Chapter Text
This isn’t the first networking party Yoonchae has to attend, and it’s unlikely to be the last.
The place is crowded. Designer brands everywhere. Hot, sweaty bodies writhing and grinding. The music is almost deafening, and despite all of the windows being open, it is torturously hot.
Attending these events is part of her job, and although sometimes Yoonchae admits she has a good time, most of the time, she just feels like a fish out of water.
The whole point of these parties is to do networking, but her English is still not good enough to hold a conversation for more than two minutes with anyone other than her members. So she just ends up feeling exhausted and useless after every event, which gets pretty repetitive and sad after the fifth time.
At least the girls always do their best to make her feel comfortable, Yoonchae tells herself.
Sophia and Manon are almost maternal about it, always looking out for her. Lara and Daniela, on the other hand, are more like older sisters trying to lead her astray. Then there is Megan, who usually drags her to any place away from noise to talk about everything and nothing until Yoonchae forgets about the rest of the world. That is usually her favorite part of these parties.
Talking about Megan.
Almost instinctively, Yoonchae looks around for her. She is not sure when she became so close to her, or rather, dependent—that’s probably the right word. A year ago she wouldn’t mind being away from Megan, but now she is almost attuned to her; it’s just second nature to search for her out of the corner of her eye and try not to lose sight, or to jump in recognition at that loud laugh. Despite pretending it bothers her, she enjoys Megan’s presence.
Unfortunately, she is nowhere to be seen. She hasn’t been for ages now. Promptly ditched them as soon as they arrived to disappear into the dance floor.
Yoonchae doesn’t realize she is frowning and pouting until someone elbows her.
“What’s up with that face?” Lara asks, leaning in so that she can hear her.
“Where is the rest?” Yoonchae asks, trying to sound indifferent. She does not want to look clingy or desperate. If Megan knows she is looking for her, she’d tease her about it forever, and that is the last thing she needs.
“Dani, Manon, and Sophia are dancing. I am here. And, uh, Megan...” Lara looks around, bringing a mysterious drink to her lips. “I don’t know.”
Yoonchae presses her lips together and tries not to act disappointed. “Oh. Great.”
Lara smiles teasingly and tosses her hair. “Do you want to go home, big baby?”
Yoonchae rolls her eyes, combing her hair. “I want to sleep.”
“Hold on a little longer, Yoonchip. If Sophia and Manon keep drinking, we’ll leave faster than you think.”
After a long and dramatic sigh, Yoonchae nods, watching the girls dancing among the crowd. The party is far from over, and the place is only going to get packed from here. Just the thought makes Yoonchae sigh again. She just wants a moment alone; that is all she needs: four or five minutes far from all the noise and people.
Yoonchae excuses herself and begins making her way through the crowd. She turns her head in slow motion and tries to locate the bathroom. Downstairs, she thinks. There must be a bathroom there. Her hand slides down the railing as she sinks down the staircase, and the music starts to fade out. Down there, it’s quieter.
The first level isn’t nearly as crowded as it was upstairs. Yoonchae does not take long to find a door that appears to be the bathroom door, and maybe if she were less tired, she’d knock on the door before opening it. Unfortunately, her mind is too busy going from 'I miss my comfy bed' to 'where is Megan?' to even care about manners right now. So she just opens the door, and—and her body freezes halfway at the sight of two girls kissing passionately against the sink of the bathroom.
Yoonchae opens her mouth, then closes it.
Well, this is awkward.
Swallowing, she takes a step back. The logical thing to do would be to mind her business and close the door.
And that is exactly what she is about to do until her eyes lock on a very familiar head.
Yoonchae squints her eyes, trying to determine the possibility of it being who she is almost positive it is. In her head, she tries to reason. There is no way that girl is Megan, she tells herself. There is no way that Megan, of all people, is almost getting devoured by another girl right in front of her.
But it is hard to deny the familiar dark hair with pink highlights, the slim waist, and the long legs. Yoonchae recognizes the way she stands, the way she leans, and her hands that are gripping onto the hair of the other girl like her life depends on it. And when Yoonchae switches her angle of approach, her side profile is the confirmation she needed. The eyelashes, the nose, the lips. That’s Megan.
That’s Megan kissing a girl.
Yoonchae’s eyes expand as big as saucers, and she is almost positive her jaw drops.
Again, the logical thing to do would be to run away and forget she just saw this. But then their lips part, and Megan leans back, and Yoonchae can only stand there, staring like a creep. Staring at Megan’s face: wet with spit and still so beautiful, sleep-soft eyes and red-streaked lips like sin. Her hair’s a mess, there is a dazed little pout on her face, and she looks ruined. Disheveled.
Megan shifts her gaze to the side, and then—then she meets her gaze and freezes in place, her shoulders immediately tensing up as she stares at her.
Yoonchae opens her mouth to say something like 'sorry,' but all that comes out is an awkward 'um.' She really needs to get better at translating her thoughts into words. But it probably wouldn’t be any help right now, would it? Her mind is as blank as a newly erased etch-a-sketch and honestly, what is she supposed to say right now? Sorry I caught you kissing a girl? That sounds ridiculous.
Megan starts, visibly guilty, like she’s been caught doing something she knows she shouldn’t be.
Yoonchae’s heart is beating fast in the thick quiet that follows. Her breath is shallow. Her chest feels tight. She isn’t sure how much time passes like that: Yoonchae, staring at Megan; Megan, staring back.
“Oh—fuck. we—” the other girl present pipes in as soon as she notices her presence, sheepishly interrupting the tense mood.
Yoonchae finally takes her eyes off of Megan, registering she’s had her mouth open this whole time. She shuts it as soon as she realizes and swallows thickly. “I—I am sorry,” she blurts out, but it probably sounds like a mumble.
It does not matter.
Yoonchae doesn’t wait for a response from Megan before closing the door and running away as fast as she can.
For the rest of the party, they don’t speak. In fact, Yoonchae does her best to avoid Megan for reasons she cannot explain (embarrassment, maybe?), and she actually succeeds. Or well, at least she is until they all get into their van and Lara steals her seat, forcing her to sit next to Megan, the sides of their thighs pressed together. Yoonchae shivers at the warmth and proximity and gulps too.
The ride home is silent for the most part. Manon and Daniela are almost asleep against each other, Lara is humming a song Yoonchae doesn’t know, Sophia is taking selfies, and Megan... well, she is just there, strangely quiet.
“Yoonchae.” Megan calls her name softly, low enough for only her to hear it.
Shit, Yoonchae thinks, and doesn’t even allow herself to feel bad about cursing because fuck. Maybe she spoke too soon. Megan has never been good at keeping quiet.
Yoonchae slowly turns her head from the window to stare at Megan. “Yes?” A stilted beat. She almost winces at the awkwardness of it.
There’s a look in Megan’s eyes, more shy than normal, and a smile that clearly attempts to hide her nerves and concern. “Um, about what you saw—”
“No worries.” Yoonchae cuts her off, her voice a little too small and shaky for her own liking. That is what she’s supposed to say, right? She’s been avoiding this conversation all night simply because she doesn’t know what to say, or what to think, or what to feel.
If Lara heard her thoughts right now, she’d surely scold her. You’re not supposed to feel or think anything, you fool, she’d say, and deep down, Yoonchae knows it’s true. That’s the most frustrating part. When Lara came out to her, Yoonchae did not have such a reaction. Then why is it so different with Megan? Why is she acting so strange? Whatever Megan’s sexuality is shouldn’t change anything between them.
