Work Text:
🍂🍂🍂🍂
September 12
<~unknown>
hi! 11:45pm
so 11:46pm
i need to ask yuo a quieston 11:46pm
Wrong number 11:50pm
<~unknown>
no 11:50pm
i got the right number 11:51pm
i checked 11:51pm
?? 11:55pm
Who are you? 11:55pm
<~unknown>
tell u later 11:57pm
so can i? 11:57pm
ask u a question i mean 11:58pm
September 13
Wtf 00:01am
No? 00:01am
<~unknown>
u unsure? 00:02am
can i take that as a yes then? 00:02am
Where did you get my number? 00:03am
<~unknown>
it’s public konwlege ig 00:03am
Wtf are you talking about? 00:05am
Are you taking the piss? 00:06am
<~unknown>
well yes, quite literally 00:06am
or, i did 00:07am
before i messaged u 00:07am
What? 00:08am
<~unknown>
u asked! 00:08am
Christ, no I did not ask you *that* 00:09am
You drunk? 00:09am
<~unknown>
yes 00:09am
so, whatabout my question? 00:10am
Fine, shoot 00:10am
<~unknown>
shoot 00:10am
funny that u chose that word 00:10am
??? 00:11am
<~unknown>
nvm 00:11am
Just ask already 00:11am
And please delete my number afterwards 00:11am
<~unknown>
depends 00:12am
On what? 00:12am
<~unknown>
is your dick really huge? 00:12am
u got me wondering 00:12am
i like huge dicks, but not too huge 00:13am
but also not too not huge 00:13am
🍆 00:13am
the drawing here is kinda crude 00:14am
and now i’m curious how close to reality it is 00:14am
What the actual fuck 00:14am
What are you talking about??? 00:15am
WHERE DID YOU GET MY NUMBER 00:15am
<~unknown>
this bar i forgot the name of 00:15am
some newish queer thing 00:16am
i’m looking at your dick right now 00:16am
u don’t remember drawing this and leaving your number? 00:17am
wait, are *you* drkunk? 00:17am
That doesn’t even make sense 00:17am
I’m not drunk and I have no idea what you’re talking about 00:18am
I would never leave my number in a bathroom stall 00:18am
Nor would I draw my dick 00:18am
<~unknown>
why not? 00:18am
not worh mentioning? 00:19am
🥺 00:19am
s not huge then? 00:19am
I’m not answering this 00:19am
<~unknown>
do u even have a dick? 00:20am
WTF 00:20am
<~unknown>
do u? 00:20am
Will you shut up if I tell you? 00:20am
<~unknown>
honestly problaly not 00:21am
JFC 00:21am
At least you’re honest ig 00:21am
Can’t believe I’m about to answer your question 00:21am
But yes, I do have a dick 00:22am
Why are you so obsessed with it? 00:22am
<~unknown>
i’m gay 00:22am
And? 00:22am
<~unknown>
? 00:22am
I’m bi and you don’t see me asking random strangers about their dick size 00:23am
<~unknown>
why would u, there’s no adservstiment about my dick anywhere 00:23am
at least that i know of 00:23am
i got a nice dick 00:22am
i guess 00:24am
never heard any complaints 00:24am
so 00:24am
hbu? 00:24am
Stop worrying about my dick 00:24am
Shouldn’t you go home and sleep it off? 00:25am
It’s late 00:25am
<~unknown>
isn’t it sorta prime time for dick tho? 00:25am
also, ur the one who keeps replying 00:25am
… 00:25am
Well 00:25am
It's kinda entertaining, ngl 00:25am
But 00:26am
Why don’t you go find yourself some dick if you’re so hung up on it? 00:26am
<~unknown>
*hung* up on it 00:26am
😉 00:26am
ur funny 00:26am
also 00:26am
here is me trying to find some dick 00:26am
your dick 00:26am
in case u haven’t noticed 00:27am
I meant real dick 00:27am
You don’t even know where I’m from 00:27am
<~unknown>
i’m in leeds rn and your number is in this bar in leeds so i guess ur from seeds 00:28am
