Chapter Text
It had started in the final months of his theology major, the voicemails that weren't meant for him. He had needed to change to a cheaper phone subscription and he couldn’t keep the same number and so needed to get a new one. The calls usually came in the middle of the night, or in the evening when he was deep in his books. It's how he missed the first few. He hadn't tried to answer that particular number after. Saving it to his phone as 'do not answer'. It only took listening to one or two of the voicemails to realise the person was calling his number because it had belonged to someone they lost, and who was he to deny them that comfort.
"I'm so sorry, for killing you. Letting you die. Everyone tells me not to blame myself, but I can't help but do"
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The calls stop being daily after a while, turn into once a week. Then once every two weeks and sort of sticking with that schedule. Sometimes a text message comes in sooner than the fortnightly call. Dennis hopes the calls coincide with therapy appointments, but it doesn’t sound like the stranger is attending any therapy. He wouldn’t be still stuck in the same patterns, still getting panic attacks and dissociative episodes. He knows so much about this man, how he reacts to stress, how it impacts him in the long run. That he is a doctor in charge of an emergency department and how he loves teaching the residents and med students that work there. That he always runs cold and that his favourite colour is dark blue. He knows so much about him and doesn't even know his name.
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"Who's that?" he asks no one in particular but there are enough people standing around him that someone is bound to answer.
"Dr. Jack Abbot. Night shift attending" Langdon answers. Dennis looks at the way Robby puts a hand on his shoulder and pulls him close, and -oh- suddenly everything comes together.
"I think I'm in love with him. I think I'm in love with Jack Abbot and Gloria is going to murder me if I ever make a move. I don't think being on different shifts is enough to evade her anger at us dating on the work floor" The words echo around his head. That particular call had been one of the first ones where his sad stranger wasn't just apologizing for letting whoever this number had belonged to before die. It always stuck with Dennis, how sad it must be to not be able to pursue the one you love because you aren't allowed to work together.
He can't really keep thinking about his boss as 'his sad stranger' now, can he? He would need to block his number or change his voicemail to a personal one instead of the automated message. No wait that would still give away it was him who had been listening to those messages all these years.
There is no more time to linger on that thought as he's pulled into the chaos that is the MCI. Not until he steals himself to step into pedes for a blanket and instead finds Dr. Robby on the floor, curled in on himself. He is muttering something, and Dennis can't understand him but he knows what prayer sounds like, and this is definitely it. He probably can't use his catholic knowledge, between the language and the surname he's almost certain that Dr. Robby is Jewish. He can however still listen, like he always has done.
He slides down on the floor beside him, slightly unsure if it is the right thing to do. He never followed the class 'how to calm down your boss during a breakdown'.
"You have to go. You have to go. They need you out there" Dr. Robby says as he turns to him, tears clear on his face and eyes red.
"We need you out there" Dennis replies without really thinking about it. It’s the only thing that comes to mind. Dr. Robby shakes his head and curls back in on himself. Time for a different approach then. He climbs back up again and extends a hand.
"Okay, come on, give me your hand"
"I can't" his voice is wet with tears.
"You have to. Because if you don't, we're fucked" Dennis curses himself for letting those words leave his brain. It's never good to guilt trip anyone. Dr. Robby finally looks up at him and seems to overcome some internal battle and takes the hand. Dennis helps him up and as soon as they're both on their feet again Dr. Robby shoves him away. He understands it for the dismissal that it is, and turns to grab the blanket he had come for.
"Okay, see you out there, captain" and he leaves the room with a knot in his stomach.
He doesn’t really see much of Dr. Robby until he walks out of an elevator and finds him talking to Dr. Shen.
"Hey Whitaker, you got a minute?" Dr. Robby asks as he puts a hand on Dennis' shoulder and steers him away.
"Yeah, yeah" he answers and lets himself be led to an emptier stretch of hallway.
"I just wanted to say thank you, for earlier when I was…" He sort of trails off at the end, seemingly not able to put into words what had happened.
