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It was the first time in months that he heard from someone from the 118. He had to struggle for hours before calling Hen, to ask about Evan. He didn’t want to bother Chim, he must have been still recovering from all that happened to him, and he was not sure how much Eddie knew about Evan at that point. So, hearing Hen’s voice again was kind of odd, as they didn’t talk that much.
Since Tommy entered the silence of his house that horrendous night, when he broke up with Evan, heartbroken with his own words, still unbelieving how everything could be ruined in such a short time. Tommy took a shower, cried a little, and went to sleep, surrounded by the same silence. Not that he couldn’t catch any sleep at all. That same silence walked by his side since then, not hearing from Evan, or anyone from the 118 again.
He felt a flicker of hope that time on Evan’s bed, when they met up at the bar, the first time Tommy was able to go out and try to escape from the silence. That night they spend together was a full concert of colorful notes, loud music to his ears, sweet instruments being played as he kissed Evan, as they hugged each other, as they finally fell asleep of tiredness, and not because either of them wanted to. That night he slept cuddling Evan in his arms, with beautiful music in his ears, waking up to the melody of chirping birds.
Tommy hummed as he took the groceries out of the bags, putting them on the plates, he hummed as he poured two glasses of orange juice, waiting for Evan to wake up, he hummed as he scrambled the eggs, the fluffy way he remembered Evan liked.
Then the silence again. The last sound he heard was his own voice before heading to the front door, leaving the musicians and the birds behind.
Until Evan called him, out of nowhere. When he saw his name on the screen, he had the crazy hope that would be a “miss you” call. But it wasn’t. Evan needed him, they all needed him, and that was the beginning of one of the saddest moments of his life.
Bobby's death hit them all really hard, shook their ground. Tommy felt he was living a nightmare, a vivid nightmare from where he would soon wake up, but he couldn’t.
Hen told him over the phone that she hadn’t heard from Evan in two days. To be honest, no one knew anything, for Evan was not picking up the phone. They were all grieving, all centered in their own families, taking care of their own hearts.
“Who’s taking care of him?” He thought, assuring Hen he would try to reach out to Evan. Tommy tried to call him a couple of times, but he had no answer. He also texted him, in vain.
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Tommy knocks on Evan’s door, feeling nervous and worried at the same time. He rings the doorbell. The absence of signs of life suddenly forces him to try the last option he has, one he swore he would never use. He searches in his pocket and takes the spare key Maddie gave him, right before he went to his house. She told him to please be sure Evan was fine, as she placed that key softly in Tommy’s palm.
“Evan!” He yells, stepping close to the door, and sighs. He looks around, feeling like an intruder, beyond that key in his hand, and unlocks the door, slowly. “Evan?”
He opens to a dark living room, half close-down curtains, and a vague foul air comes to his nose. The house is in complete silence, as he enters and takes a look around. It’s surprisingly tidy, as in his head he thought he would find dishes and chores waiting to be done. But Evan’s not a messy person, two days is not enough for the house to start falling into pieces.
Focus, Tommy, he commands himself, heading to the kitchen. Only a half glass of water in the sink and his sports bag on the floor next to the isle.
“Evan?” He murmurs. His feet automatically direct to the room, through that hallway he knows so well. Tommy observes the bedroom door at the end, and flashes of them kissing their way there come to his mind. He knows the exact spot where Evan pinned him to the wall, ripping his shirt off, taking his own shoes on the process. He remembers being seductively dragged, tugged by the tank top, falling into the mattress.
He remembers waking up in the morning, warm sun over them on the bed, and just stand there, staring at Evan sleeping, beautiful and peaceful. He knew in that moment that was something more than just a hook up. He knew he could look at that sleepy Evan for the rest of his life.
The warm sun he remembers over Evan’s body is now replaced by a heavy gloom coming from the plastic curtain. The room smells like... humidity. Like those calls they get every now and then, when people’s apartments have their windows blocked and they don’t seem very friendly to the cleaning items. He can’t explain it well, but that body on the bed screamed to be taken to a shower.
Evan is lying face down, buried in the pillow, his civil clothes and shoes still on, like if he just came home to faint over the bed and never woke up again. He stays there for a second, until he sees his back moving up slowly, by the rhythm of heavy breathing.
