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“Here's to us, one more toast, and then we'll pay the bill,” your ex-boyfriend had said, raising his glass and the corners of his mouth to settle your break-up. You ended up doing exactly that before he left, splitting costs like two acquaintances.
You don't feel ready to go home just yet so instead, you're mindlessly stirring the biodegradable straw in your fancy drink sitting on the table in front of you a little longer. It’s on the wrong side of watered down by now but you don’t care, the events of the evening making you weirdly ecstatic and relaxed even without any alcohol in your veins. You sigh as you sit in your surprisingly comfy chair in this bar you hadn’t known about before. It’s not an unhappy sigh, but one of satisfaction.
It’s a strange feeling that settles in your chest the longer you think about what has happened tonight, a foreign combination of calm and excitement. You both had felt the end nearing for a while now, you most likely for longer than him, and it’s what people would call an amicable end of a not-too-meaningful relationship. Thanks for all your generous love, and thanks for all the fun, your ex had said with a smile. You had felt your eyes widen in disbelief: you’ve had fun, yes, but generous love? Deep inside, you’ve both felt the autumn chill, you’re sure about that - much like when the summer's over and the dark clouds hide the sun what you’d thought was love had too soon started to shine less brightly, less intensely and less convincing.
You’re 24, you don’t have to settle for a love that contents you. In your life, you’ve walked some strange and lonely treks so you know you’re capable of doing fine by yourself. You don’t need a man by your side just because; you’re still striving for the sky.
“Birds of passage, you and me,” you’ve told your past lover, knowing he wouldn’t recognise the quote. “We fly instinctively. So neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done.”
You had still smiled when he’d rolled his eyes at you. “Always so cryptic,” he’d murmured. “Can’t you just be for real for once and say what you mean?”
You’d just shrugged, your smile turning private, now only meant for yourself. Maybe that’s what it had been for a long time: you didn’t share your happiness with the man in front of you anymore, didn’t feel comfortable to show your true self. You’d still tried to explain - force of habit.
“I just mean… Don't you know the feeling of calm when you sense the rightness of a decision? You stop feeling chased, you stop feeling itchy, you stop feeling awkward. Instead there’s quiet, no rush. There’s no hurry anymore. That’s how I feel right now, I don’t know how else to describe it.”
His left eyebrow had wandered high before he’d slowly nodded and you’d felt judged, uncomfortable, again. You’re just so different and now even the smallest communication reveals it.
You sigh to yourself at the memory of earlier tonight. He didn’t get you. Breaking up was the right thing to do, it’s clear as day and it’s pure relief flooding your whole body.
You feel like you’re standing calmly at the crossroads, with no desire to run anymore. Instead you want to take your time and look at the options in front of you, clear-headed and open-eyed. You’re still young, for fuck’s sake, you want nothing left untried and your heart is open to all the possibilities - and you’re not too old for sex, you chuckle to yourself as you cite another quote in your head you know your ex wouldn’t have understood.
You know you’re riding an emotional high currently, fueled by the realisation that you’re no longer down and lying on the floor. Instead you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more. You’re free, finally, again.
You lean back and feel the velvet gently scratching the skin on your back where your cropped top has ridden up. You cross your arms in front of your chest and let your gaze flicker over the patrons enjoying their night around you. The music isn’t loud but you still can’t really catch any snippets of conversations; instead it all mingles together in one comforting wave of sound playing gently with your eardrums. You see couples and friends and everything in between, faces that look happy and content in the dim light. You smile to yourself when you see an older couple lean over the table for a brief kiss that speaks of years of love, their fingers intertwined. You see only half of their faces but the way they look at each other leaves no doubt. You want that, you always have. Yet, you’ve always settled for less, always been hoping it would evolve into something more with time.
It never did. But you don’t feel any despair for once. You’re certain, you know it will happen, you feel it in your bones.