"Oh, your brief moment of silent reflection?" Dennis says, having seen the conversation coming and had mentally prepared for it already.
"Yeah, you didn't mention that to anybody?" Dr. Robby asks.
'You already did, to me' Dennis thinks, but instead answers a quick and panicked "No, no. God, no. No".
"I don't know what that was. I was just--felt like I was drowning" Dr. Robby says and a short silence falls between them.
"What was that you were reciting?" Dennis then asks, curious by nature and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Dr. Robby doesn’t seem to mind answering it, even gives him a small smile. "It's called the Shema prayer, it's a declaration of faith in God. I lived with my grandmother when I was little, and she and I used to recite it every morning"
"even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. But those who hold hope in the Lord will renew their strength and soar on wings like eagles" Dennis quotes. "It's Isaiah 40. I was an undergrad theology major. I don't know why I said that" he quickly adds, not wanting Dr. Robby to get the wrong idea.
"I don’t know if I actually believe in God, especially on days like today" Dr. Robby says, and he sounds a bit defeated.
"A wise man once told me that you learn to live with it, learn to accept it, and find balance if you can. I hope we all do" Dennis says, echoing his own words back to him. Dr. Robby just nods and he sees it as his cue to get the hell out of there before he makes anything worse.
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He goes home to his new bedroom in Santos' flat with a heavy feeling in his stomach. He had seen Robby and Abbot walk out together, and hopes they could find some comfort with each other. He wonders if he should tell anyone about what he saw today, what he has gotten to know over the years. But who could he tell without putting Dr. Robby's career at risk? How could he tell someone that the man leading the ED has been suffering from undiagnosed PTSD for years and might have endangered patients in the process? He doesn’t think he can bear the guilt of it if Dr. Robby got fired because he blabbed to someone. If he never got to practise medicine again it would be the end of Dennis' career as well. He wouldn’t be able to be a good doctor with that guilt gnawing away at him all day.
"You've been quiet. Having second thoughts?" Santos teases him, gently elbowing him in the side. "Sorry, today was a lot" he just answers. In his head he is still going over finding Dr. Robby in pedes. He hopes no one else saw him, that their secret is safe. "There's a pizza place on the way home, want to order in? I'm starving" Santos' voice pulls him out of his thoughts again. He nods. That actually sounds good right now. And it might take his thoughts off Dr. Robby for a while.
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The pizzas have been long gone and Santos is taking a shower when a notification comes in on Dennis' phone. He doesn’t immediately check it until another one comes in right after. One is a text message saying 'I'm sorry' and the other one a voicemail, both from Dr. Robby's number. He unlocks his phone with trembling fingers and opens the voicemail, putting the phone to his ear.
"Hey, it's me. Again. I know you're gone. I know that, but 4 years doesn't change anything for how much it hurts" Dr. Robby's voice is laden with tears, hiccupping through them to get the words out. "I know I have failed you by pulling that plug. Have failed Jack for never telling him how I feel. Failed the kids by not showing up tomorrow, not showing up ever again. Will they feel guilt like I did? That they didn’t notice, didn’t do anything about it? I don't know how I could have been so blind to Langdon too, kid's high right under my nose and I didn't even fucking notice! I've left Jack a note, that he shouldn't feel guilty. And at least it wasn't on his shift" Dr. Robby falls quiet then. The voicemail isn't over yet, but his words had come slower and slower. Shit shit shit. Dennis ends the recording and tries to call him, but of course it keeps ringing out until it goes to voicemail.
He runs towards the bathroom, knocking on the door.
"Santos, do you have Dr. Abbot's number?" he asks, his voice sounding surprisingly calm. He almost wishes the panic he is feeling on the inside would match the outside, especially when she just jokes back.
"yeah I figured you swung that way, but seriously, I thought I had dibs on the daddy issues" she replies.
