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Returning with frost-bitten fingers and flushed cheeks, the pair trudged silently. The occasional crunch of leaves was the only thing to fill the space. All Nat could offer to Travis was guilt-ridden apologies—feverish words that wouldn’t lead them to Javi. She kept her tongue glued to the roof of her mouth, afraid of what might spill otherwise.
The nights had been getting colder and this night was no exception.
In the past few weeks, she’d become accustomed to the shame. Disappointment plaguing the cabin, every time she returned empty-handed. Her own guilt only worsening as she heard the other girls stomachs grumble unforgivingly. But this, this was worse. The way Travis had looked at her, as if every flaw of hers had bubbled to the surface. All her ugliness now on display; buzzing beneath her clothes.
Her fingers curled into the fabric of her sleeves, as the soon-to-be winter air nipped at her skin. She held her hands together against her lower abdomen, almost like she was surrendering herself. Appearing as a sacrifice—all ready for slaughter.
The outline of the cabin came into view, blending into the night sky; save for the soft glow in the windows from lanterns and the fire. Her weary bones ached for rest. The promise of sleep kept her feet moving. One foot after the other.
Then, as she neared, something else came into view. A figure huddled on the ground. She blinked once, then twice, confirming it was there. Moving closer, she was able to see the face—Jackie. The girl's features illuminated by moonlight and a dwindling fire. Flames that flickered lazily, approaching their end. Jackie shivered, her grip tightening on her blanket.
Her eyes narrowed at the sight of Jackie. All her rage rising all the way up to her throat, trying to claw its way out. Nat pressed her lips together in a thin line; halting the string of insults.
Travis looked away, unable to muster the courage to meet Jackie's eye.
Without a word, he walked towards the cabin. Nat's gaze faltered for a moment, landing on Travis, before falling back onto the girl. For a brief second, their eyes met.
Nat bit her cheek, quickly averting her eyes forward. She didn't spare Jackie a second glance, beelining to the door. When her hand reached for the door, a taste of metallic flooded her mouth. Droplets of blood mixing with her saliva. She swallowed the metal taste, pushing open the cabin door.
The cabin was silent. Bar the crackling fire and occasional snores, not a single noise was emitted. The tension was palpable. One creaky floorboard seemed that it would make the peace snap; like a rubber band that had been tugged too far. Nat became too aware of her breathing, trying her best to stifle the deep breaths. With cautious steps, she reached her own designated place.
She sank to the floor, head settling on the pillow, before pulling her worn blanket over herself.
Her body welcomed the minimal heat appreciatively. She softened on the floor, trying her best to welcome rest.
Yet as she closed her eyes, glimpses of Jackie filled her vision. How she'd looked so smug, when Nat had confronted her about what she had said to Travis. Then, how truly helpless she appeared, shivering on the ground—pathetic, almost.
Nat tried to anchor herself on the first Jackie. The mean, spiteful girl who'd ruined her relationship with Travis. Maybe one night in the cold would do her good. Teach her not to break other people's toys. That all the years of her parents spoiling her, didn't matter out here.
It was hard to grasp to this version, however. That wasn't Jackie. Not really.
Jackie was the girl who'd handmade her entire grade valentines in middle school. So much so that glitter clung to her for weeks after—even after numerous showers. Sometimes, when Nat passed her desk to sharpen her pencil, she'd catch a shimmer of glitter on the table.
She'd also been Nat's best friend in first grade. Just as the other kids had begun to tease her, Jackie looked past the ragged clothing, and asked if Nat wanted to jump rope with her. A gesture that remained with Nat, years later.
When christmas time came, Jackie didn't care that she'd gifted Nat a brand new stuffed animal, only to receive a handmade card in return. In fact, she'd smiled like it was the best gift in the world. That was who Jackie was, annoyingly enough.
Nat wished that she could write her off as a villain and move on with her night, but it was never that easy.
Still, she didn't move from the floor. What was one more bad deed to her list of many?
Rotten girls like her would never go to heaven.
She nestled into her pillow further, forcing her eyes shut. She pushed down whatever guilt knotted in her stomach. She'd already spent her life with a near permanent stomach ache.
Her jaw clenched. Had it ever not?
She imagined herself at six. Wobbly toothed with scuffed knees. How even before the age of ten, she'd already learned how to survive her father's anger. The same six year old who'd been welcomed each day at school with a smile and a wave—courtesy of Jackie.
As if waking from a nightmare, Nat shot up. Her heart drummed loudly in her ears, as she pushed herself up from the ground.
Without much more thought, she wandered outside, surprising even herself with this.