And as if manifested, a shiver runs down your spine and the skin on your neck starts to prickle. It’s not unpleasant, you feel giddy all of a sudden. You lift your gaze the moment a new patron entering the bar shifts his own. Your eyes lock and something in you snaps and clinks and rearranges. You’ve never seen him before but you know him; you suddenly see a whole future playing out in front of you. You smile, your happy one, and watch it mirror on the stranger’s handsome face. There’s dazed awe written all over it, surprise mingling with undisguised fascination. It’s overwhelming, this instant connection, probably more for him than you as he briefly breaks contact and closes his eyes. His smile’s not fading, it’s softening, playing gently and unevenly with the edges of his mouth. He’s beautiful, from fluffy hair to ruddy cheeks and soft lips, from a build that rivals any greek sculpture you ever came across to a height you just know is perfect for the hugs you crave so much.
Seconds stretch to hours in your mind, you’re losing all sense of time as you just keep on watching him. He straightens his shoulders, his jumper stretching in all the right places. When he opens his eyes again, he looks around the room, wondering, questioning, searching for something you know he won’t find anywhere else but with you. You wait until his gaze finds home in you again and he looks like he knows now too, like he’s found his answer.
You’ve heard of love at first sight, of course you have, but you’ve never dared to hope to find that for yourself. It’s happening now though and you’ve never been more certain as fluid emotions travel between you and him, molten to warmth. You try to catch them but they’re whirling and hazy so you settle your focus back on this man still standing near the entrance. He’s shifting his weight to lean against a column, preparing to stay, his eyes never leaving yours. It’s ridiculous and exhilarating and you briefly wonder if you’re losing your mind. You shake your head and stand up, slowly but surely, taking a step closer to the man looking at you with equal wonder.
Are you about to make a fool of yourself?
No, for once you have no taste for humble pie; you feel slightly worn, but dignified and you have nothing to lose, only something precious to win.
He takes a step closer to you too.
Soon, there’s not much distance that’s separating you from him anymore and what's left of personal space melts with your still connected eyes. His gaze is open, his amber eyes are sparkling with sensations you feel reverberating in your chest. He lifts his arms, reaching out to you as if on instinct. He’s surprising himself, if his widened eyes briefly snapping to his hands in motion are anything to go by. He might be surprising himself but not you; it’s a pull you feel, a magnetic call that’s harder to resist the nearer you get and soon you have to slightly tilt your head to not break your stare.
“Hi,” you breathe and it’s dancing with the man’s own exhaled one. Both your smiles grow. You feel his warmth, you can smell his cologne and hear your heart.
“I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” he says with a soft incredulous chuckle and his voice creates a bubble for the two of you. It lets you feel the rightness of everything all over again. “I was on my way home but I just knew I had to stop here and come inside and I -”
His words die on his lips when you cradle his hand in yours and nod. You know what he means, he doesn’t need to explain. You feel like you’re in the cheesiest rom-com and the most wonderful reality at once. Kismet kisses serendipity and it’s only for the two of you.
“I’m Charlie,” you whisper, too stunned, too quietly, hoping he catches it anyway.
“Charlie,” he echoes and it rolls off his tongue gentle and tender. It’s how your name is supposed to sound, a knowledge new to your mind but no less certain.
“I’m Nick,” he says and your smile is bright. Nick and Charlie. You like the sound of that even better.
“I know why you’re here,” you answer.
“Birds of passage,” Nick murmurs and you nod. Your heart sings and you have to bite your lip to keep your smile from turning too dreamy.
“We fly instinctively,” you say, your voice sounding as euphoric as you feel. You don’t want to hide.
His eyes widen in recognition, his smile so bright it rivals the sun.
He gets you.
“Are you ready to leave?” he asks, his brows disappearing underneath his copper swoop of hair as if in shock at his own words. Your smile widens and you nod your head yes without hesitation. What you experience is magical and ordinary at the same time; you’re both flying high with your feet standing soundly on the ground, taking root in fertile soil.
You feel like you’re standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run, his hand in yours. There's no hurry anymore, you’ve found where you belong.
🍂🍂