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It all started when Eddie sat up in bed, glared at the ceiling as it had personally offended him, and announced, “I am officially done being pregnant.” His due date had come and gone without any signs of labor. Even after a trip from the doctor, there was no unusual movement in his belly. Thankfully, the baby's heartbeat came through loud and clear, reassuring them that everything was fine—the baby was just taking its sweet time to arrive.
Buck, who had barricaded himself behind the pregnancy pillow, three throw blankets, and a half-eaten bag of sour gummy worms, looked up from Eddie’s snack-laden fortress with wide eyes. He liked to call it strategic nesting. “Define ‘done,’ like emotionally or physically or…”
“Yes.” Eddie flopped back down, one hand resting on his very round belly like it was a dramatic prop. “My back hurts. My hips are doing something illegal. I haven’t seen my feet in weeks. This baby has overstayed their welcome.”
Buck winced, setting his chip bag down and scooting a little closer. “Oof. Baby Diaz has been officially evicted.”
“Eviction implies cooperation,” Eddie muttered darkly. “This is a full-blown hostage situation.”
Buck leaned in conspiratorially, lowering his voice like the baby might hear. “What if we, like... took matters into our own hands?”
He cracked one eye open, already suspicious. “Buck, I swear to God, if you’re suggesting sex right now–”
“No!” Buck squeaked, then paused. “I mean, I was gonna bring that up eventually, but—no. I meant Google. We could look up safe ways to induce labor.”
Eddie considered this, his eyes fluttering closed briefly. A slow, tired yawn escaped. “Hm. That actually doesn’t sound too bad.”
Buck smiled softly, brushing a strand of hair off Eddie’s forehead. “It sounds like you’re tired, so I’ll stay up and do some research.”
There was a pause, filled only by the quiet rhythm of Eddie’s breathing as he rubbed slow, comforting circles over his belly. “Okay,” he whispered. “We’ll start in the morning. Just—nothing too weird.”
“No problem,” Buck said with a small, reassuring nod.
Eddie shifted slightly, settling back deeper into the pillows. His voice was soft but certain. “Goodnight. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Buck replied, leaning down to gently kiss Eddie’s temple and stomach before picking up his phone, already scrolling through articles and videos in the dim glow.
Attempt #1: Bouncing on an Exercise Ball
Buck had read somewhere—okay, on three separate mom blogs and a highly suspicious forum post—that bouncing gently on an exercise ball could help the baby engage and move things along. What the article failed to mention was how incredibly ridiculous it would look when attempted in the center of their small living room, with Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” blaring from Buck’s phone and Chris providing an unsolicited running commentary.
Eddie sat astride the large purple yoga ball, brows furrowed in intense concentration as he tried to bounce with any semblance of grace.
He did not succeed.
“I give up,” he grumbled, one hand braced on the back of the couch for stability, the other on his massive belly. “This is never going to work.”
Buck, wearing an enthusiastic grin and a headband he absolutely did not need, clapped along to the beat like they were in some kind of extremely niche exercise video. “Hey, none of that, come on! Just think of it as physics. Gravity is your friend, so bounce that baby down!”
“Remind me why I let you move in,” Eddie muttered.
“Because I cook for you and provide five-star emotional support,” Buck said, adjusting the phone volume as the beat kicked up. “And because you love me.”
“Right now, that's looking debatable.”
“That’s just the exhaustion talking,” Buck shot back, waving it off.
Chris sat in the chair, a juice box in one hand and his untouched homework balanced on his lap. “Your form’s a little off, Dad,” he said through a slurp.“You wanna keep your knees loose. You look tense.”
“I am tense,” Eddie snapped. “There’s going to be an entire human trying to crawl out of me.”
Chris grimaced. ”I could’ve went my whole life without that visual.”
“Work those legs Diaz, you can do it, two more bounces!” He said, with enthusiasm.
“If this ends with me in labor and a pulled groin, I’m naming the baby after Salt-N-Pepa out of spite.”
“I actually support that,” Buck said immediately. “Too bad we aren’t having twins.”
They all paused as Eddie let out a low groan, rubbing at his back.
“Okay, that’s enough,” he said quickly, crossing the room in two strides and gently steadying him. “Come on, champ. Let’s get you some water.”
“I think I bruised my dignity,” Eddie said, leaning against Buck’s chest with a sigh.
Buck let out a soft laugh, wrapping an arm around Eddie’s waist to guide him carefully to the couch. “I wouldn’t say that, your dignity seems intact to me. Slightly jostled, maybe.”
“Shut up,” Eddie muttered, even as he melted into the couch cushions with a relieved groan.
“You know,” Buck said, his voice softer now, “You don’t have to try so hard. Let the baby come when they’re ready, like the doctor said.”
Eddie glanced at him, something tired and tender in his eyes. “I know. But I’m... uncomfortable. And anxious. And—” His voice cracked just slightly. “I just want to meet her already.”
Buck nodded, his hand curling around Eddie’s calf to massage it. “Okay, I'll make sure the next attempt isn’t too straining on your body.
Eddie huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I officially hate that yoga ball.”
Chris looked between them with a furrowed brow. “So… are we not doing lunges next?”
