Chapter Text
The American Museum of Natural History was a great place for kids to learn history. It was also a great place to dance to earraping music and do the limbo with muskets, if that was your kind of thing. And the moving exhibits at night definitely added to the hype. In order to withstand the excitement, the museum board decided that the museum should be cleaned and inspected. And so it came to the conclusion that the museum would be closed during the first week of November for minor renovations.
When the week of inspection was over, the museum was again flooded with visitors, especially at nighttime(the Night Program was really helping with business). None of these guests suspected that the museum they were so casually strolling through had been overrun by hundreds of Sour Patch Kids just the other day.
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The disaster, later named the “Sour Patch Kids Incident”, started on Halloween night: every child’s favorite night. Of course Nicky, being fourteen, didn’t consider himself to be a child anymore, but that didn’t matter. He didn’t need to go trick-or-treating to have fun. After the Skittles Incident(a completely different story for another time), his father hadn’t been so keen on buying candy for Halloween. Apparently, it brought “too many opportunities for unexpected chaos”. So Nicky had taken it upon himself to purchase a whole box of Sour Patch Kids for the exhibits to indulge in. With his dad’s money, of course. …Hey, it was for the good of the museum! Surely Larry would understand that.
Being Halloween, as well as the last night before the museum closed for a week, Nick’s father was very busy with preparations for the start of the Night Program. This gave Nick plenty of time to carry out his plan. Nicky snuck the box under the information desk. He planned to hand out the Sour Patch Kids to the exhibits before Larry caught onto his scheme. By the time he did notice, it would be too late.
Nick waited patiently for the Night Program to end. As the last lingering visitors left the museum, Nick ran to the Hall of Miniatures.
“Hey, Jed! Oct!” He found the inseparable duo getting into their RC car.
“Howdy, Gigantor Junior!”
“Evening, Nicholas.”
Nick lowered his voice. “I brought some candy. Do you want some?”
The two nodded eagerly. “‘Course we do!” Jed answered. Nick held out his hand for the two to get on. He led them to the information desk.
“If I may ask, what kind of sweets have you brought?” Octavius asked.
“They’re called Sour Patch Kids,” Nick said. “They’re one of my favorites– and I bought a whole box for everyone to eat.” Jed and Oct looked ecstatic. Nick tore the box open.
BANG!
An avalanche of candy spilled out. Nick was thrown back by the impact.
“Well, sakes alive…!”
“By Jupiter, what is that?!” Octavius exclaimed.
Nick got up to his feet. A horrifying sight met his eyes. Swarms of Sour Patch Kids were running around the museum. The rainbow colored creatures dominated the museum floor, zooming around this way and that.
“That’s the candy I brought! Those are Sour Patch Kids!”
“Quit yankin’ my chain, candy don’t move!” Jed scoffed.
“I’m serious!” Nick insisted. “The Tablet must have brought them to life!”
Nick heard footsteps approaching from behind him.
“Good Lord, Nicholas!” Teddy exclaimed. “What on Earth has happened?”
“Uh, I kinda bought some candy for Halloween…” Nick stammered. “And they kinda came to life.”
“Well, there’s no time for lollygagging! What will you do?”
“Uh…” Nick thought for a moment, then started sprinting. “Everybody, catch them!”
He ran after the stampede of Sour Patch Kids. Teddy followed behind him. Nick lunged for the escaping gummies– but it turned out it wasn’t easy to try to catch Sour Patch Kids while running. He slipped and fell. Standing back up, a custodial cart caught his eye. Nick took a broom and dust pan from it. Frantically, he tried sweeping up some of the Sour Patch Kids, managing to catch a few of them.
“Good thinking, lad!” Teddy said. “Perhaps you should recruit backup.”
Nick groaned. “Man, dad’s gonna flip when he finds out.”
“Find out what?” Nick’s heart leapt up to his throat. Larry walked out of his office with a cup of coffee in one hand– which he nearly dropped when he saw the hordes of candy running away.
"What the fu– "
"Language, Lawrence!” Teddy interrupted. “A man must strive to be a proper mentor to his son!"
Larry stared at Nick. “What the– what happened?”
Nick laughed nervously. “So uh… you know how you stopped buying candy on Halloween?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, uh, I kinda bought some myself…”
“YOU WHAT .”
“How was I supposed to know they’d come to life?!”
