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I remember the grief and despair I felt when I lost my kingdom and my subjects.
I was angry and upset.
She had been the one to take all my treasures away, and I convinced myself that I would never forgive her. Because everything we went through didn't matter anymore. It was not my fault that she destroyed everything I loved.
But what I decided to do with that pain is.
After she came back, Pure Vanilla Cookie approached all of us. He explained it all. Dark Cacao Cookie was rather indifferent but he and Hollyberry Cookie agreed that we should at least hear her out. I refused. I needed time before facing her, I didn’t want the anger to consume me. They were understanding, which I am thankful for, and allowed me to have some time for myself. To think I can only guess.
I relived everything White Lily Cookie and I had been through, the good moments only, because everything else was just too painful to remember.
I remembered how I used to brush her hair at night or how she found it joyful to make me flower bracelets. It used to sadden me whenever they wilted, but she’d always make a new one right again. Memories like that sometimes hurt more than everything else. But I knew deep down that I really wanted to see her again, after I thought I had lost her too.
My heart couldn’t help but give the smallest flutter whenever she crossed my mind and it’s because as greedy as I was I never wanted to cage her, in the end the feelings I held for her were mine to keep. I guess anger and pain and grief are stronger than love. Because love was not enough to stop me.
Pure Vanilla Cookie came to me once more. He begged me, claiming that White Lily Cookie wanted to talk to me the most. I didn't even look at him and I refused again.
I should’ve listened.
One day, White Lily Cookie came to me. She came alone. Only her and her staff.
…
I got angry at her. I yelled at her. I was mad because after everything she had done she came here demanding that I hear her out when she didn’t even respect me needing more time to process everything.
She was calm, gentle. But I didn’t see that.
She had only come to talk.
I threatened her to leave, she shook her head and even took a step forward.
All I remember is how my hands clutched to my spear and how my arm moved towards her. She barely moved. Maybe she didn’t see it coming, or maybe she did and decided to accept her fate. My spear pierced right through her. She looked so peaceful, as if she had been expecting the blow.
I only realized what I had done the moment I pulled my spear back and White Lily Cookie stopped me. She grabbed mine hands in hers. She was still warm and… and the way she held me. I felt something breaking inside me.
And only then I realized that what I felt towards her was not hatred, but grief.
I had never hated White Lily Cookie, I never could’ve hated her.
But I had grieved her. Us. Everything we went through together. Every breath I used to hold whenever I saw her, everything we were before the war. And everything we could’ve been.
It doesn’t matter anymore because I took her life.
I took away the same smile I had yearn for. The warmth I kept dreaming of. My most precious treasure.
I would never be able to erase the guilt out of my heart or mind.
Neither the smile she gave me as I held her one last time.