“It is fine.” Yoonchae adds, forcing a smile and hoping it looks genuine.
“Really? Because I... I think we should—”
Yoonchae’s mouth feels a little dry, but she fights through it and clears her throat. “It’s fine, Megan. Really,” she says with enough firmness that Megan doesn’t interrupt this time, because she really does not want to have this conversation. Not now. Her head races with a thousand thoughts a second, and she is too tired to try to translate them into words.
Megan nods stiffly and keeps her chin tipped up. “Thanks,” she replies, an awkward sincerity threaded through the syllables. She doesn’t look so worried anymore. “I am glad you understand.”
I am glad you understand.
Yoonchae wants to laugh because she really does not understand. Something claws up her throat. She wants to ask Megan a lot of things. So do you like girls? Or do you just like to kiss them? That girl was your girlfriend? Something is rooting her to the spot even when the van stops. Yoonchae is going to do it; she’s going to vomit all the questions she has.
But then, just when she is about to open her mouth, a member of the staff opens the door, Megan laughs about a joke Manon makes, and the words that were clawing up to her mouth get stuck in the back of her throat.
Whatever, Yoonchae thinks. Megan being into girls should not be such a big deal.
Except it seems to be such a big deal.
For the past week, and all the hours that Yoonchae has been awake, she hasn’t not thought about Megan kissing a girl. It lingers in her mind: the heavy breathing, the slick sound of lips crushing into each other, and the wandering hands on hair and skin. It makes her feel sick to the stomach, her chest tightening with a feeling she can’t put a name to.
Yoonchae tries not to think about it too much, but she fails. Megan happens to kiss girls, and now she has to deal with that piece of knowledge torturing her for the rest of her life. Which does not make sense at all. She is not like that; she does not care if someone likes boys or girls.
Although, maybe it’s different this time because she saw it with her own eyes—you know, the kiss. Yoonchae could have lived knowing that Megan likes girls. But seeing her kiss one? That’s a different story.
It still does not make a lot of sense, but the thing is, this is not the first time Yoonchae has felt weird about kisses or anything related to that kind of stuff. Whenever the girls talk about their past relationships or make dirty jokes, she usually remains silent. Most people assume she is just shy, but the reality is that her knowledge of these things is so nil that most of the time she has nothing to contribute to the conversation without making a fool of herself.
During school she was too busy thinking about debuting in a group to date someone. Sure, a lot of guys confessed to her back then, but there was always a fear present within her that made her reject them. What if one day I debut and I get in trouble for having a boyfriend?
Sacrifices are necessary when you want to live as an idol, so she spent the beginning of her adolescence dancing and singing instead of doing the things any teenager would do. Yoonchae never did anything the girls have done. She never had terrible dates like Megan and Lara recount, she never had an idiot ex like Daniela, she never kissed tons of boys like Sophia, and she never fell in love like Manon. But admitting that is embarrassing, so she prefers to avoid talking about it.
It is normal for her to feel weird about things she never experienced. Jealousy is an emotion she knows well when it comes to love experience.
This time it feels different, though, because Yoonchae can’t even put her finger on what exactly she is jealous of.
A simple truth: Yoonchae has grown accustomed to thinking about Megan all the time.
She doesn’t do it on purpose. Really. It just happens. As easy as that. Sometimes she’s eating alone in her room and wonders if Megan has eaten. Other times she is playing games and thinks about inviting Megan to join. Other times it’s simpler than that, and she’s just walking around the house thinking about what Megan is doing. Is she laughing right now? Or is she crying? Is she worried or anxious about things Yoonchae can’t understand?
The worst part about discovering that Megan is into girls is that now that Yoonchae knows it, she can’t stop thinking about it. It is always there, somewhere in the back of her brain. The memory of the kiss is something her mind won’t let go of, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair for her and Megan. After all, Megan is not even aware of what she is doing to her. The problem is Yoonchae and her twisted mind.
Her gaze shifts to Megan at the thought of it. She is still practicing the choreography even though the rest are resting. It’s an alluring distraction that draws Yoonchae’s attention in, unable to take her eyes off her.
Another simple truth: Yoonchae likes to watch Megan. Especially when Megan does not know she is watching her.
Yoonchae grabs a bottle of water and absently empties it in one go, too focused on the way Megan’s jacket moves along with her body and curves over her shoulders, slipping down from rigorous movement.
Megan was born to perform, Yoonchae thinks. She has the ability to capture your attention with a single glance and a flick of her wrist. It’s as impressive as it is infuriating. Yoonchae used to be jealous of her, but now she is just stunned by it. Megan’s dancing isn’t just proper technique and timed steps—she is able to set the tone of her performance with just her expressions and the way she moves her body, so fluid and mesmerizing that she is not just something you watch but something you experience. Yoonchae thinks it is an absolute privilege to be able to see her like this, up close and personal.
Megan is breathtaking.
It takes her a moment to realize her heart is pounding really fast and blood is rushing to her face. Yoonchae brings a hand to her cheeks to cool them down and then presses her palm against her heart, worried. Maybe the fatigue from the last couple hours of practice is getting to her head. She really needs to take a nap after this.
Yoonchae turns around and plops down on the couch with a quiet groan of relief. Daniela and Manon sit beside her, but she’s too tired to listen to whatever they’re talking about. So she just closes her eyes and enjoys the brief moment of peace.
“Hey! You three are hogging the whole couch. Leave space for me.” Megan complains, and Yoonchae isn’t looking, but she is sure she just stomped on the ground.
Goodbye, peace.
Yoonchae opens her eyes and gives Megan a look. “Find another place to rest,” she tells her, using that annoying indifferent tone she knows Megan hates.
It was not her intention to speak, really. The last thing she needs right now is to start a fight with Megan. It is just that there is something about Megan that makes her want to press her buttons only because she can.
Megan squints her eyes at her. Then she throws herself at Yoonchae. Plops herself down in her lap as if, of course, she belonged there, wriggling around like someone restlessly adjusting pillows until they find the most comfortable possible position to sleep.
Yoonchae squeals a little and complains, but nobody seems to care about it. Daniela and Manon don’t even look at her. Traitors, Yoonchae thinks. At least they could scold Megan for her childish behavior.
“This is better than sitting on the couch.” Megan states, a devilish grin growing as she wraps an arm around Yoonchae’s shoulder and turns around to look at her.
God, they are so close.
Yoonchae can’t help but think this is surely something Megan has done before. She’s probably kissed a lot of girls like this, with both hands around their necks, or maybe one cradling their jaws while the other pulls on their hair. Megan is probably a good kisser, and the thought of it infuriates her. Of course she is good at that. Of course Megan is a great singer and an even better dancer and probably an amazing kisser.
Megan leans in closer, giving her an irritated look. “Hello? I am trying to start a fight here. Don’t ignore me,” she barks, snapping her fingers in front of Yoonchae’s face in an attempt to get her attention. “What are you thinking about that’s more important than me?”
Yoonchae’s heart races. Megan’s fingers are tickling through the hair at the nape of her neck. Tiny touches that probably don’t mean anything to the people around them, but make a heat burn through her limbs. Megan is so touchy. Naturally touchy. But it is nothing special because, well, Megan is just like that. She is flirty and shameless around people she is comfortable with, and she likes to hug and kiss anyone.
