the fact that Yosuke liked his cooking. Yosuke didn’t follow the exact script Yu had built in his head, of course.
“I’ll have to hide this from everyone else. You make food too good, dude.”
Yosuke spoke so earnestly sometimes, so clear of artifice and the ways that everyone else just said kind things out of politeness. Yu was glad for the gloom of the porch overhang.
“Thank you, Yosuke.” Did his voice sound strangled? Did he sound weird?
“Nah, dude, thank you! And thanks to Nanako, I guess. You were right. I’m glad she ran into me, cause otherwise how could this have happened?” Yosuke gestured with his free hand, grinning, beautiful. “You’re my best friend, dude.”
“You’re mine too, Yosuke.” Yu said, his heart in his mouth.
“That’s why I’m so glad. I’m happy you’re in my life.”
“Me too.” Yu practically whispered it. He wanted to reach out and kiss Yosuke desperately, he wanted to make him drop the oden and forget everything in the world except for Yu and his hands on him. He wanted, desperately, and he didn’t let himself act.
“I’ll see you,” he said, and ran away.
--
Kanji Tatsumi was the only other gay guy that Yu knew about. They’d started talking one time after Yukiko had left Yu at the shrine, just randomly as some act of serendipity. Kanji was the first person that Yu told about the letters. He’d marveled at the fact it had gone on so long– around three months now. Yu wouldn’t consider them best friends– that was a place reserved for Yosuke in his head– but they were very good friends, and Kanji was the sort of guy that understood implicitly what Yu might want.
While Kanji and Yu had been hanging out some when Yosuke wasn’t around, Yosuke had been withdrawing slightly. Yu had been too busy to write letters, and didn’t have much material to write about anyway, so he thought that might have a hand in Yosuke’s quietness; he didn’t know any other sources, he worried that he had done something to expose himself even slightly. He asked Kanji to come with them on one hang out, both to see if he thought Yosuke had realized Yu had a crush, and also to introduce Yosuke to some new friends.
They were chatting and laughing in front of Yosuke’s locker when he came down. Yu immediately locked in on the sight of him, almost missed what Kanji said next as they stared at each other. Yosuke looked almost stricken, surprised, maybe? Someone knocked into him, and in a flash Yu was at his side, Kanji right behind him.
“Yosuke!” Yu got to have an arm around him, which was very nice, even if the reason wasn’t. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. Jeez, I’m gonna have a bruise, I think. They got me pretty good.” While Yosuke rotated his arm, demonstrating the injury, Kanji shot Yu a look. It was a judging one, like Kanji was asking him? Really?
Yes, really , Yu tried to convey right back. Kanji wasn’t here to judge Yu’s taste in guys, he was here to help him ascertain if Yosuke knew that Yu had a crush on him.
“What are you two up to?”
“Ah, that… Do you mind if Kanji-kun joins us today?”
“Yeah, sure, lemme just…”
Again, Yosuke looked disappointed at the lack of a letter. He really, really needed to find something fresh to write about. Maybe the local stray cats? It would have to be just another fluff one, and he always regretted those as doing nothing, just extending the ruse another few days. He needed to end this. He needed to break someone’s heart, probably, but he kept going, like he could find a perfect place and hurt no one, including himself.
“All good, Hanamura-senpai?”
Yosuke jumped. He was skittish, like a poorly socialized cat. Yu should have done this more slowly, let them sniff each other out before putting them in the same room. However, he didn’t have time for that today, the introduction was already begun.
“Yeah, fine. Just looking for something real quick. Let’s go?” Yosuke said.
“Mn.” Yu nodded.
Kanji liked Yosuke, once they warmed up to each other. At the house, the two of them started bonding over music and fashion, while Yu didn’t need to say anything in particular until Yosuke put his own foot in his mouth, and needed rescuing. Yu stepped in, redirected it, and then Kanji and Yosuke were off to the races again, going strong. Yosuke brightened up just like Kanji did throughout the hangout, and in the end they were calling each other by their first names because of Yu’s example.
It was good. It was good for everyone.