Not answering that 00:28am
<~unknown>
ha, no need to now 00:28am
🥳 00:28am
Still won’t meet you 00:28am
Can’t believe I have to tell you this 00:28am
<~unknown>
why not? 00:28am
like i said, i have a nice dick 00:29am
You could have the nicest dick in the whole wide world and it’s still not happening 00:29am
For all i know you could be underage or really, really old 00:30am
Not down for either 00:30am
<~unknown>
u don’t have to worry about that 00:30am
i’m 20 00:30am
so, not underage and not old 00:31am
also, ur down for *something* then? 👀 00:31am
Jesus Christ 00:31am
Again, please be serious for a moment, where did you get my number from? 00:32am
Darcy??? 00:32am
<~unknown>
i dont know any darcy 00:32am
well apart from p&p but jane didn’t mention your number in her book 00:32am
or the movie 00:33am
LMAO 00:33am
I don’t even know what to say to that 00:33am
Nerd 00:34am
<~unknown>
yup thats me 00:34am
So? My number? 00:35am
<~unknown>
like i said 00:35am
dick on bathroom wall 00:35am
want a pic? 00:35am
Of the wall? 00:36am
Yes 00:36am
Of your dick? 00:36am
No 00:36am
<~unknown>
awww 00:36am
u dont know what ur missing 00:36am00:37am
<attachment: dick pic on a bathroom wall with start of number>
WTF 00:37am
WHAT THE FUCK HARRY 00:37am
<~unknown>
my name’s not harry 00:38am
i’m charlie 00:38am
I didn’t mean you 00:38am
I recognise that scrawl 00:38am
I meant a friend of mine 00:39am
Or, better said 00:39am
Arsehole 00:39am
<~unknown>
u call your arsehole harry? kinky 00:40am
What? 00:41am
No 00:41am
Bloody hell, how drunk are you??? 00:41am
<~unknown>
eh 00:42am
a bit 00:42am
Don’t even know why I’m explaining you this but Harry is a team mate 00:42am
And an arsehole 00:42am
Has a weird obsession with me being bi 00:43am
Guess he thought it’d be funny to put my number in a queer bar 00:43am
<~unknown>
i’m sorry to hear that 00:44am
u have shitty mates 00:44am
am i the first to message u? 00:44am
Yup 00:44am
Means it’s either new or not everyone is as drunk/desperate as you are 00:45am
dickaddict
fair 00:45am
though i was just curious 00:45am
maybe a bit horny 00:46am
but mostly curious 00:46am
Sure 00:46am
I saved you as dickaddict in my phone btw 00:46am
dickaddict
😎 00:47am
i saved u as huge dick(?) 00:47am
u see the ? 00:47am
thats because i still dont know BTW 00:47am
What do you even mean by huge? 00:48am
dickaddict
have u seen the pic? 00:48am
the dick-balls ratio? 00:48am
Wtf NO, not that huge then 00:49am
Thank god 00:49am
Can’t imagine this being comfortable, for any party 00:49am
Now how on earth did I end up telling you about my dick ffs 00:49am
dickaddict
must be my charm 00:50am
i’ve got my ways when it comes to dick 00:50am
Apparently so 00:50am
dickaddict
speaking of dick 00:50am
all i read is huge but not freaky 00:51am
which is nice to know 00:51am
great even 🍆💦 00:51am
👀 00:51am
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ 00:51am
dickaddict
🤷♂️ 00:51am
also, guess ur right 00:52am
not easy to carry around 00:52am
nor to swallow or to take it 00:52am
no idea how it must be for women tho 00:53am
and i don’t even want to know 00:53am
WTF 00:53am
I gotta ask 00:53am
Is this the alcohol speaking or do you just not have any filter? 00:54am
dickaddict
alcohol 00:54am
i don’t usually message strangers 00:54am
