Archive of Our Own ^beta

1.

Kaoru's love was never quiet, not when you knew what to look for.

It’s in the lingering touches hidden behind the aggression. It’s in the care, guidance and protection expressed along with irritation and annoyance (“your balance center is off, baboon, you're gonna fall and lose your remaining brain cells”). It's in the way he'll remember everything, even if it's shown through petty claims or teasing that goes way back to decades ago. It's in the way he says it's profitable for both sides, yet will go way beyond his way to help others, with complaints and scowls but still there. It's in the trust only given to a selected few to show his true self.

It's in the way that he's always there, even if he'll give a million excuses as to why, and insists it's an inconvenience for him, yet he'll never leave. 

Through the years, Nanjo Kojiro had been the main target of it, albeit unknowingly. 

Ironically, words had never been Kaoru's strong fort. Not when spoken, directly, about his truths. In spite of the general superficial opinion, Kaoru feels too much. If he talked about it, he'd be so overwhelmed by it, he wouldn't stop until his soul was laid bare in front of everyone to see. He couldn't have that. So instead, he wrote. 

Through his art, he expressed everything that he couldn't. By gliding the ink across the paper, Kaoru takes a moment to breathe and center his mind and heart. For once, all his focus is on the flow of the brush, and not on the racing thoughts that constantly plague his brain. In spite of his efforts, he can't lie through the brushstrokes. Every piece has a part of his self.

It's not about perfection. It's about the beauty in honesty. 

He may not be able to say it out loud, but it's always been there. 

“Remember, Kaoru, we do more than just paint pretty impeccable brushstrokes. Calligraphy is more than just sentimental characters or thoughtful proverbs. It's the way of writing for a reason. When we write, there's no erasers. We embrace the present. It's daunting but there's some beauty in it. We may write the same character a million times and still none will be the same. It reminds us that every moment is unique and precious.” 

The pink haired woman, Sakurayashiki Masako, was lecturing her teenage son as she made the last strokes on her paper. She was wearing a lovely white kimono with pink flowers adorning it. The silk sleeves were tied back by a clothed tasuki over her shoulders. Her soft pink hair was held up in a bun by a hairpin decorated with peonies and narcissus. Not a single hair was out of place. 

“We also embrace ourselves. We leave a reflection of our inner self in the paper. Our art is a special one. It makes you take in air and really look inside you.” She lifted her sight to admire her work. In delightful strokes was written: 

以心伝心 (ishindenshin)

 “Heart to heart.”

The edges of her mouth curved slightly upwards at her work. But when she turned to share it, she noticed that the young teen was dozing off while sitting in seiza. She took her wooden fan out of her sleeve and smacked the cocky teenager on the left side of his head. 

“Oi, mother! I was just resting my eyes.” 

“What I'm trying to say” She said, not trying to hide her smirk as she adjusted her glasses. “is enjoy these moments, Kaoru. Your grandmother is giving you the chance to present your work at her shop. You'll miss the times when you get to express yourself. Once you take over the studio, you'll be filled with endless restrictive commissions. You won't always be allowed to let the beauty of truth flow.” 

An older Kaoru might have agreed with that. Although he'd been given the chance to set his own collections multiple times, more often than not he was stuck with prissy clients that didn't want his art but his technical skills. They just wanted him to reproduce some old saying in an elegant way. He must say, the calligrapher hated more the ones that apparently gave him the freedom, providing a generic theme, but then got pissed off that he didn't write exactly what they wanted. 

Still, the teenager just rolled his eyes when she wasn't looking and wondered how long before he could go find out what shenanigans Kojiro was getting into. 

“Now think about your piece and we'll go over it later.” She handed him a poetry book and patted his head as she made her way out of the studio in their home. “Don't get too distracted with Kojiro-kun, we're doing this tomorrow”. 

Even though all the teenager wanted to do was let the book fall on the tatami, run outside and find new ways to make the vein in Kojiro’s forehead pop, his mother was kind of right. 

Ever since he was a little kid, they’d instructed Kaoru in the way of calligraphy. As his mother annoyingly loved to remind him, not so much because he had advanced skills from an early age, but because he wouldn’t stop crying whenever she would lock herself up in the studio for hours. She figured that if she gave him something to do, she could at least make some progress on her own work. 

Since then, he’d perfected his technique. In spite of his hotheaded nature, he found a way to stop, center himself and just let the words stream pristinely. When he held the brush, the world faded away. He took control. His grandmother had said that even the oldest apprentices weren’t as good as him. But it was one thing to refine the skill, and another to let his soul in the paper. It was getting boring to just practice. Passionless.

This was his chance to prove himself. To let the world of old snobs know that he was more than just a pretty face. Naturally, nothing felt right. 

He closed the poetry book with a groan for the umpteenth time, let himself fall on the tatami and set his pink mane free. He skimmed over the pages but nothing called to him. They were profound thought inducing phrases, passed through generations, regarded as basic life concepts, and yet the teen couldn’t care less. 

“Write from the heart, what’s that even supposed to mean?” Kaoru mumbled to himself. He wondered if he could get away with writing a verse from those punk songs he loved. He’d love to see the uptight clients unknowingly praise a piece from My Chemical Romance. 

Before he could pretend to read the book again, he got interrupted by the sound of pitter patter on the window that overlooked the street, along with the voice that will forever haunt Kaoru. 

“Yo, four-eyes!” 

Kaoru considered closing the curtains and pretending to be asleep. He didn’t need to look down to know that a green haired boy was calling out to his window. He was probably still in his black junior high school uniform, already rumpled, most likely blazerless, just getting off his green bike. 

“I can see you, pink rat”

Suddenly the poetry book held all the answers to the universe. 

“Don’t ignore me, scrawny!” 

He couldn’t see or hear from up there, but Kaoru was sure that Kojiro exhaled loudly from his nostrils. It made him smile. 

After some profanities were thrown, the older teen must have sighed and resigned himself. “I brought the pasta you like.” 

“You should’ve started by that, dimwit” Kaoru was delighted to see Kojiro’s miffed face when he finally looked through the window. He thought he resembled an angry monkey. It was adorable. “I’ll come outside.” 

When asked about their relationship, neither was sure what to answer. If people pointed out that they were friends, they would pull a face and deny it, mostly Kaoru. If the other was around, they’d take the chance to insult each other to prove that they were absolutely not friends. But when others started complaining about them and mentioned that they hated each other,  something off settled inside them. It didn’t feel right. 

Oddly enough, Kaoru felt more at peace when their classmates said they were the only ones that could stand each other. Kaoru took some pride when his skills of pushing Kojiro’s buttons was on display, along with the reassurance that the green haired teen was a decent contender. At least with him there was some sort of challenge, excitement, thrill. 

“Took you long enough, pinky” 

“Tsk. Impatient monkey.” Kaoru dodged Kojiro’s lazy kick and sat next to him on the steps of the front door. “Well…” He extended his hand. 

“What are the magic words, brat?” The younger teen didn’t deign that with an answer, and when he spotted the bento box he went to grab it. Kojiro lifted it just out of his reach. Damn growth spurt. “Nope, not feeding ungrateful cheapskates” 

“You brought me that, broccoli brain” 

“I take it back”

“I’ve had enough of your shit, moron!” 

“Oh poor twig, can’t reach it” 

Watanabe-san next door kept on watering her plants, unfazed by the two teenagers wrestling on the floor like little kids. 