Yu sort of hated it, just a little. Kanji was getting along with Yosuke so easily, when Yu had struggled to initiate any relationship. Having Yosuke all to himself had spoiled him too, where he expected Yosuke to come to him about almost anything he was feeling. He had been jealously hoarding Yosuke, Yu could admit it to himself, and if someone asked he might be able to say it. Yosuke was his best friend– and he was man enough to admit he was worried about Yosuke having a closer relationship with someone else.
It was a sour feeling. He didn’t like it. He let it stew, and when Kanji texted him later to tell him how awesome Yosuke was, Yu got to gush, which took some of the sting out. Kanji didn’t think Yosuke knew, but he’d need more experience to know.
--
He met Naoto and Rise at around the same time, because the two of them had lumped together as the two newcomers in the middle of the year. He liked that they were loud and very themselves. He introduced them to Yosuke, and let Naoto and Rise draw their own conclusions. They definitely talked to Kanji about it before telling him they knew.
They were all hanging out while Yosuke was on shift, so they knew he wouldn’t interrupt them, when the three of them brought it up.
“It sort of seems like you’re playing with Yosuke-senpai’s feelings, Yu-senpai.” Rise said out of the blue. “It’s pretty cruel to write him letters and lead him on.”
Naoto was already nodding. Kanji was flushed, hiding his face. Yu looked at the three of them, ending at Kanji and his embarrassment.
“To be friends with him and at the same time send him letters that he’s convinced are from a girl who has a crush on him is disingenuous and in some aspects, concerning.” Naoto said.
“I tried to explain, Yu-senpai, I really did–”
“You shouldn’t play with a boy's feelings!” Rise insisted. “He’s halfway in love with the girl!”
“Kanji said that he learned to cook for her.” Naoto added.
“I’m not playing with his feelings,” Yu said, feeling sick to his stomach. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. It was a him and Yosuke thing, even if Yosuke didn’t know it was him. It was none of their business what he wrote. It was– “I’m not.” he insisted, words sounding hollow to himself.
“Then what are you doing?” Rise asked. “What are your intentions? What’s the goal?”
“Break his heart? Reveal you’re a guy and fuck up the entire friend group?” Naoto asked. He considered what he had said, then shook his head. “No, that would be out of character. You’re just too deep to stop, aren’t you?”
“Why’d you start, anyway?”
“Didn’t you tell them, Kanji?”
“Yes!”
“No,”
Kanji groaned and went to put his face against the carpet of Yu’s room. Naoto and Rise remained perched on the couch, looking down at Yu, who was leaning against his dresser.
“I just… I wanted to get the feelings out. It was harmless.”
Harmless, my ass , said the Chie in Yu’s head. The real life her was mad at him and they hadn’t spoken in a week. She knew he hadn’t stopped sending the letters. Everyone said that Yosuke was half in love with the girl behind them, but didn’t his friends care that he was all the way in love with Yosuke?
“Harmless?!” Rise gasped. “He’s pining! Hard!”
“So am I,” Yu said plaintively. “It was just– why shouldn’t I? Aren’t I allowed to crush on him?”
“Sending a straight boy letters pretending to be a girl is a very bad look for the entire gay community. You might damage his relationship to all of us by extension, if he figures it out.” Naoto said. “Didn’t you think about that?”
“... I just wanted to tell him how I felt.” Without the consequences of coming out, or anything like that. “It was just– and then– it was just supposed to be letters. Then we started being friends, and I got too deep, just like you said. I can’t stop now. He’s… in love with her.”
“God,” Kanji groaned. “I think he likes you too. I wasn’t going to say it, but if they’re gonna keep grilling you.” he sat up and gesticulated in a very Yosuke-like manner.
“Is that supposed to be–”
“Shut up, I’m putting it together.” Kanji shook his head. “It’s like, he’s in love with the idea of the girl, but you’re the girl? Even if you changed some details, like a mom instead of Dojima, that’s still you , and he cares about you. Even without the letters, man, he looks at you like you hung the moon. You guys are best friends.”
“Some straight guys interact in ways that seem incredibly homoerotic to the gay man watching, who understands interactions differently than the straight man, who sees only friendship and platonic feelings.” Naoto said. Rise was frowning, putting it together.