Kiss. Yeah, that. Megan also wrapped her arm around that girl’s neck like this that night at the party, and the thought of it makes Yoonchae’s stomach drop.
Oh, God. This is too much for her.
“B-bathroom!” Yoonchae blurts out, completely panicked. Her cheeks flaming up.
“What?” Megan asks, frowning in confusion.
“I—I need to go to the bathroom.”
Megan groans, wrapping both arms around Yoonchae’s neck firmly, unmoved. “But I am soooo comfy,” she drawls.
Yoonchae swallows, feeling her face so hot that she’s sure smoke will start pouring from her ears like a cartoon. Something twinges low in her gut, and she does not like that feeling. “Please, Megan. “I—I need to—you know,” she stammers, the words coming out almost like a plea.
“Let the girl go, Megan. I don’t want her to pee herself here.” Manon nudges Megan, giving her a firm look, and God, yes—finally some kind of help. Yoonchae will make sure to make it up to Manon for this later.
Megan groans again, but she reluctantly stands up. There is a pout on her face as she looks at Yoonchae. “You—”
Yoonchae does not let her finish her sentence before running away and shutting herself away in the bathroom, far from everyone, where she can just die of sheer embarrassment for what just happened.
Why does she keep thinking about Megan kissing girls? She really needs to stop doing that. That’s definitely over the line, inappropriate, and wrong. If Megan finds out she is so fixated on her love life, she’d hate her, or at least think she is weird. And she is weird for that. She needs to stop.
Yoonchae splashes some water on her face and storms out of the bathroom. Her walk is a fast, efficient clip, and then she refuses to turn her head to look at the couch where the embarrassment had happened. Because that’s what it was. An embarrassment.
When practice ends, Yoonchae makes the mistake of looking at Megan. Which ends in her looking back over at Yoonchae. Megan raises her eyebrows and gestures vaguely toward the door. Yoonchae knows that’s an offer to walk out with her without any words needing to be exchanged, but she still pretends not to understand it and looks away. It obviously does not work.
Ten seconds later, Megan is standing in front of her, hitting her arm with a smug smile. “Hey, you.”
Yoonchae chews the inside of her cheek, feeling suddenly nervous for reasons she cannot explain. “Hey,” she says as nonchalantly as she can. Her face flushes hot, and she tries to convince herself it is because of the heat.
“Lara told me she is going out with some friends, so I’ll have the room to myself tonight.” Megan comments, her eyebrows flicking up suggestively.
Yoonchae nods slowly. “Oh. That’s... cool.”
Megan stares at her for a few seconds. Then she rolls her eyes. “Since you obviously didn’t get the hint, I’ll have to be direct. Do you want to do something tonight? I don’t know; we can watch a movie or talk. Whatever.”
Yoonchae’s hand moves to the back of her neck, and she flashes a shy, lopsided smile. It is intended to look carefree, but in reality it just appears awkward. “Well,” she starts, hesitating. The idea of watching a movie with Megan sounds tempting, but the mere thought of being alone with her after whatever happened today makes her stomach turn violently. “That sounds good, but, uh, I am tired. I am sorry... I think I need to sleep.”
Megan blinks at her. A trace of sadness and disappointment crosses her face, but she is quick to hide it.
“Oh, it’s okay. Resting is more important anyway,” she reassures her, giving a soft smile, and for a moment, Yoonchae forgets the reason why she was so nervous just now. “Maybe we can watch a movie another day.”
“Maybe.” Yoonchae replies vaguely.
Megan squints, crossing her arms. “What do you mean by that? You are supposed to say, yes, Megan, let’s watch a movie tomorrow.”
Yoonchae huffs out and just turns around to follow the rest of the girls, ignoring Megan’s complaints. She knows Megan is pouting, but she doesn’t look back; she only walks out the door with a pressure beneath her ribcage that’s new and strange.
A couple of days later, Yoonchae has a dream.
It’s a compilation of a bunch of hazy memories, filtered through her subconscious. Her having dinner with her family. Her at her old school in Korea talking to her friends. Her walking down the street she used to take to go home.
The dream changes, then. Now she’s with the girls filming something in Lotte World, and Megan is taking her hand and dragging her away from the rest. The scene is embarrassingly romantic, similar to the kind of dates her friends always bragged about.
What follows happens too fast. One moment they’re standing in line to get on the Comet Express, and the next they’re at the Aquarium, and Megan is leaning really close. Her breath is warm when it ghosts over Yoonchae’s lips, and she doesn’t even have time to react when Megan cups her jaw, tilting her chin up to kiss her tenderly.
It is chaste and sweet and sudden.
Yoonchae pulls apart, startled. Megan is faster than her, however, and she slots their lips back together before she can even say something. This time her hands reach up, tangling into Yoonchae’s hair to deepen the kiss, their bodies pressing together in one firm line. It is more intense and messy than the previous one, but Yoonchae doesn’t try to resist it this time. She just wraps her arms around Megan’s waist and pulls her closer.
It feels good, the way she turns to liquid to melt against Megan, the way Megan kisses her like she’s inviting sin itself. Her mouth moves over Megan’s, desperate and just a hint needy, and—
A truck passing by outside jolts Yoonchae out of her light sleep.
Terrified, she sits up in her bed and touches her lips, breathing heavily. What the hell was that? She thinks, her face hot, mortified at herself as soon as she realizes she just dreamed she kissed Megan.
Compulsively, the memory of their noses brushing as their lips danced over each other rises up in her mind, and Yoonchae shakes her head harshly at herself.
That dream didn’t mean anything. So what if she felt happy and relaxed and content in it? It was just a dream, nothing else. She’s not... like that. She is not. It was horrible and humiliating and uncomfortable to have dreamed something like that, and the pang she feels in her chest at the memory of it is just disgust.
There is no need to think too hard about it, Yoonchae tells herself. She’ll forget about this the next morning.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t forget about it as quickly as she thought she would.
Yoonchae is slowly losing her mind. Three days have passed, and her mind is cluttered with too many thoughts about Megan. Which usually is normal, but this time is much worse because she has never had these kinds of thoughts about Megan. Thoughts about kissing her. Like, yeah, she thinks Megan is pretty and funny and even cute when she tries it, but that does not mean she wants to kiss her. Yoonchae does not want to kiss her. She does not even want to have these kinds of thoughts. It’s just something that happens against her will. It’s all the fault of that stupid dream.
Oh, that dream.
As it resurfaces in her mind, Yoonchae can’t stop the heat rising to her cheeks.
Great.
“Yoonchip!” Sophia calls her, taking her out of the daunting daze she momentarily spiraled into. Her eyes meet Sophia’s when she glances up from where she’s been boring holes into the ground. “Your turn.”
Oh, right. She’s in the middle of an important Uno game with Sophia and Daniela right now.
Yoonchae sighs and takes a look at her deck of cards before dropping a red one into the pile of cards. Megan, Lara, and Manon left a couple hours ago, and luckily, she managed to avoid being dragged in with them. It sounds a bit mean even in her head, but the last thing she wants right now is to see Megan. Not because Yoonchae does not want to be with her, but because it’s hard to look her in the eyes these days.
It’s a little irrational, but sometimes Yoonchae fears that Megan has some kind of secret superpower and can read her mind. It wouldn’t be the first time Megan has done it, anyway. Somehow, she always knows what to do or say to make her feel better. That must be a superpower.