“Ah! Cheating tanuki!” A low kick made Kojiro drop the bento box and Kaoru smirked triumphantly. 

Even if it wasn’t his intention, Kojiro could always make Kaoru smile.

When Kaoru took the first bite of the pasta, he swore he saw fireworks. He quickly schooled his expression before the teenager inflated his ego. He wasn’t as sneaky with the way he finished the meal in seconds, disregarding any etiquette and almost licked the plate clean. 

“So? Whatdaya think, gremlin?” He shook his head fondly. 

“It was adequate…careful with the salt and spice it up.” 

“Gotcha, prick” Kojiro smiled at him in a way that made Kaoru want to punch the lights out of him and nodded. 

“Why did you even bring this?” He shoved the box in Kojiro’s chest. 

“I was trying a new recipe. Arrabbiata. My mom and sisters won’t be honest with me. Everything is perfect for them. I love them but If I want to get better, I need someone to be honest with me”  There was that look again. Only ever directed at Kaoru. He needed to look anywhere but at those burning burgundy eyes. Kojiro shrugged. “Besides, I figured that if you weren’t pestering me, you were holed up in here. Probably hadn’t eaten in hours.” 

That was…thoughtful and disturbingly true. 

Ever since they were snotty little kids meeting in kindergarten, Kojiro had always known. Everything that Kaoru needed, Kojiro was always there. He’ll give a million excuses to hide how much he was taking care of him. Not because he was ashamed, but because he knew Kaoru would kick him if he did it so openly. 

Kaoru would constantly wonder why, why was Kojiro still there. They met some fateful day in Kindergarten when Kaoru was the new kid and the only one brave, or stupid enough to approach him was a chubby green haired boy with an innocent smile. Despite Kaoru’s harsh words, punches, and the not so subtle attempts of the teachers to keep them apart, Kojiro came back. Everytime Kaoru would ask why, Kojiro would shrug and say he liked him. When Kojiro had been picked on by some older kids, something in Kaoru had told him that only he could do that. They later found out they loved the same cartoons and, even if they fought over which of their favorite characters was the best, it was settled.

One chance meeting and they had been attached on the hip ever since, much to both of their dismay. They fought, called each other names, reprimanded the other for their wrong opinions on stuff they liked, but always stayed close.

They’ve changed, of course they have. They are not the same little devils. They’ve gotten older, met more people (Kojiro more than Kaoru), gotten more responsibilities, explored a bigger world, and still they decide to orbit around each other. 

Kaoru didn’t understand why, and spite of his complaints, he actually didn’t mind. 

“...earth to pinky?” Kojiro tapped him on the forehead. 

“Get your paws off me” 

“Thought I’d lost you there. Where did you go, Ru?” He always noticed and always cared. Frankly, it scared Kaoru.

“Somewhere far too complex for your tiny pea-sized brain” 

“Gremlin” Kojiro gave him a flat look. He sighed like a tired man and stood up. He perked up with an idea. Kaoru decided to not rest on the thought that he looked like an excited puppy. “Race you to the beach!” Kojiro got up on his bike and left, confident that Kaoru would follow. Because of course he would. 

“Who’s the cheater now, jackass?” Kaoru wasted no time getting on his pink bike and following behind, easily getting on par with him. He tried to push Kojiro off. 

“You’re a menace!” 

“Bite me!” 

“I should’ve just left your sorry ass crying back in kindergarten!” 

“Oh you couldn’t live without me.” 

They almost got run over by a car. Twice. They didn’t care. They were too busy laughing as they tried to make the other fall. 

As Kaoru saw how Kojiro threw his head back laughing, letting out the stupidest, carefree, brightest sound, the same one that had warmed Kaoru’s heart since they were five, while he was bathed by the sunset rays, the teen finally found the inspiration for his piece. 

The next morning, his mother gave him an unimpressed look as he proposed: 

馬鹿は死ななきゃ治らない ( baka wa shinanakya naoranai )

“Idiots won’t get better without dying” Or more known as once a fool, always a fool. 

Kaoru argued it was a creative out of the box way to reflect over the defy of the impermanence of life. His mother told him to try again. He grumbled under his breath about her not understanding his vision and showed her his backup plan: 

袖すり合うも多生の縁  (sode suriau mo tashō no en)

"even the slightest contact, like two people's sleeves brushing against each other, is due to fate from a past life."  

No, Kaoru’s love wasn’t quiet. Even if he couldn’t hear it himself yet.

Unsurprisingly, Kaoru came back to an empty house. 

The Sakurayashiki household had long grown accustomed to the silence. Fuyuko, his older sister moved out long ago. Since his mother took over his grandmother’s shop, she rarely comes back home before nightfall, if she’s even in the same state. Kaoru’s not bothered by it. He’s often not alone anyway, not really. 

When Kaoru’s not hanging at the Nanjo household — he stopped saying intruding after Nanjo Lucia, Kojiro’s mother, convinced him that he would always be welcomed there — either he’s causing havoc at the town, most likely with Kojiro, or they both come back here. 

But that day he was alone. Because Kojiro was too busy dealing with the millions of confessions he started getting daily and Kaoru had no interest in spending time with anyone else, he never had. 

Kaoru objectively, logically, scientifically, understood what all the girls (and some boys and theys, even if they weren’t ready to say it out loud yet) saw in Kojiro. The green haired teen was handsome in a cute boyish way, already grown from his awkward early teen body and now getting more comfortable in it. He had even pulled on muscles, seemingly out of nowhere. To deal with the bitter jealousy, and something else that he wasn’t ready to name, Kaoru liked to call it his monkey growth-spurt. 

Kojiro was charming, irritatingly so because it wasn’t a front, that’s just how sunny Kojiro was. He was kind, even the grannies that frequented Nanjo's ramen shop agreed. Kaoru constantly teased him when they wanted to pinch his cheeks, and Kojiro retaliated by dragging him so they could pinch him too. Quite the sight, given that he was already in full on punk style. 

His smile was like a lightning bolt illuminating any room. Or at least, that’s what Kaoru had overheard whenever he passed next to a group of girls outside the bathroom fawning over Kojiro. Or the times that they ambushed Kaoru to talk about Kojiro and not very discreetly ask if Kojiro was seeing someone. 

Mr class president, who could be top of his class if he cared, that all the jocks wanted him on their team, had long lines of people waiting to beg for his love. One that he gave so carelessly. 

So no, it wasn’t a surprise to Kaoru that Kojiro got confessions lately. But why did it have to be Kaoru’s problem? 

Because now he was coming home alone. He was mentally preparing himself to do that from now on. To spend all evenings on his own too. That his next hobbies would only be his. He was prepared to stop having lunch with Kojiro on the rooftop. He was ready to stop their petty fights, even if they were the only things that kept him awake during the boring lessons. He was aware he’d go back to having no one to talk to, no one to check on him, no one to feel safe with. He assumed he’d get drenched next time it rained, because no one would bring two umbrellas because they know that Kaoru always forgets his. He expected to deal with the trouble he got to on his own, no one would chime in on the street fights. No one would pull him out of his brain. Kaoru knew he’d have to give Kojiro away.

It was Mitsuhata Tsuki, how could Kojiro say no? Every guy in their class would call him a fool. Heck, Kaoru’s sure that people from other schools fawn over her. She’s sweet and kind, but not innocent and certainly not foolish, she’s strong, captain of five clubs including sports, top of her class just after Kaoru, she’s funny, comes from a good family, and he’s seen at least two guys faint over her. How could Kojiro not love her? 