“They do kinda…”
“I don’t know, I don’t know if he likes me, I don’t know what to do. I’d stop writing them, but… he likes them so much. He really cares about her.”
“And he’s never even… he doesn’t even have an idea of who it is, he told me.” Kanji shook his head. “If you could just…”
“We should put the idea of it being a guy in his head.” Naoto said, perking up like he had reached the conclusion of a case. “If it goes well, then you should come clean. It’s only fair.”
“I’m not ready.” Yu protested.
“You have to do it before you go home, Yu-senpai! If you– imagine what’s going to happen if you leave and the letters stop! What if he puts it together afterward, and the relationship falls apart?” Rise wailed. “Yosuke hates lying! Stop lying to him!”
“Fine!” Yu snapped. “Fine, fine, do it. We’ll test him.”
He thought about two days ago, when Yosuke had been alone with him in his room. Yosuke had been down, quiet and withdrawn. Yu had eventually drawn it out of him.
“I think my secret admirer might not like me anymore,” Yosuke had whispered. He and Yu had both been laying on the floor, looking at each other. Yosuke’s eyes were glassy with unshed tears. He sniffled, wiped at them. “I know its stupid, I don’t even– I don’t even have an idea of who she is–” he hiccuped.
Yu lay still, like that would make Yosuke forget that he could see him crying.
“But I’m still upset, y’know? For a while, it was just you and her in my life, really. She’s like… I want to meet her so bad, Yu. I wanna be her boyfriend. I want to see her letters again, I don’t even mind if she doesn’t like me anymore, I just wanna… hear from her again. I’m worried.”
“Oh,” Yu said, and his hand had twitched like he was going to hold Yosuke’s hand. “I’m sure–”
“Don’t say anything, man. I know I’m pathetic.”
“I was gonna say that I’m sure she’s just working on herself. You said that she wanted to get braver, right? Maybe she’s working together all the courage she has to ask you out, finally. Maybe she’s putting it all together, and it’s scary.”
“I know,” Yosuke said, wiping his eyes again. Yu rolled onto his stomach to hide his reaction to Yosuke crying. “I know it’s scary for her, it has to be. But… I want to know her, y’know? It feels like she builds me these little worlds with her words, and we’re there together, but I don’t even know what she sounds like. I just… you know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” Yu had said, hoarse. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
He had to tell him.
“Let me just put some stuff together, and you can test him, to see if it’s okay for him to read the letter.”
They spent the rest of the hang out planning the intricacies of testing whether Yosuke would be homophobic if his secret admirer was a dude. Yosuke had been pretty normal about Kanji, after that first meeting where he wasn’t expecting to hang out, and he’d been very polite to Rise and Naoto, two very openly queer individuals. He, at the very least, was not homophobic to them. It boded well.
It wasn’t enough. Yu was sick to his stomach that night, throwing up for most of it. Nanako woke up a few times, brought him medicine. It was supposed to be him taking care of her, he explained between bouts of trying to empty his empty stomach.
“If you’re sick, you’re sick. Do you need more water?”
She brought him more water even though he said he didn’t need it. Yu let everyone know he was sick, so he wouldn’t make it in the next day.
He wasn’t really sick, though. He was just a lying liar who fell for straight boys and tricked them. He was a horrible person.
The empty piece of paper on his table taunted him as he sat at last to the task of telling Yosuke the truth. His cruelty would know no bounds if he refused him this courtesy– and he wouldn’t even see it if Rise and the others deemed it unsafe. In that case, Yu would write another letter, still pretending to be a girl, and he would break Yosuke’s heart.
Then, not only would Yosuke’s heart be broken, but Yu would have to recover by himself, without Yosuke noticing. Yu cried for a while, and did not write the letter that morning. After a lunch of leftover oden from the last time Yosuke had visited, he sat down to the task with a more serious dedication.
It was still so hard to write it. Multiple times he had to stop and let the trembling in his hands subside. He’d put himself here, though, and he could not complain to anyone, though he did text Chie to let her know that he would be breaking off the letters. She told him outright that he should have done it months ago, but that she was ultimately proud of him for doing what was right. He didn’t tell her that he might be lying to Yosuke next. It all rested on the interrogation that his kohai would enact.