'Shit, stop fucking around okay!" he exclaims, and there the panic is. The water turns off and seconds later the door opens, Santos' hair dripping wet and a big towel wrapped around her body.
"What's wrong?" she asks, and fuck how will he ever begin to explain this one.
"Just say it" She urges him on.
"I believe Dr. Robby may have just tried to kill himself" He just says.
"Shit!" Santos replies and ducks back inside the bathroom for her own phone, having been blasting some punk band while under the shower. She doesn't even ask how he might know that, just quickly dials a number and Dennis has no idea to whom.
"Hey, it's Trinity Santos, one of the new interns. Could you get me Dr. Abbot's number? It's important, I wouldn’t ask if it could wait until morning" she says to whoever is on the other end. She motions for his phone, and puts the number she gets in. As soon as she hangs up her own phone she uses Dennis' to call Dr. Abbot. She puts it on speaker this time so he can listen along as well. She starts speaking as soon as he picks up, not even letting him state his name.
"Dr. Abbot. It's Trinity Santos, the new intern on the day shift. I'm sorry for calling so late but me and Whitaker believe Dr. Robby may have tried to hurt himself" she says. Dennis hopes he wouldn’t hang up on them and see it all as a stupid prank. "What?" he says, sounding slightly unbelieving but there is also an undercurrent of fear to his voice.
"I found him having a breakdown in pedes earlier today, and I got a voicemail where he says he hopes no one would feel guilty, and how he failed us by not showing up tomorrow or ever again" Dennis says, knowing they need to convince him that something is wrong. "I think my phone number used to belong to someone he knew that died" he adds.
"SHIT" Abbot curses. "Fuck, I'm sending you his address and calling an ambulance. Meet me there" he adds and then hangs up.
Santos shoves him out of the bathroom and dries off and finds some clothes to wear. He needs to apologize to his sisters, women can get ready quickly after all. Or maybe it's just the adrenaline running through them both. Dennis had gotten the address and already looked up where to go on google maps and then grabbed the first aid kit that Santos had shown him earlier.
"Hurry up Whitaker!" she shouts from the doorway and he runs out. He isn't even sure she properly locks the door behind them, but there isn't much he can lose anyway. They run through the streets of Pittsburgh, it's only about an 8 minute walk to Dr. Robby's place, so about 3,5 at the speed they are sprinting and ignoring traffic lights.
When they get there Dr. Abbot is just getting out of the car as well, and Dennis doesn’t even notice the prosthetic sticking out from under the shorts he's wearing until Dr. Abbot turns around, grabs the doorframe, balances on that leg and kicks the front door open with his flesh one. Ambulance sirens can be heard in the distance as well, they're not that far from the hospital so it would make sense they show up quickly.
Santos seems to be much more present in the here and now and dashes inside after Dr. Abbot, and it's what spurs him back into action. He follows behind her up the stairs, where the bathroom door is now kicked in as well and showing the blood pool that has become of the floor. Dr. Abbot is pressing towels into the wounds on one of his legs, his other hand checking Dr. Robby's pulse. Santos takes care of the other leg. They're nice light green towels that would never be the same colour anymore once they leave tonight. Dennis slides onto his knees beside them, pants quickly soaking up the blood, to open the first aid kit and pass them bandages they can use to stop the bleeding as much as possible.
Dr. Robby must have already been weakened from cutting the one leg open, as the other side is much more shallow and doesn’t go down to the femoral artery.
"Robby! Stay with me, don't you dare leave me like this. It's not my shift but it's still a very dick move okay?" Dr. Abbot says and his voice breaks somewhere in the middle of it. The ambulance sirens cut out, which must mean they're right outside.
"Just hold on a little longer until we get to the hospital, okay Misha?" Abbot is whispering now but they can both hear him loud and clear in the tiled bathroom.
"Ambulance service!" a voice comes from downstairs.
"Upstairs!" Santos yells back and soon enough there are boots running up the stairs.
Dennis sighs in relief, they might just have made it on time.