Work Text:
Among the things Papyrus was expecting to hear as he stepped through the door, none of them was low, steady hiccups followed by a bunch of snorted giggles. They were deep, heavy, and seemed to be coming from his overly squashy living room couch. He piped up, setting down groceries in their kitchen.
“Wh...Hello? Who’s in here? If you’re a friend of Sans’, I’ll let you off easy this time, but I’ve told Sans, you HAVE to send me a text. We have rules here!” Nothing. No response, at least, nothing vocal. There were the giggles again, and then when those died out, a few more deep hiccups.
Papyrus stepped out of the kitchen, peering down the hallway into their living room. Doing his best to make himself sound as big as possible, he shouted, “Listen! It is I, the great Papyrus, and I am one half of who lives here! If you’re going to invade our house, at least show yourself!” Where on earth did Sans go? Papyrus had been gone for maybe an hour, and Sans had the land speed of a caramel-coated rock.
Finally, the hiccups gave way to a sob, followed by a long moan from the living room. A long moan of his name.
Raising his eyebrow, Papyrus gingerly tip-toed into the living room to find the source of all the noise; his brother, Sans, laying facedown on the couch. That was only for a manner of speaking, because Sans was halfway off of the couch, his face buried in a pillow as he shuddered.
Papyrus was at his side quicker than a flash, hand on his brothers back. Trying and completely failing to hide the frantic concern in his voice, Papyrus pleaded, “Sans...Sans! Oh God, what’s wrong? Is it food poisoning? Did you not sleep last night? Is it poison poisoning!?” The pillow that Sans had chosen as the resting grounds for his face was damp, he noticed. Sans himself, actually, was damp with sweat; heat was radiating off of him like the man was on fire. “What HAPPENED, Sans!?”
With a muffled sob, Sans turned his head from the pillow, looking at Papyrus. “heh...pap...I can’t believe it. I’m seeing shit now, too. that’s great.” Sans sobbed again, wiping his face in the pillow.
“Sans? What are you on about, what’s wrong?” Papyrus pleaded, leaning closer to the sweaty mound his brother had become.
The sound that answered was halfway through a laugh and a shuddered inhale. “you’re dead, pap! you died. you’re dead and it’s all my faa-aaaaault!” Sans couldn’t hold it together long enough to finish the sentence, sinking his face in the pillow again.
Papyrus raised an eyebrow. Dead? Him? Quite impossible, seeing as he wasn’t dead to begin with. “Hey there. Heeeeey there, lazybones!” Papyrus strained, pulling his brother up from the pillow. He cradled Sans in his arm, tilting Sans’ chin up to look at him with his free hand. “I’m alive! See? I’m here and alive.” To drive it home, he grabbed one of Sans’ limp hands and patted it against his face. “Certified not-dead Papyrus, at your service!”
Sans stared, blinking slowly. Papyrus smiled at his brother, gingerly letting go of his head. Sans head lolled back the moment Papyrus let go, his sobbing resuming full force. “you were dead though! you died. i could’ve helped, but now you’re dead.”
Papyrus sighed in exasperation, lifting his brothers’ head back up. “Not dead, remember?”
Sans blinked, staring Papyrus in the face, his pupils dilated as wide as dimes. “oh...yeah.”
“See? We’re settled in the fact that we’re alive. Most of all, we’ve settled that I’m alive. Now, what happened? What did you do when I left for groceries? I told you I’d be home in an hour!” As he spoke, Papyrus stretched his shirt out to wipe Sans’ face clean. Whatever he’d done, it hadn’t been pretty.
“and then you died.” Sans replied, almost curtly.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” Papyrus heaved Sans up and flopped him onto the couch, positioning his head so he could see Papyrus clearly standing in front of him. “Roll it all back, okay? What happened when I left.”
Sans blinked slowly, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. “you left. you were gone. and then.........”
“And then?”
“yeah. and then i got a little bored, so i figured, why not get high?”
Papyrus huffed out of his nose. His brother was a fairly avid stoner, which Papyrus was fine with (provided he kept it in HIS room and nowhere else), but it never made him like this; mostly, it just made him eat all of the food in their fridge and the fall asleep in the doorway out of the kitchen. This was much...worse. Much more...Intense.
“But marijuana never gets you like this. If this is what it’s doing to you, I don’t think I can condone-”
“don’t i know it, bro,” Sans said, peering up at Papyrus, “i, uh...i ate some plant. some plant burgerpants gave me instead of the usual deal. said it was awesome and i had to try it, so...i listened to him.”
“You didn’t even know the NAME, and you ate this mysterious plant!? Do you have any idea what could have happened!? And WHY would you listen to a man named BURGERPANTS!?”
there was complete silence, and for a moment, Papyrus thought his lesson had sunk in.
Then, Sans piped up.
“you’re right, pap. i should be careful with plants.” Papyrus sighed, relieved he was getting through, before Sans continued, “one of these days, i might...soil myself.” He barely got out the punchline before he erupted in a fit of laughter, covering the sound of Papyrus’ exasperated sigh. He reached down, scooping Sans up in his arms. Sans, laughter fit gently dying, hooked his arms around Papyrus’ neck and buried the side of his head against his brothers shoulder. “i’m real glad you’re not dead, Papyrus. at least you. i mean, you were, and i’m glad you’re not now.”