He wanted to see Yosuke. He hated being alone now, solitude was so much different than isolation. He wanted Yosuke in the room, to sit near him without even speaking. He yearned for the quiet moments of their relationship, and all the things that he might lose now.
He kept apologizing in the letter. It was so unfair that this could happen, that he could have avoided all this trouble if he had only– if he had just– Yu put down his pencil and cried for a while again. His own fault, ultimately.
When he sealed the letter, his hands trembled violently, creasing the corners in a messy manner. He couldn’t bring himself to do it again, knowing that the longer he waited, the worse the trembling and nausea would become. It had to be done now. He would put it in Yosuke’s locker the next day, and he’d just have to wait.
God, he hated waiting. Yosuke had spoiled him, being so quick to respond to him all the time, whether it was to his secret admirer or to Yu himself.
--
Rise, Naoto, and Kanji all texted him individually to let him know that Yosuke had said, all of them typed this quote exactly, “I’m like, already more than half in love with whoever’s writing these, I might as well try it.”
Yosuke had told him himself that he was in love with the author of the letters. But a guy? A guy writing them wasn’t a deal breaker?
Maybe he had a chance. But no, he couldn’t get his hopes up. It was cruel to himself to do so. Yu deserved it, though, if Yosuke rejected him. Yu worried all the way to school and nearly fainted when he saw the red sticker on Yosuke’s locker.
He ripped it off and slipped in the next envelope. His heart beat in his throat the rest of the day, and he watched Yosuke be nervous too. He waited in the classroom as long as he could stand it, shaking with nerves. Chie and Yukiko noticed, and in tandem with Yosuke’s nerves, they put it together.
“Oh my god, you’re gonna confess.” Chie said. “After everything I said?”
“Rise and them made sure it’s gonna be safe,” Yu said, choking out every word. “So it won’t… he won’t hit me, probably. It’s still–” to his horror, he could feel himself tearing up again.
“Oh jeez, don’t do that.” Chie said. Yukiko came over and patted his shoulders, trying to comfort him.
“I’m sure it’ll go well,” Yukiko said. “He’s a little bit crazy about you, Yu.”
“Yeah,” Chie admitted. “He’s been a lot more tolerable since you and him started hanging out.”
“Really?”
“You make each other better people,” Yukiko said, and it sounded so romantic that Yu almost started bawling again.
“Yukiko! Look what you did!” Chie hissed, joining her girlfriend in patting Yu’s shoulders. “Don’t make him cry!”
“I didn’t mean to!”
“What time is it?” Yu asked. Yukiko gave him the time, and then he was off to wait in sight of the gazebo. He watched as Yosuke approached and waited for his secret admirer. Yosuke looked anxious, but excited, if he was reading him right.
He walked up and nearly threw up when Yosuke beamed at him. His chest felt like a drawstring pulled taut, his heart was beating too fast, he was gonna pass out. His hands were sweaty, and he wiped them on his pants.
He sat down, because if he kept standing, he was going to fall over in a dead faint.
“Uh,” Yosuke said, blushing, fidgeting. “ “Dude, I love hanging out with you, and we really need to have a talk, like, really soon, but I’m waiting for someone. This is really important.”
“Yosuke–” Yu took a deep breath, steadied himself. “I’m–” he had to swallow again– “I’m your secret admirer.”
Yosuke went boneless against the table, and Yu jumped a little.
“Oh thank god.” he said.
“Yosuke?! Are you okay?” Yu put a hand on his back, then snatched it away. “Are you mad?”
He wondered if Yosuke could feel him trembling, and jumped again when Yosuke shot back up.
“Dude, I’ve been hoping and praying it was you!” What?
Yosuke hugged him. Yu’s mouth dropped open.
“I’m so fucking happy right now.” What?!
“Bwuh,” Yu said. “I thought–”
“Whatever you thought, it looks like you were wrong. Dude, I was like, reading it last night, and I thought about it, and I realized I really really wanted it to be you. Like, I was stressing about rejecting this guy, because I was like ‘no I’ve realized I like my best friend. I’m so sorry’.”
“You were gonna reject me for… me?”
