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Robert had always preferred to fuck face-to-face. It was one of the things that Aaron had found strange, all those years ago, when they’d first started sleeping together. He’d imagined that Robert would be one of those people who’d prefer to be faced with the broad swell of a man’s back, rather than the reality of their face, but Robert had always surprised him, even back then.
Years with Robert had taught Aaron that actually, it had been a bit of a control thing – like things often tended to be, with Robert. It had been a way for Robert to avoid vulnerability, for Robert to feel like he was in control, that he was leading Aaron where he wanted them both to be. It was one of the things that had taken Robert a while to open up about, after they got back together, those tentative first few months turning into a long, lingering summer, Robert admitting one night that he liked to fuck face-to-face because he was scared, to feel out of control, to not be able to see what was happening.
It had taken them a while, to work up to it, for Robert to feel comfortable enough to be pressed down onto his elbows, cheek pushed into the soft sheets of their mattress, Aaron’s hand on his back as he bullied his way past Robert’s rim, that initial stretch one that always took Robert’s breath away, regardless of how much time Aaron spent opening him up on his fingers, his tongue (and Aaron liked to tease – liked that he was the one who was able to reduce the great Robert Sugden to a panting mess, his hands fisted in their sheets and his cheeks ruddy and red, bearing the evidence of what Aaron had done to him for hours after the fact).
It had taken them a while, but once they had – it had become one of Aaron’s very favourite positions. The long, lean lines of Robert’s back were something to be admired, the stretch of his pale skin, the smattering of freckles on his left shoulder that Aaron loved to mouth at, as though they were a constellation that could unlock the deepest darkest secrets of Robert Sugden. It wasn’t an everyday, sort of thing, Robert not always in the mood to be vulnerable, but it was something that Aaron cherished, when he was in the mood.
Which was why it felt so strange to feel so uncomfortable, when Robert turned his back, head hanging as he propped himself up on his elbows, back flexing.
They were in the Hyatt in Leeds. It was admittedly a little expensive, the kind of spending John might have noticed, if they had a joint bank account, but Aaron had wanted to make it up to Robert. It, in this instance, could be a half dozen things – an apology for missing their scheduled meet up because John had come home from work early, and Aaron hadn’t been able to get away, a sorry for all of the clandestine meetings in barns, a desire to want to do something nice for Robert, because the Robert he’d been married to had always loved a posh hotel room, and a fancy ensuite, bullying Aaron into sharing a steaming bath and a bottle of fizz on those rare nights away from the village and away from responsibility they managed to wangle.
Aaron sort of understood, now, why Robert had booked them fancy hotels, the first time around – why he’d wanted to treat Aaron to some indulgent comfort, a way to make up for everything they couldn’t have as they met in secret. Aaron understood a lot about the version of Robert he’d had an affair with, now he was on the other side of it, now he was the one with a partner at home and a constant, burning desire to have Robert, despite the gold ring that sat heavy on his left hand.
“Robert,” he began, heart twisting in his chest. Robert had a scar on his shoulder that hadn’t been there before prison, one that sat right underneath that familiar constellation of freckles, silvery and healed, a reminder of just how many years had passed, how much of Robert he’d missed out on in the last six years, of how much he didn’t know about the man he’d once called the great love of his life.
“Just – get on with it,” Robert’s voice was gruffer, than it was sexy, even if sexy was what Robert had been aiming for with his demand. “Aaron – come on. I’m dying here.”
It was the kind of dramatic that Aaron had come to expect of Robert, in the years they’d been together. Robert was sort of impossibly horny, most of the time, and most especially when he was looking to get fucked, nerves mingling with a desperate want, the combination making him snappy and impatient. Aaron had learned how to lean into that, how to tease, how to string it out until Robert was practically begging – but that didn’t seem to be something Robert wanted, that night. He didn’t always – sometimes, he just wanted Aaron to give in, to indulge him, and Aaron was loathe to do anything but indulge Robert, most of the time.
The curtains were half closed, Robert bathed in a mix of the artificial light from city outside, and the soft, ambient lighting of their hotel room, the combination somehow doing wonders for Robert’s pale skin. Aaron wanted him. Aaron had always wanted him, right from that first day at the layby – and maybe the want had ebbed, and flowed, over the years, but it had always lingered, his desire for Robert a constant in the same way as the sun rising, and setting was.
“Okay,” Aaron agreed, his grip on Robert’s hip gentle as he pushed in, letting the way Robert’s breath hitched, and stopped, and began again, guide his pace.