“Uno!” Daniela announces with a smug grin on her lips.
“You are cheating! I saw you hiding two cards under your seat!” Sophia snaps, pointing an accusing finger her way.
Daniela scoffs, and her amusement seems to grow. “You are just a bitter loser.”
A sound erupts from the back of Sophia’s throat, highly offended, and then, just as Yoonchae expected, both girls start arguing. It’s nothing new, so she does not pay attention to them, and instead, she focuses on the cause of all her problems: her odd obsession with the fact that Megan likes girls. Yoonchae needs to do something about this because soon Megan will be back, and she can’t keep thinking weird things around her by then. Her stomach twists at the thought of it.
Ugh, things were easier before she had that dream.
The sigh that leaves Yoonchae is immense and dramatic. Her chest deflates with the force of it, making her sink into the couch even further.
Sophia and Daniela stop bickering to share a look.
“Okay, that’s it. What happened? You’ve been moping all day.” Sophia asks, half concern, the other, curiosity.
“Nothing.” Yoonchae replies, but it probably does not sound very convincing because Sophia just narrows her eyes at her as she crosses her arms over her chest, firm like a mother. It’s useless to argue with Sophia when she is like that, so Yoonchae just gives in and scratches her head, thinking about how she should start. “I just... I had a weird dream last night, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. That’s it.”
Daniela tilts her head slightly and raises her eyebrows in question. “Weird in what sense?”
Heat warms its way up to Yoonchae’s cheeks. “Uh, well. It was just weird,” she simply says and bites on her bottom lip hesitantly, wondering how much she should say. “One of you was in that dream. So now I feel, uh, strange, I guess.”
“One of us?” Sophia asks, sounding more interested. There’s a playful smile on her lips as she adds, “It was about me?”
Yoonchae scrunches up her nose. “No, ew.”
“Me?” Daniela asks excitedly.
“Ugh, no.”
“Manon?” Sophia inquires.
“No! Can you just—stop?” Yoonchae pleads, hiding her face in her hands, embarrassed.
“Lara?” Sophia insists.
“No.”
There is a pause. Yoonchae thinks they will finally leave her in peace.
Then Daniela pauses to think for a moment and asks, “Megan?”
Yoonchae swallows. Then she looks down at the cards she is holding and clears her throat. “So. Who’s next?”
“Did you have a weird dream about Megan?” Daniela almost yells, the surprise written all over her face. Sophia is not so different from her, her jaw almost falling to the floor in shock. Both of them are so dramatic.
“Can you lower your voice?” Yoonchae whispers, eyes darting around the place like Megan might materialize out of thin air.
Which is almost what happens.
Yoonchae snaps her mouth closed when the front door swings open.
“Guess what we brought to eat!” Manon yells.
Daniela seems to quickly forget about the conversation at the mention of food, her eyes shining as she immediately gets up from the couch. Sophia, on the other hand, does not seem to forget about it; she just gives Yoonchae a 'we are going to talk about this later' look that she does not really like before following Dani.
Yoonchae just stays sitting in her place and keeps her gaze on her cards. She has three green cards. It does not look good. She’s probably going to lose.
“Hey.”
Yoonchae flies up at the sudden voice, hands planting into the couch to hold herself. A shiver runs through her body at the feeling of a hot breath tickling her ear. Even though she knows who is behind her, she still decides to look over her shoulder.
Big mistake.
Her adrenaline does spike from the alarm that rockets through her at how close Megan’s face is to her own. Only inches between their faces. Between their mouths.
Yoonchae doesn’t mean to squeal, but her body acts before she can stop it, and the audible sound reaches her ears a second too late.
These kinds of moments aren’t unusual between them. Yoonchae is still getting used to the feeling of being around a bunch of girls that love to invade her personal space constantly, and the other girl knows it. Except this time she doesn’t know the real reason for Yoonchae’s panic. Which makes Yoonchae feel extremely guilty for obvious reasons.
Megan does not seem to realize she is flustered, anyway. She just giggles at her and slots her chin over Yoonchae’s shoulder from behind, scanning her cards.
“Seems like you are about to lose.” Megan comments with a mocking tone.
When she gives Megan an exasperated glance, the other girl just smiles, eyes half-closed.
Yoonchae huffs out, pursing her lips. “I don’t think we’re going to keep playing anyway. Dani and Sophia forgot about me as soon as they saw the food,” she mumbles, reluctantly getting up from the couch.
Megan laughs, but Yoonchae ignores the sound of it as she walks to the countertop where the rest of the girls are already eating without them.
The logo on the packages shows that it is Wingstop. Of course, Yoonchae thinks. Manon has been craving wings for weeks.
Megan follows her and then wraps a secure arm around her shoulders, pulling her to her side. “Aww, did you want to keep playing? Don’t worry. You still have your favorite unnie.”
This too is not unusual.
Megan touches her a lot, and surprisingly, Yoonchae does not dislike it.
It’s always casual—a pat on the shoulder or head to tell Yoonchae that she did a good job, or a hand to the small of her back to guide her in the direction she wants Yoonchae to go during a group schedule. Megan hugs her when she is tired, yelling complaints into her hair, and holds her hand every time Yoonchae is anxious during an interview. She is also careful where she places her hands; she squeezes Yoonchae briefly but doesn’t outstay her welcome into her personal space.
Yoonchae knows that’s what Megan is like, but she still experiences it as a series of electric shocks. She keeps expecting the sensation to dull down to either annoyance or neutrality, but it hasn’t yet.
“Really?” Yoonchae tries to feign indifference, but her lips twitch at the corners. “You are so kind.”
Megan looks at her with an arched brow at her attitude. Then there’s mischief in her eyes as she leans closer to her face. “Yeah, I am really kind. I deserve a kiss for that, don’t you think?”
Yoonchae’s face grows red. Starting from the root of her neck and traveling all the way to her temples. Even the tips of her ears aren’t safe.
No, her eyes do not drop to Megan’s lips to remember the feeling of it. No, she does not think about it or hesitate. They stay planted firmly on Megan’s face, minus the three seconds they actually do drop to Megan’s lips before flying back up to meet her eyes. Yoonchae should’ve pulled away as soon as she noticed it because she doesn’t want to give Megan the wrong impression that she wants it.
She should’ve.
Instead, she just stays there, frozen.
God, why can’t she move? Yoonchae does not need to see the way Megan’s tongue slowly swipes over her bottom lip because it puts a lot of thoughts in her head that she doesn’t want to deal with right now.
Unfortunately, Megan has a very nice mouth, even from an objective standpoint—pink and plump and pouty. It is distracting and—
“What are you two doing there?”
Yoonchae blinks.
Then she turns towards Lara’s voice, only to find the rest looking at them with curiosity and amusement. That alone is enough to break the little bubble they had created. All at once, it’s like an ice bucket has been poured over Yoonchae’s heart. What the hell was she doing looking at Megan’s lips?
Suddenly, she feels like she’s been caught red-handed, doing something dirty and embarrassing.
Yoonchae extracts herself from Megan, pushing her away. “Nothing,” she rushes to explain. A nervous hand runs through her hair as her eyes dance over all the girls. “Megan was just being annoying.”
Megan gasps beside her. “Annoying?”
Yoonchae fakes a laugh and scratches her neck awkwardly, her stomach twisting further into discomfort.
