Work Text:
Nothing had gone according to Helen’s plan.. well nothing except for the actual murder… and even that had taken a couple of detours. Ernest was supposed to be the one to kill Madeline but Helen hadn’t been able to control her rage and had pushed her best friend down the stairs.
The following weeks were a blur. She had hatched a new plan in mere seconds and somehow Ernest had managed to pull it off. The coroner had come and taken away Madeline’s body and Ernest had met Helen in her hotel room and a couple of weeks later they were sharing their dream apartment in Paris.
Once in Paris she should have finally been able to start her dream life, she should have been relieved she’d eliminated Madeline, finally taking her out of her life and freeing her from her. Yet her time there had been anything but pleasant. Her initial happiness and delight at finally getting rid of Madeline had slowly faded away and had been replaced with an enormous amount of guilt. Helen was up at all hours of the night, unable to close her eyes without seeing Madeline’s lifeless body at the bottom of the stairs. When she did fall asleep, her exhaustion catching up to her, she either heard Mad’s screams in her dreams, reliving that fateful moment she pushed her down the stairs all over again, which had her waking up screaming. Or she was haunted by memories of her and Mad, both good and bad, which had her waking up sobbing as she frantically apologised to the blonde.
At first Ernest had been caring and understanding, as he himself battled his own grief and guilt about what had happened. But he seemed to actually be able to move on rather quickly, and Helen’s guilt, grief, and obsession only seemed to get worse as time went on, which she felt was incredibly unfair, the entire point of finally getting rid of Madeline was to finally be able to live her life without being haunted by the blonde, yet it seemed to have accomplished the exact opposite.
It didn’t take long before Ernest and Helen grew apart, Ernest never really loved Helen, he had seen her as an escape out of an unhappy marriage and Helen had seen him as a way to get back at Madeline. They had both served their purpose and were now useless to one another. Mere months after The Incident they both went their separate ways, Helen had no idea what Ernest’s plan was but she really couldn’t care less if she was honest.
The next few years of her life were spent running from city to city, country to country, as she tried to outrun Madeline’s ghost. But no matter where she ended up, whether it was a big city or a small town, she couldn’t get her out of her head. Everything reminded her of Mad, even when it wasn’t obviously related to her, she managed to find a way to make it about the former star.
That’s how she found herself back in LA, in a small apartment, rewatching every movie Madeline had ever done, only going outside to get groceries or to visit Madeline’s grave, unable to think about anything but the blonde. She had relived and overanalysed every single interaction they had ever had a million times, hoping to justify what she had done to her, but nothing ever seemed to ease the guilt. She really thought this would be much easier… in theory it had all made so much sense… get rid of Madeline and finally be free of her and be able to live her own life… but now she had found that a life without her hadn’t been worth living.
Helen couldn’t get herself interested in doing anything, there simply was no reason. It’s not like she could make Mad jealous with it or like it would give her the upper hand in their relationship… she had already won… and now life had lost its meaning and had become boring… there was no reason to do anything anymore. She had gotten everything she thought she wanted, it just hadn’t been what she needed.
The realisation that a life without Madeline wasn’t a life worth living hadn’t been the only revelation these years had brought. The years spent without Madeline had not only worsened her obsession with her but had also broken down the dam she had built to repress her feelings for her best friend.
The first crack in the dam appeared right after Ernest appeared in her hotel room, when the realisation that they really just had killed Madeline finally fully settled in. Along with the expected relief and happiness, an intense sadness made its home in her heart. It took her by surprise and for a second she questioned whether she had done the right thing, before telling herself it was just her mourning the past, the moments shared when they were younger, the happiness they had once shared before everything slowly turned to shit. But the sadness never left and day after day it helped weaken the only thing that kept her feelings for Madeline at bay.
The dam weakened even further when she smelled a familiar perfume while walking on the street. For a second she felt relieved, calmer than she had in weeks, Helen quickly turned around, expecting to find a furious Madeline, ready to fight her, but was met with an unfamiliar brunette. The relief she previously felt quickly disappeared and got replaced by disappointment, shame, and a debilitating sadness. She felt so stupid, she had only been to her funeral a few months ago, she had seen the casket, had helped Ernest pick out the headstone, and yet at the faintest reminder of Madeline she had expected to see her again. What’s even worse, she was delighted at the idea of seeing her again. She blamed the recent move to a completely new country and the lack of sleep for her weird behavior.
