Chapter Text
Let's see how things are going with fanfic-reactions.....
Oh wow. So Hawks is a crybaby who bursts into tears every time someone says “dad”? Genius. How does he even do hero work? Between all the breakdowns?
Oh, wait — it gets better! Everyone’s hating on Hawks for dating the arsonist villain. Meanwhile said arsonist is literally sitting in the same damn room, and no one bats an eye! Ah yes. Love that for us.
4:19 AM — Dabi: "I'm gonna burn you."
4:20 AM — Dabi: "I love you."
Just another typical Tuesday in DabiHawks land ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Hawks, don’t fall for it! He’s an abuser, a manipulator, a gaslighter, and seriously — what’s up with these reactions?! Why is everyone acting so dumb?
Oh right, of course: “It’s my AU, don’t like it — don’t read 😒”
Arpapzhazhahba
Wait, so that means I can just write whatever the hell I want, and shut up all the “stupid haters” with that one magic phrase? Where’s the logic? Where’s the plot? Where are the actual characters? Why is everyone acting like caricatures with eternal whiplash and zero braincells?
You know what? I can write this kind of mess too. And I will.
Welcome to my fanfic
This is exactly the point where sh*t hits the fan
Timeline: Calm Before the Crack.
Hawks is still trying to roll his eggs into the League (don’t ask), Dabi keeps feeding him empty promises like it’s brunch time, and these two dumbasses aren’t dating yet —
but they’ve already mastered the art of villainous banter and casual emotional violence. Serious commentary? Nah, cringe. They're here for chaos.
Cue dramatic teleport sounds
— Hello! Yes, this is a kidnapping ☺️ Look at the screenshots. Leave a like. Real talk though, I don’t need anyone in this mess except Hawks, Dabi, and Endeavor. The rest of the cast is background noise, deal with it.
Everyone else: 😦
Dabi: What the hell are these voices in my head 🤨
Hawks: Bro we all know you're mentally unstable, you don’t gotta put it on speaker.
Dabi: The heroes are bullying me again! Hero №1 is just standing there while Hero №2 humiliates me! This country is rotting! The system is broken! Nothing is sacred anymore!!
(aggressively Dabi noises, stomps foot like a Victorian orphan)
League: *nods in solidarity like the dramatic bitches they are*
Heroes: Oh wow, terrorists with trauma. Groundbreaking. 😑
Hawks: You want a villain union or something?
Dabi: You want a dumbass club membership?
Hawks: 😦😔
— Reaction hasn’t even started and they’re already beefing. I love this for them. Keep going, besties 💅
I show a hot shot of Hawks:
Everyone: 😐
Me: 🤩 MY MAN.
I show beat-up Hawks:
Heroes: 😨
League: *could use some popcorn and beer tbh* 😋
Dabi: What did you expect? I’m a villain, babe 😈 Mwahaha
I show Dabi flexing:
Dabi: Damn, my parents really should’ve signed me up for dance class.
Hawks: They should’ve signed you up for foster care.
Endeavor: *visibly confused why the camera’s still on Dabi twerking in a fireball* (He’s old. Old age brings confusion. And zero orgasms.)
Cut to: Flashback explaining why Dabi’s dancing like he just escaped therapy.
Everyone: 😨😰😟😱😥😓
Endeavor: 😱🤐
Hawks: They really should’ve dumped him at the orphanage. (The Flamebird does not forgive. 😒)
Dabi: You ruined the most important moment of my life!! 🤬🤬🤬
Hawks: Bro, your life was ruined the moment you were born.
Dabi: Facts, no lies detected. You hear that, Dad?
Endeavor: 😭😭😭
Dabi: Even your number one fangirl thinks it’s your fault, old man.
Hawks: Why do you always flip my insults into wins?? 😡
Dabi: *villainous laughter intensifies* 😈
Hawks: You’re right. I’m not a fan.
Everyone: 😨
Dabi: …Wait. FOR REAL? 😧 (Was it my tragic backstory? Is that what got to you? 🥺)
Hawks: Yeah. We’re lovers.
Dabi: YOU SON OF A—
*technical difficulties due to fire damage on the set of this reaction stream*
Video starts: DabiHawks just casually vibing together
Dabi: Can we cut that guy out of the footage?