The girls just take it as a joke, laughing as well, and Megan seems to forget about their little moment the second she brings some fries to her mouth. Yoonchae tries to forget about it too, but she can’t. She thinks about Megan’s lips, then she remembers what she said: “I deserve a kiss for that, don’t you think?” And her nails dig in the soft flesh of her palms.
Guilt and shame and horror make her feel hot and tight and small.
Yoonchae tries to act normal for the rest of the day.
She is bad at it, of course. She flushes if Megan holds her eyes for more than a second, red blooming on her skin like she’s been slapped, and blinks quickly and hard to keep herself from looking away. Her voice gives her away too, high-pitched and breaking from time to time. Suddenly, it’s as if she’s forgotten all the English words she’s learned so far. During the night more than once she is unable to formulate one single sentence.
“So... what happened in that weird dream you had?” Sophia asks once they are both alone in the kitchen, washing the dishes.
Yoonchae tenses up, her heart climbing up into her throat at the question. Swallowing, she keeps her gaze fixed on the glass she’s holding. She was expecting Sophia to forget it just like Daniela did. It was stupid of her, honestly. As if Sophia has ever forgotten something in her entire life.
“Uh, well,” Yoonchae starts, feeling like a child, the way she has to consciously take a deep breath and force the words out. It would be easy to escape the situation with a lie or to just invent a dream to satisfy Sophia’s curiosity. Unfortunately, all that comes out of her mouth is, “I... I-I don’t want to talk about it.”
There is a moment, suspended, one beat, two. Yoonchae feels like she might throw up. Her head is spinning.
Then Sophia just replies mercifully, “Okay. We’re not going to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
Her voice softens all of a sudden. Like she knows that’s what Yoonchae needs to hear right now.
Her chest is hurting. Yoonchae realizes, somewhat dimly, that it is because she was holding her breath the whole time. She is almost self-aware enough to be embarrassed by how bummed out she feels about this whole situation with Megan.
Apparently, Sophia is also aware of it, because she doesn’t mention the subject again, and instead, she just asks her if she wants to play Overcooked with her.
Yoonchae does her best not to overthink about it too much, and at first it is easy. In the whirlwind of preparations for their upcoming EP, it’s easy for her to fall into an exhausting routine. The choreography for Gnarly is intense. It takes more strength than Touch, and it is way faster. Sometimes she’s so tired after endless hours of dance practice and stage rehearsals that she doesn’t even have the energy to dream at night.
However, it’s hard not to think about it when Megan is smiling at her or licking her lips or just existing next to her. As beautiful as always, but somehow, different from before. It’s hard because Yoonchae is not dumb; she knows it’s weird to stare at your friend for too long. It’s weird to think about your friend kissing other girls. It’s weird to dream about your friend kissing you.
There’s absolutely no excuse for her to be having the thoughts she’s been having. The persistent, haunting, intrusive thoughts about Megan. Her bandmate. Her friend. It is improper, wrong, and disrespectful—for both the group and Megan.
And the thing is, Yoonchae really, really doesn’t want to dig into what all of this means, and she’s kind of scared of what would happen if any of the girls found it out.
So she does the best thing she can think of and just runs away from it.
Avoiding someone who lives under the same roof as you is not something easy, but Yoonchae manages to do it.
If Megan heads to the living room, Yoonchae gets up and goes to the kitchen. If Megan is eating at the table, she orders delivery to eat in her room. If Megan invites her to watch a movie or play some game together, she just rubs her eyes and says, 'sorry, I’m tired'. She refuses to even sit next to her in the van and evades Megan’s attempts at conversation every time they are together. No one has really said or done anything about it, except for Sophia, who had given her a weird look during today’s group photoshoot and pushed her to stand next to Megan for pictures despite her silent protests.
It feels like torture. It’s been a week, and she misses Megan so much.
Somehow, that only makes things more confusing. But missing a friend is normal, right? Even if she’s the one who decided to distance herself for stupid reasons.
Yoonchae sighs at the thought of it.
From her position on the couch, she can hear Lara and Dani discussing which movie to watch and Sophia cooking in the kitchen with Manon, but her gaze turns to Megan almost instinctively. She’s leaning against the countertop, spacing out, and Yoonchae takes advantage of that to stare. She stares at the curve of Megan’s lips and the blink of her eyes. Stares at her hands as they fidget over her legs. Stares at her legs as they move when she starts walking towards her.
Oh no.
Yoonchae gets up and whips her head away from Megan’s direction, completely ignoring the brief flash of surprise on Megan’s face when she walks out of the room so fast it seems like she’s just a blur of motion, like a cartoon figure.
It is stupid and childish, of course it is. Yoonchae knows this is unlike her, but God, she is still a teenager, and she barely knows how to deal with all the things she is feeling around Megan lately. At times like these, running away is the most reasonable reaction for her.
Her hand is inches from the bathroom doorknob when a warm hand wraps around her wrist, halting her escape.
Yoonchae freezes and swallows hard, keeping her head turned away. She feels a bit like a deer caught in the headlights: incoming threat and nowhere to run.
There is a frustrated sigh behind her. Then Megan just tugs her lightly and shifts her stance so they’re both facing each other. Rude, Yoonchae thinks, but she doesn’t put up a fight. She knows she’s kind of fucked the moment her eyes lock onto Megan’s—there’s a hint of confusion there but also overwhelming determination. Yoonchae wouldn’t be able to get out of this even if she tried, so she decides to stay silent and slumber against the wall, like she’s resigned herself to her fate.
Megan holds her gaze intently, brows furrowed and mouth set in a tight line like she doesn’t know what to make of something. After a moment, she asks, tentatively, almost carefully, “Are you mad at me?”
Yoonchae opens her eyes and panics, immediately shaking her head. “What? No! I am not mad at you.”
“But you are ignoring me.” Megan argues, crossing her arms over her chest.
Yoonchae gathers herself and swallows down the dread inside of her. She is not daft. She knew this was going to happen—the bigger surprise is that it took this long.
Still, she does not want to deal with this. Not yet.
“I am not ignoring you.” Yoonchae lies, even though it’s apparent to anyone who has a pair of eyes that she’s been avoiding Megan for the past few days.
“Yes, you are.” Megan insists, staring at her. There’s a flicker of something—hurt, yes, and frustration too—but underneath it, there’s still that ridiculous maddening patience Megan always has when it comes to her. “Did I do something wrong? Please tell me so I can make it up to you and apologize.”
Her words are so... Megan that Yoonchae feels a pang of guilt in her chest. Of course Megan blamed herself for her recent strange behavior. It probably didn’t even cross her mind that Yoonchae has been avoiding her for reasons that are so far from the realm of anything even remotely close to normal.
Yoonchae runs a hand through her long hair and shakes her head. “You did nothing wrong, Megan.” It is the truth. Megan did nothing wrong. This is all her fault.
“If I did nothing wrong, then what happened?” Megan loses her patient, exhaling big and dramatically. “You have been acting weird and skittish around me ever since—” Her eyes go wide as she seems to realize something. “Ever since that party.”
Well, it finally happened.
Yoonchae drops her head and stares at her feet, swallowing over the feeling of her heart crawling up her throat. “It’s not about that.” What a lie.
“Promise it.” Megan demands, and she is trying to cover it, but Yoonchae can see how anxious she is getting about this. The expression on Megan’s face makes her feel a bit like she’s been punched in the stomach. “Promise me you haven’t been ignoring me just because of that.”