like, never 00:54am
i swear! 00:55am
You only do when it’s about huge dicks 00:55am
dickaddict
well 00:55am
you and your dick are special to me, thought we etasblished that by now 00:55am
might as well own it 00:56am
but, tbf, i never came across a drawing AND a number before, so 00:56am
oh 00:56am
do u want me to coverup your number? 00:56am
Oh! Yes please! 00:56am
Thank you, that’s very kind 00:57am
dickaddict
brb, gonna get a sharpie at the bar 00:57am
You know… you take me with you, I’m in your phone 00:57am
dickaddict
i’m back! 1:05am
oh. right 1:05am
sorry 1:05am
did someone else message you? 1:05am
No Charlie, you're the only one 1:06am
dickaddict
oh yay 😍🥳 1:06am
🤭 1:06am
Seriously though, thank you, saves me the trip to that bar to do it myself 1:06am
dickaddict
WAIT 1:07am
u wouldve done that? we couldve met! 1:07am
Not tonight silly 1:07am
I’m already in my bed 1:07am
You should be too 1:07am
dickaddict
oh 👀 1:08am
I meant YOUR bed 1:08am
dickaddict
so u don’t want to meet me? 1:08am
😭 1:08am
🙄 1:08am
Charlie 1:08am
You know nothing about me and want to meet me? At 1am, drunk, at a bar you don’t know the name of in a city you (probably) don’t even live in? 1:09am
dickaddict
oh. i kinda see your point 1:09am
tao would kill me, stranger danger and all that 1:09am
Lol 1:09am
Tao sounds wise 1:09am
dickaddict
don’t tell him that! his head doesn’t need to get any bigger 1:10am
Okay, promise, I won’t tell him 1:10am
dickaddict
thanks 1:10am
…because I don’t know him 1:10am
dickaddict
true 1:10am
sorry 1:10am
You say sorry a lot 1:11am
dickaddict
yeah sorry 1:11am
🤦♂️😬 1:11am
personlalili trait 1:11am
not even alcohol keeps me from saying it 1:12am
done 1:12am1:13am
<attachment: dick pic on a bathroom wall with crossed out start of number and added don’t>
Thank you! 1:13am
Especially for the don’t 1:13am
Appreciate it 1:13am
dickaddict
ur welcome 1:14am
wait, are u even single? 1:14am
What? Why? 1:14am
dickaddict
was about to say ur *my* huge dick 1:14am
i don’t wanna share 1:15am
but i’m no homewrecker 1:15am
Wtf 1:15am
I’m really sad we don’t know each other in real life 1:15am
There’s so much to tease you about holy shit 1:16am
dickaddict
it’s not my fault, i keep on saying we should meet! 1:16am
🙄 1:16am
dickaddict
what? s true! 1:16am
Tao 1:16am
dickaddict
right 1:16am
he would love that 1:17am
my personal cock blocker 1:17am
so, are u? 1:17am
single i mean 1:17am
Don’t know why it matters but yes, I’m single 1:18am
It's another reason why Harry probably thought it was funny 1:18am
dickaddict
single and bi, not underage and not old with an almsotbutnotqutiehugedick 1:18am
dream guy 1:18am
(just kidding) 1:19am
i think 1:19am
Charlie, you’re so drunk 1:19am
Or at least I really hope you are 1:19am
dickaddict
i am. happy hour made us very happy 1:20am
btw 1:20am
it’s not fair, u know my name and i don’t know yours 1:20am
Why do you want to know my name? 1:20am
dickaddict
to make it even? 1:21am
duh 1:21am
and to get a name to your dick 1:21am
Jeez 1:22am
It’s Nick 1:22am
dickaddict
hi nick! 1:22am
still keeping u saved as huge dick(!) tho, more fun 1:22am
paints an immediate image 1:22am
Bloody hell 1:22am
Anyway, I should go, have to get up early 1:23am
dickaddict
😢 1:23am
but it’s saturday tomorrow? 1:23am
today 1:23am