"You need to come inside." Her voice came out harsh—demanding.
Jackie didn't so much as turn around, she merely stared at what had once been a fire. "It's Jeff's." Jackie bitterly muttered.
"What?"
This time, Jackie swivelled her head. "Shauna's baby. It's Jeff's." She spoke the words as if they were poisoned.
Nat would be lying if she said she wasn't taken aback. A small, vengeful part of her saw it as payback. That Jackie was deserving of her current fate, after all she'd done to sabotage her and Travis. Yet, she almost loathed herself for thinking as such. "Just come inside, it's God damn freezing out here."
"Not until Shauna apologises."
"And if she doesn't?"
The words hung sourily in the air. Rotted like fruit you'd left a day too long. By Jackie's silence, it seemed that she hadn't even considered this. Hadn't debated for a moment whether Shauna would apologise. It seemed like a given.
With a quiet sigh, Nat sat beside Jackie on the floor. "Come on, you have to come inside." She tried to persuade, "Shauna's the one who fucked Jeff, so why should you sleep outside?"
"They're all fucking crazy-pants in there." Jackie spoke, "they want me to to be grateful. Well there's nothing to be grateful for out here."
Yet Nat could list numerous things to be grateful for: that they'd found shelter, they had water, that they had food even if minimal, and they were alive. She said none of this to Jackie. Miserable or not—which to be clear, she was pretty fucking miserable—she still understood how fortunate they were.
"They just—" Nat paused, trying to find the exact words, "they need some hope." She breathed out.
She wasn't convinced by the whole idea; religion really had never been her thing. Still, she understood why they gathered around to say grace. In a sense, she wished she could to, and truly believe it.
Jackie's lips pursued, stubbornly averting her gaze.
"You used to cry when ladybugs died." Nat abruptly said.
Turning back, Jackie gave her a look that said she thought she was crazy—which Nat probably was, at this point.
"In first grade, whenever kids crushed ladybugs, you would hold funerals for them." She explained. “How can you sleep outside?"
"That was over ten years ago, a lot's changed since then."
A lot had changed. For one, her and Nat weren't best friends anymore, but that hadn't lasted very long in the first place. That brief blip of friendship bared more importance than Nat would ever care to admit. "You've not changed though."
"Shauna still fucked Jeff." Jackie seethed.
The blonde rolled her eyes, "and he's some stupid guy, you'll find a million other shitty boyfriends in your lifetime, no need to miss this one." Nat pointed out.
"She is—she was my best friend." She mumbled.
Then it all clicked for Nat. Jackie couldn't care less about some guy, what she was truly upset about was Shauna. Of course it was. Nat crossed her arms. The same jealousy she'd felt in the second grade, all came flooding back to her. She almost felt as if she was in her adolescent body again, crying because Jackie partnered with Shauna in gym class.
"And that sucks, really sucks, but none of that shit matters." Nat stated, "It can't matter." She added—as if to convince herself of it.
When she took a moment to step back and take in the situation, it all seemed so ridiculous. They were in a life or death situation. Laura Lee had died. Moreover, here they were, arguing over boys. When they should be worrying over their next meal, they were bickering over which Ken belonged to which girl.
"Look, I know how you feel. Trust me I really do." The blonde began, "but when we're out here, all we've fucking got is each other. Laura Lee died to try save all of us, so that has to count for something, right?"
"None of the others have come outside."
"But I did."
Jackie let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding, her warm exhale turning into smoke in the chilly outdoors. She'd turned Travis against Nat—made her out to be some sort of slut—before fucking him, but Nat was the only one to come see her.
"I hate the cold anyways." Jackie whispered, before standing up. With her blanket around her shoulders like a cape, she extended a hand to Nat, helping her up. Leaning down, Jackie grabbed her pillow. Her makeshift bed now completely gone.
Nat didn't bother to hide the hint of a smile on her chapped lips. "For what it's worth, I'm sure Shauna will come around eventually."
An 'I hope so' played upon Jackie's tongue, however she settled for a brief nod. Why had her and Nat stopped being friends anyways?
Together, they walked to the cabin. When Jackie seemed to pause at the door, Nat push it open for her. Standing behind her as if to block her escape route. Entering the cabin, everyone was pretty much passed out by then.
Taking Nat by surprise, Jackie settled herself near her. Close however still giving her personal space. Hovering around Nat as if she was her protector.
Albeit warmer, the cabin was far from her fluffy pyjamas and soft blankets at home, something Jackie reminded herself of as she situated herself.
"I would kill for a hot chocolate right now." She whispered.
"Me too." Nat agreed.