Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Faded Reflections

Everyone calls me “creative”
Everyone calls me “artistic”
Just like how they call me “she” and not “he”.
Though it’s like I’ve forgotten how it feels to be me.
There’s more in my brain.
My sad, dull, creative pain.
There’s more under my skin.
And they throw it in the “artsy” bin.

A sweet sense of nostalgia,
A bitter gush of regret.
even in doubt, I stand taller.
I think I'm drowning in debt.

Treat as you're treated,
treat as you wish to be.
Whisper with lies,
get hunt down with eyes.

If they strike, I strike back.
Like a match, seething rage feeding flames.
Silence may speak volumes, but mine only whispers.
breathes rumours about envious agony.
The me they try not to see.
My true identity.

Can you remember?
I can't remember.
Will you remember?
I won't remember.
Do I remember?
I don't remember.

I don't sob, I just cry.
I guess I've already died inside.
within my eyes, there’s still some light.
I sometimes ignore it when it just feels right.

Though these words may be forced
maybe they’re the absolute worst
my words still have some semblance of thought
complex words — it’s not all rot

It seems I’ve forgotten. How disappointing.

Chapter Text

The girl breathes heavily. The ghost touch of hands still plague her skin, writhing underneath the derma like maggots.
Disgusting.
Her mother is disgusting. Giving her away to 'loan sharks' because of unpaid debt. Should the girl even know these words at her age?
Painful.
The loan sharks leave the girl battered and bruised in her mother's hands, only to be further damaged by the hands that should care for her.

what have these people stolen from her? She's only 9.

"Layla," Mother seethes, the handle of Layla's door banging into the wall. Cruel cerulean eyes lock on to the trembling form of a girl, like a predator locating its prey. "Get up, stupid girl."
"It hurts," Layla mumbles, curling in on herself further. When does it not? She's already lost her friends, forcefully torn away by the monster that is her mother. "It hurts."
A cruel hand clamps onto the frail forearm of the girl, shaking her child angrily. "Get up," Mother- no- the woman snarls, dragging Layla from her only safe haven and onto the unforgiving polished hardwood floors. "They're here. They don't like it when you're late, girl."

Disgusting.
Layla is disgusting. She should be able to protect herself from this. instead, she wishes for her friends to shield her. Like they always did.
Painful.
Existence is painful. The damage branded on her skin should hurt. She deserves it.
The ghost of touch underneath the derma weighs down on her conscious like chains.

The woman has stolen too much from the child.

Chapter Text

It was a cloudy day, and the sheet of paper in front of Luci was covered in miniature cards. They were playing a mini game of Speed against their friend Scott, and Luci was winning so far.

Scott looked up as two people approached the pair, as did Luci. “Ah! You two came!” Scott said, standing up to greet them.

“Of course we would,” one responded. “Who’s your little goth friend?”

“Oh, this is Luci. Luci, meet Lexi,” Scott pointed at the first one to speak, “and Levi.”

“Nice to meet you guys,” Luci said, smiling politely at them. Luci gathered their mini cards up, sliding the stack into a small plastic container. “What are we doing now?”

Lexi sat on the table next to Luci’s, adjusting her thick brown hair to sit evenly on her shoulders. “Lev, tell them the game plan.”

“So,” Levi started, sifting a hand through his equally chocolate brown hair. “Today is a half day, so we plan to leave as soon as we can to get to the junction of Main and Fifth. The shop closest to there has an alleyway down the side.”

“The salon?” Lexi asked.

Lexi confirmed and started explaining. “Apparently, the back of the place is a hotspot for shady deals and such. We’ve only heard about it.”

“What? No way am I doing that!” Scott exclaims, sitting back in his chair. “No! No, not for me.”

“Well, why not? It seems like it will be fun,” Luci said, tilting their head slightly to the side.

“I’ll wait outside the alleyway for you then, but I’m not going in.”

Levi nodded at Scott. “I’ll wait with you then,” Levi said, flashing a quick glance at his sister to tell her that his decision was final.

Lexi sighed, adjusting her thick curtain bangs again. Luci thought she looked like a model in her hoodie. Lexi handed Luci a neatly folded paper with her number and told them to text her when they and Scott got to Fifth-Main.