whatever, u know what i mean 1:23am
do you have to work? 1:23am
No, I play rugby and have a game 1:24am
dickaddict
oh 1:24am
profsesionally? 1:24am
Sorry to disappoint, I’m a poor student 1:24am
dickaddict
not disappointed, i know the struggle 1:24am
reremembrer the happy hour? came with very cheap drinks here 1:25am
couldn’t afford to get drunk otherswise 1:25am
also 1:25am
i’m collecting information like marbles here 1:25am
the image i have of you gets better by the minute 1:26am
rugby player! 👀 1:26am
i don’t know much about it but it’s about nice arms and nice thighs and short shorts 1:26am
Don’t know about nice but yeah I guess 1:26am
Don’t get your hopes up tho, I’m rather boring 1:27am
dickaddict
nope, absolutely not 1:27am
i know i’m right 1:27am
it’s a gut feeling 1:28am
and my guts not drunk 1:28am
Your gut’s probably the drunkest rn 1:28am
Anyway, excuse me for asking, but do you have friends who can help get you home safely? 1:28am
dickaddict
tao and elle should still be round here somewhere 1:29am
probably making out 1:29am
they haven’t noticed yet that i’m still not back from the loo 1:29am
You’re still in there? 1:30am
dickaddict
i’m attached to your pic so yes 1:30am
😂🤦♂️ 1:30am
Idiot 1:30am
It’s NOT my dick 1:31am
It’s STILL not that huge 1:31am
Harry should know 1:31am
From the changing rooms I mean! 1:32am
He just wants to mess with me 1:32am
He’s such a bellend 1:32am
dickaddict
fitting terminology 1:33am
Terminology? I thought you’re drunk 1:33am
dickaddict
i am. still know my words 1:33am
Sure. Well, most of them 1:33am
😜 1:33am
dickaddict
🖕 1:33am
soooo 1:33am
harry saw your dick and decided to draw it the way he drew it 1:33am
i guess there’s some kind of truth to its size 1:34am
RIGHT? 1:34am
Will you ever stop asking? 1:34am
Will you ever stop wondering? 1:34am
Can you hear my agony? 1:35am
😫 1:35am
dickaddict
no 1:35am
HARRY SAW YOUR REAL DICK AND I HAVENT 1:35am
Christ on a bike, you’re ridiculous 1:36am
Time to get you out of there 1:36am
I don’t know you so I don’t know just how drunk you are but please don’t do anything else stupid tonight 1:36am
Promise me you’ll go find your friends now? 1:36am
Charlie
awwww nick, my knight in shining amour 1:37am
with a huge dick 1:37am
teenage charlies dream guy 1:37am
well 1:37am
adult charlies too 1:37am
Will you ever shut up about dicks? 1:37am
Charlie
nope 1:38am
N.O.P.E. 1:38am
🙂↔️ 1:38am
it’s in my dna 1:38am
i’m gay 1:38am
So you’ve said 1:39am
Message me when you’re with Tao? 1:40am
Charlie
awwww, u worry bout me nick? 🥹 1:40am
No 1:40am
Maybe a bit 1:41am
Charlie
🫠 1:41am
fine, i’ll message you 1:41am
give me a minute 1:41am
i’m with them now, they say hi 1:45am
elle wants to know about your huge dick too 1:45am
tao would rather not 1:45am
i tell him anyway, serves him right after cockblocking me 1:46am
Oh my god Charlie 1:47am
Go home and sleep 1:47am
Don’t forget to drink water! 1:48am
Charlie
will do 1:48am
probably 1:48am
okay, i let u go 1:52am
sleep well nick with a huge dick 1:52am
AH!!! 1:52am
HAVE YOU READ THAT 1:53am
IT RHYMES 1:53am
so it has to be true 1:54am
✨manifesting✨ 1:55am
For fuck’s sake Charlie 1:58am
GO HOME! 1:58am
And sleep well too 1:59am
Charlie
nick, this is charlie 10:01am
from last night 10:01am
the one with the dick 10:01am