“Nicholas– did you buy those with my money?!”
“I wanna say… no?”
Larry opened his mouth(probably to scream at Nicky) but then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay okay okay. How about this? We wait until the sun rises, and then we get all of this cleaned up. Okay?” Nick nodded.
“Brilliant!” Teddy exclaimed, slapping Larry on the back(making him stumble forward and choke). “Crisis shall be averted in no time!”
“Yeah,” Larry agreed. “So… we wait.”
They waited. Ignoring the mass hysteria going on.
Nicky watched his dad vacuuming up the now stationary Sour Patch Kids.
“Sorry, dad,” Nick apologized. He hung his head.
Larry turned off the vacuum for a moment and sighed. Then he ruffled Nick’s hair with a smile. “It’s fine,” he said. “Just tell me next time if you wanna do something.” Not like Larry would let Nick do anything. Nick nodded anyway. He was just glad the situation was over.
“Sorry,” he said again.
“You’re doing chores for a week,” Larry added.
“…Alright.”
And then it was all over. Various incidents and accidents happened all the time in the museum. The museum residents were used to the chaos, and Nick’s father almost always managed to come up with simple ways to fix the problem. Nick knew better, and now the Sour Patch Kids Incident was another closed case for the books. Literal books, as they kept a photo album of various museum mishaps.
…Right?
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The last school bell rang and kids rushed out of school, Nick included.
“Hey, Nick!” Asher called out. Nick slowed down and faced Asher. “We’re gonna play video games at Santiago’s house tonight! Wanna come?”
“Nah, it’s fine,” Nick said. “I’m hanging out with my dad tonight.”
Ryder came up to them. “Dude, you spend so much time with your dad,” he commented, laughing. “What do you even do?”
“I help him at his job,” Nick explained. “He’s the night guard at the Museum of Natural History.”
Ryder huffed. “The museum? That’s soooo boring!” Nick snorted. If only.
“Well, you can join us whenever you want,” Asher said. He waved and left, dragging Ryder along with him.
Nick waved back and continued on his way to his mom’s house, where he had stayed yesterday– AKA the day after the Sour Patch Kids incident. His dad would come pick him up after dinner. Admittedly, although he was excited to be able to see his museum friends again, he was feeling put out about the Sour Patch Kids. I mean, it was over now but it had been a pandemonium at first, even for a museum with a revivifying tablet. And he hadn’t even been able to eat the candy.
Nick stopped abruptly.
“Dad, what are you doing here?”
“I came early,” Larry said. He gestured towards his car. “Get in.” Nick got in, and so did his dad. Larry started up the engine, but didn’t drive. After a while he finally opened his mouth.
“Nicky,” Larry began, “how many Sour Patch Kids did you order?”
“Uhhhh…” Nick wasn’t sure how he should answer. “Like, they were selling them in boxes of twelve… And I bought three boxes.”
Larry shut his eyes and bit his lip.
“...Actually, more like four… It was a buy three, get one free thing.”
Larry opened his eyes. “I think I vacuumed up around a hundred of them,” he said. “I thought that was it.”
“...But it wasn’t?” Nick asked tentatively.
“No,” Larry confirmed. “It was not. They reappeared yesterday.”
A tense silence plagued the car.
Nick looked down at his feet. “I’m really sorry,” he said.
Larry took a breath and exhaled sharply. “You know what? It’s fine. We can fix this. Sorry for stressing you out. It’s just that yesterday was… tough. ” He started driving. “Let’s go.”
Nick thought shoelaces looked particularly interesting throughout the car ride.
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When Nick entered the museum, his dad warned him.
“It’s gonna be chaotic,” he said. Which on the surface, didn’t sound like anything new. The moment you stepped foot into the museum at night, you’d know that chaos loved to reside in the museum like the cockroach in the dark corner of your kitchen cupboard. It was normal, and Nick was used to it.
But so was his father. In fact, even more than Nick was. So the fact that he had felt the need to comment about it…? That was nightmare fuel.
“They’re worse than Dexter,” Larry added.
Nick’s eyes widened. “For real?” he asked.
“You’ll see.”
The sun slowly set.
And man, Nick swore his dad had never been so right.
The museum seemed to explode with color, waves of Sour Patch Kids swarming in from hidden crevices.
“What… ?!”
Larry nodded gravely. “See what I mean?”