Both Eddie and Buck groaned simultaneously.
“No,” Eddie said, dragging a hand over his face. “God, no.”
“Absolutely not,” Buck added. “Also, that yoga ball is now retired. Honorable discharge.”
“It bounced bravely,” Chris said solemnly.
“You two are ridiculous.”
Attempt #2: Spicy Foods
“This is the weirdest idea you've had so far,” Eddie said, eyeing the array of styrofoam containers spread across the kitchen table like a lineup of edible dares.
Buck popped the lid off one with a flourish. “Correction: this is the hottest idea we’ve had so far. Literally. The lady on the phone asked if we were sure. That’s how you know it’s legit.”
“She also told you to have milk on standby,” Chris added helpfully, giving each of them a glass of milk. “And she said, and I quote, ‘You’re gonna regret this.’”
Eddie sighed, shifting awkwardly in his chair to make room for his ever-growing belly. “I already regret this, and I haven’t even touched anything.”
Buck placed a container of spicy noodles in front of Eddie. “Just think of it as fuel. Spice things up, get the baby moving.”
Eddie shot him a deadpan look but, with a reluctant acceptance, lifted his fork, glistening with sauce. “Here’s to spending hours in the bathroom later.”
“Cheers,” Buck said brightly, clinking his fork against Eddie’s.
They both took a bite.
Eddie's eyes widened in shock as he dropped his fork back into the container, confusion giving way to panic. Grabbing the milk with both hands, he gulped it down like a man stranded in the desert. "Oh my God-"
Buck sputtered, his face turning a vibrant shade of crimson as he coughed and struggled to control the fiery sensation raging in his mouth. Tears welled in his eyes, and he fanned his face in a futile attempt to cool down the heat. “Okay, wow—that’s definitely hotter than I was prepared for.”
“I can’t feel my tongue,” Eddie gasped, already gulping down milk in desperate intervals. “Why did we do this? We should’ve just stuck with the ball.”
“This method is the most effective,” Buck said weakly, blinking rapidly as he fanned his mouth. “And I remember you saying, ‘Anything to get this baby out, as long as it’s not too weird.’”
“I need to lie down. Or cry. Or both.” Eddie replied, the weight of their reckless decision crashing down on him amidst the chaos of swirling flavors and heat.
Meanwhile, Chris had filmed the entire thing, already smiling at the thought of watching it all back later.
Attempt #3: Walking
“It’s simple,” Buck said, holding up his phone like it held the wisdom of the universe. “Walking helps the baby drop. Helps your hips open up. Encourages contractions.”
Eddie, who was slumped on the couch, glared up at him. “You said today was going to be low-effort.”
Buck’s grin was unrelenting. “It is low-effort. It's walking, not a triathlon.”
“I’m carrying a small human and half my internal organs in my pelvis. You wanna try that while walking a mile and call it ‘low-effort’?”
“I mean… I would if I could,” Buck said, crouching in front of him and gently lacing Eddie’s shoes, which had become a two-person job weeks ago. “But since I can’t, I’ll walk with you. So will Chris.”
"Chris?" He asked, surprised. "How’d you talk him into that?"
“Buck swore we’d make his homemade sugar cookies afterwards,” Chris said, walking past them.
“What can I say? Bribery is a valid parenting strategy,” Buck replied, tugging the laces tight with a satisfying snap.
“I’m guessing that’ll apply to the baby, too?”
“Absolutely. She’s getting whatever she wants, no questions asked.”
Eddie shook his head, smiling. “She’s going to have you wrapped around her tiny little finger before she can even sit up.”
“She already does,” Buck said simply, “I know you see the way she kicks when she hears my voice. Total daddy’s girl.”
After tying his shoes, Buck reached out and helped Eddie to his feet, steadying him with a firm but caring grip.
“You know what? For every mile we walk, I’ll give you a bunch of kisses,” He added, leaning in to nuzzle Eddie’s cheek with a smile that was way too pleased with itself.
Eddie raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “How many is ‘a bunch’?”
Buck pretended to think, tapping his chin. “Let’s say… five kisses per mile. That’s reasonable.”
Eddie smirked, his tone teasing but low, warm. “Well, I do love your lips on mine, so… guess I’m a little more motivated now.”
Buck beamed, looking far too smug.“Works every time.”
Chris made a gagging noise from the doorway. “Gross. I’m walking ahead of you two.”
“You’re only upset because you’re not getting any kisses,” Buck called after him.
”Still want my cookies!”
They made it exactly two houses down the street before Eddie came to a full stop, one hand on his lower back and the other shielding his eyes from the sun.
“Water break,” he announced, slightly out of breath.
Chris turned to face him, arms crossed and expression grave. “Dad,” he said with all the seriousness of a disappointed coach, “We’ve only been walking for five minutes and you haven’t even made it past Jim’s driveway.”
“Sorry for finding walking difficult while I’m nurturing new life,” Eddie declared with dramatic flair, “What exactly did you accomplish today?”
“Algebra homework,” he replied flatly, the corners of his mouth twitching in an attempt to hold back a grin.
Buck let out a snort, though Eddie's playful expression quickly shifted as he clenched his arm with surprising urgency.