The third major shock to the already slowly crumbling dam came when she began rewatching Madeline’s movies. Ernest had advised her against it and they had fought about Helen’s increasing obsession with Madeline more than once, but she couldn’t get herself to care about what Ernest thought was best or how this made him feel. The only thing she cared about was the way her heart fluttered whenever a certain blonde appeared on screen, the way she managed to repress every negative thought as she fully emerged herself in Madeline’s characters, as she picked apart the acting choices her best friend had made, as she watched her break the fourth wall and look right at Helen once more, and just for a mere second the world around her stopped spinning, her brain was quiet, and everything was right with the world once more. She often paused the movie in that exact moment, needing to stare into Madeline’s blue eyes for longer than just a fleeting glance. She couldn’t find an excuse for this behavior, she tried to blame her guilt, but as Ernest so unhelpfully pointed out, that would probably cause her to avoid anything Madeline related, not actively seek it out.
Helen’s inability to find causes and reasonable explanations for her feelings shook the very foundations on which the wall was built. Ernest no longer being there to provide her with distractions also quickened the collapsing of the already unstable dam. She couldn’t quite remember exactly when Ernest left, all Hel remembers is that suddenly no one was stopping her from spending most of her time thinking about Madeline and seeking out things that reminded her of her. When Helen could feel her entire world was starting to crumble she began to run, now actively trying to avoid any and all things related to a certain blonde actress. She moved from city to city, country to country, yet never managed to escape Madeline’s ghost.
That’s when she finally just gave up and spent every minute she could indoors, looking at any and all footage of Madeline she could find. Whether it were old pictures of them together, videos she had recorded, or professionally shot movies, it didn’t matter, she needed to see Mad. It’s during one of these binging sessions that the turbulent waves that were Helen’s feelings, finally managed to break through what was left of a once very sturdy construction.
It all happened so quickly and stupidly. She was watching Madeline’s character kiss her love interest, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a thought slipped through the cracks. ‘That should have been me’.
This certainly wasn’t the first time she’d felt uneasy and jealous whenever she watched Madeline kiss someone, but usually she managed to convince herself that she wanted the man or that she thought that it was unfair that Madeline got to be happy when she was a horrible person. But no matter how she tried to spin it, no matter which excuse she tried to come up with, the thought persisted. She wanted to be the one kissing Madeline.
The movie was completely forgotten as she began to spiral, trying anything in her power to try and spin this in a way that would get her to keep denying any feelings for the blonde. But her own brain was out to get her, every memory where she had ever felt similarly got brought to the forefront of her mind and slowly but surely all the puzzle pieces fell into place.
Helen wasn’t sure how long she spent going over every single memory of Madeline she could recall, analyzing every single interaction and the feelings that accompanied those interactions. By the time she was done her head was spinning and she was forced to face the facts. She was in love with Madeline. She had been for as long as she could remember. That’s why she haunted her the way she did, that’s why she never managed to stay away, that’s why her own boyfriend never managed to fascinate her as much as the blonde did.
The realisation had brought along many complicated emotions. Her life finally started to make a little more sense, so there was a sense of relief at finally letting herself feel her feelings. That relief was overshadowed by an incredible amount of sadness, anger, and hurt. Why now? Why did she have to figure out everything when it was already too late? After she had already killed Madeline. It was all so overwhelming, now she had to deal with her feelings, feelings she didn’t even realise she had till it was too late, feelings she knew were never even reciprocated. There was so much to grieve and only one person to blame, it was all too much.
So Helen did what she did best, and completely ignored the giant ache in her chest that had now doubled in size. It’s not like there was a way this could be fixed anyway…so why try? Helen became even more of a shut-in and every waking second was spent obsessing over Madeline… or what was left of her.
Madeline’s voice brought Helen back down to earth, her eyes landing on the screen of her tv once more as Mad’s lines slowly helped Hel focus on the present once more. Dogstronaut was probably the worst movie ever made and yet it had turned into Helen’s comfort movie. It was the last movie Madeline had ever done, this was the closest Hel could get to getting to see the Mad she pushed down the stairs. Although… in her mind Madeline had looked even better that night… despite it being 10 years later. Maybe her brain had distorted the memories because of all the movies she had watched where Madeline was still what the actress would have called her prime… or maybe she really had seen what she wanted to see at her book launch.