The Sour Patch Kids climbed up Nick’s legs, biting at his ankles.
“OW!” Nick yelled, pulling up his hurt leg, leaving him to hop around on one foot. “These guys have teeth?! ” Larry shrugged.
The Sour Patch Kids started to climb on top of each other, seemingly creating one larger, unified Sour Patch Kid. Nicky stood wide-eyed and horrified.
“Quick, get in my office!” Larry yelled.
Nick didn’t have to be told twice. He bolted for the office. When he reached it he found Ahkmenrah reclining on the couch, reading a magazine with the words “5 ways to MOW YOUR LAWN in NO TIME!” printed in thick letters on the cover.
“What’re you doing here?” Nick asked(rather breathlessly).
“Waiting out the storm,” Ahkmenrah answered.
“How are you reading that magazine? I thought you couldn’t read English.”
“I can’t, I’m just looking at the photos.” He held up the magazine to prove his point– Personally, Nick couldn’t see what was so interesting about a photo of a sprinkler but he supposed it’d been unfair to tell that to an Egyptian pharaoh from four-thousand-something years ago.
Larry ran into the room and slammed the door shut. He whipped out his keys and locked it.
“Okay,” he breathed. “That’ll keep them out for a while.”
“What about the other exhibits?” Nick asked.
“They’ll survive,” Larry reassured him.
The door shook as Sour Patch Kids banged against it.
“Wow,” Nick said.
“They were worse yesterday,” Ahkmenrah told Nick. “Some of them tried to take my jewelry. I caught them in a canopic jar.”
“Nice.”
Nick felt something pinch his ear.
“ Ow! ” He instinctively swatted the offending creature away. A Sour Patch Kid. Who stuck out its tongue at Nick and ran away.
“HEY!” Nick got up to chase after it. SPLAT! He tripped and fell flat on his face. Sitting up, Nick realized his shoelaces were untied.
“Dad, you’re right, they are worse than Dexter,” Nick sighed.
Larry gave him a look that said, “I told you so” .
“It is their way,” Ahk remarked. “Though I did not realize they had tongues.”
“You two stay here, I should check in on the others,” Larry said.
“Can I come?” Nick asked.
“No, it’s dangerous. You have Ahk to keep you company, stay in here.” Larry cracked open the door and slid out the room.
Nick stayed with Ahkmenrah in the office for the entire night, reading National Geographic Kids magazines and playing Rummikub. Although they caught some stray Sour Patch Kids that had wandered in, they didn’t do much considering the grand scheme of things. Nick wondered how Larry and the others were dealing with the Sour Patch Kids.
The next day– November 3rd– was somehow worse. The usual antics were there, but they’d managed to flock to the Hall of Miniatures. Possibly to pick on someone their own size. Nick followed along with Larry this time, trying to help him remove the Sour Patch Kids by picking them up– If they used a vacuum the miniatures would be sucked up as well.
“Nick, don’t touch the Sour Patch Kids with your hands,” Larry said.
“That’s what you’re doing,” Nick retorted.
“I’m doing it because I’m an adult. You’re just fourteen.” Nick huffed. What, was he not capable of doing anything?
“ Ah–! Octavius, can you stop launching fireballs?” Larry asked.
“As a Roman general, I cannot stand by and watch the ruin of Rome.”
“Yeah, but– Whatever.”
“Don’t see why yer callin’ us out,” Jed stated, knocking out a Sour Patch Kid with a sword(presumably borrowed from Octavius). “The Mayans are tryna sacrifice one t’ god.”
“They WHAT .”
Nick sniggered at his dad’s aghast face. Sure enough, the Mayans had placed a red Sour Patch Kid on the platform at the top of their in-progress pyramid.
“Hey, what are you doing?!” Larry exclaimed.
Abund, the leader of the Mayans, looked up at Larry and said something in his language that possibly meant something along the lines of “Well, what were we supposed to do?”
“Dad, we were going to eat them anyway,” Nick said.
“I know, it just feels… wrong.” Larry sighed. “You know what? You’re right. Alright, keep going.” Abund nodded and the Mayans proceeded to rip open the Sour Patch Kid, who let out a high pitched scream. Larry winced.
The day after that, the SPKs had seemingly disappeared. Which was clearly stressing out Nick’s father. Sacagwea had gladly lent a hand on that matter.