“Ok, he’s alive.” He thinks relieved. Not that anything else haven’t come to his mind at that moment.
“Evan.” He murmurs again, rounding the bed. He kneels besides his face, swollen and red for the long sleeping hours in the same position, and he shakes him softly by the shoulder. “Hey, wake up, sunshine.” No respond, only a bit of drool from his half open mouth staining the pillow. “Well, fairy tales Princesses drool, too.” He shakes him a bit harder. Nothing, and Tommy begins to think he could have taken something to help him sleep. If you’re not used to take them, they can really kill your lights for a good while.
“Evan!” He exclaims, firm voice, and shakes him strong this time.
This makes Evan wake up in a scare jump, eyes out of their sockets as he realizes someone’s there in his room, and crawls over the mattress to the other side, back against the wall.
“WHAT THE FUCK!”
“Evan, calm down, it’s me!” Tommy exclaims, raising his hands. Behind confused eyes, he adds. “It’s me, Tommy.”
“Tom--” He gasps, frowning, rubbing his eyes. “Tommy? Oh, my heart... Wha-- what are you doing here? How much did I sleep? What time--”
“I came to check on you. And you slept a lot.” Tommy smiles, soothing. “You better ask what day is it...”
“H-how did you...?”
“Get in? Your sister gave me her spare key. You didn’t pick up the phone and... well, she couldn’t come, so...”
“Oh, my head is spinning...” Evan murmurs... closing his eyes.
“Ok, Evan, you woke up to fast. Tell me, did you take something to sleep?”
“Well, yeah, someone gave me those...” He points vaguely to the night table. “Told me they’d help me catch a sleep after...”
“And how many did you take?”
Evan opens his heavy eyes, staring bothered.
“One.” He states. “Maybe two, I don’t remember.” Tommy remains in silence. “You can check out the bottle if you want.” He protests.
“I believe you.”
“Why don’t you just leave me alone, then?” Evan says, struggling to get rid of the blanket tangled between his legs. He wobbles a bit when he tries to get up, so he seats back quickly. “Alright...” He whispers to himself.
Tommy takes his time to stand up, rounding back the bed and extends his hand for Evan to hold. Evan looks at that hand for several seconds and then up to meet his eyes. He doesn’t look pleased; he looks tired and messy, but Tommy’s not there to admire him, he’s there to help him.
“C’mon, Evan. You need a shower and something in your stomach.”
Only when Tommy hears the water sound coming from the bathroom, and after insisting if he needed any help, he gets back to the room and opens the big window, letting fresh air come in. Takes the sheets and the blankets from the bed to the washing machine on the garage. Not easy for him to resolve which buttons command the correct washing set, but whatever will have to work.
Tommy even stands the mattress and faces it to the window, receiving all the sun it can get. He wishes he could do the same with Evan.
“How was it?” He asks, when he sees him dragging his feet out the hallway. Wet curls, fresh scent, the same tired temple, Tommy observes, as he makes coffee. Not a big feast this time, but some toast and eggs will help him recovering the numbness. “Who would imagine a shower could transform someone that much? You even look alive!”
Evan doesn’t answer. He takes silent steps to the isle and seats down. Tommy hands him a cup of coffee.
“I see you found the clean clothes I left on the chair...” Evan doesn’t even look at him. “It was... easier to find the supplies, this time, you know? For the coffee?” He jokes. “Without all the boxes spread all over the place.”
“Doing this won’t bring Bobby back.” Evan mutters, cutting, and Tommy remembers what his real purpose was that day.
“I know.”
“Coffee’s good.” He whispers, avoiding his eyes.
“I know.”
“Is there anything you don’t know?”
“A lot of things. Like, what is going on with you, for example.”
“Nothing’s going on with me, I’m fucking grieving, can’t you tell?”
“You’re allowed to be angry at the universe, Evan. No one can tell you how to react to situations like these.” Tommy takes a seat right across him. “But don’t... punish yourself. Nothing that happened was your fault, so...”
“You weren’t there, you don’t know how things were.”