Before she could begin to spiral again, a knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts. She hadn’t had visitors in… well she couldn’t remember but it must have been years… she had no idea who it could be, no one she knew was aware of her current residence. Another, louder, more angry knock sounded, it reminded of how Mad used to knock on her door when she got impatient with her. That’s what convinced Helen to pause the movie and open the door, the reminder of a woman she had loved, hated, obsessed over…murdered. That last part made her shudder a little.
The door creaked as Helen slowly opened it, her heart rate picking up a little as sunlight entered the room, her mind racing and wondering who it could be. Her heart dropped and mind blanked when her eyes landed on an all too familiar figure. Her mouth dropped open and her arms dropped to her side. This couldn’t be. She’s dead. She saw her lifeless body at the bottom of the stairs with her own two eyes.
“Helen… you pushed me down the stairs.”
Madeline’s voice was a mix of rage, sadness, and disbelief. Great. She was hallucinating again, this hadn’t happened since her trip to the psych ward. She knew she had been getting worse but she hadn’t expected for the hallucinations to start again years after The Incident. She looked exactly like that fateful night, except for the outfit… she couldn’t remember ever seeing Mad wear anything like that… she had to give it to herself, at least she was creative.
“Mad… I..”
She stopped herself and reminded herself of some grounding exercises but before she could start to name some things that were here, hallucination Mad had pushed her way past her, walked inside, and began to speak once more. She hated that hallucination Mad was as persistent as real Madeline.
“That’s all you have to say? You killed me!!”
The figment of her imagination sounded genuinely distressed and offended, like she couldn’t believe Helen had actually had the audacity to do this to her. But Hel didn’t miss the genuine pain in those blue eyes, like she really couldn’t believe she had hated her enough to actually end her life.
She slammed the door shut in frustration and followed her into the living room. This illusion really did behave just like an angry Madeline, no regard for boundaries and didn’t even wait to be invited in, she just made her way inside.
Helen couldn’t get her mind off of the genuine distress and hurt on hallucination Madeline’s face, her stomach twisted a little when she saw it again once ‘Madeline’ turned to face her. Great, now even her hallucinations were making her feel guilty. As if she wasn’t already wrecked with guilt about what she had done.
“Are you just going to keep staring at me or are you actually going to say something?!”
She knew she shouldn’t interact with the hallucination, she should do her grounding exercises and wait till it disappeared, but she had missed Madeline so much that she couldn’t ignore her. Even if she knew she wasn’t really there, she couldn’t pass up an opportunity to talk to her again, having illusion Madeline here was better than having no Madeline at all.
“I had no choice! I thought it was the only way I’d finally have my freedom. I couldn’t keep living like that, constantly haunted by you.”
Helen sighed, how great that had turned out, she was currently literally being haunted by her. Her voice shook and had cracked in the middle of her sentence, she hadn’t sounded this small since before she had drank the potion. She groaned, she couldn’t believe she was actually explaining herself to the illusion of her ex-best friend.
What was even worse was that the illusion had the audacity to look actually hurt by her answer, tears welling up in those blue eyes. Now this was just cruel. She never could stand to watch Madeline cry. Watching her be jealous of her? That was fun. Watching her be in physical pain? That gave her a thrill like nothing else could. Watching her be in so much emotional pain that she would actually cry in front of her? That was unbearable.
“And did you find your freedom?”
She watched as Madeline’s mirage hid the pain behind her usual sassy mask, acting like she didn’t care. God, she really knew her too well, even the Madeline she was hallucinating acted exactly like the real one would.
A humourless laugh rang through the room as Hel stared at the manifestation of her descent into madness in disbelief. Her own hallucination was making fun of her for thinking that she could ever be rid of Mad, for thinking that she could ever live a fulfilling life that didn’t include the blonde. Her laugh seemed to startle illusion Mad as her mask momentarily cracked and was taken over by a shocked expression before slipping back on.
Helen took a deep breath, she might as well be honest with fake Madeline, it might actually help her get all of her pent up feelings out.