If there was a chance that Kojiro would still remember his name after this, Kaoru had to step away so they could be together. 

It was fine. He only mourned that it happened just as they started skating together. Well, together meaning at the same time while shouting at each other to stop copying one another and it’s not like there’s a lot of spots to skate and neither of them know anyone else that skates. It was only logical that they tried together. Efficient. Just that. 

But Kaoru would survive, he was sure of it. 

Even if he’d never known a world without Kojiro. The years that they didn’t share a class, they would always crash into one another during recess and at the end of the day. When Kojiro got a friend group that Kaoru didn’t like, Kaoru was sure that would be the end. He punched Kojiro and ran so no one would see him cry. And Kojiro was right behind him, saying that if the two couldn’t be there, then none would. They found a way to accommodate their after school clubs. 

Until then, Kaoru was a stranger to the sense of dread that was consuming him. 

Suddenly it all felt too real. School schedules, friends they long forgotten about their names, they didn’t matter. But now Kojiro found someone that does. Someone that’s better, kinder, easier to be around than Kaoru. He’ll go to live a happy life and Kaoru will be all alone. 

Ink bled on the paper, ruining all of his work. He barely registered it was due to his tears. His brain was too busy showing him a thousand images of Kojiro being happy with his new girlfriend while Kaoru watched from the sidelines. Alone. Abandoned. Drifting away with no one even looking his way. 

Kaoru had to get away. He had to do something. He couldn’t breathe. The walls were getting closer and closer, suffocating him. The silence was deafening him. He felt like the people in the pictures, his old relatives, were mocking him, reminding him of his impending doom. 

Without a second thought, he grabbed his board and ran out the door. 

He knew it wasn’t going to be fun. Not without Kojiro making no attempts at hiding his awe when Kaoru landed a trick. Not without the laughter that bursted out of him everytime that Kojiro fell. Not without that unsettling warmth that settled when Kojiro ran to check that he was okay after a bad fall. Not without their joined laughter as they felt like they owned the town. Not without the refreshing childlike spark in Kojiro’s eyes whenever they learned something together. 

Kaoru missed the days that no one could stand to be around them and would just leave them alone. Damn Kojiro and his stupid charisma. To be fair, Kaoru also got confessions but he never entertained them. There was no one that he cared about. 

At least he could forget about it. Recently he learned that skating made him feel like writing calligraphy, it made him stay in the moment. On paper, he would smudge the ink if he got too distracted. On the board, he could break a bone. It reminded him to enjoy the present and just flow. 

Kaoru did feel lighter. He skated through the fresh spring breeze, gaining more and more air, elevating his beating heart and his joy as he glided along the overpass, a secluded area they'd found weeks ago. For a single moment he was able to tune out all the noise and just be. 

But when he landed that trick he’d been practicing all week and no one was there to cheer him on, his heart sank. 

Before he could ride away and get lost around town, he crashed into someone. “Oh, I’m sorry-” 

“What the hell, pinky, why didn’t you wait for me?” Was Kojiro pouting? Kaoru did not think it looked cute. 

“What are you doing here? And you stink, monkey” He hadn’t even changed from his football uniform. 

“We were supposed to practice that railslide after football, but you didn’t show.” Okay, he was definitely pouting and downcast. “Did I do something wrong?”  Kaoru had planned to sit on the bleachers and work on his homework, maybe boo him every once in a while and definitely not stare, but just as he was heading to the field, he saw Mitsuhata approach. 

“What, no! Why aren’t you with Mitsuhata-san?”

If Kaoru weren’t so upset, he’d laugh at the confused look on Kojiro. It looked like he was trying to decipher a legendary equation. “What does she have to do with anything?” 

“Isn’t she your new girlfriend or something?” Kaoru was getting exasperated. Was Kojiro trying to slowly drive the knife in? 

“What? No. She’s great and everything but she’s not my type. I told her I was flattered but not interested. I walked her to the school gates, but then I came back to the field.” Kaoru had seen them embrace, and he was too weak to stay, not strong enough to watch them kiss. He ran home immediately. “I mean, she’s a great kisser, we made out once behind the bleachers, but not what I’m looking for.” 

“Thirsty monkey” Kaoru pushed him, now that he didn’t feel the unbearable pressure in his chest. 

“Quit it, brat, so where were you?” Kojiro easily caught him and kept him in place. Kaoru still rots the day Kojiro got stronger than him. 

“I can’t entertain your sorry ass all day, some of us have stuff to do.” Kaoru pushed Kojiro away, he loathed the way the other teen inspected him with so much care. He didn’t know if his eyes were still red, couldn’t risk him noticing. 

“Wait, so are you leaving?” He wasn’t looking at him and he could still picture that stupid crestfallen look. He hated he was the reason that he sounded disappointed. 

“I…I suppose I can do my good deed of the day and teach you not to fall on your ass.” 

“You’re on, m’lady” How could Kojiro smile so easily? Wasn’t he aware of how much he was radiating? 

They skated until their legs screamed, and even then kept finding ways to push each other. They constantly tried to one up each other, to make each other better. During those times, it was only them against the world, wildly exploring it together. Two bodies, one heart. In the end, Kaoru’s chest hurt again, but this time due to all the unrestrained laughter. 

He didn’t say much, not with words, but with a heart full, he came back home and worked on his next piece: 

鯛も一人はうまからず  (Tai mo hitori ha umakarazu)

“Even tai, when alone, isn’t delicious”

Kaoru doesn't understand what's so special about Kojiro. 

Sure, he can understand the teenage crushes that all of his classmates had on him. The boy was attractive, neutrally there's no denying of it. It was only natural that he became the object of immature innocent teenage infatuation. 

But surely, he wasn't that special. It's not like he could walk on water or turn dust into gold. Nobody has ever seen him flying.  He wasn’t capable of turning water into wine, now that’s remarkable. Of course there must be brighter smiles than his. He wasn't the only one that could cook a decent carbonara. There's million of Italian speakers, even in Japan. Tons are kind. If Kaoru ever left the house, he was just sure that he would find one of the million charming himbos out there. 

So why does Kaoru feel like he can't breathe now that they are 15,715 km and 7 hours away? 

If Kojiro’s just one of millions, why did he stop sleeping? He’s not even sure if it’s night or day most of the time. If it weren’t for the Carla prototype, he’d spent days without eating, showering, or even leaving the bed. He keeps staring at a phone that hasn’t ringed in weeks or maybe months, he already lost track. 

He should move on. If Kaoru had any friends, they’d tell him Kojiro just wasn’t it, that he’d live without him. But how could anyone know that? How can anyone understand that Kojiro took all the color from Kaoru’s life? Packed them all in a brand new suitcase, bought with the savings of Kojiro’s younger siblings, and boarded flight AZ8935, one way to Firenze, Italy. 

Kaoru would never forgive himself for losing him. It wasn’t that he moved away, but that he pushed him away. He regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. Before he could stop himself, he was making a scene at Naha’s international airport. He called Kojiro out on everything that he didn’t deserve. Used him as the punching bag for the pain that Kaoru had borne all those years. 

Told him he was only looking out for number one, as always, as if Kojiro had any ounce of selfishness in his whole body. He said he didn’t need him, didn’t need anyone, so he shouldn’t bother looking for him if he came back. Told him he was glad he could finally get rid of him, he was only holding him back anyway. Let him know how much of a drag he’d been for Kaoru. How could Kaoru sour Kojiro’s dream before it even started?

