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At least six different regrets zip around Jax's head as he forces his legs to take him away from Pomni. Why didn't he fight back? How could he be so careless? What just made him break his character so badly?
Why the f&%k did he get so angry?
It's quiet as he walks; he half-expected to hear Pomni running after him, calling out his name in that concerned voice that she uses on the others. But no, it's just him and his shaky breaths.
Jax has had his fair share of blame, for adventures going wrong, for arguments and fights… for abstractions. Zooble probably tells him at least weekly that something is his fault, and it usually is. But this was… this felt different. Pomni, Pomni of all people, telling him that he's the reason people abstract.
He scoffs to himself, still taking long strides to wherever the closest door is without looking back once.
What does she know?
Jax has seen the process of abstraction up close and personal, several times over. Pomni has seen it one time, and even then she never saw the 'f&%k around' part, only the 'find out'. She has no idea what it's like.
"This might be what causes people to abstract in the first place."
He can still see her gritted teeth and creased eyebrows in his vision, as she so confidently spouted those words at him as if she were spitting venom.
What the hell does she know?
The nearest door is bright red and made of wood. Jax is not sure if he's even seen it before, let alone opened it. But he's in a hurry to escape the situation, and he yanks it open, letting himself into what looks like a reception room, with red curtains covering the expanse of the back wall, and black wooden furniture adorning the warm space.
He drags his feet over to the nearest cluster of armchairs and collapses across one sideways, with a frustrated sigh,
"Does she think I try to cause abstractions on purpose ?"
Jax leans back on the arm and stares at the distant ceiling. He runs a gloved hand over his face with another sigh, grumbling,
"No, it doesn't matter… I don't care what she thinks."
The first abstraction he saw was during his second week here. It was Rett, the guy who looked like a golden retriever. He was the most cartoonish person Jax has seen in the circus so far. At least everyone else can comfortably walk on just two legs. He never spoke to Rett besides the initial greeting, but Rett didn't speak much to anyone in the time Jax knew him.
The next was Wiggy. Wiggy the worm. Wiggy the worm with the f&%king dumbest name of all time. Sometimes Jax still wonders how Wiggy landed on that name. He wasn't exactly fun to have around anyway, but near the end, he was nothing but bitter. Jax had watched as his pupils dilated unevenly and his eyes started to glow. He had watched as the dark, jagged matter consumed him. Even sharing the circus with Wiggy for over a month, he barely interacted with him until his final moments.
And Pomni thinks I'm trying to make them abstract? I barely knew them.
Well. He barely knew Rett and Wiggy. He did know…
"Ugh… God ," he groans, gripping onto the armchair and twisting himself until he's sitting in it normally.
Here he goes again. Showing his "human emotion" as Pomni called it. He doesn't understand why everyone's so against his demeanour. All the people who abstracted were way too sensitive, and that's what led to their end. Why not try the nonchalant approach?
But that leads to the question that still stands at the back of Jax's mind: why did he feel provoked when Pomni accused him of driving people to abstract with his attitude? He shouldn't care- he doesn't care about what she thinks his motive is.
With that, Jax sits up, concludes that he doesn't care with a final, content sigh, and his signature wide grin.
He's pulled, as if with a magnet, out of the armchair, through what he can only describe as the look of TV static combined with the texture of silicone, then finally onto the cold, rough ground outside of a grandiose looking theatre. Then Jax is immediately joined by Kinger, Ragatha, Zooble, Gangle and finally Pomni.
Pushing himself up and brushing dust off his outfit, he lazily surveys the area. Several large golden statues line the red carpet pathway to the theatre doors, which is guarded by a rope fence of the same colours.
THE FAVOURITE CHARACTER AWARDS
The sign is a blinding assault on Jax's eyes, having just been in a cozy, dimly lit reception a few seconds ago. Gangle and Zooble walk to the entrance together. Kinger trails after them. Ragatha and Pomni take the red carpet separately, seemingly lost in their own thoughts.
Jax watches Pomni leave. His heartbeat has barely slowed since the altercation, even after the moment of downtime that he got. He waits until everyone has gone inside before he starts to walk. The last thing he wants right now is to have to look any of them in the eyes. Not when he's this drained, this exhausted . Not when he's as prone to breaking character as he has been today.