Hawks: Only way to save this footage is by cutting your ugly mug out.
Dabi: Yawn. How basic, hero. And here I thought your tongue was sharper than your blades.
Hawks: …Can I get a retake?
Dabi: What is this, an exam?
Hawks: Pretty please? 🥺
Dabi: I love how pathetic your face looks when you beg. Fine. Can we cut that guy out of the footage?
Hawks: We can cut your liver out. C'MERE, YOU LIMP-FRIED MANIAC!
*technical difficulties due to aggressive winged lunatics on set*
Dabi: I knew heroes were two-faced bastards. “Protect the innocent,” you say—and then just stand there while this psycho tries to gut me like a fish.
Heroes: You literally burned over thirty innocent people.
Dabi: AND HE JUST TRIED TO HARVEST MY ORGANS. *Master-level blame shifting*
Hawks: YOU. BURNED. MY. WINGS.
Dabi: Actually — technically — I haven’t yet. That’s a future crime! Doesn't count! And YOU started it! *throws tantrum, stomps foot*
Endeavor:… *Processes that this is 100% his son and that he has not matured in the slightest.*
Everyone else: *Collectively realizes they could’ve wrapped filming a day early if these two weren’t constantly at each other’s throats.*
Some brave soul: You two bicker like a divorced couple.
Dabi & Hawks: We weren’t even married!
Same brave soul: So the divorced part’s the only issue? You’re cool with couple, huh
Fandom mode: activated. Shipping content incoming.
Everyone, even DabiHawks themselves: 😦😦😦
Endeavor: Touya, WHAT is going on?! Why are you with him?!
Touya: Wait — wait. I just announced to the world that I’m your long-lost evil son, and the FIRST thing you ask about… is this unhinged bird??
Hawks: Not to butt into the family drama, but just so you know—if you hadn’t burned me alive—in the future, of course—I probably wouldn’t be such a psycho now.
Endeavor: Hawks, stop making this about you!
Touya: HELLO?! Why’d you answer him and not me?! I asked first!! Is this chicken more important to you than your just-revealed son?! Is this how you mourned me?! HUH?*Sounds of deeply offended Touya*
League: *shocked silence* (First time seeing Dabi look like a sad kicked puppy)
Dabi: *turns to the heroes* You see this?? I spent ten years cooking up the perfect revenge plot. Lived in the cold. Starved in the gutters. Washed my hands in the river. Slept in a doghouse — with the dog. And THIS is the thanks I get?! The man won’t even TALK to me!
Everyone: 🥺😢😭
Endeavor: Touya, plea—
Hawks: *wraps a wing around the miserable child* Sorry, man. For real. If it helps, you can totally roast one of my wings.
Endeavor: There you go again, making it all about you! And get your filthy talons off him, you feathered pervert!
Touya: Oh, so you yell at him but not at me?! I literally barbecued a man alive! I torched your colleague! I almost set your favorite son on fire! And not a single yell?! You hate him more than me?! Am I that worthless to you?! I BURNED THE WORLD just to get your attention — and you’re losing your shit over this stupid pigeon copping a feel?!
Everyone: *on the edge of their seats, emotionally invested in this telenovela*
Endeavor: *trying to form one coherent sentence; his aging brain is buffering*
Touya: *system error, re-evaluating life's purpose*
Touya: If it pisses you off that much… Hawks, get your feathery ass back here! I’m gonna kiss you so hard your organs’ll come out your mouth!!
Everyone: 😦🍿
Toga: 😍😋
Hawks: WHOA WHOA WHOA! Dude, chill! *flies to the far end of the room*
Touya: Come back here, my darling feather-duster! Let’s get married and have a ton of babies! Papa needs grandkids!!
Endeavor: TOUYA! MY INNOCENT BOY! That bird corrupted your pure heart with his horny ways!
Hawks: Bro, why am I getting blamed?! I’m straight!!
Touya: You liar! My sweet lying chicken! Come down here! We’ve got a whole happy family life to plan!
Recording ended because two unma— Touya asked to rephrase — two happily engaged disaster gays completely destroyed the set