“It’s not about that.” Yoonchae repeats weakly, with a stubbornness to it, mouth pursed.
Of course Megan sees right through her and knows that’s not true. There is no one able to read her like her, except for maybe Sophia. It’s both a blessing and a curse to have someone know you so deeply.
“Liar,” Megan whines, stamping the ground like a child. Her voice is a strange mixture of disbelief and anger when she adds, “If you have a problem with me liking—”
“I don’t care if you like girls.” Yoonchae cuts her off, nausea churning in her stomach.
Megan huffs out a breath, arching her eyebrow in question. “Really?”
Yoonchae makes the mistake of hesitating for a moment. Does she care that Megan likes girls? It seems like she does, considering how much things have changed ever since she saw her kissing a girl. But it’s not like she has a problem with it. It just feels like something changed inside her ever since she found that out.
Did something really change, though?
Megan winces, like she has just been physically lashed. Her face falls into a mix of disappointment and anger. “I can’t believe it,” she mumbles, sounding offended, and then shakes her head like Yoonchae is being entirely unreasonable. Which she is. “What? Are you afraid I’ll fall in love with you just because I like girls? Are you afraid I’ll want to kiss you?”
Her words feel like all the air has been knocked out of her, like she’s been split in half, and Yoonchae refuses to give these questions an answer. Not because what Megan is insinuating is true. But because she knows if she thinks too deep about it, she’ll have to dig up things that she buried a long time ago.
Yoonchae sucks in a breath through clenched teeth. She does not know what to say to make this less painful and awkward, so she decides not to say anything at all. “I just... I don’t want to talk about it, Megan.”
Megan’s lower lip is wobbling, Yoonchae realizes once she looks at her. Her hands are also shaking, her lips are pursing, and the skin between her brows is creasing, pure betrayal in her teary eyes.
“Fine.”
Yoonchae just stands there and looks distinctively crestfallen, her arms limp at her sides. She tries to ignore the way her heart is trembling with guilt, the need to reach out and smooth that furrow out of Megan’s brows.
Instead, she just turns around and enters the bathroom before she can see the heartbroken look on Megan’s face.
Yoonchae admits that when it comes to Megan, she usually screws things up first, so it’s no surprise she turned something small into a big conflict.
A good example: Dream Academy.
The first time they met, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Yoonchae barely knew a few words of English, so she just mumbled a shy, 'nice to meet you,' accompanied by a nod that Megan returned along with a greeting. They didn’t talk much, but something about Megan scared Yoonchae. She didn’t want to examine the way Megan made her feel, so she closed her eyes and ran away from it.
Clearly it did not work well, even back then. Yoonchae realized that for the first time after a really exhausting practice when Megan approached her with a friendly smile and said, “I am sooo tired. That was just too much, don’t you think?”
At the time, Yoonchae didn’t realize that Megan was being nice, trying to start a small talk with her. All she knew was that Megan danced really well and she had a cute smile, and her first stupid thought was that Megan was the kind of girl that looked really good when she was sweating, and then Yoonchae was shaking her head and saying, “No,” before she could think anything else.
Yoonchae was observant enough to notice that Megan looked a little hurt by her answer but not emotionally mature enough to do anything about it. She had this pretty girl trying to be her friend in a scary, new place, and all she did was turn around and walk away, embarrassed of her own behavior.
That was probably the reason Megan started to give her dirty looks at practice and snort every time she spoke. Megan must have thought she was full of herself. Although, of course, Yoonchae didn’t realize that either at that time. She just got offended and returned the same energy to Megan, fueling that senseless enmity.
Looking back then, Yoonchae never stood a chance.
The rest of the week is awkward and tense. They don’t look at each other, mess the other girls up when they’re supposed to be standing next to each other in a group schedule, and Megan is constantly scuttling between Lara and Manon instead of sitting next to her during interviews. This time both of them are being childish and stupid. She knows it, Megan knows it too, and probably the whole world knows it as well.
In hindsight Yoonchae could’ve handled the whole situation so much better. What was she thinking, ignoring Megan? Now she probably hates her and thinks she is a homophobic jerk and a terrible friend, and it is all her fault. Yoonchae feels absolutely miserable, and she does not even know how to fix this. How to fix her mind.
“Hey.”
Yoonchae doesn’t jump, but she definitely flinches slightly, putting a hand on her chest when she turns around and sees both Lara and Sophia standing in front of her.
“Did you get scared?” Lara scoffs, propping herself lazily by one shoulder against the side of the fridge.
Yoonchae huffs out and leans back against the pantry. She tries to act nonchalant, like she wasn’t having a crisis while raiding their kitchen, seeking a midnight snack, a few seconds ago. “No, I just—I thought you were all sleeping.”
“Well, we thought the same thing about you,” Sophia points out, accusatory but with a glimmer of that usual fondness in her voice. “By the way, you’re not going to find anything in that pantry. Manon and Dani ate the last pack of Takis we had a week ago.”
Yoonchae just hums in response, because she is pretty sure there are a few packets of old Takis dust there. She expects the girls to leave quickly, but they linger, trailing her around the kitchen while she is doing a god-awful job looking for food.
After a few minutes, Yoonchae feels her face start to heat under the scrutiny. It prickles: all these eyes on her. Itchy like a mosquito bite.
“So, uh, eh,” Yoonchae gulps, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “What do you want?”
Sophia stares at her, and there’s something totally unreadable in her eyes. It makes her feel uncomfortable, so she looks away, and—Lara is giving her the same look. Great. Yoonchae looks at the ceiling, trying to pretend she is alone and Lara and Sophia are not here to interrogate her. Because she knows that’s the reason they are here. They are so predictable.
“Are you okay?” Sophia finally asks the question.
There it is.
“I am fine.” Yoonchae answers automatically.
“Really?” Sophia raises an eyebrow, and ugh, she is giving her that look.
“I already said I am fine.” Yoonchae snaps tiredly, and it sounds rude and condescending, even to her own ears. It was not her intention, and when she realizes it, she grimaces. “I—I am sorry.”
Lara shakes her head in disbelief. She tries to look disappointed, but the amused smile on her face does not make the act credible. “Wow, she is really turning into a brat.”
“Is that how you talk to your leader?” Sophia scolds her, squinting at her while she puts her hands on her hips.
Yoonchae licks her lips, feeling guilty and stupid once again. “I am really sorry, unnie,” she adds the honorific, hoping to sound nicer. “I am just... grumpy, I guess. I did not have the best week.”
Lara and Sophia look at each other.
Then Lara looks at Yoonchae and huffs out. “We can tell.”
“Yeah, what happened between you and Megan?” Sophia goes straight to the point. Yoonchae opens her mouth, but she can’t seem to get the words out. Feeling her cheeks warming, she pauses, trying to come up with a good lie, but Sophia is ahead of her and cuts her off in that soft voice of hers before she can even speak. “And don’t you dare to lie, Jeong Yoonchae. It’s obvious you two had a fight.”
Yoonchae’s mouth twitches up despite herself. “We did not have a fight.”
“Yoonchae.”
“I am not lying!” Yoonchae insists because she is indeed not lying. Technically this is more complicated than a simple fight.
Sophia sucks on her teeth, narrows her eyes at Yoonchae like she’s trying to solve a riddle. After a moment, she sighs, defeated. “Okay, you don’t have to tell me what happened, but please talk to her.”