oh god, sorry 10:01am
that’s not what i wanted to say! 10:02am
i know you know i have a dick but that’s really not the point rn 10:02am
i thought i sobered up again but now i’m not so sure 10:02am
i was a dick 10:03am
about your dick 10:03am
and i’m sorry 10:03am
you’ve probably deleted my number and our chat 10:03am
rightfully so! 10:03am
but since you haven’t blocked me, i wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how SORRY i am 10:04am
no drinks for me for the foreseeable future!!! 10:04am
i read our whole chat back and IM SO SORRY 10:04am
you were so kind and i didn’t shut up about your dick! 10:04am
and my dick 10:04am
god, i’m so embarrassed! 10:05am
i swear that’s not who i usually am 10:05am
i do like dick, obviously, but i was way out of line last night 10:05am
i don’t even know why i said what i said for most of our conversation, i’m not that obsessed i swear!! 10:06am
i’d love to buy you a drink as an apology 10:06am
well, I get you a drink while i sip on a glass of water 10:06am
but i get it if that’s not something you’d want 10:06am
i’m here until tomorrow night (visiting my friend tao, you might remember) and then i have to go back to manchester 10:07am
so if you’re free and up for an apology in person please let me know 10:07am
i’m not dangerous, i promise! 10:07am
you play rugby which makes you stronger than me by a mile already 10:07am
i might be tall but i’m lean and lack your kind of muscles 10:08am
i just want to say sorry 10:08am
you really were so kind 10:08am
you even worried about me getting home safely ffs!! 10:08am
you cared 10:08am
and you made me laugh 10:09am
i’d kinda like to see who you are in real life 10:09am
not as a date of course! 10:09am
i mean, it doesn’t have to be one if you don’t want it to be 10:15am
but i just had to ask, so 10:15am
it could be a date, like a blind date 10:15am
if you want 10:16am
ffs, i’ll shut up now 10:19am
see 10:19am
that’s who i usually am 10:19am
not dick obsessed 10:20am
well obviously not chill either 10:20am
oh fuck, that’s 50 new messages for you! 10:22am
god i’m so sorry, i’ll stop rambling now and get some more sleep. maybe i'm still a bit drunk 10:22am
you’re probably at your game now so i guess you won’t see my messages anytime soon 10:23am
SO SORRY! 10:23am
go smash the other team! 🏉💪 or whatever it is you say for a game 10:23am
Charlie! 1:15pm
Charlie
nick!!!! 1:15pm
Oh wow, that was quick! 1:15pm
Did you wait by your phone? 1:15pm
Charlie
i... maybe? 1:15pm
oh my god, i’m so sorry AGAIN!!! 1:16pm
for my nervous rambling 1:16pm
and well 1:16pm
EVERYTHING 1:16pm
Charlie, please, don’t be sorry 1:17pm
It’s fine! 1:17pm
Thank you for your messages, it was kinda nice reading you’re not actually that obsessed with dicks 😉 1:18pm
ngl, I was a bit worried at times 1:18pm
Charlie
😬 1:19pm
i know it was bad 1:19pm
Which part? 1:20pm
When you couldn't stop mentioning that you like huge dicks? 1:20pm
Or the part where you kept wanting to know my size? 1:21pm
Charlie
kill me now 1:21pm
💀 1:22pm
I’m sorry 😂😂 1:22pm
Charlie
you’re clearly not 1:22pm
but it's okay, it’s what i deserve 😬 1:23pm
i put you through A LOT! 1:23pm
🫣 1:23pm
Once I got over my initial shock it was actually pretty funny 1:24pm
Charlie
lol 1:24pm
i’m glad you think so 1:24pm
I really do! 1:25pm