“I was there.” Tommy corrects him. “Remember I took you for a ride in a chopper? Remember we landed on The Coliseum, escaping the bad guys? Well, giving a second thought, I think we were the bad guys, that night.” He smiles, before a blank faced Evan. Ok, no more jokes. “They were all worried about you, Evan.” He sighs. “Me, too.”
“Were you? Because after we got to the lab, I didn’t see you again, you... disappeared. A-and I get it, you told me you were doing it for Chimney, so... you gave Athena the antidote, your job was done.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Evan.” Tommy states, serious.
“Of course I don’t because, lately, you love to show up in my life only to vanish in the air. Your chopper is not outside waiting for you now, is it?”
“You called me for help.”
Evan nods, smirking.
“I didn’t, today.”
“Still, here I am. And you can attack and curse me all you want, but I’m not moving. Not until I know you’re truly fine. That’s what love is, right? Be there, not only in the good times, but in the bad ones, too?” Tommy is not thinking when he says that, so a sudden heat of anxiety runs all over him, waiting for Evan’s reaction.
“I guess it is...” Evan mutters after long seconds. “I-I just have... so much to do, I need to... go check on Maddie-- Chimney! I need to--”
“Calm down, they’re ok. Chim is recovering surprisingly fast, after that antidote he took... Maddie’s taking care of him and the kids...”
“No, you don’t understand.” Evan suddenly looks nervous. He gestures to get up from the stool, but Tommy rests the arm on his shoulder. “Bobby--”
“Stay quiet, Evan. Drink your coffee. I already spoke to them, they are ok. Just worried about you.” He makes a pause, after Evan calms down in his seat. “So, what should I tell them?”
“Bobby told me I had to be strong for them, that they would gonna need me... I guess Bobby lied to me, after all. After leaving me.”
“He didn-- Why would you say that?”
“Chim has Maddie; I-I guess Hen’s home with her family, Eddie... sure has his son to come back the first chance he has... Seems like everybody got it solved already. They don’t need me.”
“I need you.” Tommy states. “And I need to know you’re ok, I need to know you’re not... sleeping your grief through, that you’re not gonna start depending on pills to rest, or...”
“I’m not, I barely took them and they knocked me out for two days.”
“Good.” Tommy nods. “It’s all still too fresh, Evan. Everybody’s coping the best way they can. “You know... Bobby didn’t just leave you, right?”
“I-I’m not sure if I want to talk about this, right now.” Evan says, hiding himself behind the coffee cup. “He’s gone. That's it. And it was his decision. Was not a freaking accident, or a tragic call. He decided to lie about the damn broken tube, about how he was already sick when we came with the antidote. He decided who lived and who died, he--”
“He had no choice, Evan. We had no second antidote; it was his life or Chim’s. And to be really honest...” Tommy sighs deeply. “I would have done the same thing, in his shoes.” Evan stares at him, bewildered. “I would. As a Captain, your priority is to take care of your team, even if that means to sacrifice yourself. Sometimes those sacrifices come in sizes we can’t really begin to understand. And as a human being, well... Chim is just starting his family, he has a whole future in front of him, he has kids to raise into this world... It would be a pretty simple option for me.”
“Bobby was not less important than Chim.” Tommy can tell Evan’s in pain. “And neither is you. We are all important here.”
“Still. When you face this type of choices in life, really hard choices, all you have left to do is balance and measure who is more worthy. No matter how antipathic that sounds. And that’s what Bobby did, we like it or not, hoping one day we would understand his reasons.”
“Well, I don’t understand them, and I don’t wanna do it.” Evan states, bothersome. “And I can’t hope one day I’ll wake up and think Oh, it’s cool Bobby chose to fucking die and leave us all here, like we didn’t matter. I’m sorry, Tommy, but I can’t. I won’t.”
“The fact that he cared about all of you the most was the reason why he did it. But I won’t force you to understand that now. You’re not ready. You need to process his lost first.”
Evan laughs a little, red eyed, the saddest laughter Tommy ever saw.
“It’s funny how you come here now, enter my house without my permission, wake me up to a fucking coffee and eggs, and pretend I will magically smile like if nothing happened two days ago, as if I didn’t just lose the only man I truly considered my father, that I will just wipe my tears, suit my clothes and brush it all up with a hot shower... As if that would erase the fact that he abandoned me, like everyone keeps doing, like if I keep being totally worthless.”