It was all lies. He was lashing out. His overflowing broken heart was throwing shards left and right. Kojiro didn’t give him enough time. One month wasn’t enough to prepare himself. He knew now that a 100 years with Kojiro wouldn’t be enough to let him go. 

Kojiro’s devastated face was one that still haunted Kaoru’s nightmares.

Once he saw that Kojiro posted that he landed safely, he blocked him from all social media. 

Realistically, they could still contact each other. Neither was a stranger from creating burner accounts just to reach out. Both of their socials were public, Kojiro because he loved to connect and Kaoru for business. If everything else failed, they still had each other’s family contacts. Kaoru could still walk to the Nanjo household, although he had purposely avoided that street altogether. Back at the airport, he couldn't look at them, at  the people that all but adopted him and always made him feel one of his own, as he fled from there. 

Still, it had been months and neither had reached out. Kaoru did make a burner account to check on Kojiro. But the moment he saw him post a picture where he was holding a woman close, Kaoru threw his phone across the wall like it scorched him and finally started working on Carla. 

Naturally, Kaoru could make the logical connection that Kojiro’s absence would be noted. But if he had already programmed Carla to work on most of it, why did he keep looking for something that was no longer there? It was more than just a way of habit. 

Not even Adam’s departure had left this insufferable void. 

Kaoru figured it out then. It took for Kojiro to change continents for him to be able to name it, if only for himself. The suffocation he’s feeling is due to the loss of the only man that he had ever loved. Kaoru was in love with Kojiro, and had probably always been in love with him. 

Perhaps an acquired unconventional taste, but Kojiro was the reason for his joy. Most likely the reason that Kaoru was still alive. The only one that could keep up with him, that managed to make him smile even in the darkest days, that kept his blood pumping, that gave him life, that indulged him, brought him back to earth in spite of Kaoru’s protests, that understood him. The one that had never left. Until now, until Kaoru made him. 

Even now, the reason that broke them, is also one of the things Kaoru loves about him. Kojiro always had dreams. They were attached at the hip, yet Kojiro was always his own person. He was strong willed like that. He always knew how to shine on his own. He wasn’t just a starry-eyed boy, but one that worked hard to reach those stars. 

He was the brightest boy, Kaoru’s sun. But Kaoru wasn’t his moon. 

Kaoru did try to reach out. He wrote a thousand drafts that never got sent. Nothing felt right. How could he brief all of his agonizing feelings in a couple of sentences that may never be read? Besides, what would they do next? Kaoru could never survive if their texts turned into multiple versions of the same cold flat “Hi, I’m fine, how are you?” 

Turns out Kojiro was that special. 

Later that day, or the next he still wasn’t sure, Carla reminded him that he needed to start working on his collection. The first collection that he’d make on his own. His first instinct when his mother let him know, was to tell Kojiro but when he remembered all the mess, he screamed into his empty house. 

If he's honest, most of the pieces were because of him. The ones that people most talked about were: 

のどから手が出る (Nodo kara te ga deru)

“As much as my hands would come out of my throat”

口は災いの元 ( kuchi wa wazawai no moto ) 

“The mouth is the source of disaster.”

異体同心 (Itai doushin)

“Different bodies, one heart”

Although he had to rewrite it ten times because the ink kept bleeding through, and even the one he showed had tiny smudges because of how he couldn’t keep his hand still and the tears kept flowing, this one was still the piece that took everyone’s breath away: 

胸がはち切れそうで (mune ga hachikire-sou)

“My heart seems like it’s going to burst”

Whenever Kaoru got called to his mother’s office, he felt like he was being called at the principal’s office. And he had been, millions of times when he was in high school, while some had been for being top of his class or reaching some record, most were about his hair, his piercings, and mainly his attitude. Even if he’d managed to be civil with his mother, he was still outgrowing his antagonistic teenage phase, and these calls still made him restless and defensive. 

“Everyone adored your collection. Even your grandmother said it was better than my own debut.” She said in lieu of a greeting, the last part hardly restraining some misplaced resentment. She kept on working on one of her pieces. It was rare these days, she’d been more focused on networking and was slowly preparing the place for when Kaoru took over the shop. 

“Thank you?” 

“You know, Tamashiro-sama offered me a million yen for the main piece.” 

“That’s” The highest someone has offered for Kaoru’s work. He barely managed to mask his surprise. “very generous of him.” 

“I told him you’d think about it. It feels too special to let go. There’s too much raw feeling there, isn’t it? It’s too honest.”

“I thought that’s what we were supposed to do.” 

She sighed and put her brush down. She gave him that unimpressed look, the same one she reserved for when he was an unruly child. “We’re built differently, you know that. We’re not the best at communicating. I do regret that words have failed me far too many times, especially with you. But we have this” She signals to her unfinished work. “At least here, we let it all flow.” She looked at his piece, proudly hanging on the wall. When she turned back to him, she gave him a tired smile. “This is about Kojiro-kun, isn’t it?” 

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Kaoru tried to control his features. He was already trying to choose an adequate excuse to flee.

“You know, Miku-san called me that day at the airport.” Kaoru braced for impact, ready to hear what he had been dreading for months, that the Nanjos would finally cut him off of their lives. But his mother softened, “She was worried about you. They all were… we all are. I know I should’ve asked you sooner, but I didn’t know if you wanted me. What’s going on, Kaoru? ” 

In a moment that surprised both of them, he broke. He told her everything. Or almost everything, he wasn’t ready to come out to her. Although, by the way that she phrased certain sentences, he suspected that she already knew. He told her about the fight instead and about how much he was hurting. For the first time in ages, she held him as he cried. 

“You need to tell him, Kaoru” 

“I’m scared” he admitted in a whisper. 

“I know. I know it’s hard for us. But that boy adores you, Kaoru. He deserves this, deserves for you to try .” 

“But what if he doesn’t want me?” 

“Sometimes in life we need to take a leap of faith. To jump without a safety net, trusting that someone will catch us. It’s hard. I haven’t done it in ages. But Kojiro-kun…the both of you, deserve for you to take that chance.”  

“He’s still thousands of kilometers away” 

“And I remember the million times I’ve grounded you, and you still found a way to sneak out to the Nanjo household, or Kojiro sneaked into your room. Both Miku-san and I were aware, thanks. I also remember that summer you spent all your combined savings on walkie-talkies so you could keep talking at night. Or the one after that where you had to figure out the mail because we went back to Hokkaido and you needed a way to keep in touch. Of course after the first two, you got exasperated and stole my cellphone.” The trip to memory lane did bring a small smile to his lips. “What I mean is, as we grow up, life will take us to different paths. It’s only natural. Calligraphy reminds us of that, of the impermanence of human life. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t change together. I know this is the big one, but I also know that both of you are too hard headed to let it beat you.” 

It took Kaoru another month to reach out. It probably wasn’t the apology that Kojiro deserved. But it was the best he could do before his treacherous heart got in the way and he once said everything that he didn’t mean. 

It took Kojiro a week to answer. 

It wasn’t perfect. The first exchanges were short, stiff, unsure, overly cautious, both walking on eggshells. They both knew that they were relying too much on their excuses. Pretending that work kept them busy and their 7 hour time zone difference didn’t help. That call signal was bad. That they received the text when they were about to sleep, even though neither had ever been an early sleeper. 