Yu was going to pass out for real, and it was going to be in Yosuke’s arms. Was such a thing really possible?
“Dude, Rise put the idea in my head that you were a guy, and then I started thinking, and then I started reading , and–” Yosuke stopped. “Who knew you were my secret admirer?”
Ah. There was an issue. Yu coughed into his fist.
““Every one of our friends.” Yu admitted. “At first I just told Chie and Yukiko because I didn’t– I didn’t know how to talk to you! So, Yukiko suggested the letter thing, just to work up my confidence, and then you reacted so well–”
“Slow down, I’m not going anywhere, dude.”
“Sorry.” Yu took a breath, then exhaled slowly. His chest clenched. “I started hanging out with Kanji because he’s the only openly gay guy around, and I wanted another friend who I could talk with it about. I didn’t know if you were gonna react to it well… I’m really glad he let me use him as a bit of a buffer for that? And you reacted so well… then Naoto and Rise moved here, and it just really worked well for me?
“They found out quick, I wasn’t exactly subtle? But since I’ve acted like this around you the entire time, I don’t think you noticed that I was acting like… a doofus in love.”
He waited for Yosuke to hit him.
“You’re not a doofus,” Yosuke said. “You’re a nerd, but not a doofus.”
“This isn’t the time to be arguing semantics.”
“Nerd word.” Yosuke was grinning, still hugging him. Yu found himself smiling back through the sheen of tears in his eyes.
“So they figured out quick, and they helped me plan for the whole… confession part. They test your ‘tolerance’, and then–”
“Yesterday!” Yosuke accused.
“Yeah. If you reacted badly to the idea of your secret admirer being a guy, they were supposed to destroy the letter…”
“Whoa,” Yosuke said, sounding like he was marveling. “I’m so glad it’s you, Yu.”
“Can I actually confess now? I had a whole memorized list of stuff…”
“Yeah, hit me.”
This was part of what made Yosuke perfect. He let Yu do these things, he listened, he was good to him.
“Okay. Yosuke, I like you. I’m sorry I tried to make you believe I was a girl at first, and then taking advantage of Nanako bumping into you to become friends, and continuing to be a secret admirer and your friend.”
“Literally no worries,” Yosuke said, even though that couldn’t be true. He had to be rankled with at least a little of this. “It’s all forgiven, and I think the friendship made me all the more receptive to actually falling in love with my secret admirer.”
“Really? Love?” Yu flushed. He knew it, everyone knew it, but to hear it actually directed at him, not the nebulous girl…
“Yeah, dude. I’m sure I told you, or if I didn’t, those three told you I said it. I was already half in love with you as my best friend, and half as my secret admirer, so you put it together…” He shrugged. “What else was I gonna do? You’re kind of a perfect guy.”
“I’m not perfect at all.” Yu thought about all the ways he’d done this wrong. All the lying, all the manipulation, the possessiveness that Yosuke didn’t seem to notice.
“Agree to disagree,” Yosuke said. He sneaked a kiss onto Yu’s cheek. It was evening at Samegawa, the sun had set, no one was gonna see them. “Jesus, I’m ecstatic.”
“Me too,” Yu whispered. “You wanna come back to my place?”
Wait. Oh, man, he didn’t–
“Jesus, you move fast.”
“You literally just said you’re in love with me!”
He was flushed, embarrassed, all of those words. He couldn’t stand that he’d said that. How could Yosuke like him when he fumbled like that?
“You’re cute when you blush.” Yosuke said. Yu would have gladly sat there forever, Yosuke holding his face, but his stomach betrayed him by growling.
“You got anything to eat back home?” Yosuke asked, after he stopped laughing at him.
“We have some oden.”
“All those times you… wow, I learned to cook for you from you.” Yosuke was still grinning, and Yu felt like he was high off the sight. “You develop a taste for oden after all this?”
“More like a taste for your smile.”
Yosuke’s mouth fell open, and he went redder than Yu had ever seen him.
“That was smooth !” Why did he sound sort of angry? Yu opened his mouth to apologize, and Yosuke interrupted him with a kiss. “C’mon, otherwise we’re gonna start eating each other out here. God, you make everything sound dirty. Let’s go.”