He knew Robert, and he knew Robert’s body, and he knew there was something wrong, even as Robert moved, pushing back against Aaron, trying to force him to start, the tense expanse of his broad shoulders giving away the fact that Robert wasn’t craving the hard, unrelenting fuck he’d asked Aaron for as soon as they’d closed the door of their hotel room.
“Robert,” Aaron’s fingers were gentle, as they traced the ridges of Robert’s spine, thumb pressing into the meat of Robert’s shoulder. “Robert – are you okay?”
Robert’s voice was thick with tears, as he replied. “’M fine,” he huffed out a breath. “Get on with it.”
“No,” Aaron shook his head. “No – Robert, we don’t do that. Okay? Not anymore,” he pulled back, the way Robert’s shoulders dropped the only giveaway of the familiar wince Aaron usually got in response to pulling out unexpectedly.
Moving to sit alongside of him, Aaron pressed a hand against Robert’s side, hoping to encourage his ex-husband to look at him. “Robert, please – talk to me.”
Robert lifted his head, and Aaron’s stomach twisted as he took in the look on Robert’s face – his red eyes, and tearstained cheeks, the way he looked so exhausted, tiredness etched into every line of his face.
“Robert – did I hurt you?”
Robert shook his head. “No, no – it’s fine,” he rolled onto his back, hands wiping roughly at his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
The words sounded like a placation, a way for Robert to avoid having to admit what was really wrong to Aaron. Aaron knew Robert well enough to know that. “Robert,” he pleaded. “Come on. Talk to me.”
Robert was quiet, for a second, before he spoke again. “I thought it would be easier, to not see you,” he admitted, chewing on the corner of his lip, a habit he’d picked up from Aaron years ago, and clearly never lost. Aaron didn’t want to think too much about what that meant. “But it’s not – it’s harder . It’s different, now. I don’t get to have you all the time, and when I do, I just want to lie here in this bed, and pretend like the world out there,” he gestured vaguely. “Is the same as what we get to have in here.”
Aaron’s heart ached. He wanted so desperately to be able to fix this, to be able to give Robert what he wanted, what he needed – but he wasn’t sure if he could. Was this how Robert had felt, all those years ago, when Aaron had been begging him for more, had been begging Robert to chose him?
“I thought if I wasn’t looking at you – I could pretend like it didn’t mean anything, but it’s always meant something with you,” Robert sighed, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes. He looked devasted. Aaron wanted to fix it, he really did.
Reaching out, Aaron pulled Robert’s hands away from his face, gently wiping away Robert’s remaining tears. “It’s okay, for it to mean something,” he tried, pressing a soft kiss to the red heat of Robert’s embarrassed cheeks, first left, and then right, hoping the silly gesture would rouse a smile from an upset Robert.
“Is it? You’re married, Aaron – and not to me, not anymore.”
“Can we – can we not talk about that?” Aaron tried, his voice dripping in desperation. He couldn’t fix that – couldn’t change the fact that he’d still married John, that day, even though Robert had offered himself up as the perfect alternative, couldn’t bring himself to walk away from the safety, the stability that John offered. Robert Sugden had always been a whirlwind, bringing chaos and delight into Aaron’s life in equal measure – but he’d always been a risk, too, and Aaron wasn’t half as brave now, as he was when he was twenty-two, ready to risk it all for someone he hadn’t even been sure was worth the risk.
Aaron knew Robert was worth the risk, now – but he also knew what it was like to lose Robert, and Aaron was sure he wouldn’t survive the pain of that again, and that’s how it always seemed to end: with Aaron losing Robert, and trying to survive the nuclear fallout of the end of their relationship, over and over again.
Robert closed his eyes, for a second. “We can’t keep pretending forever, Aaron.”
Aaron wanted them to. He wanted them to lie there, in the non-descript hotel room he’d booked for them on a secret credit card that John didn’t know he had, and he wanted to pretend – wanted to pretend that the last six years hadn’t happened, pretend that Robert hadn’t cut contact, and divorced him, pretend that Aaron had been brave enough to choose Robert, that day on the bridge, instead of marrying John and bringing them back around, full circle, to here, with one of them married to someone else and their relationship confined to hotel rooms, and run-down barns – except with years of history between them now, two weddings, a marriage and a family a heavier weight than had been there the last time around.
“Can’t we pretend for tonight?”
Robert was hard to read, for a second, before his expression softened. “If you want.”
