Chapter Text
How can truth set us free when lies are all we have?
How can time heal us when our days are running out?
-
PART ONE: THE STRANGER
CHAPTER ONE OF THREE
-
Luz adjusted the collar of her red blouse. The new fabric felt smooth and unworn between her fingers. She buttoned her cuffs and put her arms down, staring at herself in the mirror as she closed her closet door. Blinking a few times, she adjusted her face to try and make the bags under her eyes go away.
Brushing her fingers through her short auburn hair, Luz took deep breaths. She whispered to herself, “You can do this.”
She leaned in and squinted, observing her frowning lips. She curled them into a smirk, then let it fall. Disappointed, she opened her lips a little and smiled wide. Her teeth were showing and she almost looked excited. The strain in her cheeks worsened, so she let her faux-smile drop into a frown again.
Taking another deep breath, Luz puffed out her chest and said “Come on, Noceda. You’ve got all these people expecting big smiles from you. Get it together.”
She tried again, this time for a smaller smile. It was an easier expression to hold on her tired face. Looking as natural as she could muster, she nodded and reached to the folded clothes on her bed. Luz donned a green sweater and pushed her head through the slightly tight collar.
She slid her arms in and adjusted the collar of her blouse, pulling it over the neck of the sweater. Patting herself down to remove the wrinkles, she looked back in the mirror. The festive pullover read Christmas Magic and was adorned with snowmen, presents, and reindeer.
She closed her eyes and pushed away memories of holidays-past. Luz found it far more preferable to think of the things that would truly make her smile, like Amity and her mom and Eda and all her friends. They were always enough to get her through the darkest months.
Luz grabbed the remote and pointed it at the small TV in her bedroom. Before turning it off, she took one last look at the video playing on the screen.
A lush green field dotted with pink and amber flowers swayed in the wind. In the midground, oak and maple trees stood tall with their summer leaves, the sunshine peeking through. The gentle songs of her favorite video games accompanied the images, soothing her heart. She smiled softly at the sights.
Her eyes tilted up to the window behind the TV. It was dark outside and a whipping wind blew snowflakes through the air. Luz’s smile faded as reality set in, and she switched off the television. The music stopped and she turned toward the door. Her fingers shook a bit as she reached for the doorknob, and she hesitated. She clenched and unclenched her fist, again taking deep breaths.
It's fine. Luz thought to herself, lots of people don’t like winter, or Christmas. With a heavy sigh, she relaxed her fingers and whispered, “I just never thought I’d be one of them.” Finally putting on her practiced smile, she opened her bedroom door.
Immediately, a heavy smell of gingerbread wafted through her nose. It was like walking from one atmosphere into another. Her bedroom smelled of a summer-candle, a scent she bought in bulk when it was “in season.” If she tried to buy a candle today, all she’d find were winter scents like pine or cinnamon. Or gingerbread, for that matter.
Again, Luz shook away her thoughts and walked toward the kitchen. As she rounded the corner she jumped back a little: Her sister Vee was digging through the pantry and was blocking the entryway into the kitchen.
Vee looked up and smiled across her green face. “Feliz Navidad, Luz!”
Luz put on her practiced-grin and greeted Vee in kind, “Merry Christmas, Vee!”
“Hot plate!” Camila strode from the oven to the nearby kitchen-island. She announced her actions so her daughters wouldn’t get in the way. Luz was glad for the warning: she often felt in-the-way, especially during the holidays.
Still, the smell of a honey-smoked ham was worth a few dreary thoughts. And she couldn’t lie to herself: The holidays were a little easier with her found-family in tow. With the Boiling Isles nearing the end of a long rebuild and Luz in her first year at the University of Wild Magic, she had a lot of love to carry her through the winter.
The table was decorated and a few of Luz’s found-family were smiling and chatting the night away. Hunter and Gus were setting the table, Masha tuned their guitar as they and Willow discussed what carols they should sing. Amity was preparing a salad in the kitchen and flashed a smile to Luz. King, Hooty and Eda were hanging decorations along the windows while Lilith and Raine talked at the table.
Luz opted to stay out of everyone’s way and sat down with her cool aunt and Eda’s partner. Raine perked up and smiled, “We were just talking about you!”
Luz chuckled, “All good things, I hope?”
Lilith clasped her hands on the table and nodded. “We were discussing my temporal mechanics class, and how you’re far and above my best student.”
“Oh, you’re too kind.” Luz brushed off the compliment. “I guess I just have the most experience with time travel.”