Charlie
I’m relieved that you didn’t freak out on me 1:25pm
you were so kind despite my nonsense 1:25pm
and also… 1:26pm
you didn’t take advantage of me 1:26pm
i really appreciate it 1:26pm
Oh my god, I would never! 1:27pm
Charlie
i can see that 1:27pm
so i’m even happier that you didn’t block me 1:27pm
because this way i can tell you how sorry i am 1:28pm
No, why would I 1:28pm
I mean it Charlie, it’s fine! 1:28pm
You’re gay and you like huge dick 1:29pm
There’s nothing wrong with that 1:29pm
😜 1:29pm
Charlie
i’m never going to live that down, right? 1:30pm
Nope 1:30pm
To quote drunk Charlie 1:30pm
N.O.P.E. 1:31pm
Charlie
fair, lmao 1:31pm
so 1:31pm
did you tell harry off? 1:31pm
HA! 1:32pm
Course I did 1:32pm
I threatened to draw very small dicks, a very bad review and his number all over town if he ever even *thinks* about writing my number in public again 1:33pm
Charlie
😂 1:33pm
nice 1:33pm
Thanks again for covering it up! 1:33pm
Charlie
of course! 1:33pm
it was the least i could do 1:34pm
i’m glad i had one sober braincell left to think of that 1:34pm
even though i might be the only one who’d ever have messaged you 1:36pm
Maybe 1:36pm
Probably 1:36pm
Charlie
i can feel your urge to tease me right through the phone, nick 1:36pm
🤷♂️😂 1:36pm
I won’t tho 1:37pm
Because I’m really glad I won’t have to find out thanks to you 1:37pm
Charlie
🫡 1:37pm
Your many messages were a nice distraction after the game btw And to make it absolutely clear: 1:40pm
I accept your apology, no harm done! 1:40pm
I hope you’re feeling better? 1:44pm
Charlie
by far, some more sleeping helped a lot 1:45pm
humiliated enough to last for my next few lives 1:46pm
but what else is new 1:46pm
There's really no need to be! 1:46pm
I’ve read our chat back on my way to the game earlier this morning and it made me laugh again, so thank you 😊 1:47pm
Talking to you was weird and ridiculous but also very entertaining 1:48pm
You’ve made me curious about who you are in real life too and I really like your humour 1:49pm
So yes, I’d like to meet you, just tell me when and where 1:52pm
I’m up for a drink or coffee or tea or juice, I don’t mind whatever we choose 1:52pm
Charlie
bahaaa 1:56pm
you’re better at bad rhymes than me 1:56pm
WELL 1:56pm
Charlie
shut up i know the bar is low 1:57pm
no dick jokes, i promise 1:57pm
Oh no, I’m gonna miss your Nick-dick jokes so much! 1:58pm
Charlie
😬 1:58pm
don't remind me, that one had me giggling for minutes 1:59pm
i was so proud of myself for figuring it out! 1:59pm
according to elle i even kept singing it in the uber home 1:59pm
💀 1:59pm
🤣🤣 2:01pm
Drunken Charlie is truly one for the books 2:01pm
Charlie
that was a one-time-show, you won’t witness him anytime soon 2:01pm
Awww bummer 2:02pm
But that’s okay, sober Charlie’s charming too! 2:06pm
Charlie
oh 2:09pm
🤭 ffs 2:09pm
so, what would you say to meeting me at this new café near the brotherton library in an hour? elle said it’s cute. i’m not quite sure what that means but she’s super cool so i guess it’s gonna be alright 2:11pm
Sounds great, looking forward to meeting you! 2:11pm
Though we can’t ever tell Harry about how we met or he would never shut up about how his stupid drawing got me a blind date 2:13pm
Charlie
so… it’s a date? 2:20pm
💛 2:20pm
Yes, it’s a date, Charlie 2:23pm
💙 2:23pm
🍂🍂🍂🍂