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Buck woke up with a groan and rubbed his eyes before reaching across for his boyfriend to find a cold, empty side of the bed. He sat up on his elbows to look around the room finding it just as empty.
His stomach churned uncomfortably. This was the third morning in a row that he’d woken up alone.
Two months into their second go around together Tommy had asked him to move in. Buck had genuinely thought it was a joke given what happened when they broke up and actually laughed in Tommy face (which he still felt bad about). But he was serious.
Through the therapy that Tommy had sought out after they first broke up and had continued through them getting back together, he’d learned to be a little less scared of getting hurt and to work through the fear he did still have.
So, Buck moved in to Tommy’s house and their relationship went from strength to strength. They actually talked. They talked about their past and their desires for their future, the things they loved about one another and the things they didn’t like. They laughed and cried and argued but they both stayed.
They became closer than either of them had ever been in previous relationships and even after a year Buck still would become giddy when his shifts ended and he knew he was going to home to his man. Things were wonderful. At least that’s what Buck thought until now.
Something was off about Tommy. Every morning, even if they’d had a fight the night before, they’d spend their first moments awake in each other’s arms. Sometimes just enjoying occupying the same space with soft kisses and delicate stroking of skin, other times slowly and lazily taking each other apart.
But Buck had woken up again to his boyfriend being gone. The first time he said that he’d promised Lucy that he’d go for an early morning run and had forgotten. The second time he said he’d had a call from Sal needing help with his car.
Buck knew he was lying.
Tommy was famous for holding his cards tightly to his chest—he’d had to for many years. But over time he’d learned to trust his heart in Bucks hands and had let true self be free, which allowed Buck to get to know him on a deeper level. Buck saw the nuances and micro expressions that gave away how Tommy was feeling. Including when he wasn’t telling the truth. He’d never lied to Buck as far as Buck was aware, more polite little lies to get out of events or things he didn’t want to go to.
That old Buck, who was insecure and terrified of being left again, rose its ugly head. Things with Tommy had been so good that of course it was inevitable that the other shoe would drop.
As he got ready for his shift he tried to think of anything he had done wrong. Had he been too affectionate with Tommy and he felt suffocated? He’d recently been bugging Tommy about going on vacation somewhere—had it annoyed him?
Early in their reconciliation Tommy had told him that his running ahead in their relationship scared him and he needed Buck to slow down a bit and talk things like next steps through. Was all the vacation talk too much for Tommy?
On the drive to work he chastised himself for being so stupid. Tommy had been open about how he felt and what he needed and Buck had done what he always did and ran ahead not thinking about how his boyfriend would feel. And by the time he’d pulled into the 118 parking lot he knew in his heart Tommy was going to end things.
He pulled his hold-all out of the car, the weight of it seeming to mimic his emotional state, and trudged into the station. He was taken by complete surprise when he saw Tommy walking down the stairs from the mezzanine.
A more mature Buck would had walked over to him, greeted him and had an adult conversation about what was going on. But the heaviness in his chest prevented him from doing that and instead he chose the less mature option and hide. He slid behind one of the engines and waited until Tommy left the building before emerging. Dumping his bag in his locker he went straight to Bobby’s office.
“Buck. You’re here early.“ he sounded surprised.
“Was Tommy just here?”
“Uh, yeah. Chief wants to put on a recruitment drive and sent Tommy to collect some paperwork.”
It sounded plausible. Tommy had mentioned something a week or 2 ago about a recruitment drive so it made sense. But still, that insecure part of him wondered if it was the truth.
“I think Tommy is going to break up with me.” He blurted out.
Bobby looked back at him in surprise. “What makes you think that?”
“He’s being weird. The last few days he’s been.. I dunno, distant. He-he’s been getting up before me and lying about why. He’s barely responded to my texts and, I dunno, just seems.. off.”
“And you think that means he doesn’t want to be with you anymore?”
Buck waved his hands in the air, dropping them against his legs with a slap. “What else could it be? This is exactly how it happened with Abby. You were there, you-you saw how out of my mind I went wondering.”
“I remember. But Tommy isn’t Abby.”
“I know that, Bobby. But he’s.. he’s the love of my life.” His eyes met Bobbys, wet and threatening to spill. “What I felt for Abby or even Taylor was nothing compared to how I feel about Tommy. It-it damn near broke me when he ended things the first time and I didn’t even realise I was in love with him. This time? I-I don’t.. I can’t.. it would kill me, Bobby.” He sniffed and wiped away a rogue tear that had escaped.
Bobby stood up and rounded the desk, placing a fatherly hand on Buck shoulder.
“Buck, I’ve known Tommy and long time, and much like you he’s come a long way. I told you before he’s good people and I meant it. Even more so now because of how happy he makes you. I have zero doubt in my mind how committed he is to you.”
Buck hadn’t realised just how much he needed to hear those words coming from Bobby. Everybody else probably would have said the same thing but Bobbys words would always have more weight.
“Tell you what, I think he said he was off shift today?” Buck nodded. “Okay. Take the day off and go talk to him.”
Buck quickly looked at him. “What? No I can’t leave you a man down.”
“I’ll bring in Ravi, I’m sure he won’t mind.”
Buck sighed. He didn’t want to go home. Home meant confronting the situation which, though he knew was immature, he didn’t want to address. If he didn’t address it then it wasn’t real. If he didn’t address it then there was no risk of Tommy breaking up with him.