“No. I think you currently being here makes that pretty obvious. I doubt I would have started imagining you being here if I was finally over you. I’m trapped by the memory of you… of killing you… which is somehow worse than being stuck obsessing over you while you couldn’t care less about my existence.”
The exasperation was clear in her voice. She had accepted defeat and if she was being honest, having illusion Mad here did make her feel less alone, even if she was only a figment of her imagination.
Speaking of that figment of her imagination, the blonde did not attempt to hide her confusion, as if Helen’s words made no sense to her.
“Excuse me, imagining me? Well now the lack of questions makes sense! You’re not hallucinating me, I’m really here!”
Huh that was new, her hallucinations had never before actively tried to convince her they were real. Granted this hadn’t happened since leaving the mental hospital and back then she had rarely called them out on not being real in the first place.
Illusion Mad sounded extremely frustrated and she wildly moved her arms around as she spoke, as if calling her out on not being real had offended her. Although she supposed it couldn’t be nice finding out you’re just a part of someone’s imagination.
Helen groaned, what the hell was she doing? She was overanalysing the feelings of her own hallucinations, this was a new low. She needed to get a grip.
“You’re not, Mad, you said it yourself, I killed you. You’re dead. I saw your lifeless body at the bottom of the stairs!”
The last bit of Helen’s composure began to crumble as she talked about Madeline being dead, the reality of the situation once again sinking in. Her eyes filled with tears and her voice rose as she finished her last sentence hurriedly, while crossing her arms in front of her chest, as if to protect herself.
Hallucination Mad seemed to enjoy Helen’s distress and reached out to her, gently touching her arm while speaking in a teasing manner.
“Could I do this if I weren’t really here?”
At the end of her sentence illusion?Madeline pinched Helen’s arm.
Helen’s heart was racing, her mind scrambling for an explanation when she felt fake?Madeline’s hand on her arm, her hallucinations had never reached out to touch her before and when she had reached out to touch them, they had usually disappeared.
When she felt the pinch and it actually stung her entire world stopped spinning. This didn’t make any sense, she shouldn’t have felt that. When she looked down at her arm there were actual marks left on her skin. Two crescent moon shaped marks where hallucination?Mad’s nails had grabbed her skin.
“But I saw you die!”
She sputtered the words out as her mind continued reeling. Helen could feel an anxiety attack creep up her spine, her breathing shallowing as her mind tried to make sense of the current situation. Madeline was a hallucination, she had to be, she had helped arrange her funeral, had been to her grave multiple times a week, she was dead.
Helen ran her fingers over the marks Madeline had left behind, was she imagining them and the sting she had felt? Her hallucinations usually only affected one, mostly two of her senses… had she gotten this bad without even realising it?
The marks on her arm seemed to stay as her fingers traced them, she could feel the indents on her skin, she could feel the sting when her fingers glided over them. When ‘Madeline’ had gotten closer to her she could smell the all too familiar perfume she always used to wear. This felt too real to be a hallucination and yet she knew Madeline was dead.
Hallucination Mad’s sadistic grin seemed to soften for a second as Helen spiralled further and further. Helen didn’t miss the slight hint of worry that was visible in those blue eyes. The blonde’s voice was a little softer when she spoke again.
“Turns out I’m not that easy to kill.”
There was a mixture of pride and playfulness in her voice as she stood up straighter. As fake Madeline straightened her spine Helen’s eye fell onto the butterfly pin on Madeline’s jacket.
Everything slowly began to make sense, Viola’s speech replaying in her mind over and over again, as Helen slowly pieced everything together.
Siempre viva.
Kill your old complexion.
You and your body will be together a very long time, be good to it .
“You took Viola’s potion! That’s why you looked so much better that night! That’s why you’re still alive!”
Madeline was really here. Relief flooded her as she realised she wasn’t spiralling into a place worse than she had ever been. That relief was quickly replaced by anger and shame, some of the things she had said weren’t meant for real Madeline’s ears. Helen couldn’t believe it. All these years, all that guilt, all that sorrow, she had mourned her for fucks sake! And all this time she was still here, roaming around.
