Work Text:
Max wandered into the JLI headquarters kitchen with an abnormally puzzled look on his face. His confusion visibly deepened at the sight of J’onn methodically, almost robotically, munching on Chocos. Numerous empty bags littering the table before him indicated that the binge has been going on for some time. Well, at least the Martian would hopefully know what the heck had been going on while Max was away at the business conference.
Crossing the kitchen floor, he pulled out a chair and seated himself, waiting for J’onn to acknowledge his presence. The systematic eating continued. Dip in hand, remove cookie, pop into mouth, chew precisely seven times, swallow, repeat. It was almost...hypnotic. Max shook his head abruptly. This was ridiculous.
“J’onn?” he asked.
The Martian Manhunter paused and looked up at him. A glazed look lifted from his eyes. “Max? When did you return?”
“About half an hour ago. It took me some time to examine the damage. What the hell went on when I was away? I thought you said you didn’t have any problems with Mad Doctor Insane.”
“We did not. Unfortunately there was a minor accident while dismantling his Windmill of Death.”
* * * * *
“Ted, should that be glowing?”
“Hmm? Speak up, Booster.”
“Ted, that should not be glowing! Get out of--”
“Oh, fu--“
SCHRAAAP
The rest of the JLI were summoned by twin shrieks of horror. Twin soprano shrieks.
* * * * *
“It turned them into WHAT!?”
* * * * *
“Right, we need to take it back to headquarters, take it apart, determine how to reverse everything, reverse everything, then take a crowbar to it, burn the pieces, and bury them in hallowed ground. All right?”
The rest of the JLI nodded a bit shakily. Ted (or as Bea had mentally christened him, Tedette) was rather scary. Not to mention what effect the heaving, unsupported, rather nicely endowed chest beneath his--her spandex was having on her--his teammates. They all mentally thanked heaven that Guy was gone for the next few days.
As Ted dragged a slightly gibbering Booster back to the Bug, the rest of the JLI began to pack up the lab’s assorted contents with remarkable alacrity. The flight back was silent.
Team Blue and Gold stayed secluded in Beetle’s lab for three days, the only signs of their presence covert raids on the kitchen, occasional swearing in Interlac, and an increasingly traumatized Skeets. Finally, after an appropriate technological miracle, Ted managed to return them to their usual Y-chromosome-having states.
* * * * *
“That doesn’t sound too disturbing. Or explain the rubble.”
“That happened afterwards, when Sue discovered the pornography.”
* * * * *
“Damnit Ted, you know we agreed that no one was going to bring porn to headquarters anymore. It always gets left lying around somewhere for an innocent Cub Scout on a tour to trip over and that isn’t the kind of image the Justice League or the UN wants to project. And this kind of stuff--‘Steamy Lesbian Action’--is exploitive and degrading to women. I’d think that after we confiscated all those tapes from Guy you would at least--“
“Wait a minute, Sue, you just said no commercial pornography. This is, is entirely home-made.” Beetle had a half-defiant, half-did-I-really-say-that? look on his face.
“Where the hell did you find two women to--caralho, you didn’t!” An indecent grin spread across Beatrice’s face.
“They didn’t what? What are you talking about?”
“I knew it wouldn’t have taken you that long to fix yourselves! You were playing with Booster instead of that machine!”
“No! Well, only while we were waiting for it to recharge the batteries. It’s not like we’re gonna get another chance--and it was his fault anyway! He kept walking around asking me to look at his breasts to see if they were uneven!”
Ralph, having just walked into the room, immediately turned around and shot back down the hallway.
“And the two of you just decided to film it for all posterity.” Bea’s grin had become more of a leer.
“It’s a beautiful and private moment. Series of moments. Please give me the tape back. I’m sorry Booster left it lying around. I’ll even apologize to the Scout troop.”
“Er, sure. I guess you can’t really objectify yourself.”
Bea and Sue waited until Ted had stalked stiffly from the room before falling over, braying with laughter.
“How could Ted resist? Booster made him look at her breasts!”
“Naughty, naughty Booster! Seducing poor innocent Ted like that!”
“I wonder how many of those tapes they made?”
* * * * *
“They made porn? When they were--? How--what--how did they manage to film pornography? Were they using JLI equipment?”
“I did not inquire.”
* * * * *
“Oh, sir...”
“Just keep the camera there, Skeets. Right there, ohgodyes, right there, unh, Ted!”
* * * * *
“But? Structural damage?”
“Apparently Guy overheard Bea and Sue discussing Booster and Beetle’s film and made an erroneous conclusion. And then acted upon that conclusion.”
* * * * *
Guy chuckled to himself. It was their own fault. If they didn’t want someone stealing their nice little porn tapes, they shouldn’t have left them lying in a locked room where any GL could pick the lock and stumble over where the videos had been hidden in the air vents. He grinned. A plain white cassette case marked “South Wall Surveillance Footage.” If the case was so raunchy they had to replace it, the tape must be spectacular. He wondered where Ted, of all people, had stumbled onto this. It wasn’t like he could picture Beetle hanging around an adult video shop. Or Booster, for that matter. Corporate sponsors would have a cow.
Well however they got it, it was his for now. This wasn’t stealing. He was going to return it...after a few days.
After double-checking the lock on his quarters, he slipped the tape into the VCR and hit play. Whoever last watched it must have been interrupted; the show started up right in the middle of a particularly involved-looking scene. Damn, how did the brunette get into that position? She must be double-jointed. And the blonde...spectacular boobs (even if the left one was a bit larger) and a butt you could bounce silver dollars off of. He turned up the sound a bit, since the expected bow-chicka-bow-wow soundtrack was absent.
Guy was just getting into the, ahem, groove, when the blond gave a particularly long moan and cried out “Oh, Ted, do that again.”
He froze. Flexible, curvy short-haired brunette paired with an athletic, equally short-haired blond. Who called her Ted. Mad Doctor Insane’s machine that had turned Booster and Beetle into chicks. Bea and Sue letting them keep this when they’d ruthlessly banned all of Guy’s...art films. His brain made the connection from A to B to C to D, then curled up in a fetal position and whimpered brokenly.
* * * * *
“There was a mental scream of ‘Unclean! Let the void of space cleanse my mind!’ and Green Lantern exited through the roof.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Indeed. Choco?”
“I think I’ll need something stronger.”
* * * * *
“Crap, Booster, that was my favorite one. Are you sure you looked everywhere?”
“I dunno, maybe the shock made him vaporize it? Don’t worry, we've still got fourteen other tapes.”
* * * * *
The safe’s location was known only to one person and access controlled by retinal scan, DNA match, voiceprint identification, and 311-character alphanumeric passcode encrypted using the largest known Meissner’s prime.
The tape, newly labeled “Hormonal Irregularities as Documented in Cases of Abrupt SRY Gene Elimination” fit in nicely between “Incidents of Territorial Combat, Genus Felidae” and “Variations in Microgametophytes of the Toxicodendron Radicans.”
The End