“See the trail of sugar here?” she said. Larry adjusted the backpack vacuum cleaner strapped on his back, then crouched down and squinted. Nick leaned in as well.
“Mhm,” Nick said.
“The trail has been moved around from people passing by, but it should still lead us to their hiding place.”
“You’re a genius, Sac,” Larry said.
Sacagawea smiled sweetly. “I know,” she said simply.
Larry blinked. “...Okay.”
They followed the faint trail to the Hall of American History. The Civil War soldiers and Lewis and Clark were gone, leaving not a soul in sight– keywords here being “in sight”.
“The tracks end here,” Sacagawea noted.
“So they’re in here?” Nick asked.
“Yes, I think so.”
Larry locked the doors. Probably to keep the Sour Patch Kids from escaping. Although this also meant that Larry, Sac, and Nick were also trapped in case of attack. It was nine hundred something against three, it wouldn’t be a fair fight.
“Okay. We just have to find them.” The three started to search the area.
“Hey, dad,” Nick said after a while. He pointed to a faint halo of sugar dusted around the openings of the Civil War cannons. “Do you think they’ve gone through here?”
Sacagawea and Larry came to see Nick’s discovery.
“It is likely,” Sacagawea mused, “that they hid into the cannons when we arrived.”
“Right, I’ll take a look.” Larry took a deep breath(which Nick thought was a little dramatic) and peered into the cannon.
POOF!
Hm, maybe Larry had a right to be dramatic.
“AGH!” Larry screamed, and he jerked back, covering his eyes. “ Ow! ” Larry stumbled around, screaming in pain. Nick and Sacagawea ran away from the cannons faster than Dexter with Larry’s keys. The Sour Patch Kids, evidently having realized that their hiding place had been uncovered, streamed out of the cannons in perfect lines. They spread out across the floor with the coordination of Octavius’ men, but the fluidity of Jedediah’s cowboys. It was utterly terrifying.
“Back up! Back up!” Larry yelled, although Nick wasn’t sure to whom he was yelling to. The only person who hadn’t run away yet was Larry himself. “I’m powering up the vacuum!”
Larry whipped out the vacuum cleaner and punched the start button. Nick felt like he was in a video game as Larry pointed the tip of the vacuum at the SPKs. Colonel Nick, ready to take down the Sour Kid population with the help of his father and Major Sacagawea! …God, that was so childish.
The vacuum sucked up the screaming Sour Patch Kids. The SPKs desperately ran for cover.
Once no more pieces of sour candy could be seen, Nick’s father switched off the vacuum.
“There are probably more,” Sacagawea mentioned.
“I think that’s good for now,” Larry said. “Let’s get out of here.”
They left the room.
November 5th. A group of the scheming sour suckers were found in the Hayden Planetarium. They were holding hands to create a giant circle, spinning round and round, singing in some sort of gibberish language.
Larry stared in disbelief.
“Okay, what.”
“I think they’ve created a religion,” Nick pointed out.
Larry muttered a string of words Teddy would not have approved of.
“I feel like I’m losing brain cells,” he sighed.
"I learned in science class that people lose a hundred thousand neurons everyday," Nick commented.
"Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
The SPKs skipped and hopped in sync, doing a sort of ritual dance. An SPK slightly bigger than the others stepped into the middle of the circle. It raised its arms up into the air, and began chanting. It sounded as if the Sibylline Books had fallen into the hands of a willow ptarmigan on helium.
“Time to end this show,” Larry muttered.
“I’ll lock the doors,” Nick chimed in.
Larry and Nick ran around, shutting all the doors. The Sour Patch Kids noticed and ran for the exits. They were too late. Nick slammed the main entrance shut, and locked it.
Larry brought out the vacuum cleaner.
If anyone was listening from the outside, they’d think some sort of mass murder was going on. Close enough.
They tried searching for more Sour Patch Kids during the day. The repair work wasn’t helping them. Tons of crevices had been created by repairs. On top of that, because they couldn’t search while the repairs were going on, they weren’t able to stay for too long.
Nick was on his knees, looking under a table when Dr. McPhee’s voice rang out.
“Mr. Daley.”
Nick watched his exhausted father approach the museum director.
“Yes?” Larry said.
Dr. McPhee held up a Sour Patch Kid– at the moment, not alive.
“Care to explain why this… thing was found in the battery holder of a drill?”