Madeline’s proud smirk turned into a frown. She tried to deny it, acting like she had no clue what Helen was talking about, but Mad had never been a great actress and Helen had always been able to see right through her.
“You know about its existence so clearly you took it too! I should have known. I mean it makes sense, you needed it much more than I did.”
That remark stung but she knew what Madeline was doing, trying to start an argument in an attempt to change the subject, but Helen wouldn’t let her, the blonde had some explaining to do.
“All this time you let me think I killed you while you were out here doing whatever it is that you do! You made me suffer for years thinking I’d never see you again!! Why tell me now? What’s the point of this, Madeline?”
Helen sounded genuinely distressed, angry and hurt. She couldn’t believe Madeline had let her believe she was dead all this time.
Madeline’s face contorted, her rage now plainly visible, any attempt at trying to hide her feelings being flushed down the drain as she walked forward and got all up in Helen’s personal space.
“I had to take my revenge somehow! You took away everything from me. It’s not like I could just pop up in public again after the paramedics declared me dead. I have had to stay away from any and all attention for years. And oh yeah, YOU DID KILL ME!! So I think a little grieving isn’t that bad of a punishment.”
Normally Madeline’s chest should be rising and falling quickly as her anger took over, her breathing growing more shallow. Yet when Helen’s eyes settled on Madeline’s chest, she noticed that it wasn’t moving at all, and that there were barely visible scars on her neck. Another wave of guilt suddenly washed over her, yet somewhere in the deepest darkest parts of her soul, there was also a sick sort of satisfaction at the thought that she had left her permanent mark on Madeline’s body.
“After everything you put me through! Are you really surprised I couldn’t take it any longer? I had to try something. You were ruining my life.”
The guilt was making her defensive, besides why should Madeline get to act like the victim after making her life a living hell? This wasn’t fair. Helen focused on her anger and pushed down the butterflies in her stomach, she always got those when they argued… she had to admit she had missed this.
“Yeah well life without me doesn’t seem so fabulous either.”
Madeline’s voice had cracked at the end of her sentence, Helen’s words had clearly hit her deeper than she was willing to let on.
A beat of silence. Neither of them willing to break it just yet. That was their curse, they couldn’t live with each other but they also couldn’t live without one another. Helen cleared her throat before speaking again, hoping to divert their attention from the obvious truth glaring at the both of them, neither of them were good at being vulnerable and talking about their feelings.
“How did you even pull this off? I mean I saw your grave! Whose body is in there? And how did you… I mean I saw your neck, your spine and your legs and..”
Helen gagged at the thought of seeing Madeline with her several broken bones and her twisted neck laying on the floor. That image would never leave her brain.
Madeline flinched a little at the questions and pondered for a moment, maybe she was wondering whether she wanted to answer the question or not. After another moment of silence she began to talk once more.
“There is no body in there… I woke up in a bodybag and started screaming.. the guy who found and freed me was so shocked and freaked out that he died of a heart attack after seeing me. I managed to slip out without being seen by anyone else, went to Viola who knew some people that managed to fix me up as best as they could, and she then pulled some strings to make sure no one found out I wasn’t dead, which also meant no more public appearances..”
Silence filled the air for a couple of seconds before Madeline continued talking.
“I was at least hoping that people would be massively visiting my grave to mourn the loss of their favourite star… but in all these years there has only been one visitor…”
Madeline sounded genuinely upset as she said the last sentence, though she was trying to hide it behind the theatrical way she had spoken about being people’s favourite star.
Helen’s eyes widened as she realised that Madeline knew about her visiting her grave, the pointed look at her when she uttered the last part of the sentence made it clear that she was referring to Hel. Had she heard all the things she had confessed to her gravestone? Had she seen her cry? Her cheeks tinted bright red as she thought of all the things she had said to Mad’s grave.
“Why did you visit? Was it just out of pure guilt?”
Madeline’s soft voice reached Helen’s ears. The blonde had decided to leave the theatrics behind for now, her question was the most open and vulnerable she had been during this entire conversation. Those blue eyes searched Helen’s questioningly, as if they carried the answers to all of her unspoken questions. Helen sighed, she supposed she did owe Madeline some answers, and she couldn’t lie to her when she looked at her like this. At least that question meant she probably hadn’t heard anything she had said to her headstone… otherwise she wouldn’t be questioning her motives.