“Now that the time pools have finally disappeared,” Raine pushed their glasses up their nose, “I imagine it’s a difficult subject to study?”
Lilith whipped out a textbook so quickly that Luz couldn’t tell where she had been storing it. “Actually, Luz has presented some fascinating theories about glyph combinations. The right one could open a temporal rift.”
Luz shook her head, “I don’t know, Aunt Lilith, it might be a dead end.” She sighed, “Learning King’s glyphs has been tough, and combos are a whole other story.”
Lilith lifted her book as Hunter placed a dish in front of her. “Thank you,” She said to him with a smile. Looking back at Luz, she asked, “You haven’t given up, have you?”
“No,” She shook her head, “It’s just not easy to see this working out. Plus, I have so many other classes. I’m glad I signed up for every track but it can be overwhelming, sometimes.”
With a comforting smile, Raine offered, “You’ve got all the time in the world. Uh,” They blushed a little, “Sorry. No pun intended.”
The three of them laughed, and Luz’s heart felt a little lighter.
As expected, dinner was marvelous. The whole family laughed and talked and ate as much as they could. Hooty had to be reigned in after trying to swallow the entire glazed ham, but he got the message.
Through it all, Luz stayed mostly quiet. She still wasn’t feeling her best, but also wanted to soak the night in. Every second they were all together needed to be imprinted onto her brain before those moments were lost in memory. An impossible task, to be sure: But Luz was happy to try.
Camila had cooked too much, as she always would. If only ten people were coming over, she’d cook for thirty and then berate herself when she forgot a single side-dish or someone's favorite pie. It was a strange cycle, but Camila always seemed to enjoy the process. Hectic as it could be.
Leaving the cleanup for later, everyone sang Christmas carols in the living room. The TV played a classic yule-log video and the snow fluttered outside the window. With their acoustic guitar, Masha led the family in the singing of carols. Four Christmases since Belos was defeated and everyone from the Boiling Isles knew the songs by heart.
Luz felt a lot brighter when everyone sang together. She wished her dad could see it.
A little timidly, Masha asked if they could play a song they were workshopping. They shrugged, “It’s sort-of Christmassy, but not super cheerful.”
Camila leaned forward in her rocking chair and smiled, “Masha, you sing wonderful music for us every year. Of course you can play your song!”
Masha blushed a little uncharacteristically. They started tuning their guitar, sticking their tongue out between their tooth-gap with a focused expression. With the right chords struck and with their back to the television yule-log, Masha strummed a melancholy tune. They hummed the melody, closed their eyes, and their voice quietly resonated throughout the room,
“A long December, and there’s reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last.”
Luz’s eyes widened a little. Masha had always been an impressive lyricist, and Luz worried that their song might hit too close to home.
“I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.”
They never opened their eyes, even as the room swayed to the rhythm or softly tapped their hands against their laps along with the riff. Luz took a quick glance at Amity, wrapped around her arm. Her smile was soft, warm and genuine. Something Luz hoped to replicate in the mirror earlier that night.
“And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it’s one more night in Hollywood. If you think that I could be forgiven: I wish you would.”
Luz visibly winced as Masha wove their tapestry of somber songwriting. She felt her arm twitch and tried to ignore her racing heart, along with Amity’s obvious reaction. Amity held on a little tighter and looked up at Luz for a moment. Luz looked away and forced a smile.
Masha continued their song, certainly quite the change of pace from the usual Christmas fare. Luz did her best to calm down, and she did: But it seemed the damage had already been done. If Amity didn’t already recognize how miserable Luz was, she certainly did now. Amity would probably get tired of it, the constant negativity. She’d have every right to leave. Luz was so trying, so unchanging, so deadset, so willfully unhappy-
“Wonderful!” Camila stood and clapped, shocking Luz from her desperate thought patterns. The whole room erupted in applause, and Masha finally opened their eyes.
They seemed surprised at the response and stuttered, “Th-thanks. I’m still working on it-” Their eyes went wide as Vee lunged into a hug, wrapping her arms around her partner.
“That was amazing, Masha!” The basilisk grinned, “I wanna play it with the band!”
Masha laughed, “It’s not really the kind of song we play on stage.”
Vee shook her head, ruffling her long blue hair against Masha’s. “I don’t care! Let the punk rock crowd boo us for playing a slow song!”
Going along with the group, Luz feigned a smile and forced out laughs like they were ragged coughs.