The four regrouped at the corner, dashing into the alleyway when nobody was looking. Levi and Scott hung back as expected.

Lexi and Luci, however, clipped themselves together with one of Luci’s chains with their belt loops and headed down the dark hall past the door.

It opened into a casino of some type, with a boxed-off area at the middle.

Except

it

wasn’t

normal.

Every table was only room enough for two people to sit. Everyone playing was at a table against a wall. Luci thought nothing of it.

“Stay with me, Luci,” Lexi whispered into their ear, stealing another one of Luci’s chains to extend the one tethering them together.

They headed to an empty table, sitting, and choosing to play Tic Tac Toe. Simple enough.

It was not simple.

Luci’s hand went to the necklace that signalled Scott to come in, but Lexi shook her head. The table whirled in a circle, getting pulled into the wall and locking the two in place.

Luci’s pen glowed. “Just keep getting into a draw,” they whispered to Lexi.

x|o|x|     o|o|x
o|x|o|     x|x|o
o|x|o|    o|x|o

              One more game and we’ll be free.

“Oh, how smart of you two!” A man in suspenders stepped out from the centre cube. “Draw until 3 games and get out unscathed.”

Luci grabbed their necklace frantically, hoping Levi or Scott would come save them in time.

“William,” the man introduced himself. William grabbed Lexi and Luci by the wrists after unlocking them and dragged them into the cube.

“You first, goth kid!” William laughed, throwing Luci into a chair, leaving Lexi to stumble next to them. The table in front of Luci was grimy, perhaps covered in old blood.

William pointed at the wall opposite the door. Images of bare skin with Tic Tac Toe games engraved into the skin. Luci realised that they and Lexi would come next to that mess.

The chair Luci sat on was now dumping them onto the table, taking their black jacket with it. Luci thought of the many things that could have led to this happening.

                            They probably deserved it.

“So, tell me about yourself,” William said, bringing a knife closer to the plain black shirt Luci wore. He stepped on a pedal, and clamps captured Luci’s limbs against the table. “I can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl.”

Luci struggled against the restraints. “I’m neither,”

“Is that so? Then what’s under your lovely shirt? Will that tell me?”

“Probably.” Do I care if he finds out that I’m ‘male’? Does it matter? I’ll die anyways. I’ll die if it means my friend lives.

“NO! Don’t hurt them!” Lexi yelped from the table leg, where she sat in terror.

Too late.

Luci heard the tearing of fabric as the blade tore through their shirt. William didn’t touch the sleeves, though.

The burning knife shocked Luci as the metal was pressed into their skin. Someone screamed, they weren’t sure who.

X|O|O

O|X|O

X|O|X

“Oh! X wins! You live, how EXCITING!” William laughed and laughed and laughed.

The door burst open, and Scott rushed in. He shoved the maniac into the wall. A flannel jacket drifted over Luci’s bleeding back.

Luci’s eyes shut slowly. They were safe.

It’s alright. Time to sleep.

Chapter Text

The last, the very last,

So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.

Perhaps if the sun’s tears

Would sing against a white stone.

Such, such a yellow

Is carried lightly

Way up high.

It went away

I’m sure because it wished

To kiss the world

Good-bye.

For seven weeks

I’ve lived in here,

Penned up inside this ghetto.

But I have found

What I love here.

The dandelions call to me

And the white chestnut branches

In the court.

Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly

Was the last one.

Butterflies don’t live here,

In the ghetto.

Chapter Text

Rain.

The gentle sound of it slamming into the roof can calm most people. The water rushing down the storm pipes. Excess water falling onto the floor from a gutter adds to the calming aura. The darkness of night makes me feel… lost. The cold touch of the window glass is against my hands as I stare at the pounding ocean across the road. Moonlight trying to break the clouds and shine in all its glory over the wet land. Freezing air drifting through the small gaps of the window opening, multiplying the feeling of non-existence. The gentle fssss CRRRR fssss CRRRR of the ocean is as consistent as the rain. The coldness of the windowpane against my forehead gives me the sense of drifting away, as I bring my bare legs to my chest and pull my giant hoodie over myself.

The rain has stopped now, the only ambience is the blowing wind and harsh waves to suffice the lack of rain.  I’m drifting away at this point.