“What happened? Are you having a contraction?” Buck asked, his voice filled with concern as he read the panic in Eddie’s eyes.
“No, no!” Eddie gasped. “It’s my bladder. I need a bathroom. Like right now!"
With Chris already ahead of them, they speed-walked (or more like speed-waddled) home like two partners on a secret mission, Buck yelling “Clear the path, pregnant husband coming through!” even though no one else was outside.
“I’m going to pee on the front porch of my own house,” Eddie groaned, forehead pressed against the door.
“This is fine! This is all part of the journey!” Buck assured him, his eyes darting around in a frantic search for his keys.
“I hate this journey.”
In the end, Buck felt guilty that they never actually walked a mile, so after baking sugar cookies with Chris, he practically smothered Eddie in kisses until they were both breathless and laughing on the couch.
Attempt #4: Intimacy
“So apparently,” Buck started, his voice low and a little tentative as he traced lazy circles along Eddie’s forearm, “Sex is also supposed to help induce labor, or so I’ve heard from those blogs.”
The lights were dim now, the room wrapped in quiet warmth. Eddie was lying half on his side, half on Buck, wearing one of Buck’s oldest, softest shirts. His hand rested over his belly, thumb tracing an unconscious rhythm against the stretched fabric.
“Are you trying to seduce me with a medical fact?”
Buck grinned, tilting his head. “Depends. Is it working?”
Eddie huffed a quiet laugh and closed his eyes again, his breath evening out for a moment before he spoke. “You know,” he said, quieter now, almost hesitant, “it’s not that I haven’t thought about it.”
Buck’s grin softened, falling into something gentler. He waited, sensing the shift.
"I just..." Eddie exhaled slowly. "I feel so swollen all the time. My body aches, I’m constantly exhausted, and—" He shifted uncomfortably, a slight wince crossing his face. "Feeling attractive is pretty far down the list right now."
Buck’s frown was immediate, his fingers trailing gently down Eddie’s arm until they found his hand. “Hey, no, Eddie, you’re— God, you’re beautiful. I see you every day, and I’m in awe.”
Eddie swallowed hard, his throat working against the surge of emotion threatening to break free.
Buck leaned in closer, pressing soft kisses to the curve of Eddie’s shoulder, then his collarbone. “I just wanna make you feel good,” he murmured, voice low and steady, vibrating against Eddie’s skin. “Tell me how. Just tell me what you need, baby.”
Eddie’s hand clutched the fabric of Buck’s shirt, knuckles white with need. His voice trembled, barely more than a breath. “Just… don’t stop. Keep touching me like that. Please.”
“I won’t,” he murmured, voice low and steady. “You’ve got me. I’m not going anywhere.”
When his fingers slipped beneath the hem, brushing the skin just above the gentle swell of Eddie’s belly, Eddie’s breath hitched. But instead of pulling back, he leaned closer, tucking his forehead against Buck’s neck with a soft sigh.
“Fuck, I missed this,” Eddie said, but it almost comes out as a whimper. “Sorry that I haven’t been in the mood.”
Buck shook his head immediately, his hand pausing just under the hem of Eddie’s shirt, fingers resting in the space where fabric met skin. “Don’t apologize,” he said gently, “You don’t owe me a damn thing. You’re carrying our baby. You’re doing something incredible, and I get to love you through all of it.”
Eddie let out a deep, tender hum as Buck continued to trace every line of his body with his mouth. He followed the trail of freckles and moles like a map he never wanted to stop exploring, whispering words of praise as he went. He settled on Eddie's belly, placing a lingering kiss there, as if making a silent promise. Then he leaned in, fitting their bodies close, the curve of Eddie’s stomach nestled against him, before letting desire take the reins.
Later that night
Buck stirred slightly, arm instinctively sliding around Eddie’s waist in his sleep. He shifted closer, seeking the familiar warmth of his husband’s back, and let his hand trail downward.
His fingers brushed over Eddie’s lower belly, then further down—and froze.
The fabric of Eddie’s pajama pants was damp. Soaked, actually.
Buck blinked into the darkness, brain foggy with sleep. “Babe?” he whispered, brows furrowing. He patted again, just to be sure. The wetness was unmistakable. “Hey, Eds… why are you wet?”
Eddie stirred at the sound of Buck’s voice and the light touch to his hip. “Hmm?” he mumbled, groggy. “What’re you talking about?”
“I went to spoon you,” Buck said, now fully awake and sitting up slightly on one elbow. “And your pants are soaked. Did you—uh, did you pee? I mean—it’s okay if you did. You don’t have to feel embarrassed. Your bladder’s been under siege for months, so no judgment, I just—"
“Buck,” Eddie interrupted, voice calm but a little dazed, hand gripping Buck’s wrist gently. “That… isn’t pee.”
Buck blinked, processing. “…What do you mean it’s not—”
“I think,” Eddie said slowly like he was still trying to wrap his head around it himself, “I think my water just broke.”
There was a single beat of silence where Buck just blinked at him.
Then—
HOLY SHIT THE BABY’S COMING!
Operation: Baby Eviction Complete ☑