“If you want,” Aaron returned. “We don’t have to do anything. I can just run us a bath – watch some shit telly.” It surprised him how true that felt – that despite how much he wanted Robert, how much he craved the feeling of the other man’s body underneath his own, how the heat that thrummed underneath the surface constantly, now, felt like it was bursting out of his veins, if Robert didn’t fancy having sex, Aaron would happily order them room service and watch some terrible re-run of a crap game show on ITV, as long as he got to spend some time with Robert like this, just the two of them.
Robert’s grin crooked up the side of his mouth, the expression familiar, the kind of wanting expression that Aaron had known would always lead to a great shag. Sex was the one thing they’d always been good at, even in their worst times. “You’re saying you’re willing to watch Tipping Point with me because I freaked out once you got your cock in me?”
“Maybe,” Aaron hummed, nudging his nose against Robert’s. He couldn’t help the twist of concern he still felt. “But don’t fob me off with a joke, Robert. If you don’t want to have sex, if you’re not feeling it – you’ve got to tell me.”
Robert was quiet, for a second. “I don’t think I need to tell you that it’s not easy to be queer, in prison,” he admitted, green eyes searching Aaron’s own. “Sometimes – sometimes I think I haven’t quite gotten myself out of survival mode.”
“You don’t have to be in survival mode with me.”
“I know,” Robert’s reassurance was genuine. “I just forget, sometimes – that I don’t need to be so afraid all the time,” he paused, for a second. “You’ve always kind of overwhelmed me, you know? Sometimes it’s just – intense, is all.”
Aaron understood that – understood how it felt to be overwhelmed by Robert. He’d known, on some level, that it was the same for Robert, but knowing that, and seeing it in person, were two different things.
“I just – I thought it would be less intense, if I didn’t look at you,” Robert continued, his honesty on a roll now. “But I sort of forgot that’s always been the most intense for me.”
Aaron kissed him, quickly, briefly, more out of a desire to thank Robert for his honesty, than it was anything else. “I know,” he reminded, because he did know – he knew all sorts of things about Robert, about what made him tick, but he knew the intimate parts of Robert the best, what he liked, what he didn’t, how he could be overwhelmed, by sex, even if he did crave it. “You’ve never had to do anything with me that you didn’t want to do, Robert. Don’t – don’t try and hide from me, if we’re going to do this. Please.”
Robert nodded, his eyes glassy as he looked at Aaron. He didn’t look as upset, anymore, his expression softened into a much more honest one, the walls he’d been trying to keep up around Aaron since they’d arrived at the hotel dismantled, now – Aaron had gotten good at that, over the years, finding ways to step behind the walls that Robert steadfastly kept up. “I’ve never been able to hide anything from you, have I? Not really.”
Aaron grinned. “Only your weird Tipping Point obsession – you kept that well-hidden, until we got married,” he teased.
“Well – you’re the one who’s offered to watch it with me,” Robert reminded. “You can’t hate it that much if you’re willing to watch it with me now.”
Aaron raised an eyebrow. “I’ll watch anything as long as I can admire your arse while the telly is on.”
Robert giggled, that soft, genuine laugh that only ever escaped his throat in moments like this – when it was just him, and Aaron, the rest of the world waiting for them outside of a locked door. Aaron loved this Robert – loved every Robert, but loved this Robert in particular, the one with messy, unstyled hair, a wry grin on his face, everything Aaron had dreamed of since he was twenty-two years old and got his mouth on Robert for the first time.
Aaron couldn’t help but kiss him, as a reward for being so fucking perfect.
“Maybe later,” Robert hummed, his legs falling open, the perfect space for Aaron to nestle himself between. “But you were in the middle of something, a few minutes ago, and I’d quite like you to finish that first.”
Aaron grinned, enjoying the way Robert easily went, as he adjusted the other man’s position, the way Robert hooked a foot around Aaron’s thigh, bringing him closer. The hotel’s sheets were bright white, not Aaron’s preferred colour – he’d always liked Robert spread out across deep navy, personally – but he couldn’t pretend as though the crisp cotton didn’t bring out the green of Robert’s eyes. Aaron swallowed the hitch of Robert’s breath with a kiss as he sank back into the familiar heat of Robert’s body, Robert’s hands in his hair and his legs around Aaron’s waist, his eyes wide with pleasure as Aaron moved, making Robert’s body sing with delight the one thing Aaron had always known how to do.
Robert had always preferred to fuck, face-to-face – but the thing was, Aaron did too.