Work Text:
It's… beautiful.
The world is beautiful.
The sky is beautiful; it shines blue. The clouds move slowly, as if a photograph.
The grass is green, greener than it would've been. The blades swing back and forth like a pendulum. The sun hits the ground—there's a yellow tint. Like the color of a sunflower. The sunflower faces east.
The trees look better than before. It gleams green like the field I stand in-- but it's different; I can see the difference. It lacks yellow. It's green, as green as it could be.
The view is irresistible. I couldn't look away. I wouldn't look away. It calls for my attention—and I'll happily indulge. A divine sight indeed.
I closed my eyes.
The view is gone now; I'm delighted to open my eyes again to take a glimpse-- but I don't open them.
The darkness is comforting. I feel the sun shining on my arm; there's a slight burning feeling, but it lets me know I'm still here. I'm still in the same spot. I didn't go, and I didn't leave. I stayed.
I hear them. I hear the swishes of the blades. It reminds me of an ocean. An alluring ocean. Where it gleams blue, similar to the sky. Yet I can tell it's deeper—it's darker. The sky seemed so close to me, like I could just grab it where I stood. I know I couldn't.
The ocean… Pair it with the sky. Everyone says it looks great. The sky would be azure, while the sea would be cerulean. They say it matches; it fits. But in my eyes, it doesn't. It doesn't fit-- it's a puzzle you forced to fit. It's too similar; it blends in too much; it blends terribly. The blue sky isn't right. Maybe a sunset would fit better. Orange and blue are complementary, aren't they?
I open my eyes.
The sunset I imagined is gone now. The sky is back to blue. But not the same color I glimpsed before. It's gloomy, but at the same time it isn't. I couldn't find a way to describe the shade. I suppose it feels empty. Not like what I wanted.
I wanted it light. Fresh. Not stale. Not tired. The sky is worn out-- like someone who lived their life to the fullest. The once joy was transformed into despair. Like it couldn't wait to be gone. To not stay.
Unlike me-- I could stay. I would stay. I should stay. I want to stay.
The clouds move, not fleetingly. It moved leisurely, like it had time, like it didn't need to rush. Its motion was barely noticeable. You would only notice it if you wanted to notice it. I noticed it. It strolls gradually. A graceful walk.
The color of the clouds was disappointing. It was dark like the sky now. The sky infected it. There was hardly any white on it anymore. I don't like it. It's bleak. It wants me to know I don't have much left—unlike them. Unlike the figures I see.
The trees live longer than me. Than humans. Than us. It's selfish for me to long for its capabilities. To yearn for how it sticks around. It won't move; it couldn't move. Unless by force. Unless you chop it down.
I wish I could stay. I wanted to. I am sorry I couldn't.
The grass seems louder now. The swish was louder now, uninviting. It wanted me to go. I wanted to stay-- yet they wanted me to leave. It was harder to stay put.
The view is disgraceful; it was appalling. I desire to look away--I need to look away. I don't know if it wanted my attention anymore. The spot filled me with abhorrence. The sight was an enemy, indeed.
I don't know if you wanted me to stay.
I don't know if I wanted for you to want me to stay.
I don't know what would happen if you wanted me to stay but I was gone.
I don't know what would happen if I were here but you wanted me gone.
I don't know.
My gaze turned into static. It hurt to look. It hurt to continue. I wanted to stay, but it hurt. I didn't want to stay because it hurts.
I wanted to stay for a chance to see it change to a beautiful form. I didn't want to stay to glance at its current form, unpleasant.
I don't know what I want. It changes fast. It changes too fast. I yearn for different things at once, but they all contradict each other. I couldn't have it all. I had to pick one. Just one option-- it was a depressing thought. It made me think of a child with an option to pick one candy out of four. The sweets were all good, maybe all bad, yet only one was to be picked, taken.
My eyes felt weird. The corners were vignetted now. I felt like I was seeing a simulation, an old game, or a pixelated video perhaps. One that was taken a long time ago. One that made you feel nostalgia. Nostalgia that wasn't comforting, a sight that made you feel dread.
I started to hear something. It wasn't the grass blades anymore; I didn't even notice that the sound was gone. I heard a melody. It kept repeating. It was easy for me to tune to it. I could infer the next beat and the next rise and fall of the pitches. The melody was comforting.
I didn't stay anymore.
My feet moved, and I started to walk towards the music. The music seemed to be coming from all directions. The sound waves were directed at me. I wasn't mad—the melody was great, something that could distract me.
The field was infinite. There was no end, it seems. There was no pathway or anything, no indication someone had been here before. The place was all mine, all mine to explore, all for me to find out.
The song kept on going on and I kept on walking.
The trees disappeared and reappeared again and again-- they looked the same each time.
The clouds don't seem to move anymore.
My eyes slowly distorted. The dark green trees now had a red and blue outline that was mixing. It's weird. It's odd. It needs to stop.