"I do not care about you, or ANYONE else in this circus in the slightest."
Even Jax himself finds that hard to believe anymore. And Pomni certainly wasn't convinced, not with the saviour complex she wears like a badge of f&%king honour - No. He doesn't care. He doesn't care what she thinks. He doesn't care. He can't care. He's not weak like everyone else. Caring is their weakness. Caring is what makes people abstract. It's not Jax's fault. It's not my fault. It's their fault for caring. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn’t my fault, it was his… fault…
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR THE FAVOURITE CHARACTER AWARDS!"
He's sitting in a plush seat that should be comfortable, but he's tapping his foot endlessly and his body feels like it's trying to break out of his skin. The mannequins in the rows in front of him are jumping, and it's almost a dizzying sight, which is not pleasant when combined with the dark, fuzzy aura encasing his vision.
"BUT, WHAT'S AN AWARD SHOW WITHOUT- .... -and- ........"
Jax can barely see straight. He can barely think straight. For the first time in God knows how long, he can feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He still hasn't caught his breath. His heartbeat is still rapid. It's so loud in his ears. He can't even hear Caine anymore.
He needs to find an exit.
"THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S BAD !"
By some miracle, the first thing he sees after darting straight to the back of the theatre is the bathroom door. He throws it open and makes for the sink. His hand shoots out, fumbling at the faucet, and with a twist, not-quite-realistic-water gushes from the tap. He braces himself against the counter, chest heaving, staring at the whirlpool as if it might steady him and his trembling hands. Barely holding himself up, he gasps in shallow breaths, like the air inside the room carries the properties of glass wool. It hurts to inhale.
The rush of water drowns out the commotion from the theatre. His heart pounds and the murky aura in his vision closes in more and more, until he feels like he's looking through a keyhole.
It wasn't my fault.
Jax's ears are assaulted by the sound of a toilet flush, then the click of a door right behind him, and a haste remark. He grips onto the edge of the sink, shaking even harder as he struggles to get any oxygen into his lungs. What little air he can take in is quickly depleted as he finds himself choking on the very substance. How ironic, for his body to reject the one thing it needs so desperately.
A strained, helpless whimper claws its way out of his burning throat. His knees give out, and he stumbles away from the sink, collapsing to the floor. He's stranded, exposed in the middle of the room, so he shoves himself away with his hands until he finds purchase in a cold, tiled wall against his back. His hands clutch at his chest, then curl uselessly in his lap, still trembling.
The room feels smaller. The walls get closer as the sound of the tap swells into a loud crash in his mind. He pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them as he fights for air.
It wasn't my fault…
-
"-FOR BEST LISTENER GOES TO... KINGER!"
Pomni feels a tap on her left shoulder. An almost pathetic glimmer of hope sparks inside her, the hope that Jax could be reaching out, but when she turns around, she's met with Disappearing Guy of all things. The maroon figure gestures with a wooden hand towards the back of the theatre.
"Hey, your frien-"
He disappears, as he tends to do. She gazes to where he was pointing and sees two doors; one being the way they came in, and one being what looks like a bathroom. Then she notices that she can't find the signature purple ears of Jax in the audience. Is that what Disappearing Guy was telling her?
Pomni spares a quick glance at the others behind her. Zooble and Gangle are talking in hushed voices, and the former is holding what looks like a water bottle in their hand. It's definitely not filled with water. Kinger looks like he's asleep, and Ragatha is looking behind her too. They lock eyes for a moment, and right as Ragatha tries to say something to her, Pomni pushes herself up out of her seat and runs to the doors.
Check the bathroom first , she thinks to herself, if he's not there, he's outside. Pomni stops abruptly at the large door and pushes it open with some effort. She freezes when she sees him crumpled against the wall, the running water splashing into the sink beside him. Her mouth parts in silent surprise, and something that's not quite sympathy just yet.
For a moment she doesn’t move, unsure whether to step closer or turn away. He could easily be faking it. She recalls what he said before. This may well be a trap to make her feel bad, and then he’ll laugh and grin at her with those wild eyes that he had last time.
But it… it looks real. It looks so real. Too real.