With hugs and kisses and promises to see each other again soon, the guests all dispersed. Masha and Amity stayed late to help Camila, Luz and Vee clean up. Camila insisted that they all simply sit down and relax while she tidied a bit. The bulk of the cleaning could wait until tomorrow.
As Camila packed food away, the two couples watched the snow fall outside from the warmth and comfort of the living room. Masha sat in the armchair and Vee sat on the floor, coiled up at her partner's legs and reaching up to hold their hand. Amity again leaned into Luz’s side on the couch and tried to give her some comfort.
“Luz?” Vee asked, “You haven’t said much all night. How’re you feeling?”
Amity snuggled up a little closer, clearly knowing the truth that Luz was not well.
Luz let her eyes fall a bit and said, “I’m… not one-hundred percent. But it was great to see everyone.” She laughed a little mournfully, “I guess winter is just slowing me down.”
“Holidays can be rough.” Masha nodded. “I’m glad we could all be together. I wish my family was this loving.”
Vee rested her chin on Masha’s lap and argued, “This is your family, Masha. No matter what.”
Masha smiled and petted their girlfriend’s thick mane. They turned back to Luz and continued, “Point stands, it’s not easy. You’ve got all this love and this cheerfulness in the air on Christmas. And sometimes…”
Luz carefully completed Masha’s thought, “...You feel like you don’t deserve it?”
They nodded in agreement.
“But hey, you’re right.” Luz tried to find the silver lining. “We do have amazing people, don’t we?”
After being oddly silent, Amity finally spoke up. “We do. But it’s okay to not be okay.”
Luz looked down into Amity’s golden eyes, her pale head resting on her side. She wrapped her arm a little tighter around Amity. “I know, I know. It’s just…” She took another calculated breath, “Everything grinds to a halt. You start thinking about the people that can’t celebrate the holidays with you, the ones who didn’t make it.”
Amity lowered her voice a bit, “Like your dad?”
She nodded and looked at the flurrying snow outside. Then she clicked her tongue to adjust her answer. “Him, and everyone else.” She hated talking about her guilt but they all brought it on. There was no stopping the trail of terrors. “Everyone Belos ever killed. I think about the fields of statues, petrified witches who never got a chance. I think about what I put everyone through, and trapping everyone here, and then I died, and then we won.” She chuckled, her favorite nervous response to her own anxiety, “Maybe I just need more time. I think it's getting easier, but I’m not sure. Glad I’m not alone in all this.”
With a small but honest smile, she looked down at Amity again. Luz blinked and her smile faded a bit. Amity was not wearing the warm and empathetic expression that she had expected.
Amity’s voice was still low but the tone was more dreadful. Her lips hung open for a moment before she asked, “...What do you mean?”
Luz raised her eyebrow, “I mean, I’m happy I have you to help-”
“No.” Amity pushed off of Luz and shook her head. She sat up and put her hands in her lap. “What do you mean… you died?”
Luz snapped her head away from Amity’s terrible gaze. She had just made the worst mistake, something she promised herself years ago that she’d never do.
She told the truth.
It was something she had happily kept bottled up. She wished for the snowstorms outside to burst the windows in and freeze her in place, so she’d never have to speak again. But here she was, trapped by her slip of the tongue. Amity needed an answer, she wouldn’t let it go.
Luz swallowed hard and tried, “There was… a moment. When we were fighting Belos.” She clasped her hands together in her lap and forced her words out of their cage. “I had to save the Collector. Belos… his, fungus, or whatever it was? It latched onto me. Before I knew it, I-I was…”
The weight of Luz’s story pressed heavily against the four of them. Of course, no one said a word. Amity was still staring at Luz with her mouth agape and jaw trembling. Barely above a whisper, she put the pieces together. “...The lights. Floating through Bonesborough."
Defeatedly, Luz nodded. In a vain effort to steer the conversation, she gently tapped her thighs and tried to stop her knee from bouncing. “But! The Titan, King’s dad: h-he brought me back. And you know the story from there.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Luz watched Amity clench her fists, tugging at the hem of her dress. Her voice was tight, “You told me the Titan gave you his power. You never said how he reached out to you.”
“I… uh…” Luz didn’t know what to say, so she took a breath and tried to recover. “I’m fine now. Nothing to worry about-”
“Don’t.” Amity’s words were sharp, now. “Don’t say you’re fine. I can’t believe…” She sighed roughly and turned away from Luz, running her hands through her silky hair. “I’m… I put so much out there. I tell you everything. You- Ugh!” She groaned and stood up, looking back down at Luz. She almost shouted, “Why don’t you trust me?!”