“Guilt was part of the reason… but… I also just missed you…”
Helen admitted begrudgingly. She hated confessing that she had missed Madeline, it gave the blonde the upper hand once more. She expected her to make fun of her, a jab about her being pathetic for thinking she could ever exist without needing Mad, or a barely hidden insult about Helen being weak for missing her. Instead another question followed, one that caught Helen off guard.
“Do you really think I couldn’t care less about you?”
Helen didn’t have the time to hide the shock on her face. Madeline sounded so confused, as if the idea of her not caring about Helen was the weirdest thing in this current conversation. Quite frankly, Helen had already forgotten saying it, she didn’t think Madeline had listened to her that attentively anyway. Besides to her it was just a simple fact, Mad had made it quite clear to her that she would be fine without her, that she didn’t care whether Hel was in her life or not. So to her this question came out of nowhere and she had no idea how to answer it.
“You’ve never been subtle about it, Mad. ‘Hel I completely forgot she was coming tonight’. I was always just an afterthought, an ego boost, a little reminder of how wonderful you are.”
She shrugged, acting like she didn’t care that all she ever was was an accessory in Madeline’s life, when her entire life had revolved around her best friend. One look at Madeline’s face told her she wasn’t buying her act, which had Helen hoping the ground would open up and swallow her right here and now. Madeline really didn’t need to know just how much her words had affected her, it would only make things worse, give her even more power over her.
An eerie silence filled the room as Madeline seemed to really think about the words Helen had just spoken, which only caused the redhead’s anxiety to spike even more. When she had thought Madeline was dead, she had often thought about what it would be like to have a real conversation with her, with no cruel comments barely hidden in them, just them talking about their relationship and how it got to this point. She had planned out exactly what she’d say, the questions she’d ask, the answers she’d hoped to get. Now Madeline was standing right in front of her and the possibility of it actually happening was closer than ever before and it scared her shitless. Mad and her had never been good at just talking to each other without layers of snarky comments to hide their real feelings behind, so the idea of it happening now was immensely scary.
Part of her hoped Madeline would just defuse the situation with a bitchy remark or an out of pocket statement, anything to keep them from having to face their feelings. But another part of her knew that this was probably the only chance she’d have at getting answers she had craved for decades now, and she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she didn’t take the opportunity to at least try and get these answers out of Mad.
Madeline’s voice put a stop to Helen’s overactive mind and brought her back down to earth.
“You were never just that… maybe I had been looking forward to seeing you all week but didn’t want to admit it because then I’d have to start thinking about why I felt the need to wear something sexy to get your attention, or why I’d get butterflies at the thought of seeing you again, or why our sparring was the only thing that made me truly feel something.”
A rare moment of vulnerability and openness that clearly asked a lot of Madeline. She was looking anywhere but at Helen while she fidgeted with her hair, a telltale sign that she was more nervous than she was letting on.
The heaviness of the words that Madeline had spoken didn’t go unnoticed by Helen. This wasn’t her playing one of her games, just using pretty words to talk her way out of something. This had been difficult for her to admit, the way she worried her bottom lip between her teeth told Helen as much. Helen liked to think she was fluent in speaking Mad’s language and that she was easily able to find the hidden meanings behind what she was saying, but maybe the years of not seeing her had made her rusty, because if she didn’t know any better, she’d think that Madeline had just confessed her feelings for her. But she did know better, and there was no way Madeline Ashton would ever feel anything remotely romantic for someone she had on more than one occasion described as ‘at best a four’.
Before another oppressive silence could take hold of the room, Madeline spoke again, clearly uneasy with the lack of response from Helen.
“Even after all these years… after you tried to kill me… I still couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to stay away, to let you be consumed by guilt, watch you wallow in self pity and wreck your life from afar, but I couldn’t. I haven’t felt like myself without you…”
Another beat of silence before Madeline angrily spit out the next two sentences.
“Oh for fucks sake, Hel, I’m in love with you!! I don’t know how to make it more obvious!”
Madeline kept talking, clearly waiting for Helen to interject and say something, anything, but the longer Mad went on, the less Helen knew what to say. This was all so much at once, mere hours ago she thought Madeline was dead… now she was in her living room confessing her feelings… the same Madeline who had taken any opportunity to belittle her, who had driven her to the point of murder, that same Madeline was now telling her she was in love with her.