Their first video call kept getting rescheduled for two months and before Kaoru could come up with a last minute excuse, Kojiro was already calling. The quality was shitty, Kojiro’s beat up laptop barely showed anything more than static, and he could hear the downstairs neighbors fighting in the background. Neither was sure what to say, what they were allowed to do. But when Kaoru finally got to hear Kojiro’s laugh again, something lit up inside him again. 

Slowly they got back to their rhythm. Calls were still too short. Whenever they talked, Kojiro was about to fall asleep and Kaoru should’ve been asleep hours ago. They still blamed awkward silence on call intermittence and were too scared to ask if they’ve been heard. They still told themselves their fights felt harsher because they were tired. 

Kaoru knew there was a part of Kojiro’s life that he wasn’t telling him. He could talk for hours about his studies. He showed him his perfect dishes. Send pictures of landscapes almost daily. Even had gone back to sending memes that he knew Kaoru would hate. But he never mentioned the dates. He never told him why sometimes he was hungover. Never explained the clothes that were clearly not his that were left in his dorm. 

Kaoru didn’t want to know anyway. He wouldn’t be able to bear it. He got Kojiro back, but he was still too far away. 

Somehow, they survived four years of this torture. Kojiro didn’t have enough money to come back in all of the breaks, and the ones that he did, Kaoru wasn’t strong enough to face him, not if he would lose him again.

When Kojiro kept pushing his arrival date, Kaoru started fearing that he would stay. Or that he’d go somewhere else. Thankfully, by that time Carla already knew how to calm his panic attacks. How ironic, Kojiro had learned how to do that when they were 14 after they both had gotten so scared thinking that Kaoru had a heart attack,  while Kaoru recovered, Kojiro was asking a million questions to the nurse at the ER, and now Carla was guiding him through one caused by him. 

At Carla’s advice, Kaoru tried to take his mind off it. Other than Carla herself and his work, the only other thing that kept Kaoru from constantly screaming into his pillow was this new underground skating scene “S”. 

It took Kaoru months to finally set foot on Crazy rock. Some of his skating acquaintances that he still had on social media kept posting about this secret place. It didn't take much digging for him to fall into the rabbit hole that was S. While it fascinated him, and that night that he stayed up until 3am reading about it was the first night that he didn’t think about Kojiro, he knew that it reeked of Adam. 

Sure enough, when Kaoru finally made it, everyone talked about him. He was some sort of legend. This matador of love that everyone gushed about had to be him. Still, he hadn’t shown up yet. Cherry blossom, Kaoru’s skating persona that he had first created in hig school and was now fully leaning into, wasn’t interesting enough for him to make an entrance. Kaoru is surprised that it still stung. 

In spite of the creeping anxiety that they’ll meet again, Kaoru still loved it. He made this elaborate persona so he could be himself with no repercussions. The stakes had never been higher and they intoxicated the adrenaline junkie inside of him. He was addicted to it, to freedom. Having fans, even if they only loved the person that he decided to show and not the real him, was a well deserved stroke of his ego. 

As usual, his graceful entrance made everyone gasp and turn to face him. In spite of only being attending for a few months, and not even regularly, he’d made a name for himself here. Even if he never gave them more than a glance, his fans made themselves known. While a young Kaoru dreamed of a place where crowds would cheer and give him a hero’s welcome, lewd forward comments weren’t part of the combo. He didn’t care for them, they didn’t come from someone he cared about. 

Tonight, the hero’s welcome wasn’t as pronounced. While most dropped whatever they were doing to look at him, a few were still far more interested in a…newcomer?

He was taller, bigger, stronger, hair longer, muscles defined in a way that should be illegal, but those burgundy eyes still haunted his dreams, he could recognize them anywhere. 

Kaoru never mentioned this place to Kojiro. Kaoru wasn’t sure if the chef wanted to hear about Adam again. Which is why Kaoru’s heart wanted to jump out of his throat when he spotted him. Of course that fate always had other plans for them. 

The once confident, sharp and refined Cherry Blossom was stuck in place as he stared at the newcomer. While not everyone at “S” selected an overly eccentric persona, Kaoru’s still got infuriated at Kojiro’s attempt at an outfit. Some light-washed jeans that were too skinny for Kaoru’s mental stability, Kojiro’s old beat-up yellow nike sneakers, a tacky purple jacket with a white tiger on the back and underneath…nothing. The idiot was completely bare on the top, proudly displaying his ripped body. 

Of course that women were hanging from his arms and he was giving them his stupid sweet boyish smile. The crowd was too excited and yet Kaoru managed to hear the boisterous laugh that still turned his legs to jelly. 

Kaoru had to run. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t prepared for the worst case scenario with Carla. He hadn’t practiced. He’d say the wrong thing. He’d ruin it again.

Carla silently alerted him of an elevated heart rate and oxygen levels decaying. 

Kaoru was about to make a run for it when the monkey, well Kaoru supposes he’s a gorilla now, called his name without an ounce of shame or fear. Italy had made him far too confident for his own good, or Kaoru’s sake. “Four-eyes!” 

Those damn tight powerful gorilla legs brought him to Kaoru in seconds. “Hey, Cherry blossom” Around them, everyone was staring at them, whispering, some even making bets. Kaoru didn’t notice them. 

“You’re back” Kaoru tried hard to mask his conflicted emotions. He was terrified. He was also pissed off that Kojiro hadn’t told him, had once again given him no  time to prepare. But more than anything, for once in a long time, he thought he felt happy. 

“I’m back” Kojiro stared at him for a long time, trying to figure out how to approach him, as if he wanted to get close to a feral animal. But then there it was again, the look Kaoru had hated for years, the one that told him that Kojiro was up to no good. Before Kaoru could back off or tell him to stop whatever idiotic thing he was thinking, Kojiro had engulfed him in a bone crushing hug. Kaoru’s brain short-circuited when he noticed that he was no longer touching the ground. “I missed you so much, Kaoru” 

“Get off me, you gorilla!” Kaoru would insist on his death bed that the wetness in his eyes was due to his sweat and nothing more. If his voice cracked, it was only because his chest was being crushed. “Do not use that name here!” 

“Who are you calling a gorilla, nerd?” Kojiro reluctantly let him go. 

“You, you overgrown monkey, what did they feed you there?” Kaoru may have lingered more than was necessary as he disgustedly swatted at Kojiro’s bare chest. 

“It’s called working out, you should try it sometime, cinnamon stick boy” 

“And did you decide to be vetoed from every onsen? What is this thing?” Kaoru traced the patterns on Kojiro’s tattoo. Objectively, Kaoru had always known that Kojiro was attractive. But looking at him this way was making his heart rush. He couldn’t stop obsessing over it. And apparently, every woman on the mountain had the same thought as him. He got closer to Kojiro. 

“Do you like it? A parting present” 

“Parting?” Kaoru had to be sure. He couldn’t hope, couldn’t dream, not if he’d feel the same agonizing longing again. 

“I’m back home, for good, Kaoru” 

Kaoru couldn’t stand that look. Those tender scarlet eyes would be the death of him. He dropped his gaze and it landed on the center of Kojiro’s chest, where a blue wooden triangle rested. “You still have this?” When Kaoru broke his first board, Kojiro bullied him until he made at least one memento out of it, but when Kaoru settled on the necklace, he handed him to Kojiro, so he would never forget who the best skater was. So he would never forget Kaoru. 

“Never took it off. Not even then.” He didn’t have to say when, they both knew, they both could barely keep it together that time they were truly apart. 

“...hoarder.” 