“Maybe it wanted to help with the repairs,” Larry suggested. Nicky tried to hold back a laugh, but failed.
Dr. McPhee heard him. “You,” he said, pointing at Nick. “Did you do this?”
Nick straightened his face and quickly shook his head. “No, sir,” he said.
“Well, just…” Dr. McPhee pushed the piece of candy in Larry’s hand. “Get them out of my sight.”
“Yeah, I got it.” Dr. McPhee left, although the frown on his face indicated that he wasn’t completely satisfied. Then again he was always frowning so maybe that didn’t mean anything.
On November 6th, everyone started to lose hope and patience. So they had resorted to locking themselves in the basement, the only place the Sour Patch Kids had yet to conquer. The basement was dusty, and smelled of paint and clorox. It was a bit crowded with all the exhibits.
Scratch that, extremely crowded.
Nick sat with Ahkmenrah on plastic stools. An end table with a plate of chocolate chip cookies(that, unlike Sour Patch Kids, weren’t affected by the Tablet’s magic) was placed in front of them. Ahkmenrah seemed to like them– half of the cookies had disappeared.
Nick watched his father, who was sitting on an old gray armchair at the other side of the room. Larry looked even more drained than usual. He was essentially inhaling a thermos bottle of black coffee– Nick was seriously starting to worry about his dad’s caffeine intake.
Nick noticed someone else looked just about as burnt out as his dad today.
“Hey, Octavius, what’s wrong?” Nick asked.
Octavius was sprawled out on the end table, eyes blank and clearly regretting his life.
“I have made a grave mistake,” he said.
“What have you done?” Ahkmenrah inquired.
Octavius sighed before sitting up. He glanced at Jedediah, who was talking with Sacagawea, and started to speak in a low voice. “…You are both aware of my affection for Jedediah, yes?”
Nick and Ahk nodded. Everyone knew Octavius was infatuated with the blond-haired blue-eyed cowboy. And that said cowboy probably-most-definitely liked him back. And that they were both blissfully oblivious and had been dancing around each other since the Smithsonian, giving everyone a massive headache in the process. Like, seriously, if Nick liked someone that much, he was confessing straight away, no matter if they were his best friend. Cowards.
“I…” Octavius gave a slight cough. “I attempted to court him yesterday.”
“Awe–“ Awesome! Nick was about to say, before noting Octavius’ state and determining that it most likely hadn’t gone well. “Oh. Uh…”
“What happened?” Ahk cut in, saving Nick from an awkward situation.
Octavius sighed again and sat up. “It was ruined by an unexpected guest ,” he explained.
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“Why’d ya bring me here, Octy?”
Octavius and Jed stood underneath a cherry blossom bonsai in the new Japanese Edo period exhibit. It was one of the exhibits that had been added with the recent renovations, although it was only temporary. The cherry blossoms shone brightly under the museum lights, and the delicate pinks of the petals reflected onto the bland walls around them, giving the artificial scene a warm glow.
“Well, in truth, I brought you here because… I have something to tell you.”
“Something t’ tell ol’ me?” Jed asked. An amused smile played on his lips. “Must be pretty darn important if ya brought me here t’ say so.”
“Yes, you could say that.” Octavius laughed nervously, then cleared his throat. “Jedediah, I know we have been rivals for a long time–”
“Aw, that wasn’t anythin’ personal,” Jed cut in. “Y’ know we were jus’ being protective of our lands and got lost along the way.”
“Yes, I know.” Octavius clasped his hands together, in hopes that Jed wouldn’t notice how much perspiration covered his palms. Which was totally not a lot. “And then Larry gave us the gift of camaraderie and we have been friends ever since. But… I was hoping that you might…”
Octavius swallowed. Not even hours of harsh Roman military training was helping him keep his cool.
“Might…”
Jed’s eyes widened. Oh gods, did he know?
Jedediah pointed behind Octavius. “DUCK!”
“What?”
Octavius turned around and stumbled back just in time to miss a Sour Patch Kid, colored a sickly, saturated yellow, diving in from the sky. The Sour Patch Kid landed next to them. The expression on its face seemed too sinister for its crude, spongy features. It looked ready to beat them to the death with the strength of a skilled gladiator, despite being half their height. The SPK stared menacingly at the two miniatures.
Jed pulled out his non-working guns. Octavius drew his sword.
The Sour Patch Kid lunged.