“Hel… say something… anything…”
Helen could see the panic on Madeline’s face, she was pretty sure this was the closest she had ever seen Mad get to begging, she had to admit that she enjoyed the idea of getting Madeline Ashton to beg, and a small part of her wanted to see if she could make her desperate enough to, simply by being silent. But the part that spent years missing Madeline and coming to terms with the fact that she loved her, was screaming at her to answer. She had spent too long pining for a dead woman while trying, and failing, to come to terms with the fact that this could never happen to now play coy and act unbothered.
“I’m… in love with you.”
Helen’s voice shook with the intensity of the emotions behind the statement. Adding the too felt wrong, like it lessened the intensity of her feelings for Mad. She was in love with her, not because Madeline was in love with her, she had loved her even when she thought her love could never be requited, even when she thought she was dead.
“Hel, you can’t say those things when you don’t mean them. You can’t seriously still be that afraid of me that you’d lie about how you feel towards me…”
Years of not seeing each other must have made it harder for Madeline to be able to read Helen, maybe she had seen her unsteady voice as a sign that Helen wasn’t speaking the truth, but nothing could be less true, that confession was the most honest she had ever been with herself and with Mad in their decades long friendship.
Madeline’s voice had sounded steady but Helen knew her tells, she wasn’t looking at Helen but through her, her hands were smoothing out non-existent wrinkles in Madeline’s outfit, and if her lip could still bleed, it would from how much she had been biting on it. Helen knew how nervous she really was, she had studied Madeline long enough to know when she was acting tougher than she felt.
Helen also knew that words wouldn’t be enough right now, nothing she said would convince Mad of her feelings. So she decided to let her actions speak for her. She gently reached out to cup Madeline’s cheek, for a second she feared the blonde might flinch as she did, the last time she had touched her was to choke her and then push her down the stairs after all. But Madeline did no such thing, instead she instantly leaned into it, looking at Helen with such admiration that it took her breath away, it was as if she was saying that it didn’t matter whether she was touching her to hurt or comfort her, as long as she was touching her . That’s when it hit her that Mad was just as obsessed with her as she was with Madeline.
That gave her the last bit of courage that was needed to pull Madeline in and kiss her. She hadn’t kissed anyone in a while, and she wasn’t sure if she was any good at it, but none of that mattered, not right now, not when she needed to show Mad just how much she loved her. Helen poured all of her feelings into the kiss, saying things words could never convey in the way she gently moved her lips against Mad’s, in the way her free hand gently rested on the blonde’s hip, her thumb softly caressing it over the fabric of Madeline’s outfit. If her words weren't enough she’d convince her with the way she kissed her.
She felt Madeline freeze for a moment, as if she was trying to understand what Helen was telling her. Helen could feel the moment it finally clicked for Mad, that she was telling the truth, that she did love her, was in love with her, as Mad began to move her lips against hers, trying to take control of the kiss and Helen let her, because she knew how important that was for Madeline, how control was her only safety net.
Helen only pulled away when she could feel herself getting dizzy from a lack of oxygen. Some of the earlier tension seemed to have left Madeline’s body, a dopey smile was plastered on her face, and she swore she could see her blush… could dead people blush?
Before she could ponder that question any further Madeline kissed her once more, this time the only thing she could think about was how soft Madeline’s lips felt, how right this felt, how she finally understood why people enjoyed doing this. The hand that previously had rested on her cheek, tangled into Mad’s silky hair, and she grabbed onto Madeline’s hip a little harder, to make sure she really was here and this really was happening.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Madeline breathed against her mouth and for a second Helen’s mind was quiet, something she had never experienced before. She rested her forehead against Madeline’s and simply enjoyed their proximity for a moment.
The serenity of the moment was broken when Madeline suddenly burst out laughing. Helen pulled back but before she could ask what the fuck was so funny, she saw what Mad had seen out of the corner of her eye and suddenly she turned bright red.
“Dogstronaut? Really? Are you ever going to let that go?”
Madeline groaned and rolled her eyes. Helen wanted to disappear under the floorboards, she had completely forgotten about the movie.