When Kojiro freely threw his head back laughing, Kaoru felt like he was finally complete. 

“Why don’t you show me if you’re still the same concrete eater, huh, rat?” 

“Please, you’re talking to the AI-Skater, I don’t just skate anyone” 

“AI?” Kojiro tilted his head in that irritatingly adorable way of his. 

“Carla, teach the idiot” 

“Yes, Master” Kaoru’s black skateboard lit up with purple light. He beamed at her with so much love and admiration. “Hello…how may I call you?” 

“I’m..uh…I…Joe’s fine?” Kaoru snickered at Kojiro’s growing confusion. 

“I’m Master’s artificial intelligence assistant. I help him with a lot of tasks including his skating. His and others. For example, I can tell that your balance center is way off. You are more likely to fall.” Kaoru burst into laughter at that. 

“Oi! Your robot girlfriend is just as mean as you!”

“She just told you, moron, she’s not a robot. She’s an artificial intelligence. Learn some respect.” 

“Looks more like your nanny” 

“She’s far too advanced for your gorilla brain!” 

“Shut up, pretentious brat! Do you even skate anymore?” 

“Oh I’ll show you, you feckless ape!” 

It took them fifteen more minutes of insults before they headed to the starting line. The crowd was quite confused by their dynamic. Did they already know each other? Were they rivals? Their words were harsh, twice they sent the other to the floor, and yet Joe had a wide grin and Cherry wasn’t exactly scowling. 

Kaoru won, of course, he knew the course better. Neither of them cared other than for all the insults and teasing that Kaoru made Kojiro endure when they stayed talking after everyone left. All that mattered was that skating felt complete again. All that mattered is that behind all of their changes, they were still them. 

Next week, Kaoru had a public showing. It wasn’t as big as presenting a collection, more something for the general public to know about his developing technique of combining AI and Calligraphy. He would only paint a simple phrase that would be then shown on the screen for everyone to awe. 

When he got to the stage, he already knew what he’d write: 

会うは別れの始め (au wa wakare no hajime) 

“Meeting is a beginning of a separation”

In spite of everything, he was still afraid. That this wouldn’t last. That they were growing and Kojiro would eventually leave him. His job would consume him. He’d start a family. He’d finally get tired of Kaoru. He saw how all those women swam over him, it was only a matter of time, wasn’t it? 

But before he started, Kaoru bowed to the audience and there’s where he spotted him. Kaoru hadn’t mentioned this. He thought this kind of art wasn’t Kojiro’s thing. He wasn’t sure that Kaoru’s interests were still important to him. And yet here he was, front row seat, obnoxiously clapping and cheering the loudest, uncaring of the dirty looks that he got. Giving Kaoru that smile that took him back to the boy that had never left Kaoru’s side and Kaoru had fallen and still loved. 

For the first time in forever, Kaoru dared to hope. He forgot about his original idea and took a leap of faith. 

Luckily, Carla had been developed enough to coach him through the sudden change. When his demonstration was done, everyone could observe on the screen the writing of: 

うつろわざるもの ( Utsurowazarumono)

That Which Remains Unchanging

When the presenter asked Kaoru about it, he gave some speech about how in the adversity of life, in the impermanence, it was an admirable virtue to remain unchanged, at least where it mattered. Kojiro didn’t ask him about it later, but Kaoru could live on by the pride he saw in his eyes.  

Life keeps taking them on new journeys, but this time, they face them together. And since they still are Kaoru and Kojiro, they do it kicking and screaming at each other. 

Kaoru couldn’t have been prouder than when Sia La Luce opened its doors. Kojiro stood with him every step of the way as Kaoru officially took over his family’s studio. It was quite the experience to have him there, where so many pieces that Kaoru wrote about him were hanging there, with him none the wiser. Kaoru supposed it was fitting that the last piece he wrote was: 

 知らぬが仏 (shiranu ga hotoke)

“Not knowing is Buddha”

Also understood as ignorance is bliss, which was a thoughtful proverb but also a petty jab at Kojiro’s intelligence. Kaoru could make a whole collection with this kind. Of those, some he did point out to Kojiro, which led to their usual jabs and rough housing that usually ended with childish smiles and everyone else’s mortification. 

When the kids barge in into their makeshift stability, along with Adam’s chaos, some things still remain the same. 

Kojiro’s still obnoxiously kind and attentive. Kaoru’s getting tired of reminding him that his restaurant needs to be profitable and that’s not going to happen if he keeps letting in strays and feeding them. Langa might be skinny, but that kid’s a living vacuum. Reki and Shadow aren’t that far off behind, and Miya just keeps demanding the expensive stuff. They are going to bleed the chef dry. 

“Like you do? Jealous, pinky?” Kojiro asked him with a stupidly charming wink one night that Kaoru came after hours with the excuse to charge Carla. 

“As if I could be jealous of a bunch of brats.” 

“I once again ask, like you?” Kojiro let that unrestrained laugh free when Kaoru flipped him the bird. “Look at you, Sakurayashiki-sama, so refined.” 

“See if I care when you go broke” 

“Oh yeah? And who’s going to feed you all day?” 

“I’ll just hire you as my personal chef” 

“Wait, are you capable of paying? You had me fooled all these years, cheapskate.” Kojiro easily dodged the napkin thrown at his face. He wasn’t that lucky with the fan on his bicep. 

“You are such a careless child” 

“Relax, pinky, it’s just a couple of meals. I’ll be fine. Besides, my accountant hasn’t said anything.”

“Your accountant is a fool, you should let Carla check your books.” 

“Just say you care about me, Ru” He got another swat for his efforts. 

It wasn’t just the free meals. After the kids had fought their way into their lives, it came so easy for Kojiro to drop everything and be there for them. Whenever they needed advice or just someone to listen to them, Kojiro was there. If he couldn’t help them, he shamelessly sent them to Kaoru, especially for homework. He took them on rides on his free day, when he should actually be resting. He taught them the same trick again and again until they got it. He went with Hiromi to the bars when he needed a friend, and carried his drunk ass back home. He dropped whatever plans he had on that trip on Miyakojima just to check on them. More often than not, he’d leave his horde of fans to hang out with them at “S”. 

Kaoru supposed that the last one wasn’t that bad. 

It wasn’t just for them. It came natural for Kojiro to be there for everyone else, no matter what. Part of his caring but also careless personality. And more often than not, that care was aimed at Kaoru himself. Kaoru was outraged when he was lucid enough to figure out that Kojiro had left during lunch rush to care for Kaoru last week. Or well, first to drag him home when Kaoru’s assistant called him, and then to make him rest and nurse him back to health from that horrid cold. Kaoru was bitchy, difficult, an undeniable textbook brat, mortifyingly clingy, and Kojiro still ruffled his hair and gave him that stupid smile. 

When he was sick, when he got drunk at the club or at Kojiro’s restaurant, when he got too much in his head, whenever he needed him, even if he didn’t ask for it, Kojiro was always there. 

How could he be so free about his affection? Didn’t he understand all the risks? Wasn’t he terrified by  being vulnerable? How wonderful would it be to be able to love as freely as Nanjo Kojiro. 

More wonderful would be to be loved by him. 

Whenever Kaoru dared to hope that it was mutual, that maybe he could be the only one that held the chef’s heart, that maybe that stupid look was one of love, love meant only for him, something always brought him back to earth. Kaoru used to be naive, he hoped too much from people and when they eventually disappointed him, it broke him. Adam was the main example. He couldn’t have that with Kojiro. He endured too much heartbreak already. 