My vision went blurry and became focused again. I felt my eyes slightly tear up, but there wasn't any reason to. It was involuntary; I couldn't do anything.
I got frustrated and wiped my eyes. It was still wet. I did it again. It became worse. I stopped. It stayed the same.
The music looped again. I couldn't remember how many times it did. It was soft and quiet now. I tried to imagine the next change in the notes; I chased the satisfaction of no change. Doing the same thing over and over again. I walked and walked.
My feet didn't need to give up. I felt hope that I could go back. That I could feel happy.
The melody was different. But it was still the same. The melody was the same, but something was different. I could hum out the whole tune by now, but it didn't synchronize with the music. I knew I was singing the original melody.
It skipped and skipped. Skipped parts like it was nothing. Skipped parts like it forgot. Like it didn't remember. Like it just tried to connect two things, but it didn't give satisfaction. It didn't give the satisfaction I felt when the melody first started. It infuriated me.
It pained me no less. Having to continue while things change. I didn't like change. No.
I didn't like the sky changing, I didn't like the clouds shifting to another color, and I didn't like how the melody slowly succumbed to discomfort.
The music was disgusting. I couldn't make out anything. All I heard were distorted instruments. I couldn't even remember the beautiful tune of what it once was. I couldn't remember despite humming it for eternity.
I couldn't remember where I was.
I don't know what this place is.
I don't know why it belongs to me.
I don't know why I continued to walk.
I don't know why the trees were exactly the same as the ones I just walked past. It hurt me. It hurt my head. It hurt my chest. It hurt to keep going. I knew what I was going to see anyway. It repeated and repeated. But I didn't want to find out if it would change.
Just like how everything did. Just like how the world changed. The music. I didn't want to go forward. I wanted to go back. But I couldn't. It blocked me from doing so. It forced me to move. It forced me to keep walking through the fields.
It wasn't beautiful anymore.
I did not want to keep going. I wanted to stay where I was.
Heaviness fell on my chest. My stomach pulsed. It hurt to breathe, like it would be easier to stop now. I didn't hurt when I didn't breathe. I guess it didn't want me to keep going either.
The music got louder. It didn't help me. No one helped me. There was no one here. Just me. I didn't feel like a person at all; I felt like I was walking beside my body.
I felt lightheaded. Everything hurt, but barely. A subtle pain. I couldn't understand.
Everything hurts. But it barely hurts too.
Everything's changing.But nothing ever did.
I couldn't focus on where I was going.
I don't know if I was going forward anymore.
I just knew I was moving. Somewhere.
I don't know if I had control, if I was the one moving myself.
Or if something else was doing this to me.
What was happening?
Pain pulsed through me. It was there-- but it was quickly gone. The pain mocked me. It wanted me to feel it without knowing when. It wanted me anxious.
There was no hope, for I was doomed.
I had to keep going now. I couldn't stop anymore.
Everything became more and more confusing for me. Nothing made sense anymore. I couldn't make sense of anything.
The music echoed.
Everything was out of place, yet it was right. It fit in. I didn't match with this place.
Maybe that's why I feel this way-- its changing me. It wants me to be a part of this place. To be something one will encounter. Something to be remembered. Something infuriating. Something you want gone. Something you don't want to see-- never.
I felt the same way here. No, I didn't need to change; I fit in already.
The music continued, yet I didn't feel anything.
The pain lost hold of me. My happiness was already gone. Anger didn't burn me anymore.
I felt nothing. Empty. Disconnected from everything I once knew.
I should've felt infuriated with the same looping, distorted music. The once beautiful, now disappointing view in front of me. Having nowhere to go. Being trapped in this eternal.
I should've felt an ounce of joy. Finally finding someplace I belonged. A place I fit in. A place where I didn't need to change after all.
I should've felt pain. The never-ending fields I wander in. My thirst and hunger never caught up to me. I didn't feel anything anymore.
I don't know if it's for the best or for the worse.
The only thing I know is this is my destiny. What I was born for. I tried and tried so hard just to escape this reality, but I couldn't run.
I could've never escaped.
I was absurd to think I hold any value to anyone. I didn't. I should've just stopped. I should've never continued—I had no chance. I had no other fate. I couldn't change anything. I wasted my time.
In this limbo, there was no reason for effort. I don't have to try and try, just for nothing, just for disappointment.
In here, I know there is nothing beyond. This is a void, just giving me an illusion. That I'm still on the planet I was born on. This place doesn't exist, and neither did I.
Nowhere to be found, confusing, it isn't supposed to be here, just like me.
The music continued, and so did I.
It never stopped, and neither could I.
It served its purpose now, and so would I.
The sky never brightened again. The sun didn't show. The moon didn't show. Nothing was to be expected anymore.. And that was all I could ask for.
I hoped nobody would experience the same fate. Only I deserved this.
And so I kept on walking. Forever.