Work Text:
dear will,
the first time I fell in love with you / it wasn’t anything special
you leaned over to me / bending like a cerulean wave / crashing into a bone-white foam / and whispered
how do you do subtraction / again?
your voice was so gentle / high like the ferris wheel I never wanted to go on / but did because your eyes were the moon tonight
this time / in first grade window light / your eyes were the opposite / golden sun / down halfway as you stuttered on you
h-how do you… you do subtraction ah-again?
the first time I fell in love with you / you were so shy to me / but grinnier than to everybody else / and the teacher said your name / calmly sternly / william
you shrunk back / cheeks didn’t turn red / not the way they do now
smiled at me / apologetic
and oh god / I knew I was screwed / somewhere in the background of the noises in my head
the second time I fell in love with you / it wasn’t the kind of situation where you were in love
because you were dead
yet dancing on a picture / beaming like the cheshire in alice by lewis / (we always called him the cheshire / instead of the cheshire cat)
you were right next to me there / in a striped shirt your mama found at red cross / close to the trophy the way you deserved / and a girl was touching her fingertip to your ten year old body
she said your name / quietly gently / will
I don’t know why / but right then / half-second in time / I looked into your eyes / caramel lollies at carnivals on seventy-one farenheit days
and I thought / about you in that dirty white tank top I only ever / saw you in once / watching as creek water built up behind my dam
your father tugging you outside / saying / maybe you’ll be more of a man / throwing you at the shed / yelling / mow the fuckin’ lawn boy
you didn’t see me as I got back on my bike / posing like vogue models at the top of your driveway
pedaled all the way back home / cried into my mama’s arms / never told her why
didn’t look in your / caramel lollies at carnivals on seventy-one fahrenheit days irises / on monday / stared at that same striped shirt / on an eighty-four farenheit day
didn’t look above your chest / until you hugged me in the sandpit and didn’t let go / made me not say sorry because I kept doing it / for whatever i did
I thought about you / half-second in time / before I asked her how she knew you / pretty pretty you
and oh god / I knew I was screwed / somewhere in the background of the noises in my head
the third time I fell in love with you / you insisted I take the first shower because / you’re more sandy than me / even though / microscopic little beige spheres threaded through your hair like yarn / streaked down your side and soft stomach into the hem of your older brother’s swimsuit like rope
until I pushed you inside the bathroom / didn’t let you come out / until you sheepishly knocked on my bedroom door and blushed / because you didn’t know where to put your not-even-hand-me-down swimsuit
and after you got changed / we read comics / side by side / shoulders so too really very close / then I realized oh how I wanted them too
I said your name / softly tenderly / will
you looked right back at me / didn’t smile outside but / inside / I could tell you were / said my name right back to me / perfectly beautifully / yeah mike
I stared right into / sunburst eyes / honey on toast during eight am mornings with / water right before the sea foam on the shore / right around the rim
and I stuttered / nothing sorry
n-n-nothing… sorry
shook my head / and looked right back at silver claws slashing the air / sticking right out of white knuckles / (why are so little like me in comics mama? / I don’t know lucas)
you turned right back / to superman / and I stole one more look at you / yanked it right out from under your chin / and thought / he’s more than superman isn’t he
(im so hopeless for you)
and oh god / I knew I was screwed / somewhere in the background of the noises in my head
the fourth time I fell in love with you / it was two am / I was staring at the ceiling
and I thought of your face / the last time I saw you / tears pouring out your eyes / like the storm twice the size of earth rumbling away on jupiter / like the craters in the red planet so close to us
and I thought of the things I thought that moment / I love you / kiss me oh god kiss me / marry me I love you oh lord please / love me love me love me too
and I whispered the things I whispered that moment / call me and I’ll call too / I promise
will
I imagined your face / how it must look now / and I imagined your lips
in a dimly lit theater / colored pretty blue in the glow of the screen / wished for us to be alone
so I could take my mouth / and touch it to yours / and watch you smile
and kiss me again / and again / and again
I imagined you touching me / stroking your fingers along mine / laughing into my shoulder because oh god, we’re so stupid / pressing your palm to my chest because my heart is so loud and fast
what do you look like now? / i want to know / because when I get my license / I’ll take you for a drive
at every red light / you’ll kiss all my knuckles in a line / and then the back of my hand and
quietly shyly / can I be your prince
and for some reason I wondered / what size suit you would wear to our wedding
and oh god / I knew I was screwed / somewhere in the background of the noises in my head
the fifth time I fell in love with you / it shocked me like the first strike of lighting / during a thunderstorm
because all the poetry I wrote for you / was made while I drifted along after the fourth time / aware of how much I want you / yet
pushing it down because / really / this isn’t forever right?