Luz felt shivers crawl up her spine. This wasn’t the response she expected. “Sweet potato, I-”
“Don’t sweet potato me! You-” She held up her hands and stopped herself from yelling. She turned and faced the window, taking slow and deep breaths.
As Luz’s heart raced, screaming to get out of her chest, Vee stood up and pulled Masha out of their seat. “Come on, Masha. Let’s give them space.”
Masha nodded, and the pair headed out of the living room. Vee carefully placed her hand on Luz’s shoulder before they left. Luz barely felt it.
For the first time in years, Luz’s back was in a corner. She couldn’t even stand, her legs were trembling so much. Amity hadn’t said anything further, so Luz had to ask. “Talk to me. Please.”
Amity shook her head, “That’s the problem. You don’t talk to me. You keep everything bottled up, and you lie.”
Luz shook her head, “I’m not a liar.”
“Keeping the truth from me is the same as lying.” Amity crossed her arms and took audible breaths. She still faced the window. “I’m not angry. I’m- I’m terrified. You kept this from me for years. I guess I should have asked more questions.”
Sniffing a little, Luz whispered, “...I didn’t mean to.”
Amity sighed and nodded, her voice warbling in her throat. “Yes you did. You thought you were protecting me, because you don’t think people should worry about you, or care about you, or love you. That’s not fair. And I’m tired of you pretending like you’re fine, when we both know you’re not.”
The truth was often a difficult thing for Luz to face, but she knew Amity was right. Her favorite response to any concerning question was I’m fine, don’t worry about me! There had been many moments when she opened up to the people she loved, the ones that foolishly loved her back. She didn’t regret those moments. But they had been dragged out of her. She was still so mean to herself, the constant ragging of a bullying voice in her head was pervasive. She’d have good days, but opening up to anyone other than her therapist was near-impossible.
In the deafening silence, Amity shook her head again. She walked to the front door and grabbed her coat from the hangar. As she donned it, and without looking at Luz, she quietly said, “I’m going home. Just… I’ll talk to you later. Feliz Navidad, Luz.”
Luz watched her leave the house but dared not stand or speak. When the house was finally quiet, Luz pulled her legs up on the couch and tucked her head between her knees. She wrapped her arms around her head and shivered in a fetal position. Tears flowed from her puffy eyes like a river free from a dam.
She heard footsteps approaching over her raspy breaths. Camila sat down on the couch and wrapped her arm around her trembling daughter.
Luz leaned into the embrace but didn’t lift her head up. Between her haggard breaths, Luz admitted, “I fucked up, mom.”
Camila shushed Luz as best she could, “No, don’t say that. You just had a fight. Couples fight all the time.”
“Not us.” Luz shook her head, “Not like this.” She wheezed and sobbed and blamed herself. “She’s right. I-I’m a liar. She- she left, I let her leave, I-”
“It’s okay, mija. it's not okay right now but it's gonna be okay.” Camila sighed and tried to rationalize. “Your dad and I had some tough fights too.”
Luz sniffed and finally looked up, “R-Really?”
Camila used her sleeve to wipe Luz’s tears away. “Si. Sometimes,” She chuckled, “I think you were the only thing we could agree on. We always came out of those fights understanding each other better.”
Luz looked away from her mom, “B-But, she’s right. I hid the truth from her. I didn’t want her to worry about me.”
“That’s what a relationship is, mija.” Camila tilted Luz’s chin up, “Being there for each other, fighting battles together. You’ve seen what shutting her out can do.”
“But-”
“Nope, no buts. The only butts are the ones sitting on this couch. Comprende?”
Luz couldn’t help but snicker at the terrible joke. “Okay, mom.”
“I mean it.” Camila leaned back a little and lowered her glasses, revealing her serious eyes. “I’m not saying you should treat Amity like she’s your therapist. But when she asks how you’re doing, or if something happens like…” She paused and swallowed, biting her lip, “Like what happened with Belos…”
She shook her head, “I…”
Camila took a deep breath. “I thought you would have told her by now.”
“I needed time.” Luz’s voice was raspy. She cleared her throat and said, “A day became a month, and then a year, and there just… there wasn’t a good time.”
Camila brought Luz in for another hug, this time in silence. Luz thought of the duality of the holiday, how it could be a beautiful adventure one moment, and a harrowing disaster the next. The only caveat was, Luz brought this disaster upon herself.