“Hey, don’t say that.” Tommy grabs his hand, but Evan retires it.
“What do you know? You act just like him. You come and go as you please, waiting for me to always be willing and ready to see you with a smile, ready to fuck you, to-- Ok, I'm sorry.”
“It’s ok.”
“N-no, I’m really sorry, I-I shouldn’t...”
“It’s ok.” Tommy insists. “I know you don’t mean it. And if it helps... I lost Bobby, too. He was my Captain, the best I had, the one who really cared about me, and the team. Bobby came to the 118 and gave it a fresh start, he turned our routines upside down, he taught us about becoming a real family, to share meals, to care about each other for real. To be better as a group, and that helped us improve our quality in calls, helped us to deal better with the daily ups and downs, he...”
Tommy looks downs, thoughtful.
“He what?”
“He was the first person I ever talked about... myself. You know.”
“You came out to Bobby first?” The smile on Evan lips is spontaneous, but he quickly clears his throat, becoming serious again. “H-how was that?”
“Well, I never was a man of many friends, you know? And the ones I had were from work, or it just was not their business. So... after Gerrard went away and Bobby took his place, I felt like it was my chance of asking for a transfer. For a fresh start myself, too.” Tommy smiles softly, memories flying before his eyes. “And when I told Bobby about my request, he just asked the reasons, and I just... I didn’t even think about it. I just told him. It was like a natural thing for me to say. I mean, Hen was already there, I knew Bobby was cool about her, so why keep lying? I wanted a real restart, and it wouldn’t be possible if I began with another lie.”
“I see.” Tommy can see Evan is struggling to ask him everything about it, like a little child, but he’s containing. “And... so... W-what--?”
“I told him I was so grateful about everything he was doing for us, that, you know, no Captain before had really saw us the way he did, but... the 118 walls still reminded me of the old Tommy I didn’t want to be anymore. Like... a douchebag, asshole fake macho man, if I’m remembering my words well.” Tommy laughs softly. “And Bobby just squinted, like he used to do when he knew what you were talking about already, and say like, You don't have to prove anything to anyone under my watch. And those words hit me deep inside. Bobby knew I wasn’t leaving because me being gay or anything, he knew I needed to get rid of the old Tommy. He understood. He wasn’t very happy, though, because he told me he was letting go a great element in the team, but he understood. And I’m always gonna be grateful with him for that.”
“Yeah, Bobby was pretty great, huh?”
“Besides, I wouldn’t be able to date you if we were still sharing the Station, right?
“We need to thank him for that, too.” Evan smiles. “So crazy, don’t you think? I came to fill your place. Hen told me once that the first time I got to the 118 I took your place at the dining table, did you know that?”
Tommy didn’t. He opens his mouth, ready to throw a joke about it. But instead, a random thought comes to his mind.
“Do you believe in the invisible string theory?”
“I heard of it, yeah. Not sure how it applies to us.”
“It's a way, for sure. You placed your beautiful ass when I used to place mine.”
“You’re seriously not trying to make me laugh right now, are you?”
“It is my full-time job. Sometimes I still get lucky.”
“You know I never had to tell Bobby a thing about me? About us?”
“You didn’t?” Tommy remembers sooty Evan at the hospital. Sure Evan never needed to actually tell anybody.
“Nope.” Evan smiled. “He was there that day at Maddie’s wedding, so I assumed he knew because of the...” He gestures over his mouth. “But we never really spoke about it, so I just let it go. And then, one night, I was just ending my shift, gathering my stuff and he just stopped by the dresser room and said something like, Oh, you’re going to Tommy’s? and I felt embarrassed, because we have this-- had... this close relationship, and I never told him anything. I just let it flow.”
“You’ll always have that relationship. And you don’t have to walk around with a neon banner on your forehead, Evan.”
“Yeah, I know, but I felt bad for him. I thought I owed him to hear it from me, even though he never demanded anything like that.” He makes a pause, fidgeting with the coffee cup edge, and then he smiles again, warmer. “He said you were good people, that you were... good for me.”