but the fifth time I fell in love with you / we were in a dirty garage covered with vines littered with holes / and we screamed at each other
fought like two wolves / battling for the last scrap of meat
because I didn’t know how to love you right / and you loved me just correctly / so you tried to teach me how / spelled it out A-B-C
but I didn’t want to love you just the way I do / so I threw out all the reasons why I’m not supposed to / and sank to the ground
and then you stared
stared
right into my eyes / and said my name / morosely brokenly / michael
and I looked up / you said my eyes looked like the red lake / we learned about in science / and I said your name / quietly tiredly / william
you sat down next to me / slid your back against the wall / and told me how you loved me the way you do / and weeped into your arms that I wanted to hold me
and I didn’t respond / for all too long
and then I pressed my face against your shoulder / and said / i love you.
you shot up / so fast / like superman / and wiped away the dead sea running out your eyes / whispered shaking / what
wha-at?
i love you.
oh god i- fuck.
you looked at me / finally / and / you never used to lie to me
we stared at each other for too long / and i sobbed a little more / and then begged you to love love love me / how I love love love you
and then you / gently moved your pretty pretty pupils down / and gently moved your pretty pretty fingers to my chin
and broke down
(for the love of god kiss me please)
I tried to speak / didn’t really work
decided love is impatient
and lord we kissed / heaven above you tasted like tears / and the sun on the day that we first met
(is this why lightning kills?)
and oh god / I knew I was screwed / somewhere in the background of the noises in my head
the sixth time I fell in love with you / the moon was rising / your lips were brushed against my neck as you slept
and I was memorizing you
they say that authors forget everything / because they’re busy remembering the little things
and I think that’s perfectly true / (just the way I think of you)
because while I was tracing my fingers / over your back / tracing my eyes / over your face
I didn’t even think / of the deadline for my book / of how I’d told my mom I’d call tomorrow / of how I can’t even marry you
but instead I just remembered / how your lips tasted like cinnamon last tuesday / how I used to call your eyes caramel lollies at carnivals on seventy-one fahrenheit days / how your shirt caught the way it did now when I massaged your shoulders after you came home from a run / how your coffee has too much sugar / how you love to love me / how you looked the day after we met for the first time / the paint stains on the floor we don’t have the energy to wipe off
and then I moved / slowly / to kiss your forehead / and whisper your name / gently lovingly
will
once my sister called your name / unimpressive / flat and boring / and I fought her until / she said it wasn’t
she said I was being dramatic
and yeah / I really was / but didn’t every author / every playwright / every filmmaker / make love exactly what it is?
(dramatic)
I don’t know
but I just really really wanted to love you
and I thought of that / as I memorized you
as I loved you correctly
and oh god / I knew I was screwed / somewhere in the background of the noises in my head
the seventh time I fell in love with you / you were walking down the aisle / thirty-nine years old and god / you were beautiful
you had that nervous smile / that pretty little nervous smile / and your stepfather / was crying / actually crying for me and you
there were little gray streaks in the roots of your hair / like the last dollops of paint drying on one of your pieces like the otherworld / you didn’t know why they came so quick / maybe your grandfather’s genes
I was standing at the end / staring at your nervous face and shaking hands and the green tie tied too tight
I saw your mama crying harder than anybody else / in a dress you insisted to buy her last fall / mouth covered by a hand with chipped rose polish
lucas didn’t even push me over / they way he always said he would when I got married / just to embarrass me
because he was too busy staring too
you lit up the whole room / with your eyes like your mama’s / and your smile like your brothers / and your new brown shoes
can you / look at somebody / forever / after time stops / just for a little while / when they walk in?
I don’t know if time stops for / infinity
but you walked up / and smiled a little bit wider / took my hands and kissed them
and if you’re not supposed to do that, well / traditions be damned / because some people cried more and some people laughed and some people made happy noises / like you when the colors mix just right
(when we mix just right)
I’m not quite sure what happened next / because you were in front of me and chewing on your lip / and you looked like heaven / god I thought I was never supposed to be lucky
and then I heard your name / clearly firmly / william jacob byers / and something after that
and then you said something / softly lovingly perfectly prettily beautifully caringly gently / i do
and then there was my name / michael theodore wheeler / and something after that
and then I knew when / because caramel lollies at carnivals in seventy-one fahrenheit days / sparkled like the sea
and I said / just for me and just for you
i do
and you waited / but looked like you wanted / the rules to be damned / until / you may now kiss the groom
and I kissed you first / so different from the garage covered with vines
and I think I fell in love with you then
but not like the dopamine boosts when I fell in love with you / six times before
I think I’m still falling in love with you / every time you kiss my shoulder first thing in the morning / every time you buy me flowers for no reason at all / every time you whisper something dirty in my ear during somebody’s speech / every time I remember the drive-ins where we would just make out in the backseat / every time you tie my tie before work / every time you gel your hair in the bathroom mirror / every time you wear something just a little bit too eighties
and I don’t know / at least I know I’m falling in love with you while writing this in the dark at five a.m. because you’re away / but I don’t know how much I’m going to fall in love with you / when I read these words out loud when you’re back from denmark
but just one last thing before I’m done / just p.s.
thanks for the too-long kiss you’re going to give me after i shut up / and happy fiftieth anniversary
because oh god / i know im screwed / over all the noises of you in the background of my head