Why am I still here, laying on a single mattress upon the floor of a family friend’s beachside house at the ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■?

Why are any of us still here?

Humanity should’ve ended some time ago.

But it could end too soon.

Australia is such a beautiful continent. Why are we killing it?

Well, what can I, a simple, ordinary person do to help?

I don’t know.

Good night, Earth.

Shine bright.

Don’t let the asteroids bite.

Chapter Text

              Akio watches the recycled birdcage spin round and round, a strange bubble of emotions inside of his chest. He's not sure what he feels. Fear? Apprehension? He's not sure.

              His older sister, Hiyagi, stands close to him, his shoulder brushing her elbow. One of her wings wraps around the boy, shielding him.

              The town square is quiet, a collective breath of anticipation being held, the only sound being the rattling of the birdcage.

              A clatter of a wooden ball dropping onto a tray, splitting open and spilling out a scrap of paper. The enlister picks it up, squinting at it in the setting sunlight. An electric current of tension runs through the crowd, filling Akio with a new feeling.

              "Akiko Nakazawa?" The enlister calls out, sending a bolt of pure dread down his spine. Oh no.

              Hiyagi tightens her wing around Akio, outrage etched in her posture. "He's only ten, sir!" She shouts, tinted glasses falling further down her nose. She levels the enlister with a heavy glare. "You're not taking him to the army."

              "Her name was in the raffle, can't do nothing about it, sweetie," the enlister said, voice oily. "We’ll be at the Nakazawa estate at 6:00 sharp tomorrow.”

              Hiyagi lets out a noise not unlike a growl, her pupils narrowing to slits. Her tail feathers puff up, a harpy’s sign of aggression. But she doesn’t argue, simply taking Akio’s hand in her own and shouldering through the crowd in the direction of home. Akio lets himself be led, bleakly wondering how close the end is.

At their house, Akio and Hiyagi talk quietly in their shared room. She shows him documents he can’t quite understand, explaining that they were going to run away and flee to the Crystal Forest Monastery, away from their parents and the army.

“We must leave before-“

“What about Alice?” Akio interrupts, whispering a quick sorry. “I- I don’t want her- or any of my friends- to worry.”

Hiyagi smiles, ruffling her brother’s hair. “We can write to them once we’re safe,” she murmurs, wrapping her wings around Akio.

Akio blinks up at Hiyagi. “Promise we’ll be okay?”

“Promise.”

Akio Nakazawa of Moonshire. Age 12. Phoenix Beastfolk.

Hiyagi Nakazawa of Moonshire. Age 15. Phoenix Beastfolk.

              Akio read over the headings again, allowing himself a soft smile. He could hear the sounds of sparring coming from the training room, one room below. Two years ago, he had fled The Capitol to find sanctum with his sister in the Crystal Forest. Now, he finds himself enjoying training instead of resenting it.

              Akio places the papers down, instead picking up a letter. He rereads the contents, thumbing the edge of the parchment. His heart gives a strange little feeling as he looks at the name at the bottom. Alice.

              The door in front of him rattles in warning before sliding open, revealing one of the newer students. She called herself Hex, if he recalled correctly.

              “Phoenix, sir, Willow has sent for you,” Hex says, bowing her head. Her midnight hair cascades around her face. “In the, uhm… Moon Shrine.”

              Thank you, Hex, Akio signs, rising to his feet. With a quick flutter of his wings, he walks past Hex and down the hall, out onto a small stone pavilion overlooking the forest.

              Akio keeps walking until the edge, taking into the sky with a step and a flourish of ember-imbued feathers. Up, up and up until the top floor of the monastery he goes, tucking his wings in and diving through a window.

              Hiyagi looks up with a yelp, almost dropping a small book she held. “Moons above, you scared me, Akio,” she laughs, patting the stone bench next to her in an invitation to sit. “I have something to tell you. It relates to… two years ago.”

              Quickly, Akio sits, brushing wings with Hiyagi. If she waited two years to tell him something, it must be important.

              “Um… you know how your name was in the lottery? It… it was supposed to be my name in there, not yours. I overheard our parents talking about it… they put your name instead of mine at the last minute.”

              Akio stares, his pale turquoise eyes widening in rare emotion. “…They… they what?”