“I’m liking this Bobby guy.” Tommy smirks.
“He knew that because he never had to talk with me about you. Like a father to a son, you know? Now I think it’s because he really knew a lot of things of you, from working together, which sometimes I tend to forget.”
“Yeah, we did share a lot.” Tommy nods. “And that’s why, Evan, beyond all the pain you’re feeling right now, I’d like you to remember this Bobby, when you think of him. Not the Bobby you call selfish and careless. Because he loved you all a lot. Specially you.”
“I’m not talking about that.” Evan reminds him, blank face again. “You weren’t there, you wouldn’t know.”
“I told you I was there, Evan. In the tent. With the monitors... I stood there when you entered to give him the antidote, I was there when they all were reunited with their loved ones, when Athena went back in to say goodbye to him.” Evan’s eyes open incredulous. “And I was there with you, when you collapsed on that hallway, right after you left him.”
Evan has to wipe a running teardrop from his cheek, but soon there are so many he can’t wipe them all. Some silent drops fall over the kitchen isle, a couple on his already cold coffee.
“You think you were alone, but you're wrong.” Tommy’s voice is shaky, as he tries to focus his blue glassy eyes on Evan. “I was... there. And I hate that I wasn’t able to enter that lab, otherwise I would have run next to you, I would have hold you strong in my arms, while you cried out loud all your pain away because, Evan... Nothing was more painful that seeing the love of my life suffer like that and doing absolutely nothing about it. Makes me wonder if I shouldn’t have sent them all to fuck themselves and entered there anyway... But I didn’t. I was frozen. The whole situation was...”
“You saw me?” Evan stands up from the stool, confused.
“Don’t worry, I was the only one there.” Tommy smiles, wiping his eyes.
“Why didn’t you stay?” Evan asks.
“I really don’t know. Maybe... every time you’re around my judgment gets clouded? That and... oh, the FBI wanted to invite me a cup of tea with them so...” He smirks. “You know how those guys don’t like when you reject them... Specially if you made them chase you all across the LA sky with a suspect of domestic terrorism and a stolen chopper.”
“Yeah, I know. I was on that chopper.”
“Ok, cool. So we do have something in common.”
“Yeah, we do. We have a lot of things in common, Tommy.”
“We both like firefighters.”
“We both can’t seem to survive through normal date, I suppose.” Evan murmurs, shyly. “And we both are still hooked up to our exes. I hope.”
“I can only envy that ex of yours... that still has you hooked up.”
“You’ll like him, I’m sure. He’s a nice person. Kinda complicated, but that’s how I like them.” Evan takes a couple of steps towards Tommy, who’s standing up from the stool. “I-I really want to thank you, after all. For being there... that night, I wasn’t aware of that, no one told me. I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you. And for being here now, taking care of... my mess. Even more after the last time you were here and I... well, I blew it all up.”
“I blew it all up, Tommy corrects him.
“Ok, stubborn.” Evan nods, even closer, looking at his chest and then his eyes. He can’t help to jump a quick view of his lips on the way. “Add it to the in-common things we have.”
Tommy opens his arms, as a silent command for him to glue himself and wrap his arms around that wide back. Evan lets go an eternal sigh.
“Thank you, Tommy.” He murmurs, with muffled voice, breathing Tommy’s scent. “Thank you for everything.”
“He might never told me to, but being after my messy blondie is something I know Bobby would want me to do.” Tommy says, with his mouth on Evan’s wet curls. “And I seriously can’t be happier to do it.”
They stay there, just wrapped in the warmest and closest hug they can share, and for a moment Evan forgets everything that waits for him when he lets Tommy go. There is a lot coming ahead, and he’s gonna need all the strength he can get. Tommy is, for better or worse, the best recharger.
A wild distant beeping comes to their ears.
“Is that... the washing machine?” He murmurs, not taking his cheek from Tommy’s shoulder.
“It is, I took the liberty to put the sheets and the blanket to wash earlier. They stunk, sweetheart.”
Tommy tries to separate, but Evan holds him closer, locking him with his strong arms. He rubs his back, softly.
“They can wait. Don’t let go of me. Not for the rest of the day.”
And Tommy doesn’t.
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