Yoonchae’s stomach does a little flip at the idea of facing Megan. Because if that happens, she’ll have to explain to Megan why she ignored her, and if she explains that to Megan, that means she also has to talk about all the things that are going on in her head lately, and... that sounds terrifying—more terrifying than performing on a stage full of people or walking alone through a haunted house. No thanks. Yoonchae thinks she’s fine categorizing this thing with all the other Megan-related feelings she doesn’t want to confront head-on.
“I don’t want to.” Yoonchae finally responds, and it comes out sounding off. Whinier than it was meant to be. Like a petulant child who refuses to apologize for something childish and senseless. She clears her throat. “I can’t.”
Yoonchae doesn’t like the scolding look on Lara’s face.
“Don’t be a fool.” Lara tells her, and Yoonchae knows exactly what it means between the lines—you are better than this; act your age; you know this is the correct thing to do.
And the worst part is that Yoonchae knows it. She is very aware of what she needs to do. But she really does not want to do it.
Yoonchae looks at Sophia, begging her with her eyes for help.
Sophia just takes a step towards her and rests her hand on Yoonchae’s shoulder, firm and solid, almost like she’s trying to hold her there and comfort her all at the same time. “You are almost an adult, Yoonchip. You need to face your problems.”
Yoonchae lets out a long, ugly groan, and yeah, she is acting like a child.
“Go.” Sophia says gently, more like advice than an order.
Yoonchae shifts her gaze to Lara, who is just staring at her, waiting.
“It’s your decision, of course,” Lara starts, eyes a little bit harder than Yoonchae is used to seeing when they’re directed at her. “But I think it’s necessary for you to know that I found Megan crying in her bed last night. I think she has been like this for days.”
It doesn’t sound like an accusation, but it kind of feels like one.
Yoonchae feels like a terrible person, shame sinking into her stomach, cognizant of the fact that her dumb, stupid brain probably ruined Megan’s whole week.
“She refuses to tell me what happened, but it must have been ugly, right? I have no business getting involved in whatever happened between you and her, but I hate seeing you two like this.” Lara continues, and even though her words feel like a blow, it doesn’t sound like she’s scolding her; her voice is soft and calm. “We always are going to have silly arguments; it’s normal. But you know everything can be solved by talking.”
God, it is true.
Weeks of unwanted distance, all because of some stupid dream. Is it really worth it?
Yoonchae takes a breath, rubbing at the back of her neck. It’s silent for a moment. Then she tacks on a soft, “Okay, I am going to talk with her.”
When Yoonchae enters Megan and Lara’s room, she finds Megan lying on her bed. Unsure of what to do, she just freezes right in front of the door, waiting for the other girl to spot her.
There is a distant look on Megan’s face as she stares at nothing in particular. After a couple of seconds that feel eternal, Megan’s eyes finally slide over from the wall to the door. They widen when they land on Yoonchae, still and quiet. Her head shoots up so fast she almost seems to give herself whiplash.
Yoonchae runs a hand through her hair. “Umh, hi,” she finally says, and somehow her voice does not crack, which is her biggest win of the year.
Megan just stares at her, and Yoonchae can’t read what she’s thinking at all. The best way to tell is to look at her eyes—something Yoonchae has always found hard. She tries anyway: Megan’s eyes are somehow gaunt and swollen at the same time. Her dark circles rest hollow under the puff of her eyelids. She looks exhausted, like she’s been crying. Yoonchae feels terrible because she’s the one who made Megan look like that.
The air goes thick, and the silence is too awkward. Yoonchae is good enough at being able to tell but not good enough to know how to fix it.
Usually, she leaves these kinds of things to Megan. She is the one who talks too much and makes everything less awkward. Even in Dream Academy, she was the first to be mature enough to try to make peace, casually hugging when she was sad and making her smile with light jokes.
They never talked about it, anyway. Sure, they joke about their beef now and remember it with humor, but they never talked about it—about what it meant. They never talk, not like this. They fight about dumb things and tease each other too much, but they tend to ignore arguments and uncomfortable moments and sometimes even feelings. At least Yoonchae does that a lot.
“What do you want?” Megan asks after a moment, and it sounds so bitter that Yoonchae does not know how to react.
Yoonchae shoves her hands in her pockets and looks away from Megan’s expression. She can’t bear it; she can’t stand to see the bewildered anger on her face. Suddenly it’s like a switch is flipped, and Yoonchae is fifteen again—frustrated, confused, and embarrassed about the way Megan makes her feel.
Maybe she never stopped being that girl.
Yoonchae meets Megan’s eyes for a second and lets it settle on her shoulders—the weight of her anger. Then she sighs, dejected. “I want to talk to you.”
Megan laughs, but Yoonchae hates the sound of it at this moment. It sounds so disbelieving, it makes her nauseous. “Now you want to talk?”
Yoonchae rubs at the back of her neck and tries to pretend that the stilted air between them doesn’t make her heart feel like it’s sizzling on top of hot coals. “Well, actually, Sophia and Lara forced me to do it.”
It’s supposed to be a joke, but Megan doesn’t seem amused at all. She just rolls her eyes. “That makes me feel even better, thanks.”
“Can you stop being so mean?” Yoonchae exhales, unsure of how to hold herself against the sudden steeliness in Megan’s eyes. “I am sorry, okay? I am here to apologize.”
Megan blinks at her and tilts her head, pretending to be confused. “Why?”
Yoonchae wants to die. Immediately. Her cheeks are so hot. “You know why.”
“I actually don’t know.” Megan barks a scornful laugh. “And honestly, it’s hard for me to believe you are truly sorry when you can’t even tell me that to my face. You’re not going to get sick if you get close to me, you know?”
Yoonchae opens her mouth to defend herself, but then she just clams up. There is no point in starting an argument right now. So she sighs and starts walking across the room.
Once she sits down close to Megan, she tries to figure out how to put all the things she is feeling into words. However, she can’t make them line up right in her head right now, especially not in English.
Despite her anger, Megan is as patient as ever and just waits for her to be able to articulate what she wants to say.
Yoonchae gulps, not sure how much she should reveal and terrified of incriminating herself. Her mind filters through a hundred different words, but none seems to fit what she is supposed to say. So she just settles with saying, “I am sorry for what happened the other day. I acted like an idiot.”
“Yes, you did.” Megan scoffs, nodding in agreement, and for the first time, Yoonchae can see something like a real smile appearing on her lips.
Yoonchae huffs out, involuntarily relaxing at the friendly teasing. This is familiar territory. She can handle these kinds of interactions. “I shouldn’t have ignored you. I guess I didn’t know how to react to...” She trails off at the end, losing her voice. “That.”
Oh, she is acting like an idiot again.
Her argument is falling apart, and Megan seems to know it, but she does not look offended about it, just genuinely confused.
“Don’t tell me you are homophobic now.”
“No! I am not!” Yoonchae hurries to reply, and she thinks about adding, 'how I could be homophobic? Lara is my best friend,' but that would sound too cliche. “I... I don’t know why I reacted that way. I guess I was just surprised, and I did not know how to react,” she admits, a half-truth that Megan doesn’t need to know. “It’s just that this is still new to me. Almost all of you are—” she pauses, mentally scolding herself for struggling to say the word out loud.
Megan watches her so intently that Yoonchae feels like she’s about to fail a test.
“Gay. Queer.” Yoonchae continues, swallowing. “And I am...” I am... I am what?