They walked to the house hand in hand. Yu was on cloud nine, and barely felt the chill of the evening.
When Yosuke was tucking into his oden, Yu got distracted just watching him. He was allowed to do that now, he marveled. Yosuke’d let him, Yosuke liked him back, Yosuke, Yosuke, Yosuke, his mind was never going to leave the boy ever again.
Nanako came home from her friend’s house, and didn’t seem surprised to see Yosuke and Yu sitting in the living room, leaning against each other and holding hands.
“Hi, Yosuke-nii, big bro.” She waved her hand at Yu, who had started up to get her some supper. “I already ate, just have fun.”
“I’m supposed to be the one saying that…” Yu mourned while Yosuke just grinned at him. “Why’d she have to go and grow up so fast?”
Yosuke’s grin faltered, just like Yu’s joking tone did.
“You know, you shouldn’t have to be her mom.” He said, staring at Yu’s face. “It… it really sucks, I’ve put it all together now. You shouldn’t have to be making dinner alone, you shouldn’t have to walk her to school or do laundry just so she doesn’t, this should be… Dojima should be doing it. And even though you shouldn’t have to, I see why you do, and Yu, every time you need help from now on, you come to me, alright?”
“Alright,” Yu said, tearing up again. If he cried once, he cried a thousand times, it seemed. “Do you… you mean it?”
“Yes, of course!” Yosuke put his hands on Yu’s face, cradling him, wiping away tears with his thumbs. “Anytime, really, I’ll do anything for you, okay? You don’t have to take care of everything. I’ll help.”
Yu let loose, cried against Yosuke, who held him and shushed him and protected him like no one had ever done. He understood why people cried in front of their friends now, if this was the reaction it got.
When he had quieted down, Yosuke led him to his room and they prepared the futon.
“It’s chill if I stay over, right?” Yu’s voice got stuck in his throat, and he coughed a little before responding.
“Yeah.”
“Cool,” Yosuke said, grinning up at him. Yu had to look away.
Before, when Yosuke had slept over, they’d tugged out a separate guest futon, but this time he got into Yu’s pajamas and onto Yu’s futon like he belonged there, like there was going to be no argument about it. Yu still hesitated before laying down, and Yosuke dragged him to lay beside him.
“I’m sorry,” Yu whispered, trying to angle his hips away from him. “For– for being alive, I don’t know. I didn’t…”
“Hey,” Yosuke said, like he was the calm and rational one in this relationship. Yu made eye contact for him. “It’s okay. It happens. Do you wanna kiss about it, though? If that’s cool?”
“Yes, please,” Yu said, and Yosuke kissed him first again. He’d get him back another time, Yu promised. Now, though, he let Yosuke lick into his mouth, hold him tight, and just sort of ‘dominate’ him in general.
“Wait, wait,” he said when Yosuke put a hand on his waistband. “Wait. Uh, I–”
“You okay? Want me to stop?”
“Well, yeah, that’s the problem, I don’t.” Yu took a deep breath, leaned into Yosuke’s arm. “I feel like we’re going too fast, like I’m gonna, like, overstep, or you’ll just…”
To his horror, he felt tears again.
“Hey,” Yosuke said, quiet and calming, like he was talking to a cat. “Hey, we don’t have to do anything else. I’m just… I’m just happy to be near you, dude. We can totally stop right now.”
“You won’t be mad?”
“Dude, not even a little bit. Like I said, I’m just happy to be near you. C’mon, lay back down.”
Laying down, hugging Yosuke, Yu felt comfortable and protected. Yosuke fell asleep quickly, snuffling slightly in his sleep in a very cute manner. Was he really allowed to have this? With his free hand, Yu touched his kiss-swollen lips. He looked down at Yosuke’s mouth, which was in a similar state. He didn’t deserve this, did he?
Yosuke turned over slightly, cuddled closer in his sleep.
Who the fuck cared about whether he deserved it or not? He had it– Yu had to seize the day, he had to have a tight grip on what belonged to him. He had to let himself be held, because Yosuke was his and he was Yosuke’s now. The future could come, but Yu would find a way to keep him.
“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” Yu whispered. Yosuke didn’t respond, but in his sleep he smiled.