              Wings are around him in an instant, a hand against the back of his head and his sister’s face in his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t say anything because I was scared. I thought your name wouldn’t get drawn. I should’ve stopped them, I’m sorry.”

              “You promised we’d be okay,” Akio begins, interrupted by Hiyagi making a sad noise. “Stop. We are okay. You made sure of that. It’s fine.” His voice trembles slightly.

              “I did,” Hiyagi says. “And we will be okay as long as we’re together.”

              “You promise?”

              “I promise.”

Chapter Text

The cold and harsh winds

Blow against my skin

As I stand in the spotlight

They want me dead, dying, gone

For I refused to burn.

Burning in loss

A shell

Of my former self.

They took my soul,

Fed it to their pigs.

It seems

That we

Can never just be

“ourselves”

As I am not like Him.

It’s like I’m drowning at the beginning,

Not at the end.

They’re taking my life, now

Feeding me to the flames,

Letting that vessel turn to ash.

We won’t forgive.

They will forget.

A bullet engraved

Right in His brain.

He was vexed…

But I

Will

Not

Forget.

Chapter Text

How to dehumanise somebody.
Start by lying to their face,
This will make them lose self-worth.
Make propaganda about their race,
This will make others de-value them.
Separate them from normal people,
make them believe they’re worse.
Take away their identity.
Remove anything that makes them recognizable.
Deteriorate their soul.
They’re the sub-human, devolved from the better.
Fight those who protect them.
It’s a crime to harbour wild animals, anyways.
Force the sub-humans to watch their friends burn.
Animals don’t get to have friends.

Spread your malignant hatred among the people,
One by one, turn minds against bodies
you’re the power behind these events, you’re vexed
a narcissistic mindset, are you the best?
build deathcamps across the land
And ignore those who asked:

“When will this end?"

Chapter Text

oh golden sun
brushing the land where you’re permitted
washing the grass with honey stained light
oh golden sun
shining sweetly for those permitted to witness your rising
wrapping the trees in golden warmth
oh golden sun
you make me wish I knew how to love
because then i could love you
oh golden sun
your beauty outshines all others
my excellent star

Chapter Text

it is cold.

cold like ice

cold like the ground

cold like a frozen glacier

it is cold.

cold as ice

cold as the ground

cold as a frozen glacier

i am cold.

skin like ice

hair like the ground

joints like a frozen glacier

i’m so cold.

my skin is as cold as ice.

my hair is as brittle as the ground.

my joints are as unmoving as a frozen glacier.

it is cold.

Chapter Text

Elegant beasts of the sky

and of the sea and of the land

made of silver and gold

white as the moon

black as the night

made of crystal and obsidian

shockingly beautiful

terrifyingly eloquent

rulers of the aether

and of the day and of the night

spectral prisms of seven lights

deep sea dwellers and misfortune sellers

etherial magic and breath

lava scales and polar skin

masters of the weave and knowledge

fickle foxes of the mind

carving worlds with claws so big

ending worlds with wings too big

saccharine words designed to lie

claiming the skies with wings sun high

every crack and crevice

A draconic presence

I wish i was a dragon

then all my problems would change

no more worrying about how i present myself

I’d be a dragon, that’s good enough

no more worrying about who likes me and who doesn’t

i can just eat my enemies and crush them to bits

no more caring about running out of time

i’ll live for centuries, i can bide my time

no more caring about ridiculous politics and my human rights

I’m a fucking dragon. I’m ruling the world.

I can only dream.

Chapter Text

empty.

It is empty.

empty void

empty eyes

empty soul.

there is nothing.

but there is space for something, someone.

they might never be found.

therefore, I am empty.

perhaps not.

there are marks that exist that bloom and blossom like the countless stars in the night sky.

there is skin as pale as the full moon, with gentle fading to the craters that blemish the delicate surface.

there are eyes but the life is barely there, with pupils against irises as if the eclipsed sun is hung in the day sky.

there is a body that the owner hates but makes it his own.

Even so… it feels.

so empty.

vast nothingness.

pure aether.

nothing but nothing.

empty.