Jed fired his gun. No bullets came out but the noise distracted the SPK. It charged towards Jedediah, who ran up the bonsai tree. Octavius thrust his sword at the Sour Patch Kid. He missed– the SPK followed Jed up the bonsai. Octavius climbed up the twisting trunk of the tree as well.
Octavius would have never known that Jedediah was apparently an expert at climbing trees if it weren’t for that night. Jed swung from branch to branch, catapulting himself higher and higher up the bonsai. Every move he made was as clean and smooth as polished marble. The Sour Patch Kid was having a significantly hard time catching up. As was Octavius. He climbed up as fast as he could, bringing his sword down on the Sour Patch Kid whenever he had the chance. The little barbarian was fast, though. It avoided Octavius’ blade and made its way towards Jedediah.
Jed was at the top of the tree now, having nowhere to go. The Sour Patch Kid reached Jedediah. Jed held up his fists.
“Jus’ you an’ me, hoss,” Jed declared.
The sour monster leapt towards Jedediah. But it never reached him.
SQUELCH!
Octavius’ sword pierced through the SPK’s heart. Or at least where its heart would be if it had one.
Octavius and Jed stood still for a while. The Sour Patch Kid was still skewered on Octavius’ sword, which was now covered in a slimy goo. Possibly Sour Patch Kid blood.
Jed cracked a smile. Carefree as always, as if nothing had ever happened. “You didn’t hafta save me, kemosabe. First the hourglass, an’ now a piece o’ candy? Let me share some o’ the glory, too.”
He elbowed Octavius playfully. Octavius felt himself grinning right alongside Jedediah.
“I cannot help but worry,” he said.
“I can handle myself jus’ fine,” Jed reassured him.
“I have no doubt.”
Octavius removed the motionless Sour Patch Kid from his sword, and the two headed back down the tree. The cherry blossom looked gorgeous up close, now that they weren’t being chased by a maniacal dessert. The delicate petals swayed with every soft wind thrown their way.
“Pretty, ain’t they?” Jed commented.
“Yes, they are,” Octavius said. They cannot match the wonders of your beauty, were the words he held back.
They honestly couldn’t. Jedediah was just as graceful climbing down the tree as he was climbing up. “Graceful” was the last word anyone would ever use to describe a so-called rough-and-tough cowboy such as Jed, but the way he carried himself so surely in that confident, charismatic manner of his(what past Octavius might have called arrogant and cocky, as if he himself had not been) never lost its charm. His blond hair bounced around with every movement and gods, those forget-me-not blue eyes when he looked up to see if Octavius was following along were mesmerizing.
The two reached the ground. Jed turned to Octavius. “Hey, what was that you were gonna say?”
“What do you mean?”
“Y’ know, ‘fore the whole tiny-yellow-confectionary-drops-outta-the-sky thing. Ya said you were hoping I might…?”
“Oh.” Octavius felt heat rising to his cheeks. “It… it was nothing.”
“Aw, c’mon partner, we’re best friends! You can tell me anything!” Best friend. Exactly the problem.
“Of course. I… I was going to ask if you might… let me drive the car,” Octavius spat out. What was he saying, he didn’t even know how to drive! He was a Roman general for Jupiter’s sake, and merely confessing to his crush was throwing him off?! Oh, Venus…
Jed grinned. “‘Course ya can, partner!” he said, nudging Octavius with his elbow. “Y’ don’t hafta ask ‘bout that! ¡Vamos!” Jed broke into a run as he headed towards their RC car.
“Well, uh… yes. Thank you.” Octavius sighed as he followed Jedediah. Perhaps driving a car would be easier than announcing his love.
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“Oh.” Nick wasn’t sure what to say.
“My love life is ruined,” Octavius lamented, collapsing back onto the information desk. “All my efforts have gone to waste. Not even Catullus could put my devastation in words.”
“Brighten up, general!” Teddy, who had started listening in on the conversation, said. “Wallowing will not bring progress. You must get back on your horse and try once more! Why, when I first saw Sacagawea, I couldn’t say anything at all! But I finally got the chance to tell her of my love. And now I have a beautiful woman by my side.”
“I am a coward,” Octavius stated.
“C’mon man, it can’t be that bad,” Nick reassured.
“It sounds bad,” Ahkmenrah muttered, which made Octavius groan and cover his face with his hands.