Kaoru wasn’t sure what Kojiro felt. It made no sense to him. One moment, he’s flirting with his fans or whatever new date he’s got, taking them home, loving them , and then the next he’s giving too much of himself to the kids, to his family, to the world, and he’s looking at Kaoru like that.  

Kojiro was too damn careless. In skating, in life, in love, in everything. How could he walk with his heart in his sleeve? The damn fool was going to fall on some hole he could not dig himself out of one day. What will Kaoru do then? 

“Yo, earth to robot boy, do we copy?” 

“Get your meaty gorilla fingers off me” Kaoru lazily swatted them away. 

“Where did you go, Ru?” That sweet silly technique he always used to bring him back down from Kaoru’s own hell: his brain. 

“...you stayed” Kaoru surprised himself by blurting that. Everyone leaves, it’s the natural way of life, Kaoru knew it all too well. Everyone but him. 

“Um…yeah well it’s my restaurant, so…” God, Kaoru’s in love with an idiot. 

“Never mind, feeble minded gorilla”

“What? No, I wanna know!” Kojiro had no right to look that cute while pouting like a petulant child. 

“None of your business, jerk” 

“You are my business, pinky. Someone has to keep you alive, lest Carla stage the robot uprisal if you fall” That stupid golden retriever smile was close to killing him. 

How can he just say these things? Kaoru didn’t get him at all. Even that night when he took his time to breathe and center himself, he still couldn’t comprehend the enigma that was Nanjo Kojiro. 

All he got out of his meditation was one finished commission that was left for his own consideration: 

逍遥自在 (shouyou jizai) 

“Wander freely. To just entrust where you’re walking to your feelings.” 

+1 

Kojiro never noticed them. Even when Kaoru shamelessly presented them as the main piece of his collections. Even when he wanted him too. 

It's not that he didn't see them. Kojiro always went to his presentations, no matter how big or small. The chef would throw a fit when Kaoru didn't consider them important enough to mention them to him. Heck, sometimes Kaoru thinks there's more reposts of his work on Sia La Luce's main social media page than on Sakurayashiki Calligraphy’s. 

But still, Kojiro never really looked at them. It never crossed his mind that they could all be about him. 

To be fair, Kaoru did admit that some were about them. Proudly framed and hanged on Kojiro’s Sia la luce walls, was one that Kaoru brought on his restaurant’s opening: 

七転び八起き (nana korobi ya oki)

“Seven times fallen, eight times standing”

To present to everyone the stubborn perseverance that allowed for Kojiro to accomplish his dreams. 

Others weren’t as nice. Kaoru would constantly write jabs at Kojiro whenever he wanted to annoy him, with perfectly veiled insults behind the carefully crafted proverbs. Most of the time it was playful teasing, but whenever he was truly pissed off at him, he let all the rage bleed through the paper. 

The ones that mattered, that were right out of Kaoru’s soul, usually went over the head of the chef. The ones Kaoru had been too afraid to point out, but secretly hoped that Kojiro would notice. He lost count of the times that he confessed his love. Sometimes it was too damn obvious, it really intrigued him how Kojiro truly didn’t notice. 

Kaoru had all but thrown his still beating bleeding heart on the paper. Yet Kojiro never even considered it as a possibility. Kojiro wasn’t the airhead that Kaoru constantly accused him off, and still nothing got to him. He was starting to lose hope. 

Then Adam punched him with a skateboard to the head, effectively breaking any hope Kaoru had that they could go back to what they had. What they probably never had. And on the hardest nights, when Kaoru woke up afraid, broken beyond repair, haunted, Kojiro had been there to pick up all of the pieces. Not to fix him, but to stay by his side as Kaoru got strong enough to do it himself. 

Kojiro didn’t expect anything from him. He didn’t reprimand him for finally breaking. He didn’t say “I told you so” or laughed at him as he had warned. Kojiro just held him, whispering soft reassurances and telling him that under no circumstances was he boring, and that he would never be alone.

And Kaoru was finally ready to believe him. He had a lifetime to gather proof that Kojiro would never leave his side. For whatever reason, Kojiro deemed him worth keeping. Which is why Kaoru took his last leap of faith. 

It was risky. It was foolish. It was probably immature and classless. He was totally tapping into the energy of that naive hopeful boy that once dared to dream. 

When Kaoru had been invited to another public display of his work, he saw his chance. He acted nonchalant but was very direct when telling Kojiro. He even left some reminders on their shared calendar. Kaoru was very adamant that it had to be on Kojiro’s free day. The gorilla was not going to miss it this time. 

Carla had to calm his racing thoughts three times. He considered changing the phrase a million times. He even considered cancelling at the last minute. He’d fake some illness, or some relative’s death. Anything to get him out of that foolish idea. 

But then he got that silly overly saccharine sweet text of “Good luck today, pinky, I’ll be there <3!!” and he saw the reminders that Kojiro kept on the group chat with their skate friends to not miss Kaoru’s presentation. While the thought of an audience that they actually knew spiked Kaoru’s anxiety back up again, he couldn’t but smile at the Chef’s attentiveness. 

With one last, or maybe five more, deep breaths, Kaoru walked at the center of the esplanade, where the giant paper integrated with Carla’s sensors was already set, held in place by a couple of students from his advanced class. 

When he took a discreet look at the audience and easily spotted that unruly mop of green hair, some tension dropped from his shoulders. He bowed to the crowd and then, for a moment he allowed himself to get lost in his art. 

This was, without a doubt, his hardest work. It took all in him to control his brushstrokes, to allow the ebb and flow of his mind and body working as one. He was careful, graceful, but not restrained. Not this time. This time it was about letting it all in. 

Save from his ragtag group of friends, the crowd clapped respectfully once the words were projected on the screen: 

恋の予感" (koi no yokan) 

“The premonition of love”

Kaoru and his apprentices bowed to the crowd. The young calligraphers took the brush and paper to get them in the van while the presenter, a young man with a forgettable face, approached him. 

“Sakurayashiki-sensei! That was a wonderful way of handling the brush!” Kaoru gave them all his perfectly crafted faux smile. “Tell us, what is this piece about?” 

“I assume you all must know a similar phrase, Hitomebore, love at first sight. The feeling that when you meet someone for the first time, they…take the air out of your lungs. In one swift motion, like a smile or the catch of a fall, you think that they are the one.” Kaoru pushed aside the bittersweet memories of his youth. “But I like this concept better, koi no yokan, the premonition of love. It’s…like love at second sight. It’s the feeling that when you meet someone, you’re eventually going to fall in love with them. Maybe not right away” He chuckled at his own stupidity. “but it’s inevitable that you will.” 

Kaoru had to fight the bittersweet memories that flooded his mind. Of their fateful meeting in Kindergarten, followed by insults, kicks, tears and screams. Of the tiny Kojiro that kept following him around the playground. Of the tiny Kaoru that finally allowed himself to cling to Kojiro. Of them striking everyone's last nerve in middle school as they kept fighting over everything and making it everyone's problem. Of them doing exactly that in every phase of their lives. Of all the shenanigans and trouble they got into (and keep getting into). Of Kaoru's happiest days when they were just learning how to skate. Of the times he couldn't breathe because a part of him was on the other side of the ocean. Of every time he's looked at Kojiro and got washed by his personal sun's warmth. 

No, it definitely wasn't right away. But it was inevitable that Sakurayashiki Kaoru would fall head over heels with Nanjo Kojiro. And he would just keep on falling. 