But that would mean spending the whole shift in limbo, not knowing what was happening and working himself up into a worse state which wouldn’t be useful to anybody.
“Okay.” He decided. “Thanks Bobby.”
“Let me know how it goes.” He called out as Buck left this office. When Bucks footsteps faded away, Bobby grabbed his phone and frantically dialled.
“Bobby, hey. Didn’t I just leave you?” He chuckled.
“Yeah. Uh, you might want to bring your plan forward.”
“What? Why? How far forward?”
“How does 45 minutes from now sound?”
“45 minutes?! What the hell?!” Bobby pulled the phone away from his ear at the volume of Tommy’s voice.
“Buck just came into my office upset thinking that you’re about to break up with him.”
“What? That ridiculous given-“
“I know that. And you know that, but he doesn’t. I gave him the day off because I couldn’t trust his head would be in the right place.”
“So gave him the day off. Shit.” Tommy exclaimed. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Okay, okay, I’ll.. do something. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Yeah. Good luck.”
*****
Buck pulled into the driveway, parking his jeep behind Tommy’s truck, and just sat there starring ahead. His stomach was twisting in painful, nauseating knots at the prospect of what was going to happen when he walked through the door. Rain had begun to pour and the sound of it loudly bouncing off the jeep roof did nothing to drown out the sound of his own thoughts.
He wasn’t perfect, he knew that, but he really thought that things were good between him and Tommy. That he’d found someone who loved him despite his flaws.
He blew out a big breath and wiped his eyes, shaking his head to center himself. As he reached to open the door suddenly the passenger door opened and a half soaked Tommy got in, closing the door behind him.
“Jesus, you scared me. What are you doing? I was about to come in.”
“Bobby called me.” He said softly.
“Oh.” Embarrassment filled his chest and flushed his cheeks. He looked down, not being able to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. “What.. what did he say?”
“That you think I’m going to break up with you.”
This was it. This was the moment Buck was dreading. He used everything in him to raise his head and look Tommy in the eyes.
In a shaky voice he spoke “Are you?”
Tommy’s face softened and he leaned closer cupping Bucks cheek with his hand. “Evan, no.”
“But-but you’ve been distant with me the last few days.”
Tommy dropped his hand from Bucks face and took ones of his hands instead.
“I know, and I’m sorry.” He brushed his thumb over the top of Bucks hand.
“What’s going on, Tommy? We promised each other when we got back together that we would talk and be honest about things. Even if it was bad.”
Tommy took a few seconds to respond. “I had this thing all planned out and I was going to surprise you this weekend. I’ve been distant because I was afraid just looking at you I wouldn’t be able to resist blurting it out.”
“Blurting what out?”
Tommy let go of Bucks hand and reached into his pocket to reveal a small black velvet box. Buck forgot how to breathe for a second seeing it. More embarrassment coursed through him and he felt like an idiot. He’d convinced himself that Tommy was going to break his heart but instead..
“I was going to fly us to the Big Sur and take you on a hike and do this with a view.. but the back of my truck will have to suffice.” He chuckled pointing to his truck parked in front.
Buck didn’t laugh. He didn’t do anything other than stare at the box in Tommys hand, wondering if he’d had an accident on the way home and this was another coma dream.
“Evan, I spent so much of my life living in fear. Being sacred of everything. Scared of being me, scared of others seeing the real me and being utterly so terrified of falling love that I built cast iron walls around my heart. And then.. and then I get a call from Howie and suddenly I’m looking at your beautiful face,” he smiled as he tapped Bucks chin with a curled finger, “and my world shifted. I know we’ve had our.. challenges, but every day I wake up more astounded by you and more in love with you than I thought possible. So,” he opened the box, revealing a simple tarnished silver ring.
“Evan Buckley-“ Tommy’s voice started to shake as he came to the most important part. “Will you do me the honour of becoming my husband? Will you marry me?”
His wet eyes looked expectantly at Buck who had given up trying to contain his emotions, tears travelling down his cheeks, his chin wobbling. Somehow, more love erupted from Bucks heart, filling his whole body.
“Yes.” In contrast to the uncertainty he’d been feeling up until a few minutes ago, his answer was clear and confident. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind about marrying this man.
“Yeah?” Tommy questioned as though he couldn’t quite believe himself that Buck has said yes.
“Yeah.” Buck nodded with a smile wider than the Grand Canyon.
Tommy took his left hand and slid the ring onto Bucks finger. He looked back up and his fiancé and again cupped his face. “I love you, Evan.”
Buck thumbed away the tears from Tommy’s cheeks. “I love you too.” He grabbed Tommy by the shirt and pulled him into what would be his favourite kiss they shared.
Until the one at the alter 8 months later as husbands.
“Wait,” Buck pulled his lips back from Tommy’s. “Why were you really at the station earlier?”
Tommy smiled knowingly. “Getting you the weekend off.”
Buck dipped his head and laughed at himself. “Bobby knew?”
“Who do you think helped me pick the ring?” Tommy informed him with a chuckle.
“So, we still get to go to Big Sur?”
“Yeah. Or-“ Tommy’s voice dropped to that tone that always made bucks blood buzz in his veins. “We could spend the weekend in bed celebrating.” His lips met Bucks neck and he shivered response.
“Bed.” He panted. “Definitely bed.”