“Just try again,” Nick suggested. “Jed would listen to anything you have to say.”
Octavius slowly sat up. “I suppose I should. I shall attempt to tell him once more.”
“Tell me what?” Jed appeared into view.
“Nothing, Jedediah!” Octavius said hastily. …Yeah, there was no way these two were ever going to confess to each other.
Meanwhile, Larry had gotten up and was standing in the middle of the basement.
“Alright!” Larry clapped his hands and cleared his throat. The chatter in the room died down. “So, I’m sure everyone has noticed our new friends in the museum. And unfortunately they haven’t been very friendly. We’ve been trying to get rid of them, but so far, nothing is working. So we need a plan to wipe them out for good.”
Attila raised his hand.
“Yes, Attila.”
“We could rip them apart.”
Larry blinked. “Like… individually?”
Attila nodded, grinning brightly.
“...Okay, we need a plan to get rid of them quickly and if possible, ethically. Anyone got any ideas?”
“We could get a larger vacuum cleaner,” Nick suggested.
“Yeah, but it’d still take forever to find the Sour Patch Kids,” Larry pointed out.
“I could control them with the Tablet,” Ahkmenrah said.
“That’s actually a good idea,” Larry remarked. “Do you know how?”
“No,” Ahk admitted.
Larry bit his lip. “We need to work together to find the SPKs. Like we did then the old night guard tried to steal the Tablet. Remember that?” The exhibits nodded thoughtfully(not really) as they recalled their past adventure. “And the Battle of the Smithsonian. Does anyone have any suggestions that involve us working as a team?”
“We could set fire to the museum!” Attila said enthusiastically. “Like a village I raped!”
“That’s not working together,” Larry said. “C’mon, guys! All we need are some ideas.”
“I agree with Attila,” Octavius chimed in. “Violence seems to be the best course of action in our situation.”
“I already said that’s not teamwork,” Larry sighed.
“Not if we set the museum on fire together,” Jed pointed out. Jed and Octavius fist-bumped. Larry facepalmed. Or at least that was what Nick would have done. His boring dad on the other hand, just stood there looking annoyed.
The Neanderthals started grunting, agreeing with the fire method.
“No fire!” Larry shouted. “Fire bad!” The chanting stopped. Larry took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.
Sacagawea raised her hand. Larry pointed to her as if he was a teacher calling on a student.
“I have noticed that the SPKs have formed a kind of civilization,” Sac noted. “They have banded together, just as we are unsuccessfully trying to do now.”
“It’s not completely unsuccessful,” Larry protested. Sacagawea just looked at Larry.
“Okay, so at least we’re trying.”
“I suspect that the SPKs have created a village somewhere in the museum,” Sacagawea continued. “I believe locating it would help in our search.”
“Great idea, Sac!” Larry exclaimed. Sacagawea smiled politely. “Okay, a couple of us will go outside and try to find where the SPKs’ headquarters are. Once we do that we can figure out a way from there. Teddy, Sac, Ahkmenrah, you’re coming with me.”
“Can I come, too?” Nick asked.
“We don’t know what’s out there,” Larry countered.
“I think we should let him come,” Ahk cut in. “He will be helpful.”
Exactly. Ahk had his back.
“How?” Larry asked.
“He can carry the vacuum.”
Excuse me.
“Fine, then,” Larry said. “You can come too.”
In Nick’s opinion, he had more value than a vacuum carrier(if that was even a thing), but who cared??? He was going to find those tiny treacherous tarty terrors with Ahkmenrah! And Teddy and Sac! …Oh yes, and his dad.
“The rest of you just stay here and… just… don’t break anything important,” Larry said. He retrieved a backpack vacuum from the corner of the basement and handed out some other cleaning supplies to Ahkmenrah, Teddy, Sacagawea, and Nick. Nick got a bucket.
“Seriously dad?”
“It’s the most useful,” Larry insisted.
Nick rolled his eyes.
“Everyone ready?” Larry asked. The group nodded.
“Okay then.” Larry put his right foot on a stool and pointed dramatically into the distance. “Sour Patch Kids Extermination Squad, GO!”
“...”
“What?” Nick queried.
“I just… I thought that was… cool.” Confusion poisoned the air. “...No? No? Uh, then I guess… you know what, just ignore me.”
The newly named “Sour Patch Kids Extermination Squad” left the basement.