Her arms hover awkwardly at her sides, wide eyes flicking from his trembling frame to his heaving chest. The rushing of water and Caine's booming voice can't quite cover his rattling, shallow gasps.
"What… what's happening?" She asks with a low and uneven voice, even though she knows exactly what's happening. She takes half a step into the room, then stops again, caught by the immense weight of the tension between them. Pomni lingers near the door for another moment, but something similar to morbid curiosity takes her closer to him. Her footsteps are cautious as she moves, like she's trying to approach… well… a prey animal.
Jax lifts his head, finally aware enough to process the situation, but the moment his constricted eyes lock onto hers, his walls collapse before he can do anything.
It's already over. All it took was one look into her eyes.
The tears spill freely now, and a broken sob escapes him. He drags a hand across his face, but it only smears the tear tracks. He shudders with every harsh breath, almost wheezing as now it feels like he's taking in too much air, and his body doesn't know what to do with the abundance.
He shakes his head, mumbling something incoherent between gasps, his voice cracking.
Pomni's hands twitch at her sides. She wants to… do something, anything , but can’t quite bring herself to. Instead, she stands there, uncertain, listening to his sobs and the ever-constant water from the faucet. At that moment, she realises that she's probably the first person to watch him come undone in years.
For a fleeting, but still noticeable moment, Jax’s figure shakes in a way that isn’t quite… human. Well, not that any of them are human anymore, but it looked almost like. Glitching. Almost like-
It clicks.
"…Jax, you’re-"
"Stop, stop, shut up-" he begs, shoving his hands into his lap. Pomni blinks. What is she supposed to do? She’s the only person who has no idea what to do if somebody is on the verge of abstraction. Jax was at least right about that. She takes another small step closer and then crouches on the floor, trying to meet his eyes again.
“Breathe.”
“YOU THINK I’M NOT TRYING TO?” He cries, raising his hands and clutching the ends of his drooping ears, as if it will block out all the noise. Pomni gets close enough to the faucet and reaches over to switch it off.
“Jax-”
“ STOP!” Jax screams, his pointed teeth showing briefly, and Pomni isn’t sure what in particular he wants her to stop doing. Stop talking? Stop turning off the faucet? Stop being in the room with him? A harsh, strangled sound bursts from Jax’s throat - half sob, half laugh. He slams his palms against the floor a few times, trying to regain some sort of grounding feeling in himself.
Pomni winces at the sight. She feels something tug at her chest. Guilt. No matter Jax’s actions prior to this, it’s her words from before that made this happen. And now all she can do is offer a poor excuse for help in a life threatening situation. She can hear it now; her words were stiff, procedural.
“Okay… I know. S-sorry. Just… try to slow down, Jax-”
Jax physically and somewhat audibly reels as she addresses him, and his hands come up to grab fistfuls of the front of his overalls, like he wants to rip the thing away from his body. Fresh tears mingle with the ones on his cheeks that fell seconds ago, and he loses the will to try and brush them away.
Pomni finally gets to her knees and then brings her legs in front of her, sitting on the cold, hard floor opposite the bunny. She quickly asks,
“D’you want me to stop talking?”
To her absolute surprise, Jax doesn’t immediately nod. He doesn’t even nod at all. He doesn’t do anything at all. She words it differently;
“Do you… want me to stop trying to… help?”
Silence.
“Jax, I didn’t-”
She stops, breath caught in her throat, when Jax shudders, wraps his arms tightly around his drawn up legs and lets his head fall into them, completely hiding. Hiding himself, hiding from who- what he is in the Circus. The things he did, the abhorrent things that he said before. He knows what he’s become; only now has the character of ‘Jax’ finally caught up to him.
“Should I… not call you that?” Pomni asks, voice quiet and cautious, like it was the first day she was here, asking questions she barely wanted the answers to. She feels the same way now.
He looks to the left with a shaky gasp of air, hugging himself tighter. Then finally, he gives a small nod.
Pomni shuffles just a little closer and backs against the counter, so that there’s only about a foot of space between them. The tiles are cold beneath her, and for a moment neither of them move. She can still hear Caine outside. Jax’s gasps start to taper into hiccuping breaths, not calm yet, but no longer spiraling as wildly. He wipes at his face again, staring at the open stall on his left.