“Oh Sakurayashiki-sensei, don’t tell me that there’s a Ms.Sakurayashiki-sensei, you’ll break everyone’s heart” 

“No” He laughed politely. “There isn't. At least not yet.” He winked at them behind his fan. 

“Well, you heard it folks. If you want to take your chance on our beloved calligrapher, raised on our dearest island, get in line. He'll be writing you a personal piece for the next hour.” 

While the kids easily caught on to what he was doing, even Langa and that teen was only capable of three thoughts: skating, Reki and food. He couldn’t say the same about the dense moron that Kaoru had the disgrace of falling for. 

Because just as Kaoru finished writing 猫, neko the kanji for cat for Miya, he looked up to see Kojiro approach, with two women hanging off his shoulders. Did Kaoru’s confession really mean that little to him? 

Kaoru prided himself over the perfectly pristine persona he’d carefully crafted over the years for this part of his world. Everyone thought of Sakurayashiki-sensei as this composed, elegant, and wise artist. It’s been more than a decade and he’d been nothing but flawless. That day, he broke that record. 

Instead of asking what they wanted, Kaoru went ahead and wrote “To little Kojiro: dimwit” in big bold strokes. He still managed to hide the boiling anger inside of him, even if he almost chipped his front tooth with how tight he was clenching his teeth, and he was surprised that the wooden brush didn’t break. When their argument got heated, because they always did, especially when one of them was actually upset, he acted impulsively and painted all over Kojiro’s obnoxious senseless face. It was the least the heartless asshole deserved. 

Needless to say, the guard had to get involved and his presentation was finally over. 

Kaoru’s not sure what devils possessed him to come back to Sia La luce that night. 

After he made sure that all of his equipment came back safely to his studio and that his students got paid, Kaoru retreated to his house. He screamed on his pillow until Carla warned him of his elevated blood pressure. After a set of breathing exercises and calming lullabies, he was ready to fall asleep and hopefully not wake up until the next year. But then he decided that he shouldn’t be the only one upset. 

No, the ungrateful soulless pig had to pay.

“I’m sorry, we’re closed…oh there he is, the famous calligrapher, came here to observe your last work?” Kaoru almost laughed at Kojiro’s dull face, still smudged with rubbed off ink. “What? No sarcastic comment? No gloating? No laughing at my stupid face? You’re lucky today was my day off, I can’t serve food looking like this.”

“Why don’t you ever look?” He asked instead, ignoring everything that Kojiro had said.

“...look? At my face? Aren’t you the one that’s always saying that I’m too full of myself?” 

“No, you moron! Why don’t you ever look at my work?” Kaoru felt like tugging at his hair, or better yet, to pull at Kojiro’s green locks. Why was this so hard? 

“...I always do.” Kojiro’s anger was slowly dying down as his confusion crept in. “They’re perfect. You’re the most talented person I know. I’m always looking.” 

“Then why don’t you ever understand?”

“Kaoru what? What is it to understand? Use your words, pinky, I’m not in your brain” Thank god for that. 

“That they’re all for you, you  goddamn moron! It’s always been you!” 

Kaoru only managed to keep going because of that infuriatingly cute confused puppy look. “..me? what are you talking about?” 

“That piece today, It was about you, about us. Do you even remember what it said?” Kaoru didn't even bother to stop the tears that kept blurring his vision. 

“...koi no yokan? Is it really about us?”

“Is it really that unbelievable?”

“But all? I thought…you're always saying your clients never let you do anything…how could I know it had some meaning?” 

“Is it so delusional that you could never even fathom the thought?” 

“I…Kaoru, what are you trying to say? I'm sorry, I don't have your brilliant brain. I'm gonna need you to spell it for me, princess”

“That I love you, simpleton! That's what I've been writing all these years!”

“Years?”

“Since always, probably, how pathetic, right?” 

“...but why me? I'm not…I'm not special like you. I don't come from your world. I'm not…I'm just little old Kojiro”

“Because…you're you. There doesn't need to be another reason. You're the most special man I know. I can't imagine loving anyone else…even if you don't love him back”

Kojiro turned to him so fast that Kaoru worried he'd snap his neck. “Wait what? Shit, I didn't say it back!”

“...back?” He couldn't mean what Kaoru was thinking, right? It couldn't be. No, Kaoru can't just set himself for heartache yet again. 

Before he could get lost in the spiral of his thoughts, Kojiro engulfed him in his arms. “Hey hey come back to me, pinky, alright? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you, how could I not? ” When their lips finally met, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, certainly not their best kiss, but Kaoru finally felt peace. 

And finally, Kaoru understood that look. It still burned, but he embraced it. Because in here, the one place that felt like home, in the arms of the only man that he could ever love, Kaoru finally found the words. 

0. 

When Kaoru's mother told him that they would be moving from Hokkaido to Okinawa, to be closer to her parents after her divorce, Kaoru was terrified. 

He had barely managed to find some people that he didn't hate in his old kindergarten, and now he had to do it all over again. On top of that, he'd be the weird new kid. What if nobody likes him? What if even more kids picked on him because of his long hair? 

No one had listened to his pleas. Not when he begged his mother not to move him. Not when he tried to manipulate his older sister into not walking him to the kindergarten. The most he got were promises of his favorite sweets after school. He considered making a run for it but Fuyuko knew him too well. She dragged him kicking and screaming directly to his teacher. 

Nakamura-sensei had then made the worst decision of his life. She'd walked over to a chubby little green haired boy with sun kissed skin and asked him if he could play with Kaoru that day. The boy had given her a bright smile and approached. 

Needless to say, it didn't end well. Kaoru kicked him, Kojiro pulled his hair and by the end of the day they had been put on time out three times. But something kept pulling them back together, the fights weren't enough to pull them apart, actually they got them closer. Their childish insults didn't match their bright smiles. 

Kaoru had decided then, that one, that unruly energetic kind shining kid would be his and from then on, they would never be alone again. 

When Kaoru had finally convinced his mother to give him a calligraphy set for kids, he couldn't wait to take it to school to show it to Kojiro. Kaoru saw red when all the other kids rounded on their table, wanting to see too, leaving no space for the green haired boy. 

That wouldn't do. He gave them mean looks, threw ink on their faces, put his brushes away, and dashed to follow Kojiro. 

“... Jiro! Where are you going?” Kaoru grabbed his tiny hand as the boy walked to the toy kitchen. 

“Oh? I thought you'd want to be with your new friends.”

“They're not my friends” Only you are. “Let's go, you didn't see the set.” Kaoru dragged him back, uncaring if he wanted to or not. He wanted to, of course he always wanted to be with him. He didn't fight that delightful tooth gaped smile. 

When Kaoru carefully wrote a character for Kojiro, Kojiro's smile rivaled the sun. A frown settled over it and one of their million spats started when Kaoru explained that it was: 

  小猿 (kozaru) 

“baby monkey” 

Unbeknownst to him, Kaoru made another one that day, one that took him two decades to be ready to share: 

陽 (hi) 

“Sun”

On Kojiro’s 27th birthday, Kaoru finally gives it to him. Not on their dinner with their families, or the one with Kojiro’s staff, or the surprise party that the kids bullied Kaoru into arranging where they basked Kojiro with gifts like customized skateboards and hawaiian styled shirts with cats, but the one that was just for them. 

Because it’s with him, the oversized sunshine of a man, that Kaoru felt safe enough to let his soul bare.