Chapter Text
Odysseus was on his makeshift raft sailing to Ithaca before he heard a familiar voice. "There you are, coward."
Poseidon rose from the sea. Odysseus was on a raft staring up like he didn't realize that Poseidon was still on his trail.
Poseidon looked down at him menacingly. "Get in the water."
Odysseus smiled a nervous one as if he could use his silver tongue to talk his way out of it which didn't work before on Poseidon anyways. "Aren't you tired Poseidon? It's been 10 years, how long will this go? We've both been-"
Poseidon immediately held his hand up. "No, no, absolutely no cut the dramatic music. Odysseus seriously get in the damn water do you not smell yourself?"
Odysseus gasped at the indirect insult. He knows he hasn't bathed in a while but he didn't need to be reminded. "Well I would if I got home to Pene-"
Poseidon cut him off. "Nah nah nah nah, shut up shut UP. Get in the damn water!"
Odysseus was offended, he used to be scared now he's just annoyed. "Okay now I refuse to go near the water."
10 minutes later.
Odysseus was full on glaring at the water as if it personally offended him.
Oh wait its god offended him.
Poseidon continued to wash the bird's nest that's supposed to be his hair. "Are- are those potatoes?"
Odysseus only covered his face with his hands as Poseidon continued.
Poseidon was genuinely bewildered. "Why do you have potatoes in your hair?!"
Odysseus groaned out. "Calypso is weird...."
Poseidon only blinked.
Before bursting out laughing.
Poseidon spoke in between wheezes. "I WISH I WAS THERE TO SEE IT! HA- HAAAAAAH! PO-POTATOES????? FUCKING POTATOES?!"
Odysseus wished Poseidon would drown him instead now.
Poseidon grabbed some weird something and it poured out some weird liquid.
Odysseus just stared like Poseidon just took out a chicken in the middle of a council meeting or something (yes a general once did that don't ask). ".... The fuck is that?"
Poseidon shrugged. "Something I saw Apollo use while bathing."
Odysseus barely processed that. "Why were you there while he was bathing?!" He asked absolutely flabbergasted.
Poseidon deadpanned. "I'm a Greek god why wouldn't I watch my nephew bathe?"
".... I hate the fact it makes sense."
Poseidon just continued Washing him with that thing.
Odysseus noted. "It smells like hyacinths."
Poseidon rolled his eyes. "No shit I can smell it to, what else did you expect from Apollo?"
They were quite for a while until Odysseus spoke up again.
Odysseus lost the playful tone and spoke up seriously. "I'm sorry about permanently blinding Polyphemus... You're Washing me though, we good now?"
Poseidon looks down, not annoyed for once. "Oh- yeah I healed him immediately it's fine."
"... What."
Poseidon repeats thinking it's Odysseus' old age or something that made him not hear clearly. "I healed him immediately....?"
Odysseus turned around and grabbed Poseidon by his hair yanking him down. "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU HEALED THAT FUCKER IMMEDIATELY AND STILL KILLED MY CREW, MADE ME SUFFER FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS— BECAUSE OF WHAT?!"
".... I was teaching you to not dox yourself again."
"ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL RIGHT NOW?!"
Poseidon could see Odysseus' eyes now held a red tint in them, Ares' rage.
Poseidon chuckled nervously. "Haaaah, look at that, you don't stink anymore and smell great— off to Ithaca now!"
Poseidon called off the storm, threw Odysseus on the boat and swam away.
Odysseus screeched after him. "GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE NOW YOU SQUID SMELLING GOD!"
Odysseus stared down. "AND GIVE ME BACK MY CLOTHES!"