His shoulders slump, and he leans his head back against the tile, eyes closed. It’s far too late to save face now, so he just lets the rest of his tears fall. Pomni stares at him, studying his figure. Her expression softens in spite of herself, and she quickly straightens up. Does he even deserve to tell me what not to call him? She thinks. But… looking at him now… he doesn’t feel like the Jax from before. That’s what nearly abstracting will do to you, she supposes.
The stillness becomes unbearable.
“…Daisy, Daisy… g-give me your answer do~…”
His eyes open just slightly, glassy and disbelieving. For a second he almost feels offended, as if she’s mocking him, but something tells him that her intention is different. That old, ridiculous song. That song that they sang gleefully together, holding hands and spinning like children. Pomni keeps going, her voice steadier now, though she’s still uncertain if he’ll take this well.
“I’m half crazy, all for the love of you~”
The sound of fanfare and applause can still be heard from outside, but she pays no mind to that. She keeps her gaze on Jax, ensuring that he’s moving further from the edge of abstraction and not closer to it.
“…It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage~”
He lets out a shaky breath, somewhere between a sob and a laugh, as if the absurdity of it cuts through the tension suddenly. Her voice falters, but she keeps singing anyway. Not because she’s confident it will work, but because it’s the only thing she has to offer.
“But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two~…”
Pomni trails off. She doesn’t continue after that verse that they sang together. Instead she just sits with her palms linked together in her lap, letting the quiet settle in the air. She watches as Jax’s chest rises and falls with deliberate care, each breath a little easier than the last. The silence feels different now. It isn’t suffocating, it’s just… silent.
He doesn’t thank her, and she doesn’t ask if he’s okay.
“Why… why that song?” Jax rasps, voice just above a whisper, “Why’d you even…”
Her eyes go wide as he pipes up. She didn’t think he would speak. For a moment Pomni just blinks at him, her mouth parting, but no answer comes right away. Finally, she huffs a quiet, self-conscious laugh and looks down at her hands.
“I didn’t know what else to do. I just- I wanted to snap you out of… that .”
He stares at her. She doesn’t notice,
“I… I heard that confusion is a good way to break the cycle. I guess, to distract your brain or something…” She fidgets with the end of her glove, clearly uncomfortable as she explains herself.
“You… you were right about one thing. I don’t know what people are like before they…”
It feels almost wrong to say the word abstract, not when Jax was just so close to it. Pomni sighs and looks over at him,
“I just. I just feel like what you’re doing isn’t gonna work. You probably think it’s worth a shot, y’know? Why not act careless and see how long you last? But it’s… it’s breaking you. I know I’m still new here, but I feel like I was right when I said that… acting this way is what’s gonna cause your abstraction.”
Jax is completely frozen in place. She watches him carefully, looking out for anything to show that he’s listening, if he’s even humouring the idea of agreeing with her. But he’s completely still. He doesn’t even blink. It barely looks like he’s breathing.
His eyes shift up to her and he finally blinks, coming out of the trance,
“You… you weren’t…?”
Pomni tilts her head a little,
“What?”
“You weren’t telling me I caused-”
He looks down at himself and shakily gasps, gulping air as if it’s a precious, finite resource to savor. And Pomni doesn’t get it. What does he think she said? Did all of this happen because he misheard her? She tries to think back to her exact words.
“Have you ever thought that this is what causes people to abstract in the first place?”
What is there to misunderstand about that? Jax was sealing himself off, pushing her away, and she voiced her concern that he would abstract if he continued to-
Oh.
Jax didn’t realise that Pomni was talking about his own self-destruction.
“Are you seriously gonna blame me for something that everybody else did too?”
She wasn’t blaming him for anything. Did Jax… think that she was accusing him of killing the others?
“ Oh , no no Jax that’s not what I-”
“I did.”
Pomni freezes.
“W-what?”
“I killed him.”
“You… you killed Kauf-”
“I killed my best friend, Pomni. You were right. I made him abstract. Me. So just… stop throwing me a pity party. Go back out there and sit with the people who actually care.
I’m just a danger to you.”