Chapter Text

I want to write
But there is a droning in my head
Drowning out all semblance of thought

I want to draw
But there are shackles on my wrists
Hindering the process I take to create

I want to sing
But there is a blockage in my throat
letting me breathe but not letting me sing

I want to live
Yet there is no reason for me to
but I still march on endlessly with the rest of humanity
What is even the point
If I can't live life how I want to
I do not wish to die
but I want to live differently

Everything sucks
All I hear about is America
Shoot the president already
Not my people not my country
Not my monkeys not my circus
this is not propaganda
It is simply the truth
If you take offense
perhaps evaluate your life.

I want to live life how I want to
I don't want to be discriminated against for being me
feigning indifference when you hate
Will only send you downhill
hating on what you do not understand
is foolish and childish
what will you learn
If you refuse to learn in the first place

"AI is the future!!"
"AI is the best!!"
Sincerely, shut the fuck up
consider changing that dim bulb
or shut your mouth forever.
AI has nothing
Humans have everything.

I want to be me.
how can I, though?
When the world is falling to bits.

Chapter Text

your music is so beautiful

An inner turmoil of pain

expressing what words cannot

how i wish i had your talent

I’d give up something

so that i’d be blessed with the ability of creation

alas i am stuck here 

enjoying your soul

enjoying your agony

enjoying your mind

alas i can only create words with no rhythm or rhyme

how I wish i could do more than repeat back the syllables sung to me at specific intonations

your music is so beautiful

communicating emotion in a language anyone can understand

even if the words are foreign

your mind is beautiful.

i will listen any time you need.

Chapter Text

the stars accept me
never asking me to act a certain way
or show myself to the world a certain way

the day makes me feel alone
despite the sun shining her beautiful warm rays down
i don’t feel like me under the blue sky

the stars are my friends
the shooting stars their smiles
the asteroids are their laughs
so bright and so bold
i feel like me in the night

she is the day
all silence and stares
he is the night
all laughs and love

i rejoice beneath the stars
for they know me
the stars my soul
the shooting stars my tears
the asteroids my emotions
i exist beneath the day
for it only knows her
the clouds my thoughts
the blue my eyes
the sun my heart 

the day is warm
she suffocates me
the night is cool
he welcomes me

I am the day
but i wish i was the night
the day is nice
but the night is my desire
the day doesnt know me
I try to tell the day who i am
and the sun sets
but the night understands
i can speak to the night and it listens
the stars twinkle in cadence
the shooting stars glimmer
the asteroids dance

I’m sad to see my friends get engulfed by the sun
forcing them to hide who they truly wish to be
im consumed by the sun
I want to see the night
For the stars love me
and I love the stars

Chapter Text

“don’t do that,” you snap

even though I can’t help it

only those like me get it.

“xenophobia? I’d never!” you laugh,

your actions speak otherwise.

righteous people run this world to ruin.

I just want to live.

but it’s not that easy.

one way to put it is

no, I’m a person of my own free will.

unless another person comes along and

clears my facts with their opinions.

life means nothing in the face of authority,

even if it’s the one thing that can’t kill.

I do not understand the

crime of expressing my emotions.

and even if I am disabled,

cut down by the “normal,”

I will not falter.

DNA is what we are, after all.

Chapter Text

i hope one day the night sky freezes over

because then the stars can no longer see me 

i am frozen over

i do not wish to see the stars

they glitter and shine in the corners of my eyes

but they’re the same stars i see each night

i wish to dance with demons

i have a place among them

the stars are too pure for my treachery

and i hate them for that

but i envy them. I wish to glitter and gleam and take up the sky but unfortunately i don’t

and i never will

and i hate them for that

i hate the world for that

let me take my well deserved fame

like the famished and greedy bastard i am

let me take that sacred serum

and form myself into a new being that i desire

let me be the stars

that glitter and gleam and glow

smiling sadly down on this pitiful world

Chapter Text

painful

rotten

turmoil

13

marks

total

offending

tool

held

brandished

in

hand

it burns

please

i’m sorry 

forgive me

i mean it no longer

are you still my friend?

please let my smile transfer to you

tonight isn’t the time to bid adieu

the simmering pot of my emotion

had its flames stoked steadily 

over time soot coated the stone

and it boiled over now

can we still be friends?

Chapter Text

I feel heavy.

cumbersome. tired. done.

I feel alone.

surrounded yet isolated.

I feel stuck.

there's nothing more for me.

13.

I hate that number now.