“Straight.” Megan finishes the sentence for her, nodding like she understands what’s happening inside her head. “Yeah, I know.”
Straight.
The word leaves a bitter taste on her tongue, even though that’s what she is. Because that’s what she is, right?
When she was young, she used to dream about falling in love. In her fantasies she always imagined the same kind of man: tall, handsome, and kind. Those features usually drove girls crazy, so she figured she’d eventually go crazy for it too.
It never happened, and for a long time, she thought it was because she was too busy focusing on debuting to meet the right guy. Then Dream Academy and Katseye happened, and after hearing the way the girls talk about men, she just thought she was a late bloomer.
Yeah, she is very aware girls like girls too, but she has never considered that there might be another option for her. Girls like boys, and that’s all she has known her whole life.
“Don’t worry, I know you are an ally.” Megan’s face softens like it always does around her, and Yoonchae wants to cling to her affection like a life raft. It’s been so long since she saw it. “And, uh, I am sorry for acting like a jerk this week. And a moment ago. I was mad at you.”
Yoonchae shrugs, the corner of her mouth pulling upwards. “I probably deserved it.”
“Of course not. After all, you are still my baby.” Megan pinches her cheek and flashes her a broad smile, the kind that always makes Yoonchae’s heart skip. For a few seconds, Megan seems hesitant to say anything else, then she clears her throat and says, “By the way, I am bi. Uh, it means I like both girls and boys. Just so you know.”
Yoonchae huffs out. “I know what being bi means.”
Megan smiles and wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her small frame closer.
Yoonchae does not complain at all; she just happily fits against her side. Which is strange. Physical contact has never been her thing, but right now she can’t help but realize how much she missed the warmth of Megan’s body.
Megan pulls away from her embrace just enough to look at Yoonchae. Her face smooths into something a little less teasing—but only just the slightest. “So, are you really fine with that?”
Yoonchae hates how cautious Megan sounds, like she thinks everyone in Korea hates gay people and she is somehow fighting through her programming to be supportive.
“Who do you think I am?” Yoonchae’s voice pitches up, offended. “I know I didn’t have the best reaction, but Lara is my best friend. I am not homophobic.”
Surprisingly, Megan doesn’t tease her for how cliche that answer is. Instead, she just gives her a light nudge and murmurs, “I thought I was your best friend. When did she take my place?”
You are more special than a best friend, Yoonchae almost says. It seems like the perfect explanation, yet she stops herself. It sounds oddly intimate. Too deep and honest. More romantic than a conversation between two friends should sound.
So Yoonchae just wets her lips and replies, “The five of you are my best friends.”
Megan chuckles, leaning her head on Yoonchae’s shoulder. “Fair enough, I guess.”
There’s a brief silence.
They meet eyes on and off, and the rest of the time Yoonchae’s gaze wanders over Megan’s face. Her arm is still curled protectively around Yoonchae’s shoulders. Her eyes look more alive and shiny than before. Her smile is bright.
Her lips are still pretty and pink.
Yoonchae’s hands suddenly feel sweaty and awkward. Her tongue feels thick in her mouth. Suddenly all the feelings she has been repressing catch up to her because as she fixates on Megan’s beautiful stare, she’s not quite so sure about a lot of things about herself.
Everything goes back to normal the next day. Megan walks through the house with her arm around Yoonchae’s shoulders, and all the girls sigh in relief and say in unison, 'finally'. Manon and Daniela interrogate them, wanting to know all the details of their fight, but Megan just shrugs and replies, “Yoonchae just didn’t want to play Roblox with me.”
None of the girls believe it, but they don’t insist about it either.
The next week is normal. She does not dream about Megan again. Megan does not joke about kissing her too much. Yoonchae doesn’t know why that bothers her so much.
Most of the nights, it takes her ages to fall asleep, tossing and turning in her sheets. A terrible, yawning trepidation seems to have opened inside of her, one that she cannot bring herself to name.
Yoonchae lies on her back, on her stomach, and curled in a tight ball on her side, and tries to fill the pit in her stomach. Tries to find a way to put this hunger into words, to keep it for herself, and eventually gives up trying. No language, English or Korean, seems to be able to describe the things Megan makes her feel.
Between all the rush and exhaustion of their incoming comeback, Yoonchae and Megan manage to find time to watch a movie in the living room. It is late, too late given the early start they have tomorrow; everyone but them is in bed. The TV volume is kept low.
Yoonchae isn’t really sure what she is watching. She just let Megan choose the movie, distracted by the glimmer of excitement in her eyes. Megan asked her if she wanted to put Korean subtitles on, but Yoonchae declined, arguing that she no longer needs them.
Maybe she was overconfident, but whatever, she understands what’s happening in the movie. Megan is the problem: distracting her by putting her hand on Yoonchae’s thigh and leaning her head on her shoulder.
It is fine, Yoonchae supposes; it’s not like the plot is very complex anyway. It’s about two girls who start a fight club to impress some cheerleaders. A lesbian movie, of course. Yoonchae is, well, okay with that. She even laughs during a lot of scenes.
“Are you enjoying the movie?” Megan asks gently, a little tease with a scratchy voice and a pat to her thigh.
Yoonchae nods and replies honestly, “Yes.”
Megan hums, content, and Yoonchae does not say anything else; she just lets Megan reach over and grab her hand. Her finger is drawing soothing, absentminded circles on the inside of her wrist, and it all feels so… good that Yoonchae has no choice but to release a breath of satisfaction through her nose.
The next hour flies by like that.
By the end of the movie, Isabel and Josie are kissing, and Yoonchae feels a bitter feeling crawling up from her stomach.
Jealousy.
The same feeling she felt when she discovered Megan kissing a girl.
It’s just that it’s not like Korea is the worst country to be gay, but it is still a taboo topic. God, same-sex marriage isn’t even legal yet. Sure, there are pride parades in Seoul every year, so it’s not like homosexuality magically does not exist in Korea. But everything has taught Yoonchae that gay people are not welcome in the public eye; that they exist behind a curtain until June comes.
Ever since she has been living in LA, it has felt like she discovered another world. Here, no one has to hide anything. Here, there is no shame. Here, she can hear Manon talking about how she has kissed a lot of her girl friends before, like she’s hearing the news. Here, Lara can openly talk about her sexuality without being afraid of losing her career. Here, Megan can kiss girls and boys and be whatever she wants.
Yoonchae is so jealous of them.
Her gaze drags back to the movie where the protagonists are still kissing, and she thinks: I want that too.
The realization feels like a fist hitting square into her jaw. She wants to kiss a girl—and not any girl; she wants to kiss Megan. She has wanted it for a long time, maybe. Longer than she was aware. Long before she even knew Megan was into girls.
Her bones ache for how much she wants it. But that’s always been the problem, hasn’t it? Yoonchae wants it so much—too much. So badly it makes her stomach hurt. But she has never allowed herself to get what she wants. It wouldn’t be right, after all. She is not supposed to be into girls. She is not supposed to want to kiss a girl.
There is a dissonance in Yoonchae’s head.
Megan has been making her feel this way for weeks—months, years—so confused and in pieces that she can’t see straight, can’t think straight, can’t get a grasp on herself.
Her heart beats too fast for the rest of the night. When Megan says goodnight and goes to her room, Yoonchae heads to the bathroom and stares at her reflection in the mirror. Nothing has changed, even if she feels different and her stomach is turning.
That night, lying in her bed, she cries a lot.