Papyrus replied as he punched a name into his cellphone. “I’m glad I’m alive too, Sans! I’m best at my alivest. Most alive. ...I agree! But, hold on for a second. I need to call in a favor.”
“a favor-what? undyne? you can’t call undyne.” Sans said, as Papyrus called Undyne.
“He ate a WHAT!?” Undyne shouted, audible over Sans low cry of “undyne’s dead too” and the bapping of his hands away from the receiver. “I’ll be right over.”
“Thanks, Undyne, I really appreciate it. It’d be good to have someone else here until he-oh...” Undyne had already hung up, apparently in a rush to get over. Though, to be fair, Undyne WAS a rush.
No more than seven minutes had passed than a knock came pounding at their door. It was Undyne, panting raggedly and leaning against their doorway.
“Wowie! You...when did you run here?” Papyrus said, exasperated.
Undyne nodded. “Just about the moment you call-. . .Papyrus.”
Papyrus tilted his head, a narrow eyebrow raised. “Yes...?”
“Why are you holding him like a koala.” With a sharpened fingernail, she pointed to Sans, who was currently bundled in Papyrus arms, his own reaching around his neck.
“hey undyne. man, it’s a party now. so many people that i know who aren’t dead.” Sans chirped from Papyrus’ arms. There was a long pause before Sans said, “...two.”
“Quit saying that I’m dead! Or was! I’ve been alive since I was born!”
Undyne snorted, looking Papyrus up and down with her uncovered eye. “So, what did he eat? What’s he been doing?”
“Pretty much just...this. He’s just been snorting and giggling, and then sobbing and telling me that I died when I left for groceries.” Papyrus rested Sans into a chair at their dinner table; Sans more collapsed than sat into it, but he kept eyes trained on Papyrus. That was good. Maybe he was coming out of it. “And he’s been sweating like an animal! It’s gross! I thought, perhaps, some food would help him out. I wanted to save the rigatoni for Saturday night, but...Actually, can you watch him, while I work on that? The sauce should be coming out right now! It’s the best part, next to the entire meal!”
“No problem! You can trust me to keep my eye on him; it’s not like I have any others to distract me!” She said, tapping her eyepatch. With that, Undyne sat opposite Sans and engaged what looked, to many, like the most intense staring contest of the century.
Moments after Papyrus left the room, Sans eyes filled with panic and his head snapped to Undyne.
“undyne!” he shouted.
“Sans!” Undyne shouted back.
Tears filled his eyes. Undyne raised an eyebrow.
“papyrus is dead,” he said.
“NO!” said Undyne, agape.
“yes!” came Sans reply, as his head flopped onto the pillow Papyrus had set, prepared for the event. “he died, and so did you!”
“I died too!?” Undyne said, her eye filling with a tear, apparently selling herself on her own mockery. “I can’t believe I’m dead!”
Papyrus stepped back into the room, pan full of fresh cheese-and-sausage rigatoni and face full of confusion. “What’s happening?”
Undyne threw her arms up in defeat, her tearful shout of “We died!” matching with Sans’ deject hiccup of the same news.
Papyrus almost dropped the pan as he shouted, “Not you too!”
Undyne snapped her head, still full of tears. “Yeah! Sans just told me!”
Papyrus sighed. This was going to take longer than he’d thought.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
About an hour later, Papyrus collapsed on the couch next to Undyne, letting out a long sigh. He’d finally managed to get Sans to come up the stairs and go to bed; something that he only agreed to do when Papyrus told him he would carry him to his bed.
“I’m not tired,” Sans protested.
“I know, but try and sleep, alright? Get...whatever you ate out of your system!” Papyrus replied, lowering Sans onto his mattress.
The only reply he received was loud snoring. Sans fell asleep faster when he was high, apparently, and that speed went up from ‘high’ to ‘instant’.
“He asleep?” Undyne asked. Papyrus nodded, slumping as Undyne threw on some late-night talkshow.
Undyne smiled. “He should be better by morning, then. Even if he doesn’t know what he had, it should be out of his system by then, at least. I’ll stay the night, though! Can’t let my friends poison themselves, you know?”
Papyrus laughed, his eyes already half-lidded. “It’s...good you always know what to do, Undyne. I’ve never had much experience with drugs...”
“Papyrus, you’ve never had experience with most things.”
“Mm.” Papyrus was already asleep.
Undyne laughed, tilted her head back, and opened her mouth to say something, before passing out herself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the morning, Sans limped downstairs, wiping sleep from his eyes. Normally, the house was silent at this hour-Papyrus usually went for his after-breakfast jog, or Sans had woken up early enough to catch him on his pre-breakfast jog. This morning, though, it was a chorus of snores. Pouring himself a glass of milk and investigating the noise, he found his brother and his brother’s boxing-instructor-turned-best-friend asleep on the couch, Undyne’s head slumped on Papyrus’ shoulder and Papyrus loudly snoring, his head back against the couch.
“huh.” Sans wondered aloud, taking a sip of milk. “wonder what kept them up so late?”